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Welcome to The Crucible, Conversations for the Curious.

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I am Hamish, your host.

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This podcast is for anyone going through awakenings, trying to make sense of life.

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Whether dark nights are the soul, needing to make life -changing decisions, struggling
with addiction or critical illness, or simply realizing that their life as they know it is

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not aligned to values and purpose.

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You are not alone.

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You can get through this, promise you.

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Life is far more beautiful on the other side.

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Hi everybody.

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We are in for a great conversation today.

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We are talking with Bryan and Bryan's from Dublin.

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So you're going to have to listen because he talks quite quickly and we've been chatting
and as he talks more quickly and more enthusiastic, the volume goes up, the level goes up,

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the enthusiasm goes up, but he's got an amazing story.

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He is a Gen X Techno Nerd.

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fuses music and art, holograms, computers, computer science and he creates stuff, art,
shows, you name it, all that kind of stuff.

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So Bryan, thanks so much for turning up today.

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Thank you so much, Hamish.

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I'm really delighted to be here and appreciate you reaching out to me.

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So yeah, great.

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Really enjoying your podcast as well.

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It's great work that you're doing.

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So happy to be, proud to be part of it.

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Lovely.

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Well, I'm glad you are and I'm looking forward to have this conversation with you.

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What got you into music and art and creativity and all that kind of stuff?

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Because I know that is really dear to your heart.

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Yeah, well, I started playing music when I was quite young, playing an instrument called
the tin whistle, which is a very common instrument that people start out with in Ireland.

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We were all taught the tin whistle in primary school.

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They kind of stuck with me.

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I liked it.

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I was good at it.

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So I kept it up reading my whole life.

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And then my dad bought me a flute when I was in my teens.

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My early 20s, I started going to this festival called the Willie Clancy Festival.

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And so that's around about 2000 and like that's really the big festival in the world for
Irish traditional music.

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And that's kind of like, you know, really opened my mind to the whole community of Irish
traditional music in a big way.

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So I made this software then called TunePal, which was something I had been thinking about
really since my early twenties.

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In fact, since I was an undergraduate, my final year project and everything was this thing
called TunePal.

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What it is, is a software that you can play a tune and it recognizes the tune, it gives
you the music score and then it allowed people to keep tune books then on their phones and

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share tune books with each other.

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So that became my PhD.

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So I kind of combined music and technology in that way.

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And then I released that one in 2009.

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I gave it away more or less for free.

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I mean, I used to charge for the app at one stage, but it's free now for everybody.

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can just go to tunepal.org and use it.

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And so then that really took the world off traditional music.

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It was a totally new thing.

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A whole generation of people come up to me at music sessions and trad sessions, whoa,
you're the guy that made Tunefall, Tunefall changed my life.

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So suddenly a whole thousands and tens of thousands of musicians got this technology and
learned traditional Irish music with it.

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So that was one of the big sort of things.

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But I teach computer science and

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I guess like I've always been an alternative thinker.

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I love computer science.

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I love coding and algorithm design and maths and I love basically how computers work, the
thinking machines as Alan Turing referred to them as, but like I love the graphical aspect

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of it.

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I like drawing pictures and I like sound and stuff.

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And then when I started teaching programming, I started teaching using this sort of a
field called creative coding.

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which is about using code, computer code, the actual language of the web, the internet,
everything, the technology, the business systems of the world, but using the computer code

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to make art.

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And that there's no necessary output, but you're just in a flow state, being creative,
being experimental.

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And my feeling is that that's a really, really open mode.

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You're in a great mode for learning.

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And so I find over the years students really, I hope they enjoy it, but I definitely enjoy
it.

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And for me, it's this great crack, like seeing the little colors, the pictures changing,
the sounds changing on the screen.

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knowing that you have the capability to create that is really powerful, really powerful.

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I mean, to get quite deep about it, I used to give talks about the psychedelic experience
and virtual reality and...

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You know, Terrence McKenna, I won't talk too much about this, but Terrence McKenna, he
wrote about the virtual reality in the early 90s when it was really nothing, you know, it

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was this huge big headsets.

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But the idea of it, the idea of being able to create reality from computer code was in his
mind.

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And that's a great kind of mindset, the programmer's mindset.

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That you can kind of treat life as a computer program.

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And you know what, you're the programmer.

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So if you don't like something, just go and reprogram it, you know?

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And that's so, I'll give you a quick example of what I mean by that, right?

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An awful lot of people I know, I'm in my 50s, a lot of people identify with their age a
lot.

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And they have birthdays every year and they're like, I'm getting older now.

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And there's an idea that you kind of program yourself to become old by using the language
of, by using all of that and getting old.

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And then people use, too old to do that.

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And then people are like, my leg is sore, so I can't do that.

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I wouldn't do that.

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All this negative programming, all this limiting, self-limiting beliefs.

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So my thing now is I'm zero years old.

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I wake up every day and I reprogram myself.

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I just go in and reset the variable age equals zero.

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Why not?

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Because I am a programmer.

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And I can.

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There's nothing to stop me from doing anything.

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You can think any thought.

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You can do any thing that you want.

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But people are obviously limited by their belief systems and their thoughts and their
traumas and their pains and everything that happened as I was for years as well, really in

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suffering and torment.

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And I didn't want to be alive.

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Didn't want to be alive.

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I had a full on PTSD depression and came out the other side of it.

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But that's kind of my view now.

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And I think another great...

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You know, like thing that I read earlier in my life was Alan Watts's book.

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I don't know if people have read it, but I read this and it's all about not taking
language so seriously and how we're programmed.

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And basically it's a very, it also encourages people to be playful because it's a playful
approach to the troubles and traumas that might come into a person's life.

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So there you go.

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That's a bit of, that's a few thoughts there.

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But yeah, I love the creative thing and being in the flow state with computers and with
music and making the colors come out.

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And like I say, I all of these cool new machines there for making music, this thing.

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And here's another thing about identity, right?

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And you can identify and be anything, okay?

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So now I'm a DJ.

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I identify as a DJ.

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I'm gonna update all my profile pages and everything.

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I just got these machines a few days, know, a few weeks ago, but I'm already a master,
like wouldn't say I'm a master of them, but you know, I'm playing around and I'm

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absolutely great cracks.

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So that's it.

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I identify as a DJ woo.

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Respect my DJ powers.

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Absolutely.

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Yep.

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I love that.

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You've well, we've got hours of conversation here.

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We really have you've you've nailed so many things at about 180 words a minute, which is
just brilliant.

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Where do we start?

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mean, so much you can recreate your own identity, you can re age yourself every year,
every day, every moment, create your own identity, rebuild it all really, really powerful

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things.

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And we don't realize we're allowed to do that.

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I mean, that was one of my biggest problems.

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didn't realize I was allowed to change my beliefs.

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mean, might sound stupid to some people, might sound mind blowing to some people.

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But I mean, it sounds like you do that.

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go, Hmm, I'm a DJ today.

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And yeah.

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Yeah, that's my kind of mindset now, but I have to say that took me, that took me, that
takes what I would say balls, you know?

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I talked to my, like I gave a talk about being creative in the computer science classroom.

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It does require balls because you have to, you have to pretend initially and you're going
to feel nervous.

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I don't anymore because I don't really have those.

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you know, feelings anymore, kind of go into the world and do whatever I want now mostly.

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But you have to pretend.

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Like if you're not comfortable being a DJ and standing up in front of people making beats,
you have to do that and feel nervous and also make a complete hames of it a good few times

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and get negative feedback and then keep going back and trying and trying.

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But it does require effort.

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But you have to, as they say, like you have to imagine yourself, in my opinion.

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And it does require balls.

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For example,

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About 10 years ago, I started teaching yoga as part of my computer science classes because
I just reflected about things that are important for young people to know.

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And I think if you're working in computer science technology, then you should have
practices like that complement all of the work that you're doing in your head all the

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time.

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In other words, you have to stretch your body.

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You have to know that you are a body.

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It's not that you have a body.

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This is you.

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your being is here.

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And if you don't maintain this being, then the overall being is not whole.

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and obviously I observed some of my students that they would over the course of their four
years of study of game design or computer science, it started out really skinny.

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And then as the years go on, they just pile on the weight.

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So by the time they reached it, and I know that's from the sedentary lifestyle.

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So I started teaching yoga and I'm not trained to teach yoga.

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do my own practice, but that required

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balls and I had to stand in front of a class of young people, not knowing anything about
how to teach yoga.

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And I had to do it, like write it down what I'm gonna do with them and then teach them all
the different things.

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And then I just got better at it through repetition.

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But I'm not, like I said, I'm not a yoga teacher, not trained as a yoga teacher, but that
required balls and you have to have balls in life.

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Not that you have to have balls, but I think to grow, you have to have balls.

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In other words, you have to be prepared.

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Being uncomfortable is fine.

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Being uncomfortable, being uncomfortable from the Zen point of view, from the Buddhist
point of view, there's no difference.

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There's just experience.

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And if we can learn to perceive suffering and non-suffering in the same way, then you
essentially can elevate yourself out of suffering.

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You know, if you can just see pain or whatever as a sensation.

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But that's hard to do as well.

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mean, people study years of meditation to achieve that, that, that.

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Or sometimes people can be just forced by their own circumstances to have to just accept
their pain and just play along, you know?

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So, yeah.

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Radical acceptance is a very, very powerful thing to have to do.

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And at some stage you have to, you have to go, this is life.

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This is this, this is whatever, you know, the conversation I had this morning on the
podcast.

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Yeah, it is.

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Yeah, it really, really is.

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And I love what you said about

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you know, having to get uncomfortable.

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I worked behind the camera for years in the TV industry.

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I never wanted to be in front of the camera.

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And now I am.

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And all that resistance, I don't want to do it.

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I don't want to do it.

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I don't want to do it.

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Fucking hell, I'm doing it.

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And I'm loving it.

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And it's great fun.

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Yeah.

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And it's, it's, it's, is whatever you resist seems to be the thing that you got to end up
doing that painful thing.

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Mmm.

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So yeah, so let's find out a bit more about your story, because obviously it's not all
music and there's a darker side to it as well.

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So can we go into that a little bit on what basically what went wrong?

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Let's call it that for now.

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Well, let me see.

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So things really were not going well maybe for me for a few years, but it was due to life
circumstances.

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just found myself, I mean, I I got involved in some businesses with my ex-partner and I
just didn't want to be there anymore.

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then in 2019, just had a really, really bad year.

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My mom passed away.

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and I had to sort of hold it together.

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was really struggling.

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I had to hold it together for the year.

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And so I held it together pretty much for the year, but I'm pretty sure that was a year
just like I experienced a lot of traumatic things.

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And then found myself at the start of 2020.

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Just being in a place where I didn't want to be, definitely did not want, the lockdown
obviously started, facing into, I don't know, indefinite misery.

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and living with a person I didn't want to be there anymore.

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I knew I had to leave, I couldn't stay.

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And so basically I moved out of the place where we were living.

