well
hello all you beautiful people
you know what time it is
[Music]
ladies and gents
guys and dolls and everyone in between
gather round
get you something real nice to sip on
and comfy to slip on
because it's time
for smut club
here's your hosts chelsea and hannah
[Music]
hello hi everybody welcome to smut club
i'm hannah i'm chelsea
and we're day drinking and talking about
books which is really well not just
books smut smud it's where we thrive it
is where we thrive and this is living
our best lives so yes we're currently
drinking what we call weekend coffees
which is really just whiskey and creamer
with coffee ice cubes in it um but it
works it does 10 out of 10 would would
recommend it and if you have one of the
little electric whisks it really
elevates the experience it just needs a
little judge to like really put it over
the top yes and like it
it needs a lot of joj because the book
we're reviewing today has i can't i
don't know if it really has a lot of
judge it has a lot happening i don't
know if any of it's just
it's not judge you know when i think of
judge i think of like
there's a level of smoothness that
happens with judge you know
and this book lacks all smoothness
it is
all rough edges and i have read this
book twice and still don't know what the
[ __ ] happened we should probably say
what book it is it is master of salt and
bone
by carrie lake
yep that one uh
is a journey
i mean it is it's a journey from start
to finish
and
so i i will begin by
by introducing our characters yeah like
our two main ones so we have lucian who
is the
uh
town recluse he is known as the devil of
bone salt
and uh he is apparently horribly scarred
and known around this small new england
town
as like a major
douchebag i guess
and doesn't really leave his house
and then our girl also is very affluent
yes yes yes he's he's super duper rich
lives in a huge mansion
and alone with his scars is kind of the
general energy and his mom yeah oh and
his mom his mom and his scars his mom
and his scars yeah yeah
um and there's all this like like
town urban legend around him and this
house and all this
um and we'll get into more of that as we
get into the story
um and then we have isadora who goes by
izzy
i would too yeah right who is our main
female
interest
she is 19. she is from a very poor
family her mom is the town [ __ ]
which made her life really difficult
growing up understandably
and um she has no idea who her father is
because her mom is the town [ __ ]
there were just too many options yeah
okay yeah
um i i i get the feeling it was like one
of the like a wheel of fortune spin
thing where you know it could be any
number of options just just flicking the
wrist and we'll see like who doesn't
land on kind of like on how i met your
mother how barney stinson's brother was
played by wayne brady and it's because
his mother got around yes okay exactly
although izzy is an only child
um mainly raised by her aunt because her
mom's also on a lot of drugs and again
we'll get into that more as we get into
the story now as i was thinking about
how to review this book i did talk to
chelsea about different ways that we
could go about telling this story
because
it is just super chaotic there are a lot
of flashbacks happening it's all very
confusing and so initially i was
thinking maybe i would do all the
flashbacks first
um
but i
the more we talked about it the more i
realized i don't want to rob you guys of
the experience of
this chaos because it
that is the book you know like like if i
change the order to try to make it more
lucid i have just
you're doing everyone a disservice
because it is not the true experience of
master of salt and bone exactly like i
am
i am taking away the integrity of the
story you know
not that there is much
i was gonna say integrity is maybe not
the word i would have chosen
um but also i don't know if there's
another word
so yeah i mean i kind of get it
i mean we've already established
authentic
we the authenticity of the journey sure
i mean we've already established that
josh is not the word we'll find it
eventually um i'm gonna laugh my ass off
if we make it through this entire review
and by the end we're still like we don't
have the word for what this book is i'm
going to lay odds on that that it's
going to be 60 40. we're gonna have no
idea
i'm not betting against it fair enough
so
it opens with a flashback of our dear
friend lucian
um
15 years ago in some kind of
asylum like being strapped down and he
is crying and sobbing begging his mother
not to leave him and to help him and she
says that um he's sick
and that these people are trying to help
him and he just needs to calm down and
she leaves him there so that's how we're
opening
right as little like 15 16 year old
lucian
coming out hot just like full bell jar
situation
so
then
we move into isadora so her she's in the
car with her aunt they're driving um to
the uh manor where lucian lives
because isadora has gotten a job
at the mansion as the companion slash
caretaker for lucian's mother
so the aunt is pretty upset by this does
not want to leave her there
but
they don't really have any money izzy
just graduated from high school there's
also some some
allusion to some kind of trauma that she
experienced recently the aunt is like i
i just don't like this this is a bad
idea
and izzy's like
tough [ __ ] we need the money so she is
trying to save up money so she can leave
this this dead end town where everybody
just thinks she's a [ __ ] because of her
mom
so all that's going on they get there
she does not meet lucian she sees him in
the window
which
i don't know what it is about that trope
that just i don't it's just weird like
it's just so weird and it's in a ton of
movies and a ton of books where like the
the woman arrives somewhere and there's
just like this shadowy creepy person
just staring out the window yeah
i don't like that i'm not a fan of that
to be fair i don't think you're supposed
to like it i think it's supposed to
leave you feeling a little unsettled so
i will say
it seems like she may have succeeded
with her goal on this one
i mean i guess
we'll we'll give carrie credit on that
then
okay carrie gets credit for this trope
just the ones though just the ones never
again never please god
so um izzy is in like
torn clothes they're super old because
she's poor and that's what she has so
she shows up and she meets the mom she
meets the butler person i guess
and he's giving her a tour telling her
the rules he says you know stay out of
of the master's way
and she's like cool cool cool cool cool
and the mom is really strange she has
some kind of dementia happening and
isn't very steady on her feet so she
uses a wheelchair i'm not gonna lie i
read this book probably like
three or four years ago
i don't really remember when i read it
but i would have bet money it was his
grandmother and not his mom and so now
i'm really questioning
my memory of this book
it is his mother oh damn it is his
mother
this really kind of changes how i was
conceptualizing it and not for the
better
it's not good no okay so it's his mother
i'm not gonna get us off track there
it's his mother and so this is gonna be
important later she also has this
collection of very expensive very rare
ultra creepy dolls like vintage old
school antique dolls
that i love a good doll collector i just
