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This is Dr. Ed Wheat, a family physician and marriage counselor in Springdale, Arkansas. During the next three hours, I want to share some things with you that can make all the difference in your future well-being and happiness. We've titled this counseling cassette series before the wedding night because it is personally directed to you who are planning to be married soon. No doubt you're busy with wedding plans right now and plans for your honeymoon. On the second cassette, I will give you the sexual counsel that answers your questions and can help to make your first nights together as husband and wife just as beautiful as you've imagined they would be. But let me ask you something that may come as a shocker. Have you made any plans for your 25th wedding anniversary? Wait, if you ask yourself, how am I going to feel about this girl 25 years from now? How am I going to feel about this fellow 25 years from now? These are crucial questions and you hold the answers to them because what you do now in the first year of your marriage and a large part is going to determine how you will feel about each other a quarter of a century later. I do a lot of premarriage counseling in my medical clinic and this is one of my goals. Yes, I want to help you reach an excellent sexual adjustment even in the first few weeks of marriage. But I also want to give you the counsel that if applied can shape your entire relationship so that the love you have for each other now will keep on growing. Believe me, love in the permanent context of marriage can become more wonderful, more exciting every year of your life together. Now, as we go ahead and discuss these things, I hope you will feel that I am speaking to you as directly and personally as though you were here in my own office. If you're like most couples who are planning to marry, you have some strong expectations. You expect to find affection, physical warmth, sexual pleasure, closeness, and tenderness in your life together. Although you may not have put it into words, you want your partner to be interested in you and concerned about you as a person. You want to be appreciated as a man or as a woman and accepted just the way you are. You want to be loved. For, of course, all this adds up to the one word Love and its many facets. Love is a lifeblood of marriage. Love give marriage its fulfillment. Its sense of expectancy and thrill even on the most ordinary day when nothing special happens. Just being together, sharing your life with each other. But this precious gift of love must be protected. For something living can die if not cared for. Something valuable can be stolen if not guarded. Your front line of protection for the love you share and want to hold on to is the institution of marriage itself. Think about it. Did the US Supreme Court invent marriage or the church or mothers-in-law. No, this is something that God himself established and ordained at the dawn of creation when he made man and woman for each other. And it's amazing but true that the most perfect and complete marriage council ever given was stated by God in just 22 words. These 22 words cover every marriage problem man has come up with. And failure to follow this council in one area or another is the source of all marital misery and suffering today. Here is God's counsel on marriage as stated in Genesis 2:24. Therefore shall a man and leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh. The first principle is that marriage begins with a leaving of all other relationships. God specifies the closest relationship outside of marriage indicating that it is necessary to leave your father and mother. Then certainly all lesser ties must be broken, changed, or left behind. In leaving your father and mother, you're not to abandon them and break off the bonds of love that should exist between parents and children. You can still benefit from their emotional and spiritual wisdom and encouragement. If your parents need you in later life, you are commanded in the scriptures to care for them and to assume responsibility for them. But the point is that you are no longer to be responsible to them. Your ties with your parents must be changed in character so that the husband's full commitment is now to his wife and the wife's full commitment is now to her husband. The Lord gave the man this commandment, although the principle applies to both husband and wife. Because it is up to the man to establish a new household for which he will be responsible. He can no longer be dependent on his father and mother. He can no longer be under their authority, for now he assumes headship of his own family. The wife can no longer look to her parents for direction or provision. He is to look to her husband. The principle to remember is that a leaving must occur when you get married. This means that the two of you will need to refocus your lives on each other rather than depending on other individuals or a group of people to meet your emotional need. This also means giving other things a lesser priority. Your business, your career, your house, your hobbies, your talents, your interests, or even your church work. Everything must be put into proper perspective. Whatever is important to you in this life should be less important than your marriage. If you fail to leave whatever is dear to you, you will fail to build a real love relationship in your marriage. For example, I have seen women so involved with their jobs or advanced education that they became more like roommates than wives. I've seen other women so preoccupied with their homes and their meticulous housekeeping that they marred the love that was there when they married. I've known men who could not leave the ties with their hunting or golfing buddies long enough to estab love relationship with their wives. Some cannot even tear themselves away from televised sports long enough to communicate with their wives. I've even observed situations where either husband or wife became excessively involved in church work and their marriage suffered. And I've seen sad cases where either the mother or father gave the children top priority. When those children grew up, nothing was left for the husband and wife. Their marriage was bankrupt emotionally. So unless you're willing to leave all else, you will never develop the thrilling oneness of relationship that God intended for every married couple to enjoy. The next principle from God's marriage ordinance is that it is no use leaving unless you're ready to spend a lifetime cleaving. Modern Bible translators usually change cleave in the Old Testament to the phrase cling to or hold fast to. In the Greek New Testament, the word means to cement together, to stick like glue, to be welded together so that the two cannot be separated without damage to both. The practical outcome of cleaving together in marriage is that you will be closest to each other, closer to each other than to anything else, and to anyone else in the world. Sometimes Sometimes a problem occurs in a young marriage when the first baby is born because the wife makes the mistake of becoming closer to her baby than to her husband. The baby is the center of her life and the husband feels like an outsider. But no one should be closer to you than your marriage partner. I like this definition of cleaving. Cleaving