well hello All You Beautiful
[Music]
People you know what time it
is ladies and gents Guys and Dolls and
everyone in
between gather around get you something
real nice to sip on and comfy to slip
on cuz it's time for smut Club here's
your hosts Chelsea and
[Applause]
[Music]
Hannah hey everybody and welcome to smut
club I'm Hannah and I'm
Chelsea and this is the podcast where we
are two therapists who review books
what last episode we're literally like
we've really nailed our elevator pitch
on this show and I feel like the look in
your eyes is like is this right
yeah um yeah so this is smut Club yeah
we are two licensed mental health
therapists Y and we like to Day drink
and review trashy romance novels
sometimes I was going to say sometimes
classy really rarely classy usually
trashy yeah usually trashy yeah and
Welcome to our very special
Thanksgiving episode woo woo I think
this is uh not that really anything as
special about it outside of the way the
calendar fell where it's just like
actually being released on Thanksgiving
Day right unless I looked at the
calendar wrong and it's not being
released which is possible but enjoy
your either soon to be or I hope you
enjoyed your
reing Thanksgiving holiday or if it is
Thanksgiving enjoy your Thanksgiving lot
to be grateful for folks so much
including today's book well do we have
that to be great for what's it called
Hannah it's called Full
sack which
okay I'm going to deeply regret this
question and it might be addressed
within the book at some point so when we
were talking about books for
Thanksgiving and we landed on full sack
uhhuh I was like yeah that seems like a
Thanksgiving like name and now I'm like
is it it feels more like a Santa like a
the the gift sack you know right right
right um
no no what to all of
it
because I had the same thought after I
outlined it
but it's definitely a Thanksgiving book
um and that it takes place on
Thanksgiving so
so why is it called Full Sac oh
honey okay I'm just going to save my
questions until we get further into full
sack by Leila Fay that's not real it's
not but I like it Leila Fay it rolls off
the tongue very nicely it feels like a
um a very Southern first
yes it's like le la F something LE Smith
name right but it's not and say is
spelled f
AE oh yeah that makes it feel even less
real correct and Leila is spelled like
Eric Clapton would spell it the
traditional way
yeah
mhhh
yeah we work in mental health and have
worked with lots of clients with varying
names over the years but it is always
funny when you're like trying to get
someone's name and I remember I like
said to a woman one time I was like yeah
their name is Jordan spelled
traditionally and there was like a long
pause how else would you spell she was
like could you spell that for me and in
my head I'm like what is the non like
maybe a y maybe I knew a guy whose dad
was Donald and so his name was Jordon
like with an O instead but like that
poor guy yeah and it was pronounced
Jordon if you said Jordan his mom would
get annoyed uh it was one of those
situations but I'm like if you say
Jordan the traditional
way that's not one that I thought you'd
be like oh there's a lot of options like
the river Jordan like I don't know
you're like like Michael yes you're like
we there are only so many options
for the normal
spelling because it's just the normal
spelling right yeah the traditionally
accepted spelling yeah like I I feel
like if you say I uh my name is Ashley
spelled traditionally right with an ey
and not an EIG H or whatever yes yeah so
I really thought it was the same but
nope I still wonder when I'm like Jordan
spelled traditionally long pause can you
spell that for me I'm like what what is
what was the option we were going to go
with as our personal traditional way
like we all have our own family
tradition so if yours involves spelling
a name differently no judgment no
judgment okay so leil la Fay yeah the
very real human has written in a
Thanksgiving smut book called Full sack
and this is actually I discovered the
sixth in the series they're all
Standalone but they're all holiday books
are they all the same like are they all
Thanksgiving or we choose a different I
think it's different holidays I didn't
read any of the other ones
[Music]
um one was enough for me personally um
and isn't it great when you can read one
book by an author go I know everything I
need to know yeah how efficient of me
well recently this is so ridiculous I
started a series that was like 28 books
long
okay and I was like this will be good
was a motorcycle club it wasn't I was
like this will be a good like I can put
it down and pick it up whatever kind of
palette cleanser I
figured I'm ashamed to admit I've read
15 of them and was like I hate
these and I was like yeah no I I hate
them a lot which book did you start to
feel the hate I think like pretty early
but I kept hoping that like because each
one followed a different couple and like
there were a few of them that I did en
right and so I was like okay so maybe
the next one will be like this earlier
one or whatever and then I was just like
at one point I was like oh my God this
is awful I'm so
done I was reading a
series years ago it had like eight total
and I think I made it to like halfway
through the fourth or something and I
was literally just like I I can't do
this anymore yeah like we we've really
tried mhm and you know know for all of
those people much like my best friend's
husband who told me you just need to get
through the first however many seasons
of Lost before it gets good and like
things like that actually I feel like
that wasn't the situation with lost I
feel like lost started strong and then
really fell off yeah um but then I feel
like they're like it got bad but if you
stuck out for a couple Seasons then it
got better and I'm like I am my heart
I'm going to say I'm not the person to
stick something out for several seasons
on the off chance it'll get better but I
do read several series on the it'll get
better it will get better right yeah but
yeah at some point I'm like it hasn't
yet and I'm unwilling to commit to the
rest of the journey for it to get there
right and but you know cherry-picking
this book because it happened to be a
Thanksgiving book and
reading it was enough for me to say you
know the rest of the series probably
isn't for me I don't need to go back and
read the others so yeah getting into it
tell us more we open with
Jennifer um who is our main chick and
she is in the super gross dark alley and
she's really nervous she's in like her
skimpiest dress and her highest heels
and she is going up to a door that has a
raccoon painted on
it and she is just continuously thinking
how desperate she is to save her cat who
is named Mr
pointy
and he's three and he's very sick and
all the vets that he she has taken him
to they've all told her
like he he's not going to make it like
if we were in nature this wouldn't even
be a conversation yeah it was like oh
he's got like maybe a cool six months
like enjoy that time like there's
nothing we can do and
she there is this being who is called
raccoon um that
supposedly um can do
anything um and like provide anything
can like make dreams come true so
there's essentially a magic Genie named
raccoon correct and um it it keeps
alluding to like she knows the price she
understands the price and she's willing
to pay it but we don't know what the
price is yet we just know that she is
desperate and she is willing because she
wants to save her cat um and
so um she do you have a cuz you and I
both big pet people and all of all of
your pets have extra medical needs they
do most of them yeah yeah I guess not
are do any not is
Georgie uh so Georgie has some messed up
ears okay um because he was out for so
long but that's probably going to get
better and he'll be fine okay but then
we have our fat cats that most people
forget that we have Annie and Lizzy who
are fine they're just fat I absolutely
forgot about Annie and Lizzy I know
everybody does because we don't talk
about them because they're just living
their best life yeah and all of your
your other pets do require a little bit
more they do energy and attention mhm
so is there a numeric threshold where
it's if if what they need is over blank
amount like that's the monetary limit
you know I don't know I I think it's
more like if they're going to be in pain
that's so I can keep them around yeah
I'm not I don't I'm not going to do that
um cuz like that happened with my pit
bull who was 14 and they were like we
probably could maybe do something she
might live an extra year whatever and I
was like no I'm not going to put my
14-year-old dog through that yeah like
no no and it wasn't about the money it
was about like her