i
like
annabelle why
i
you know what i'm not here to shame
people if that is your jam like
okay that's okay but i also
if you ever ask me if i want to see the
collection i'm probably going to
politely decline or not so politely i
was going to say i probably won't be
polite about it
you know that's just a boundary i'm
going to keep precisely okay so izzy's
getting settled in she has to live in
the manor as part of her new job um so
she gets settled in
the mom is like hate your outfit we're
buying you new clothes it's a whole
thing
um oh i forgot izzy is also a very
accomplished piano player of course
naturally but like obviously it makes
sense that the girl who
whose mother was the town [ __ ] who's
never had anything or really any access
to lessons consistently or anything of
that capacity would just naturally be
a piano prodigy
right and they do address that because
apparently she has um
like an eidetic memory where she can
replicate anything she hears so when she
hears a piece of music once she can play
it
and i'm like
just
doubt that you know but okay we'll give
you that one it's convenient i mean for
the sake of the story i guess we'll give
you that one well how else would she
learn to play the piano hannah
i
she she wanted
without that memory she would not be the
accomplished pianist that she is
and apparently the mom loves uh
classical music so this is very exciting
for everybody that she is able to do
this
so then we move to another flashback
okay
and
it is
lucian and his best friend they're like
14 well 15 15 16
and they're chilling running around
doing what 15 and 16 year old boys do
causing
havoc
they're on a break from their boarding
school or whatever and i
a new housekeeper shows up and she's
french and busty so obviously like
they're super into that
and she's like
weirdly forward with both of them
and
lucian's like
pass
but his buddy is like i'm into that
so the
the 15 year old dudes are on break from
boarding school there's a new hot
housekeeper from france who shows up
and is like i'm into 14 year olds or 15
year olds i apologize apparently
and lucian has the wherewithal to be
like
nah i'm good and it's okay
you know
i mean she's hot and he he understands
the fact that she's hot but he's like
no
right
so her mom his mom hates her obviously
um
but she starts working there
they continue on with their summer
it's good times to be had by all
so then we're back to the present lucian
is like
so did anything happen in that flashback
outside of just like an introduction to
the [ __ ] housekeeper i apologize i'm
not slut-shaming no i mean i'm pretty
sure but yeah okay so we meet the hot
busty french housekeeper the french maid
the friend we yes truly we meet the
french maid and they're like all right
back to back to the present
anyway
so i am not going to give carrie that
trope of the french maid i will not give
her that um so then we're back to the
present and lucian this is all told from
first person by the way so it flashes
back and forth between the different
points of view
so lucian
obviously is creeping in the window he's
like
she looks like a sewer rat but i'm into
that
like that's basically like he he's very
judgmental of her clothing why does she
look like a sewer rat i don't think he's
like a normal day and he's like
you're like did she fall in a pool and
he's like i'm into sewer
i don't think he used those words
necessarily but she had it's like he's
describing she has on a lot of like
heavy eye makeup and she's wearing like
clothes that don't fit well and are very
clearly old and threadbare she's wearing
um like galoshes that don't fit properly
it's like a whole thing and he's like
yikes but also
um
like ew but also
maybe exactly okay exactly and izzy
doesn't have a car or anything so
they're you know they go through the
whole thing of like you know well
you you can use the
my driver situation whatever and we
expect you to be here pretty much all
the time just let us know when you're
leaving blah blah blah and lucian is
like eavesdropping a lot because he
doesn't really want to meet her because
he's like my scars oh he still hasn't
met her at this point no no no he's just
like
sort of there
they're just like
circling around each other in this house
without ever actually yeah okay yes so
lucian is
obviously super into her but like trying
not to be weird about it and then
there's also
this this like secret society illuminati
situation happening
and so
um these guys show up to meet with
lucian and they have these like
super secret rings that like have a
moth on them i think i don't remember
how secret can a ring be you'll wear it
on your hand i don't
i don't know i i i'm telling you like
i'm sorry you were you are giving your
best representation of this book and i'm
i'm not [ __ ] on your representation
i'm [ __ ] on the book
because i'm like the super secret
moth rings for their secret society i'm
like is it really that [ __ ] secret so
when i think of
like these rings i think of um
and when our powers combine like a
captain planet situation
and i know that's not what was intended
like i'm fully aware of that but i just
that's where my brain goes so he's
meeting with these men who are like
you're supposed to be
more involved with the organization and
he's like i don't want to
he's like not into it
and so apparently he's experiencing a
lot of pressure but we still don't know
what this organization does or what its
purpose is or what the [ __ ] is going on
right so there's just some men with moth
rings pressuring him to be more involved
end of our knowledge got it yes
so and then as we continue to move
izzy's getting settled i'm gonna speed
up a little bit izzy's getting settled
um she meets the mom again still super
weird but she spends time with her she
reads to her and she's very into like
harlequin romance so you know
she'd probably like this podcast she
would love it
uh but she's also super like buttoned up
and conservative which is just you know
a very interesting dichotomy for
character development that was a choice
that that carrie made
so izzy reads to her she
plays her
some songs on the piano
she's like trying to figure out
what
i don't know what her life is supposed
to look like now that she's in this role
um obviously they have a private chef
obviously
and so the private chef uh
keeps coming on to izzy makes her meals
and stuff and so izzy one day
was working late because the mom had
some kind of issue or something and so
she goes down
to eat and there's this massive dog that
she essentially describes as a hell
beast it sounds like some kind of
mastiff
like this massive dog
is there and she's like i'm gonna die
and so she takes off running which by
the way
um don't do that
prank
i don't care if it's a dog or a bear or
whatever you don't run from a predator
you just you just don't do that so the
dog got super excited and decided to
chase her
down just to like lick on her not to do
anything bad to her
so misunderstood right he's just sitting
there wanting all the love so and and
just to be totally honest of all of the
characters in this book the dog is my
favorite
his character arc for me is like
the one
character arc
really the the jaw the dog's personal
growth development through this through
this novel is
jeff's kiss as we peel back the layers
for him you know okay