is love which has made a decision and is no longer groping and seeking love. Love which cleaves is mature love. Love which has decided to remain faithful. Faithful to one person and to share one's whole life with this one person. When you are married, you can test an action, attitude, word, or decision against the biblical standard of pleading in this way. Ask yourself these questions. Will this draw us closer or drive us apart? Will it build our relationship or tear it down? Will it bring about a positive response or a negative response? Does it express my love and loyalty to my mate or does it reveal my self-centered individualism? The third part of the biblical marriage council involves oneness in the fullest possible sense. They shall be one flesh, God ordains. This includes intimate physical union without shame. For Genesis 2:25 says, "And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed." But to be one flesh includes both physical knowledge of each other and a tender, intimate personal knowledge. So the leaving Believing and knowing each other results in a new identity in which the two of you are meant to merge into one. One in mind, heart, body, and spirit. This is why divorce is so incredibly painful. Why it is so devastating? Because it is not two people who are left but two fractions of one. Now you might think that perhaps this council from the book of Genesis has been changed in succeeding centuries. We find that the Lord Jesus Christ speaks the same words in the Gospel of Mark 10:es 2-12 and in Matthew 19:es 3-12. Here is a divine viewpoint of marriage. Please listen carefully. And the Pharisees came to him and asked him, "Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife?" Tempting him. And he answered and said unto them, "What did Moses command you?" And they said, "Moses suffered a man to write a bill of divorcement and to put her away." And Jesus answered and said unto them, "For the hardness of your heart. He wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation, God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they too shall be one flesh. So then there are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put a end of quote. So you see that marriage is a legal public commitment to leave all else, cleave together, and become one. flesh, sharing everything that you have, your bodies, your material possessions, your thoughts and feelings, your joy and suffering, your hopes and fears, your successes and failures for as long as you both live on this earth. This is a legal commitment made under the laws of your country. It is a public commitment made with the knowledge of your family, friends, and acquaintances. It is a spiritual commitment made in the sight of God and is he who will in a mysterious ious way cause you to become one flesh as you join in physical union. And while the emotions of love may fluctuate from time to time, the fact of marriage is there to guard your love and to give you the permanence and the security of which you can work out problems and continue to grow in love, understanding, and oneness. Although marriage itself is your first line of protection against the forces that would rob you of your love, there are dangers you should be aware of now before they creep up on you. I Think of these as thieves that would break in, tunnel through the walls of marriage, and actually destroy your love relationship if they're allowed to go on unchecked. I want you to be able to identify these destroyers and replace their threat with a safeguard. Enhance and strengthen your love relationship. There are at least 10 destroyers of love, which I warn couples of in premarriage counseling. You can remember these by the letter D for destroyers. The first on my list sounds rather harmless. Distractions. Distractions are those things that rob you of the opportunity to really get to know each other and build your love for each other. One of the chief villains is the television set. I recommend that newlywed couples do not get a TV set for at least the first year. This may sound absurd. Did you know that television, unless carefully controlled, can be the greatest thief of your time, eating up your prime time? taking away the most wonderful hours of your day. Hours which should be spent in personal communication and sharing. Those moments when you should be learning how to relate to one another. There is no giving, no receiving when you're spending your time watching television. TV viewing promotes passive behavior. People wrapped up in watching TV have neither the motivation nor the energy to develop a real love affair. It can become so hypnotic that one does not realize how much time is being given to TV viewing. Television certainly can hinder your sex life. People that I counsel sometimes complain that the husband is involved with the TV all evening, paying no attention to his wife, then comes to bed and wants instant sex while she feels ignored and totally turned off. Or the wife may stay up to watch the late show, then expects the husband still to be alert and ready for love making after that. Sometimes television viewing is used deliberately as a mean of avoiding sex. So weigh your pri parties and decide which you would rather have. A life spent passively staring into a television screen or an exciting growing love relationship with your husband or wife. While we're speaking of bedtime problems, let me encourage you to make a habit of being in bed by 10 p.m. together. If one of you has to do something, get up later and take care of it or get up early in the morning for your studying or whatever. Other distractions may come when you're pressured by studies or a demanding new job. The first year of your marriage life should be as pressure-free as possible so that you can give full concentration to your marriage partner and to establishing the right patterns of love and communication in your marriage. Never plan on getting married just before entering college or graduate school when the demand on your time and efforts will be very great. Seminary or medical school, for instance, requires intense study and most of your energy. So, schedule your marriage at the beginning of of a vacation or at a time when your employment will not demand too much mental or emotional energy. The Old Testament commandment for newlyweds instructed that the new husband should not go to war or be charged with any business, that he should be free at home for one year to cheer up his wife. In our day, we could hardly expect a man to take off for a one-year honeymoon. But there is a definite scriptural principle here that the first few weeks and months of marriage are a crucial time for the young couple. and all distractions should be avoided. We can discover other principles from this biblical commandment that are relevant to the two of you today. One, nothing is as important as the health of your marriage and your growth in oneness. Two, to concentrate on knowing each other and building a close love relationship is pleasing to the Lord. Three, it takes time spent together to properly lay the foundations of marriage. Four, it is essential for the husband to learn how to meet his wife's needs. Five, you must know your partner in depth if you are to love, understand, help, and encourage. Six, marriage mates are meant to be teammates yolked together to serve God