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I moved in with my dad at the start of the lockdown.

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And I hadn't got a plan.

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That was the thing.

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I really was very, very weak, I would say.

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Like I had, you know, my emotional strength was low.

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I was broken hearted and I was broke.

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A lot of financial debt, money owed everywhere.

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And really having to start again.

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And I see these memes sometimes where there's like a mattress on the floor and it's just a
guy by himself.

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And that's what happened to me at the start of the lockdown.

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And I couldn't really cope.

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I had no plan, nothing.

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My sister actually, interestingly, I'll show you this.

221
00:14:26,271 --> 00:14:27,282
I forgot to bring this.

222
00:14:27,282 --> 00:14:34,153
My sister got me this lovely book at the very start of when I moved out and I knew I had
to start a new life.

223
00:14:34,153 --> 00:14:35,514
turning dreams into plans.

224
00:14:35,514 --> 00:14:38,295
I wrote down lots of stuff on the first page of that.

225
00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:42,017
I felt so low, about my goals and stuff, you know?

226
00:14:42,017 --> 00:14:46,608
And from then it was a downward spiral, all right?

227
00:14:46,608 --> 00:14:57,023
So first of all, the loneliness by myself in my dad's place, maybe playing video games,
started to drink because I really couldn't control my thoughts.

228
00:14:57,023 --> 00:15:01,749
I was endlessly thinking about my life problems from morning to night.

229
00:15:01,749 --> 00:15:03,540
And I just lost control of my thoughts.

230
00:15:03,540 --> 00:15:07,172
The only thing that really helped me a little bit was you could smoke a cigarette.

231
00:15:07,172 --> 00:15:10,314
That would stop them for a bit, but then I started chain smoking.

232
00:15:10,314 --> 00:15:13,076
And then that just made me more anxious, right?

233
00:15:13,076 --> 00:15:16,338
And so then I started drinking because I drink every day then.

234
00:15:16,338 --> 00:15:17,258
I have to drink.

235
00:15:17,258 --> 00:15:19,039
I didn't get into the habit.

236
00:15:19,259 --> 00:15:25,683
Maybe I should have just started first thing in the morning, but I would go through the
horrors during the day and then I started drinking in the evening time.

237
00:15:25,683 --> 00:15:29,395
And what happened then, I stopped being able to sleep.

238
00:15:29,685 --> 00:15:33,065
and I just found it impossible to go to sleep.

239
00:15:33,065 --> 00:15:35,175
I'll be lying in bed tossing and turning.

240
00:15:35,175 --> 00:15:39,675
And then finally when I would go to sleep, I felt myself having terrible nightmares.

241
00:15:39,675 --> 00:15:44,985
So I'd wake up like literally in a cold sweat, dreaming about all these events of my life.

242
00:15:45,185 --> 00:15:49,185
And these are the only real I realized that is what people have PTSD.

243
00:15:49,185 --> 00:15:54,145
When traumatic events happen and they start to just reoccur and you're obsessed about
them.

244
00:15:54,305 --> 00:15:55,565
So this was happening.

245
00:15:55,565 --> 00:15:58,133
then a lot of while I was going past.

246
00:15:58,133 --> 00:16:04,153
absolutely couldn't sleep in a really terrible form, then I managed to get ZopiClone.

247
00:16:04,293 --> 00:16:09,513
So I got a ZopiClone, I don't know if you know them, but they're a sleeping medication.

248
00:16:09,513 --> 00:16:14,603
And so I got a ZopiClone, wow, that knocked me out for whatever number of hours, great.

249
00:16:14,603 --> 00:16:18,273
So then I managed to start getting ZopiClone pretty regularly.

250
00:16:18,273 --> 00:16:22,233
And of course, the thing about these was that they're for short term use, of course.

251
00:16:22,233 --> 00:16:28,277
And the great thing you did take one and then I would actually feel myself, thoughts,
thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, I'll never sleep, I'll never sleep.

252
00:16:28,906 --> 00:16:30,506
was wash over me.

253
00:16:30,506 --> 00:16:34,369
I would sleep and it was so great to be able to switch off the thoughts.

254
00:16:34,369 --> 00:16:35,797
That's actually what I really wanted.

255
00:16:35,797 --> 00:16:37,185
I wanted oblivion.

256
00:16:37,185 --> 00:16:42,433
I wanted not to have to be, know, not to have to face my life or my problems.

257
00:16:42,733 --> 00:16:48,477
And so after a while, then of course the zombie con stops working because your brain
builds up a tolerance to it.

258
00:16:48,477 --> 00:16:50,357
It's not a long-term one.

259
00:16:50,438 --> 00:16:56,629
And then I was taking like one or two to try and knock myself out and also drinking as
well with them.

260
00:16:56,629 --> 00:17:00,539
Okay, so I'm not gonna go on, I don't wanna blame alcohol or Zop and Clown either.

261
00:17:00,539 --> 00:17:03,509
I got into very, very bad life habits.

262
00:17:03,509 --> 00:17:08,889
Then the next thing, sadly, loads of things happened during that period of about three
years.

263
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:12,269
I stayed at my dad's place for a while.

264
00:17:12,309 --> 00:17:19,749
I then moved into a tent, staying on some land that my friends owned down the country.

265
00:17:19,749 --> 00:17:23,443
And again, absolutely broken hearted, miserable, I arrived there.

266
00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:27,955
My friend set up this beautiful bell tent for me to come and stay in with my little dog at
the time.

267
00:17:27,955 --> 00:17:31,657
And again, I was there in my, I'm thinking, how have I ended up here?

268
00:17:31,657 --> 00:17:33,758
I'm living in a tent now, know?

269
00:17:33,758 --> 00:17:36,109
Again, all these negative, like whatever.

270
00:17:36,109 --> 00:17:40,121
But I also had these incredibly huge life problems that I had to sort out.

271
00:17:40,121 --> 00:17:42,447
I couldn't do it because COVID was just ongoing.

272
00:17:42,447 --> 00:17:44,523
So there's nothing could be even done about them.

273
00:17:44,523 --> 00:17:48,364
And then end this rumination, rumination for morning to night.

274
00:17:48,565 --> 00:17:49,385
And.

275
00:17:49,801 --> 00:17:53,943
Then I managed to acquire Xanax.

276
00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:55,063
Brilliant.

277
00:17:55,063 --> 00:17:58,185
First time I took a Xanax, all my pain went away.

278
00:17:58,185 --> 00:18:06,828
I thought if I could only get these now for six months, I would be able to sort out all my
problems, get my new place, start my new life and everything.

279
00:18:06,828 --> 00:18:12,251
And so then I found a doctor that will prescribe them to me for months.

280
00:18:12,251 --> 00:18:13,531
I don't blame my doctor.

281
00:18:13,531 --> 00:18:15,532
My doctor is very, very nice.

282
00:18:15,532 --> 00:18:18,367
They just did not know that you're not meant to.

283
00:18:18,367 --> 00:18:20,398
protect these things long term.

284
00:18:20,398 --> 00:18:24,460
And also I was, as they say, doctor shop and I get some here and there, whatever.

285
00:18:24,460 --> 00:18:27,821
So I managed to get myself like a pretty much endless supply of them.

286
00:18:27,821 --> 00:18:33,864
And I initially started trying to not take them every day, but it was impossible.

287
00:18:33,864 --> 00:18:41,007
And so I found myself then taking Xanax every day for about a year or maybe I could be
longer than that, maybe about a year and a half.

288
00:18:41,007 --> 00:18:44,933
And obviously, you know, they're very, very habit forming.

289
00:18:44,933 --> 00:18:51,636
And the anxiety that you get when they wear off is horrendously worse.

290
00:18:51,636 --> 00:18:55,538
it's like a bad, it's like you imagine the anxiety from a hangover.

291
00:18:55,538 --> 00:18:56,798
It's that kind of anxiety.

292
00:18:56,798 --> 00:18:59,599
It brings your anxiety slowly, slowly up.

293
00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:02,451
I found myself after a year and a half of being honest.

294
00:19:02,451 --> 00:19:03,961
I was really messed up.

295
00:19:03,961 --> 00:19:06,622
I couldn't do anything or make a decision.

296
00:19:06,622 --> 00:19:08,593
My sister would say, come stay here for a while.

297
00:19:08,593 --> 00:19:09,764
I go over there.

298
00:19:09,764 --> 00:19:10,564
I'm so miserable.

299
00:19:10,564 --> 00:19:13,119
Help me talk about my problems all the time.

300
00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:16,671
go over to my dad, stay there for a while, talking about my problems all the time.

301
00:19:16,671 --> 00:19:25,776
And still at the same time, keeping up a bit of yoga practice and also having to go in and
teach online, classes every week.

302
00:19:25,776 --> 00:19:27,337
It was really hard.

303
00:19:28,258 --> 00:19:38,423
I don't know if it's the right thing to say, but many times I had a bottle of wine on one
side to numb myself and my thoughts so I could even stay focused for my students.

304
00:19:39,604 --> 00:19:42,195
So it was all that kind of challenge.

305
00:19:42,195 --> 00:19:44,857
And then I was moving around for, let's see, where else?

306
00:19:44,857 --> 00:19:51,881
Finally, to sort of get this story out of the miserable part, it was very, very low
moments, many, low moments.

307
00:19:51,881 --> 00:19:57,514
As I say, my ability to make a decision or do anything for myself was kind of lost.

308
00:19:57,694 --> 00:19:59,215
I was just in such pain.

309
00:19:59,215 --> 00:20:06,479
People talk about physical pain, and in my sense, I actually felt this is mental torment
all day, every day.

310
00:20:07,205 --> 00:20:09,397
And then in the cycle of...

311
00:20:09,397 --> 00:20:13,927
withdrawal and getting back into the booze and passing out, blackouts and everything.

312
00:20:13,927 --> 00:20:15,217
It's terrible.

313
00:20:15,217 --> 00:20:16,537
I love myself.

314
00:20:16,537 --> 00:20:19,337
Even I love myself in that stage.

315
00:20:19,337 --> 00:20:23,237
know, but my mind, I remember we were saying to friends, I said, my mind is messed up.

316
00:20:23,237 --> 00:20:25,637
I've really, I've destroyed my brain now.

317
00:20:25,637 --> 00:20:27,857
All this like self-defeating stuff.

318
00:20:27,857 --> 00:20:32,377
And I felt I had, felt I had anhedinia as they say.

319
00:20:32,377 --> 00:20:37,013
I remember going to Sligo to a retreat to try and like hang out.

320
00:20:37,013 --> 00:20:48,213
bottle of wine in the car on the way down, glugging it away, one and a half Xanax in,
crying, writing my suicide note in my head over and over again, know, endless OCD

321
00:20:48,213 --> 00:20:49,633
thoughts.

322
00:20:51,513 --> 00:20:57,003
And at the end of the night, this retreat, we went all went down to look at the moon and
it was a beautiful full moon.

323
00:20:57,003 --> 00:20:59,613
And I just absolutely felt horrible.