1,000% I remember like we had some
family friends and their cat got ran
over oh and the vet was like we can
perform this surgery it's not like that
it'll work it'll be five grand if they
live or die and they were like no
problem and like the cat died like 5
minutes into the surgery oh and I was
like I if those are the odds I'm
probably not spending five grand right
unless I suddenly enter a different tax
bracket that I don't foresee happening
in my like near future right right but
yeah I just find that to be a very
fascinating conversation with like how
different people approach it because I'm
like I think I used to have like a far
lower number and then I like married my
husband and he's like my credit card has
a very high limit 100% yeah and I'm like
you know touche but to your point it's
really come coming down to like the
quality of life absolutely yeah yes and
Jennifer wants her cat to have a great
quality of life yep and knows the price
she's willing to pay yep which I already
have a feeling might be different than
the price I'm willing to pay yep but
we'll find
out so she enters the door that has the
raccoon on it and she sees this super
hot guy with like these weird yellow
eyes in the room um and her cat who is
generally pretty standoffish like
immediately loves him like she lets him
out of the carer I guess it makes sense
that she had the cat with her but also
you she's wearing her like fancy dress
and her highest heels in this alley with
her cat yeah okay I left that out she
has the cat um cuz initially when she
says like I need your help with my my
cat he's like the guy's like no I don't
do resurrections and she's like no he's
alive and he's like oh people never
bring me live animals this is great and
so she like lets the cat out and
immediately he's like Twining around
raccoon who is the name of the guy mhm
Twining around his legs and like all up
on him is our main love interest named
raccoon 100% yeah God damn sure is okay
and so um he agrees to help her um but
then he like approaches her and she's
like trying to build up the nerve for
the price which it turns out is a
[ __ ] and it's like well known he'll
give you whatever you want for a [ __ ]
and and so he's like when's the last
time you sucked off a stranger like come
in here in your your [ __ ] outfit
whatever um so we're just going into the
weird aggressive dirty talk off the rip
yeah okay yeah
also my vet has several doctors at the
practice are you ranking who you would
blow in your mind right now no I was
honestly thinking I haven't met them all
so I can't make a fully informed like
into decision here but I will
say depending on like what my cat's
Health needs are a [ __ ]
actually I've heard worse prices tongue
to tip for
500 so call back to previous episodes
for those of you who've stuck around and
the incredible show I'm sorry featuring
Andre Savage and Tom ever
Scott a bit of trivia for you yes um so
he is
like she's starting to freak out like
he's cornered her against a wall and
she's like I know I have to do this I'm
willing to do this but she is clearly
very uncomfortable do we know how old
she is in her early 20s I think she's
like
22 listen we just reviewed an entire
book where that the girl was like 18 and
every decision she made made was that of
an 18-year-old girl so I just wanted to
know if This Woman's brain was fully
developed not quite but more so but
closer yeah okay so he tells her like
listen this is not the place for a
blushing virgin I don't know what you
think you're doing here um and while the
usual price is a [ __ ] it's different
for pets and she's like what like well I
take back my statement about my vet's
office
pets are different and he's like so what
you're going to do is take me to your
family Thanksgiving because all of this
is taking place on Thanksgiving day
because he only makes deals on
holidays I don't know and there are a
lot of arbitrary rules it feels like in
this are all of the original books in
this series all about raccoon I don't
think so holiday escapades it seemed
like they were about different creatures
I don't
know fair enough you know what I don't
have questions it's fine we can practice
acceptance that we're never going to
know because we're never going to read
the other books well maybe I will I
shouldn't say never um
so um she wasn't planning to go to her
family Thanksgiving she does not get
along with them they're all [ __ ] nuts
and she has no desire to spend the day
with them um and uh uh she's like fine
like if that's what I have to do for my
cat then that's what I'll do but like I
need to go home and change like can't
show up to family Thanksgiving looking
like this yeah um and
he is like
no you wore this to see me why can't we
wear it to see your family you innocent
little [ __ ] and there's lots of like
things like that in here where he calls
her Like a Virgin [ __ ] and it's like
what are you saying like the Madonna
[ __ ] complex is supposed to be two
separate
people like not the same one you know
you've
misunderstood right but that's like
throughout the whole thing he's doing
that um but she's super into it like she
clearly has like a little bit of a
degradation Kink that she wasn't even
aware of until he started speaking to
her that way um does she put the words
degre
to it at any point or is that you no
that's me okay making assumptions I
would have just loved if she was like
wow I wasn't aware that I was fully into
degradation until this moment I've
learned something about myself so there
is this video of this huge like bouncer
guy picking up a smaller guy in a bar
who is being like super inappropriate
and just carrying him out and one of the
the comments on the video was that man
could disrespect me and somebody said
tell me you have a degradation Kink
without telling me you have a
degradation Kink and I think about that
regularly that man could disrespect
me I mean I do feel like if that's what
you're just like openly commenting on
things you're like you you know yourself
I hope you do if not you going to learn
sharing it on the open
interwebs cuz someone going to go don't
tap me with a good time and then you're
going to go whoa that is not what I
thought was going to happen and you're
like you literally put disrespect me or
that man can disrespect me right
like okay so he's like no why can't you
show up to your family's Thanksgiving
looking like my little virgin [ __ ]
right okay and then demands that she get
on his motorcycle and for some reason
this is the point where she's like oh no
I can't get on your motorcycle I'll find
another way to save my cat and he's
like get on the [ __ ]
motorcycle really that's the Jailbreaker
here he's like okay so he like straps
the cat down and is like I promise the
cat's going to be fine he's like curled
up snoozing in his little carrier he's
like he's going to be fine I promise I
wouldn't do anything to like put Mr
pointy in danger okay
um
so she tells him that he has to swear on
his balls that the cat's going to be
okay and he's like you better feel to
make sure they're there otherwise is it
even really a swear and so she straight
up grabs his balls
and
like my notes say
something moves in his pants which
freaks her out unclear if this is a
usual growing situation or tentacles
that's what my not
say he's a raccoon why does he have
tentacles I don't know wait Hannah are
tentacles going to show up at some point
no this was 100% she like grabs his
crotch and she's like something moved in
there and I'm like like a regular
something like it's like it's getting
hard or like is something
happening yeah you're like like you just
like didn't pay attention in middle
school health class right or like
something like there's a curse happening
in there there's some other kind of
anatomical situation that we should be
aware of um that's I don't know that's
the first place my notes went to which
means my brain went there but
anyway I like that you said notes
initially I don't know Chelsea it's just
the first place my notes went the notes
you
wrote you're like damn it and here
okay this is a direct
quote watching him on the motorcycle
makes her V vagina
salivate
no no thank you yeah
how no yeah
yeah this was the point where I almost
texted you to be like
oh like oh my
God yeah okay so that's happening and um
she is continuously reminding herself
that um he's a
Manor like he she's like I don't care if
he makes my vagina salivate he makes
everybody's vagina salivate
right he gets [ __ ] from like anybody
no he only gets [ __ ] on federal
holidays there aren't a ton banking
holidays like I don't think he's out
there making deals on National dut day
you know what I
mean I didn't get that far in the series
to know um so um and she's also like I