so anyway so this is how she meets
lucian because lucian shows up and gets
the dog and he tells her like you're a
[ __ ] idiot don't ever run from him
right and she's like okay
um also you're super hot but like try
not to be weird about it
and so
um that's how they meet he's a total
[ __ ] she's like [ __ ] you like
they're they're only meeting now oh my
god yeah she's been there for like two
or three days and like living in the
same house
oh and i forgot she also feels like
someone is watching her sleep which is
really fun for everybody um but she
cannot prove that and there's a nurse
who also works there
um taking care of the mom and she's like
yeah you're gonna wanna avoid the devil
of bone salt that's bad news
bears and it's like giving her all this
information and izzy is like jesus
christ like i'm just trying to get a
paycheck so i can get out of this
[ __ ] town right now like please leave
me alone
so anyway
um all that happens she finally meets
lucian it is not a very auspicious
meeting
great vocab word thank you very much i
feel really good about my sat scores and
that makes one of us
i don't remember my s.a.t scores i
stayed out with friends the night before
and forgot i had to take them so then i
retook them because it was not the score
anyone in my family was hoping for
i
oh god i had to take them twice also
because i had juvenile epilepsy and so
they didn't realize that i needed like
like special accommodations
and so i show up like kind of high on my
medication
and like take the test and i i didn't
have time to finish because that was a
little high and they were like
that's really tough for you
so
you actually had to get like medical
accommodations right the second time
well at least you had an excuse i did
you did
and apparently i grew out of it so
i got what i needed
the extra time on the sats and now i'm
done so that was the cure
that was all i was waiting for billy i
got special accommodations on the sats
and voila
cured i no longer had juvenile epilepsy
yeah just no more seizures for me it was
really great
um so anyway
so
so par parting ways with juvenile
epilepsy let's get back to lucian and
his scars i really love our tangents
they're just really perfect for
everybody to be
you know experiencing so we have another
flashback
uh is the is the
[ __ ] french maid in the flashback yes
yes so um lucian so there are sea caves
so lucian
and his friend um decide they're gonna
meet up at the sea caves and like smoke
a little weed and drink a little so the
mansion isn't a coastal city yes thank
you sorry it's in it's in a new england
like
cape situation okay yes
so there are sea caves so
so
lucian is uh supposed to be meeting his
friend at the
sea caves uh again to like smoke a
little weed drink a little do teenage
boy [ __ ] and um
apparently his friend decides to bring
the french maid
with him
and you know as any grown woman wants to
do hang out in some sea caves with some
15 year old boys yeah yeah so then um
his friend is not shy
right
so he is like
saying things that frankly
no one should say like much less a
teenage boy like you know
making a lot of demands on this french
woman
so
lucian and she's like inviting lucian to
participate and he's like
no
i'm not
i'm not [ __ ] you with my best friend
thank you though like i'm not doing that
so the best friend is putting the moves
on the french maid and the french maid
is in turn putting the moves on lucian
yes man i wonder how the
best friend feels about that i mean he
was pretty into it from
what i gathered you right
so lucian just sits there in the sea
cave smoking weed watching his best
friend [ __ ] this french maid
and then she comes over and is like your
turn and he's like
no like i don't i don't live for sloppy
seconds thank you does he say that to
her basically yeah hang on let me let me
find the exact quote because he
definitely
that's brutal so first of all she said
come young master [ __ ] me
and
he's like i don't [ __ ] seconds
and her response is i should have let
you have me first then i'll just have to
pretend and then she masturbates in
front of him while calling his name
so
that and that's the flashback
and that's the flashback i'm like okay
but here's the other thing so
their children
their their they're children
and i'm just like
ew
gross
yeah nothing about
that scene feels like arousing
no it feels like
this isn't a good vibe that's happening
[Music]
now mind you is that because both of us
are
mandated reporters
for abuse
like may that might be like we both had
to call cps on more than one occasion
in our jobs is that why like it's is
that what it is because there's
definitely a disconnect with this where
i'm like nope this feels
this doesn't feel sexy this feels
like a grown ass woman
is masturbating to a 15 year old in
front of him right very predatory and i
i mean i would like to think that it's
not just being a mandated reporter that
like morally as a person i would object
to that also that yes we do have morals
and if i think about it like if this
book if the gender roles were flipped
and a man was doing this with a girl it
would be like
you wouldn't write that down you know
what i mean like it would or it would
very clearly be like a trauma arc and
not
sort of like
slated to be sexy i also like here's the
thing
i don't think i've ever seen a 15 year
old boy even if he lifts even if he like
works out on a regular basis and been
like
i'm into that like right there's always
at that age like i've never seen a 15
year old boy been like what i thought
they were at least
legal like there's something i'm like no
you still look
like a 15 year old like a even if you're
a little kid 15 year old
for other 15 year olds they're 15 year
olds yes important clarifying
real weird
we're just gonna bow out while we're
behind anyway
[Laughter]
so
she closes by saying next time i'll have
you first
so she i guess she felt the need to
to reiterate that and that is the end of
the flashback and we are back to present
day with izzy
so she is again she's settling in
she really really likes lucian
um
and
well so i shouldn't say she likes him
she is into him she thinks he's super
hot
um she's very curious about her scars
and how he got them um
and so he's got this like air of mystery
he's an older man so she's like into
that i think he's 12 years older than
her
um
so
31
something like that yeah i don't
remember his exact age but i'm pretty
sure it's around then um
and then
we have another flashback
that chapter is just izzy like getting
used to getting settled yeah so we have
another flashback we learned that
lucian's father is extremely abusive
towards him
um
and
uh the french maid is continuing to
shoot her shot
um
and she tells him how just disappointed
she was that he didn't
like [ __ ] her like oh my god
um she she seems really hung up um
this child
she is okay
she's into a lot of things
and we'll get more into that because i
learn a lot about this french maid whose
name is solange that i wish i didn't
know
so
uh yeah
he's just
yeah
she's continuing to come on to him
and
she is like wanting to
teach him things tells him to come back
to the sea cave and he's like no no no
she's like you you totally you totally
should so he does obviously because he's
a 16 year old boy and this woman with
huge tits is like um let me [ __ ] you