324
00:20:59,613 --> 00:21:01,613
You know, everyone's going, the moon is so beautiful.

325
00:21:01,613 --> 00:21:03,253
Wow, it's so great for nature.

326
00:21:03,253 --> 00:21:05,173
I felt like just kill me down.

327
00:21:05,173 --> 00:21:06,509
I don't want to be here.

328
00:21:06,517 --> 00:21:07,367
And that was it.

329
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:17,527
Look at the beautiful moon, which is the most beautiful thing on like existence is
gorgeous as Allah what says, it's the plenum, the fullness of total joy.

330
00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:22,077
And with something like that, like that was a moment I just knew I'm totally lost, you
know?

331
00:21:22,077 --> 00:21:29,597
So finally I ended up staying with a friend and I got onto them and started taking
Sertraline, loads of side effects initially.

332
00:21:29,597 --> 00:21:32,277
So I had to stop the Xanax, know?

333
00:21:32,277 --> 00:21:35,337
Terrible withdrawals, messing up and down everything.

334
00:21:35,337 --> 00:21:38,268
Finally, I went out one day and I got a glass bottle.

335
00:21:38,268 --> 00:21:39,658
I was just thinking about suicide.

336
00:21:39,658 --> 00:21:41,220
I don't want to be here anymore.

337
00:21:41,717 --> 00:21:46,863
I slit my wrists, not my wrists very badly, but I started cutting my wrists like this.

338
00:21:46,863 --> 00:21:47,763
And I like, that's it.

339
00:21:47,763 --> 00:21:50,235
I was finding, wanted a way to die.

340
00:21:50,235 --> 00:21:53,006
Didn't want to have to face my life or my problems.

341
00:21:53,066 --> 00:21:55,267
And that was my low point then.

342
00:21:55,267 --> 00:21:56,828
My friend brought me into A &E.

343
00:21:56,828 --> 00:21:58,901
I spent 12 hours in A &E.

344
00:21:58,901 --> 00:22:01,121
Again, just completely disorientated.

345
00:22:01,121 --> 00:22:02,910
I totally disconnected at that point.

346
00:22:02,910 --> 00:22:05,961
I didn't even feel connected part of my body, you know?

347
00:22:06,141 --> 00:22:07,721
But I was totally helpless.

348
00:22:07,721 --> 00:22:10,631
I'd given myself up at that point to the care of others.

349
00:22:10,631 --> 00:22:13,901
I was incapable of really looking after myself.

350
00:22:13,901 --> 00:22:17,571
And if I was left alone by myself, I would probably try to kill myself.

351
00:22:17,571 --> 00:22:20,241
That was my thoughts were like that.

352
00:22:20,861 --> 00:22:25,221
So, finally I got into the acute ward of Vincent's Hospital.

353
00:22:25,221 --> 00:22:28,245
I was there in isolation for 24 hours, going, whoa.

354
00:22:28,245 --> 00:22:29,605
wow, how has this happened now?

355
00:22:29,605 --> 00:22:31,685
I'm in a psychiatric hospital.

356
00:22:31,685 --> 00:22:33,345
You know, what's gonna happen now?

357
00:22:33,345 --> 00:22:38,485
After 24 hours, then in the acute ward for a week, everything is really lovely in there.

358
00:22:38,485 --> 00:22:40,445
The staff so calm.

359
00:22:40,445 --> 00:22:41,845
You they were the right people.

360
00:22:41,845 --> 00:22:47,705
My sister even was gonna look after me, but that would have been so wrong, because they'd
have been all around me, Bryan, whatever.

361
00:22:47,705 --> 00:22:50,265
Whereas in there, they're just calm, and they just listen to you.

362
00:22:50,265 --> 00:22:54,485
And I told them all my stories and everything, and they understood.

363
00:22:55,125 --> 00:22:57,125
So I was a month in hospital.

364
00:22:57,626 --> 00:23:02,029
After a month they decided I was well enough to go out, but I didn't really feel well
enough.

365
00:23:02,390 --> 00:23:10,385
I was actually so unwell, I was thinking I'll just go back and live with my ex-partner
again after all the fucking trauma, because I just couldn't look after myself.

366
00:23:10,385 --> 00:23:13,280
And luckily my sister said, no, you're not going to do that.

367
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,201
We are going to get you an apartment.

368
00:23:15,201 --> 00:23:23,893
So I got an apartment in a place in Dublin called Ratt Mines and I moved into this
apartment and looked, I remember paying an absolute fortune for it every month.

369
00:23:23,893 --> 00:23:24,723
to start again.

370
00:23:24,723 --> 00:23:25,383
didn't care.

371
00:23:25,383 --> 00:23:26,673
The money was nothing.

372
00:23:26,673 --> 00:23:27,273
Irrelevant.

373
00:23:27,273 --> 00:23:29,153
I was either going to die or I started again.

374
00:23:29,153 --> 00:23:30,713
That was the way it was.

375
00:23:30,713 --> 00:23:44,013
So started there in this apartment and it took me probably another three to four months in
the apartment and sometimes I've like just mentalness, know, crazy thoughts and to be

376
00:23:44,013 --> 00:23:48,833
honest, some really bad drugs as well kind of came into my life at that point.

377
00:23:50,655 --> 00:23:51,726
But I was on the searcher lane.

378
00:23:51,726 --> 00:23:57,467
And then finally, I think around about Christmas then, I went on holidays to Gran Canaria
with another really great friend.

379
00:23:57,467 --> 00:23:59,321
So you have such brilliant friends all the time.

380
00:23:59,321 --> 00:24:01,973
And my family, loving family, I loved them so much.

381
00:24:01,973 --> 00:24:07,377
And my friends went over to Gran Canaria and something changed when I was over in Gran
Canaria.

382
00:24:07,377 --> 00:24:15,119
And that was, I sort of, the searcher lane as it were, kind of kicked in, in a really nice
way.

383
00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:18,415
I remember smoking some weed over there, going for a big long.

384
00:24:18,569 --> 00:24:23,630
and imagining what my life was gonna be in six months and feeling really positive about
that.

385
00:24:23,630 --> 00:24:29,112
For the first time, I actually felt well about imagining a better life for myself.

386
00:24:29,112 --> 00:24:38,475
And then I kind of tapped into, I think, a mental process, which was the thing that
Sertraline gave me back was control of my thoughts.

387
00:24:38,475 --> 00:24:44,917
So when I started thinking, you know, these negative things, blah, blah, and feeling bad,
I could say, no, I'm not gonna think that.

388
00:24:44,917 --> 00:24:46,441
And I would actually start thinking.

389
00:24:46,441 --> 00:24:52,973
happy thoughts about myself and about my life and doing positive things like going for my
run, doing breath work, doing yoga.

390
00:24:52,973 --> 00:24:55,604
And those things would start to make me feel good.

391
00:24:55,664 --> 00:25:05,607
That was such a game changer for me to actually do things that are positive things for my
life and for those positive things to make me feel well and happy.

392
00:25:05,607 --> 00:25:07,807
And so then I tapped into that.

393
00:25:07,867 --> 00:25:13,333
And so there was a few things I remember from that was first of all, stick to my plan.

394
00:25:13,333 --> 00:25:17,313
Whenever then I would feel like stressed or whatever I find my thoughts, I go stick to
your plan.

395
00:25:17,313 --> 00:25:18,303
This is what you're going.

396
00:25:18,303 --> 00:25:20,133
This is where you're doing right now.

397
00:25:20,133 --> 00:25:22,473
And then it would always bring me back to my plan.

398
00:25:22,473 --> 00:25:26,233
And when I went back to my plan, then I felt good and I felt like I was on the right path.

399
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:30,413
And I stuck to that, kept going back into that one and identifying with that one.

400
00:25:30,413 --> 00:25:33,653
And then finally everything came clear.

401
00:25:33,933 --> 00:25:37,253
Another thing is about, we were talking about radical acceptance.

402
00:25:37,413 --> 00:25:39,789
was a time, I rounded by Christmas time.

403
00:25:39,789 --> 00:25:41,750
And I just said, that's it, no going back.

404
00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:43,320
I'm here, I'm starting a new life.

405
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:44,210
This is brilliant.

406
00:25:44,210 --> 00:25:44,771
I love it.

407
00:25:44,771 --> 00:25:46,041
I'm a happy person again.

408
00:25:46,041 --> 00:25:49,792
I'd taken a semester off college because I was just too sick.

409
00:25:49,812 --> 00:25:52,643
then my university was brilliant.

410
00:25:52,643 --> 00:25:54,014
They supported me no problem.

411
00:25:54,014 --> 00:25:57,534
And then I came back in the second semester, started teaching again.

412
00:25:58,955 --> 00:26:02,426
But one amazing thing happened again, talk about radical acceptance.

413
00:26:02,426 --> 00:26:05,437
I remember one time being in my apartment by myself.

414
00:26:05,557 --> 00:26:10,517
And I had sorted out lots of things and I kind of got a little bit clearer.

415
00:26:10,517 --> 00:26:14,817
And I was there by myself one evening and all the negative thoughts started coming back.

416
00:26:14,817 --> 00:26:15,957
Bryan, you fucked up.

417
00:26:15,957 --> 00:26:16,907
Bryan, you're a waste.

418
00:26:16,907 --> 00:26:18,077
Bryan, can't be by yourself.

419
00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:19,197
Don't be by yourself.

420
00:26:19,197 --> 00:26:23,377
And every thought that came into my head, I said, yes, I know, it's fine.

421
00:26:23,377 --> 00:26:24,057
I accept.

422
00:26:24,057 --> 00:26:24,857
No problem.

423
00:26:24,857 --> 00:26:25,817
No problem.

424
00:26:25,817 --> 00:26:27,541
They were like, you know.

425
00:26:27,541 --> 00:26:29,881
You can't do that and you're a waster.

426
00:26:29,881 --> 00:26:30,671
You never go back to it.

427
00:26:30,671 --> 00:26:31,301
No problem.

428
00:26:31,301 --> 00:26:32,781
I just said, fine, I don't care.

429
00:26:32,781 --> 00:26:33,371
I don't care.

430
00:26:33,371 --> 00:26:33,981
No problem.

431
00:26:33,981 --> 00:26:37,961
I said to myself in my head, all of those negative thoughts.

432
00:26:37,961 --> 00:26:40,941
And strangely then they kind of lost their power over me.

433
00:26:40,941 --> 00:26:42,731
You know, they lost their power over me.

434
00:26:42,731 --> 00:26:49,281
People talk about transformational moment, but that was a transformational moment for me
when I decided not to accept my own bullshit.

435
00:26:49,281 --> 00:26:54,645
You know, my own thoughts were the things that had driven me crazy all those years.

436
00:26:54,645 --> 00:27:01,851
And I finally stood up to my, if you want to say myself, but this unconscious process,
which was driving me mental all the time.

437
00:27:02,212 --> 00:27:04,574
So over the time then I got my own place.

438
00:27:04,574 --> 00:27:06,516
I sorted out everything.

