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you stayed regulated and then you co regulated

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so the only way a dysregulated child

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can get back on course they have to have

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hopefully a parent who can regulate with them

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to get cause then you asked her question

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so she could get out of here

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back into her prefrontal cortex

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beautiful interesting

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welcome back to raising men

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Doctor Michelle Watson Canfield is a national speaker

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author and licensed professional counselor

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with over 30 years of experience

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helping men become more connected

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and intentional fathers

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she's the founder of the ABBA Project

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a forum for dads of daughters in their teens and 20s

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and the host of the Dad Whisperer podcast

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alongside her husband Doctor Ken Canfield

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she co chairs the Father Daughter Initiative

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at the National Center for fathering

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her best selling books dad

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here's what I really need from you and let's talk

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have equipped thousands of men

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to bridge the emotional gap with their daughters

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and in the process heal their own wounds

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welcome to raising men Doctor Canfield

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I'm so glad to be here and you can call me Michelle hey

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OK I will

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I will call you I will call you

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you know what you worked hard for that title

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so I'll call you Doctor Michelle how's that

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I know how much work that is

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so Doctor Michelle this is a

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this is a real treat we were talking about the

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the podcast is about raising men

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but the focus of your work has always

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has also been about has always been about daughters

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I'd love to understand

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what is similar and dissimilar about that

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so what

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first opened your eyes to the unique dynamic

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between dads and daughters

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and how did you get into this

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well you know

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I've I've been mentoring and kind of

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coaching young women and teenagers since I was 19

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I'm now mid 60s so do the math

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that's a long time over 45 years

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which simply means I'm old

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I mean I once heard Oprah Winfrey say

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the best invention of the 20th century

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guess what hair colour

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ha ha ha ha you know what I

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I can see that I can see that

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I look much older if I went grey

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but anyways I digress

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so anyway so I've

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I've invested in teenage

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and young adult women for a long time

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in different roles and then

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when I became a professional counselor in my late 30s

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really where I've dialed in is

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is with women young women

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teenage women and I'm the oldest of four daughters

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so I've really a lot of estrogen

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a lot of being on my planet of Venus

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and so when I was 49 I

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I begin to realize that

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so many of my counseling clients

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if you trace back what their issues were or are

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even currently it's often a father void

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where dad missed filling their love tank

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or connecting with their heart

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or a dad wound where there had been injury

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and so whether it's emotional sexual

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spiritual even spiritual abuse

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those kinds of things and so one day

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I was actually reading my Bible at Christmas time

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and read about this guy named John the Baptist

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who was gonna turn the hearts

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not the heads of fathers to their daughter

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and the light bulb went on

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I went

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I think a lot of men don't know how to turn a heart

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and men are really good at turning head their head

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which I say men

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we need your mind you help us

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help us fill out fast as

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for college or specs on a car to get the best one

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and read a map and I

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I know that's a little gender stereotypical

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but still I'm saying

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by and large I want to affirm men always and say

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you bring gifts to the world that we as women need

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and yet this whole idea of turning a heart

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is something that a lot of men

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I've coached and counseled and been with

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at conferences and I write to them

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they'll say yeah yeah

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that's not quite my strong suit

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I don't even know what that means

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and so in January of 10

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after kind of that aha moment about the heart turning

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I emailed 11 dads

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whose daughters at the time were my counseling clients

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in their teens or 20s and asked these men

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many of whom I'd never met

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how would you like to join me once a month

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for six months to see if there's a change in you

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your daughter or your relationship

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and guess what Sean

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I bet they all said sign me up

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ten of the 11 said yes we ended up going a year

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wow and I never had any curriculum

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I didn't have any idea of where I was going

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but every month I just wrote it down

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I know this sounds like promo

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but really I'm just saying dad

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this is a resource for you

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I put all of that into this book

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and I wrote it in Martian right

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I flew to your planet they're all really short chapters

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they're like two pages that's a whole chapter

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I've been men go perfect

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I read two chapters last night

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I'm like rock on

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I wrote it with that in mind

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so men could feel like they accomplished something

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but really I did that for 10 years in Portland

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before moving now to Arkansas

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but I continue to do dad daughter Friday blogs

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I've done that since 14 wrote a second book

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I speak at men's conferences

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I coach men so

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I am

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I'm passionate like you are about equipping men to lead

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yeah oh

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I love that so much I think

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what are

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what do you see as the similarities

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or differences

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between how dads need to show up for their daughters

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and how dads should be showing up for their sons

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you know much of it is obviously the same

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you're the same man true with

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with your same history with your same triggers

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with your same assets and liabilities right

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like you're all still the same you

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so in many ways

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showing up for your kids means showing up for your kids

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being present is the present

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it's the gift right

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but at the same time and you have a daughter and a son

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and you and I were even talking before this recording

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you're like it's different

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yeah every man I

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I can't think of one I've ever talked to

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who has said something other than

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it's different yeah

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and what I love is that many men say

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it's almost like a different portal to my heart

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uh huh sort of activated or opened up with a daughter

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it's just different and so

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that's where again

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I want to equip men with different skill sets

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to be more dialed in at a heart level

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like I said about heart turns to their daughter's needs

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because think of it men

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you either we're married to a daughter

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you're going to get married to a daughter

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you were married and aren't married anymore

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to a daughter

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and maybe you still have issues with that

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you know baby mama

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cause you you still are interacting with her

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and she's living out of her father wounds

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in fact I've asked at men's conferences recently

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I've asked this with my Ava Project Dad's group

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give me a show of hands

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how many of you would say the woman you're married to

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were married to either way has dad issues

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yeah most of the time

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almost every hand goes up yeah

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so I'm like men

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why do you not want to put time

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investment energy

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into learning how to raise your daughter and your son

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who will be relating to women throughout his life

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why not learn a skill set as a dad of a daughter

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that will benefit you with all your relationships

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because being more soft more tender

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more emotive better listener

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that will make you a better man

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by what you learn in pursuing your daughter's heart

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but it extends to all your relationships

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yeah the metaphor that uh

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that occurred to me at one point in time about this

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and I'd love to get your feedback about this is

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you know when I grew up

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it felt like masculinity was about strength

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and it was about projecting strength

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and it was almost like we view ourselves as a castle

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and masculinity was about how thick the walls are

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and how tall the walls are

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and how impenetrable the walls are

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and so essentially

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you're bragging about how no army can just can

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can break into this castle

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but almost by definition in order to be that strong

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the castle walls have to be very

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very small and they only can encompass this tiny

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little building of your castle

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and wow that's great

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you have this

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these impenetrable walls surrounding this tiny

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little castle that really can't do much

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and nowadays I think

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our eyes are opened up to the fact that

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it's not about how thick the walls are

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it's about how big the enclosure is

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what you really want is the walls to

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cover as much space as possible

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so you can have villages in there that thrive

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and that means by necessity

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that you're gonna look at the way

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to be a man differently you are going to

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the walls have to be smaller

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they have to be they have to encompass more area

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they have to be farther out

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they have to have more fertile land in there

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what do you think about that metaphor

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you know it's interesting

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when you first started talking about that Sean

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my the thought that came to me

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which I don't think

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necessarily lines up with your metaphor

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but I was thinking about the like

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I think every person has walls

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but I like how you're saying maybe it's more communal

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but I think even individually

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we all put up walls when we don't feel safe

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and so I I was thinking more like individually

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every man what are his walls look like

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and if a if he has a drawbridge

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from his heart to his daughter's heart

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she'll know she can approach you at any time

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and your drawbridge will go down

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00:10:04,933 --> 00:10:06,133
and that's what I was thinking

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when you were giving that metaphor

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yeah

251
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yeah I think yeah

252
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I think that's right I think that's right

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you know I

254
00:10:13,266 --> 00:10:15,566
one of the things that you've written about

255
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that really resonated with me

256
00:10:17,733 --> 00:10:21,100
is that men often freeze

257
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rather than fail

258
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:25,933
and so I'm wondering

259
00:10:25,933 --> 00:10:29,900
how do you find that men are best able to

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you know move for that like

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like you you

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you have your daughter come up to you

263
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:35,366
and she's freaking out or

264
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or she's she's seeking connection

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and you don't know the best way to bridge that

266
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and so you freeze how do you

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00:10:43,933 --> 00:10:44,766
how do you think about that

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how do you get around that

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00:10:45,966 --> 00:10:47,233
yeah that's a great question

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let me first say the phrase that I've often said to men

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I've written about it talked about it

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just so I can take what you just said it

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and put it in my words which is from my

274
00:10:57,933 --> 00:11:00,000
now almost 16 years of traveling

275
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,633
from my planet of Venus to your planet of Mars

276
00:11:02,633 --> 00:11:04,733
so I'm bilingual I speak Venusian

277
00:11:04,733 --> 00:11:05,533
my native tongue and a bit

278
00:11:05,533 --> 00:11:06,966
of Martian sure is

279
00:11:06,966 --> 00:11:10,066
here's one of my observations of Mars and Martians

280
00:11:10,066 --> 00:11:11,033
is that often

281
00:11:11,033 --> 00:11:15,066
men would rather do nothing than do it wrong yeah

282
00:11:15,933 --> 00:11:18,233
and you men are smart enough to know

283
00:11:18,233 --> 00:11:19,700
when you're making it worse

284
00:11:19,966 --> 00:11:21,466
a daughter's having a meltdown

285
00:11:21,466 --> 00:11:24,333
you're trying to help she gets more angry

286
00:11:24,333 --> 00:11:25,033
more upset

287
00:11:25,033 --> 00:11:27,433
more emotional and you're smart enough to go

288
00:11:27,433 --> 00:11:27,733
you know what

289
00:11:27,733 --> 00:11:31,166
I'm gonna back up back up back off and let mom go in

290
00:11:31,166 --> 00:11:34,566
she's a girl she'll do better no

291
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:35,466
no no

292
00:11:35,466 --> 00:11:37,066
no that's what I wanna talk about

293
00:11:37,066 --> 00:11:37,966
the freeze here in a minute

294
00:11:37,966 --> 00:11:38,566
but so yeah

295
00:11:38,566 --> 00:11:40,333
because the signal that you're sending to her is

296
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:42,733
I'm not here for you for that totally

297
00:11:42,733 --> 00:11:46,133
you're too much when you can calm yourself down

298
00:11:46,166 --> 00:11:48,466
then we can have a valid conversation

299
00:11:48,466 --> 00:11:50,433
or then I'm approachable

300
00:11:50,466 --> 00:11:52,166
so that's the drawbridge if you will

301
00:11:52,166 --> 00:11:53,466
going back up right yeah

302
00:11:53,466 --> 00:11:55,600
you figure it out then I'll be here

303
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:58,633
but so what I want to say to you men is so again

304
00:11:58,633 --> 00:12:00,666
men would rather do nothing than do it wrong

305
00:12:00,666 --> 00:12:01,200
but you know what

306
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,666
you're smart enough to know that doing nothing

307
00:12:03,666 --> 00:12:05,566
actually is doing it wrong

308
00:12:05,966 --> 00:12:08,166
so I I found a lot of men that I've coached

309
00:12:08,166 --> 00:12:11,233
dads will say I know I'm not doing it right

310
00:12:11,233 --> 00:12:13,866
but I have no idea what to do different

311
00:12:13,966 --> 00:12:15,533
and so that's the piece that I say

312
00:12:15,533 --> 00:12:17,466
I wanna help you do it right

313
00:12:17,466 --> 00:12:18,766
cause I know that's what you

314
00:12:18,766 --> 00:12:19,466
want

315
00:12:19,466 --> 00:12:21,933
and think about all the action figures that you loved

