1 00:00:02,089 --> 00:00:04,634 Thanks for tuning in to the Sandals Church podcast. 2 00:00:04,761 --> 00:00:08,621 Our vision as a church is to be real with ourselves, God, and others. 3 00:00:08,756 --> 00:00:11,439 We're glad you're here, and we hope you enjoy this message. 4 00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:27,094 One of the things that I have found the most challenging about my life, and I don't know 5 00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:27,094 what's been the most challenging about your life, but for me, I have been shocked and 6 00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:27,094 surprised by the level of relational conflict I've had to deal with. 7 00:00:27,132 --> 00:00:28,359 Anybody ever been there? 8 00:00:28,809 --> 00:00:36,661 I mean, whether it's you're on the playground in the fourth grade and somebody kicks the 9 00:00:28,809 --> 00:00:36,661 ball in your face, you're like, okay, we need to discuss this, or you start dating for the 10 00:00:28,809 --> 00:00:36,661 first time. 11 00:00:36,716 --> 00:00:42,713 That's always fun as teenagers to start dating, and you realize that not only are you 12 00:00:36,716 --> 00:00:42,713 attracted to the opposite sex, but you may hate them. 13 00:00:42,752 --> 00:00:43,450 Amen. 14 00:00:44,109 --> 00:00:45,514 And then you get married, right? 15 00:00:45,551 --> 00:00:45,993 That's fun. 16 00:00:46,031 --> 00:00:49,417 Spice it up a little bit and live with the same person for the rest of your life. 17 00:00:49,584 --> 00:00:51,661 Then there's jobs, then there's the world. 18 00:00:51,716 --> 00:00:54,473 I mean, everywhere we look, there's just conflict everywhere. 19 00:00:54,521 --> 00:01:05,677 Whether it's Russia, Ukraine, whether it's Israel, Hamas, whether it's China and America, 20 00:00:54,521 --> 00:01:05,677 with Taiwan, whether it's Republican or Democrat, sometimes it's even amongst Christians. 21 00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:09,822 We're all dealing with this tidal wave of conflict. 22 00:01:09,965 --> 00:01:11,281 So that's why I'm wearing my Mr. 23 00:01:11,335 --> 00:01:12,819 Rogers sweater today. 24 00:01:13,989 --> 00:01:15,534 We're going to have fun today and relax. 25 00:01:15,581 --> 00:01:16,433 And if you don't know, he is. 26 00:01:16,471 --> 00:01:20,439 He was fantastic back when the world was calm and made sense. 27 00:01:21,930 --> 00:01:23,798 But here's the thing I want you to know. 28 00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:30,713 If you're new to Christianity or Sandals Church, you may be terrible at conflict, but 29 00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:30,713 Jesus is amazing at it. 30 00:01:30,912 --> 00:01:36,537 There's never been a human being on Earth who was better at conflict than he was. 31 00:01:36,703 --> 00:01:39,254 This is how good Jesus is at conflict. 32 00:01:39,382 --> 00:01:43,519 He can manage the conflict that you have right now between you and God. 33 00:01:44,049 --> 00:01:47,194 The Bible says there's only one person that can mediate that conflict. 34 00:01:47,242 --> 00:01:55,780 It says the man Jesus Christ, because he perfectly reflects God as God, and he perfectly 35 00:01:47,242 --> 00:01:55,780 reflects you as human. 36 00:01:56,230 --> 00:02:08,993 And so I just want you to listen today to Jesus as he challenges you, encourages you, 37 00:01:56,230 --> 00:02:08,993 invites you to manage conflict in a way listen to this that reflects your faith, because 38 00:01:56,230 --> 00:02:08,993 we're all going to manage conflict. 39 00:02:09,042 --> 00:02:09,346 Amen. 40 00:02:09,377 --> 00:02:10,645 Just not very good. 41 00:02:10,828 --> 00:02:16,246 But some of us, if we start managing it in a way that reflects Jesus, it's going to change 42 00:02:10,828 --> 00:02:16,246 our lives. 43 00:02:16,427 --> 00:02:21,930 So, number one, Jesus encourages me to see my part in the conflict. 44 00:02:22,830 --> 00:02:30,954 So when we watch the media between Hamas, the Palestinians, and the Israelis, what do they 45 00:02:22,830 --> 00:02:30,954 see in the conflict? 46 00:02:31,002 --> 00:02:36,750 What the other person did with clarity, total clarity, total conviction. 47 00:02:37,169 --> 00:02:39,520 What does both sides fail to see? 48 00:02:40,050 --> 00:02:42,122 Maybe their part in the conflict. 49 00:02:42,265 --> 00:02:46,074 And this just isn't an issue between Palestine and Israel. 50 00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:48,114 This is an issue between your teenagers in your house. 51 00:02:48,151 --> 00:02:48,877 Amen. 52 00:02:49,054 --> 00:02:49,490 Okay. 53 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:51,469 And if you just have one kid, you're cheating. 54 00:02:51,550 --> 00:02:52,557 That's cheating. 55 00:02:52,734 --> 00:02:57,780 You need to spice it up a little bit and have multiple children in your home. 56 00:02:58,310 --> 00:02:59,713 Here's what Jesus says. 57 00:02:59,752 --> 00:03:02,818 He says, Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye? 58 00:03:02,913 --> 00:03:08,710 Now, we tackled this last week, and I challenge you to look within your own self for the 59 00:03:02,913 --> 00:03:08,710 one issue that you need to deal with. 60 00:03:08,780 --> 00:03:11,349 But here's the varsity level Christianity. 61 00:03:11,430 --> 00:03:21,818 When you begin to look at what maybe you did when someone hurt you or offended you, why do 62 00:03:11,430 --> 00:03:21,818 you notice the log that is in their eye but you fail to see? 63 00:03:21,903 --> 00:03:23,340 You fail to see. 64 00:03:25,069 --> 00:03:28,830 Why do you see the speck in their eye, but you fail to see the log that is in your own 65 00:03:25,069 --> 00:03:28,830 eye? 66 00:03:29,169 --> 00:03:37,389 He said, how can you say to your brother, let me take the speck that's in your eye out 67 00:03:29,169 --> 00:03:37,389 when you yourself do not see the log that's in your own eye? 68 00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:38,574 You hypocrite. 69 00:03:38,622 --> 00:03:40,289 Jesus says, that's not a compliment. 70 00:03:42,310 --> 00:03:49,330 He says, first take the log that's out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take 71 00:03:42,310 --> 00:03:49,330 the spec that is out of your brother's eye. 72 00:03:49,490 --> 00:04:00,539 If you want to improve your marriage, if you want to improve your friendships, if you want 73 00:03:49,490 --> 00:04:00,539 to improve your relationship with your kids, your church, the people that you work with, 74 00:03:49,490 --> 00:04:00,539 learn to see this. 75 00:04:03,550 --> 00:04:05,500 Some of you, you got two of them. 76 00:04:08,750 --> 00:04:15,933 So the next time you're offended, the next time you're upset, here's how you can begin to 77 00:04:08,750 --> 00:04:15,933 see what's invisible to you. 78 00:04:16,132 --> 00:04:19,709 Ask this question why am I so triggered? 79 00:04:23,490 --> 00:04:27,949 Hey, Sandals Church, thank you so much for continuing with us in our series Oblivious. 80 00:04:28,110 --> 00:04:31,550 I just want to take a brief moment and invite you to partner with us financially. 81 00:04:31,629 --> 00:04:35,086 You can do so by going to donate se for now. 82 00:04:35,127 --> 00:04:36,519 Let's get back into the message. 83 00:04:38,250 --> 00:04:40,870 Now, some of you are triggered because I use the word triggered. 84 00:04:41,290 --> 00:04:45,829 All my conservatives are like, See, you just got triggered. 85 00:04:46,970 --> 00:04:48,817 Why am I so triggered? 86 00:04:48,994 --> 00:04:57,514 The other night, Tammy and I were having a discussion that's hashtag for fighting, and she 87 00:04:48,994 --> 00:04:57,514 said something that really offended me. 88 00:04:57,552 --> 00:04:58,822 She didn't mean to be offensive. 89 00:04:58,886 --> 00:05:00,490 That was not her intent. 90 00:05:01,069 --> 00:05:06,480 And as I was trying to listen, I was also trying to process, why am I so upset about this? 91 00:05:07,810 --> 00:05:10,110 And at first, I had no clue. 92 00:05:10,529 --> 00:05:17,101 And then I realized I went, oh, okay, this goes back to some of my rooted issues from 93 00:05:10,529 --> 00:05:17,101 childhood. 