effectively. Becoming teammates takes time and cooperation in an atmosphere as free from distraction as possible. And seven, according to the creator's wisdom, The first year is crucial in any marriage and should be lived with care and forethought. Other distractions arise when one or both have not fully obeyed the first principle of the divine marriage ordinance. For instance, when they cannot leave their group environments or special interests to build their new life together, it becomes impossible to develop a real love relationship and divorce maybe just a few years ahead. I'm going to share a part of letter I received from a heartbroken young husband because he speaks quite frankly of the downhill slide of his marriage and the distractions that caused it. He writes, "My wife's divorce proceedings are just days away. By way of my attorney, I postponed answering the papers but have run out of time. There's no doubt, Dr. Week, that I am guilty of most everything you warned against. Neither she nor I were fully aware of our obligation to God and to each other when We made our vows. As time went on, we managed to draw away from each other by not sharing in each other's world. She placed manipulative conditions on our sex life. I had to do certain things such as wash dishes and so forth to win a few intimate moments. I realized that I failed to follow most of the guidelines you give for love. It was not a matter of not loving her in my heart, but my blindness to her needs as well as my own selfishness. My job requires quite a bit of time, which was had enough. But I also didn't open up the rest of my life to her as I should. Her parents never let us be, constantly interfering with our lives. Her mother constantly wanted her to come by and go places with her. So, I did not really feel necessary in her life. I began to come home to supper on the stove and a quick disc soando with mama. In my failure, I didn't set about to improve our situation. Instead, I found ways to amuse myself. And in time, our lives became two different paths. And our home stop for sleep. Our separate paths began to bring about sexual hunger in me and once again I failed. I had an affair to try to counter this frustration. I knew this was sin and my conscience aided me. I see now that I was substituting selfishness for the patience I should have had and was thinking only how to fulfill myself. When I finally came to the point of suggesting that we seek help for our marriage, it was too late for my wife. I've tried fervently to seek forgiveness and to reconcile, but her response has been hatred and end of quote. This letter reveals how parents may become a serious distraction. This is why you should not live with your parents after marriage and you should not even spend a great deal of time with one another. In fact, you're not ready to marry unless you can be financially and emotionally independent of your own family. Never allow a parent to fill an emotional role that should be reserved for your mate alone. No genuinely loving parent will expect this or seek it. The second destroyer of marriage may not sound too threatening. It is debt. Doesn't Everybody have debts? Well, you should know statistically that the major cause of disagreement in marriage today is the handling of money. In 80% of divorces, inability to manage money is a significant cause of the trouble. Experts believe that at least half of all divorces are now directly caused by financial disagreements and the emotional pressures of overindness. Probably the majority of married couples today find themselves more or less financially trapped by the habit of overspending, hoping to make enough in the future. to pay for what they're using up today. But you are in the enviable position of just starting up with the opportunity to stay out of the debt trap. This is something you and your partner should discuss thoroughly before your marriage. You should recognize possible danger signs in your present pattern of spending. For instance, are you preoccupied with thoughts about money and things? Do you charge items because you can't pay cash? Do you use spending as an emotional therapy? In other words, go out and buy something in order to cheer yourself up? Do you spend impulsively? Do you invade savings to meet current expenses? The point is that finances will always prove to be a divisive topic in your marriage, no matter how much money you're making. Unless you develop the right attitudes together, preferably before you say, "I do." I warn couples in premarriage counseling to avoid going into debt for depreciating items such as furniture or a new automobile. Borrowing money before marriage or soon after is like adding another phrase to the marriage vows. Till death do us part. In other words, let not money put us under what God has gone together. You will be much happier if you buy only what you can afford and then spend your weekends together fixing up your car or building furniture or searching for treasures at auctions and yard sales. Financial freedom will give you power to utilize your money as you two decide, not as the money lenders choose for you. If you want to enjoy your life together and develop your love relationship, don't commit your funds to such an extent that you do not have cash available for the little things that are so much fun to do together. So, agree in advance that financial freedom will be your goal. This involves three big decisions. Number one, you decide at the very beginning that you will not spend what you do not have. Number two, you decide that you will trust God instead of trusting alone. Number three, you will make a resolute commitment to keep a part of what you earn each month. Financial progress is made only through savings, not earnings. For specific help in this area, I recommend the cassette Bible course entitled Christian Financial Concepts by Larry Burquette. This course can be ordered from Bible believers cassettes 130 Spring Street, Springdale, Arkansas 72764 or you may call toll-free 18006433056. Another destroyer of love in marriage is disagreement when it is unresolved. You see, any two people trying to merge their lives into one are going to have some disagreements. Everyone is in compatible in some ways at first. But conflict becomes a problem when it is not quickly resolved. My counsel is never go to bed with unresolved conflict between you. As the Bible words it so vividly, let not the sun go down upon your rest. I know one couple who made a commitment at the time of their marriage to kiss each other every night before they went to sleep. They said this practice has helped them to solve disagreements before the night is over. For it is hard to kiss when you're angry. When anger is harbored over a period of time, it builds up to an explosion or it turns into resentment and finally bitterness. Some people have the childhood habit of pouting without saying anything. They fume under the surface for days or weeks at a time. But this is not God's way and it will damage any marriage. So agree ahead of time to resolve negative attitudes towards each other by the end of the day or do not go to bed until you do. You both will need to learn the grace of forgiveness in your marriage or quite frankly nothing will destroy your marriage any quicker than an unforgiving spirit. You're going to do things that your partner will