439
00:27:06,516 --> 00:27:08,698
Not quite, we still have financial problems.

440
00:27:08,698 --> 00:27:09,469
They don't bother me.

441
00:27:09,469 --> 00:27:11,851
They don't worry me anymore because they're not even real.

442
00:27:11,851 --> 00:27:19,528
They're problems that the matrix wants to put into me and make me stressed about, but
there's just people working in offices at the end of the day, right?

443
00:27:20,329 --> 00:27:24,270
But my, you know, all the stress and the hatred and I really wanted to kill my ex partner.

444
00:27:24,270 --> 00:27:27,131
We were so, we just had gone so far apart.

445
00:27:27,131 --> 00:27:28,591
We're great friends now.

446
00:27:28,591 --> 00:27:34,293
We've put it all behind us and we laugh when we do those things that we used to do before
to hurt each other.

447
00:27:34,293 --> 00:27:39,134
We laugh at each other now because we know that they're just like behavior patterns or
they're triggers.

448
00:27:39,134 --> 00:27:40,424
We throw grenades at each other.

449
00:27:40,424 --> 00:27:42,595
We even say that, stop throwing grenades.

450
00:27:42,595 --> 00:27:45,756
You know, but we have kind of worked on our problems now.

451
00:27:45,756 --> 00:27:47,036
It's interesting as well.

452
00:27:47,036 --> 00:27:50,119
I decided because the other thing I felt

453
00:27:50,119 --> 00:27:57,829
at one point that I was going to inflict intergenerational trauma on my nephews because I
knew I was, I just kind of felt like I was, was out of here.

454
00:27:57,829 --> 00:28:01,513
I had to carry, for example, one stage, I had to carry Xanax with me.

455
00:28:01,513 --> 00:28:06,154
I was on the campus because I was afraid I was going to throw myself off the roof of the
campus.

456
00:28:06,154 --> 00:28:10,642
We just got this beautiful new campus, which we're looking forward to all this like, you
know what I mean?

457
00:28:10,642 --> 00:28:13,177
The kind of storytelling that

458
00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:18,885
this campus we'd waited for so long and you're gonna be the person to throw yourself off
the roof of the campus.

459
00:28:18,885 --> 00:28:20,605
That's what you'll be famous for.

460
00:28:20,605 --> 00:28:24,385
Going on in my head, know, just kind of, be straight up with you.

461
00:28:24,385 --> 00:28:28,655
Those were genuine words that repeated themselves in my head all the time.

462
00:28:28,655 --> 00:28:33,545
That's why I have the Xanax in my pocket, just in case it got too bad, you know?

463
00:28:33,545 --> 00:28:35,945
So what was I gonna say?

464
00:28:35,945 --> 00:28:39,591
But yeah, finally, what I was saying is my...

465
00:28:39,591 --> 00:28:41,422
Ex-partner, we never got divorced.

466
00:28:41,422 --> 00:28:43,593
We're not probably gonna ever bother with any of that stuff.

467
00:28:43,593 --> 00:28:45,864
It's just, it's all the matrix again.

468
00:28:45,864 --> 00:28:48,835
You know, we live happy lives now separately.

469
00:28:48,835 --> 00:28:50,143
I've totally moved on.

470
00:28:50,143 --> 00:28:51,661
I live in a beautiful home.

471
00:28:51,661 --> 00:28:53,767
I have a lovely new boyfriend.

472
00:28:54,188 --> 00:29:00,040
Like it's a different, totally different kind of love and relationship, but it's also very
independent, you know?

473
00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:03,652
I don't want to get my stuff tied up with anybody else too much anymore.

474
00:29:03,652 --> 00:29:06,213
I want to be strong and independent by myself.

475
00:29:06,469 --> 00:29:09,120
And that's the thing that happened, I think, in my relationship.

476
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:12,532
I lost a lot of myself to this person.

477
00:29:12,532 --> 00:29:15,513
It was a person that maybe satisfied all my needs.

478
00:29:15,513 --> 00:29:19,614
And also we got really tied up in all of our business together.

479
00:29:19,614 --> 00:29:24,687
And when that didn't go well, then I got drawn into all of that.

480
00:29:24,687 --> 00:29:28,138
I think it's important for people maybe to try and be strong themselves.

481
00:29:28,138 --> 00:29:34,941
Young people, anyway, I'm not gonna give out about it, but like, it's just, you have to be
strong yourself.

482
00:29:36,371 --> 00:29:38,282
Yeah, but that's the main thing.

483
00:29:38,282 --> 00:29:39,923
There's a few good ones.

484
00:29:39,923 --> 00:29:45,105
A few other things, importance of keeping looking after the basics, I think.

485
00:29:45,105 --> 00:29:47,946
By the basics, mean, obviously go back to your breath.

486
00:29:47,946 --> 00:29:51,408
And one thing I do every day is swim half breathing.

487
00:29:51,708 --> 00:29:53,759
And I find that absolutely brilliant.

488
00:29:53,759 --> 00:29:56,880
That kind of helped me keep my sanity a little bit during the time.

489
00:29:56,880 --> 00:29:59,551
So I was going through those really hard times.

490
00:29:59,752 --> 00:30:02,623
And another thing that is my yoga practice.

491
00:30:02,623 --> 00:30:08,493
So again, if I find myself overwhelmed of too much to do or get stressed, I'll go for a
run as a priority, you know?

492
00:30:08,493 --> 00:30:18,300
If you've lots to do and you're getting overwhelmed, I think if you just like look after
your physical body first, because you are a physical being, you know, like there's a, you

493
00:30:18,300 --> 00:30:18,949
are everything.

494
00:30:18,949 --> 00:30:27,643
You're a spiritual being, it's physical being, but your physical being is, if you nourish
your physical being, then you can exist more fully in this realm.

495
00:30:28,033 --> 00:30:28,974
So I'm sorry.

496
00:30:28,974 --> 00:30:31,155
Also you can achieve your goals.

497
00:30:31,155 --> 00:30:39,086
You can do your projects if you're physically strong and if you are healthy.

498
00:30:39,086 --> 00:30:45,369
But it's okay to not be healthy and it's okay to be sick and it's okay to be addicted to
alcohol.

499
00:30:45,369 --> 00:30:55,912
As Gabor Maté would say, you probably know, mean, many people know of his work, but he
says if a person's been drinking alcohol for 20 years and they're lying on their bed,

500
00:30:56,512 --> 00:31:01,053
you're dying of cirrhosis, liver disease, the first thing he would say to that person is
you are not

501
00:31:01,585 --> 00:31:02,635
That's an identity.

502
00:31:02,635 --> 00:31:07,827
And I think at any point a person can become anything.

503
00:31:07,827 --> 00:31:13,088
People give up, people in active addiction give up and change their lives spontaneously.

504
00:31:13,188 --> 00:31:14,829
So that means it's possible.

505
00:31:14,829 --> 00:31:17,930
And also it's possible to do with support and help for friends.

506
00:31:17,930 --> 00:31:24,292
And it's also, I feel very okay to be sick, to be depressed, to be unwell.

507
00:31:24,292 --> 00:31:30,153
know, a lot of the depression is somehow it can be.

508
00:31:31,801 --> 00:31:32,681
self-perpetuating.

509
00:31:32,681 --> 00:31:35,081
So I knew I was depressed.

510
00:31:35,081 --> 00:31:38,381
The thought that I was depressed made me more depressed.

511
00:31:38,381 --> 00:31:39,031
You know what mean?

512
00:31:39,031 --> 00:31:39,981
I am depressed.

513
00:31:39,981 --> 00:31:42,181
I used to around telling everybody I have depression.

514
00:31:42,181 --> 00:31:43,601
I am depressed.

515
00:31:43,601 --> 00:31:44,771
I have depression.

516
00:31:44,771 --> 00:31:45,381
I'm depressed.

517
00:31:45,381 --> 00:31:45,991
have PTSD.

518
00:31:45,991 --> 00:31:47,021
Telling everybody.

519
00:31:47,021 --> 00:31:50,961
And so this kind of reinforced my identity as a person with depression.

520
00:31:50,961 --> 00:31:59,641
And another thought which really came into my head was my mum sadly had depression for at
least 12 years before she died.

521
00:31:59,773 --> 00:32:09,006
and probably are possibly caused by her menopause.

522
00:32:09,006 --> 00:32:17,658
Maybe it was undiagnosed and if she had had a different treatment, if she'd had, for
example, a HRT or something, maybe she'd have helped to regulate her emotions a lot.

523
00:32:17,658 --> 00:32:22,569
But she went into a kind of a 12 year depression and she spent a good bit of time in
hospitals.

524
00:32:22,569 --> 00:32:29,691
She had an ECT and a lot of really, really very, very bad depression, know, catatonic.

525
00:32:29,725 --> 00:32:31,536
And it was really, we all supported her.

526
00:32:31,536 --> 00:32:34,067
We all didn't really know what to do.

527
00:32:34,067 --> 00:32:38,069
But the thought in my head when I was sick was it's in your family.

528
00:32:38,069 --> 00:32:39,359
You can't do anything about it.

529
00:32:39,359 --> 00:32:42,331
It happened to your mom and now it's happening to you.

530
00:32:42,331 --> 00:32:43,881
And it's just your destiny.

531
00:32:43,881 --> 00:32:47,053
You just have to accept your depression and you're going to kill yourself.

532
00:32:47,053 --> 00:32:51,214
You know all this kind of self storytelling stuff.

533
00:32:51,975 --> 00:32:56,977
the mind can really be our greatest tormentor.

534
00:32:56,979 --> 00:33:10,333
I really believe that the mind, if you can kind of master your mind to some degree, you
can, you know, you can, you can, you are so powerful, so powerful that you can master your

535
00:33:10,333 --> 00:33:13,904
emotions and your triggers and recognize yourself.

536
00:33:13,904 --> 00:33:23,155
It's totally fine to feel pain and to feel trauma and to be depressed, but to know
yourself as a person that's six inches above being.

537
00:33:23,155 --> 00:33:30,571
you know, observing yourself being depressed, to identify with that higher consciousness
self, but the radical acceptance as well.

538
00:33:30,571 --> 00:33:35,635
Like I had to radically accept, as I say, my life was absolutely fucked.

539
00:33:35,635 --> 00:33:37,126
I owed money to everybody.

540
00:33:37,126 --> 00:33:37,887
Yeah.

541
00:33:37,887 --> 00:33:42,170
My relationship was totally not what I thought it was and so on.

542
00:33:42,170 --> 00:33:46,614
You know, I had to radically accept that I was wrong about almost everything in life.

543
00:33:46,614 --> 00:33:48,836
And I had to just say, yes, it's fine.

544
00:33:48,836 --> 00:33:49,567
It's okay.

545
00:33:49,567 --> 00:33:53,075
But everybody, once you do that, as I say, it's very liberating.

546
00:33:53,075 --> 00:34:01,406
Because now I would say, and the words of Alan Watts often resonate, I'm under no
obligation to be the same person I was five minutes ago.