94 00:05:17,165 --> 00:05:18,610 This has nothing to do with her. 95 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:22,930 This has to do with how I felt as a kid when I had no voice. 96 00:05:24,069 --> 00:05:34,279 And once I realized that and I could process listen to this word, my own crap, I was able 97 00:05:24,069 --> 00:05:34,279 to listen with clarity to what she was trying to say. 98 00:05:34,810 --> 00:05:49,225 So the next time you're so upset and so offended, maybe this is the Holy Spirit's 99 00:05:34,810 --> 00:05:49,225 invitation into a deeper relationship with yourself, rather than saying, okay, what's 100 00:05:34,810 --> 00:05:49,225 wrong with this idiot moronic, non saved Christian, right? 101 00:05:49,327 --> 00:05:52,860 You know where you go, maybe say, okay, what am I missing, Lord, about myself? 102 00:05:54,290 --> 00:05:55,870 Why am I so triggered? 103 00:05:56,769 --> 00:06:00,745 Some of you, your issues with me or Santa's church have nothing to do with Sandals Church. 104 00:06:00,778 --> 00:06:02,589 It has to do with your last church. 105 00:06:04,149 --> 00:06:09,009 I'm responsible for a lot of things in your life, not what happened at your last church. 106 00:06:11,350 --> 00:06:12,660 How about this one? 107 00:06:13,110 --> 00:06:15,639 Have I sinned in this relationship? 108 00:06:16,569 --> 00:06:17,173 You're like. 109 00:06:17,211 --> 00:06:17,826 Never pastor. 110 00:06:17,858 --> 00:06:18,949 I love Jesus. 111 00:06:20,649 --> 00:06:21,398 Okay. 112 00:06:21,564 --> 00:06:23,910 Have I sinned with my tone? 113 00:06:25,209 --> 00:06:27,589 I call my wife the queen of tone. 114 00:06:28,329 --> 00:06:30,101 She can't sing, but she can hear tone. 115 00:06:30,165 --> 00:06:30,757 Amen. 116 00:06:30,853 --> 00:06:32,101 She can hear tone. 117 00:06:32,245 --> 00:06:33,930 She's like, I don't like your tone. 118 00:06:36,269 --> 00:06:37,802 So is my tone correct? 119 00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:40,060 And if you have teenagers, you understand this, right? 120 00:06:40,509 --> 00:06:42,997 Yeah, they specialize in tone. 121 00:06:43,173 --> 00:06:46,029 They are getting a master's level course in tone. 122 00:06:48,050 --> 00:06:49,759 Was my tone right? 123 00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:52,105 And here's the thing about tone. 124 00:06:52,137 --> 00:06:55,410 Oftentimes we're the last to hear our own tone. 125 00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:56,625 You ever said this? 126 00:06:56,648 --> 00:06:57,314 I didn't say that. 127 00:06:57,351 --> 00:06:58,129 Rude. 128 00:07:00,709 --> 00:07:02,077 How about my attitude? 129 00:07:02,173 --> 00:07:05,410 Maybe I was tired, frustrated, angry. 130 00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:07,800 Have I sinned with my words? 131 00:07:08,170 --> 00:07:10,550 Well, I'm just telling the truth, Pastor. 132 00:07:10,970 --> 00:07:13,526 Well, the Bible says, speak in truth and love how'd you do it? 133 00:07:13,548 --> 00:07:15,990 That how about this? 134 00:07:16,060 --> 00:07:18,199 Did I misunderstand something? 135 00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:21,485 And I'm a professional communicator. 136 00:07:21,538 --> 00:07:22,185 I don't know if you know that. 137 00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:23,980 I communicate for a living. 138 00:07:24,589 --> 00:07:26,617 I've literally said this in a message. 139 00:07:26,704 --> 00:07:28,165 I'm not going anywhere. 140 00:07:28,278 --> 00:07:29,141 I'm not leaving. 141 00:07:29,206 --> 00:07:32,029 Been in the lobby and somebody asked me, Why are you leaving? 142 00:07:35,009 --> 00:07:41,545 They actually heard the exact opposite of what I said, and that's about something that 143 00:07:35,009 --> 00:07:41,545 matters. 144 00:07:41,737 --> 00:07:46,350 So when there's conflict or there's tension, you have to ask yourself, did I misunderstand 145 00:07:41,737 --> 00:07:46,350 something? 146 00:07:46,420 --> 00:07:46,961 How about this? 147 00:07:47,016 --> 00:07:51,281 Am I interpreting a meaning to what the other person says? 148 00:07:51,336 --> 00:07:55,490 And let me say this about all of you who are professional interpreters of meaning and 149 00:07:51,336 --> 00:07:55,490 motive. 150 00:07:56,149 --> 00:07:58,839 When you interpret meaning, it makes you mean. 151 00:08:01,370 --> 00:08:03,509 And here's the thing I say to my wife all the time. 152 00:08:03,579 --> 00:08:05,233 She's always trying to understand other people's motives. 153 00:08:05,281 --> 00:08:06,850 I'm like, I don't understand my own motives. 154 00:08:07,009 --> 00:08:09,819 Has anybody ever done something you're like, Why did I do that? 155 00:08:10,750 --> 00:08:12,699 Like, I'm a stranger to myself. 156 00:08:13,629 --> 00:08:18,459 I'm not Inspector Clusseau for everyone else knowing exactly why they did that. 157 00:08:19,970 --> 00:08:24,589 Next, jesus challenges me to talk with a person directly. 158 00:08:25,970 --> 00:08:31,120 It is always easier to talk about someone than to someone. 159 00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:35,033 Years ago, we had a special event at the top of Mount Rubido. 160 00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:39,745 It's the highest kind of central point in Riverside where most of our campuses are. 161 00:08:39,768 --> 00:08:42,706 But if you're watching from somewhere else, you've never heard of that. 162 00:08:42,727 --> 00:08:43,201 But it's okay. 163 00:08:43,255 --> 00:08:43,682 It's important. 164 00:08:43,735 --> 00:08:46,033 Mountain, to us has a cross on top. 165 00:08:46,072 --> 00:08:48,413 And so Christians, we like to go there and gather. 166 00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:50,881 And so we had gathered, and we took up all this kind of parking. 167 00:08:50,946 --> 00:08:56,374 And if you've been at Sandals long, you know we're not great at planning, so we hadn't 168 00:08:50,946 --> 00:08:56,374 planned really well. 169 00:08:56,412 --> 00:08:57,793 For where everybody was going to park. 170 00:08:57,841 --> 00:09:07,461 So we just kind of destroy this community with all of our cars and our wonderful oblivious 171 00:08:57,841 --> 00:09:07,461 Christians as we park in people's driveways and block them from getting out of their 172 00:08:57,841 --> 00:09:07,461 driveway into their driveways. 173 00:09:07,605 --> 00:09:11,802 And we're walking down the mountain and this woman is just ripping Sandals church. 174 00:09:11,946 --> 00:09:13,885 I don't know what their problem is. 175 00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:18,799 If I could just speak to their pastor, I'd give them a piece of my mind. 176 00:09:19,250 --> 00:09:20,830 I said, well, you're in luck. 177 00:09:23,809 --> 00:09:27,700 I was standing right next to her as she was ripping our church, as she was ripping me. 178 00:09:28,389 --> 00:09:30,402 I said, hey, I'm so sorry. 179 00:09:30,456 --> 00:09:32,481 Is there something that I can do to help? 180 00:09:32,535 --> 00:09:33,998 You know, she was offended. 181 00:09:34,094 --> 00:09:36,789 She said that I was listening to her conversation. 182 00:09:39,289 --> 00:09:44,360 I know the conversation that you're having out loud about me to others. 183 00:09:45,529 --> 00:09:47,754 You see, it's so many of us, man. 184 00:09:47,792 --> 00:09:55,740 I mean, we're like braveheart when we're talking about someone, but we become Chicken 185 00:09:47,792 --> 00:09:55,740 Little when we have to talk to someone. 186 00:09:58,909 --> 00:10:02,620 So many people are brave when it's not real. 187 00:10:03,950 --> 00:10:06,313 Jesus says, Listen, these are the words of Jesus. 188 00:10:06,361 --> 00:10:12,121 If another believer sins against you now, I know it says believer, but in the actual Greek 189 00:10:06,361 --> 00:10:12,121 it says brother. 190 00:10:12,186 --> 00:10:13,662 So we can broaden this. 191 00:10:13,716 --> 00:10:15,614 This just doesn't have to be for Christians. 192 00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:19,426 People like you, people in your family, this is just people. 