Hey, everyone.
It's your Palbo here.
So I have not been able to regularly record for a while, because your old Palbo was finishing a degree, and then getting a license to teach, and then teaching.
And it took a while for all that to happen, and my recording schedule has been crazy as a result.
But all that is kind of done now, and I got my feet under me, and so I can get back to a somewhat normal recording schedule.
And I thought, what better way to kick that all off than with a little project that I've had in mind for a while.
And it's something I've wanted to do ever since I kind of stopped doing the Ouija experiment experiment, because I like science.
And I think a lot of the people who listen to this show, I think a lot of you are also fans of science.
Otherwise, why would you be here?
The Dark Parade is a science-based podcast, always has been, always will be.
So what I'm going to do is I'm going to rank on a monthly basis every horror movie that has ever been made in the history of mankind.
Now, obviously we can't do that all at once.
So we are going to do this a little bit at a time.
And to introduce how this is going to work, I want to introduce you to our friend, The List.
This is The List.
Right now, totally empty.
There is nothing on there, but we're going to change that.
I've got a selection of 10 films that we are going to rank tonight.
And then we will continue to do so in the future.
On a monthly basis.
Some of these, hey, I've talked about on other shows, but so be it.
Um.
Oh, no.
Okay, there we go.
So you should have audio now.
Sorry about that.
Yeah, okay.
All right, I can fix that.
I can fix that.
My dad's got a monster set of tools.
Anyway, so how it's gonna work, you saw the list, even though the audio cut out when I went to the list, therein lies our problem.
So the list is empty for now, but we are going to fill it with 10 films tonight.
Now when we end the show this evening, we will have the best horror movie that has ever been made along with the worst horror film that has ever been conceived, and then eight films in between.
Now the full list will grow month by month, and as I record podcasts and watch stuff, and also, not for nothing, recommend some.
If you want to recommend a film to be ranked, scientifically, then by all means, let's do it.
So drop me a message on the Facebook, and then there we go.
The Ray Man is here, it's official.
This is now a real show.
Okay, and then as far as the distribution of the show, just a quick note about that.
The video will be live when I record it, and then it will be archived exclusively on the Legion Patreon, because God knows, the good people running the network these days deserve it.
And the audio will be free, of course, on the channel.
So there you have it.
Well, without further ado, I guess we should get to work.
Let's start listing stuff.
That also means I'm going to have to do a little bit of fanciness to get the microphone on this also.
Okay, let's see if this works.
Ah, there we go.
That seems to work.
Let's start with near dark.
What do you say?
How about that for the first thing to do?
We talked about this recently on Heart of Horror, The Near Dark, directed by Catherine Bigelow.
Maybe, all right, again, we got to approach this with science.
Now, obviously, obviously with this being the first movie, this will simultaneously be the best and worst movie that has ever been made.
Only for a moment, but for an instant.
Let's appreciate for just a second, let's appreciate the philosophical conundrum that for just a moment in time, Near Dark will be both the best movie that has ever been made and the worst.
A very Schrodinger's film sort of situation.
Okay, but let's talk about Near Dark.
We're here to do some science.
Enough screwing around.
It's a vampire movie, as Lee points out.
1980s vampire movie.
What is more horrific than a vampire?
I mean, right off the bat, Near Dark comes out strong, okay, from a scientific point of view.
It's stylish as all hell.
That is one stylish film.
Catherine Bigelow directs the ever living shit out of that movie.
So it's really well directed, very stylish, great soundtrack, just a great look.
It's such a vibe kind of movie, you know?
It's a movie that you kind of kick back and just let wash over you.
And then let's talk about your Lance Henriksen and your Jeanette Goldstein and how great they are in the movie.
And then, ladies and gentlemen, and then let's talk about Bill Paxton, who runs away with this movie.
The scene in the bar and him just doing his whole shit kicker thing.
Lee points out it's not a typical sexy vampire.
It's very punk rock and cowboy.
It does have this almost rockabilly kind of vibe, and it's nomadic, and it's on the road.
It almost feels like a precursor to, and I think we talked about this on Heart of Horror, that it's almost like the True Knot from the Stephen King Shining sequel, Doctor Sleep.
It has that kind of vibe to it of just some vampires running around doing vampire ass shit in the desert, in the Southwest, and just looking cool, wearing dusters and killing folk, being awesome.
That's what it comes down to, just being awesome.
Yeah, Joseph points out Pete Bill Paxton.
Absolutely Pete Bill Paxton.
I mean, you can't take your eyes off of him in the movie.
He's just a star, and he's having such a good time.
He's having so much fun with that role.
