Hi, everybody.
Welcome.
This is the She Who Is Seeking podcast.
Which is a podcast for the insatiably curious Mystic, Witch and Weirdo.
Where I explore themes like spaciousness, dreams, fear and pleasure with curiosity.
What do I think I know, and perhaps more importantly, what am I missing?
What have I learned?
And what might I be able to share from my experience?
And do you have to be a Mystic, Witch or Weirdo?
Weirdo?
No.
Of course not.
But I imagine it will appeal to you more if you're open and curious
and not afraid of those words.
I'm your host and guide Meena Melissa Leigh, and I want to
welcome you into our parlor.
Grab a lovely cup of tea.
And today we're going to explore freedom.
Freedom to be a hundred percent myself.
And the claiming of freedom for you to be a hundred percent yourself.
And this is so intertwined with the bravery and rebirth stories.
And even the healing episode really.
Because it's easier to step into being yourself when you've gotten some
of the other stuff out of the way.
Or at least you're aware of what programs are running in the background.
I also feel like this could have been titled She Who Is Seeking Rebirth
Business Edition or Entrepreneur Edition.
And it's also really about stepping into your purpose.
This is about cultivating that wildness that lets our magic shine.
It's about how things like embracing wildness, is an act
of freedom and resistance.
And this story is also about how doing things my own way, rather than following
the rules and structures set by others...
Finally allowed me to get back into flow and in touch with my magic and
ready to do the work I am meant to do as a big, bad, bold, beautiful bad-ass.
I guess I should say.
If I really want to do a major alliteration.
As a big, bad, bold, beautiful.
Bad-ass business bitch.
And I bet that applies to a lot of you out there too.
And so I want to share my story with you in this way, because I think
you'll find bits of yourself here.
And I want the best for you.
I want for you to shine bright.
And when we can learn the lessons and bring them back, then we
can light the way for others.
So...
here we go.
I had been encountering a lot of stagnation, but the way I want
to show up in the world, As in-
I was proclaiming how I wanted to show up in the world and
I knew what I wanted to do.
Only it wasn't happening.
At least not in the really big ways I had been picturing.
And worse in my book, it felt like I had done all of the things.
Figure it outmy "whys", journaled about the barriers, affirmed it was my time
for this- blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And it was obnoxious and annoying because it felt, and I mean,
truly felt ,like I was doing everything that I possibly could.
And yet there was that dreaded disconnect.
So this episode is about the rebirth through healing and the birthing
of freedom I've been experiencing as a human and entrepreneur.
One who has to earn a living in this world, and who wants to do
the work as my authentic self.
I insist upon the freedom to be me.
And I want that for you too.
Life is too precious to waste on pretending to be somebody you're not.
Or what I was doing.
Hiding parts of yourself that really make you, you.
There's big and small ways in which this shows up in our everyday life, right?
Trying to fit in, or make people more comfortable.
Maybe hiding something about ourselves that we know might not land with someone.
So, this definitely had been showing up in all of my life.
But it really hit home when I thought about how it applies to
me as a spiritual entrepreneur.
And if you aren't an entrepreneur or self-employed, I'm sure you can imagine
whatever applicable stand in you like, 'cause I bet that you'll be able to see
how it's relating to a part of your life.
Because when I've worked with people, these same kind of
things pop up again and again.
So, here's some background.
I never have had a problem with working and I especially love to get in flow and
make 190 of whatever it is at a time.
And I get into this zone where I create and time stands still.
And I forget to eat and all of that.
And I've always been that way.
Or, if I'm leaning into something I'm all in.
I've always been a part-time hustler or a busy bee.
I've had a jewelry company, and I've had one where I made soaps and
bath salts ,and I had doll making and bookbinding and mixed media,
art collage, all sorts of things.
But there was always a part of me that was not as committed to getting paid
as making the items, or doing the work.
And I would even offer crazy discounts or giveaways, or give things away as gifts.
And I did a lot of trades.
And it was bonkers.
And is it just that I love creating beauty, and using my hands,
or the idea of a little shop?
Well, sort of, I mean, somewhat- that's part of it.
But in doing healing work years and years ago, I learned that this is very common.
And often it's due to a self-worth issue.
As in, I don't deserve to make money doing something I love.
Or something that's related to a lack mentality.
Where you just can't imagine ever being in flow, or in abundance.
And sometimes it's super subconscious and you have no idea you're even doing it.
Other times you kind to know, but you don't know how to fix it.
So, whatever the case, my guess is all of that's true for myself to some degree.
And I did have much more fun doing the work than asking for payment.
The problem with that is something I'm sure that you've already figured out.
Which is, how do you pay your bills?
And pay for your life.
If you're not charging appropriately for your work.
The short answer.
You don't.
So I think we've honed in on some issues.
Self-worth, confidence, focus.
Even if there's not a solution yet there, we can kind of see the problem, yes?
So one of the other issues that I uncovered for myself was the fact
that I needed to fully be able to support myself and my children.
But back then, I didn't feel like I had the qualifications to do so.
So when I found myself suddenly a single mom, I was reeling from heartbreak.