193 00:10:19,528 --> 00:10:25,139 If someone offends you, if someone has hurt you, what does Jesus say? 194 00:10:25,669 --> 00:10:30,759 Send a nasty text message or a well written email. 195 00:10:31,690 --> 00:10:36,919 How about, this is my favorite Christian response, or a passive aggressive social media 196 00:10:31,690 --> 00:10:36,919 post. 197 00:10:38,990 --> 00:10:41,899 Don't you love those that solves the world's problems? 198 00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:42,970 No. 199 00:10:43,039 --> 00:10:43,898 What does he say? 200 00:10:43,984 --> 00:10:45,450 He says, go privately. 201 00:10:46,590 --> 00:10:49,302 This is huge, and point out the offense. 202 00:10:49,365 --> 00:10:51,793 I want those words to resonate in your minds. 203 00:10:51,861 --> 00:10:54,590 Point out the offense. 204 00:10:55,009 --> 00:10:55,662 It's important. 205 00:10:55,716 --> 00:10:56,990 We're going to get to that in a second. 206 00:10:57,139 --> 00:11:01,261 If the other person listens and confesses it, you've won the person back. 207 00:11:01,316 --> 00:11:02,320 Praise God. 208 00:11:02,929 --> 00:11:04,413 But here's the thing I want you to know. 209 00:11:04,451 --> 00:11:06,610 Even Christians have relational conflict. 210 00:11:07,669 --> 00:11:09,394 So many Christians are shocked by this. 211 00:11:09,432 --> 00:11:17,590 They get in the church and, oh my gosh, there's conflict here, and they run away from the 212 00:11:09,432 --> 00:11:17,590 church and listen to me, you have two choices in your Christian walk. 213 00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:20,389 One is isolation, the other is conflict. 214 00:11:21,929 --> 00:11:24,162 Most Christians today choose isolation. 215 00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:28,039 Well, I have a relationship with Jesus all by my little lovely self. 216 00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:31,193 But that's not what he's called you to. 217 00:11:31,392 --> 00:11:33,354 He's called you to a relationship with his people. 218 00:11:33,392 --> 00:11:34,330 But it's difficult. 219 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:37,686 Anytime you have a real relationship, you will have real conflict. 220 00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:39,529 Anytime, anywhere. 221 00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:46,429 That's why when you read through the New Testament over and over and over again, we hear 222 00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:46,429 words like this. 223 00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,302 This is Ephesians four three. 224 00:11:48,436 --> 00:11:57,822 Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves think about 225 00:11:48,436 --> 00:11:57,822 that word, binding yourselves together with peace. 226 00:11:57,885 --> 00:11:59,073 That means, I'm strapped in. 227 00:11:59,111 --> 00:12:00,129 I'm staying. 228 00:12:00,549 --> 00:12:03,453 Now, if you're watching online and there's abuse happening at your church. 229 00:12:03,501 --> 00:12:08,840 I'm not saying you need to stay in an abusive situation, but most Christians run from the 230 00:12:03,501 --> 00:12:08,840 church way too soon. 231 00:12:10,809 --> 00:12:14,101 And what are we going to say to our Lord on Judgment Day? 232 00:12:14,235 --> 00:12:15,985 I got my feelings hurt in the church. 233 00:12:16,018 --> 00:12:17,559 That's why I never went back. 234 00:12:18,250 --> 00:12:19,498 Can I just ask you a question? 235 00:12:19,583 --> 00:12:24,059 You think the cross hurt, but he managed to stay. 236 00:12:26,269 --> 00:12:28,857 Now, I'm not saying you should stay in an abusive situation. 237 00:12:29,024 --> 00:12:31,341 I'm not saying you should stay in an unhealthy situation. 238 00:12:31,475 --> 00:12:35,759 I'm just saying we live in a culture that throws away relationships way too soon. 239 00:12:37,009 --> 00:12:38,240 Way too soon. 240 00:12:40,529 --> 00:12:41,581 And here's the thing. 241 00:12:41,635 --> 00:12:46,529 Many people leave the church and never even tell someone how they've been hurt. 242 00:12:47,750 --> 00:12:58,759 I'm sorry you've been hurt, but if you leave a church without telling someone why you've 243 00:12:47,750 --> 00:12:58,759 sinned, you've sinned because Jesus said, go to the person who hurt you. 244 00:12:59,850 --> 00:13:00,981 Go to the person who hurt you. 245 00:13:01,035 --> 00:13:01,761 But they're scary. 246 00:13:01,826 --> 00:13:03,720 Okay, we'll get to that in a second. 247 00:13:05,370 --> 00:13:08,241 You see, as a Christian, I can have conflict in my marriage. 248 00:13:08,385 --> 00:13:09,740 Anybody been there? 249 00:13:10,429 --> 00:13:13,210 Sometimes my wife and I are listening to this different spirit. 250 00:13:14,269 --> 00:13:16,182 I'm like, I'm not even sure we're the same faith. 251 00:13:16,245 --> 00:13:16,860 Okay? 252 00:13:18,269 --> 00:13:24,350 But we have conflicts, and so many Christians throw away their marriage because of 253 00:13:18,269 --> 00:13:24,350 conflict. 254 00:13:24,690 --> 00:13:30,429 Conflict is an opportunity to bring you together, but most of you see it as something that 255 00:13:24,690 --> 00:13:30,429 needs to drive you apart. 256 00:13:31,490 --> 00:13:33,498 Okay, so I can have conflict in my marriage. 257 00:13:33,594 --> 00:13:34,846 Now, if you have kids, anybody have kids? 258 00:13:34,868 --> 00:13:35,841 Raise your hands if you have kids. 259 00:13:35,895 --> 00:13:37,330 Okay, I want you to listen to me. 260 00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:42,289 Your primary job as a parent is to teach your kids how to manage conflict. 261 00:13:43,750 --> 00:13:45,153 Here's what most parents do. 262 00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:46,653 They protect their kids from conflict. 263 00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:48,230 Oh, my kid got in a fight at school. 264 00:13:48,299 --> 00:13:49,894 They got to go to another school. 265 00:13:50,091 --> 00:13:51,830 Look, there are bullies everywhere. 266 00:13:52,169 --> 00:13:53,985 For some of them, it's their siblings. 267 00:13:54,018 --> 00:13:54,789 Amen. 268 00:13:55,289 --> 00:13:56,870 It's your older brother. 269 00:13:59,309 --> 00:14:02,330 But we need to teach our kids how to manage conflict. 270 00:14:03,149 --> 00:14:13,422 And most of us, as Christian parents, we settle for a forced peace, and we never teach our 271 00:14:03,149 --> 00:14:13,422 kids how to work this out. 272 00:14:13,475 --> 00:14:18,240 And when we work out conflict with our kids, we're not Christian at all. 273 00:14:19,009 --> 00:14:20,269 We're terrible. 274 00:14:21,009 --> 00:14:26,500 So we got to teach them how to do this next with my friends. 275 00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:29,806 Anybody ever lost a friendship? 276 00:14:29,998 --> 00:14:31,059 Oh, man. 277 00:14:32,870 --> 00:14:50,809 I think the hardest part of being your pastor for 27 years is all the relationships I've 278 00:14:32,870 --> 00:14:50,809 lost, people that I've loved, lived with, discipled, poured into, and we had a conflict at 279 00:14:32,870 --> 00:14:50,809 some point or another, and the friendship ended. 280 00:14:51,789 --> 00:14:52,860 It's difficult. 281 00:14:54,509 --> 00:15:00,009 Some of you, unfortunately, at some point in time, will have conflict with sandals, 282 00:14:54,509 --> 00:15:00,009 conflict with your church. 283 00:15:00,830 --> 00:15:02,985 Here's what I've learned about conflict. 284 00:15:03,177 --> 00:15:09,360 The more important the relationship is to me, the harder the conflict is to deal with. 285 00:15:09,730 --> 00:15:12,201 Like, if I don't care about you, I can solve your conflict. 286 00:15:12,265 --> 00:15:12,990 Quit. 287 00:15:13,730 --> 00:15:14,913 You know what you need to do. 288 00:15:14,951 --> 00:15:15,922 You know what I'm saying? 289 00:15:16,056 --> 00:15:26,370 But when it's close to me, when it's something that's important to me my marriage, my 290 00:15:16,056 --> 00:15:26,370 kids, my friends, man, I forget Jesus. 