have to for forgive and your partner is going to do things that you will have to forgive. This is a part of marriage. So if you want a marriage full of love, you cannot afford the luxury of resentment or self-pity or anger. Unforgiveness toward your mate in any form will be the death blow to love. Now forgiveness is something you do in obedience to God, not something you necessarily feel at first. God never commanded you to feel a certain way, but he did say what to do. do. First, you use your freedom of choice to make the choice to forgive. This happens in the mind. Second, you back it up with action, behaving toward your partner in the loving manner that the Bible has prescribed, replacing negative thoughts and words and deeds with positive ones. Third, you trust God to do his part by renewing your mind and giving you new transformed attitudes. Here's what you do when you know you been wrong. Quickly tell your mate that you regret what you did and show by your speech and actions and attitudes that you really are aware of your wrongdoing and would like to write it. Never use the word if when you're speaking of this. Simply admit you're wrong and ask for forgiveness. This means much more than saying if I have hurt you in some way, I'm sorry. Never try to put guilt on your partner. Never even hint that your partner is in some way to blame. If you're absolutely unable to resolve your conflict within one week, then seek outside spiritual counsel. It is important not to let a seed of bitterness take root and spring up to smother your love. The fourth destroyer of love in marriage is an unpleasant condition we can sum up in one word, distance. Emotional distance and physical distance from each other. We find in the second chapter of Genesis that marriage was designed by God to meet the first problem of the human race, loneliness. Let's read Genesis 2:18-22. And the Lord God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him help me meet for him." And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every fowl of the air, and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them. And whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, to the fowl of the air, and every east of the field. But for Adam there was not found and help me meet for him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept. And he took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh instead thereof. And the rib which the Lord God had taken from man made he a woman and brought her under the man. Picture this one man in a perfect environment, but alone. He had the fellowship of God and the company of birds and animals. He had interesting work to do for he was given the task of observing, categorizing and naming all living creatures. But he was still alone. God observed that this was not good. So a wise and loving creator provided a perfect solution. He made another creature like the man yet wondrously unlike him. She was taken from him, but she complimented him. She was totally suitable for him spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and physically. According to God, she was designed to be his helper. This term helper refers to a beneficial relationship where one person aids or supports another person as a friend and ally. Perhaps you have thought of a helper as a subordinate, a sort of servant. But you will see the woman's calling in a new light when you realize that exactly the same Hebrew word is used of God himself in Psalm 46:1, where he is called our helper, a very present help in trouble. Marriage always begins with a need that has been there from the dawn of time, a need for companionship and completion. Marriage was designed to relieve the fundamental loneliness that every human experiences. In your own case, to the degree to which your mate does not meet your needs spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically, and to the degree to which you do not meet your mate's needs, the two of you will still be alone. God's plan is for the two of you to complete each other, and this requires closeness rather than distance. This is why it is so important for a newlywed couple to make all efforts to build a new life together rather than continuing to pursue their separate interests and sometimes keeping their separate friends. You may be told by some people that you can spend time away from one another without hurting your marriage relationship. But that is Satan's lie. Physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual closeness cannot be accomplished by separation, by distance. And it is this closeness that fulfills and satisfies, which causes two to become one according to God's design. To safeguard your love from the threat of distance in your marriage, you need to develop warm physical closeness as a habitual part of your days and nights. We will have more to say about that on the second cassette. You also need to develop emotional closeness that comes from sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings, enthusiasms, in fact the whole of life with each other. It is this closeness which makes every day exciting and meaningful. It actually contributes to the health and happiness and emotional stability both of you can enjoy. And when the crises of life come, it is this close intimate relationship that will take you through it together. The husband or wife missing this relationship tends to become lonely and depressed. So even as sharing may well be the central secret of lasting love, distance may be the factor that destroys the bond of love. Distance often leads to the next destroyer which may be called disunityity, the breaking of the marriage union, the one flesh relationship through unfaithfulness. Infidelity is said to be a major factor in 60% of divorces today and it used usually begins as a result of loneliness. One counselor making a study of marital triangles found that all too often an affair occurs with the spouse's best friend. Why? Because human beings do have a great need for a meaningful onetoone relationship. When it is not being satisfied within the marriage, they will look elsewhere, consciously or unconsciously. Of course, there are more opportunities for closeness with the marriage partner's best friend than anyone else. Keep Keep in mind that intimate talks are often a key factor in developing the feeling of being in love either with your partner or with someone else. So save those private intimate talks for your own mate. The keys to developing a love attraction are familiarity, availability, and acceptance. And these conditions may be easily fulfilled with a close friend of the family. So be warned if you invest an emotional and physical closeness with your own partner, you will find a satisfaction and happiness that carries with it no regrets or a bitter aftermath. If you will pour your energy into loving your partner and meeting his needs and if he is doing the same for you, you will have such an enjoyable love affair going that there will be no room for anyone else in the picture. You will complete each other according to the design of God. The sixth destroyer of love in marriage is disapproval. How do we use usually show our disapproval by criticism. As a marriage counselor, I frequently observe people attempting to improve their marriage partners by criticizing them, carefully and continually pointing out their