See the episode on healing, and I knew I needed to clear myself, so I could be
a conduit for healing for my children.
And we were all hurting.
It was covering us like a blanket.
And this started me on the path of trainings and certifications and
up leveling my skills in Reiki.
Shamanic healing work, yoga, sound healing.
I did a lot of space clearing, hands-on healing.
I did an amazing full-blown life coaching program, which was super cool.
It was centered around a five point elemental system.
And I've done learning and herbalism.
All of that was done on weekends and evenings or when the kids were in
school or whenever I have spare time.
And the training's built on skills I already had.
And I've been practicing mystical arts in some way for basically my whole life.
But it felt like there was a lot of remembering.
Or learning words for things that maybe I was already doing, but I didn't
know how to describe what I was doing.
So I think it was really worth it.
And I was learning so much and loving it.
Meeting amazing people.
Healing myself along the way.
It was amazing.
I could listen to my friends and hold space for them all day long.
Offered advice and reflect their growth back to them.
I was always assured I was ready to start earning money using these
gifts and talents by my teachers, and I knew that as well, but it always
felt like it wasn't enough training.
That's just definitely how I am.
I've always wanted to know everything.
I want to learn it.
Talk to people about it ,by all the stuff.
If there's a magazine, I want it.
A conference.
Yes, I'm booking a ticket right now.
All of it.
I want to do all of it.
Stay up late ,night after night, diving deeper, going down rabbit
holes of hidden knowledge.
And I bet this is sounding familiar for a lot of you.
And I was looking for some way to test or quantify my knowledge.
It's just who I am, I suppose.
Part of this was the eternal student.
You know, the one who doesn't want to graduate and get a job.
So they'd rather just keep learning and we all know those people, and
maybe all of us are those people.
So hopefully this next bit is true for you as well.
I've always had big dreams for myself.
I could always see a path forward.
Where I was living a beautiful and colorful life.
So what was getting in the way?
It is true that I was afraid I would fail or perhaps even scarier succeed.
But why is succeeding?
Scary?
Well, Because if I succeeded, then that would mean everyone
would be able to see me.
To see my truth.
See my vulnerabilities.
Okay.
So number one.
Fear.
The next one makes me sound kind of like an asshole, but.
And we'll just do it together.
I've always had a knack for attracting amazing people to me.
Some are brilliant or rich, famous, accomplished, funny, amazing people.
And ,you know, they thought I was cool and worth their time, but I
had a hard time letting that in and feeling like I was actually worthy.
And why am I being so painfully in embarrassing, transparent?
Well, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not the only one here who
has felt that at some point, right?
Everyone around you is published, or known and accomplished.
Maybe they're further in thier career or attaining their life goals.
And it can be very confronting.
It wasn't that I felt unworthy.
And definitely, I didn't feel unworthy of them per se.
But it was just, I don't know, I didn't feel up to snuff for a long time.
So.
Issue number two.
Self-worth.
I had gained skills.
And I was doing work for healers and teachers.
And so I should've realized I was good to go and launch an amazing career.
Like now, right?
Well, Let's queue the industrial standard...
the I'm a fraud free for all.
The dreaded and yet incredibly common...
imposter syndrome.
And it's like the common cold of the healer world.
It is so incredibly common and all over the place.
And I think it's hard to find somebody who hasn't had it, at least once
or twice pop up in their lives.
So issue three.
Is Imposter syndrome.
And it didn't help that I had such amazing aspirations.
All of the things that I wanted to do were so big, that it ended up
feeling a little bit impossible.
What's the next step?
Where do I start?
Well, the business stuff was hard.
So I did business courses.
When I would see the people that I had been in the business cohorts
with, and I saw that they had like a kajillion followers, part of me
wanted to see that as proof that they were meant for this kind of work.
And I wasn't.
And obviously that's not true, but...
That is issue four.
Compare and despair.
When in reality, it is a lot more complicated than that.
When we have this innate sense of worth.
It's easier to see bullshit for what it is.
I had days of clear vision and days shrouded in real pain.
The pain that can lead to a little bit of self pity and you feel me ,right?
I'm a tenacious entrepreneur.
With the chaotic neutral attachment pattern, some days.
And finally for the first time I was seeing my attachment pattern,
really getting in the way.
I would make great strides forward, then I would freeze and retreat.
I knew what I wanted to do with my life.
And I knew I wanted to fulfill my purpose.
Those people in my business cohorts did the things that they were supposed to do.
They posted on their Instagram and they did lives and made
videos and offered services.
Out in the open.
To everyone, and they gained followers and they gained traction.
They gained experience, and I'm sure it wasn't all cookies and success.
But you see what you want to see.
The real problem wasn't the one that I was actually worrying about.
I wasn't seeing what I wasn't doing.
I saw the ways in which I was letting myself down...
the massive amounts of scheduled posts and Instagram lives, I felt I should be doing.
But what I needed to do was reevaluate my life.
My gifts, my focus, my skills.
When I describe myself as chaotic neutral, and a tenacious entrepreneur.
It was true.
But so is this.