316
00:12:21,933 --> 00:12:23,833
when you were little who was your favorite Sean

317
00:12:26,633 --> 00:12:29,166
Snake Eyes from G I Joe okay

318
00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:32,233
there you go would you have liked Snake Eyes

319
00:12:32,233 --> 00:12:34,966
if he didn't take action no

320
00:12:34,966 --> 00:12:37,366
that was the in fact Snake Eyes didn't even talk

321
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:42,200
okay but he moved he took action he got it done

322
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,466
so if if you're as a dad you as a dad

323
00:12:44,466 --> 00:12:48,466
wanna be a hero to your daughter to your son

324
00:12:48,466 --> 00:12:50,133
you have to take action

325
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:53,333
and I think this bridges over to to the freeze response

326
00:12:53,366 --> 00:12:55,633
which is actually something in our nervous system

327
00:12:55,866 --> 00:12:58,200
where this is the middle part of our brain

328
00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,700
where we have a emotion

329
00:12:59,966 --> 00:13:03,033
and when we get really triggered is the word you know

330
00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:05,966
pull the trigger it's there's a loaded gun

331
00:13:06,233 --> 00:13:07,700
when we get triggered emotionally

332
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:11,133
we we flood it's called this prefrontal cortex

333
00:13:11,133 --> 00:13:12,066
which is where we think

334
00:13:12,066 --> 00:13:13,833
and have good reasoning and judgment

335
00:13:13,833 --> 00:13:15,533
and make good decisions yeah

336
00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:19,233
we go offline and so a lot of us myself included

337
00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:21,366
Anger's been one I've dealt with a lot in my life

338
00:13:21,366 --> 00:13:23,133
it's kind of a go to for me

339
00:13:23,133 --> 00:13:28,266
but that anger response often then men you're flooded

340
00:13:28,266 --> 00:13:31,033
and it it may not look like you're in freeze

341
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:34,466
that you're more in fight or flight is the leave

342
00:13:34,466 --> 00:13:37,233
freeze is you just don't know what to do or say

343
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:40,166
and then fawn is the last one

344
00:13:40,166 --> 00:13:43,366
which is more like you implode and just give in alright

345
00:13:43,366 --> 00:13:46,366
a surrendered posture so on the freeze

346
00:13:46,666 --> 00:13:48,066
that might be some of the men go

347
00:13:48,066 --> 00:13:50,400
I don't actually freeze I go into fight sure

348
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,366
or some of the men go I go into flight

349
00:13:52,366 --> 00:13:55,366
I'm just out of there I'm not even gonna fight anymore

350
00:13:55,366 --> 00:13:57,466
cause it's not worth it I'm out

351
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:01,300
so that's your own history in forming your response man

352
00:14:01,333 --> 00:14:03,433
yeah that's your own stuff

353
00:14:03,433 --> 00:14:04,066
so again

354
00:14:04,066 --> 00:14:09,466
to be a proactive dad is where you're first of all

355
00:14:09,466 --> 00:14:12,033
mindful that that's what's happening inside of you

356
00:14:12,033 --> 00:14:15,033
I often say ask yourself zero to 10

357
00:14:15,033 --> 00:14:16,900
what number are you right now

358
00:14:17,266 --> 00:14:21,266
be honest about your own activated nervous system yeah

359
00:14:21,266 --> 00:14:23,800
and so if you're stuck at an 8

360
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:24,733
9 10

361
00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:28,433
it's always old stuff it's always your own history

362
00:14:28,433 --> 00:14:30,266
even though it seems like it's your daughter

363
00:14:30,266 --> 00:14:31,833
or your son that pushed the button

364
00:14:31,833 --> 00:14:33,666
cause think about it when you're driving a car

365
00:14:33,666 --> 00:14:35,766
if you have a red light come on the dashboard

366
00:14:36,233 --> 00:14:37,766
you could get out a hammer and go

367
00:14:37,766 --> 00:14:39,133
I hate red lights I'm bashing

368
00:14:39,133 --> 00:14:41,066
I'm gonna destroy the red light yeah

369
00:14:41,066 --> 00:14:41,766
destroy the red light

370
00:14:41,766 --> 00:14:45,333
or I'm gonna get out of the car and unplug the wiring

371
00:14:45,333 --> 00:14:47,933
because I don't like being signaled yeah

372
00:14:47,933 --> 00:14:50,866
but wisdom says you lift up the car

373
00:14:50,866 --> 00:14:51,733
you know the hood of the car

374
00:14:51,733 --> 00:14:54,600
you look inside at the wiring to say

375
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,000
what's going on that needs attention

376
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:57,800
what is the signal trying

377
00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,766
to tell me it's the same with your kids

378
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:03,466
so it's it's legitimate if you have a freeze response

379
00:15:03,466 --> 00:15:04,033
I would guess

380
00:15:04,033 --> 00:15:06,166
you probably Learned that in your childhood

381
00:15:06,733 --> 00:15:08,466
and yet

382
00:15:08,466 --> 00:15:10,666
being mindful of that is the first place to start

383
00:15:10,666 --> 00:15:13,366
No. 2 I've got some tricks up my sleeve

384
00:15:13,366 --> 00:15:16,466
how to help a body calm down

385
00:15:16,466 --> 00:15:17,566
do you wanna hear those

386
00:15:17,566 --> 00:15:19,966
you'll have to get out of the freeze okay

387
00:15:20,266 --> 00:15:22,700
do you any of you remember I'm gonna ask you Sean

388
00:15:22,833 --> 00:15:23,933
do you remember when you were a kid

389
00:15:23,933 --> 00:15:25,766
did you ever do going on a bear hunt

390
00:15:25,766 --> 00:15:27,466
where you tap on your legs

391
00:15:27,633 --> 00:15:29,433
going on a bear hunt

392
00:15:29,433 --> 00:15:32,800
going on a bear hunt I'm not afraid

393
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:34,233
did you ever do that you know

394
00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:37,733
once or twice but it wasn't a central thing okay

395
00:15:37,733 --> 00:15:39,266
but okay so think about it says

396
00:15:39,266 --> 00:15:40,800
I'm not afraid cause I got my gun

397
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,700
meaning I've got something to self protect right

398
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,600
and then it says can't go under it can't go over it

399
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,533
can't go around it gotta go through it

400
00:15:49,966 --> 00:15:52,733
such wisdom in that childhood clip

401
00:15:52,733 --> 00:15:54,100
so anyway with this

402
00:15:54,166 --> 00:15:56,466
what you can do to calm yourself

403
00:15:56,466 --> 00:15:58,466
when you're like freaking out

404
00:15:58,566 --> 00:16:01,433
you're like I've told you 50 million times

405
00:16:01,433 --> 00:16:04,166
not to put your shoes in the doorway

406
00:16:04,166 --> 00:16:06,266
I just got home it was a stressful day

407
00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:09,100
I walk in and I tripped and the dad

408
00:16:09,233 --> 00:16:10,266
you use the dad are like

409
00:16:10,266 --> 00:16:12,033
how many times am I not gonna be heard in this

410
00:16:12,033 --> 00:16:13,333
house yeah

411
00:16:13,466 --> 00:16:17,666
and you you overcompensate right by maybe getting angry

412
00:16:17,666 --> 00:16:20,166
yeah when if you trace that you're like OK yeah

413
00:16:20,166 --> 00:16:23,033
I'm not my best right now that yeah

414
00:16:23,033 --> 00:16:26,966
I'm at a 9 okay you can do the going online

415
00:16:26,966 --> 00:16:28,266
you can tap on your like

416
00:16:28,266 --> 00:16:30,066
it's called bilateral stimulation

417
00:16:30,066 --> 00:16:32,066
like we do in REM sleep it's back and forth

418
00:16:32,066 --> 00:16:34,266
right left our eyes go back and forth yeah

419
00:16:34,266 --> 00:16:39,433
to calm ourselves go for a walk before you blow

420
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:43,066
you gotta go like get yourself grounded like yeah

421
00:16:43,066 --> 00:16:46,566
you can do this is maybe sounds maybe feminized

422
00:16:46,566 --> 00:16:49,033
but it isn't it's a skill it's a ladybug

423
00:16:50,533 --> 00:16:53,400
breathe in blow out like

424
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:54,733
you gotta calm yourself

425
00:16:54,733 --> 00:16:57,233
and get the oxygen mask on you first

426
00:16:57,333 --> 00:16:59,966
so that you can be the dad you wanna be to your kids

427
00:17:00,533 --> 00:17:02,566
yeah the the metaphor that I like to use for

428
00:17:02,566 --> 00:17:06,566
for that is we have two different brains in us right

429
00:17:06,566 --> 00:17:08,633
you've talked about that the prefrontal cortex and and

430
00:17:08,633 --> 00:17:11,000
and the limbic system yep

431
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:11,833
and so the the Olympic system is like your Conan

432
00:17:11,833 --> 00:17:13,400
so the the limbic system is like your cone

433
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:14,700
the barbarian brain

434
00:17:14,933 --> 00:17:18,733
and you need that to fight the saber tooth tiger or

435
00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:21,733
you know get out of the way of the oncoming car

436
00:17:21,933 --> 00:17:23,500
and it's the place where the emotional signals are

437
00:17:27,166 --> 00:17:27,966
the meaning

438
00:17:28,666 --> 00:17:29,366
right the

439
00:17:29,366 --> 00:17:32,933
the the fear that happens when you see the car coming

440
00:17:33,766 --> 00:17:36,866
you don't have time to inspect oh

441
00:17:36,866 --> 00:17:37,633
what is this fear

442
00:17:37,633 --> 00:17:40,966
trying to tell me about my deeper sense of being

443
00:17:40,966 --> 00:17:42,533
or whatever it is it is

444
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:43,933
oh my gosh there's an oncoming car

445
00:17:43,933 --> 00:17:46,033
I have to grab my kid and jump out of the way

446
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,633
and then the prefrontal cortex is like

447
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:50,933
your Sherlock Holmes brain

448
00:17:51,933 --> 00:17:55,466
and in our modern world the vast majority of the time

449
00:17:55,466 --> 00:17:58,433
you'll get better results and have a better time

450
00:17:58,433 --> 00:18:00,033
and have a better life

451
00:18:00,166 --> 00:18:02,666
if you stay in Sherlock Holmes brain

452
00:18:02,766 --> 00:18:06,733
but everything wants to drop you into that cone

453
00:18:06,733 --> 00:18:09,100
in the barbarian brain everything

454
00:18:09,366 --> 00:18:09,633
yeah and

455
00:18:09,633 --> 00:18:12,533
and so this the

456
00:18:12,533 --> 00:18:16,533
the going on a bear hunt thing is a way

457
00:18:16,533 --> 00:18:17,766
when you recognize oh

458
00:18:17,766 --> 00:18:20,133
this is this is getting

459
00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:22,633
I'm dropping myself into Conan brain now

460
00:18:23,133 --> 00:18:25,000
I need to get out of that and

461
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,533
and that's a

462
00:18:26,533 --> 00:18:28,733
that's a good technique to get you back into Sherlock