right like in the seat cave in the sea
cave
so she won't be second this time and you
won't be sad
so he
i think she she just gives him a hand
job at this point
but she
like ties him up and lets the water rise
enough so that his head is under water
and he can't breathe
and so then he has this like super
powerful orgasm because breath play and
he's like what the [ __ ]
and she said something about like you've
just experienced the petite more right
like the small death of orgasm and he's
like that's amazing teach me everything
you know
and that's the end of that flashback
[ __ ] book man
okay so
so she's teaching him about breath play
by letting the tide rise in the sea cave
while she gives him a hand job but
because he couldn't breathe it really
when he could finally breathe his orgasm
was incredible yes
this yeah this makes sense go on so she
just gives him a proper nantucket
handshake
i have
we'll get into that later
um anyway
so
yeah i have to speed this up because
there's just so much happening
you really so much [ __ ] chaos and so
she
so
it we're back to izzy she's having
nightmares of this trauma that we still
don't know what happened
she's doing all this stuff
trying to get to know
what's going on she's interacting with
lucian a little bit more he's hearing
her play the piano and he's like oh my
stars
and she's like you know that's just what
i do like don't worry about it
um then we have more flashbacks again of
knowing
like learning more about how abusive his
dad is
it's just a [ __ ] mess you guys like i
just don't
i just don't know
i just don't know so
we're continuing on this journey of izzy
settling in
and pretty much every other every other
chapter is a flashback so
lucian is banging the french maid more
regularly
and
learning more about breath play
apparently he's also a little bit into
knife play um he doesn't like using the
knife he likes to use it on himself but
he hasn't done it with her so that's a
whole thing his father is very
disappointed by all of this
well actually his father is very proud
because he thinks that lucian is
sadistic and lucian is not but his dad
thinks that he is because he finds the
knife and he finds like some porn that
that suggests that
and so his dad is like finally
you're my real son
which is that's a weird father-son
bonding experience it's just a really
strange bar to set you know
so i've been waiting to find out you're
into knife play
so
dad is like
basically
disclosing his sexual proclivities
which is a lot to digest
so
lucian is continuing to fight his
attraction to izzy because he feels like
she's too young he winds up fingering
her on the piano bench i guess and after
she plays and then he's like
i made you like a needy little [ __ ]
didn't i too bad you're too young
love you bye and like that's it you know
and she's like what the [ __ ]
and yeah that's just
that's just how it happens
so interspersed with all of this we also
meet the mayor of this town
the mayor
really really really really really wants
to be a part of this secret organization
lest we forget the moth rings that
lucian is a part of and so he is coming
to lucian petitioning to join this group
he is also lucian's father-in-law
because lucian was married
he also had a son so this is part of
where all of the like urban legend about
this family comes in because
lucian's son disappeared
and then his wife killed herself
so there's a lot of speculation about
what happened to the son and if he
actually killed the wife right so the
wife is the mayor's daughter so he comes
to lucian
as his father-in-law and is like do this
for me we're family and lucian's like
jesus christ i [ __ ] hate you like
basically right
um
and
his father-in-law is like let me on the
secret society and lucian's like you
remind me of all of my trauma leave me
the [ __ ] alone yes precisely precisely
so
um
more flashbacks
my favorite flashback well favorite i
don't know that that's the word because
again we don't have a word for this book
we don't have a word so
the flashback that stands out the most
to me we'll say it that way is lucian is
at a dinner party the french maid is
serving
at the dinner party
she is like stroking him and [ __ ] in
front of people
on the sly hoping no one will notice and
he's super into it
so then she tells him she's gonna come
to him later that's great
he gets up because she disappears and he
wants to go find her
and he hears her
getting [ __ ] by his father
while he uses because his mother was
apparently a rhythmic gymnast
apparently she twirled baton
so i don't know what you call that a
baton twirler so i had a friend she was
and like internationally ranked baton
twirler but i gotta say
true like the i was like i kind of
laughed and then the first time i saw
her like actually like do her like baton
routine i was like this is
the most impressive thing i feel like
i've seen in person in a really long
time and then i felt like an [ __ ] and
i'm like you know what who am i to judge
your art
and who am i to judge carrie's art with
master of salt and bone i was going to
say i am judging carrie's art i am not
judging i am not judging
i'm not no
uh it is beautiful and majestic
follow your bliss
so
the reason that's important is because
his dad is using his mother's
like award-winning baton to [ __ ] the
maid in the ass while he rails her
and she's like i love it so dirty i'm so
into that
solange seems to have very few moral
hang-ups in her life
again i
okay so i would say i'm not here to
judge but she's [ __ ] children so i'm
here to judge that and their parents and
their parents i'm here to judge the
pedophilia you know right i think that's
a fair judgment right i'm not here to
kink shame in other ways so all that's
happening lucian feels betrayed
solange comes to him and is like i only
ever wanted you
you know i have to because he's gonna
fire me whatever whatever and lucian's
like that was [ __ ] disgusting
like holy [ __ ] well he didn't like
sharing her with his best friend i can't
imagine sharing her with his father
felt better
yeah no no
sorry i needed a whiskey break after
that
so then
uh
again we flash back to present
the izzy's getting more and more
information about lucian's wife and that
whole situation
she finds out that she did kill herself
she like jumped off a balcony
um she continues to kind of like want to
be close to lucian and he is continuing
to like fight his desire for her
whatever
um mom continues to be super creepy and
weird
and then
at some point izzy gets a phone call
from her aunt
and her aunt is like i just had the [ __ ]
beat out of me by your mom's drug dealer
she owes him a ton of money she took off
um
they said they're gonna kill me if we
don't get this money and it's a lot of
money
like
like what how
did she get that whatever
like how did she obtain that that many
drugs like i guess she was
like acting as a courier or something
whatever the point is
izzy steals an antique doll
oh from lucian's mother and her creepy
doll collection precisely okay precisely
so that she can pay off these drug
dealers and um as she is trying to leave
the house she drops the doll and it
breaks in front of the butler and he's
like what the [ __ ] dude like for real
come on now
so then izzy goes to lucian and he oh
and she has been
bought a whole new wardrobe at this
point so she's like looking super cute