would have had to get my throat checked
for an STI if I'd had to give him a
[ __ ] and like you like weird things
like that um I'm like okay so we're now
worried about Conor of the throat all
right um it's
like it seems like she's annoyed that
she has to go to her family Thanksgiving
instead of giving him a [ __ ] so now
she's calling out things like and he's
such a
Manor we wouldn't even be in this
situation if I could have just blown him
in private but now we have to go to my
family holiday yeah and you're like and
she's like why am I so turned on by this
m like okay um
so initially on the motorcycle she's
like freaking out about the whole thing
but then she like really enjoys the
vibration um and also while you
haven't explicitly said this some part
of this that I'm just telling you that
I'm filling in is
I know Jennifer was like the number one
name of like the late 7s early 80s and
so when we were saying she's in her
early 20s I'm fully
imagining that this is like
2004 I know so many
Jennifers like a ridiculous amount of
Jennifers a ridiculous amount I mean my
sister-in-law is a Jennifer I know so
many Jennifers see yeah I know a lot of
Jennifers and so I was like
like trying to not Envision them as
you're reading it cuz there are
sometimes where you like read a book and
you're like they have the same name as
this one person I know and this main
character is a badass way to represent
and then there are some books that
you're like why would you do this to all
the Jennifers of the world right like a
Jennifer
Jennifer I was rooting for you we were
all rooting for you you get it um yeah
so so she's super into the ride the ride
right yes and they get to her parents
house he pulls up in parks and he says
um that she needs to kiss him because he
is going to pretend to be her boyfriend
and that's like the excuse for why he's
there we still don't understand like why
are we having Thanksgiving dinner
instead of a [ __ ] like I don't like
why are we doing
that but that's what he wants and so
Jennifer doesn't get it either and so
she's just going with it I'm going to
pretend to be your boyfriend to explain
why we're at this family holiday that
your family's not even expecting you to
be at
right right so she's like I'm not
kissing you and he like pulls her into
him and pulls her dress down because her
ass is fully hanging out cuz she was
wearing this like super tight clubbing
dress on the back of a motorcycle and so
it rode up and um so
she she says I can't believe my cat
trusts you and he says what can I say
I'm a [ __ ]
charmer of course he
does
so obviously the story is going to
continue to develop yeah it sure is I
just can't imagine this relationship
lasting well so the thing is that she
finds all of this endearing like he's
funny and like cute for her this
situation oh that's how she's
experiencing it we are experiencing it
differently very differently very
differently yeah um but you know good
for you Jennifer someone for everyone
100% yeah and part of it not for me me
either um but she realizes like hold on
a second I'm never going to see this man
again like once we have this
Thanksgiving together I never have to
see him or be embarrassed by my family's
Behavior or anything ever again so I'm
just going to roll with it and have fun
like because she talks about in her
previous relationships her family has
always scared off like previous
boyfriends because they're so [ __ ]
out of pocket um
so well he all raccoon uh raccoon also
seems to be a bit out of pocket uh yeah
mhm a little bit Yeah so so she's
like calling her family's Bluff and
bringing someone who's even more out of
pocket yes how can we one up the out of
pocket this how can we find larger
Pockets I was honestly just thinking
more of how like girls are always
excited to have pockets I
know yeah pockets are pretty awesome
yeah and if I could have jeno jeans siiz
pocket that is not a jeno jeans siiz
pants in reality yeah
H saw someone was complaining about a
brand recently and they're like if
you're wearing these pants I'm
automatically not into you and I like
hadn't heard of the brand and when I
looked them up I was like oh that's the
new jeno got it ah got it cool cool cool
cool cool this feels great and jenos
came back of course they did I'm like
just make sure you hem them before it
gets rainy
that was always a thing though like to
have them frayed in the back and like
whatever yeah it was always a balance of
like having them look cool and frayed
but also not long enough that if you
were you were wet to your knees yeah you
were wet to your knees or like you like
would just trip on them like you like
couldn't walk in them right yeah I
remember a lot of extra fabric I
remember my mom always like cuffing like
the neighbor Hood kids pants when they'd
be over and I'm like you're probably
ruining like in retrospect I'm like
you're probably ruining the aesthetic
that they think they're going for but
you're just out there going you
literally keep tripping just let me help
you you don't look cool you keep
tripping that's such a mom thing to do
though and unfortunately it's absolutely
something that I know I will do like I
am I am that person we all know it like
I don't want to be but it's always like
oh like I see that you have the let let
me help you let me make this easier for
you but I will ask for consent before I
start cuffing people's
jeans and then if they don't accept my
help I'm going to laugh in their [ __ ]
face when they fall down when they fall
in their Jingo
je hopefully they will go out of style
by the time Ford has friends
over like I mean we've got he's one and
a half right now we have time at the
time of recording his one and a half by
the time this episode drops would be
probably just shy of his
twoyear yeah if he's I don't know if
they make baby jenos I hope
not that sounds
dangerous yeah he already struggles to
walk as it is
exactly he sometimes like you know how
like toddlers would do like the Tippy
Toe walk he walks like a normal ass kid
with both feet on the ground and then
sometimes he forgets and then he just
like starts Tippy Toe walking but then
like realizes he's like unstable and
then he just looks more drunk and he
just like Falls across the room going
between normal walking and Tippy Toe
walking he's like a yeah and I'm
like he I I swear he is absolutely
sober looking at him I was like but I
get why people say that toddlers are
just tiny drunk humans cuz they are some
messy [ __ ] yeah oh most of what they
do is pretty out of pocket oh but it's
so cute yeah but only because they're
tiny humans when grown humans do that
it's not cute that is also true as
someone who's probably done a Tippy Toe
walk when I've been drunk not
cute I've been
cuter yeah not my best moments and yeah
if I'm ranking them okay so he pulls her
dress down y to make sure her butt is
covered but and she's like I'm just
going to accept and embrace this I don't
have to see my family after this I don't
have to see him after this it's just
going to be me and my cat living in
peace yep my healthy cat my healthy cat
as long as we get through this dinner
yep so her mom answers the door and is
really weird like Stepford wifey um and
she tells her mom that raccoon's name is
Howard because she realizes she can't be
like this is raccoon because that's
[ __ ] weird so she's like this is my
boyfriend
Howard and he is deeply offended by the
name Howard
um he's like do I look like a [ __ ]
Howard seriously what his legal name
raccoon uh no we find out eventually
that it's
Thornton but that is mentioned one time
she never calls him that his first name
is Thornton yes I went to elementary
school in middle school with a guy whose
last name was thoron H it was like Jack
thoron or something it was like a strong
that's a good name it was yeah but I I
feel like thoron is more of a last name
to me yeah uh again it's like such a
throwaway thing like she asks at one
point like wait a minute is your real
name raccoon and he's like it's Thornton
like okay and that's it my bad raccoon
um but anyway um she tells raccoon that
her mom just ignores anything she
doesn't agree with so like don't be
offended if she doesn't even acknowledge
you like that's the level of like she
ignores anything that doesn't fit for
her that's an interesting sort of
familial chaos yeah it gets worse um so
they put the cat in the guest
room and um she is like awkward around
him like he's he's wanting to touch her
and like get closer to her and she's
like pulling away from him like what is
happening like she's like you aren't
actually my boyfriend right and she's
like I was willing to give you a [ __ ]
when it was for my cat but like you like
literally anybody can suck your dick