463
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:31,800
Holmes brain the fact is that I literally have never

464
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,633
in my entire life I can't think of a single time

465
00:18:34,633 --> 00:18:36,466
where I acted out of Conan

466
00:18:36,466 --> 00:18:37,633
the barbarian brain

467
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:41,466
and that was the right thing to do

468
00:18:41,466 --> 00:18:42,466
I can't think of a single time

469
00:18:42,466 --> 00:18:44,366
and maybe there are some where

470
00:18:44,366 --> 00:18:45,433
you know you know

471
00:18:45,433 --> 00:18:48,000
I was reacting to something in the road

472
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,766
or something like that with my car

473
00:18:49,833 --> 00:18:51,400
and I I don't have visibility into it

474
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:54,233
but but certainly in interpersonal relationships

475
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:56,633
going on the barbarian brain makes things worse

476
00:18:56,866 --> 00:19:00,633
absolutely you won't regret waiting to respond

477
00:19:00,633 --> 00:19:02,200
till after your midbrain

478
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,166
that limbic system has cooled down

479
00:19:04,166 --> 00:19:07,933
yeah so think about when your kid was 3

480
00:19:07,933 --> 00:19:10,433
you give them a three minute timeout yeah

481
00:19:10,433 --> 00:19:12,566
if you're 5 you give them a five minute timeout

482
00:19:12,566 --> 00:19:16,066
if you're 45 you need a 45 minute

483
00:19:16,066 --> 00:19:18,533
you need a 45 minute time out for your

484
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:21,466
for that corner of the barbarian brain to calm down

485
00:19:21,566 --> 00:19:23,200
and anything you can do with right

486
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,566
left hemisphere movement go for a walk

487
00:19:25,566 --> 00:19:27,133
pace in the room

488
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:31,333
tap your legs bringing that nervous system

489
00:19:31,333 --> 00:19:34,133
back into somewhat of an equilibrium

490
00:19:34,133 --> 00:19:36,200
you will be the dad you wanna be

491
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,200
where you are more regulated

492
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:39,833
because you all know this

493
00:19:39,833 --> 00:19:41,933
but more is caught than what

494
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,866
so they're watching you and I think sometimes

495
00:19:46,866 --> 00:19:49,466
it can be a bit of a mixed message

496
00:19:49,466 --> 00:19:51,733
when a dad is saying to his kids

497
00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:54,166
calm down stop being angry

498
00:19:54,166 --> 00:19:57,133
stop fighting but yet you aren't yeah

499
00:19:57,133 --> 00:19:58,966
you're yelling at them calm down

500
00:19:59,233 --> 00:20:01,600
yeah you're not giving the same directives to yourself

501
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:02,366
so right

502
00:20:02,366 --> 00:20:04,366
just a reminder here okay

503
00:20:04,366 --> 00:20:07,566
here's some practical ways that you can calm yourself

504
00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:10,866
so that you do speak in love

505
00:20:10,866 --> 00:20:12,633
and do speak in the way

506
00:20:12,633 --> 00:20:14,933
that aligns with the core of who you are

507
00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:17,633
yeah yeah I think

508
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:20,133
you know and then

509
00:20:20,266 --> 00:20:21,433
we're not

510
00:20:22,033 --> 00:20:24,333
taught these techniques

511
00:20:24,666 --> 00:20:28,566
to get ourselves out of cone and brain

512
00:20:29,233 --> 00:20:32,500
and in fact when I was young

513
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:37,000
it was almost like it was virtuous to be in Kona Brain

514
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,766
because again that was being strong

515
00:20:38,766 --> 00:20:39,933
that was being a man

516
00:20:39,966 --> 00:20:45,533
and I think what we're learning now is that no

517
00:20:45,533 --> 00:20:49,033
what's virtuous is to recognize the signals

518
00:20:49,033 --> 00:20:50,566
that are coming out of Conan brain

519
00:20:50,566 --> 00:20:53,400
and to incorporate them into your and

520
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,000
you know apply your values to them

521
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:59,566
and then act intentionally about that and

522
00:20:59,566 --> 00:21:01,633
and do the Sherlock Holmes thing as opposed to

523
00:21:02,566 --> 00:21:04,133
as opposed to what you know

524
00:21:04,133 --> 00:21:08,733
just acting as if the signal was the meaning

525
00:21:08,933 --> 00:21:11,633
exactly another way to think about it is in

526
00:21:11,633 --> 00:21:13,000
in this body of work

527
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,400
called Dialectical Behavior Therapy DBT

528
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,566
maybe some of you've heard of it

529
00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:19,000
but they have two circles that overlap

530
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,433
uh huh and the left circle is the emotional brain

531
00:21:22,933 --> 00:21:26,633
and the right hem the right side is the rational brain

532
00:21:26,966 --> 00:21:30,566
but where they overlap they call it wise mind

533
00:21:31,066 --> 00:21:33,633
so it's more of a wisdom stance

534
00:21:33,733 --> 00:21:35,300
where you're your best self

535
00:21:35,333 --> 00:21:38,733
when you incorporate both sides yeah yeah

536
00:21:38,733 --> 00:21:41,833
I can see how I can see how that's right

537
00:21:42,433 --> 00:21:43,433
and sometimes what you

538
00:21:43,433 --> 00:21:45,200
what we have to remember where I talked about

539
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:46,966
if you hit an 8 9 or 10

540
00:21:47,066 --> 00:21:50,500
it's your old stuff meaning what just happened

541
00:21:50,566 --> 00:21:53,800
flips the switch on that's on the wall

542
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,333
but it's hardwired behind the wall

543
00:21:56,333 --> 00:21:57,966
long before that moment

544
00:21:58,033 --> 00:22:02,133
so when we hit a big number and it seems like it's

545
00:22:02,133 --> 00:22:03,233
they're not listening to me

546
00:22:03,233 --> 00:22:04,533
they never put their shoes away

547
00:22:04,533 --> 00:22:06,366
or I've told them to stop fighting

548
00:22:06,366 --> 00:22:09,233
or I asked them 10 times to do that chore

549
00:22:09,333 --> 00:22:11,733
like how many more times can I

550
00:22:12,100 --> 00:22:13,333
I wanna be a great dad

551
00:22:13,333 --> 00:22:17,366
I want to train my kids to be responsible and right

552
00:22:17,366 --> 00:22:20,033
do their chores and get along

553
00:22:20,133 --> 00:22:22,800
and so what's getting activated in

554
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,733
in you I would guess what might

555
00:22:24,766 --> 00:22:26,833
like if you trace that back

556
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:28,966
where does that tie to my family of origin

557
00:22:28,966 --> 00:22:31,333
was I heard in my home

558
00:22:31,866 --> 00:22:33,500
did my voice matter

559
00:22:33,500 --> 00:22:34,333
and I get that

560
00:22:34,333 --> 00:22:36,033
this may be getting in the deep end of the pond

561
00:22:36,033 --> 00:22:37,933
like how do you look at your inner world

562
00:22:37,933 --> 00:22:39,600
well I coach dads around the country

563
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:41,566
I'll I'll walk with you if you want

564
00:22:41,566 --> 00:22:44,933
like helping men understand their inner world

565
00:22:44,933 --> 00:22:46,633
where their emotions are coming from

566
00:22:46,633 --> 00:22:48,033
where their responses are

567
00:22:48,333 --> 00:22:53,066
is so fun for me because I watch men becoming the man

568
00:22:53,066 --> 00:22:54,266
the dad the husband

569
00:22:54,266 --> 00:22:56,866
the the manager he wants to be

570
00:22:56,866 --> 00:22:58,866
when he understands himself more

571
00:22:59,066 --> 00:23:02,233
yeah there's a real feedback mechanism at work there

572
00:23:02,233 --> 00:23:03,866
isn't there so

573
00:23:03,866 --> 00:23:07,866
you know as you improve one aspect of your life

574
00:23:07,866 --> 00:23:11,766
that goes to improving other aspects of your life

575
00:23:11,866 --> 00:23:13,733
and so you know

576
00:23:13,733 --> 00:23:15,033
you're gonna improve your

577
00:23:15,033 --> 00:23:16,233
relationship with your daughter

578
00:23:16,233 --> 00:23:17,266
or your son

579
00:23:17,266 --> 00:23:19,033
and that's gonna help you be a better man at work

580
00:23:19,033 --> 00:23:20,633
and that's gonna help you be a better

581
00:23:20,966 --> 00:23:23,433
partner to your wife or your spouse

582
00:23:23,433 --> 00:23:24,233
or whatever and

583
00:23:24,233 --> 00:23:27,233
and so there's a virtuous cycle there

584
00:23:27,533 --> 00:23:29,000
yeah absolutely

585
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:29,833
and I think you know

586
00:23:29,833 --> 00:23:31,533
back to what you'd asked about

587
00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:33,966
what's different about raising a daughter than a son

588
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,933
yeah is think about daughters I mean

589
00:23:36,933 --> 00:23:38,666
even the research shows like that

590
00:23:38,666 --> 00:23:41,933
that women have 11% more neurons in their brain

591
00:23:41,933 --> 00:23:45,700
attached to hearing and so sometimes men are like

592
00:23:45,833 --> 00:23:47,933
where'd you get that out of that

593
00:23:48,533 --> 00:23:51,533
to a wife and a spouse a partner a daughter

594
00:23:51,533 --> 00:23:54,666
and we're over here going how could you miss it

595
00:23:54,666 --> 00:23:58,500
it was so obvious and and it's just missing each other

596
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:02,566
and so it has a lot to do with genetic wiring

597
00:24:02,733 --> 00:24:03,600
and so

598
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,133
if you as a dad can understand your daughter more

599
00:24:06,133 --> 00:24:09,333
that's why I've been doing now for nine years

600
00:24:09,333 --> 00:24:12,933
podcasting and radio and writing to dad since 2,014

601
00:24:12,933 --> 00:24:13,966
going OK

602
00:24:13,966 --> 00:24:17,133
I'm gonna try to take what I know on my planet and help

603
00:24:17,133 --> 00:24:20,033
you know what maybe no one's told you yeah

604
00:24:20,033 --> 00:24:23,666
and so because of that whole language thing again

605
00:24:23,966 --> 00:24:27,066
Louann Brizendine wrote a book called The Female Brain

606
00:24:27,066 --> 00:24:30,000
there's research on what women are like

607
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:31,533
different than men right

608
00:24:31,666 --> 00:24:35,433
and we tend to pick up on cues and facial gestures

609
00:24:35,433 --> 00:24:37,266
different than men we're like

610
00:24:37,266 --> 00:24:38,433
I don't know that you're listening

611
00:24:38,433 --> 00:24:40,433
if I can't see your face and men are like

612
00:24:40,433 --> 00:24:41,866
I don't want to see your face

613
00:24:41,866 --> 00:24:45,066
shoulder to shoulder orientation is how men often

614
00:24:45,133 --> 00:24:46,400
feel more comfortable again

615
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:47,866
gross generalization

616
00:24:47,933 --> 00:24:52,066
but when a daughter is reading your face and saying

617
00:24:52,066 --> 00:24:54,933
I don't know what you really are saying

618
00:24:54,933 --> 00:24:56,233
or that you love me or you mean it

619
00:24:56,233 --> 00:25:00,233
if I can't see your eyes and so being mindful of that