faults and mistakes. But I have never seen this change anyone for the better. Instead, it puts miles of emotional distance between a husband and wife who may be secretly longing for closeness. The truth about criticism is almost startling when fully grasped. Criticism can actually be the death blow to love, intimacy, and all the good things you want to build in your marriage. So, listen to yourselves. Some couples fall into the habit of unconscious criticism, constantly carving on a small scale woven into their daily conversation. If there is habitual criticism already present in your relationship, you can do something about it immediately. On your part, totally refrain from criticism, no matter how much you want to retaliate. Instead, replace the critical words with positive words of praise and encouragement. It can reverse the whole trend of your relationship. The point is that emotional closeness can grow only in a place of safety. If the two of you are afraid of hurt, rebuke, criticism, and misunderstanding, you will find it difficult to touch and share freely. So my counsel to couples on the way to the altar is make a commitment to each other to stay away from criticism and disapproval totally. My wife and I have followed this practice for many years, and it is such a joy to be able to count on each other's approval and encouragement rather than dreading disapproval and criticism. The next destroyer of love is a close relative of disapproval. I call it downgrading, the very opposite of edifying. To edify means to build up, and that is what we're commanded to do for each other at all times. Here are two concise statements from God's word that should be imprinted onto every newlywed's mind. First, love covers a multitude of sins. This is found in 1 Peter 4:8. Second, love builds up. This is found in 1 Corinthians 8:1. Here in our own words is this two-part counsel from God to those who want a happy marriage. First of all, overlook mistakes and never criticize. Secondly, always encourage and build up your partner. Instead of downgrading your partner, you need to build him or her up and in every aspect of his personality, cheering him on in every area of life and increasing his sense of self-worth with the result that his capacity to love and give of himself will be increased as well. But how do you specifically build up your mate? A careful study of New Testament principles and the example of the married couple in the Song of Solomon indicates that husbands and wives have their own special ways of edifying each other. In brief, the husband edifies his wife by praising her by verbal lovemaking. by telling her how lovely she is and how much she pleases him. The wife edifies her husband by showing her admiration and respect for him and by her loving response to him. Husbands are commanded in Ephesians chapter 5 to nourish and cherish their wives. This is at least partially accomplished through the giving of verbal praise and encouragement. A wife's sense of her own beauty depends greatly on what her husband thinks of her. She needs to be nourished emotionally with praise and never diminished by criticism. especially in the areas where she feels most insecure and vulnerable. She needs to be cherished in public and the husband needs to remember this and to cherish her in the way he treats her socially. You can be sure that a genuinely beautiful wife has been protected and cherished by a husband who has shown a sensitive response to her special need. By building up rather than cutting down, you will give your partner freedom to grow and develop as a person without fear of failure or fear of hurtful criticism. Some husbands who manage to keep from critic izing their wives still have not learned the art of praise and it is said the best way to compliment your wife is frequently a wife best edifies her husband by her response to him and the full meaning of the words used in the Greek New Testament a wife is told to respect admire be in awe of defer to revere adore esteem praise and deeply love her husband God has designed marriage so that a husband is dependent on the air of his wife, the appreciation she shows him for all that he gives her and her demonstration of respect for his manhood. It is wounding when a husband criticizes his wife. It is equally wounding when the wife downgrades what her husband has provided for her. The eighth destroyer of love in marriage is distrust. This of course develops out of the conditions we have just been discussing. Without continuing demonstration of mutual trust and loyalty, no lasting love affair can develop. This Trust begins with a sense of belonging that the two of you can nurture and build over a period of time. Here's what one couple told us about exhibiting loyalty and building trust. They said, and I quote, "On the way to our June wedding, we thought we had everything going for us. Our friendship was warm, our romantic feelings even warmer, and as for the fires of passion, they were just waiting for the match. After we settled into married life, the companionship and sexual desire and romantic thrills were still there, but it was all a little less perfect than we had expected. because we were such imperfect people. The pink glow of romance hadn't prepared us for that. We weren't Christians then, so we didn't know their agape love could glue us together. Fortunately, something else brought us through those first rocky years when weighted bliss almost got buried under the unbliss. You might call what developed between us a sense of belonging. We had decided right from the start that it was us against the world, two people forming a majority of one. So whatever happened or however much we clashed in private, We stuck by each other. We were like a brother and sister on the playground. We might scrap with each other, but let an outsider try to horn in, and he had to take us both on. If one of us hurt, the other wiped away the tears. We made a habit of believing in each other while our careers got off the ground. We showed each other all the kindness that two impatient young people could be expected to show and then some more. It really wasn't long until we discovered something stupendous about our relationship. We found we belonged. We came first with each other and always would because we belong to each other. No one could spoil our love and togetherness from the outside. Only we could do that, and we weren't about to. It was too good to lose. A lot of people seem to spend their whole life looking for a feeling of belonging. Maybe they don't know that marriage is the best place to find it. End of quote. Developing this sense of belonging will bring mutual trust in your relationship for a lifetime. Incidentally, that couple has been married for more than a quarter century, and they're more in love than ever. The ninth on my list of destroyers of love Love in marriage is drinking. In 66% of divorces, excessive use of alcohol is a major factor. And this begins with social drinking. As a medical doctor who has treated many problem drinkers, I can tell you exactly how the intake of alcohol can affect your sex life. It sometimes provokes some sexual desire, but at the same time, it takes away much of the ability to perform or enjoy sexual union. Because alcohol always acts as a depressant on the neurological system, it can inhibit a person's sexual functioning. as much as it does his coordination or speech. The person who has lost control of his drinking almost never has normal sexual ability. 