like I I'm not into this right now like
um and he's like oh well if that's the
problem that's no issue like you are I I
want you to be my monogamous girlfriend
for real um and we'll definitely [ __ ] by
the end of the day like no stress on
that um wait what what no pause stop
yeah we took a hard pivot hard pivot I
wasn't ready hard pivot I still don't
think I'm
ready
so we've just fully left the a [ __ ]
for your cat's life yeah to I don't want
a [ __ ] I want to be your fake
boyfriend at your family Thanksgiving uh
to I want to be your real boyfriend yep
and will [ __ ] by the end of the day
where your whole family can hear you
scream that was the end of the sentence
Oh No thank you yeah yeah and I well you
know that unfortunately not quite the
same
our favorite
segue are you going to tell the story
about I'm going to tell the Toy Story
yeah you
are yes
so earlier this
year uh my husband and I and our son we
decided we were going to go up and visit
my parents who live on a lake um and so
we were going to go spend the weekend on
the lake with them for fourth not for
4th of July it was for Father's Day my
sister and brother-in-law are also there
for Father's Day weekend just felt
important to know all of us are in this
house the whole whole family is whole
family is together for this and as I'm
packing for this I see my vibrator as an
option of something I can pack and I go
we're we're a young cool couple still we
might have a son but we still get it in
yeah I'm going to be a little edgy I'm
going to be a little daring I'm going to
pack my vibrator for the weekend family
trip for Father's Day on the lake all
well and good we go through the whole
trip we all have a great time hanging
out um at one point I had like when I
was unpacking my suitcase I showed V I
was like look what I brought hahaa and
like put it under the pillow didn't
think anything of it moved on with my
life moved on with my life to the point
that we're an hour and a half into the
drive home from my parents house and I
look at van and I go did you happen to
grab the vibrator and he goes from where
and I was like oh [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] me
this is not
great oh no and I like I text Hannah
yeah you did and I'm like
Hannah we are like over an hour away
from my parents house I just realize
that we like left the vibrator under the
pillow
there and
now I don't know what to do and I like
text my cousins as well we were like
brainstorming like Okay so do you let
them know it's there do we leave it as a
surprise and I was like I don't really
feel any need to draw attention to this
they will find it at some point when the
sheets are changed um I'm just going to
move on with my life and move on with my
day I order a replacement and move
on so um several hours later we have
made it successfully back home it's like
a 4 and a half so it's like the evening
at this point and they apparently
changed the sheets MH
because my dad texts a photo he takes a
and like text a photo of my
vibrator captioned missing something
with like a crying laughing emoji but
the problem was my dad didn't check the
text thread so he thought he was sending
it to me my husband him and my mom just
like the four of us but instead he sent
it to me my husband him my mom and my
mother-in
law I forgot about
that I wish I could forget about it
because my mother-in-law just like puts
a question mark on the photo she's like
why is my son's father-in-law texting me
a picture of a fire it's like a closeup
photo as well
like and my dad just goes oops haha
wrong thr and she just thumbs uped it
and moved on with her day and we haven't
spoken about it so I'm like I don't does
she think we were all on the wrong
thread does she know it was ours we have
not discussed it at all but I don't need
to no but if ever you're having a bad
day I just want you to stop and think
well has my dad texted my motherin-law a
photo of my vibrator
today cuz if not I think that's a
helpful refer and then your mom shipped
it back to you with a greeting card God
the greeting card was the best
part my mom did mail it back with a like
also just like she had like [ __ ]
bubble wrap laying around their house
like she like put it in protective
layering um and
then the sent it with a card that had
balloons on the front and said let's
party and when you opened it it said
woohoo
so glad you can be reconnected with your
special friend love you Mom and
Dad
yeah also when we were texting on the
correct thread that did not have my
mother-in-law on it my mom went yeah
when I found it I just thought oh are
they leaving me a tip no Mom Jesus WEP
no Mom that is not at no point was I
leaving you gift
vibrator unpackaged under the pillow of
your guest
bed yeah
so that absolutely happened yeah it
did feels like a fever dream at this
point but like I when so my phone was
having a hard time loading the text and
so I didn't actually see the text from
my Dad I just saw
it said like a a text from Terry my
mother-in-law and so I like open it and
I just see a question mark but I don't
know and I was like what would this
question mark and I was like what would
my dad be I was like surely how no this
doesn't the math ain't mathing there's
no way that these would be connected I
was like Vance I need your phone I need
your phone right now I need your phone
in this minute and his text had come
through properly we have different
providers and so uh I I don't think I
caught my breath for a solid 20 like I
was in tear is laughing on the floor
like I could not get it together I could
not like my abs hurt for the rest of the
day after that I was like
I okay yeah yeah
so um well that's not exactly what
raccoon is trying to accomplish here
like the I'll have you screaming so loud
your family can hear it maybe you'll get
a greeting card after
Jennifer except your mom congratulations
your mom doesn't acknowledge things that
make her feel uncomfy yeah although I
don't think my mom felt uncomfy I
thought I think my mom thought this is a
great opportunity to roast my daughter
and she took it and she nailed it if I'm
being honest
yeah great work kudos to you
kada very impressive okay so he's now
like you're gonna be my girlfriend also
just so we know mhm how long is this
book 10 50 something pages okay that
tracks yeah it didn't feel like there
was really enough time for this to be
fully developed be fully baked we moving
a swiftness yeah so they are like he has
her against a wall um and her
16-year-old sister walks in dressed like
a novice which is a nun in training
she's wearing like a long brown skirt
and like the the partial wimple or
whatever I don't know what it's called
um oh I I was about to say is it called
a wimple I've never heard that well like
in a habit the head covering is a wimple
I don't know if novices wear
wimples I have never heard the word
wimple before so I just learned that
today and this is a great word to use
we're saying the word wimple so many
times it's a fun word to say it is also
my mother's maiden name is Whipple huh
like the don't squeeze the charman
okay
yeah and this is why she sends me
greeting cards when I accidentally leave
my no further explanation I think I
think we've all learned a lot about me
today yeah we have more than we may have
anticipated it's good okay so her sister
shows up dressed like a nun in training
and not I'm assuming not just dressed
like one it's not like Halloween like
she is a none in training if she was
just dressed like one and wasn't one I
would have more questions that would be
weirder yeah so she's 16 and she calls
them how old do you have to be you know
I don't actually know um um but she
calls them [ __ ] Sinners and like
storms out of the room I don't think
that's a word nuns use and readily
raccoon's like so uh you never told me
your sister was so devout like what is
happening right now you never told me
did you know I had a sister raccoon in
the hours we've known each other if that
at this point [ __ ] what's my middle
name what's my last name for that matter
um so Jennifer explains that like her
sister has converted to several
religions through the years like every
time she sees her she's a new religion
um and so like once she asked Jennifer's
boyfriend for his blood and SN for a
spell and the guy like ran from the
house and like never returned um so
that's like Jennifer's experience with
her boyfriends like they just get
freaked out by her family doing weird
[ __ ] um like there's one about like her
sister was on some kind of vegan thing
and like was telling everybody about how
meat is murder anytime they would eat
she would like berate people for eating
animal products and all like her
sister's just like a very unique