all the time and lucian's like god damn
it
so
um
lucian is like what the [ __ ] are you
doing like
what are you doing and so she explains
the situation to him he's like i'll fix
it whatever and she's like
okay and she's like like fix the broken
doll or fix
the
the family debt
okay both i guess so um
yeah so
izzy's like i mean i know i'm fired and
he's like you're not fired you can never
leave here like oh good so some weird
beauty and the beast vibes like you're
here forever now
um and so
yeah so then izzy gets another phone
call that her mom is dead
she has apparently overdosed
so she's very upset
she tells lucian she needs to take some
time off
and all that good stuff and
um izzy
is really struggling with this whole
thing nobody really shows up to her
mom's funeral lucian sends a lot of
flowers it's just her and her aunt there
at the funeral
and then as she's leaving the funeral
home the mayor shows up
and he's like i i used to be your mom's
high school teacher she was such an
amazing young woman you know
i'm so sad that her life turned out the
way that it did i just wanted to pay my
respects and just to make sure i'm
remembering correctly the mayor is
lucian's deceased wife's father correct
and he shows up to
izzy's mother's funeral and it's like i
was her high school teacher correct and
i came to pay my respects correct okay
small town yeah yeah yeah um
small coastal town
so
sea caves with sea caves is it a coastal
town if it doesn't have sea caves i mean
technically yes
i guess to be fair
oh [ __ ] so anyway
this book y'all oh my god
so i feel like there's still a lot of
there's so much we might have to like
like
speed i'm just gonna speed it up so
there's another flashback at some point
lucian meets a girl at a party her like
their parents really want them to get to
know each other it turns out that it is
the mayor's daughter and he does wind up
marrying her however the reason he winds
up marrying her is because she was
coming on to him pretty strong during
this party they [ __ ] in a closet like
a supply closet
um but he could not
orgasm i guess because she wasn't
choking him or hurting him
and he was like it's all it's all good
like
this has been great all of his sexual
experiences with solange and breath play
really did not set him up for success
they did with other sexual experiences
because to be fair if someone else is an
into breath play it is a
interesting conversation to try and
bring up especially in the moment yeah
that's not like you i don't feel like
you can do spontaneous breath play with
a new partner you know not your first
time no no no no no there it is you got
to build that trust yeah and there needs
to be some conversation around that
so then turns out she shows like she's
staying with them for some reason i
don't really remember why she's staying
at the manor and she's like continuing
to try to like cozy up to lucian and
he's like for real babe like that was
terrible not really into any of this
and so
then turns out she is pregnant and she's
like it's your baby and he's like um
isn't that i mean and
he's like she's like no like you're the
only person that i've slept with in like
the last six months or whatever like it
has to be you he's like well
cool
uh what
and the mayor and his dad are like cool
story you're getting married
how old are they at this point in like
early 20s okay yeah like i think like
that they just finished college okay
yeah or he did he's no longer a child
he's no longer a child thank god so we
don't have a child bride situation in
conjunction with the general pedophilia
yeah
so
um izzy um is continuing to play the
piano she and lucian are continuing to
have running run-ins that are like
increasing in spiciness
um
she's continuing to have nightmares and
all this stuff from whatever trauma she
experienced
um
she
[Music]
lucian winds up seeing a bunch of scars
on her arms from apparently where she
was cutting herself and he's like joke's
on you i'm into that and she's like what
[Music]
oh my god
like being into knife play and
self-harming are not
they're very different things
so
and we won't get into like the dsm-5
situation of it all
but this
this is like
a a bdsm five situation
and it's not good
oh my god
i've never been more proud of you for a
joke in my entire life
honestly i'm pretty [ __ ] proud of
myself bdsm five
no one who
if you don't work in mental health that
is not gonna be nearly as funny to you
but i'm losing my [ __ ] over here
i feel pretty good about it
and for our target audience i hope you
appreciated it
so
yeah so it turns out obviously she's
been doing a lot of self-harming all
this other crazy shit's going on
they're continuing to get closer and
closer
the organization is continuing to show
up and pressure lucian
we're continuing to have flashbacks of
him
i don't even know what he's doing in
these flashbacks anymore none of it
makes sense
and so oh in one of them his dad takes
him down to the like catacombs the like
basement
under the house area under the coastal
mansion with the sea caves under the
coastal mansion that is near the sea
caves
and um which by the way if you know
anything about living on the coast there
would not be catacombs or a basement
because flooding that [ __ ] happens all
the time we don't live like that on the
coast thank you
well
you have two podcast hosts from florida
so we have a lot of opinions on flooding
so
among other things among other things
buckle in flooding and alligators we
really know our strengths
and smut
so
sometimes all three so
quintessential florida obviously so his
dad takes him down to this basement and
there's this man strapped in down there
and his dad is like you need to torture
this guy and lucian's like what the [ __ ]
dude like no and he's like yeah you're
gonna do it and you're gonna like it
so obviously lucian has been subject to
his father's torture for years and now
he is being forced to torture other
people
once again different than being into
knife play very much so
so lucian
apparently part of this organization
they they're doing research and
experience on
sociopathy
and so they pay people who are like
desperate for money to volunteer
essentially to be tortured and so his
dad is like he's not gonna get paid if
you don't torture him his family's gonna
starve is that what you want like
[ __ ] torture him great super really
good for a young person's psyche
so
that's my professional opinion
so all this is happening
izzy
he decides he wants izzy to play piano
at this big party
and he it's like a masquerade situation
and he tells her
not to talk to any of the men there
and to like stick close to him because
apparently these are like organization
people and so he's very nervous about
her
being around them
so she plays so it's an illuminati party
that she's playing the piano for yes and
the mayor shows up um
and talks to her and makes her super
uncomfortable and she's like big yikes
all around to all of this
and straight up y'all i have no idea if
i'm telling you this story in
chronological order at this point i
don't think it matters it just doesn't
matter i'm truly reading it didn't feel
like there was a chronological it didn't
it didn't
so
mayor shows up she's uncomfortable
lucian gets really upset that the mayor
is talking to her at all like drags her
outside and then like eats her out in