620
00:25:00,233 --> 00:25:01,966
you're developing a new skill set

621
00:25:01,966 --> 00:25:04,066
because your daughter needs your face

622
00:25:04,666 --> 00:25:06,666
she needs to know not just what you think

623
00:25:06,666 --> 00:25:08,500
but what you think of her

624
00:25:08,666 --> 00:25:11,233
she's internalizing the messages

625
00:25:11,233 --> 00:25:12,933
that she reads on your face

626
00:25:12,933 --> 00:25:15,133
that you may not even know you're communicating

627
00:25:15,333 --> 00:25:17,566
so this portal to your to your daughter

628
00:25:17,566 --> 00:25:18,866
from your heart to hers

629
00:25:18,933 --> 00:25:21,833
is also gonna require a lot more listening

630
00:25:21,833 --> 00:25:24,133
by and large than with your sons

631
00:25:24,633 --> 00:25:27,433
she needs you to hear her because on Venus

632
00:25:27,433 --> 00:25:31,233
we figure things out by talking sometimes we're like

633
00:25:31,233 --> 00:25:32,866
and men you know there's the book

634
00:25:32,866 --> 00:25:34,466
you know the one where men are from Mars

635
00:25:34,466 --> 00:25:35,400
women are from Venus where

636
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:36,800
that's right John Gray says

637
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:38,433
men go into their cave

638
00:25:38,666 --> 00:25:40,866
and they'll think it and come out when they're ready

639
00:25:40,866 --> 00:25:42,100
don't go after them

640
00:25:42,166 --> 00:25:44,766
and then they'll tell you what they think

641
00:25:44,766 --> 00:25:46,933
or what they Learned or what they wanna do

642
00:25:47,566 --> 00:25:49,566
I'm telling you for the most part

643
00:25:49,566 --> 00:25:51,133
when we figure it out by talking is

644
00:25:51,133 --> 00:25:52,766
so men sometimes as a dad

645
00:25:52,766 --> 00:25:54,833
you may say I can't even track with you

646
00:25:54,833 --> 00:25:56,400
I don't even know what you just said right

647
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,400
if you tell me what you want then I'll do it yeah

648
00:25:58,400 --> 00:25:58,766
that's right

649
00:25:58,766 --> 00:26:00,933
just give me the instructions and I'll go yeah

650
00:26:00,933 --> 00:26:02,133
and we're over here going

651
00:26:02,166 --> 00:26:04,366
I don't know or I would have told you that's right

652
00:26:04,366 --> 00:26:06,166
but yeah figure it out by talking

653
00:26:06,166 --> 00:26:09,300
so we call that expanding your window of tolerance

654
00:26:09,466 --> 00:26:10,566
that sometimes men you may say

655
00:26:10,566 --> 00:26:14,666
my ears are bleeding there's so many words because

656
00:26:14,666 --> 00:26:15,966
again in that female brain book

657
00:26:15,966 --> 00:26:19,133
she says but men speak 7,000 words a day

658
00:26:19,966 --> 00:26:22,666
women speak 20,000 almost three to one

659
00:26:22,666 --> 00:26:23,666
three times wow

660
00:26:23,666 --> 00:26:25,533
and so women are are going

661
00:26:25,533 --> 00:26:27,166
I don't know what I'm talking

662
00:26:27,166 --> 00:26:29,966
even introverts have their own way of communicating

663
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:31,100
yeah so they're still talking

664
00:26:31,166 --> 00:26:33,966
and so for dad you do expand your capacity to listen

665
00:26:33,966 --> 00:26:35,233
two ears one mouth

666
00:26:35,366 --> 00:26:37,733
all these skills that your daughter needs

667
00:26:37,733 --> 00:26:38,966
that will make you a better man

668
00:26:38,966 --> 00:26:40,666
even to your son yeah

669
00:26:40,666 --> 00:26:43,433
I had an interesting experience about that

670
00:26:43,433 --> 00:26:45,233
this very morning um

671
00:26:46,033 --> 00:26:47,633
I was this morning

672
00:26:47,633 --> 00:26:49,766
I was very rushed and we got up

673
00:26:49,766 --> 00:26:51,200
the whole family got up a little bit late

674
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:54,500
and we had some early morning um

675
00:26:55,066 --> 00:26:56,400
things to have to do

676
00:26:56,400 --> 00:27:00,633
and my daughter started screaming at my wife

677
00:27:01,466 --> 00:27:07,100
and my wife said to her I

678
00:27:07,333 --> 00:27:08,633
I don't want to be screamed at

679
00:27:08,633 --> 00:27:14,066
and she left the room and I was getting ready and uh

680
00:27:14,066 --> 00:27:16,166
and that kind of set my daughter off

681
00:27:16,166 --> 00:27:16,966
she got

682
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:18,866
at first she was defiant

683
00:27:19,333 --> 00:27:21,066
and then she got very upset because

684
00:27:21,066 --> 00:27:23,800
and she's 3 years old she's 3 years old yeah

685
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:24,433
yeah and

686
00:27:24,433 --> 00:27:26,766
and then she started saying

687
00:27:26,766 --> 00:27:28,366
nobody loves me nobody loves me

688
00:27:28,366 --> 00:27:30,000
nobody loves me wow

689
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,033
and I went over to her and I

690
00:27:33,033 --> 00:27:38,433
and I kneeled down and I I looked her in the eye

691
00:27:38,466 --> 00:27:40,766
and we call her Mo that's her

692
00:27:40,766 --> 00:27:43,333
that's her nickname and I said Mo

693
00:27:43,866 --> 00:27:45,233
I said

694
00:27:47,066 --> 00:27:50,066
I see how upset you are

695
00:27:50,066 --> 00:27:53,066
and it seems that you're upset that

696
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:55,233
that Mommy walked away from you

697
00:27:55,233 --> 00:27:57,100
is that right she says yes

698
00:27:57,533 --> 00:28:01,066
and I said do you understand why that happened

699
00:28:01,766 --> 00:28:03,533
and she said no

700
00:28:04,033 --> 00:28:04,833
and I said well

701
00:28:04,833 --> 00:28:06,266
what happened when she walked away

702
00:28:06,266 --> 00:28:07,833
and she didn't remember and I said

703
00:28:07,833 --> 00:28:10,433
well remember that you were screaming at her

704
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:14,266
and now you're screaming again

705
00:28:14,466 --> 00:28:16,300
and that is that working

706
00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:21,200
and she shook her head and I said

707
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:23,033
let's take a deep breath together

708
00:28:23,033 --> 00:28:25,533
and we did that and she sat on my lap

709
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:27,533
and I said what do you think we could do

710
00:28:27,966 --> 00:28:31,100
in order to connect with mom again

711
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,333
and she had no idea

712
00:28:33,933 --> 00:28:35,600
and and I said well

713
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:36,966
you know we could try this what

714
00:28:36,966 --> 00:28:39,100
what how would you feel if

715
00:28:39,666 --> 00:28:41,800
um if somebody were screaming at you

716
00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:43,000
and that made you feel upset

717
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:44,133
and you needed to walk away

718
00:28:44,133 --> 00:28:46,166
and she said I would feel bad and

719
00:28:46,166 --> 00:28:47,400
and you know

720
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,066
what would help you to repair

721
00:28:50,366 --> 00:28:51,733
and she said well

722
00:28:51,733 --> 00:28:55,933
you could draw me a picture or you could give me a hug

723
00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:57,066
I said or yeah

724
00:28:57,066 --> 00:28:59,366
you could you could also apologize

725
00:28:59,366 --> 00:29:01,066
couldn't you she says yeah

726
00:29:01,066 --> 00:29:02,033
and you know

727
00:29:02,033 --> 00:29:04,200
it got us into this solution mindset

728
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,066
but we weren't even able to get there

729
00:29:06,633 --> 00:29:09,833
until after we connected

730
00:29:10,466 --> 00:29:11,833
yes yeah

731
00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:13,700
and I you know I

732
00:29:14,433 --> 00:29:15,433
I don't

733
00:29:16,233 --> 00:29:17,233
I don't know what occurred

734
00:29:17,233 --> 00:29:18,933
why it occurred to me to do that

735
00:29:19,333 --> 00:29:20,366
and it and

736
00:29:20,366 --> 00:29:21,233
but it really really

737
00:29:21,233 --> 00:29:22,533
really worked phenomenal

738
00:29:23,033 --> 00:29:24,600
that Sean that story

739
00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:26,300
if that's the only thing

740
00:29:26,333 --> 00:29:28,133
men take away from our conversation

741
00:29:28,133 --> 00:29:32,100
it will be worth the listen because you modeled

742
00:29:32,266 --> 00:29:35,200
I'll give it psychobabble words just to validate

743
00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:38,200
cause you obviously no more than

744
00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:39,666
than many men I speak with

745
00:29:39,666 --> 00:29:42,133
to refer to the prefrontal cortex Olympic system

746
00:29:42,133 --> 00:29:44,233
and repair rupture and repair right

747
00:29:44,233 --> 00:29:46,300
those are all words in psychology

748
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:49,500
but what happened what's your daughter's name

749
00:29:49,566 --> 00:29:50,933
uh we call her Mo

750
00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:52,200
Mo okay

751
00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:53,433
so we'll go with Mo yeah

752
00:29:53,433 --> 00:29:56,866
so she was disregulated yeah

753
00:29:56,866 --> 00:29:59,766
that her her limbic system was on fire

754
00:29:59,766 --> 00:30:01,033
yeah so remember

755
00:30:01,033 --> 00:30:05,133
all of us we don't want to be in that state

756
00:30:05,133 --> 00:30:07,333
a lot of times we don't even know we're in that state

757
00:30:07,333 --> 00:30:08,333
I think it's really interesting

758
00:30:08,333 --> 00:30:10,333
we're learning a lot from a three year old today

759
00:30:10,333 --> 00:30:11,600
cause what you did with a three year old

760
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:13,266
to work with a 13 year old sure

761
00:30:13,266 --> 00:30:14,833
well a 30 year old yeah

762
00:30:14,833 --> 00:30:17,433
this this is brilliant

763
00:30:17,433 --> 00:30:18,766
this is wisdom

764
00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:22,166
this is gold that you're giving these men to say

765
00:30:22,666 --> 00:30:25,166
you turned toward her

766
00:30:26,366 --> 00:30:28,266
you got down on her level

767
00:30:28,733 --> 00:30:31,133
your voice was calm I'm guessing

768
00:30:31,933 --> 00:30:33,166
yeah absolutely

769
00:30:33,466 --> 00:30:35,433
absolutely so your voice wasn't raised

770
00:30:35,566 --> 00:30:39,333
you stayed calm so your daughter was disregulated

771
00:30:39,533 --> 00:30:44,233
you stayed regulated and then you co regulated

772
00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:48,833
so the only way a dysregulated child can get back

773
00:30:48,833 --> 00:30:51,666
on course they have to have

774
00:30:51,933 --> 00:30:57,233
hopefully a parent who can regulate with them to get

775
00:30:57,233 --> 00:30:58,433
cause then you asked her question

776
00:30:58,433 --> 00:30:59,800
so she could get out of here

777
00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:01,700
back into her prefrontal cortex