50% of all practicing alcoholics are impotent. The male alcoholic retains a normal sexual desire but is deeply frustrated by his loss of ability to function sexually. This often drives him to seek even more escape through alcohol. And this is only one aspect of the destructive effect alcohol exerts on long-term happiness in marriage. It is interesting that two of the major Bible passages on marriage begin with a warning concerning drunkenness and go on to emphasize that the husband and wife should be sober avoiding beverage alcohol. The 10th destroyer of marriage is the most deadly of all. I refer to the devil, the evil one. We know from scripture that sin first came on the earthly scene in the first marriage and in the very first family division and hatred sprang up. That is where the devil began his deadliest work. This is why you will never have have a strong happy marriage and a harmonious family life just as a matter of course. Today, Satan is working to undermine the home, the most valuable institution on earth, through the idea of divorce. The world system under Satan's influence promotes the notion that if a marriage doesn't work, a divorce should be quickly obtained and another try made with a new partner. Let me warn you that if you go into your marriage with the idea of divorce in the back of your mind as an escape hatch in case things don't go to suit you, you will be sabotaging your own chance of happiness. Even keeping the word divorce in your vocabulary indicates a flaw in your commitment to each other, and this can hinder the total effort you would otherwise pour into your marriage. The best way to safeguard your love affair and your lasting happiness from the spiritual forces of evil that are always set on destroying marriages and families is to learn to love each other according to the instructions God gave in the Bible. It is to learn to relate to each other biblically and to apply the wisdom the creator gives. to your relationship. On the second side of this first cassette, we will discuss the power of unconditional love and the love life pattern God has given to us in the scriptures. Then on the next cassette, you will receive sexual counsel and ideas on learning to enjoy affectionate physical touching apart from your sexual love making. I will also tell you how you can enter into a wonderful new relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ if you have not already done so. I can promise you that you and your marriage partner can have a thrilling lifelong love affair better than any romance literature has written about our movies have filmed. If only you will develop it in God's way. This is Dr. Ed Wheat continuing with premarriage counsel for the engaged couple. We're so glad that you're concerned with planning for a good marriage before the adventure begins. Well, there's no doubt that next to the decision to trust Jesus Christ as your personal savior, this wedding will be the most significant event of your life with lifelong consequences. You know, nothing has begun with such high hopes and shining expectations, yet disappoints as often as romantic love and marriage. This may seem like a negative concept to mention to you at this time when you're on the threshold of your wedding with high romantic hope for your future. But when love fails, there is always an underlying reason. Usually, the lovers are operating on the basis of misinformation and misconceptions about love itself. They have no clear understanding of what love is and is not. They do not know how to love and in many cases they have never made a genuine lifelong commitment to love. They have taken their wedding vows with divorce in the back of their mind as the escape hatch should the marriage not work out. For the next few moments, I want to share some correct information about love. These are principles you need to know. So listen carefully. What you believe about love, true or false, will shape your behavior and responses after you're married. And it will determine your future happiness together and your emotional well-being too. The first thing you should realize about love is that it is rational, not irrational. It is not something mysterious or incomprehensible. You can learn what love is from the word of God. You can understand what love is and grow in your understanding of it throughout your lifetime. For example, the entire Bible is a love story that you can learn from. The story of God's unfailing love for a human race that is often unlovable. It is a pursuing love. A love without limits, proving itself in the sacrifice of God's son on the cross. Continuing,
for God so loved the world that he gave. You see, if we were to sum up all we can learn about love through a scriptural study of God's love for mankind, it could be stated as simply as this.
Love is always doing the very best for the object of one's love.
This is what love is and what love does. And there's nothing mysterious about that. The motivation for this love again based on biblical principles is that love recognizes a unique value in the beloved and chooses to affirm the value of the beloved always. Love is a choice you make. Of course, there's much more to learn about love from the scriptures. As we observe the daily life of the Lord Jesus Christ, we can see him displaying perfect love in every situation. So, we can learn by example. In Ephesians 5 and Song of Solomon and other passages in the Bible, we can learn the perfect p pattern for married love. In 1 Corinthians chapter 13 shows us the nature of love with specific descriptions of how love behaves, especially when it is tested. We see that real love is always a choice backed up by action. So the first principle of love is that you can learn what it is and what it does from the word of God. The Bible is our only accurate source of information concerning love. Most psychiatry and psychology books and textbooks do not even have the word love in their index. The Encyclopedia Bratannica does not attempt to explain love and does not even have a listing for it. But the mystery is solved when we turn to the Bible, the great textbook and source of all our knowledge concerning love. The point is that the two of you need to understand what love is in order to build it in your marriage. And this is possible because you have the scriptures. The second principle of love is that although it can be understood, it is not easy or simple to practice. It is an art that you must want to learn. learn and pour your life into it. I encounter young people, usually teenagers, from time to time, who think that love is the simplest thing in the world, requiring neither thought nor effort. It's just a matter of doing what comes naturally, they believe. Well, if you do what comes naturally, you'll be wrong almost every time. The fact is that love is costly. It requires much from the lover, even when the giving is pure joy. I hope you will look at love as an art to be learned. But the art of loving is just as challenging as the art of music or the art of medicine or any other disciplined in life. In my case, I spent years learning the art of medicine. Then learning how to put those theories into practice. I wanted to learn to practice medicine