So scientifically, we've got a really strong cast in the supporting roles, which is good to see.
But then we run into problems.
Okay, look, no experiment, hardly any experiment rather, is a pure success.
The problem with Near Dark is that the leads are awful.
And it kind of sucks that so much of the movie, you're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, but what's Lance Henriksen doing right now?
I almost want to spend more time with Homer, the little kid vampire, which let's be honest, I don't really want to spend that much time with Homer, but I would rather be with Homer than with the leads.
And you've got Tim Tomerson.
Tim Tomerson is bouncing around this movie as the dad and doesn't do shit.
Tim Tomerson's amazing.
He's doll man for God's sakes.
Ladies and gentlemen, he's doll man.
And we have him relegated to this father role doing nothing?
Ugh.
Anyway.
That is rough.
Trancers.
His name is Jack Death.
His name is Jack Death and he wears an awesome overcoat.
And Helen Hunt is inexplicably in that movie.
Trancers.
A movie that eventually will have to be judged.
We'll have to take it on its merits scientifically.
Like I've got a warm spot in my heart for it, but science is what we are pursuing here.
But yes, Trancers is one we should talk about.
What a terrific movie.
I remember that being.
Okay, so yeah, yes, yes.
Also follow up, Joseph points out, there's like five Trancers movies at least.
I think there might be a secret Christmas special in there somewhere too.
All right, so Near Dark, a bit of a mixed bag is the thing.
But right now, scientifically speaking, the, you know, here we are.
Let's move over to the list, shall we?
And here we are, here's the list.
And number one, with a bullet, Near Dark.
There we go.
There you have it.
We're not done.
Oh, not nearly, we've got nine more to do.
Okay.
Let's see what's next on our hit list.
I'll tell you what, let's do something, let's do something recent.
Let's really, let's get deep into the science here.
Let's talk about Late Night with the Devil.
Late Night with the Devil just came out, in fact, has it hit Shudder yet?
I don't think it has.
It's what, the 12th, the 22nd, the 19th, the 42nd, somewhere in there.
At any rate, if somebody in chat knows, then please.
Okay, here's the thing.
Late Night with the Devil.
Late Night with the Devil on paper is the best movie I've ever seen.
Here's why it's just right up my alley.
I like ghost stories.
I tend to like possession movies strangely, even though I realize that it's more of a psychological thing than a spiritual thing for me.
I don't go in for all that devil business, but I do like it when somebody gets possessed by a demon.
Go figure.
And that's also good horror stuff.
Getting to the science of it, good old fashioned demonic or evil possession, great fertile ground for a horror film.
And that's what this movie is.
I mean, I'm not going to spoil anything here because it hasn't come out, obviously.
Which, you know, makes the science more difficult, but you're going to have to go with me on this.
Because I don't want to give anything away.
But there is, the premise of the film is, you've got David Desmouchand is a talk show host in the 1970s, and this is kind of a lost episode of the show.
And it's a night when he's trying to get ratings at sweeps week.
And so they're going to do exorcism, or talk to a possessed girl live on the air.
And, you know, and then shenanigans ensue, as you might expect.
Great premise.
Also found footage, kind of, mostly.
You know, there's a little bit of fudging with that, but so be it.
Yeah, so that's also good.
Like found footage and possession?
Well, now we got something.
Now we're talking about a horror movie, folks.
Then you get to the meat of it.
It is the movie, like entertaining and scary and all of that stuff.
Performances are amazing.
David S.
Maltzian is incredible in it.
It's got a real look to it.
It definitely shoots for that 70s aesthetic and I think really nails it, both with the look of the film and also the performances and the way that people behave on television, which is, it sounds weirdly specific, but also people weren't like they are on TV now in the 1970s.
It was much more of a performance when you came on a talk show and so there's a little bit of that.
And so all of that stuff is really, really good.
I think the biggest problem with it is it never really achieves greatness, even though the premise...
Everything that you will see in Late Night with the Devil, you've kind of seen other places.
And I think my pal Duncan said the same, that it doesn't really break new ground in the way that Ghostwatch did or going back to the War of the Worlds broadcast, that kind of faux mockumentary style, like Lake Mungo even presents itself as a pretty straight documentary.
And this has little bits of that.
It's a movie that is a bit of a magpie, where it collects all these other ideas and things from other movies and puts them together in a way that's really fun and really entertaining.
And there are moments where it really kind of goes for it, and that's really.
But it's like it reaches high orbit, but it never breaks atmosphere completely, as far as just being a really effective kind of thriller.
But it's good.
It's good.
And the problem here is that now we have to put it against Near Dark, a movie that could not be more different.