291 00:15:26,870 --> 00:15:28,049 You see, here's what happens. 292 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:34,981 The closer an issue is to my heart, the quicker I forget about the heart of Jesus, and the 293 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:34,981 more focused I am on my own heart. 294 00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:36,070 This hurts. 295 00:15:36,889 --> 00:15:39,754 My wife and I, we've been in marriage counseling for 18 months. 296 00:15:39,871 --> 00:15:40,614 We graduated. 297 00:15:40,662 --> 00:15:41,322 You give a hand. 298 00:15:41,375 --> 00:15:41,898 Thank you. 299 00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:42,860 Thank you. 300 00:15:44,990 --> 00:15:54,309 But our counselor, on the couch, when we would sit and meet, there was a big pillow, big, 301 00:15:44,990 --> 00:15:54,309 gigantic pillow, and it was a feelings chart where you would talk about how you feel. 302 00:15:54,399 --> 00:15:57,145 And Tammy and I were in this fight while we were in counseling. 303 00:15:57,177 --> 00:16:02,350 We were about a year in, and Tammy just screams out, we stuck at the feelings chart. 304 00:16:04,149 --> 00:16:06,289 I'm like, that's why we're in counseling. 305 00:16:07,269 --> 00:16:08,610 But she was right. 306 00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:11,714 Even though we practiced it, we rehearsed it. 307 00:16:11,831 --> 00:16:13,460 Our counselor invited us. 308 00:16:13,990 --> 00:16:16,279 He's all fight in here, I'll help you. 309 00:16:19,610 --> 00:16:27,846 But we had to learn how to express our feelings in a way that honored Christ, because 310 00:16:19,610 --> 00:16:27,846 here's the thing. 311 00:16:27,947 --> 00:16:31,980 We both came from two different families who handled conflict in very different ways. 312 00:16:33,549 --> 00:16:36,374 And so we have to learn how to manage conflict. 313 00:16:36,422 --> 00:16:38,220 Listen to me like Jesus does. 314 00:16:38,909 --> 00:16:39,706 And here's the thing. 315 00:16:39,727 --> 00:16:40,426 I want to hear you. 316 00:16:40,447 --> 00:16:42,701 How did he manage his conflict with you? 317 00:16:42,755 --> 00:16:43,374 Listen to me. 318 00:16:43,412 --> 00:16:45,200 He stayed on the cross for you. 319 00:16:46,529 --> 00:16:52,480 The most beautiful gift you can give to relationships is doing everything you can to stay. 320 00:16:54,049 --> 00:16:55,039 To stay. 321 00:16:55,970 --> 00:16:59,293 There are some of you that are watching this today, and you're contemplating divorce. 322 00:16:59,341 --> 00:17:03,460 The most beautiful gift you can give to your children is to stay and work it out. 323 00:17:05,990 --> 00:17:14,369 One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is showing them what the Bible says 324 00:17:05,990 --> 00:17:14,369 that love never ends. 325 00:17:15,670 --> 00:17:16,913 Now, it may fight all night. 326 00:17:16,951 --> 00:17:17,730 Amen. 327 00:17:18,710 --> 00:17:22,289 It may be really frustrated, but it can hang in there. 328 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:23,758 It can hang in there. 329 00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:31,960 And if you are divorced, it just means that your work is even harder to show your kids how 330 00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:31,960 important it is to be a stable form of love in their life. 331 00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:34,394 So here's the thing. 332 00:17:34,432 --> 00:17:36,933 Jesus says, deal with it directly. 333 00:17:37,061 --> 00:17:39,339 The problem is, we're not very good at that. 334 00:17:39,869 --> 00:17:42,662 So how do I deal with conflict directly? 335 00:17:42,806 --> 00:17:44,394 Here's the thing I've learned. 336 00:17:44,521 --> 00:17:48,349 Any men in here, wait until I'm not angry. 337 00:17:50,289 --> 00:17:52,009 Because here's the thing I've learned. 338 00:17:52,089 --> 00:17:57,519 When I deal with conflict, when I'm angry, I become the issue, and we don't deal with the 339 00:17:52,089 --> 00:17:57,519 issue. 340 00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:04,433 I actually had this issue with some staff members here at South Church where I got angry 341 00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:04,433 at them. 342 00:18:04,471 --> 00:18:11,086 I know it's hard to believe because I'm so much like Jesus, but I was really frustrated. 343 00:18:11,278 --> 00:18:13,057 But here's the thing I've learned. 344 00:18:13,153 --> 00:18:15,185 I'm not a good pastor when I'm angry. 345 00:18:15,298 --> 00:18:17,074 I'm a terrible leader when I'm angry. 346 00:18:17,122 --> 00:18:20,869 I'm a worse husband and parent and friend when I'm angry. 347 00:18:21,690 --> 00:18:32,713 And so even though I think what I had to say was right, I was wrong for how I said it, and 348 00:18:21,690 --> 00:18:32,713 I had to apologize to them, and I had to say, you know what? 349 00:18:32,751 --> 00:18:36,400 I'm really sorry for expressing my anger towards you. 350 00:18:37,970 --> 00:18:40,650 Here's what the Apostle Paul tells a young pastor. 351 00:18:40,809 --> 00:18:45,359 He says, A servant of the Lord must not quarrel, but must be kind to everyone. 352 00:18:45,970 --> 00:18:47,970 But people are so frustrating. 353 00:18:48,470 --> 00:18:54,993 And be patient with what difficult people like. 354 00:18:55,031 --> 00:18:57,059 It's easy to be nice to nice people. 355 00:18:58,309 --> 00:19:02,119 It's difficult to be nice to difficult people. 356 00:19:03,529 --> 00:19:04,453 Here's the next thing. 357 00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:05,698 Approach them respectfully. 358 00:19:05,794 --> 00:19:08,018 This is something we've lost in our society. 359 00:19:08,193 --> 00:19:09,953 We don't respect our parents. 360 00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,617 We don't respect the police. 361 00:19:11,713 --> 00:19:13,233 We don't respect politicians. 362 00:19:13,281 --> 00:19:14,970 We don't respect pastors. 363 00:19:15,470 --> 00:19:17,622 We used to call Pastors Reverence. 364 00:19:17,685 --> 00:19:19,269 Do you hear the word reverence? 365 00:19:19,430 --> 00:19:20,693 We don't anymore. 366 00:19:20,821 --> 00:19:22,501 We've lost that as a culture. 367 00:19:22,566 --> 00:19:28,218 So what that means is, as a Christian, I have to double down on honoring the person I'm 368 00:19:22,566 --> 00:19:28,218 speaking to. 369 00:19:28,384 --> 00:19:39,506 Here's one of the things that I would say to my children when they were disrespectful to 370 00:19:28,384 --> 00:19:39,506 their mother, I would ask them, do you hear me speak to her the way you are now? 371 00:19:39,528 --> 00:19:40,210 Here's the problem. 372 00:19:40,279 --> 00:19:43,170 Some of you, your kids, would say, Well, dad, you speak worse. 373 00:19:45,750 --> 00:19:55,269 Now, that's not to say that I was never frustrated with just I worked very, very hard to 374 00:19:45,750 --> 00:19:55,269 speak respectfully to her when we disagreed. 375 00:19:55,769 --> 00:19:56,178 Here's. 376 00:19:56,193 --> 00:19:56,374 What? 377 00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:57,185 Paul instructs. 378 00:19:57,218 --> 00:20:01,000 Timothy he says, Never speak harshly to an older man. 379 00:20:02,990 --> 00:20:04,201 Now, why would he say that? 380 00:20:04,256 --> 00:20:05,894 Because if you're old, you can be frustrating. 381 00:20:05,942 --> 00:20:06,665 I love you. 382 00:20:06,768 --> 00:20:07,900 I love you. 383 00:20:08,349 --> 00:20:10,009 But you can be a little frustrating. 384 00:20:11,390 --> 00:20:21,258 Never, never speak harshly to an older man, but appeal to him respectfully as you would 385 00:20:11,390 --> 00:20:21,258 your own father. 386 00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:23,200 Now, there's the problem, isn't it? 387 00:20:24,130 --> 00:20:26,930 Some of you are disrespectful to your own father. 388 00:20:29,759 --> 00:20:31,900 You see, we don't honor our parents. 389 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:38,109 And here's the thing, is we're setting a terrible example for our kids. 390 00:20:41,039 --> 00:20:43,576 So wait until you're not angry. 