so much that I was willing to put everything I had into it. Years later, I approached the art of loving my wife in the same manner. So, if you want to master the art of loving and obtain the rewards of a tremendously happy marriage, you're going to have to learn the principles of building love into your marriage and then practice them on a daily basis. Above all, you must want to learn and be willing to pour your very life into it. I can say from experience, it is worth the effort. The third principle is that love is an active power that you control by your own will. You are not the helpless slave of love. You can choose to love. It is important to grasp this principle in light of the current films, television shows, and romantic novels which suggest that love itself is no more than an un controllable feeling that comes and goes, landing where it is not wanted and departing just as mysteriously. Most romantic plots are based on the premise that love is a feeling that just happens or else it doesn't happen or it happens and stops happening so that nothing can be done to recapture the feeling once it goes. We just don't love each other anymore. A couple may say, as if that were all love is, just a crazy feeling. The truth is that love is an active power that you were meant to control by your own will. You are not just a prisoner of love. As the song goes, if you're a Christian with the love of God shed abroad in your heart, you can choose with your will to love and you can refuse to be enslaved by passing emotions. The fourth principle is that love is the power that will produce love as you learn to give it rather than straining to attract it. People today are being told through the repetition of advertising that they must learn how to be lovable in order to be loved. They are promised that they will become more lovable as they choose the proper toothpaste for perfume, shaving cream or deodorant. Our society seems to measure lovableness by three yard sticks: popularity, sex appeal, and use of the right cosmetics. But God's word shows the real secret of being lovable and desirable to your marriage partner. It involve learning how to give love rather than straining to attract it. But this is a powerful secret that relatively few people know. Let's summarize these principles of love. Real love is not mysterious or irrational. It is not a simple easy doing what comes naturally. It is not an uncontrollable feeling. It does not come just because you're trying to attract it. On the other hand, you can learn what love is through the word of God. You can learn the art of loving. You can choose to love. You can produce love by giving it first and giving it wisely. Love sees that there is a unique value in the beloved and chooses to affirm the value of the beloved always. Love consistently does the best for the beloved. Love is an active power which you control with your will. Love is always a choice backed up by action. Love is costly even when the giving is pure joy. Now, here's the exciting part. The desired feelings of love will come as a result of right thinking and right actions. Understanding and applying these principles I've just given you will lead to the desired feelings and result in a romantic and satisfying and lasting love affair in your marriage. Many Marriages that fail were based to begin with on lust or infatuation or empty sentimentality. But if you will build your life and your love on the truth, you will have a wonderful lifetime love affair to look forward to. You see, it is God's will for you as husband and wife to love each other with an absorbing physical, emotional, and spiritual attraction which will continue to grow throughout your lifetime together. Always remember that Satan wants to destroy your relationship and your Christian home, but God wants to build your love relationship and he intends for you and your mate to experience this love bond together, not with substitutes. You must work at building love in your marriage, even though the work may be highly enjoyable. And you must do it in God's way. As we have explained in our book, Love Life for every married couple, there are five aspects of love, five ways of loving, all of which should be present in your relationship. These are sexual desire, romantic feelings, The sense of loyal belonging that the Bible calls stoay. The enjoyable cherishing friendship love that the Bible calls in verb form fileo and the totally unselfish commitment love that the Bible calls agape. If you would like to understand each of these loves in depth and would like to know how to build each of these in your marriage, I recommend that you obtain our book Love Life or our counseling album, also called Love Life. It may be ordered from Scriptural Council Incorporated, 130 Spring Street, Springdale, Arkansas. Or you may call toll-free 1800 6433477. In this album, Before the Wedding Night, we're going to devote the second cassette primarily to sexual counsel and to the affection, physical touching that is so important to the love life of any married couple. But another important phase of your love life will involve Friendship love. The two of you becoming best friends as well as romantic lovers. The basic ingredients of friendship and marriage could be summed up in this way. Comradeship, companionship, and communication. Each begins with calm, a Latin word meaning together with. Comradeship literally means together in the same chamber or room. Companionship literally means taking bread together. Communication literally means possessing together. In communication, What is it that you possess together? The answer is meaning. You understand what the other one means, whether by word, touch, or gesture. And this is essential for a happy marriage. I call communication the indispensable factor of marriage. From your wedding day on, the two of you will need to be open and honest with each other and to keep the flow of feelings and thoughts moving freely between you. You really cannot do without this. In almost every trouble marriage, I counsel communication is nearly non-existent between the husband and wife. In fact, statistics indicate that 90% of all marriage counseling involves the attempt to restore communication or perhaps to teach the couple to communicate for the very first time. Ask yourselves, are you able to listen to each other now before your marriage with an understanding of what the other really means? Do you understand what he's really saying? Do you understand what she is really feeling? Is there an exchange of meaning between you as you talk? When you have difficulty coming to an understanding, do you keep on trying overcoming the barriers until the flow of meaning opens up between you again? There are three major reasons for learning to communicate and keeping the lines of communication open all the days of your marriage. First of all, it is to satisfy one of the most basic of human needs. Every man and woman need to be listened to and to feel that they are understood. Good. When God saw that it was not good for man to be alone, he created woman so that the two could listen to each other and understand each other. Marriage was designed by God for this kind of intimate companionship which is much more than taking bread together. It is knowing each other as you really are through the joy of communicating and this meets a fundamental