547
00:34:01,406 --> 00:34:03,366
You know, so you're always ready to reinvent.

548
00:34:03,366 --> 00:34:05,806
Here's an interesting one for you, right?

549
00:34:06,246 --> 00:34:13,266
At the start of my depression and at the start of my descent into madness, it was a true
descent into madness, right?

550
00:34:13,266 --> 00:34:17,146
I wrote all of this plan down here in my book.

551
00:34:17,146 --> 00:34:20,566
And on my 50th birthday, right?

552
00:34:20,566 --> 00:34:24,306
This was after three years of hell that I wouldn't wish on anybody.

553
00:34:24,306 --> 00:34:29,170
I actually found all of the things that I had written in that book that they actually came
true.

554
00:34:29,706 --> 00:34:32,348
all of the things I had, every single one of them.

555
00:34:32,348 --> 00:34:34,769
I said, want to have my own house.

556
00:34:34,769 --> 00:34:36,690
I want to be financially independent.

557
00:34:36,690 --> 00:34:37,503
I want to be free.

558
00:34:37,503 --> 00:34:40,353
I want to be back teaching and doing all the things I love doing.

559
00:34:40,353 --> 00:34:42,154
I'd written all of this down.

560
00:34:42,194 --> 00:34:46,657
And I wanted to find a new person, share my life, a good friend, and all the stuff.

561
00:34:46,657 --> 00:34:49,499
And I'd all of these things written down at the start of my stuff.

562
00:34:49,499 --> 00:34:55,292
And then the rest of this book after this is all, all my pain is written in here, you
know?

563
00:34:55,358 --> 00:35:04,586
But it's so amazing, people talk about manifestation, but that's a true example of when I
manifested a better life for myself, but I had to go through hell, real hell, feel.

564
00:35:04,766 --> 00:35:11,712
Mental health and suicidal thoughts relentlessly for years, know?

565
00:35:12,153 --> 00:35:20,660
Caused by a trauma, not something necessarily inherent, but caused by just traumatic life
events that I found myself unable to cope with.

566
00:35:20,821 --> 00:35:22,802
So it's totally possible.

567
00:35:22,802 --> 00:35:24,833
And I feel now I am so happy.

568
00:35:24,833 --> 00:35:27,223
I'm so well, I'm creative, playful.

569
00:35:27,223 --> 00:35:28,924
I don't take myself too seriously.

570
00:35:28,924 --> 00:35:32,785
I work really hard and do my yoga practice every day.

571
00:35:32,785 --> 00:35:36,146
Freezing cold shares out my backyard in most mornings.

572
00:35:36,146 --> 00:35:37,786
I do my running.

573
00:35:37,786 --> 00:35:40,687
I'm doing all this amazing creative projects now.

574
00:35:40,687 --> 00:35:44,522
I'm really, feel living my best life at 52.

575
00:35:44,848 --> 00:35:47,439
I'm not even 52 at zero years old, I should say.

576
00:35:47,439 --> 00:35:48,879
Obviously I do not have an age.

577
00:35:48,879 --> 00:35:51,460
I do not identify as having an age.

578
00:35:51,644 --> 00:35:53,477
I feel really, really happy.

579
00:35:53,477 --> 00:35:57,231
And at my lowest times, I remember thinking, will I ever feel happiness again?

580
00:35:57,231 --> 00:36:04,571
And the truth is, like, I don't know if you'd say it's worth it, but it definitely feels
good now to be alive and to be happy.

581
00:36:04,571 --> 00:36:05,743
And I don't want to die ever.

582
00:36:05,743 --> 00:36:07,229
I want to stay around forever.

583
00:36:07,229 --> 00:36:09,109
That is such an incredible story, Bryan.

584
00:36:09,109 --> 00:36:13,069
And I love the way you've, you've joined all those dots backwards.

585
00:36:13,069 --> 00:36:15,229
It's a conversation I had two or three days ago with someone.

586
00:36:15,229 --> 00:36:19,729
He looked at his life that way when he hit the bottom and he yeah, this is exactly where
I'm meant to be.

587
00:36:19,729 --> 00:36:23,369
All the dots have brought me to where I am now.

588
00:36:24,409 --> 00:36:33,469
and another theme identity, you know, you've, you, you identified with the drugs, with the
Xanax, with this, with that, I'm this, I'm that, I'm that.

589
00:36:33,729 --> 00:36:34,671
But when we.

590
00:36:34,671 --> 00:36:38,456
As you said, you have six inches above and you know, I have a problem.

591
00:36:38,456 --> 00:36:39,738
don't I'm not PTSD.

592
00:36:39,738 --> 00:36:41,431
I'm struggling with PTSD.

593
00:36:41,431 --> 00:36:44,986
You know, when you start to look at it, you're changing everything, aren't you?

594
00:36:44,986 --> 00:36:50,223
And that's, again, you're taking responsibility for your life rather than giving it away.

595
00:36:50,527 --> 00:36:51,647
Exactly, yeah.

596
00:36:51,647 --> 00:36:56,570
And that's empowering for people because people then realize that they can actually make
decisions.

597
00:36:56,570 --> 00:37:01,041
A thing I found really hard was making decisions during that hard time.

598
00:37:01,041 --> 00:37:03,272
And now I realize you just make a decision.

599
00:37:03,272 --> 00:37:05,313
It's actually not that hard.

600
00:37:05,933 --> 00:37:07,134
You just make it.

601
00:37:07,134 --> 00:37:17,408
And actually language is very powerful because once you decide something and you use the
language to yourself, as we understand, you program your subconscious and you program your

602
00:37:17,408 --> 00:37:19,829
reality around the words that you use.

603
00:37:19,957 --> 00:37:21,809
So yeah, definitely.

604
00:37:21,809 --> 00:37:23,980
And I observed that a lot in other people as well.

605
00:37:23,980 --> 00:37:29,165
And I hear the language that they use now because, and I can relate to it because I've
been there myself.

606
00:37:29,165 --> 00:37:33,459
And I see that that is, yeah, something that you can grow from.

607
00:37:33,809 --> 00:37:34,380
absolutely.

608
00:37:34,380 --> 00:37:38,352
Yeah, I'm a car crash victim.

609
00:37:38,493 --> 00:37:39,393
I'm an alcoholic.

610
00:37:39,393 --> 00:37:40,074
I'm an addict.

611
00:37:40,074 --> 00:37:41,295
I'm a rape survivor.

612
00:37:41,295 --> 00:37:42,376
You all these things.

613
00:37:42,376 --> 00:37:43,827
It's no, you're a person.

614
00:37:43,827 --> 00:37:46,118
Those are events you've gone through.

615
00:37:46,379 --> 00:37:47,420
Let them go.

616
00:37:47,420 --> 00:37:49,830
Radical acceptance.

617
00:37:49,830 --> 00:37:50,302
happened.

618
00:37:50,302 --> 00:37:51,423
Shit happens.

619
00:37:51,423 --> 00:37:52,834
How are you going to respond to it?

620
00:37:52,834 --> 00:37:53,624
Yeah.

621
00:37:53,864 --> 00:37:54,625
exactly.

622
00:37:54,625 --> 00:38:00,289
And another one that I hear people as a recovering alcoholic or as a former alcoholic.

623
00:38:00,469 --> 00:38:03,301
So that's an identity with, but it's all fine.

624
00:38:03,301 --> 00:38:06,664
I mean, I don't want to judge anybody either because it's just different perspectives.

625
00:38:06,664 --> 00:38:10,677
Like we all have different perspectives on the same thing.

626
00:38:10,677 --> 00:38:19,283
I mean, from a spiritual perspective, there's really only one consciousness that looks out
through all eyes.

627
00:38:19,511 --> 00:38:29,024
And it's worth remembering that when you look at somebody and you see a person's behavior
Just know that that person's behavior is you you know in a different form.

628
00:38:29,024 --> 00:38:41,157
That's that's it That's my spiritual understanding of reality I don't know if it's because
I deeply understand that now or just because I've said it to myself so many times But it's

629
00:38:41,157 --> 00:38:49,377
always I even see that like it Yeah, as I say you can just see different people at
different stages and know that that's you as well

630
00:38:49,377 --> 00:38:54,772
you know, experiencing a different form of reality in different circumstances.

631
00:38:55,239 --> 00:39:05,475
that and that takes the pressure away doesn't it you you then realize I then realize that
that person's going through their own experiences doing it their own way and there's

632
00:39:05,475 --> 00:39:06,996
nothing wrong with it.

633
00:39:07,656 --> 00:39:08,683
There is nothing wrong with it.

634
00:39:08,683 --> 00:39:10,838
You know, I can't tell you to change.

635
00:39:10,898 --> 00:39:20,424
You're experiencing it your way and then hopefully you will learn from that and go I
wasn't I was a morbid idiot wasn't I making making a nightmare out of it.

636
00:39:20,424 --> 00:39:22,833
I want to I want to have fun and be as you said

637
00:39:22,833 --> 00:39:27,981
joyful, peaceful, not take myself seriously and next, next experience.

638
00:39:28,252 --> 00:39:29,773
Yeah, exactly.

639
00:39:30,673 --> 00:39:33,835
You know, think we talk about like alcohol.

640
00:39:34,154 --> 00:39:35,056
It's worth it.

641
00:39:35,056 --> 00:39:39,799
We're maybe chatting about that for a little bit because I don't drink anymore.

642
00:39:39,799 --> 00:39:47,742
And like, I also go to pubs a lot and I drink a lot of beer still because I play
traditional Irish music.

643
00:39:47,763 --> 00:39:49,914
And so I'm around the pub environment and everything.

644
00:39:49,914 --> 00:39:54,766
But it's interesting now being in the pub and being being sober and yeah.

645
00:39:55,765 --> 00:40:01,650
So you just have to accept, it's obviously such a poisonous and toxic substance.

646
00:40:01,650 --> 00:40:04,372
really people talk about it, I now understand it now as well.

647
00:40:04,372 --> 00:40:07,866
It does keep people at a low vibrational level.

648
00:40:07,866 --> 00:40:17,594
What that means for me is that, for example, in my time, okay, I was drinking because I
was traumatized, but people who drink to socialize are people who drink to relax.

649
00:40:17,594 --> 00:40:19,175
That's the big problem.

650
00:40:19,175 --> 00:40:23,787
Drinking because you're traumatized and because you need to numb your pain, I understand.

651
00:40:23,787 --> 00:40:27,648
Drinking to relax and socialize is traumatizing yourself.

652
00:40:28,228 --> 00:40:33,470
know, alcohol is a traumatic substance because obviously it's poisonous.

653
00:40:33,690 --> 00:40:41,942
And so like, while it does give you the buzz and it takes the pain away, whatever, for a
short period of time, you have to understand that it's a poisonous substance.

654
00:40:41,942 --> 00:40:46,354
It's like, for example, if you want to drink shampoo every day or a bottle of bleach,
you're going to feel sick.