391 00:20:43,607 --> 00:20:47,259 And the problem with anger is it gives you an artificial sense of strength. 392 00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:48,960 That's why you want to deal with it. 393 00:20:49,029 --> 00:20:52,960 It takes real courage to talk about something when you're not angry. 394 00:20:55,240 --> 00:21:00,309 It takes real courage to be respectful even when someone is disrespectful to you. 395 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:01,811 Next. 396 00:21:01,865 --> 00:21:02,771 This is huge. 397 00:21:02,905 --> 00:21:03,779 This is huge. 398 00:21:03,849 --> 00:21:11,336 You don't even have to tithe for this point, but you should when you are fighting and in 399 00:21:03,849 --> 00:21:11,336 conflict with someone you love. 400 00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:12,920 Narrow my topic. 401 00:21:14,220 --> 00:21:15,799 Narrow my topic. 402 00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:18,587 What did Jesus say? 403 00:21:18,753 --> 00:21:24,140 Go to someone, listen to these words and point out the singular offense. 404 00:21:26,079 --> 00:21:33,089 Most of us, when we fight, we will now begin the conflict with the unveiling of all 405 00:21:26,079 --> 00:21:33,089 grievances for all time. 406 00:21:37,619 --> 00:21:40,240 So what we do is we say things like this. 407 00:21:40,309 --> 00:21:44,230 When you said this singular, I felt this. 408 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:48,948 When you did this, I felt this. 409 00:21:49,114 --> 00:21:50,740 Here's what we tend to say. 410 00:21:50,890 --> 00:21:52,630 You always say that. 411 00:21:53,079 --> 00:21:54,816 You always do that. 412 00:21:54,938 --> 00:21:57,736 You never stay away from the words. 413 00:21:57,837 --> 00:21:59,289 Always and never. 414 00:21:59,740 --> 00:22:08,509 Nothing makes a problem bigger than inviting every single problem you've ever had into the 415 00:21:59,740 --> 00:22:08,509 relationship. 416 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:11,163 Talk about that. 417 00:22:11,201 --> 00:22:14,430 Parents, I know your kid has never done a dish in their life. 418 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:17,804 But here's the thing. 419 00:22:18,001 --> 00:22:22,240 You're not going to get them magically to go back in time and do all of the dishes. 420 00:22:22,660 --> 00:22:27,569 You need to say, I expect you to do the dishes, and you did not do them. 421 00:22:28,500 --> 00:22:29,970 You did not do them. 422 00:22:31,779 --> 00:22:32,336 Okay. 423 00:22:32,438 --> 00:22:35,663 When you text your wife, she doesn't respond. 424 00:22:35,711 --> 00:22:37,109 I know that's never happened. 425 00:22:38,759 --> 00:22:42,576 Hey, when I reach out to you, I need you to respond. 426 00:22:42,768 --> 00:22:44,367 I need you to respond. 427 00:22:44,544 --> 00:22:47,559 Anybody got teenagers that don't respond, they ghost their parents. 428 00:22:47,900 --> 00:22:54,759 You're paying for the phone bill, and they can't respond to you because they're super 429 00:22:47,900 --> 00:22:54,759 busy. 430 00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:05,420 When I text you and you don't respond, it makes me feel disrespected. 431 00:23:07,839 --> 00:23:15,170 I need you to respond when I text you, and you just hold there, and you just stare them 432 00:23:07,839 --> 00:23:15,170 down. 433 00:23:16,339 --> 00:23:17,647 That's the thing about a parent. 434 00:23:17,733 --> 00:23:20,640 You get to decide when the meeting ends. 435 00:23:23,559 --> 00:23:27,460 Yes, you have super powers. 436 00:23:28,039 --> 00:23:37,029 You call the meeting, you end the meeting, and you just say, look, here's what I expect. 437 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:38,710 Here's what I expect. 438 00:23:39,660 --> 00:23:42,163 So I want to challenge you, narrow the topic. 439 00:23:42,211 --> 00:23:43,432 And it's so easy. 440 00:23:43,566 --> 00:23:47,491 Anybody ever had a fight and you end up fighting about something you didn't start, about 441 00:23:43,566 --> 00:23:47,491 fighting. 442 00:23:47,556 --> 00:23:48,490 That's fun. 443 00:23:49,660 --> 00:23:54,829 One time, Tammy and I had a fight where in the middle of it, I just screamed out, I don't 444 00:23:49,660 --> 00:23:54,829 even know what we're fighting about. 445 00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:06,609 Like, we just hit every know, let's just put a tsunami wave of grievances on the table, 446 00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:06,609 because that'll help. 447 00:24:08,099 --> 00:24:09,248 And here's the thing. 448 00:24:09,334 --> 00:24:11,920 Just be honest about how bad you are at conflict. 449 00:24:12,420 --> 00:24:14,051 Do we need to add more to this? 450 00:24:14,105 --> 00:24:14,660 No. 451 00:24:14,809 --> 00:24:21,990 And the reason there's a tsunami of issues is because you're bad at conflict, and you 452 00:24:14,809 --> 00:24:21,990 haven't dealt with those things. 453 00:24:22,359 --> 00:24:23,910 You haven't dealt with them. 454 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:25,875 And let me say this. 455 00:24:25,897 --> 00:24:28,839 If you're feeling guilty and terrible, don't. 456 00:24:29,579 --> 00:24:33,049 It's okay just to say, hey, I didn't learn this in my home. 457 00:24:34,220 --> 00:24:40,750 One time, Tammy and I, we were in a heated discussion, and I just said, I don't know what 458 00:24:34,220 --> 00:24:40,750 I'm doing. 459 00:24:41,599 --> 00:24:43,319 I don't know how to be a husband. 460 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:44,839 I don't know how to be a father. 461 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:47,150 I've never been here before. 462 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:53,470 And we're fighting about expectations that you have from something I've never done. 463 00:24:55,940 --> 00:24:58,895 And just be honest about how new you are to this. 464 00:24:58,917 --> 00:25:01,152 And for some of you, that's conflict, I don't know what I'm doing. 465 00:25:01,205 --> 00:25:03,759 So give a lot of grace for mistakes. 466 00:25:05,799 --> 00:25:08,435 Can you imagine you put roller skates on somebody for the first time? 467 00:25:08,458 --> 00:25:10,259 You're like, Come on, you moron. 468 00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:13,824 They got, like, three broken arms. 469 00:25:13,951 --> 00:25:16,259 They only have two arms, but three broken arms. 470 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:18,950 You're screaming at them. 471 00:25:20,279 --> 00:25:25,480 But some of us look like a giraffe on roller skates when we're trying to navigate 472 00:25:20,279 --> 00:25:25,480 conflict. 473 00:25:26,140 --> 00:25:28,824 And you're all legs and a small head with a small brain. 474 00:25:28,872 --> 00:25:29,579 Amen. 475 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:32,509 And you don't understand what you're doing. 476 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:37,500 That's why Jesus's teaching on conflict is three verses. 477 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:40,509 He knows how bad we are at it. 478 00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:45,791 Go to them directly, talk to them, and then we're going to get to the other things. 479 00:25:45,846 --> 00:25:46,160 Next. 480 00:25:46,230 --> 00:25:47,279 Listen intently. 481 00:25:48,420 --> 00:25:52,369 I try to argue like I'm right, but I listen like I could be wrong. 482 00:25:55,130 --> 00:25:58,680 I know this is hard for you to believe, but occasionally I'm wrong. 483 00:26:00,490 --> 00:26:02,069 I know, shocker. 484 00:26:03,769 --> 00:26:04,854 It's okay to be wrong. 485 00:26:04,892 --> 00:26:05,720 You're human. 486 00:26:06,730 --> 00:26:08,599 Just say I misunderstood you. 487 00:26:10,009 --> 00:26:11,034 I've actually said this. 488 00:26:11,071 --> 00:26:12,309 My wife and I have been in an argument. 