778
00:31:01,933 --> 00:31:03,466
beautiful interesting

779
00:31:03,466 --> 00:31:04,866
yeah I didn't

780
00:31:05,433 --> 00:31:10,066
I wish I had I wish I had that level of

781
00:31:10,566 --> 00:31:12,166
of intentionality about it

782
00:31:12,166 --> 00:31:12,766
it just

783
00:31:12,766 --> 00:31:14,400
it felt like the right thing to do at that moment

784
00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:15,033
maybe maybe

785
00:31:15,033 --> 00:31:15,533
it was because

786
00:31:15,533 --> 00:31:18,033
you and I were gonna be speaking later on in the day

787
00:31:18,033 --> 00:31:18,833
and

788
00:31:18,833 --> 00:31:22,200
I was channeling some of the lessons I've gotten from

789
00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:24,033
uh from reading your work and

790
00:31:24,033 --> 00:31:25,033
and uh

791
00:31:25,033 --> 00:31:26,533
and preparing it was phenomenal

792
00:31:26,966 --> 00:31:29,633
that was that well done and I love to

793
00:31:29,633 --> 00:31:32,600
I just want to highlight that when you asked her

794
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:33,766
do you know why Mommy left

795
00:31:33,766 --> 00:31:35,133
she didn't remember

796
00:31:35,133 --> 00:31:37,433
so that's what happens to a lot of us where

797
00:31:37,666 --> 00:31:39,133
where we don't remember

798
00:31:39,133 --> 00:31:42,033
when we're that on fire in our brain it

799
00:31:42,033 --> 00:31:44,133
it floods this and we we

800
00:31:44,133 --> 00:31:45,900
we can't put it together

801
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:49,066
so you helped walk her through alternatives

802
00:31:49,066 --> 00:31:51,433
so if dads are listening that they're saying

803
00:31:51,666 --> 00:31:56,333
how do I raise good men how do I raise sons to

804
00:31:56,333 --> 00:31:59,133
to be their best masculine self

805
00:31:59,133 --> 00:32:02,000
which is strong and courageous and brave

806
00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:06,266
yeah and emotionally dialed in and emotionally engaged

807
00:32:06,466 --> 00:32:10,366
is that you LED with both sides of your brain together

808
00:32:10,533 --> 00:32:12,566
and then she followed your lead

809
00:32:13,033 --> 00:32:15,833
well I'll tell you a couple of things about that

810
00:32:15,833 --> 00:32:18,133
so my reflex in that moment

811
00:32:18,833 --> 00:32:20,766
um when she was screaming and yelling

812
00:32:20,766 --> 00:32:22,166
was to scream and yell back

813
00:32:22,266 --> 00:32:23,266
stop screaming right

814
00:32:23,266 --> 00:32:25,033
and that that was my first reflex

815
00:32:25,233 --> 00:32:28,633
another reflex I had that I had to kind of suppress

816
00:32:29,066 --> 00:32:32,400
was when she told me that she didn't

817
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:36,166
remember what she'd done I didn't believe her ah

818
00:32:36,266 --> 00:32:37,200
I thought

819
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:41,333
it felt to me like she was action acting on purpose

820
00:32:41,866 --> 00:32:43,000
she was yelling on purpose

821
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:44,800
to try to get a rise out of me and

822
00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:46,466
and to get a rise out of her mom

823
00:32:46,466 --> 00:32:47,400
she was doing all of that

824
00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:50,466
and she was refusing to admit that she remembered

825
00:32:50,666 --> 00:32:52,800
what she'd done she was refusing

826
00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:56,100
she knows that apologies make things better

827
00:32:57,066 --> 00:32:58,833
and she wasn't acknowledging that

828
00:32:58,833 --> 00:33:00,766
and it felt to me like she was lying

829
00:33:00,933 --> 00:33:04,100
but she wasn't I don't think I don't think so either

830
00:33:04,366 --> 00:33:06,966
and it had I had to get over that

831
00:33:06,966 --> 00:33:11,933
I had to it it often feels to me when

832
00:33:11,933 --> 00:33:13,766
when they're getting disregulated

833
00:33:13,766 --> 00:33:15,500
that they're acting intentionally

834
00:33:15,600 --> 00:33:18,333
which is insane when I'm disregulated

835
00:33:18,533 --> 00:33:20,266
I'm not acting intentionally

836
00:33:20,633 --> 00:33:21,666
I don't see how a 3

837
00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:23,166
year old is gonna be acting intentionally

838
00:33:23,166 --> 00:33:27,466
in that moment and yet I respond my

839
00:33:27,466 --> 00:33:31,133
my my reflex is to respond

840
00:33:31,333 --> 00:33:33,600
as if they were acting intentionally

841
00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:34,866
it's insane

842
00:33:35,433 --> 00:33:38,333
it is insane so in other words

843
00:33:38,566 --> 00:33:42,433
the three word phrase perception is projection

844
00:33:42,633 --> 00:33:46,866
is your perception was she's not telling me the truth

845
00:33:46,933 --> 00:33:49,166
and then that can be projected on to someone else

846
00:33:49,166 --> 00:33:50,933
whereas back to this skill

847
00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:52,266
you listened

848
00:33:52,433 --> 00:33:56,733
you asked questions of her and you listened

849
00:33:57,733 --> 00:34:00,800
that is part of co regulating right

850
00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:03,833
because you slowed down took your

851
00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:06,033
we all have presumptions that we bring into

852
00:34:06,033 --> 00:34:08,033
into relationships and conversations

853
00:34:08,366 --> 00:34:10,866
but you were my and it this was all

854
00:34:10,866 --> 00:34:12,066
how long did this whole thing take

855
00:34:12,066 --> 00:34:14,166
from beginning to end more than 5 minutes

856
00:34:14,666 --> 00:34:15,733
7 minutes

857
00:34:15,966 --> 00:34:20,833
7 minutes to make a deposit into your daughter's life

858
00:34:20,833 --> 00:34:21,200
yeah

859
00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:26,200
into her heart space to go I'm heard I'm seen I'm loved

860
00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:29,566
I'm guided I'm held which isn't always physical

861
00:34:29,566 --> 00:34:30,766
it can be emotional yeah

862
00:34:30,766 --> 00:34:33,166
to bring her where you wanted to go

863
00:34:33,233 --> 00:34:35,300
and you LED by example I mean

864
00:34:35,800 --> 00:34:36,933
come on well

865
00:34:36,933 --> 00:34:39,733
I I hope I can have the presence of mind to do that

866
00:34:39,866 --> 00:34:42,966
more often I I often feel like I mean

867
00:34:42,966 --> 00:34:44,733
I felt really good about that interaction

868
00:34:44,733 --> 00:34:46,766
and how it went and I

869
00:34:47,333 --> 00:34:48,666
I do not think I feel that way

870
00:34:48,666 --> 00:34:51,866
about 10% of the interactions I have with my kids

871
00:34:52,033 --> 00:34:53,400
that's fair I'm in the same boat

872
00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:55,233
I mean we all are human right

873
00:34:55,233 --> 00:34:56,400
but at the same time

874
00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:59,466
your podcast is about investing in men

875
00:34:59,466 --> 00:35:01,400
if they don't know where to go to ask for directions

876
00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:02,733
you're like I'm gonna come to you

877
00:35:02,733 --> 00:35:04,033
I'm gonna bring this to you

878
00:35:04,066 --> 00:35:07,966
let me even add another practical action step

879
00:35:07,966 --> 00:35:10,166
so the dads you can be an action hero

880
00:35:10,366 --> 00:35:12,700
that springs off of what you just shared

881
00:35:12,933 --> 00:35:15,766
is you ask your daughter questions

882
00:35:15,766 --> 00:35:18,366
now some men are not

883
00:35:18,533 --> 00:35:21,833
naturally skilled in knowing how to do that

884
00:35:21,966 --> 00:35:23,433
so that can add to the freeze

885
00:35:23,433 --> 00:35:25,233
I don't know what to say yeah

886
00:35:25,233 --> 00:35:27,533
I'm clearly gonna make it worse

887
00:35:27,633 --> 00:35:31,033
I'm out but then would you have ever in a million years

888
00:35:31,033 --> 00:35:33,166
or your wife would probably be broken hearted

889
00:35:33,166 --> 00:35:36,800
if she knew that Moe felt she wasn't loved right

890
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:39,966
like we as women I would say men read lines

891
00:35:39,966 --> 00:35:41,233
women read between lines

892
00:35:41,233 --> 00:35:43,633
we're reading into everything and coming back to

893
00:35:43,633 --> 00:35:45,633
I don't feel enough I don't feel loved

894
00:35:45,633 --> 00:35:47,166
I don't feel seen you know

895
00:35:47,166 --> 00:35:49,333
but you never as men

896
00:35:49,333 --> 00:35:50,866
think that even would have been the message

897
00:35:50,866 --> 00:35:52,766
you would have given by walking away

898
00:35:52,933 --> 00:35:55,766
or some mom walking away but that's how it gets encoded

899
00:35:55,766 --> 00:35:57,200
right so here

900
00:35:57,200 --> 00:35:58,600
I want to go back to this skill

901
00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:00,500
set that I found is really helpful

902
00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:02,966
do you remember in school

903
00:36:02,966 --> 00:36:03,766
I think it was grade school

904
00:36:03,766 --> 00:36:06,000
I can't even remember what grade where we Learned who

905
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:06,766
what when where

906
00:36:06,766 --> 00:36:07,833
why how

907
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:08,466
yeah

908
00:36:08,466 --> 00:36:10,666
we all know that that was something we Learned about

909
00:36:10,666 --> 00:36:12,400
how to ask a question right

910
00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:15,033
so dad here's what I say is take that template

911
00:36:15,033 --> 00:36:19,566
you already know it and now apply it to the keyword

912
00:36:19,566 --> 00:36:23,433
or the last word of your daughter's sentence

913
00:36:23,733 --> 00:36:25,766
so when sometimes you go I don't know what to ask next

914
00:36:26,633 --> 00:36:29,366
I don't know where to lead this conversation

915
00:36:29,466 --> 00:36:30,900
let me give you an example

916
00:36:30,966 --> 00:36:34,066
because you just heard Sean say he naturally

917
00:36:34,066 --> 00:36:37,666
intuitively LED her through this

918
00:36:37,766 --> 00:36:39,833
what do you think was going on

919
00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:42,766
why do you think mom left the room

920
00:36:42,766 --> 00:36:44,066
I don't know

921
00:36:44,366 --> 00:36:47,533
so I say use why the least because it's often a why

922
00:36:47,533 --> 00:36:49,066
I don't know but again

923
00:36:49,066 --> 00:36:50,800
she's three of course she doesn't know

924
00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:52,233
but probably 13

925
00:36:52,233 --> 00:36:54,666
she's not gonna know either or 23 or 33

926
00:36:54,666 --> 00:36:56,233
but going back to this idea of

927
00:36:56,233 --> 00:36:57,466
how do you ask a good question

928
00:36:57,466 --> 00:36:59,633
men who what when where

929
00:36:59,633 --> 00:37:01,700
how are the ones you want to use the most

930
00:37:01,733 --> 00:37:03,833
with the keyword of the last sentence

931
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:06,166
so you could say honey

932
00:37:06,366 --> 00:37:08,200
what are you feeling right now

933
00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:09,233
maybe just start general

934
00:37:09,233 --> 00:37:12,000
she's clearly having a meltdown what's going on