individual someone who feels their
feelings and feels them fully yes and
expresses them LLY expresses them even
more than she feels them yes yes um so
they actually have she and raccoon
actually have like a pretty good laugh
about the whole thing um and she thinks
that you know this is really nice um but
also he's an insane person because he's
like hey you're my girlfriend now like
if that's what's holding you back
monogamous no problem and she's like
what are you saying to me so question
does he only Grant One Wish per holiday
or does he any however many however many
he can get in like a lot but there was
something about her
yep okay yep yep keep going so he like
do you want to be that special or do you
not want to be that special for him uh
uh personally no thank you like I don't
think I want to be that special to
anyone that's a
lot but like outside of my husband no
thank you oh yeah
mhm okay yeah sorry keep going I just no
it's okay I have some some thoughts on
it some feelings on well and you're
going to have more um because he he
kisses her super passionately tells her
to like grind down on his thigh and
stuff and they are like super into it um
and she realizes like she can't do this
with him like she actually is a virgin
he doesn't realize that he was kind of
like mocking her with like being a
virgin but she really is and she's not
super experienced and she does not want
to be like Swept Away by this dude that
she doesn't know that she doesn't really
trust which also for giving her some
credit I imagine that like if you are
not very sexually experienced and you're
about to give someone a blowj job who
that is their primary source of payment
I understand why she was feeling super
stressed and anxious okay that is that
is some helpful context right yeah um
and so she like bites him to get him
like off of her because she like kind of
realizes like oh my God like we're
making out super hard and like I'm
really turned on and like this is
freaking me out and so she like bites
his lip to get him to back off and he
responds that like I knew it was you I'm
a lucky man will make beautiful babies
wait and she's like
what what the [ __ ] are you saying to me
and he just like leaves the room and
she's like okay so she goes to the
bathroom to like clean up her makeup and
stuff and um she then starts to realize
like oh my God he's downstairs with my
family by himself like oh [ __ ] and so
she like Sprints down the stairs and um
her aunt is just openly propositioning
him like I know that my niece probably
can't take care of you the way that I
can like like openly
like you could get it like in the living
room um and where to shoot your shot I
mean good for you I guess she's like in
her 60s and like just doing what she
wants do she also have a cat that needs
saving apparently
hey so
um and and like Jennifer is in his lap
while this is happening like oh he like
pulled her into his lap when she came
down the stairs and the aunt is
continuing to be like oh that is extra
that's not how I thought that I thought
like she like walked in the room and it
was like happening like ended was like
how I was filling in that narrative not
a hey I'm clearly here with your niece
and she's like but why be here with her
when you could be here with me instead
exactly and you don't even need to be
here with me I've just got some holes
you might like
right what a line I know it's so much
I've got some holes for you so he shuts
her down and is like you know I used to
[ __ ] anything and I absolutely would
have banged you um but I only have eyes
for Jennifer now so have a great day and
like leaves it that and it's
like okay
what huh so then so cuz she bit his lip
then he's like I always knew it was you
yeah and then he left and then and told
her they would make beautiful babies
together and the babies right and then
she's like I don't know what the [ __ ] is
happening then goes downstairs and her
aunt is propositioning him he pulls her
onto his lap and is like I Only Have
Eyes For This specimen in front of me
right if only we had met hours ago I
would have [ __ ] you but now that I've
met your niece the answer is no like
that's literally only we met on
Thanksgiving Eve this could have been a
whole different
situation yes you get it so um
Jennifer's brother is in the room and he
freaks out because raccoon is like I
only have eyes for your niece and she's
the only one I'll be [ __ ] so thank
you so much and her brother is like I
will [ __ ] fight you and raccoon's
like okay kiddo like you're adorable and
immediately just pins him and is like
you are ruining your mother's perfectly
lovely Thanksgiving I'm not going to be
hearing any more from you today all I
will be hearing from you is how can I
help when you ask your mother how you
can support her you are a little [ __ ]
and just like shuts him all down is he
actually a little [ __ ] or is it yeah no
like it does feel like a reasonable
thing to be like hey I'm going to be
protective of my sister but that's not
the energy it's he's like he clearly has
anger issues and there's like little
stuff sprinkled in about his anger
issues this is an ongoing thing like he
regularly flies off the handle for
little to no reason um okay so it's not
like nice chalous big brother moment
it's not protective it's just okay I was
misinterpreting that it's like an
intermittent explosive disorder kind of
moment more than anything um some
impulse control issues happening there
yeah okay so then raccoon tells
Jennifer to go upstairs because he wants
to base her turkey again direct
quote so I mean one would have to hope
if you were just casually put listen I
know sometimes you get a couple drinks
in when you're doing your outline
you Choose Your Own Adventure how you
describe things and I could totally see
being like it's a Thanksgiving book and
T basted her turkey
heo I do feel better that those are not
the words you landed on
yourself yeah my outlines are sometimes
a journey in and of themselves um but
this isn't that so I mean it is but in a
different way so um I know his name is
Patrick but at some point I just started
writing out Big Daddy p and
every like that's that takes longer it
does it's
like it's like what was that one where
like his name was Fallon and I called
him Jimmy the whole time oh or like
cinnabun whoever was yes it was the same
book it was how to get drunk and save a
demon or whatever or that time I got
drunk and got drunk and saved a
man I had a whole experience on that
book go back and listen to that one if
you have not it it's a journey That's a
classic it is a classic yeah so she
thinks that he's asking her to go
upstairs like Jennifer thinks that
raccoon is asking her to go upstairs
because he's going to be like hey so
your family is [ __ ] banana pants and
I'm out like did he already say the word
space her her
he did yeah but she based on her
experience cuz that's always happened
with all of her previous boyfriends as
soon as they meet her family they're
like out um and so um they get up to the
room and he kind of looks at her for a
second and he's like
hey would you do you need to cry like
that's okay cuz she's clearly really
upset and so he just holds her for a
little bit um like a good five-hour
boyfriend does yeah so thoughtful so she
so mindful so
demor all of these like what the [ __ ]
does demure mean Tik toks are incredible
by the way yeah it it was super funny
because Vance was even he like I keep
seeing the word demure everywhere and I
was like let me show you the Tik Tok
he's like oh this makes so much more
sense now very deure very mindful
very remember that how we showed up to
the interview is how we show up to the
job so my friend is a high school
teacher and she made a bulletin board
about how do we act in the hallways very
demure very mindful
like she made up I love how quickly like
this Tik Tok took off and like cuz I saw
someone posted uh like it looked like it
was more like Elementary age but like
they had made
classroom signs that were like talking
about like sharpening your pencil before
your before
like subject very
mindful it's the
best so okay so he's being very sweet
and is actually he's like he's like do
you need to cry because like this is a
[ __ ] lot he's like you can cry like
that'd be okay like like I get why you
weren't going to invite me your
long-term boyfriend to family
Thanksgiving like I totally understand
so um she I don't remember how exactly
it comes about but she confirms that she
is in fact a virgin and he's like hold
up hold up hold up for real he's like
you grab my dick and balls for
real he's like wow in retrospect there
were some very charged moments for
someone who's never had those
experiences before yeah he's like oh