Something I saw clearly when I thought about it was this.
I've had a long life of lessons.
I've lived through pain and suffering that has made me tough and
burnished bright like glossy marble.
All of the whipping of life has been like a buffing cloth.
My life shines, and it shines bright.
Even the armature inside of this sculpture might be jenky and
made of cheap wire and duct tape.
But at this point, there are so many layers of love and life, and
insights and learnings, that I can hold my own as a work of art.
I am strong.
And I am capable.
And I've literally never done the things"the right way".
I'm a rule breaker.
I have the heart of a peaceful anarchist.
I hate rules for the sake of rules.
I hate following the crowd or arbitrary "You have to do it this ways".
To be clear, I'm not a full anarchist, more of a, that rule is
dumb, so I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear it- type person.
So ,it's not about personal freedom, but righting wrongs.
I don't see the value in upholding punitive, punishing, hateful,
hurtful laws, just because somebody put their stamp of approval on it.
It's a tiny digression, but I stand by it.
So much of my life, I have felt like an outcast.
The one who didn't belong.
The black sheep, the lone Wolf.
The wallflower, the weirdo.
I felt like every time I met someone, I stuck my foot in my mouth.
And that is true.
I could give you instances, but they're like, Embarrassing.
And that's not what we're talking about right now.
So as for the outcast thing, it's not really true.
I was just with the wrong people.
I'm not too much.
I was just too much for them.
And side note.
If you feel yourself feeling like you are too much, then I would
advise you to look at your circle.
Maybe they just can't handle that big, beautiful you.
The way this story was unfolding in my life was circuitous and winding,
but I began to see a through-line that I had completely missed.
Which is this.
So if I'm a Renegade.
And a rule breaker.
A weirdo.
Why was I trying to do things the way that they want me to, or the way
that business models say you should?
I mean, that worked for them, but I'm me.
So whenever I imagine the best version of my life, I was being me, all of me.
Wild ,free, untamed, authentic.
And making a life for me ,and for my little family.
Leading by example, being my whole brave self.
That me plays by my own rules, thinks with this weird brain,
and dances, wherever I want.
And I always have, and I'm so sorry, mom.
I know the supermarket dancing was a lot and you don't like people
looking at us, but, couldn't help it.
So.
Certainly I don't have to follow the rules.
I never have.
I never will.
And then there's that fear?
What if I never make money or I'm shunned?
Or I fall on my face?
Or I end up in the poor house?
Well, I would say doubtful.
I guess we'll see.
But, I think you want that too!
I think we all want to live out our wild dreams on our own terms.
So, why don't we just do it?
The old ways are toppling.
The gatekeeping of the Piscean age.
Has been dying out for a long time coming to an end, and the Aquarian age has been
setting up the freedoms for new access.
And we all agree to play this game of life.
And I really do believe that.
Collective consciousness keeps the ball rolling and time ticking.
If enough of us believe we can change the world...
can't we?
Won't we?
The structures that were in place to keep us quiet and tame
got shaken up with the pandemic.
When we were all at home and had time to look inward.
Many of us saw that we were supporting systems that were
not in line with our values.
We woke up.
After any huge awakening.
We see ripples and echoes of it from then on.
It's not linear or perfect.
But it moves forward always more forward than back.
The country didn't go back to hats and gloves after the hippies Fucked shit up.
They left more freedom and openness in their wake and opened up a vein
of consciousness that echoes still.
Try as they might.
You can't stuff the genie back in the bottle.
So, yes, I'm going to try to do things a little differently this time around.
Because when I'm in my truth, I'm in my power.
And so are you!
This has been the she who is seeking podcast.
And it is the love child of me, Meena Melissa Leigh, and all the
views, ideas and thoughts are my own.
And I would love, love, love if you would come over and find me on Instagram
or Tik TOK@shewhoisseeking, and if you enjoyed this episode, please share
it with someone who might like it!
It would be greatly appreciated!
And if you are the people who were in Australia or Russia or the
Netherlands or somewhere else, cool...
I'm seeing you on the map and it's so exciting.
Send me a message.
I would love to give you a shout out, or even if you live in a totally
normal place and you want to shout out.
send me a message over an Instagram.
And, um, I'll give you a little call out at the end.
And the music is the beautiful song, Snake River by Siren and the Sea.
And please remember it's up to you to make good choices about your life and health.
And I am so rooting for you.
And I love you.
And I want you to go in peace and power.
Victory to the Goddess.
And Blessed Be!
If you're still here, this is for you.
I was afraid to let you see me.
The magnitude of my scheme.
How big my wings were in that show.
What a big role I had written for myself.
It's spanned books and books of journals.
Written in different inky voices.
Angry elated, haunted.
But I pick the best parts.
And I knew the meat was in the story.
The framework pinned down and now fleshed out.
With what I was hoping was wisdom.
That's the thing.
You can't get a sense of it.
I put it on like the emperor's new clothes and walked on stage.
Where they dapper?
Was I stunning?
But only You know, what You see.
For me, it wasn't the show.
I just wanted, to for once, say my lines out loud.