935
00:37:13,433 --> 00:37:15,600
see we're talking about using your voice

936
00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:17,766
your dog's using your voice okay

937
00:37:17,933 --> 00:37:19,233
is it a her or him

938
00:37:20,366 --> 00:37:22,433
a female or male or the boy

939
00:37:23,033 --> 00:37:26,733
my dog uh is a boy and his name is chicken

940
00:37:27,533 --> 00:37:30,566
okay so chicken he fits with your with your population

941
00:37:30,566 --> 00:37:32,033
how do you raise men to use their voice

942
00:37:32,033 --> 00:37:33,433
in a way that doesn't park yeah

943
00:37:33,733 --> 00:37:34,866
he's thrilled to use his voice

944
00:37:34,866 --> 00:37:38,733
he uses his voice a lot more than I wish he would haha

945
00:37:39,066 --> 00:37:40,200
which is what a lot of dads

946
00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:41,166
actually say about their kids

947
00:37:41,166 --> 00:37:43,466
I wish you would just shape up not use your voice

948
00:37:43,466 --> 00:37:45,933
not talk back not interrupt me like yeah

949
00:37:45,933 --> 00:37:46,400
well

950
00:37:46,400 --> 00:37:50,466
fathering it's expanding your capacity for all the mess

951
00:37:50,466 --> 00:37:51,833
I mean I've had to do that

952
00:37:51,833 --> 00:37:53,766
now that I have a big tribe that I married into

953
00:37:53,766 --> 00:37:54,933
five and a half years ago yeah

954
00:37:54,933 --> 00:37:57,000
got married at the age of 60 for the first time

955
00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:59,533
that's amazing now our 19th grandbaby's on the way

956
00:37:59,533 --> 00:38:00,466
so Ken says

957
00:38:00,466 --> 00:38:02,900
your house was so organized and clean before

958
00:38:04,066 --> 00:38:06,833
now it things are broken scratched

959
00:38:07,166 --> 00:38:09,900
he says yeah kids come over and they bring communicable

960
00:38:10,166 --> 00:38:11,666
communicable diseases

961
00:38:11,666 --> 00:38:14,566
there's a mouthful and they break stuff

962
00:38:14,566 --> 00:38:15,933
and then they expect you to pay for it

963
00:38:15,933 --> 00:38:18,000
that's kind of the trifecta of parenting

964
00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:19,566
or grand parenting right

965
00:38:19,566 --> 00:38:20,533
so okay

966
00:38:20,533 --> 00:38:22,966
I digress back to this who what when where why how

967
00:38:23,733 --> 00:38:25,866
but yeah why use the least

968
00:38:25,966 --> 00:38:28,066
so then when you pair that with

969
00:38:28,066 --> 00:38:30,933
with whatever she did just say

970
00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:33,466
or if it's a lot of words and you're like

971
00:38:33,466 --> 00:38:35,833
I have no idea where to go with this

972
00:38:35,933 --> 00:38:37,266
go with the last word

973
00:38:37,266 --> 00:38:39,800
because there's no right or wrong way to do this right

974
00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:40,733
so say that you're

975
00:38:40,733 --> 00:38:43,666
you pick up your 7th grade daughter from school

976
00:38:43,833 --> 00:38:46,633
and you go how was your day

977
00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:49,766
and she's like she had a bad day so she's like

978
00:38:49,766 --> 00:38:51,666
fine you're like oh

979
00:38:51,666 --> 00:38:53,600
OK so you men often are like OK

980
00:38:53,600 --> 00:38:55,133
I wanna make my women happy

981
00:38:55,133 --> 00:38:56,466
I don't wanna make it worse

982
00:38:56,466 --> 00:38:59,033
I don't wanna get my head bit off what do I say next

983
00:38:59,033 --> 00:39:03,966
yeah and so you say what about your day was fine

984
00:39:05,266 --> 00:39:07,033
how was it fine

985
00:39:07,966 --> 00:39:09,000
where was it fine

986
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:10,533
there's no right or wrong you're like oh

987
00:39:10,533 --> 00:39:13,433
I got a tool in my tool kit my fathering toolbox

988
00:39:13,433 --> 00:39:16,666
I can pair the word with what she just said

989
00:39:16,866 --> 00:39:20,500
then maybe she goes well choir was good today

990
00:39:22,066 --> 00:39:23,666
what about choir was good today

991
00:39:23,666 --> 00:39:26,033
she then knows you heard her yeah

992
00:39:26,033 --> 00:39:28,666
because you could even say the same words back right

993
00:39:28,666 --> 00:39:30,166
it was hard in choir today

994
00:39:30,166 --> 00:39:31,000
you don't even have to do it

995
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:33,100
it hasn't implied who what when

996
00:39:33,366 --> 00:39:36,033
so you keep the conversation going

997
00:39:36,033 --> 00:39:37,666
but then you may get home

998
00:39:37,666 --> 00:39:39,500
say that you stopped with fine

999
00:39:39,533 --> 00:39:42,633
and maybe her mom goes oh

1000
00:39:42,633 --> 00:39:46,033
how was your day and you go fine on Venus

1001
00:39:46,033 --> 00:39:47,566
that's a non answer answer

1002
00:39:48,466 --> 00:39:50,200
men say if you wanted to tell me more

1003
00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:52,233
you'd tell me more over here on our planet

1004
00:39:52,233 --> 00:39:53,366
we're like if you wanted to know more

1005
00:39:53,366 --> 00:39:54,800
you would have asked me more yeah

1006
00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:57,600
so sometimes those are a little bit of bait and switch

1007
00:39:57,600 --> 00:39:59,133
we're like if you cared

1008
00:39:59,133 --> 00:40:02,633
you'll stay with me and help me talk this out

1009
00:40:02,633 --> 00:40:04,033
figure it out by talking

1010
00:40:04,233 --> 00:40:06,533
so that's a really practical way

1011
00:40:06,533 --> 00:40:07,000
men if

1012
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:09,833
if asking questions and drawing out your daughter

1013
00:40:09,833 --> 00:40:12,166
or your son isn't your natural gift

1014
00:40:12,666 --> 00:40:16,333
think who what when where how keyword or last word

1015
00:40:16,333 --> 00:40:18,866
and I'mma give you one more for your toolbox men

1016
00:40:19,633 --> 00:40:22,066
it's two words you're gonna love this

1017
00:40:22,066 --> 00:40:23,800
I've had men go that works for me

1018
00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:26,466
I like it too men just say get to the point already

1019
00:40:26,466 --> 00:40:28,700
tell me how to fix it get to the point already

1020
00:40:28,766 --> 00:40:31,766
okay here it is I'm wondering

1021
00:40:33,266 --> 00:40:34,066
OK like you

1022
00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:36,166
I'm wondering what's going on

1023
00:40:36,166 --> 00:40:38,633
I'm wondering what had you screamed today Moe

1024
00:40:38,966 --> 00:40:40,333
I'm wondering I

1025
00:40:40,333 --> 00:40:42,800
I once had a dad in the Obama project who

1026
00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:44,233
his 17 year old daughter Megan

1027
00:40:44,233 --> 00:40:45,666
had four boys and she was the youngest

1028
00:40:45,666 --> 00:40:46,966
and she's senior in high school

1029
00:40:46,966 --> 00:40:49,333
skipping school rebelling

1030
00:40:49,466 --> 00:40:52,000
and he goes she either bites my head off

1031
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:53,766
yeah and gets mad at me

1032
00:40:53,766 --> 00:40:55,566
or the wall goes up and she won't talk to me

1033
00:40:55,566 --> 00:40:58,066
hence the drawbridge and so I'm like

1034
00:40:58,066 --> 00:40:59,666
we all have them as women

1035
00:40:59,733 --> 00:41:00,666
I have a man go yep

1036
00:41:00,666 --> 00:41:02,800
we know when it's the drawbridge is up

1037
00:41:02,800 --> 00:41:05,200
so anyway over here I

1038
00:41:05,200 --> 00:41:06,966
I I'd say this guy goes

1039
00:41:06,966 --> 00:41:08,633
I can't get any response

1040
00:41:08,766 --> 00:41:10,666
and I don't know what I'm doing wrong

1041
00:41:10,666 --> 00:41:12,966
but apparently everything I say makes her mad

1042
00:41:12,966 --> 00:41:14,133
yeah or reactive

1043
00:41:14,233 --> 00:41:15,433
so I said try putting

1044
00:41:15,433 --> 00:41:19,133
I'm wondering in front of the exact same question

1045
00:41:19,133 --> 00:41:20,366
this guy goes well DOC

1046
00:41:20,366 --> 00:41:21,866
I got nothing to lose I might as well do it

1047
00:41:21,866 --> 00:41:23,133
he goes home no lie

1048
00:41:23,133 --> 00:41:25,533
true story I'm still in touch with Megan

1049
00:41:25,533 --> 00:41:29,066
who's now a mom to three boys and dad Andy

1050
00:41:29,133 --> 00:41:31,566
but he went home and he said

1051
00:41:31,633 --> 00:41:32,400
hey Megan

1052
00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:35,400
I'm wondering why didn't you go to school today

1053
00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:38,366
same exact question and she goes

1054
00:41:38,366 --> 00:41:39,633
oh actually I did go to school

1055
00:41:39,633 --> 00:41:41,200
we had an early release and that's why I'm home

1056
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:42,033
and he was like

1057
00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:45,966
what just happened wow

1058
00:41:46,166 --> 00:41:48,666
your tone changed I guarantee it

1059
00:41:48,833 --> 00:41:50,166
if women feel like you're

1060
00:41:50,166 --> 00:41:53,033
you're blasting them with an inquisition sure

1061
00:41:53,166 --> 00:41:56,733
you think you're saying it in a soft softer way

1062
00:41:56,733 --> 00:41:58,833
but that's that heart connection

1063
00:41:58,933 --> 00:42:02,433
it's softening your tone and being mindful of that

1064
00:42:02,433 --> 00:42:04,200
maybe your boy responds to going

1065
00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:05,233
come on men come on

1066
00:42:05,233 --> 00:42:06,466
get up it's time to go

1067
00:42:06,466 --> 00:42:09,133
I I think it's because as men

1068
00:42:09,233 --> 00:42:13,233
we feel like the goal is to get the info right

1069
00:42:13,433 --> 00:42:14,733
but that's not the goal

1070
00:42:14,733 --> 00:42:16,666
the goal is actually to open the drawbridge

1071
00:42:16,966 --> 00:42:18,000
come on so

1072
00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:18,866
if I ask a question

1073
00:42:18,866 --> 00:42:20,533
in a way that doesn't open the drawbridge

1074
00:42:20,600 --> 00:42:23,466
then that actually doesn't even actually

1075
00:42:23,466 --> 00:42:25,966
even if she answered the question

1076
00:42:26,366 --> 00:42:29,333
you wouldn't have accomplished the goal yeah

1077
00:42:29,333 --> 00:42:29,966
and if

1078
00:42:29,966 --> 00:42:34,466
if like many of the men I've I've walked with say okay

1079
00:42:34,466 --> 00:42:36,933
I know I'm not doing it right

1080
00:42:36,933 --> 00:42:39,366
like I know the drop bridge is up yeah

1081
00:42:39,366 --> 00:42:42,600
I have absolutely no idea what to do

1082
00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:45,366
for her to lower it cause I can't pry it open right