655
00:40:46,354 --> 00:40:50,215
Same thing with alcohol, you know, it's a poisonous substance.

656
00:40:51,063 --> 00:40:57,243
I think what happens is people get hangovers and then they drink more because they have a
hangover.

657
00:40:57,243 --> 00:41:01,393
And once you get into that one, that's the problematic.

658
00:41:01,393 --> 00:41:06,493
If you can actually tolerate your hangover and not drink, I think you're less likely to
become an alcoholic.

659
00:41:06,493 --> 00:41:13,803
But this is how it's so habit forming because people drink and then they have a hangover
and actually they feel a little bit more anxious the next day.

660
00:41:13,803 --> 00:41:14,403
I do.

661
00:41:14,403 --> 00:41:16,313
I definitely would have.

662
00:41:16,313 --> 00:41:17,423
And you would,

663
00:41:17,623 --> 00:41:25,383
beer relaxes, and it doesn't really, it doesn't really do, I don't know what exactly it
does, but you crave it, and that's the problem.

664
00:41:25,383 --> 00:41:30,223
When people drink in a daily thing, in order to cure their hangover, they start drinking.

665
00:41:30,223 --> 00:41:34,703
Because then you realize you can pretty much stay buzzed and hangover, drunk, slightly
drunk all the time.

666
00:41:34,703 --> 00:41:38,853
And that's how it's easy for people to slip into alcoholism without even knowing it.

667
00:41:38,853 --> 00:41:44,343
Or for people without really any traumas that they're covering up, they can easily slip
into it.

668
00:41:44,343 --> 00:41:47,563
They're being tricked on a massive scale.

669
00:41:47,602 --> 00:41:55,098
Somehow I feel when drink driving was more prominent, there was more of an understanding
of the dangers of alcohol.

670
00:41:55,098 --> 00:42:00,783
know, this was maybe back in the eighties and we were kind of told it was dangerous in
school.

671
00:42:00,783 --> 00:42:12,212
But I think all that has been abandoned because it's just as it's so obviously ingrained
in culture and ingrained in people's experience of the world.

672
00:42:12,212 --> 00:42:14,545
There's alcohol everywhere, the pubs everywhere.

673
00:42:14,545 --> 00:42:16,360
It's unquestioned.

674
00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:26,528
In my country, being an alcoholic is almost a, there's an element of nationalism about it,
which I find sad.

675
00:42:26,528 --> 00:42:27,380
Why?

676
00:42:27,380 --> 00:42:34,353
To me, it's a form of mass manipulation by the kind of Irish state.

677
00:42:34,353 --> 00:42:40,668
The Irish state generates a huge amount of revenue from, I don't know if I can even say,
Diageo company, whatever.

678
00:42:40,668 --> 00:42:43,459
Diageo basically, which is a UK,

679
00:42:44,844 --> 00:42:50,764
multinational alcohol company that obviously does not care about the wellbeing of their
consumers.

680
00:42:50,764 --> 00:42:52,064
They don't, they can't.

681
00:42:52,064 --> 00:42:57,364
They just look at a new market and there are people that are paid in those companies who
don't think about that.

682
00:42:57,364 --> 00:43:00,673
They just think, how are we going to promote our brand in this company country?

683
00:43:00,673 --> 00:43:00,924
Great.

684
00:43:00,924 --> 00:43:06,484
We'll get pretty girls as they do in Africa, going into the bars, giving away free
Heineken.

685
00:43:06,484 --> 00:43:07,574
they don't, this is great.

686
00:43:07,574 --> 00:43:10,614
We're going to increase our brand and we're going to increase our brand loyalty all this
time.

687
00:43:10,614 --> 00:43:13,144
We're going sponsor football matches and whatever.

688
00:43:14,218 --> 00:43:16,399
And then the Irish state makes a massive amount of money.

689
00:43:16,399 --> 00:43:18,830
We make, think, something like nine billion a year.

690
00:43:20,248 --> 00:43:25,753
I think it's nine billion from Apple and then something like nine or 10 billion as well
from Diageo.

691
00:43:25,913 --> 00:43:30,635
And so that funds our universities, it funds our hospitals, it funds the politicians.

692
00:43:30,635 --> 00:43:35,657
And so that's why there isn't an incentive.

693
00:43:35,757 --> 00:43:41,739
I realize now the state just wants to maintain, the state is its own entity that just
wants to keep everything as it is.

694
00:43:41,739 --> 00:43:43,612
So there's an unquestioning

695
00:43:43,612 --> 00:43:45,012
Acceptance.

696
00:43:45,173 --> 00:43:53,567
Young people it seems are challenging this acceptance of alcohol as being a thing that
people do to socialise or whatever.

697
00:43:53,567 --> 00:43:55,499
Because young people have video games.

698
00:43:55,499 --> 00:43:59,810
They would meet up in their homes and they play Xbox games together and they get their
buzz out of that.

699
00:43:59,810 --> 00:44:02,302
So they're like, why would I go and drink alcohol?

700
00:44:02,302 --> 00:44:05,254
But as I say, the Irish state makes a huge amount out of it.

701
00:44:05,254 --> 00:44:12,960
And also you even see on TikTok all of this Guinness nationalism bullshit where people are
like, the point of Guinness is the best one, whatever.

702
00:44:12,960 --> 00:44:17,180
I feel, and I do comment, but like, you know, nobody really gets me.

703
00:44:17,180 --> 00:44:22,810
I do comment, like, if you have three pints of this, you're going to feel sick for about
two or three days afterwards.

704
00:44:22,810 --> 00:44:24,720
Why doesn't nobody talk about that?

705
00:44:24,720 --> 00:44:31,900
You know, it causes diarrhea, digestive discomfort, flatulence, obesity, stupidity.

706
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:33,450
You're going to have more accidents.

707
00:44:33,450 --> 00:44:34,900
Everyone's going around, this is great.

708
00:44:34,900 --> 00:44:36,040
I love this one.

709
00:44:36,040 --> 00:44:38,810
So I just think that needs to be challenged a little bit.

710
00:44:38,810 --> 00:44:42,080
You know, the idea that drinking alcohol is actually fun.

711
00:44:43,124 --> 00:44:45,435
Yeah, you often see like my hippie friends and everything.

712
00:44:45,435 --> 00:44:47,825
They're the first ones out on the dance floor.

713
00:44:47,825 --> 00:44:49,666
Most of us don't drink alcohol anymore.

714
00:44:49,666 --> 00:44:51,436
We're the first ones out on the dance floor.

715
00:44:51,436 --> 00:44:58,568
You know, we'll camp, but we'd be up until eight o'clock in the morning around the
campfire having the crack and having the chats and the tunes and everything.

716
00:44:58,568 --> 00:45:00,609
So we don't need alcohol.

717
00:45:00,609 --> 00:45:12,562
But actually an interesting thing is the idea, which we don't have in Ireland and you
don't have in the UK either, but it's the idea of being calis-ober.

718
00:45:12,704 --> 00:45:17,946
So as you say, everybody's journey to sobriety and recovery and healing is different.

719
00:45:17,946 --> 00:45:21,508
And in other countries, there's this concept called Calis over.

720
00:45:21,508 --> 00:45:26,400
And I know that cannabis, for example, is a cure for alcoholism for many people.

721
00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:30,992
Many people stop drinking when they discover cannabis.

722
00:45:30,992 --> 00:45:37,734
And sadly, that's not available in the, you can get it under medical thing, but by depth,
you could get it to cure your alcoholism.

723
00:45:37,734 --> 00:45:39,535
Sadly, you can't, well, why not?

724
00:45:39,535 --> 00:45:41,886
We need to question these assumptions.

725
00:45:43,516 --> 00:45:49,472
so I'm the same in Ireland as well, but in lots of places in the world, people and people
you shouldn't do it.

726
00:45:49,472 --> 00:45:51,819
In my opinion, everybody's recovery is different.

727
00:45:51,819 --> 00:45:58,220
If it goes to AA is your recovery route and that's your, you know, the thing that
maintains you every day.

728
00:45:58,220 --> 00:46:04,813
But if you also want to switch to something, which is in my opinion, not as toxic, not
toxic, it just has a totally different thing.

729
00:46:04,813 --> 00:46:08,464
many, many of us would regard cannabis as a medicine.

730
00:46:08,600 --> 00:46:13,843
And many of us would regard it as being a supplement that enhances our lives.

731
00:46:13,843 --> 00:46:19,165
It's not like that for everybody and people have different points of view and I accept all
the different points of view.

732
00:46:19,165 --> 00:46:22,587
But that could be a route to sobriety for some people as well.

733
00:46:22,587 --> 00:46:25,698
And I think it's important to acknowledge that.

734
00:46:25,698 --> 00:46:27,229
That's happening in other countries.

735
00:46:27,229 --> 00:46:29,210
Germany, people are growing weed.

736
00:46:29,430 --> 00:46:32,991
They're growing because it's legal now for 50 million citizens.

737
00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:43,620
Again, if you look at Keir Starmer in the UK, he talks about keeping it illegal and that
the discussion is not even part of the political discussion over here.

738
00:46:43,620 --> 00:46:53,400
So we need to be a bit more mature about how we regard, you know, I suppose the realm of
substances that alter conscious and alter our minds.

739
00:46:53,400 --> 00:46:55,520
Similarly, psychedelics.

740
00:46:55,520 --> 00:47:02,312
Right now we're in the middle of magic mushroom season and there's a great culture now in
Ireland of going out picking magic mushrooms.

741
00:47:02,312 --> 00:47:06,935
and drying them and they can be very therapeutic.

742
00:47:06,935 --> 00:47:19,644
My friends run an inward bound institute, is, they run psychedelic retreats in the
Netherlands for one week and they have clients from all over the world where it's illegal

743
00:47:19,644 --> 00:47:24,027
and they have a really, really safe held mushroom experience.

744
00:47:24,027 --> 00:47:29,370
And things like that can elevate a person's consciousness for long term.

745
00:47:29,876 --> 00:47:37,420
Similarly, like, I don't know, the other psychedelic medicines like ayahuasca, there's
ayahuasca retreats happening a lot around Ireland.

746
00:47:38,081 --> 00:47:41,643
They're kind of underground, but they can be always found.

747
00:47:42,644 --> 00:47:44,004
But they're not part of the mainstream.

748
00:47:44,004 --> 00:47:47,977
And of course they're all illegal and people have to kind of seek them out.

749
00:47:47,977 --> 00:47:57,280
So there's that element of danger around this, is because of the illegality and because
they're not really discussed.

750
00:47:57,280 --> 00:48:01,000
Similarly, I'll just throw this last one in, it's about toad medicine.

751
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:04,740
I don't know if you've heard of the toad or smoking the toad.

752
00:48:05,540 --> 00:48:09,450
Yeah, so that is the strongest, most powerful psychedelic.

753
00:48:09,450 --> 00:48:18,180
And for many people that have had it, and I've had it four times before my descent into my
mental health thing, know, so these things are not even a, they don't cure you or

754
00:48:18,180 --> 00:48:23,120
anything, but they can elevate your conscious and give you a different experience of
reality.