okay damn so he then tells her that he
is like they are genetically compatible
and he is not
human and I mean he does have yellow
eyes so I feel like we can't we can't be
that shocked here no I mean I feel like
definitely
the the groundwork has been
laid keep going
Hannah anyway for Hannah was just having
some really great hand motions to really
uh show the groundwork being
late my I needed my hands to help me
find my words you get it I do
unfortunately that is a very real thing
um and he's like
listen you are compatible I've been
looking for you like and I want to like
is this like a faded mates thing
it seems that way but like not because
it he doesn't say like you're my f
you're the only one right but it's like
I've been looking for a compatible human
and it's you like I I finally found you
um and so he tells her like I want to
tell you everything but I can't focus
because I'm so turned on I'm having a
really hard time explaining myself which
feels like such a straight guideline
like listen baby I know that we need to
have this super deep emotional
conversation but like I'm just so
attracted to you in this
moment I got to bang one out first
until I come we will not be able to use
full sentences
so what you going to do about it so she
offers to blow him she's like okay he's
like I want to have this serious
conversation but my dick is just too
hard for it and she's like no problem
let me help allow me to meet that need
that I thought I was going to have to
meet anyway we literally could have
started and ended at the [ __ ] and
this book wouldn't have even happened we
could have um so he says like yes and
this is perfect because I'll show you
how I essentially give people anything
they want but the price is a [ __ ]
I'll show
you so what do you want like what what
do you need right now and she says a
toaster I need a toaster and he's like
perfect get on your
knees okay go on so exact words are get
on your knees and daddy will get you a
new
toaster so she okay is this Drew Cary on
the prices
right thank you for saying
Drew Cary instead of Bob
Barker because that feels Blasphemous
somehow I couldn't do Bob like that we
couldn't do Bob like
that oh my
God
so okay I I won't have questions yeah
hold your questions cuz it's going to
get worse so she blows him he tastes
like apple cider and he tells her that
he can change his taste depending on
like what people are into um and so I
like that you said apple cider and I
heard you say apple cider vinegar no and
I was like not the flavor I'm hoping for
in that moment but also great for my
long-term Health needs excellent for my
microbiome but like not good for my
taste
buds I don't know why I did that voice
sorry for my
microbio you're like I can change the
Taste of my semen so I made it healthy
for you you son of a
[ __ ] it's like on Parks and wreck when
Leslie is like they offered to put kale
in my milkshake you guys my
milkshake also thinking about parks and
wreck when they like upped all of the
sizes so like the small was like child
SI child size was like over 500 o or
something
ridiculous like that's the child size
the sugar problems with
sedums yes okay so he has changed is it
his seen is the is he changing the SE
flavor it's the the precom flavor like
his flavor okay so it's not like he's
changing the flavor of the whole ollipop
no yes yeah just the Tootsie Roll
filling yeah I hated that but I didn't
really feel like I had better lollipop
analogies well again hold it cuz it's
going to get worse so as she is blowing
him like he's starting to get to the
point where he's about to come and he
tells her to grab his balls and feel and
she's like oh it's growing and is
toaster about to pop out of his dick and
a toaster shoots out of his dick yeah
100%
you no no Hannah yeah you take that back
I can't because that's what Leila Fay
wrote I understand why it works
different for pets
yeah so like he like pulls back from her
and shoots a toaster onto the
bed yeah it's teal apparently she's very
into
it yeah
so she's super confused by the whole
situation yep yep she is but he won't
answer any of her questions and he's
like
no can't answer anything until you sit
on my face and she's like what what's
going to come out of
her just regular [ __ ] oh thank God no
toasters were involved in the making of
This orgasm I'm like you just heard a
little chirp and a little so chick pops
out like I'm Terri ified of what happens
in this book
now not
relevant however there was there's this
single that came out recently called my
body is a dive bar and this the the
refrain from that song that plays on my
in my head on repeat like all the time
is um if you ask for one I'll always
bring two because my face is a bar stool
waiting for
you and that's
like such the energy here where he's
like babe I get that we have a lot to
talk about but like
listen not quite the
same but also reminds me and I think
we've talked about this before of that
rap song my cousin wrote and
recorded that was like I only deal with
nines and T unless she's a seven and
bringing her
friends which is honestly still such a
good lie it really is
actually
yeah yeah okay so he's like sit on my
face yep and so she does she's nervous
but she goes for it obviously um is that
her first
time yes okay yeah her first time giving
a [ __ ] her first time receiving yeah
so it's not just that she's like of a
virgin as far as like actual penetration
it's like the overall her sexual
experiences as a whole right have been
relatively limited up until now brand
new yeah um and so um she has like an
incredible orgasm and she was not quiet
um he did want her to scream for her
family to hear and she does and um he's
talking about how much he'd like to [ __ ]
her and there's lots of dirty talk
involved but then somebody screams
downstairs oh and she's like oh [ __ ] and
he he tells her before she like runs out
of the room I'm keeping your panties
don't flash anybody cuz she's wearing
this like super short dress he's like
I'm not giving these back good luck and
like so they get downstairs and her cat
has eaten the turkey and so her mom had
like screamed and is now like curled up
in a ball on the floor crying and
panicking because there's no turkey and
so
I how what like I understand understand
that a cat is a carnivore and is going
to be eating some meat and how much of
the turkey cuz I can't imagine that a
cat took down a whole family bird so she
says like we can just cut around the
part that he ate like it'll be okay like
you know and her mom is like it's ruined
like we can't okay yeah so the turkey
does still exist we're just
catastrophizing right and Jennifer
offers solution her mom is not receptive
to that solution
I offered solutions to my client in
session yesterday and she didn't want
any solution in 40 minutes in
I was maybe like what do you
want so I had somebody who was very
upset with me a couple of weeks ago and
she was ripping into me like as a person
like going in and I was like okay okay
so um I just want to be very clear about
what your what your goals are for this
conversation do you want me to respond
or are you just wanting to to vent your
feelings because either one is okay I
just want to make sure I'm meeting your
needs here and she was like no this
should be a conversation and I was like
Okie
[Laughter]
doie okay well you clarified here we are
yeah so buckle in buddy because you just
called me a lot of names
so anyway um so being a clinician is
really like the best thing ever such a
unique experience but there are those
moments where you're like this is really
showing me my Humanity in a way I did
not anticipate today yeah and you're
like I might need to sit on this one a
little bit much like Jennifer and
raccoon here right but likey actually
maybe not like them we get fired if it's
like that
yeah not in a professional setting yeah
at any point just with our husband my
joke went off the rails anyway hard left
anyway so raccoon with our
husband so raccoon is like we'll get
another turkey no problem and and he's
like just get on your knees for me yeah
drags Jennifer back upstairs and she
blows him I was joking Hannah while
touching herself I apologize that I keep
ruining the plot twist in this book
because I keep just making what I think
are outlandish jokes and you go
correct yeah so I deeply apologize cuz
I'm not trying to steal your thunder in
this every time I've guessed I've been
like surely this is so ridiculous this
isn't what's going to happen oh it it's
what happens all right so yeah she blows
him while she's touching herself they
both come a turkey shoots at his dick
like before they go go upstairs he's
like do you have a roasting pan like to
her mom and he's like I don't want it to
fall on the floor or anything and