1083
00:42:45,433 --> 00:42:45,866
yeah I'm

1084
00:42:45,866 --> 00:42:47,766
I'm I feel like mine's being lowered

1085
00:42:47,766 --> 00:42:49,766
and she's not lowering hers yeah

1086
00:42:49,766 --> 00:42:51,433
so then you feel so stuck

1087
00:42:51,433 --> 00:42:54,066
and that's what I love about equipping men

1088
00:42:54,066 --> 00:42:56,966
to be the dad the hero they wanna be and

1089
00:42:56,966 --> 00:43:00,566
and have more tools in their fathering toolbox of oh

1090
00:43:00,566 --> 00:43:02,500
I can ask questions with who what when

1091
00:43:03,033 --> 00:43:05,933
where how some why oh

1092
00:43:05,933 --> 00:43:08,433
I can put I'm wondering in front of a sentence

1093
00:43:08,433 --> 00:43:09,233
let me give you another one

1094
00:43:09,233 --> 00:43:10,233
man I love practical

1095
00:43:10,233 --> 00:43:11,666
I you're just dropping bombs

1096
00:43:11,666 --> 00:43:13,066
Doctor Michelle I love it

1097
00:43:13,133 --> 00:43:13,933
okay

1098
00:43:14,866 --> 00:43:16,700
do you have a dry erase marker

1099
00:43:17,933 --> 00:43:19,966
most probably do somewhere yeah

1100
00:43:19,966 --> 00:43:21,433
do you have sticky notes yes

1101
00:43:21,433 --> 00:43:22,566
I do okay

1102
00:43:22,566 --> 00:43:24,233
most have these sitting around their office

1103
00:43:24,233 --> 00:43:26,466
or if not your drawer somebody else's

1104
00:43:27,133 --> 00:43:31,633
these are a game changer for women

1105
00:43:31,833 --> 00:43:33,166
you can do this with your daughter

1106
00:43:33,166 --> 00:43:34,400
you can do this with your son

1107
00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:36,633
you can do this with your wife

1108
00:43:36,633 --> 00:43:38,100
ex wife partner anybody

1109
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:40,933
and I say ex wife I know that's a little bit like what

1110
00:43:40,933 --> 00:43:45,466
but that woman also probably has wounds

1111
00:43:45,466 --> 00:43:46,866
some of them may from you

1112
00:43:46,866 --> 00:43:48,933
sure this is a way you can be a proactive dad

1113
00:43:49,066 --> 00:43:50,966
so for us as women

1114
00:43:50,966 --> 00:43:53,633
mirrors are not usually our best friend

1115
00:43:54,233 --> 00:43:56,766
just saying I've had an eating disorder

1116
00:43:56,766 --> 00:43:59,066
I did my doctoral dissertation on eating disorders

1117
00:43:59,066 --> 00:44:01,866
I've taught grad students on eating disorders

1118
00:44:01,866 --> 00:44:04,033
I speak at conferences on eating disorder

1119
00:44:04,033 --> 00:44:05,066
this is my like I

1120
00:44:05,066 --> 00:44:06,066
this is my lane right

1121
00:44:06,066 --> 00:44:08,166
yeah and I'm telling you

1122
00:44:08,166 --> 00:44:09,133
if you men

1123
00:44:09,133 --> 00:44:12,766
would hear what the women in your life say

1124
00:44:12,766 --> 00:44:14,533
in their head and it switches

1125
00:44:14,600 --> 00:44:15,566
it's kind of

1126
00:44:15,733 --> 00:44:18,933
it maybe around 9 or 10 is where it starts to shift

1127
00:44:18,933 --> 00:44:21,466
I'm sure Mo loves looking at herself in the mirror

1128
00:44:21,466 --> 00:44:22,800
and making faces yeah

1129
00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:23,966
you're right she does

1130
00:44:24,533 --> 00:44:26,400
and I wish they could all stay

1131
00:44:26,400 --> 00:44:28,000
there where the mirror is their friend

1132
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:30,200
but something happens along the way

1133
00:44:30,200 --> 00:44:34,433
where the mirror is almost talking with saying

1134
00:44:34,433 --> 00:44:36,000
every flaw I mean

1135
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:37,733
think of snow white mirror mirror on the wall

1136
00:44:37,733 --> 00:44:39,033
who's the fairest of them all

1137
00:44:39,033 --> 00:44:42,166
who said that do you remember uh

1138
00:44:42,166 --> 00:44:46,233
the witch the stepmom the wicked witch

1139
00:44:46,366 --> 00:44:48,566
she's the woman with the power

1140
00:44:48,766 --> 00:44:52,866
who's asking an inanimate object to tell her

1141
00:44:52,866 --> 00:44:54,066
whether she's beautiful

1142
00:44:55,000 --> 00:44:57,966
women are still doing that every day yeah

1143
00:44:57,966 --> 00:44:59,633
inanimate objects the mirror

1144
00:44:59,633 --> 00:45:04,133
the scale the size by and large men are like whatever

1145
00:45:05,166 --> 00:45:07,166
I'm good hey look at that you know

1146
00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:09,333
in the mirror it's yeah it's sort of the opposite

1147
00:45:09,333 --> 00:45:10,400
we look at we look at the mirror

1148
00:45:10,400 --> 00:45:13,233
and we see the tiny little muscle or

1149
00:45:13,233 --> 00:45:13,433
you know

1150
00:45:13,433 --> 00:45:16,166
that's the thing that is just slightly oh yeah

1151
00:45:16,166 --> 00:45:17,933
my ABS look a little bit better today and we're like

1152
00:45:17,933 --> 00:45:19,333
yeah but come on

1153
00:45:19,333 --> 00:45:22,000
but you guys it's like you see just your flaws yeah

1154
00:45:22,000 --> 00:45:24,333
we just see the flaws you're going yeah oh

1155
00:45:24,333 --> 00:45:25,533
I can see some work you know

1156
00:45:25,533 --> 00:45:26,933
my working out showing yeah

1157
00:45:26,933 --> 00:45:29,533
so for a dad here's another practical thing

1158
00:45:29,533 --> 00:45:30,833
for your fathering toolbox

1159
00:45:30,833 --> 00:45:32,533
to be proactive

1160
00:45:32,533 --> 00:45:37,100
is the power of your writing on her mirrors

1161
00:45:37,266 --> 00:45:38,466
in your handwriting

1162
00:45:38,533 --> 00:45:41,366
or on a sticky note with your handwriting see

1163
00:45:41,366 --> 00:45:45,333
it stands out from technology is I I promise you

1164
00:45:45,333 --> 00:45:47,366
I can tell you story after story of women

1165
00:45:47,466 --> 00:45:51,733
young girls especially who save them like one dad

1166
00:45:51,733 --> 00:45:55,400
all he wrote all he wrote was to his daughter Maggie

1167
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:56,533
have a good day

1168
00:45:57,233 --> 00:45:58,766
it wasn't even I love you

1169
00:45:58,766 --> 00:46:00,400
I'm glad to be your dad I'm proud of you

1170
00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:02,033
I'm praying for you yeah

1171
00:46:02,033 --> 00:46:03,866
you know it wasn't even that

1172
00:46:03,866 --> 00:46:06,100
it was have a good day yeah

1173
00:46:06,466 --> 00:46:07,800
when I went over to their house

1174
00:46:07,800 --> 00:46:10,400
she had taken it off the bathroom mirror

1175
00:46:10,400 --> 00:46:12,466
and put it next to her bedroom door

1176
00:46:12,466 --> 00:46:16,033
on the wall so she would see it when she left wow

1177
00:46:16,033 --> 00:46:17,266
are you kidding me

1178
00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:20,466
this is a power tool yeah

1179
00:46:20,466 --> 00:46:22,233
to put in your toolbox

1180
00:46:22,266 --> 00:46:24,266
that if your daughter's going through a hard time

1181
00:46:24,266 --> 00:46:26,166
or your wife women love this too

1182
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:27,333
right on the mirror

1183
00:46:28,433 --> 00:46:31,866
right put smiley faces and hearts and love you

1184
00:46:31,866 --> 00:46:33,800
I can't believe I get to be your dad

1185
00:46:33,800 --> 00:46:36,766
or your husband or the the dad to

1186
00:46:36,766 --> 00:46:38,500
to our son or daughter

1187
00:46:38,733 --> 00:46:41,533
you can't water the soil of her heart enough

1188
00:46:41,533 --> 00:46:43,033
with your words and yep

1189
00:46:43,033 --> 00:46:44,400
we all say things we regret

1190
00:46:44,400 --> 00:46:47,666
but this is a way to counter because we know

1191
00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:50,266
you know they teach that the love bank is

1192
00:46:50,266 --> 00:46:52,533
5 deposits to 1 withdrawal

1193
00:46:53,166 --> 00:46:56,366
is a really good ratio of a healthy love bank

1194
00:46:56,366 --> 00:46:58,033
just like in in you know

1195
00:46:58,033 --> 00:47:00,833
your if you have more withdrawals financially than

1196
00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:02,033
you know than deposits

1197
00:47:02,033 --> 00:47:04,533
you're gonna run out of money eventually yeah yep

1198
00:47:04,533 --> 00:47:07,866
so a way to just be mindful of a deposit in her life

1199
00:47:07,866 --> 00:47:09,266
and her heart and his

1200
00:47:09,266 --> 00:47:12,100
your son's as well need your words

1201
00:47:12,233 --> 00:47:14,566
they need life breathing words

1202
00:47:14,733 --> 00:47:18,133
in order to internalize your view of them

1203
00:47:18,133 --> 00:47:19,833
and become the young man

1204
00:47:19,833 --> 00:47:22,166
or young woman you want them to be is

1205
00:47:22,166 --> 00:47:24,500
you have so much power men

1206
00:47:24,700 --> 00:47:27,733
to shape how your children see themselves

1207
00:47:27,733 --> 00:47:30,800
and I think men don't hear that message enough yeah

1208
00:47:30,800 --> 00:47:32,866
that you're told more what you're doing wrong

1209
00:47:32,866 --> 00:47:34,266
or you're getting corrected

1210
00:47:34,266 --> 00:47:36,200
and I just wanna affirm you

1211
00:47:36,200 --> 00:47:37,000
in fact I

1212
00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:40,166
I just reread a message from a guy named Tom

1213
00:47:40,166 --> 00:47:42,433
this last week that he wrote me a few years ago

1214
00:47:42,433 --> 00:47:44,600
and I'd forgotten that we'd had this Twitter exchange

1215
00:47:44,600 --> 00:47:46,566
and I reread what he wrote and he said

1216
00:47:46,633 --> 00:47:50,100
I wait till the end of your podcast every time

1217
00:47:50,266 --> 00:47:52,133
where you say go dads

1218
00:47:52,533 --> 00:47:53,266
he says

1219
00:47:53,266 --> 00:47:56,533
I don't have too many people cheering me on and he goes

1220
00:47:56,533 --> 00:47:58,633
sometimes it makes me emotional

1221
00:47:59,333 --> 00:48:01,966
so Sean and I are saying today

1222
00:48:01,966 --> 00:48:03,666
go dads go dads

1223
00:48:03,666 --> 00:48:08,233
absolutely your view of your kids is being internalized