the garden like in
i was gonna say broad daylight it's not
broad daylight because it's at night
but like just out in the open but in the
open of the garden under the starlight
precisely yes where they could be seen
yes yes and she's like holy [ __ ] i'm
super into that
so they're continuing to like have this
burgeoning sexual relationship with
knife play and breath play and all this
other fun and interesting stuff
and um
so
and the mayor continues to come around
and be weird and we don't understand why
and the mom continues to be weird have
like weird dementia outbursts that's
like what the [ __ ] lucian's mother
lucious izzy's mother is dead
yes dead because the mayor went to the
funeral yes yes okay yes
um
and then
holy [ __ ]
[Laughter]
like i y'all i'm like
disturbed
and
perplexed
and befuddled by this book
i am befuddled
truly befuddled
not to be confused with besieged
so
[Laughter]
so
i'm so sorry
i'm gonna get it together i just i
from start to finish you guys what the
[ __ ] hannah this book didn't get it
together so i don't think you should put
that same pressure on yourself thank you
anytime let me give you that freedom if
you won't give it to yourself i
appreciate your validation and
affirmation of my effort right now
therapy
hashtag therapy so
um
then
izzy's trying to figure out like what is
going on with the mayor
um
she's getting more and more information
about lucian's past she learns that his
son has was is dead like he didn't
disappear he died
and they essentially covered up his
death because he died via overdose after
getting into his mother's pills
solution's wife's pills right
um and lucian blamed his wife
for the death of their son
um because she didn't
like lock up her pills and
um that's why she killed herself was
because of all the guilt and shame
of her son dying um and uh she was also
apparently pregnant when she killed
herself
um and lucian's like that's really
interesting because i had not [ __ ] her
in a really long time so
yeah so like they their parents told
them that they had to get married and
then like they didn't really have a
marriage so much as like a legally
binding contract right and a son that
they both really loved and cared about
you know that's a great reframe
thank you
but then the sun dies and now there's
like no reason for them to be together
and the wife is super depressed
understandably
so all this is going on
izzy's uncovering all this stuff and
then lucian starts uncovering izzy's
past because again there's like a lot of
trauma that apparently happened to her
in high school so lucian gave her a
bracelet that had a tracking device in
it bob's
and so izzy was did she know there was a
tracking device in it negative okay so
she just thinks lucian gives her a
bracelet yes okay and she is visiting
her best friend in town and walking back
to her aunt's house one night and she
gets jumped by these guys who like pull
her into a public bathroom and try to
assault her and stuff and she fights
really hard but
very clearly like they have the upper
hand there's more of them they're
stronger and then one of lucian's
security guy shows up and just beats the
snot out of these kids
and
um rescues her and she's like how did
you find me they're like oh it's a
tracker
[Music]
so um
and also like they continue to refer to
this bodyguard person
i i take it back the dog is not my
favorite it's the bodyguard person they
continue to like randomly refer to him
he's some sort of like he's hawaiian or
samoan or something like they never
really
tell you we just know that he's massive
and really nice
so it's dwayne the rock johnson
yes that is literally how i picture him
in my mind yes that's you know that's
that's a fair assessment yeah
they're just like he's a large samoan
man who can bust some heads if needed
okay we can work with that we can
so um izzy gets rescued she finds out
that there's a tracker in the bracelet
and lucian is like tell me what happened
tell me why they were after you so she
tells him that her friend was sexually
assaulted at a party
and izzy lost her [ __ ] when she realized
what had happened to her and so she
um
stabbed some people
who hurt her friend
what the [ __ ]
honestly like
i'm embarrassed how much of this book
i've forgotten but as you're going
through it i'm like you know what
there's no chance i could have
remembered all of this because it's so
chaotic
it is and i'm gonna be totally honest i
did not remember most of it like i
completely forgot the mayor existed
until i started like going back through
for this podcast to get ready for it and
then i was like oh [ __ ] i forgot about
the mayor because he actually is really
important you guys so
so all of this stuff is going on
um and
the um the organization is really on to
lucian
ex
and the explanation is that um
lucian's family has been a part of this
study of sociopathy for generations and
so they need him to have
children to continue the study
and he is like please [ __ ] off
right like you know good for him setting
that boundary
yeah um but he was involved in the
experiments and the research and stuff
which is why he's so messed up
um
emotionally so then
at some point in some flashback he finds
solange the french maid
dead in a sea cave
and he goes and runs and tells somebody
that she's dead they go to investigate
and they're like kiddo there's no body
like what are you talking about and he's
like no like solange is dead and they're
like there was no solange who are you
talking about and he's like no no no
like me and jude and they're like jude
is dead
he's been dead for years and okay okay
okay okay okay
hold on
just to make sure
the sea caves the [ __ ] sea caves the
goddamn sea
lucian goes out and sees solange's dead
body and the sea caves and then is
obviously we're in a flash back here
and
then he goes and it's like salon just
dead and everyone's like
no
she
she was always dead she was she never
existed she never existed okay solange
isn't real and your best friend is dead
and has been apparently for like a year
okay
oh no
that is
that is not great when you think about
that breath placing
did he drop
did he drown himself
like
oh no
so
okay so that's a plot twist it's
something
so then we're like okay so how much of
this is solution hallucinating like i
don't i don't even know anymore
oh because the book opened with lotion
like being in a psych ward or something
and they're like you're sick and you
need to be here oh no
i really forgot so much of this book oh
no
is correct so
um
yeah so izzy
shares this with him and he's like
i don't know about all that so the
closer they get the more that she
reveals the more nightmares she starts
to have and she eventually tells him
that she in fact was the one who was
sexually assaulted and she is the one
that
after
the act
stabbed a guy basically tried to cut off
his dick which you know
while i generally don't condone violence
i'm like good for her you know like
good for her way to take back your power
izzy exactly so then she had accused him
of sexual assault this this guy
and he was very prominent in the
community his mom was like
head of the pta stand-up kind of lady
and she's the the daughter of the town
[ __ ] so everybody thought that she
basically just went crazy and stabbed
the golden child of the town because she
is a
[Music]