so is it a raw turkey no no it's fully
cooked um is it fully
seasoned yeah mhm but they are um he's
like we we're going to have to heat it
up cuz it's like body temperature so
he's like we can pop it in the oven for
like a cool 20 or 30 Skin's already nice
and crispy no need to panic
that is mentioned that the skin is
crispy that is
mentioned okay keep going so I love that
you're doing a self hug right now but
like around my neck like it's like
extra I'm like I'm like trying to fully
ground myself I see that it's not going
to help so Jennifer is like super
fascinated by this she's like oh my God
look at that and raccoon starts to freak
out that he has scared her away he's
like oh my God like this was too much
I'm so sorry like this was too much the
tur the the toaster was fine the
turkey's the problem he's like please
don't like leave me like uh please
whatever please don't leave this entire
relationship we've built over the last 6
hours hours so she is actually like
super grateful to him but she feels
really weird about feeding her family
turkey that came out of his penis um yes
Jennifer Yes penis turkey because when
they say where did you just get this
turkey from what's your
answer we'll get there so [ __ ]
hell raccoon is like why do you care
like they clearly don't care about you
you just gave me a [ __ ] to save your
mom's Thanksgiving like who cares where
the turkey came from she's like well you
know that is great perspective and he's
like you know and we can heat it up like
well we're going to put it back in the
oven so it's not like it's it's going to
be sterilized or whatever like it's fine
um I remember when I was in high school
I worked at a country club and me and
several of the servers I was the only
server there who was a minor right um
and so it was also one of those things
where I was like the normal hospitality
industry Dynamics were very much in full
swing and I was just sitting there and
too
Youngy yeah but one night I ended up
going out to Applebee's for drinks after
our shift ended and you could tell one
of the girls I was I forget what
happened but like she annoyed the
server and when the drinks got delivered
she goes she probably spit in this the
other girl goes alcohol kills the germs
just chug it you're
fine that was and I'm like yeah yeah I
mean to be fair if she's spitting in
Tequila you're probably you're you're
going to be be fine on that yeah you're
probably going to be okay like shitty of
her but also who cares really yes and
that's what
I kills the germs who gives a [ __ ] like
we're going to we're going to heat it up
it's fine but she like can't do it she's
like okay no you're right but then they
sit down to dinner and her brother this
whole time by the way is like serving
food and like respectful and not a dick
and so she's like before the family can
eat it she's like the tur the turkey
came out of raccoon's dick
like and uh no one acknowledges it and
they all just eat it and it's
delicious so okay just thinking about if
I'm at my family Thanksgiving and
everyone is serving their plates up and
they're sitting at the table and we're
about to have the full meal
and I
shout this turkey came out of Vance's
dick I would expect some sort of
reaction right like you need some Hound
all what the [ __ ] yeah like I don't
think my family is just going to
go give me my fork and knife right like
we're not going to just
casually eat the dick turkey no we're
going to have some questions about the
dick turkey their family culture is
clearly like steeped in denial so
like yeah they just eat the
turkey but it's not even steeped in
denial because she literally told them
right but they're denying the
information are they denying it or are
they just accepting it and going Believe
It or Not Jennifer not a deal breaker
for us you know that's not
disclosed I'm making an assumption yeah
cuz she I mean she did tell them she did
tell them and that's her whole thing
she's like well I warned them she's like
she like clearly I'll eat the dick
turkey I put my mouth on the Dick
delicious and I got a new toaster out of
it
juicy seasoned well
succulent was there stuffing in it you
know I don't know okay honestly I feel
better that that's not
described I get that sorry keep going so
then he is touching her under the table
until she really can't take it anymore
and she's like okay so we're going home
bye everybody like love you bye and um
she is worried about riding on his
motorcycle without underwear on cuz
she's had no panties on this whole time
and he reveals that he has a tail that
he can um like magic away but he lets it
out to warm her vagina on the motorcycle
so they do that and he's like teasing
her the whole way way with
it um she doesn't she's lost her key
somehow for her apartment so she blows
him to make a key like this like it's
we're just [ __ ] for days like we're
three [ __ ] deep yeah so another one
in this afternoon right and this one's
in an alley because they can't get into
the apartment building so like she blows
him to make an apartment key I'm also
just going to like thr throw out
something
crazy if you don't like it you can send
it right
back
locksmith could have been could have
been what if he was a locksmith and that
was
his yep no no problem I can get that
door
unlocked just let me unzip my
pants my dick is the key oh my God I'm
sorry I could only unlock doors on
federal
holidays yeah so logically they're
locked out of her apartment and she
blows them for a new key that perfectly
fits her door obviously yeah so then
they get into her apartment and she's
really like kind of nervous about oh God
like we're are we going to [ __ ] now like
I don't know and he tells her that he
just wants to hold her and like explain
what's going on like he realizes this
whole day has been a whirlwind for her
and he wants to like explain what's
going on so he tells her that his
great-grandfather was a Tanuki which is
a Japanese raccoon dog right um you get
it and so they are
literally the logo for fight
entertainment is a Tanuki my husband's
Media company that oh yeah Tanuki Mario
it was a yeah uh not going to lie I was
walking through Target and this girl was
like look daddy raccoon Mario like she
was like it's some sort of animal he's
like yeah it's a raccoon Mario and he's
like having this sweet moment with his
daughter and I was like I'm not going to
ruin it but as as I was walking past I
was like it's a
Tanuki but he's having a sweet moment
with the daughter so I'm not going to
take it from him but like right you are
misinformed right it is a
Tanuki a Japanese raccoon dog it's a
Japanese raccoon dog and according to
this
book they are magical and um I wouldn't
be surprised by that would have to tag
my my husband in for more I think that
there is lore cuz I looked it up to like
look up the pictures and stuff there is
some lore that they are magical um but I
I don't know that it's like the way it's
described in this book I don't know that
culturally we're honoring the Tanuki um
so I feel like we're not honoring a lot
of things in this book yeah so um
there's a whole thing about like his dad
didn't think he was a Tanuki like he
didn't think it passed to him are
shifters they are technically um but
they don't shift very often um okay so
Tanuki shifters who don't actually shift
very often but have Tanuki like powers
powers so um his dad didn't think it
passed to him until he was having sex
with raccoon's mom and when he came he
didn't realize like he made a wedding
ring and she had to go have it like
surgically removed because it like
embedded inside of her and it was like a
whole thing and that's how he realized
like he did inherit these Powers um and
so a a full-blooded Tanuki I guess is
able
to come however and make whatever but
because he is only a part to Nuki
someone else has to make him come right
so raccoon Shar for explaining Hannah I
apologize for
laughing I get it so raccoon shares that
like he had a girlfriend before and she
got tired of constantly having to help
him because he explains that like his
balls are a magnet for magic and they
have to be like it has to be expelled or
he becomes like he's in pain because of
it okay again very classic straight guy
response I feel like um why are you
doing this to me why are you leaving my
balls in this
state you know blue balls can can be
fatal like okay buddy the Magic's just
too powerful unless I let it
out
exactly so then Jennifer is like well
I'll be with you like I'll help you like
thank you for explaining everything like
it has been like 8 hours at this point
no we're fully committ my my mic in a
fit of rage damn it Vance sorry so fully
committed and he's like let's go pop
your cherry literally direct quote so