1224
00:48:08,266 --> 00:48:10,666
and hopefully this conversation will up

1225
00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:14,600
their intentionality and awareness of how important

1226
00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:16,033
every single thing they do

1227
00:48:16,033 --> 00:48:18,333
or don't do matters

1228
00:48:18,366 --> 00:48:20,033
I love that sentiment now

1229
00:48:20,033 --> 00:48:23,900
before we wrap up I like to ask every guest

1230
00:48:24,433 --> 00:48:26,233
uh this same question

1231
00:48:26,833 --> 00:48:27,466
so if you could

1232
00:48:27,466 --> 00:48:30,266
distill everything that we've talked about

1233
00:48:30,266 --> 00:48:34,466
into one guiding principle for fathers

1234
00:48:34,466 --> 00:48:36,666
raising boys or girls or something

1235
00:48:36,666 --> 00:48:39,166
maybe you try to live that yourself or

1236
00:48:39,166 --> 00:48:42,433
or maybe you've seen this work in

1237
00:48:42,433 --> 00:48:43,933
in the men that you've worked with

1238
00:48:43,933 --> 00:48:45,533
what would that principle be

1239
00:48:47,133 --> 00:48:50,733
okay welcome to Venus where words

1240
00:48:50,766 --> 00:48:53,733
we have a lot I have two hahaha

1241
00:48:54,033 --> 00:48:54,800
sounds good I don't know why

1242
00:48:54,800 --> 00:48:55,700
no that's great

1243
00:48:55,833 --> 00:48:58,466
distill it to one but what I would say

1244
00:48:59,066 --> 00:49:01,500
some of it I just said about

1245
00:49:01,866 --> 00:49:03,933
never underestimate the power of your influence

1246
00:49:05,733 --> 00:49:06,633
as a father

1247
00:49:07,400 --> 00:49:10,466
never underestimate the impact

1248
00:49:10,666 --> 00:49:13,133
that you have on your daughter and your son's life

1249
00:49:13,133 --> 00:49:15,200
when you show up the research shows

1250
00:49:15,200 --> 00:49:18,566
that every area of your child's life is better

1251
00:49:18,933 --> 00:49:21,266
by feeling connected to you

1252
00:49:21,366 --> 00:49:22,733
so really what I'm saying in that

1253
00:49:22,733 --> 00:49:24,266
never underestimate the power is

1254
00:49:24,266 --> 00:49:26,033
I'm talking about connection

1255
00:49:26,033 --> 00:49:27,633
which you used that word earlier

1256
00:49:27,633 --> 00:49:29,900
about connecting with Mo

1257
00:49:30,333 --> 00:49:33,333
and that word connection is everything

1258
00:49:33,533 --> 00:49:36,400
it'll override when you say it wrong or do it wrong

1259
00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:39,500
or mess up or cause hurt make amends

1260
00:49:39,533 --> 00:49:41,766
but it's the heart connection

1261
00:49:41,766 --> 00:49:46,033
when you show up every area of your kid's life

1262
00:49:46,266 --> 00:49:49,533
I'll say when you show up in your best way too right

1263
00:49:49,533 --> 00:49:51,633
not perfect way but your best self

1264
00:49:51,633 --> 00:49:54,933
is just never underestimate the power of your presence

1265
00:49:55,033 --> 00:49:57,033
and the flip side of that also

1266
00:49:57,033 --> 00:49:59,133
this isn't even No. 2 but is that

1267
00:49:59,133 --> 00:50:00,633
it's never too late

1268
00:50:01,633 --> 00:50:03,666
to rebuild the bridge to your daughter's

1269
00:50:03,666 --> 00:50:04,966
or your son's heart yeah

1270
00:50:04,966 --> 00:50:06,933
you may have been given a message even by them

1271
00:50:06,933 --> 00:50:08,633
I don't ever want you in my life

1272
00:50:08,933 --> 00:50:10,233
yeah so I'm saying yes

1273
00:50:10,233 --> 00:50:12,000
your presence matters I would say Sean

1274
00:50:12,000 --> 00:50:12,266
probably

1275
00:50:12,266 --> 00:50:16,033
75% of the emails I get from dads are for estrangement

1276
00:50:16,466 --> 00:50:17,866
so a dad may be listening going

1277
00:50:17,866 --> 00:50:21,000
I hear you she won't talk to me he won't talk to me

1278
00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:24,700
he's cut me out of my life their life and I'm saying

1279
00:50:24,800 --> 00:50:25,966
this is a I told you

1280
00:50:25,966 --> 00:50:29,100
a Venusian way of ex is saying what you want me to say

1281
00:50:29,233 --> 00:50:31,966
cause I gotta give dad's practical action steps

1282
00:50:31,966 --> 00:50:33,333
not just theory yeah

1283
00:50:33,333 --> 00:50:35,833
so dad if you're estranged where you you say

1284
00:50:35,833 --> 00:50:38,933
I wanna show up but I'm being blocked

1285
00:50:39,366 --> 00:50:40,933
go get a journal

1286
00:50:41,166 --> 00:50:44,366
that looks like the style of your son or your daughter

1287
00:50:44,366 --> 00:50:48,000
and begin to put entries in it with a date

1288
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:52,066
it's like a time capsule so that when the time comes

1289
00:50:52,133 --> 00:50:55,266
maybe years down the road that the door's opened again

1290
00:50:55,400 --> 00:50:56,633
the drawbridge goes down

1291
00:50:56,633 --> 00:50:58,700
you have a time capsule to say

1292
00:50:58,766 --> 00:51:01,266
here's the date you were never far from my heart

1293
00:51:01,266 --> 00:51:04,966
my heart was open but I had to honor your no

1294
00:51:05,233 --> 00:51:06,200
that's a way dad

1295
00:51:06,200 --> 00:51:09,500
that you can show up and be present in the present

1296
00:51:09,600 --> 00:51:13,000
even if you're cut off from them right

1297
00:51:13,000 --> 00:51:16,066
dreams you have for them wishes you have for them

1298
00:51:16,066 --> 00:51:19,333
memories you have of them so that's kind of part 1

1299
00:51:19,333 --> 00:51:20,866
what I distill everything down to

1300
00:51:20,866 --> 00:51:24,600
is never underestimate the power of your presence

1301
00:51:24,600 --> 00:51:26,333
and if you can't be present

1302
00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:28,433
that's a way to keep hope alive for you

1303
00:51:28,633 --> 00:51:30,333
the second part of my answer

1304
00:51:30,333 --> 00:51:33,666
that's what to do do you know how important you are

1305
00:51:33,666 --> 00:51:35,566
this is a don't do okay

1306
00:51:36,000 --> 00:51:39,033
drop your anger hmm

1307
00:51:39,600 --> 00:51:42,200
when you are living in an angry place

1308
00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:43,166
again that's your own stuff

1309
00:51:43,166 --> 00:51:44,133
8 nine 10

1310
00:51:44,933 --> 00:51:47,466
but here's the thing to know is that dad

1311
00:51:47,466 --> 00:51:51,366
your anger will do more to destroy your kid's spirit

1312
00:51:51,366 --> 00:51:53,466
their ambition their heart

1313
00:51:53,466 --> 00:51:56,266
they'll internalize of you that they're not worthy

1314
00:51:56,800 --> 00:51:58,833
if you had a dad that was angry men

1315
00:51:58,833 --> 00:52:00,066
you know what I'm talking about

1316
00:52:00,066 --> 00:52:00,733
that's right yeah

1317
00:52:00,733 --> 00:52:01,933
and you don't want to repeat that

1318
00:52:01,933 --> 00:52:03,933
you get to change it in your generation

1319
00:52:04,033 --> 00:52:06,233
and two years ago I had a

1320
00:52:06,233 --> 00:52:08,600
a interview with a with a guy

1321
00:52:08,600 --> 00:52:11,466
men in the arena is the name of that men's organization

1322
00:52:11,800 --> 00:52:15,533
and he took a 47 second clip where all I said was men

1323
00:52:15,666 --> 00:52:16,900
drop your anger

1324
00:52:17,433 --> 00:52:19,066
your anger will do more to

1325
00:52:19,066 --> 00:52:21,966
to make her stop believing in herself and give up

1326
00:52:21,966 --> 00:52:25,033
and stop trying and believe that she's not worthy

1327
00:52:25,066 --> 00:52:27,100
by just an angry response

1328
00:52:27,400 --> 00:52:30,133
and guess what it went viral

1329
00:52:30,133 --> 00:52:32,200
3.22 million views wow

1330
00:52:32,200 --> 00:52:34,866
just from this 47 second clip where I said men

1331
00:52:34,866 --> 00:52:36,833
make a commitment today with your mouth

1332
00:52:37,233 --> 00:52:39,066
that you will never respond in anger again

1333
00:52:39,066 --> 00:52:41,566
you can determine that and I had a guy

1334
00:52:41,566 --> 00:52:44,233
I was coaching around that time that said

1335
00:52:44,400 --> 00:52:45,000
you know what

1336
00:52:45,000 --> 00:52:48,433
my whole life I've been trying to control my anger yeah

1337
00:52:48,433 --> 00:52:49,600
it never even dawned on me

1338
00:52:49,600 --> 00:52:52,166
that I needed to actually drop it

1339
00:52:52,166 --> 00:52:55,200
like make like almost like divorce my anger

1340
00:52:55,200 --> 00:52:56,966
like you're not gonna be allowed anymore

1341
00:52:56,966 --> 00:52:59,033
I might feel it but it's not gonna come out

1342
00:52:59,033 --> 00:53:02,133
so I'm saying do know how important you are men

1343
00:53:02,433 --> 00:53:04,633
and don't respond in anger

1344
00:53:04,633 --> 00:53:09,166
that's a two fold way to be the hero you wanna be

1345
00:53:09,166 --> 00:53:11,266
and that your daughter and son needs you to be

1346
00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:13,933
that's fantastic Doctor Michelle

1347
00:53:14,066 --> 00:53:17,033
thank you so much for reminding us that

1348
00:53:17,033 --> 00:53:18,366
the work of fatherhood

1349
00:53:18,733 --> 00:53:22,200
starts by facing your own stories and

1350
00:53:22,200 --> 00:53:25,066
and so that we can show up for our kids

1351
00:53:25,200 --> 00:53:26,933
you can learn more about her work

1352
00:53:26,933 --> 00:53:29,100
and the Dad Whisper podcast

1353
00:53:30,033 --> 00:53:31,200
the and uh

1354
00:53:31,200 --> 00:53:33,633
and and her excellent

1355
00:53:33,633 --> 00:53:34,766
excellent books

1356
00:53:34,766 --> 00:53:38,233
the links to all of those things are in the show notes

1357
00:53:38,233 --> 00:53:39,866
Doctor Michelle thanks again

1358
00:53:39,866 --> 00:53:41,700
this has been an absolute pleasure

1359
00:53:41,866 --> 00:53:42,433
thanks Sean

1360
00:53:42,433 --> 00:53:43,566
it's been great to be with you

1361
00:53:43,566 --> 00:53:45,066
keep up the great work as a dad

1362
00:53:45,066 --> 00:53:47,233
thank you so much and go dads

1363
00:53:47,433 --> 00:53:49,466
go dads alright I love it

1364
00:53:52,733 --> 00:53:56,200
raising men is produced by Phil Hernandez

1365
00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:59,600
this episode was edited by Ralph Tolentino