[ __ ] who's also a nut case when really
the golden shot of the town was like
kyle rittenhouse yes he was a brett
kavanaugh jr
so
so she reveals this lucian is like holy
[ __ ] okay like all this makes sense now
they're doing more knife play and more
breath play they're getting to know each
other more and more
the mom is continuing to be just super
[ __ ] weird man like
she has these weird dementia episodes
where she talks about her grandson as if
he's still alive like asking where he is
and if he'll come visit her and stuff
and it's all very sad
and um and then when she's not having
those flashbacks she's just reading her
harlequin romances and staring at her
her creepy doll collection yes and
listening to izzy play the piano i
forgot the obvious yes obviously yes so
um
yeah all this is continuing to go on the
organization people are still up
lucian's ass and then eventually
um
izzy decides she really needs to figure
out who her dad is
i don't really remember what prompted
that at all
um but she decides she wants to find out
so
she starts going through her mother's
old things actually maybe that's where
it started she's going through her
mother's old things she finds an old
yearbook she finds different things and
then she's like
[Music]
the mayor is pretty suspicious right now
he's pretty [ __ ] sus
so
she's like i don't feel great about this
so she's walking down the street the
mayor
drives up next to her and is like hey i
really need to talk to you let me give
you a ride and she's like hard pass
because
you're weird you're a strange man that
i've met a couple times and made me feel
uncomfortable all of the time so i'm not
gonna get in your car with you you
weirdo
yep okay and he's like joke's on you you
are getting in the car
so this was not an invitation so much as
explaining what was going to happen yeah
this was not optional
and so a struggle ensues and he gets her
into the car she is still wearing her
bracelet with a little tracker on it
so um he takes her to a cabin in the
woods
tells her that he is in fact her father
and he needs her
because in order to join the
organization he needs a
an offspring
to offer up for
the experiments and the research that
they're doing and so
he needs his daughter to volunteer his
daughter to be tortured by lucian's
illuminati society yes got it and his
his legitimate daughter is dead so all
he has is the
uh daughter of the high school girl that
he had sex with while he was a high
school teacher
you shouldn't be doing that
no none of it really so much of the
activity in this book is is frowned upon
not just like societally frowned upon
but like legally legally like there's a
lot of concerns in this book that i feel
like we're all just like okay with
i mean i'm not
no i mean like in their in their world
they're okay with it right right right
yes hannah i would hope you're not okay
with with the pedophilia that is rampant
in this book
um
but yeah it feels like everyone in this
book is like you know that's that's just
what happens in a small town with money
and you're like
what is it it it doesn't have to this
was a choice
this was a choice that you made and then
doubled down on
so
um the the the mayor has her in this
cabin he calls the organization's people
to come
get her i guess
and lucian realizes that she's missing
they had had some kind of fight honestly
y'all i don't [ __ ] know like if you
want the details of this book just read
it i'm not telling you you're gonna
enjoy it i'm telling you like if you
if you want to try to read this book and
make sense of it and explain it to me
like we would love honestly if you read
this book and you're like all of this is
a very linear thought pattern i don't
understand why it's escaping y'all we
would love to have you on the show we
would love to have you explain this book
to us because both of us have read this
and just thought
what chaos
yeah
and like it's not even that i am drunk
at this point it's just like i genuine
like you've only had one weekend coffee
only one weekend coffee and i still
don't know what the [ __ ] and i can't i
can't articulate it so
she's being held hostage it's a whole
thing giant samoan guy shows up and it
like
starts shooting up the cabin joining the
rock johnson wayne the rock johnson
shows up
um
and uh lucian shows up and obviously he
sacrifices his body and like throws
himself over top of her to protect her
during the gun fight and the mayor's
shooting and the samoan guy is shooting
and then some guys from the the the
illuminati show up and they're shooting
and everybody's [ __ ] shooting and
so then
and so there's a shootout is what i hear
us saying
the mayor takes izzy we find out izzy is
his daughter he needs her to join the
illuminati so they can conduct their
sociopathy experiments and there's a
shootout yes okay
so then lucian is like he's been shot
he's like we have to get izzy out of
here
so he gives izzy to the big samoan guy
he takes her away
and lucian sticks around and then the
illuminati guys show up and lucian's
like nothing to see here y'all because
he buried the mayor in in a pile of dirt
i guess because he's dead now
sorry i skated right over that
so the mayor is dead mayor is dead
lucian buried him and then the
illuminati showed back up
okay
and lucian's like don't worry about it
thanks good chat
and so then
y'all we're not even close so then we
have to be close we're not we're not you
would think that's like the climax of
the book you would be incorrect so then
pollution finally i need more whiskey
for this oh my god
i need something stronger than whiskey
like a valium
maybe somehow doll maybe it would make
more sense if i just be 52 me man
yes precisely so then
lucian gets izzy back to the house he
like cleans her up she cleans him up and
like his wound is whatever
like
sutured
they're having a nice time doing
whatever it is they do and then lucian's
mom shows up like leering over the bed
after lucian gets up for some reason and
she's like you're a little [ __ ] just
like all the others i thought you were
going to be different like how dare you
try to corrupt my son
blah blah blah blah she then reveals
that the death of lucian's son was not
an accident she intentionally killed his
child
using his mother's pills
and set it up to look like an accident
um
his father died of a heart attack at
some point
i think like right after the son died i
don't really remember his dad died but
honestly i couldn't remember how or why
nor did i care no
no
but regardless the mom killed the son
and then like set it up to look like it
was the mom's fault
um so she's revealing all of this and
izzy is like what the [ __ ] is happening
so then
she reveals that
um
she reveals that
lucian
was not the father of
the kid
which no one would should actually be
surprised by because lucian couldn't
ejaculate because
there wasn't a knife involved correct
got it so turns out that his dad
essentially sexually assaulted the
mayor's daughter that same night
with the intention of getting her
pregnant because he needed the bloodline
to continue and he needed it to look
like it was lucian's child so that they
could continue with the research and the
secret organization whatever
so
mom reveals all of that lucian's like i
don't really care what the [ __ ] you say
that was my son
like that was my son
and so