755
00:48:23,200 --> 00:48:26,816
The toad is an extremely powerful psychedelic and.

756
00:48:26,816 --> 00:48:31,846
really, it brings you so present into the moment.

757
00:48:31,846 --> 00:48:40,776
You're totally aware of being yourself alive and you know that you're the most important
thing, the center of the universe and the universe loves you.

758
00:48:41,216 --> 00:48:45,456
you know, can see some people describe it as like seeing their soul.

759
00:48:45,456 --> 00:48:47,616
And that's what can happen as well.

760
00:48:47,616 --> 00:48:52,206
You can kind of see your consciousness or experience it in a really profound way.

761
00:48:52,206 --> 00:48:56,312
So these can be very spiritual tools for people as well.

762
00:48:56,807 --> 00:49:00,120
Yeah, so that was just a thought on the toad.

763
00:49:00,422 --> 00:49:04,402
The whole psychedelic thing is intriguing, isn't it?

764
00:49:04,402 --> 00:49:09,962
mean, ketamine, full stop, great for PTSD, absolutely brilliant for it.

765
00:49:09,962 --> 00:49:19,762
And it's coming through slowly, but without going down the conspiratorial route too much,
you you mentioned the alcohol and it does.

766
00:49:19,762 --> 00:49:28,078
If you've got a society just bubbling, you know, you haven't got to use 1984, you can just
use alcohol just to keep them there.

767
00:49:28,078 --> 00:49:30,250
Once you start free thinking, you're a danger.

768
00:49:30,250 --> 00:49:31,721
I'm a danger.

769
00:49:31,721 --> 00:49:33,082
Most of my guests are a danger.

770
00:49:33,082 --> 00:49:35,465
They could say, know, well, fuck this, you're not doing it right.

771
00:49:35,465 --> 00:49:36,766
You're limiting us.

772
00:49:36,766 --> 00:49:39,508
We're going to stand up.

773
00:49:39,608 --> 00:49:41,300
And that's the way things are going.

774
00:49:41,300 --> 00:49:45,558
You know, I don't want to go down that route on this conversation.

775
00:49:45,558 --> 00:49:46,654
But

776
00:49:47,310 --> 00:49:49,772
Cause that could be a whole other podcast to be honest.

777
00:49:49,772 --> 00:49:53,075
know, there's just, it's so much to talk about in that field.

778
00:49:53,075 --> 00:50:01,463
You know, like I think just to even sort of touch on it is, is a, like there's, it's just
a very deep subject.

779
00:50:01,463 --> 00:50:02,864
Yeah.

780
00:50:02,864 --> 00:50:04,796
But the Ketamine is amazing as well.

781
00:50:04,796 --> 00:50:05,706
Yeah.

782
00:50:05,787 --> 00:50:07,288
I think for me,

783
00:50:07,648 --> 00:50:16,128
I think the medication which worked really well with sertraline and I wouldn't recommend
anybody takes it or whatever because it has to be done with things like CBT.

784
00:50:16,128 --> 00:50:18,558
You know, this was I discovered after a while, just take it.

785
00:50:18,558 --> 00:50:22,348
It's going to alter your brain chemistry, but you've got to do the work.

786
00:50:22,348 --> 00:50:24,328
You've got to do the work, as they say.

787
00:50:24,328 --> 00:50:27,828
You've got to do the CBT and the reprogramming of your brain.

788
00:50:27,828 --> 00:50:32,828
But for me, I wanted I didn't want to something that was going to just give me an instant
fix.

789
00:50:32,828 --> 00:50:35,488
Even though ketamine, the

790
00:50:35,668 --> 00:50:44,612
The work that they're doing, for example, MIND Foundation have the ketamine clinics now
all over Germany and all over Europe, and they run these amazing psychedelic conferences

791
00:50:44,612 --> 00:50:47,233
for neuroscientists and therapists.

792
00:50:47,753 --> 00:50:51,474
But yeah, it's slowly making its way over here.

793
00:50:51,615 --> 00:50:55,666
But yeah, there's a whole, you know what, even the doctors get paid from the alcohol
industry.

794
00:50:55,666 --> 00:51:00,539
So there's a kind of invested interest in keeping people kind of sick and stupid.

795
00:51:00,539 --> 00:51:03,319
And it's interesting as well that during the...

796
00:51:04,256 --> 00:51:15,596
Russian wasn't too sure if it was the Russian Revolution, but they made the price of
alcohol really really cheap cheaper than milk and so they just kept the population pissed,

797
00:51:15,596 --> 00:51:28,056
you know while they were basically Whatever taking control of people So it's true as well
alcohol is a a is the ultimate mind control drug, but it's for a whole culture

798
00:51:28,222 --> 00:51:30,785
that that was a what they did in South Africa.

799
00:51:30,785 --> 00:51:34,269
And I'm not quite sure when it was but it was you'd get paid with the DOP.

800
00:51:34,269 --> 00:51:41,336
So you'd get paid labour, and you'd be given the alcohol and yeah, people would fight
people will get drunk, it would subdue people.

801
00:51:41,336 --> 00:51:42,337
It worked.

802
00:51:42,337 --> 00:51:44,299
Unfortunately, it works.

803
00:51:45,521 --> 00:51:46,692
But you've

804
00:51:46,692 --> 00:51:46,912
was it?

805
00:51:46,912 --> 00:51:51,546
George Orwell says, give them beer and football and petty squabbles.

806
00:51:51,747 --> 00:51:57,733
And that's enough to keep them occupied, you know, and drama and the movies and things
like that.

807
00:51:57,733 --> 00:51:58,314
That's it.

808
00:51:58,314 --> 00:51:59,115
Yeah, that's George Orwell.

809
00:51:59,115 --> 00:52:00,930
I don't know the exact quote, but.

810
00:52:00,930 --> 00:52:01,870
It's it's chilling.

811
00:52:01,870 --> 00:52:02,471
Just that.

812
00:52:02,471 --> 00:52:03,371
Yeah.

813
00:52:03,391 --> 00:52:10,514
But I want to tap into you what you said then you you had the sertraline but you had to do
the CBT.

814
00:52:10,514 --> 00:52:12,605
You're taking responsibility for your life.

815
00:52:12,605 --> 00:52:13,975
That's what you said.

816
00:52:14,176 --> 00:52:17,247
You've taken you've had to take that responsibility.

817
00:52:17,247 --> 00:52:19,488
You've had to look at your identity.

818
00:52:19,488 --> 00:52:24,570
You've had to stop being that victim and fix me, fix me, fix me.

819
00:52:24,570 --> 00:52:27,021
It's like, no, I'm going to fix me.

820
00:52:27,121 --> 00:52:27,941
And

821
00:52:28,947 --> 00:52:30,129
That's, yeah.

822
00:52:30,129 --> 00:52:30,669
important bit.

823
00:52:30,669 --> 00:52:33,722
You ayahuasca, you have to integrate.

824
00:52:33,722 --> 00:52:36,064
I guess with ketamine, you have to integrate.

825
00:52:36,064 --> 00:52:38,205
I guess with mushrooms, you have to.

826
00:52:38,967 --> 00:52:43,330
It's easy just to, you know, take the toxins, take the medicine.

827
00:52:43,330 --> 00:52:45,872
You have to heal yourself.

828
00:52:46,226 --> 00:52:49,959
You have to grow, you have to grow out of the thing that you are.

829
00:52:49,959 --> 00:52:56,205
And the radical acceptance is very important because you have to 100 % accept where you
are in order to grow forward.

830
00:52:56,205 --> 00:53:02,681
You can imagine yourself, right, wow, I am a survivor, I am healing, I am on my growth
journey.

831
00:53:02,681 --> 00:53:10,878
You start saying these things, you program yourself, and then your life experience grows
out of your everyday pain into a person who's experiencing pain but is growing out of it.

832
00:53:10,878 --> 00:53:13,650
So suddenly you become a hero to yourself.

833
00:53:13,950 --> 00:53:18,909
So yeah, as you take action and work on your plan and move forward.

834
00:53:20,309 --> 00:53:34,410
I think as well, certainly for me and from conversations I've had, you are a hero if you
have found yourself in that dark place, but and you've used the Xanax to not kill

835
00:53:34,410 --> 00:53:35,100
yourself.

836
00:53:35,100 --> 00:53:37,332
You've used the alcohol to not kill yourself.

837
00:53:37,332 --> 00:53:39,063
You've used all these things.

838
00:53:39,083 --> 00:53:43,418
You, me, 10 % of the population are

839
00:53:43,418 --> 00:53:47,861
fucking heroes because we found something that got us dying.

840
00:53:47,861 --> 00:53:48,821
Wasn't healthy.

841
00:53:48,821 --> 00:53:49,822
It kept us alive.

842
00:53:49,822 --> 00:53:55,425
And then the clever one, fortunate ones, we've gone, okay, this crutch is breaking.

843
00:53:55,445 --> 00:53:59,598
I now need to own my life, sort my shit out.

844
00:53:59,598 --> 00:54:02,299
And yeah, we are the heroes.

845
00:54:02,299 --> 00:54:04,551
And then you're hero again, because you sorted your life out.

846
00:54:04,551 --> 00:54:08,063
And then the next trouble, next thing hits you and you've got to climb over the next one.

847
00:54:08,063 --> 00:54:09,794
Yeah, peel another layer.

848
00:54:10,241 --> 00:54:11,341
Yeah.

849
00:54:11,522 --> 00:54:20,328
But definitely, I think once you overcome something, hope I will keep this kind of
positive mental approach to life that I have now.

850
00:54:20,328 --> 00:54:30,075
I feel if I fought my own thoughts for three years and I survived, I kind of feel like I
could do anything.

851
00:54:30,075 --> 00:54:33,838
I can achieve anything now.

852
00:54:33,838 --> 00:54:36,890
And I do feel very happy because I'm stable and well.

853
00:54:37,696 --> 00:54:42,779
mind is not troubled by that sort of endless rumination anymore.

854
00:54:42,779 --> 00:54:43,677
Fabulous.

855
00:54:43,677 --> 00:54:48,917
yeah, it's true as well and that's why we shouldn't judge people who are inactive, as they
say, inactive addiction.

856
00:54:48,917 --> 00:54:57,243
And I don't judge anybody who drinks alcohol or takes Xanax or anything like that because
as you say, sometimes you just have to do it to stay on the planet.

857
00:54:57,243 --> 00:54:59,504
Yeah, yeah.

858
00:54:59,504 --> 00:55:01,886
I think that is it.

859
00:55:01,886 --> 00:55:04,667
We're all making sense and that works.

860
00:55:05,608 --> 00:55:09,270
Being happy and sober works, being high as a kite works.

861
00:55:09,651 --> 00:55:13,944
But at some stage we've got to change those experiences, haven't we?

862
00:55:13,944 --> 00:55:15,029
And grow.

863
00:55:15,029 --> 00:55:16,129
Exactly.