he's like it was just such a burden in
my last relationship that I had to expel
the magic and my balls so often and
she's like oh my gosh she was so over it
what a poor unfortunate experience that
you've had let me help you yeah he's
like I'd be watching watching TV with my
girlfriend and she'd like half-heartedly
give me a hand job because she just
couldn't be bothered I'm like okay buddy
so anyway yeah and you know what me
[ __ ] too right because he says it's
like 10 to 12 times a day at his like
peak of his magic and he's not there
anymore so it's not going to be that
much but like that's what it was when he
was with this girl and I'm like baby
girl did you have to wear a brace like
the carpal tunnel alone holy [ __ ]
develop CJ I lost my enthusiasm around
[ __ ] number six [ __ ] like I I
can't keep this level of excitement up
for 12 10 to 12 blow jobs a day you are
getting a lackluster handy at some point
it could be sex but also that is too
much well never want a chance a toaster
shooting inside of me well we'll get
there so
no so sexy times in
Su okay cuz he's going to help her pop
her cherry okay right lots of
degradation talk she's super into it um
and he is very sweet to her he's like
you're so perfect I'm like afraid you're
going to disappear cuz you're so amazing
he kisses her belly and he's like this
is where our babies are going to grow um
and he says that he will make his
pre-com sterile and he won't come inside
her um because he knows she's not ready
for all that so he's like I get it it's
been a cool eight hours we can hold off
on making a
baby um a gentle it's
implied so she plays with his tail which
she realizes is an erogenous Zone which
is a whole thing has some nerve endings
yeah okay and then when he finally comes
he pulls out and shoots off confetti and
he's like congratulations on your
deflowering yeah I don't know if it's
worth that the party confetti is coming
out of his dick or if someone hit a
party
popper neither is good so just imagine
Hannah just imagine losing your
virginity and the guy reaches over and
Pops a party
popper and says congrats on your
deflowering really de flowering is the
worst of that whole scenario for me yeah
I think it depends on if he's still
inside party popper
uh-huh
yeah that would be a problem for me I'm
sorry keep going so um that's it the
epilog wait what the
epilog that's it the book ends with him
shooting confetti out of his dick and
saying congrats on your
deflowering yeah and
then Jennifer is on her period she's on
her couch she's miserable raccoon is
moving in with her um and he's like oh
I'll run to the store for whatever you
need like give me a list whatever um and
she you can't give me that many [ __ ]
back to
back she's like well what I want is hot
buttered rum with whipped cream and
takes his dick out and blows him for it
and he like comes into a cup okay this
is the third time that I made this joke
and you've been
right um and then she uses his tail as a
heating pad and then just crwl up on the
couch together and that is the end of
the
book huh
mhm
mhm huh
mhm wow
yeah thanks Leila
Fay mhm
huh I've this whole time I've been like
what's the rating scale here is hot
buttered rum is it confetti is it
toaster ovens is it cats you know we
have the same toaster oven and it's a
pretty
awesome to want to go toaster ovens we
can okay we can go cute cute toaster
ovens go cute toaster oven um I'm going
to go out of eight cuz I assume that's
how many hours they knew each other
um based on context clues um oh I forgot
to say so he tells her that the cat was
healed from the beginning because that's
one of his powers I forgot to mention
the cat the cat's
fine so there's
that wait no yeah you
stop this man
healed the cat before they even went to
her family's
house I don't love that no it feels very
manipulative and ick yeah just tell her
man yeah just tell her hey I already
healed your cat non issue didn't even
have to to come for it m
and my payment
will be you coming me coming to your
family
Thanksgiving yeah what an interesting
take on Thanksgiving yeah yeah MH MH so
eight toaster ovens eight toaster ovens
um
three yeah I mean four would be 50% yeah
three feels
goodish you know
because it was a unique story I've never
read anything like it I can say that
with confidence and like there's other
stuff in there like he tells her he
can't like make her a car because his
sack can only stretch so far so like but
he can make her as much cash cash as she
wants so
like there's other weird stuff in there
like it's an interesting story
um the character development I felt like
wasn't there at all I I I don't think
Leila was going for character
development in this one no but I wasn't
invested in them or like their story I
it felt like it was more for like and
then a toaster shot out of his dick and
like you know which is cool if that's
what you're going for that's fine you
get a toaster and you get a toaster and
you get a turkey like okay
I still have more questions around this
only happening on banking holidays well
I think that's just when he chose to
make himself available like he he will
reverse most people work the other days
and then don't work on banking holidays
and he's like I exclusively work on
banking holidays and I expect my
girlfriend to satisfy the 10 to 12 times
a day I need outside of well it's not 10
to 12 times anymore it's like once or
twice a day
which still I'm like oh my God yeah well
there were three on
Thanksgiving but one of those to be fair
was to save the family holiday
sure yeah three out of eight toasters
yeah the third toaster with the button
pushed
down so uh let us know what you're
grateful
for
um sorry
oh I don't know
dude this whole thing I was like what
the [ __ ] I was not ready uh there's
there's no buildup like it opens with
her going to see him to give him a
[ __ ] to save her cat and then it ends
with him taking her virginity it's like
that's it and it's like Okie
doie here we are I
guess but you know isn't that the
tension that a lot of people feel on
Thanksgiving is
it my eye I know you're twitching so
hard you just started twitching so hard
oh my God okay okay so three out of
eight eight yep I was about to say three
out of five is like that's too many
three out of eight toaster ovens yeah
maybe one of those Toaster buttons is
pushed down who can say yeah it got us
talking I'll tell you that it is
definitely a conversation starting book
and we can thank it for for what it's
bringing to the table in that regard um
yeah let us know if you've read this one
what your thoughts are if you've read
any of Lea's other works yeah let me
know if I should check out the rest of
the series because I'm into a weird book
I won't lie um this one caught me off
guard I think that's the like at no
point so the last book we reviewed the
last book that we reviewed was like the
the twin
brothers super spies and the super spies
and every single plot twist quote
unquote was something you absolutely saw
coming like from the moment you started
the book so you're just like oh yep oh
wow that happened I didn't know and I
feel like this book I genuinely was
going oh wow that happened I didn't know
well you kept making jokes and I was
like Auntie and it yeah and I'm like
surely this is so ridiculous and you're
like but is it though and it is yeah no
it really is that ridiculous yeah it is
yes full sack ladies and gentlemen full
sack by Leela Fay um don't forget to
like subscribe rate review comment all
of the things send us a message we would
love to hear your thoughts on this um
because I feel like I have a lot more
thoughts on on this I will say by the
end I was rooting for raccoon I was like
okay like he's taking care of
her it's nice we always love a book when
you can root for a man named Raccoon by
the end at the beginning I was
like yeah I um am still not necessarily
a raccoon sympathizer quite yet I
wouldn't say that I'm like a huge fan
but I'm like okay you know I understand
a little more yeah no very fair okay we
are at a zero Baseline on
raccoon we don't hate him give or take
he's also not the hero that we're like
absolutely backing yes that's fair we're
going hey raccoon we see what you're
bringing to the table and we honor it
and we respect it and shoot some more
confetti out of that dick my guy sure
and until
then we will still be sitting here
recording other books so
see you next time smut [ __ ] see you
next time well that's it for this week's
smut [ __ ] we hope it was good for you
cuz it sure was great for us if you're
digging what we're doing it would mean a
lot if you'd take a minute to rate and
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week stay spoty
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