he obviously he shows back up and he's
super upset after mom has revealed all
this to izzy
and he overheard his mother revealing
all of this okay
so then he's freaking out is he's
freaking out mom tries to stab izzy i
think he she tries to kill her in some
way
lucian steps in
and then
we have some nice symmetry that happens
um where because as we all remember
no
the book opened
with lucian being strapped down into an
insane asylum the book very nearly
closes with his mother being strapped
down in the same insane asylum
begging lucian not to leave her there
and he's like
joke's on you like you killed my son and
just tried to kill izzy right right it's
like a like an inigo montoya thing from
from princess bride like
except instead of my father it's my son
you killed my son prepare today exactly
so he leaves her there
um and then you know he and izzy just
connect and
they
he buys her a bookstore
at some point
oh i forgot that he bought her a
bookstore he did he bought her the town
bookstore
and they bang in there and that's the
end
of the book
so all right
i don't even know the way to summarize
this book
i'm gonna try and summarize it so even
though i don't know how
um izzy the daughter of the town horror
is hard up for money and goes to work
for lucian
the town recluse who is covered in scars
i forgot so he got his scars because the
night his son he found his son's dead
body and had done cpr and stuff on him
to try to revive him before the
paramedics got there and then he figured
like his son's dead he got onto his
motorcycle without any of his protective
gear and went on like a little rampage
and crashed his motorcycle and that's
how he got all his scars i forgot about
that well that makes me kind of feel sad
for him that like his son passed away so
he went out i mean the whole thing is
you know a lot of this book is sad for a
lot of reasons oh and i forgot another
thing the mom also revealed that
apparently solange was real
the the french maid was real
she was referring she said that woman
was a predator she was talking about
apparently lucian had a nanny when he
was like five or six that sexually
abused him
wait
hold on was solange the nanny when he
was five or six no no so he was sexually
abused when he was five or six and
solange was real yes i think i don't
know no here's the thing i remember
reading
well i don't really remember reading
this book but i remember being like oh
okay was he hallucinating solange was he
not oh he wasn't
but like his mom was like
it was so embarrassing to watch her like
walk through the house fawning all over
you when i'm also like was it more
embarrassing
to know that or that
she was [ __ ] your husband
with your
batons
from your baton twirling and also like
is embarrassment the emotion because i
feel like it would be more like anger
and like a protective instinct for your
child hannah really not anger is a
secondary emotion of jesus christ
so what's under what's under this anger
a desire to protect my [ __ ] kid you
know
under this anger i'm just like what the
[ __ ] is still happening in this book i
still
okay so
essentially izzy goes and works for
lucian
um
they fall in love over a period of time
he's involved in a secret society he
wants out of and then he finds out his
mother
killed his son
and
has she been faking the dementia
yeah it seems that way okay so she's
been faking the dementia and then she
tried to kill izzy yep and then she
ended up in an asylum
um which like let's also just be honest
about the state of psychiatric
hospitalization in america
um that's not really a thing i just want
to be clear about that like
you're
you're doing great if you get a 72 hour
stay in this psych hospital so so but in
in the book the asylum is run by the
secret society
so i would imagine that's different than
you know yeah than a normal asylum
asylum that doesn't exist a psychiatric
hospital in which you get a 72-hour stay
unless you're on a long-term site like
forensic psychiatric unit
um i i have stories about that as well
but those are not appropriate for a
podcast because hipaa is real sure is so
um
okay hannah how would you ultimately
rate this book i i i agree 60 40. we did
not uh we did not find a new word
was not it um moth might be it moth
could be it um although i have a moth
tattoo and it makes me unhappy to use
the word mobs i mean moths are pretty
cool like all right how many moths would
you rate this book
oh
jesus christ so i want to say like two
out of five like i want to say like two
months out of five because i still do
not know what
happened well i feel like this entire
book is just like
it's building the suspense and so you're
like going through you're like what's
gonna happen like oh my gosh like i
don't really know and like you're like
trying to solve it and then it's like
[ __ ] we have 20 pages left of this book
i guess we should wrap it up now
and then
you know what they needed more than 20
pages to wrap this up yes like did you
just like dedicate
too many pages
to other things in this book i'm
confused like i'm confused on how you
felt like this was like
cohesively completing
your narrative we dedicated too many
pages to the sea caves is what happened
solange and those [ __ ] sea caves and
the breath play got too many pages i did
not need to know that much about
solange's sea cave so
but i know it anyway
you know and well she and she was real
she was not a hallucination
i'm pretty sure
and jude was alive
he had actually died
but i don't know when or i don't know i
don't know there's still
there's still a lot of questions in this
book so i think two out of five moths is
appropriate because the the bones of the
story is really interesting like the
speaker of salt and
bones
the bones of the story
the foundation of the story is really
interesting right with like a secret
society
and this whole thing with izzy like like
the the
the idea of it is really interesting
then you get into it and it's like what
the f what's happening i almost feel
like it needed to be a duet yeah like it
needed
it needed more
pages than what we had so i'm either
like you needed to cut out a few things
to get it into like one book or you
either needed to expand upon a few
things to like actually just make it
a duet that we're like oh this makes
more sense now
um
because yeah i mean
you've read it twice i read it once
years ago and going through our
retelling today i don't feel like i'm
any closer to answers than i was years
ago
yeah you know what i'm comfortable not
having them at this point
like i'm okay with not having the
answers
that's good because you'll probably
never get them
i'm practicing a lot of radical
acceptance carrie if you're listening
like maybe just dm me and let me know
what the [ __ ] that'd be great
so
i think i think that's all they're
really i don't know if we have anything
left to say on this one
[ __ ] don't that was a journey i need
another weekend coffee
i rate it one out of five weekend
coffees two out of five mods
so
yeah carrie respond let us know
um
we'll uh i mean we we might be able to
up this to three mods with some answers
sure two weekend coffees
so
on that note thank you guys for joining
us this is always so fun and
have a good night have a good day
whatever time you're listening to this
i'm never great with the time
thanks for listening thanks
bye