864
00:55:17,670 --> 00:55:29,613
is a great mindset to have, you know, to always imagine that you're in a learning mode and
an open mode and there's always something new and every experience is to be valued for its

865
00:55:29,613 --> 00:55:30,574
uniqueness.

866
00:55:30,574 --> 00:55:33,524
I don't know if we have time, but there's one small story I could tell you.

867
00:55:33,524 --> 00:55:39,649
Yeah, I remember being at Azora, which is a big festival in Hungary.

868
00:55:39,649 --> 00:55:42,229
I was giving a talk on Friday and...

869
00:55:42,229 --> 00:55:43,829
I was so excited to give this talk.

870
00:55:43,829 --> 00:55:45,789
I was very, very nervous.

871
00:55:45,789 --> 00:55:49,309
And on Wednesday, my laptop broke.

872
00:55:49,309 --> 00:55:51,039
And so that was it.

873
00:55:51,039 --> 00:55:54,449
And I had no laptop then to give my talk for all these people at Azora.

874
00:55:54,449 --> 00:56:00,549
And I remembered a talk that I had heard the previous day.

875
00:56:00,949 --> 00:56:03,049
And this is the story.

876
00:56:03,049 --> 00:56:06,815
The story is about this yogi who was so advanced.

877
00:56:06,815 --> 00:56:14,290
that he was able to communicate with the spirit realm and could levitate and perform very
advanced yoga techniques.

878
00:56:14,351 --> 00:56:20,555
And a person visited this yogi who was in an advanced state of cancer and he was dying.

879
00:56:20,555 --> 00:56:23,867
And the person said to him, why don't you just cure yourself off the cancer?

880
00:56:23,867 --> 00:56:25,859
You know, you have all these yoga powers.

881
00:56:25,859 --> 00:56:28,991
And he says, no, this is a very interesting experience.

882
00:56:28,991 --> 00:56:31,843
I am waiting to see what this is teaching me.

883
00:56:32,344 --> 00:56:34,687
So then I thought,

884
00:56:34,687 --> 00:56:37,128
Fuck the laptop, I'm here at Azora.

885
00:56:37,128 --> 00:56:39,189
This is the best place in the world, you know?

886
00:56:39,189 --> 00:56:41,680
It doesn't matter, this is teaching me something.

887
00:56:41,680 --> 00:56:45,162
And it teaches me the importance of just going with the flow and letting go.

888
00:56:45,162 --> 00:56:48,843
And I could have been there, damn, my fucking laptop is broke.

889
00:56:48,843 --> 00:56:50,904
No, this is a disaster.

890
00:56:50,904 --> 00:56:52,165
Instead I just went for it.

891
00:56:52,165 --> 00:56:53,511
had a backup of my USB.

892
00:56:53,511 --> 00:56:56,427
It was actually an amazing talk and I was really happy.

893
00:56:56,427 --> 00:57:01,989
But I chose to adopt that approach, you know, which is like that everything can teach us
something.

894
00:57:02,364 --> 00:57:03,265
Brilliant.

895
00:57:03,265 --> 00:57:04,536
I think that's the way to go, isn't it?

896
00:57:04,536 --> 00:57:06,988
It is it is be prepared.

897
00:57:06,988 --> 00:57:10,971
Be truthful, be authentic and be you and yeah, as you said, have fun.

898
00:57:10,971 --> 00:57:12,352
Have a lot of fun.

899
00:57:13,573 --> 00:57:14,674
Cool.

900
00:57:14,954 --> 00:57:16,826
Bryan, this has been a fabulous conversation.

901
00:57:16,826 --> 00:57:18,968
I've I've I've enjoyed it.

902
00:57:18,968 --> 00:57:24,162
I'm energized and yeah, where can people find out more about you?

903
00:57:24,162 --> 00:57:30,647
I know you said you're you're a lecturer, but also what what else can where else can
people find you and what you do and things like that?

904
00:57:31,485 --> 00:57:37,509
So I have a blog, it's bryandugan.org, b-r-y-a-n, dugan.org, d-u-g-g-a-n.

905
00:57:37,609 --> 00:57:46,105
And I put all my projects, I've been putting all my work and my projects up there, my art
and music and stuff up there, and also teaching related stuff.

906
00:57:46,105 --> 00:57:47,535
So you can find me there.

907
00:57:47,535 --> 00:57:55,111
I'm also very easy to find on all the socials because my name is Scooter500,
S-k-o-o-t-e-r-5-0-0.

908
00:57:55,111 --> 00:57:58,704
So you'll find me on Facebook and Instagram and LinkedIn.

909
00:57:58,704 --> 00:58:01,075
By all means, reach out if any of these

910
00:58:01,326 --> 00:58:06,921
If you want to say hi, whatever, welcome to reach out and say hi.

911
00:58:06,921 --> 00:58:08,475
So yeah, you can find me there.

912
00:58:08,475 --> 00:58:10,021
Yeah.

913
00:58:10,021 --> 00:58:11,512
where else can people find you?

914
00:58:11,512 --> 00:58:13,804
Because I know you're on stages from time to time.

915
00:58:13,804 --> 00:58:17,187
So where can people find you later this year or maybe next year?

916
00:58:17,945 --> 00:58:21,528
And so I'm gonna probably do something.

917
00:58:21,528 --> 00:58:23,490
Well, let's see.

918
00:58:23,490 --> 00:58:25,132
The next big event.

919
00:58:25,132 --> 00:58:26,343
I don't have anything planned.

920
00:58:26,343 --> 00:58:27,163
I've nothing coming up.

921
00:58:27,163 --> 00:58:30,435
I'm going to be at GodotCon in Berlin in about two weeks.

922
00:58:31,917 --> 00:58:42,186
Yeah, one interesting thing though, if you want to read a thing, Nature Magazine just
recently did an article about a project that I worked on called I Am Danny.

923
00:58:42,186 --> 00:58:46,299
So if people want to read that one, I'll actually post that on my blog as well.

924
00:58:46,993 --> 00:58:51,693
so that's a super cool, it an art project all about a chap that came to life in 1997.

925
00:58:51,693 --> 00:58:52,793
I came to life.

926
00:58:52,793 --> 00:58:54,803
The guy that made it is called Sean Davidson.

927
00:58:54,803 --> 00:58:58,863
And I even put this cool art project together, but it's in nature magazine.

928
00:58:58,863 --> 00:59:01,553
If anybody's interested in reading that one.

929
00:59:02,493 --> 00:59:08,617
you can probably find me on TikTok cause I'm going to start doing TikTok live streams of
music and art stuff as well.

930
00:59:08,731 --> 00:59:09,041
Brilliant.

931
00:59:09,041 --> 00:59:11,251
Well, I'm already following you on TikTok.

932
00:59:11,251 --> 00:59:12,832
yeah, we're looking forward to some of those.

933
00:59:12,832 --> 00:59:22,921
What I'd like to do as well, Bryan, is put one or two of your little excerpts of some of
your your music and your lives just through the podcast, just so people can have a little

934
00:59:22,921 --> 00:59:24,532
stop and go, wow, this is cool.

935
00:59:24,532 --> 00:59:26,917
So yeah, we'll definitely put some inserts in.

936
00:59:26,917 --> 00:59:29,365
So I'll get some videos off you later for that.

937
00:59:29,466 --> 00:59:30,406
Yeah.

938
00:59:30,870 --> 00:59:31,891
Great, that's so good.

939
00:59:31,891 --> 00:59:39,763
I'm actually doing a kind of a show reel video, as they say, like I've got one draft of
it, but I'll finish it off and I'll send it to you so you can get loads of stuff from

940
00:59:39,763 --> 00:59:39,941
that.

941
00:59:39,941 --> 00:59:41,374
That would be amazing.

942
00:59:41,374 --> 00:59:43,779
And then one last very important question.

943
00:59:43,779 --> 00:59:47,977
What is your superpower that you've got from turning your life around?

944
00:59:49,227 --> 00:59:59,458
It would be, and this is the ultimate one, not to take yourself seriously and not to take
the things that happened to you in my life, I don't really take them seriously anymore.

945
00:59:59,458 --> 01:00:01,539
I think everything is hilarious.

946
01:00:01,599 --> 01:00:07,785
So that's a good way, like to see your problems from the perspective of this is just life,
this is funny.

947
01:00:07,785 --> 01:00:12,138
And I suppose not to take my thoughts too seriously, my emotions too seriously.

948
01:00:12,138 --> 01:00:16,251
Your emotions will lead you astray if you follow your emotions.

949
01:00:16,291 --> 01:00:17,174
You have to...

950
01:00:17,174 --> 01:00:19,374
like be six inches off the ground.

951
01:00:20,210 --> 01:00:22,201
Brilliant, brilliant, I love it.

952
01:00:22,201 --> 01:00:24,032
I think that is odd on, it?

953
01:00:24,032 --> 01:00:26,073
Yeah.

954
01:00:26,073 --> 01:00:26,634
Fabulous.

955
01:00:26,634 --> 01:00:33,856
Well, thank you so much for showing up and all that enthusiasm and humor and yeah.

956
01:00:33,856 --> 01:00:36,037
was an absolute pleasure speaking to you, Hamish.

957
01:00:36,037 --> 01:00:38,138
And I hope that was okay.

958
01:00:38,418 --> 01:00:41,409
you know what, as I say, you know, you're doing really great work.

959
01:00:41,409 --> 01:00:43,150
I watched two of the podcasts this morning.

960
01:00:43,150 --> 01:00:46,621
I got two totally different perspectives, lovely stories.

961
01:00:46,621 --> 01:00:50,943
And I wish you every success with the, you know, with the podcast and growing, growing the
audience.

962
01:00:50,943 --> 01:00:55,014
Cause I think it's really good and important work that you're doing, sharing these
stories.

963
01:00:55,014 --> 01:00:56,219
Wonderful, that's ever so kind.

964
01:00:56,219 --> 01:00:57,042
Thank you very much.

965
01:00:57,042 --> 01:01:01,396
I am very fortunate and I enjoy it and it's great fun, so yeah.

966
01:01:01,396 --> 01:01:03,027
Yeah, great stuff.

967
01:01:03,027 --> 01:01:04,915
I'll share your work widely.

968
01:01:04,946 --> 01:01:06,406
Brilliant, thanks so much.

969
01:01:07,178 --> 01:01:11,538
Thank you for listening to this episode of The Crucible: Conversations for the Curious.

970
01:01:11,538 --> 01:01:20,178
If these powerful stories of transformation resonated with you, be sure to like, subscribe
and share this show with anyone who you think could do with a dose of inspiration for

971
01:01:20,178 --> 01:01:21,118
their own journey.

972
01:01:21,118 --> 01:01:27,698
I would really appreciate it if you could make any comments on your favourite podcast
platform as well, that helps me reach more people.

973
01:01:27,698 --> 01:01:31,158
All the important links and information are in the show notes below.

974
01:01:31,158 --> 01:01:34,242
Thank you very much for listening and catch up with you soon.