489 00:26:12,390 --> 00:26:14,362 She repeats back to me what I said. 490 00:26:14,415 --> 00:26:15,849 I've said I said that. 491 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:16,665 She's like, yeah. 492 00:26:16,688 --> 00:26:18,089 I'm like, that was terrible. 493 00:26:18,509 --> 00:26:19,609 It was terrible. 494 00:26:21,009 --> 00:26:29,039 And just literally make sure that you're listening, because some of us fight and all we 495 00:26:21,009 --> 00:26:29,039 want to do is be heard. 496 00:26:29,650 --> 00:26:33,230 And some of you grew up in homes where everyone is shouting. 497 00:26:33,809 --> 00:26:35,230 Everyone is shouting. 498 00:26:35,990 --> 00:26:40,958 Remember a couple of years ago, I was at a family event, and my family, we're big talkers, 499 00:26:35,990 --> 00:26:40,958 everybody's loud. 500 00:26:41,054 --> 00:26:45,801 And we were at a barbecue where someone who was not in the family was hosting the 501 00:26:41,054 --> 00:26:45,801 barbecue. 502 00:26:45,885 --> 00:26:52,200 And he's literally flipping burgers, and he's looking at our family and he's like, do you 503 00:26:45,885 --> 00:26:52,200 guys always just yell at each other? 504 00:26:54,809 --> 00:26:56,097 And my family just kept yelling. 505 00:26:56,114 --> 00:26:57,306 He goes, you're doing it again. 506 00:26:57,407 --> 00:26:58,602 He's all, you're doing it. 507 00:26:58,655 --> 00:26:59,609 You're doing it. 508 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:00,682 Stop doing that. 509 00:27:00,736 --> 00:27:02,460 He's like, I don't want to be here. 510 00:27:06,109 --> 00:27:07,301 Can you imagine? 511 00:27:07,445 --> 00:27:08,986 Like, we're at his house and he's feeding us. 512 00:27:09,008 --> 00:27:09,933 What are we going to do? 513 00:27:10,051 --> 00:27:11,614 But he just called us out. 514 00:27:11,731 --> 00:27:15,839 He's like, you guys need to stop arguing and over talking each other. 515 00:27:16,769 --> 00:27:17,566 Wow. 516 00:27:17,748 --> 00:27:21,759 He had more wisdom in conflict than we did. 517 00:27:22,789 --> 00:27:23,201 Next. 518 00:27:23,256 --> 00:27:24,306 This is huge. 519 00:27:24,488 --> 00:27:27,220 Give them the same grace you need. 520 00:27:29,829 --> 00:27:33,794 There's a reason in the Lord's Prayer that we're supposed to pray every day. 521 00:27:33,912 --> 00:27:35,794 Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. 522 00:27:35,832 --> 00:27:38,529 Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. 523 00:27:38,609 --> 00:27:48,460 Give us this day our daily bread and listen and forgive us of our debts as we forgive 524 00:27:38,609 --> 00:27:48,460 those who have debts against us. 525 00:27:50,190 --> 00:27:53,740 Give them the same grace I need. 526 00:27:58,569 --> 00:28:04,498 What if when someone offends you, you treated them the way you wish a police officer 527 00:27:58,569 --> 00:28:04,498 treated you? 528 00:28:04,523 --> 00:28:08,026 When you get pulled over for a speeding, wouldn't that be great? 529 00:28:08,048 --> 00:28:09,753 If the officer was like, I do it all the time. 530 00:28:09,791 --> 00:28:11,019 Don't worry about it. 531 00:28:11,549 --> 00:28:12,859 It's on me. 532 00:28:15,630 --> 00:28:18,425 But some of you, you're not a husband. 533 00:28:18,458 --> 00:28:19,066 You're not a wife. 534 00:28:19,097 --> 00:28:22,430 You're a cop in your relationship, and you're just handing out tickets. 535 00:28:23,250 --> 00:28:26,526 And that's why your kids don't want to be around you. 536 00:28:26,708 --> 00:28:30,099 That's why your friends don't want to be around you. 537 00:28:31,190 --> 00:28:33,054 God hasn't called you to be a referee. 538 00:28:33,102 --> 00:28:38,077 He's called you to be in a relationship when two teams are playing, you know who everybody 539 00:28:33,102 --> 00:28:38,077 hates? 540 00:28:38,253 --> 00:28:39,299 The ref. 541 00:28:40,549 --> 00:28:41,460 The ref. 542 00:28:42,150 --> 00:28:48,134 And you need to learn to give grace, the same grace you need. 543 00:28:48,332 --> 00:28:53,153 So people are going to say the wrong things, they're going to do the wrong things, they're 544 00:28:48,332 --> 00:28:53,153 going to speak incorrectly. 545 00:28:53,201 --> 00:28:53,910 It's going to happen. 546 00:28:53,980 --> 00:28:59,834 I have done it so many times, you would think all the conflict I've had, I would be 547 00:28:53,980 --> 00:28:59,834 awesome at it. 548 00:28:59,951 --> 00:29:01,819 But I still struggle with it. 549 00:29:02,190 --> 00:29:03,673 I still struggle with it. 550 00:29:03,791 --> 00:29:05,500 And next, this one is huge. 551 00:29:06,109 --> 00:29:07,579 Celebrate the win. 552 00:29:08,670 --> 00:29:20,013 You know, most of you in here, you have a long list of all these broken relationships and 553 00:29:08,670 --> 00:29:20,013 grievances, and you don't have any trophies in your house for the relationships that you 554 00:29:08,670 --> 00:29:20,013 won and the conflicts you worked through. 555 00:29:20,132 --> 00:29:20,605 You know what? 556 00:29:20,627 --> 00:29:26,162 I would encourage you as a married couple, get a trophy room for all the fights you 557 00:29:20,627 --> 00:29:26,162 settled and just have people over. 558 00:29:26,215 --> 00:29:27,602 Here's our trophy room. 559 00:29:27,736 --> 00:29:35,029 And we don't have a trophy yet, but one day we're going to put a trophy in here where we 560 00:29:27,736 --> 00:29:35,029 handled a conflict like Jesus. 561 00:29:38,490 --> 00:29:39,905 We don't celebrate the wins. 562 00:29:39,938 --> 00:29:41,990 What we do is we mourn the losses. 563 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:46,115 Here's what I want you to do. 564 00:29:46,137 --> 00:29:50,951 If you're a married couple and you actually work it out, go out to dinner and celebrate 565 00:29:46,137 --> 00:29:50,951 it. 566 00:29:51,086 --> 00:29:51,652 Woohoo. 567 00:29:51,715 --> 00:29:52,740 What are you celebrating? 568 00:29:52,819 --> 00:29:54,650 We had a fight and we fixed it. 569 00:29:55,579 --> 00:29:58,670 You know, when you go out to dinner, they're always asking you, are you celebrating 570 00:29:55,579 --> 00:29:58,670 something? 571 00:29:59,359 --> 00:30:01,496 28 years of never resolving a conflict. 572 00:30:01,528 --> 00:30:02,619 That's why we're here. 573 00:30:02,769 --> 00:30:06,364 It's our anniversary, man. 574 00:30:06,402 --> 00:30:08,336 You had a fight about the laundry and you fixed it. 575 00:30:08,357 --> 00:30:11,089 You settled it, you handled it. 576 00:30:13,460 --> 00:30:16,544 Buy yourself a trophy, man. 577 00:30:16,662 --> 00:30:20,203 You talked with your kids and they took the trash out all the way to the street. 578 00:30:20,251 --> 00:30:21,519 That's ice cream. 579 00:30:21,940 --> 00:30:23,279 Let's celebrate. 580 00:30:23,619 --> 00:30:24,647 Let's celebrate ice. 581 00:30:24,683 --> 00:30:26,259 Everybody loves ice cream. 582 00:30:28,039 --> 00:30:29,670 Let's celebrate it. 583 00:30:30,119 --> 00:30:36,250 When you actually feel heard by your oh, thank you. 584 00:30:37,019 --> 00:30:39,450 I can almost see Jesus in you. 585 00:30:41,660 --> 00:30:43,769 Listen to what Jesus says. 586 00:30:44,380 --> 00:30:51,230 If the person listens and confesses, it, you have won that person back. 587 00:30:55,089 --> 00:30:59,630 When's the last time you celebrated working through a conflict? 588 00:31:00,609 --> 00:31:02,594 Tammy and I, we've had lots of friends. 589 00:31:02,632 --> 00:31:03,405 We've been at this church. 590 00:31:03,438 --> 00:31:06,369 I mean, we're pushing 30 years at this church. 591 00:31:07,269 --> 00:31:09,569 Yeah, a lot of friends, a lot of conflict. 592 00:31:10,470 --> 00:31:14,420 But we lost a friendship for a period of years, and it was really, really difficult. 593 00:31:16,710 --> 00:31:18,614 I felt like I did some things that were wrong. 594 00:31:18,652 --> 00:31:22,213 I feel like they did some things that were wrong and we just couldn't solve it. 595 00:31:22,332 --> 00:31:25,190 Isn't that sad when Christians can't give grace? 596 00:31:26,809 --> 00:31:33,114 And they sent us a card, and my wife and I were in the kitchen and I saw the card. 597 00:31:33,152 --> 00:31:39,119 I held the card up to her and I said, all they have to do to fix this is say, I'm sorry. 