What happens when parents wait until the kids are grown to divorce — and then discover their adult children are not fine with it? In this rich and eye-opening conversation, Karen sits down with Dr. Carol Hughes, clinical psychologist, two-time Fulbright Scholar, and one of the true pioneers of the collaborative divorce movement, to challenge one of the most pervasive myths in divorce: that adult children don't need the same care and intentionality that minor children do.
Dr. Hughes shares the origin story of collaborative divorce — rooted in a single letter written on January 1, 1990 by Minnesota attorney Stu Webb, who declared he was "done going to court and destroying families" — and how that moment sparked a movement that has since trained over 25,000 collaborative professionals worldwide.
Together, Karen and Dr. Hughes explore:
- Loyalty binds — what they are, how they form, and why they damage children of all ages
- The five F's — fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and feign — and how our neurological wiring pulls us toward conflict when we feel unsafe
- Gray divorce — why divorce among adults 50 and older doubled between 1990 and 2012, and what research from Bowling Green State University predicts by 2030
- The biggest myth about adult children — why "they're adults, they can handle it" is not only wrong, but harmful
- Family before finances — why starting with the children, not the money, leads to better outcomes for everyone
- The "six-year-old within" — how adult children still carry the emotional vulnerability of their younger selves, even when they appear to be coping
- Creating a divorce story — how parents can paint a picture of the future that reduces fear and uncertainty for their children
- The statement of highest intentions — a collaborative divorce tool for helping couples get clear on what they actually want the process to look like
- Practical guidance for gray divorcing parents: how to involve adult children collaboratively in planning holidays, family gatherings, and transitions — without burdening them or writing them out of the story
Dr. Hughes also opens up about her own childhood experience of her parents' divorce — including a detail that will shock modern listeners — and how an unexpected phone call from a minor's counsel changed the entire direction of her career.
Resources & Links Mentioned:
"Divorce is not a weapon — it's a tool. And when used well, it can be a tool for transformation." — Karen McNaney
What is The Good Divorce® Show?
Are you thinking about divorce? If you are, you’re probably thinking about it all wrong. The Good Divorce® Show is here to debunk the myths about divorce, give you guidance on how to navigate it without conflict and debt, and equip you to not just get divorced but to also be divorced, happily ever after. Join host and divorce coach Karen McNenny as she shares her wealth of knowledge, gets advice from other relationship experts, and profiles couples who learned how to have a Good Divorce, so you can too!