But science, ladies and gentlemen, has to bear this out.
So let's think about this.
Near Dark, aesthetically, it kind of has a vibe the way that Late Night with the Devil does, but the Late Night with the Devil aesthetic is very grainy and kind of in your face and very much calling to mind that era of video, which is kind of messy and blurry and kind of shitty, as opposed to Near Dark, which has beautiful southwestern panoramas and, as somebody pointed out, Tangerine Dream.
You know, we said it already.
It's kind of a vibe movie.
You kind of nestle back into it.
It's got weak leads.
And David Desmouchian and the lead role in Late Night with the Devil, amazing, amazing.
But the supporting cast, the bench, oh, the deep bench of Near Dark.
I think, look, you know, I love a good found footage movie.
I have a whole other show that just dropped, you know, a week ago about found footage movies.
So you know how I love them.
Science is science.
Near Dark is the better movie.
So I think, let's just look at this.
I mean...
That's right, that's right.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Let's move on.
There is more science to be done here.
We cannot pause, we cannot revel in how right we are at this moment.
Instead, it is time to move on to another possession film after, believe it or not, went on a bit of a kick about possession movies and specifically found footage possession movies, which led me to a rewatch of a movie called The Cleansing Hour.
The Cleansing Hour is a movie starring Kyle Gaulner, of all people, who has turned out despite his performance in...
Oh, God, that Nightmare on Elm Street remake.
Oh, boy, just nobody was good in that thing.
He shows up in this and it's pretty good.
The premise is that his pal is this bebearded, muscular, Thor-like priest or would-be priest who performs exorcisms online.
And these hiring actors, and they twist around and twitch, and they've got little gags set up in the room.
And Kyle Gaulner is sort of his producer, and coordinates all this stuff, and their effects, and it's all for subscribers and viewers, and etc.
etc.
And then one night, Kyle Gaulner's girlfriend, who is an actor by trade, is going for an audition or something, and shows up on the set, and the actress that was supposed to be there that night to be the possessed girl in this online video does not show, and so the girlfriend steps in.
And wouldn't you know it, goodness gracious, real possession stuff happens.
And, you know, it's viewers online and trying to figure out what the demon wants, etc.
etc.
So, Lee mentioned the Manitou.
Doesn't show up tonight, but oh, that's not a bad pick.
Anyway, Cleansing Hours.
So, scientifically speaking, let's put this one on the block here.
It's, you know, it's a pretty good idea.
The premise of it is fun.
Again, we talked about, you know, possession and found footage.
That stuff, I think, goes together pretty well.
You can do a good one of those.
You know, Kyle Gallner is good in it.
I think the, let me find the name of the actor who plays his girlfriend.
And because I'll feel bad if I don't.
Alex Angelis, I guess, is her name.
And then Ryan Guzman is the priest in this.
Yeah, I think Kyle Garner is certainly the best of the bunch.
The Ryan, how am I supposed to call him?
The clerk.
Ryan Guzman, less so.
He's fine, but that's kind of it.
It is fairly routine, and the middle of it's a little saggy, but it's kind of fun.
It's a pretty fun movie.
And the idea of like, oh, this demon wants something, we've got to figure out what it is, so we can stop it from doing its thing, but also it's screwing with their heads and yada yada.
And it's all that is fun.
It's pretty fun.
Pardon me.
So, scientifically speaking, it is not a disaster of a movie.
It's perfectly fine.
It is the skim milk of horror.
Sure, it'll do.
Is it what you want?
Maybe not, but it's fine.
You know what?
You pour it over some cocoa pebbles, nobody's going to know the difference, but you know, you pour that, you use that as a base for a milkshake or something, and you're just, oh boy, it's not going to go as well as you hope.
Yeah, so I think where we are with this, pardon me again, I'm looking at the list.
I don't think it is a stretch to say that it should be the number three right now.
I don't think it's fine, but it's Late Night with the Devil, despite being a bit of a magpie of a film, still does a lot more interesting stuff than The Cleansing Hour and Near Dark still sitting on top.
Okay, all right, all right.
I like the work we're doing here, people.
I think that it's the Lord's work, really.
And speaking of the Lord, I went down another path with the found footage possession films and I ended up washed ashore on the banks of Chasing the Devil.
Chasing the Devil is not a good movie, but I will say it is an interesting movie.
The premise of it is a good one.
It is really low budget, and honestly this list, because we are doing every horror film in the history of horror, it will be comprehensive.
There will be movies on all ends, all along the spectrum of budgets and quality.
Thus, the need for a list like this, right?
You want to be able to refer to a good science-based list for recommendations and so forth, and really a guide to life.