598 00:31:40,369 --> 00:31:41,501 I opened the card. 599 00:31:41,556 --> 00:31:42,720 Guess what it said? 600 00:31:43,089 --> 00:31:44,077 Said, we're sorry. 601 00:31:44,163 --> 00:31:46,000 Come on, come on. 602 00:31:46,369 --> 00:31:46,733 And. 603 00:31:46,771 --> 00:31:50,900 The Lord has blessed that friendship, blessed that relationship. 604 00:31:51,269 --> 00:31:53,665 God has been so good to us. 605 00:31:53,847 --> 00:31:58,420 We get to hang out again, enjoy each other again, celebrate each other again. 606 00:31:59,109 --> 00:32:00,579 And here's the thing. 607 00:32:01,990 --> 00:32:08,279 I want you to have that experience where the Lord can bring something that was broken back 608 00:32:01,990 --> 00:32:08,279 together. 609 00:32:08,650 --> 00:32:11,480 It's a beautiful, beautiful thing. 610 00:32:12,089 --> 00:32:13,602 Celebrate the wins. 611 00:32:13,746 --> 00:32:15,650 Celebrate it, man. 612 00:32:15,740 --> 00:32:17,769 With your kids, with your family, with your friends. 613 00:32:17,839 --> 00:32:19,018 Just celebrate it. 614 00:32:19,104 --> 00:32:22,650 Because here's why there will be more losses than wins in conflict. 615 00:32:25,259 --> 00:32:27,210 Why is conflict so hard? 616 00:32:28,220 --> 00:32:32,990 Because it involves challenging someone to change. 617 00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:36,935 I'm fascinated by Albert Einstein for many reasons. 618 00:32:36,968 --> 00:32:37,943 One is I love his hair. 619 00:32:37,991 --> 00:32:43,675 Anybody else but that guy says some things that just blow me away. 620 00:32:43,698 --> 00:32:48,736 And I'm not talking about the scientific things he said, but one of the things that stuck 621 00:32:43,698 --> 00:32:48,736 with me for years is this. 622 00:32:48,837 --> 00:32:54,210 He says, a person's intelligence can be measured by their ability to change. 623 00:32:57,240 --> 00:33:00,403 That's what I am, staying exactly the same way. 624 00:33:00,602 --> 00:33:02,259 Changing is a miracle. 625 00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:04,112 Changing. 626 00:33:04,175 --> 00:33:05,203 Oh, I hear what you're saying. 627 00:33:05,241 --> 00:33:05,811 I'm going to change. 628 00:33:05,865 --> 00:33:06,950 I'm going to be better. 629 00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:08,711 I'm going to make a difference. 630 00:33:08,846 --> 00:33:18,895 So we got to celebrate those and understand that when we confront somebody and when we 631 00:33:08,846 --> 00:33:18,895 challenge them, if they change, it is a miracle. 632 00:33:19,028 --> 00:33:24,190 Just like God removing cancer, we got to celebrate that. 633 00:33:24,799 --> 00:33:29,480 Because most people, when they're challenged, hey, I believe this is sin. 634 00:33:29,559 --> 00:33:31,150 It doesn't work out well. 635 00:33:31,779 --> 00:33:32,960 It just doesn't. 636 00:33:33,619 --> 00:33:39,730 Most people are not mature enough, smart enough, or able enough to change. 637 00:33:41,299 --> 00:33:42,096 That's why C. 638 00:33:42,117 --> 00:33:42,256 S. 639 00:33:42,278 --> 00:33:46,630 Lewis said he believes that the gates of hell are locked from the inside. 640 00:33:47,799 --> 00:33:49,188 They couldn't do it. 641 00:33:49,354 --> 00:33:50,869 They couldn't make the change. 642 00:33:52,039 --> 00:33:52,980 So here's the thing. 643 00:33:53,049 --> 00:33:55,903 So what happens if you go to them, you talk to them, it gets worse. 644 00:33:55,951 --> 00:33:56,832 It's not resolved. 645 00:33:56,895 --> 00:34:00,432 Jesus teaches me to get outside help for unresolved conflict. 646 00:34:00,496 --> 00:34:01,256 Can I just say this? 647 00:34:01,278 --> 00:34:05,768 If you're married and you've been fighting over the same issue for years, you're not going 648 00:34:01,278 --> 00:34:05,768 to solve it. 649 00:34:05,933 --> 00:34:08,628 If you two could solve it, it would be fixed. 650 00:34:08,724 --> 00:34:11,900 Sometimes we need outside advice. 651 00:34:12,239 --> 00:34:14,027 So Jesus says, go to the person. 652 00:34:14,114 --> 00:34:15,692 If that doesn't work, listen to this. 653 00:34:15,746 --> 00:34:25,920 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along so that every matter may be 654 00:34:15,746 --> 00:34:25,920 established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. 655 00:34:27,460 --> 00:34:31,135 Sometimes you think you're saying something you're not saying. 656 00:34:31,237 --> 00:34:34,588 Sometimes you think you're hearing something you're not hearing. 657 00:34:34,764 --> 00:34:39,829 One time, my wife and I, because we're super special, got in a big old fight right in 658 00:34:34,764 --> 00:34:39,829 front of our son. 659 00:34:40,519 --> 00:34:42,483 And my wife said, you said. 660 00:34:42,601 --> 00:34:43,556 And I just looked at my son. 661 00:34:43,577 --> 00:34:44,947 I was like, Is that what I said? 662 00:34:45,034 --> 00:34:46,307 And praise God for his ears. 663 00:34:46,324 --> 00:34:48,329 He's like, no, Father, that's not what you said. 664 00:34:54,780 --> 00:34:56,889 But it's what my wife heard. 665 00:34:57,659 --> 00:35:01,068 And had we not had a third party president, I got to be honest with you. 666 00:35:01,074 --> 00:35:01,735 I was so upset. 667 00:35:01,768 --> 00:35:03,949 I wasn't super clear on what I said. 668 00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:07,019 Sometimes I just I'm spitballing. 669 00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:12,860 So it's so awesome to sit down and let me say this. 670 00:35:12,929 --> 00:35:15,175 If you care about your marriage, pay for counseling. 671 00:35:15,288 --> 00:35:16,190 That's right. 672 00:35:16,719 --> 00:35:19,643 If you're a parent today and you want to bless your kids, pay for counseling. 673 00:35:19,692 --> 00:35:20,896 That's what I do with my kids, man. 674 00:35:20,918 --> 00:35:22,688 If my kids want to go to counseling, I help. 675 00:35:22,773 --> 00:35:24,159 I finance that. 676 00:35:24,309 --> 00:35:25,503 I know who their dad was. 677 00:35:25,541 --> 00:35:27,190 I know what their issues are. 678 00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:29,204 And here's the thing. 679 00:35:29,242 --> 00:35:33,510 Some of you parents, you're so concerned that they're going to talk about the things you 680 00:35:29,242 --> 00:35:33,510 did wrong. 681 00:35:34,119 --> 00:35:37,130 Every parent does things wrong. 682 00:35:37,820 --> 00:35:39,208 And do you know why that is? 683 00:35:39,293 --> 00:35:40,730 We didn't know what we're doing. 684 00:35:41,579 --> 00:35:45,960 I tell my oldest daughter, I said, you're the first baby I ever held. 685 00:35:48,059 --> 00:35:49,436 The nurse just gave her to me. 686 00:35:49,458 --> 00:35:51,070 Tammy's sleeping, needed a break. 687 00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:58,750 I was terrified of holding this little thing. 688 00:35:59,679 --> 00:36:04,592 I loved her, and I was terrified by her men. 689 00:36:04,646 --> 00:36:07,119 I don't think there's anything scarier than an infant. 690 00:36:10,980 --> 00:36:13,679 So I challenge my kids, go to counseling, and it's okay. 691 00:36:13,750 --> 00:36:15,427 I did things that were wrong. 692 00:36:15,594 --> 00:36:17,139 I made mistakes. 693 00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:22,389 And if you don't think you've made mistakes as a parent, you're not an honest parent. 694 00:36:26,230 --> 00:36:28,179 Next, go to a trusted friend. 695 00:36:29,670 --> 00:36:33,960 Ideally, someone that loves you and the person that you're upset with. 696 00:36:34,650 --> 00:36:37,606 One time, Tammy and I, and I know you're like, gosh, you guys must fight a lot. 697 00:36:37,628 --> 00:36:38,949 It's because we're passionate. 698 00:36:41,130 --> 00:36:43,173 We were locked in, and it was the middle of the night. 699 00:36:43,211 --> 00:36:43,813 You know what I did? 700 00:36:43,851 --> 00:36:46,940 I said, we're going to go over to some friends in our small group. 701 00:36:47,550 --> 00:36:49,114 And my wife said, I don't want to go. 702 00:36:49,152 --> 00:36:50,393 I said, I don't care. 703 00:36:50,592 --> 00:36:54,320 We're going because we can't figure this out. 704 00:36:55,489 --> 00:36:58,159 And to her credit, she was mad at me, but she went. 705 00:36:58,690 --> 00:36:59,679 She went. 706 00:37:01,809 --> 00:37:03,119 And here's the thing. 707 00:37:03,650 --> 00:37:09,539 Some of you are more concerned about being embarrassed than you are about being right with 708 00:37:03,650 --> 00:37:09,539 the person that you love. 709 00:37:11,429 --> 00:37:12,994 Go to a trusted friend. 710 00:37:13,192 --> 00:37:15,699 We have this thing at Sandals Church called Soul Care. 711 00:37:16,070 --> 00:37:21,601 You can come at any campus, and there are people in our church that are trained to listen 712 00:37:16,070 --> 00:37:21,601 and will care for you. 713 00:37:21,735 --> 00:37:23,153 We have ministers in this church. 714 00:37:23,202 --> 00:37:25,202 We have marriage mentors in this church. 715 00:37:25,346 --> 00:37:28,929 We have discipleship, group leaders for our teenagers at this church. 716 00:37:29,010 --> 00:37:37,820 We have so many amazing this church has thousands upon thousands of people who love Jesus 717 00:37:29,010 --> 00:37:37,820 and will love you and will help you, and they don't even charge you. 718 00:37:38,909 --> 00:37:44,438 I wish I could charge you because I'd make some money, but it's free. 719 00:37:44,623 --> 00:37:45,679 It's free. 720 00:37:46,050 --> 00:37:52,079 That's the beauty of the church, is we have people who love us and come alongside us. 721 00:37:52,929 --> 00:37:59,380 I remember years ago, I was doing some marriage counseling with a couple, and the husband 722 00:37:52,929 --> 00:37:59,380 said, I want to know whose side you're on. 723 00:38:01,190 --> 00:38:03,202 I said because I'm on God's side. 724 00:38:03,255 --> 00:38:04,353 I'm on the marriage side. 725 00:38:04,391 --> 00:38:07,300 And as far as I can tell, neither of you are on that side. 726 00:38:10,699 --> 00:38:14,730 You see, that's the church's job, to be on the marriage's side. 727 00:38:16,139 --> 00:38:17,304 But here's the thing. 728 00:38:17,422 --> 00:38:19,639 Unfortunately, we live in a broken world. 729 00:38:19,789 --> 00:38:21,369 We deal with broken people. 730 00:38:21,739 --> 00:38:23,512 Sometimes we go to them, it doesn't work. 731 00:38:23,565 --> 00:38:26,108 Sometimes we involve others, and it doesn't work. 732 00:38:26,193 --> 00:38:28,219 Here's the beautiful thing about Jesus. 733 00:38:28,559 --> 00:38:31,739 Jesus allows me to create relational boundaries. 734 00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:33,963 Listen to what he says. 735 00:38:34,001 --> 00:38:35,063 This is the teaching of Jesus. 736 00:38:35,112 --> 00:38:38,012 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church. 737 00:38:38,155 --> 00:38:44,960 And if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would as a pagan or a 738 00:38:38,155 --> 00:38:44,960 tax collector. 739 00:38:47,300 --> 00:38:56,019 There are some people in this world that are so toxic, so broken, that the best thing you 740 00:38:47,300 --> 00:38:56,019 can do for them and yourself is to create a boundary. 741 00:38:57,320 --> 00:38:58,884 And I know that's hard. 742 00:38:59,081 --> 00:39:00,579 I know that hurts. 743 00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:08,692 But I can tell you, as your pastor, one of the things I did the most poorly the first 20 744 00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:08,692 years was create boundaries. 745 00:39:08,835 --> 00:39:15,115 Some of us as Christians, we just keep getting in the cage with a gorilla and crying out 746 00:39:08,835 --> 00:39:15,115 to God, why we keep getting beat up. 747 00:39:15,137 --> 00:39:17,340 And he's like, Because you're in the cage with a gorilla. 748 00:39:19,280 --> 00:39:20,619 Get out of the cage. 749 00:39:21,519 --> 00:39:22,744 Get out of the cage. 750 00:39:22,871 --> 00:39:23,851 You've all heard this. 751 00:39:23,905 --> 00:39:24,492 Hurt people. 752 00:39:24,545 --> 00:39:25,112 What? 753 00:39:25,266 --> 00:39:26,289 Hurt people? 754 00:39:27,780 --> 00:39:40,340 It's okay to establish a boundary, especially if we're talking about abuse, especially if 755 00:39:27,780 --> 00:39:40,340 we're talking about criminal behavior. 756 00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:52,150 Sometimes, as Christians, we're more broken than the world by telling people to get back 757 00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:52,150 into the cage with the gorilla in Jesus name. 758 00:39:55,980 --> 00:39:57,896 Jesus didn't come to Earth to punish us. 759 00:39:57,918 --> 00:39:59,769 He came to heal us and to save us. 760 00:40:01,099 --> 00:40:02,969 All right, we're going to close with this. 761 00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:06,989 Jesus inspires me to keep praying for that person. 762 00:40:09,039 --> 00:40:12,909 You don't have to be in a cage, but you do need to pray for them. 763 00:40:13,679 --> 00:40:14,923 Listen to what Jesus said. 764 00:40:14,961 --> 00:40:20,239 You have heard the law that it says love your neighbor and hate your enemy. 765 00:40:21,300 --> 00:40:23,260 But I say love your enemies. 766 00:40:23,420 --> 00:40:27,570 Listen to this and pray for those who persecute you. 767 00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:29,635 This is so huge. 768 00:40:29,818 --> 00:40:36,099 In that way, you will be acting as a true child of your Father who's in heaven. 769 00:40:36,599 --> 00:40:38,230 Do you know what this world needs? 770 00:40:38,599 --> 00:40:42,920 More true children of their Father who's in heaven. 771 00:40:43,739 --> 00:40:52,980 I want you to imagine if your children started watching you act like a true child of your 772 00:40:43,739 --> 00:40:52,980 Father in heaven. 773 00:40:53,139 --> 00:40:59,980 I want you to think about your spouse's reaction if you started acting like a true child 774 00:40:53,139 --> 00:40:59,980 of heaven. 775 00:41:00,639 --> 00:41:05,840 I want you to think about this friendship that's broken if you started acting like a true 776 00:41:00,639 --> 00:41:05,840 child of heaven. 777 00:41:06,579 --> 00:41:11,452 Do you know what happens when you act like your Father who's in heaven? 778 00:41:11,596 --> 00:41:15,650 It brings heaven down to earth and in your life. 779 00:41:17,480 --> 00:41:19,110 So I want to challenge you. 780 00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:26,579 Who's wounded you, who's hurt, who's said things about you, who's done things to you. 781 00:41:26,730 --> 00:41:30,150 Let's pray for them right now in Jesus name. 782 00:41:30,460 --> 00:41:36,119 And let's bring a little more heaven onto earth to bless our lives. 783 00:41:36,269 --> 00:41:40,489 So let's bow our heads, let's close our eyes and let's pray right now. 784 00:41:41,739 --> 00:41:48,750 Heavenly Father, you know every person, Lord, that's hurt us, that's wounded us, that's 785 00:41:41,739 --> 00:41:48,750 done things to us. 786 00:41:49,360 --> 00:41:58,800 Unfortunately, Lord, many of those people are Christians, some are pastors, some are 787 00:41:49,360 --> 00:41:58,800 family members, some are ex husbands and ex wives. 788 00:41:59,860 --> 00:42:02,704 For some of us, it's our parents or our children. 789 00:42:02,902 --> 00:42:05,824 And Lord, this is the most painful area of our life. 790 00:42:06,021 --> 00:42:11,835 And so we just ask for a little more heaven into our heart that's experiencing hell on 791 00:42:06,021 --> 00:42:11,835 earth. 792 00:42:12,027 --> 00:42:15,503 And we invite You, Lord Jesus right now to help us. 793 00:42:15,541 --> 00:42:17,692 Pray for them, Holy Spirit. 794 00:42:17,755 --> 00:42:27,000 Would you change them, speak to them it and lead them to repentance, Lord, so that they 795 00:42:17,755 --> 00:42:27,000 might experience the grace and the love that I've received. 796 00:42:27,980 --> 00:42:30,503 Lord, bless them in the way that you've blessed me. 797 00:42:30,621 --> 00:42:32,920 Help them, Lord, in the way you've helped me. 798 00:42:32,989 --> 00:42:35,320 I pray this in Jesus holy name. 799 00:42:35,469 --> 00:42:36,179 Amen.