human need. Second, you have to communicate if you're to know each other better and thus grow in love for each other. You Your real communicating is an important form of love making. As you listen and speak with one another, you're each directed to the other, not thinking about yourself, but about the others words, thoughts, and feelings. It's not a matter of winning or losing, giving up or giving in when you communicate. It's only a matter of giving of yourself to openly share what you are and to listen with all your ability to what your partner is saying and feeling as he tries to tell you who he is and how he feels. When you're giving to each other in this way, you never end up with less good, but always more. You have double the joy as you share yourself with each other. And fortunately, you have only half as much grief when you can share your inmost sorrows. The more deeply you know each other, the more meaningful your love life and marriage will be. Third, there's no way to effectively share a life, establish a home, and care carry on the mutual responsibilities of raising a family unless you are in close communication. The Bible poses the question, can two walk together except they be agreed? The answer is obviously no. It is not easy for two individuals with different backgrounds, different personalities, and different opinions to come to a place of unity. It can only be done with open, loving communication. The scripture tells us to be of one accord, of one mind in the Lord. This is not telling us to think exactly the same thing in exactly the same way. But it does assure us that when two Christians communicate on the basis of scriptural truth, they will be able to reach a place of accord in their thinking. Nowhere is this more important than in the marriage relationship. Now, as two people fall in love and become best friends as well as lovers, their relationship goes through three stages. First of all, there is a relaxation stage where you learn to be comfortable with each other, to share are simple activities, pleasures, feelings, and experiences. You learn to trust each other so that you're no longer on guard. You can feel at ease and enjoy being together. And you find that you like to confide in each other. You talk things over. You count on one another's understanding and loyalty. And you can ask each other for help. You value the others advice. You are communicating with warmth and affection. The second phase is the rapport stage. Rapport means harmony. This is the stage when you're ready to share aspects of yourself that are precious and vulnerable. You're not afraid to tell the other person who you really are. It becomes joy to share yourself with your partner and you find yourselves in harmony. Someone has defined love as that deliberate act of giving oneself to another so that the other person constantly receives enjoyment. This is what you do in the rapport stage. And you don't just like to be together, you love being together. and you find it deeply fulfilling. In the mature stage of your relationship, you will come to the phase called revelation. It takes a lifetime to really understand each other. But in the revelation stage, both partners are freely open to one another. Both have gladly exchanged the original state of independence for an emotional interdependence that is not afraid to lean on, trust in, and to seek fulfillment of personal needs and desires. from the other. Both the needs and the longing of the other are understood and met on a mutual basis, and each is sensitive to the other as a whole person, recognizing the partner's uniqueness and discerning what will meet the beloved's need. At this point, the husband and wife are so skilled in communicating with each other that they can send emotional signals as well as factual messages and know that they will be received accurately. I've shared these stages with you so that you can know what you have to look forward to as you learn. to communicate now and keep growing in communication throughout your married life. You can also gauge your present level of communication before the wedding by noting which stage you're presently in. Now, here are 12 ways to develop meaningful communication. Number one, make it a practice to give each other your total attention as you talk together. Listen to each other from the very beginning of the conversation with an attentive ear to what the other really is saying and feeling. Number two, Do not interrupt each other or jump to conclusions about what the other is saying. This can be annoying and will discourage some people from even trying to communicate. Number three, acknowledge that you understand even if you disagree. Repeat your partner's thoughts and feelings back to him so that he is sure you understand correctly. If you disagree, don't make it sound as though you're disapproving of him and his thoughts. Number four, when you share your feelings, be Careful not to sound as though you're heaping blame on your partner. Remember, whenever either of you goes on the defensive, your communication goes, too. And rapport must be reestablished. Don't spend your time trying to justify yourself. Number five, never repeat to anyone else the things your partner shares with you privately. Number six, remember that silence is almost always a negative feedback unless it is accompanied by non-verbal signals that you understand and share your partner's feelings. such as by a squeeze of the hand or a smile. It is most often the husband who hinders communication with an unresponsive silence. As a counselor, I have seen how a husband's silence, his seeming indifference to his wife's feelings, and his refusal to discuss things with her can destroy a marriage. Of course, sometimes it's the wife who retreats into this negative factor in a relationship. Number seven, because women usually feel more need to talk than men. The husband should learn that he can love his wife just by listening. Real listening, which means concentration accompanied by eye contact. Number eight, give each other focused attention by spending time together alone with the television turned off. Plan for times when you will be uninterrupted and arrange longer periods for this so that both of you can warm up, let the fences down, and feel free to share your inmost thoughts. Some coup plan short retreats at least twice a year when they can go to some nearby quiet place for a weekend together with the purpose of having time to talk and pray about their marriage, gaining a better perspective together of the way it has been and the way they want it to be. This is also a time to communicate long range goals and how to carry them out together. Number nine, from the beginning of your marriage, make it a point to share your feelings with each other, but not in such a way that your partner feels was rebuked or criticized. Some people do not find it easy to say what they feel, so practice this until it does become a natural part of your communication. Number 10, be willing to show your vulnerable, needy side to your partner. Don't be afraid to say, "I need you." There's often a desire to conceal feelings and thoughts as a self-protective device. But as you communicate, you learn to be honest, even about your own weaknesses. You cannot communicate meaningfully unless you're willing to reveal yourself and risk rejection. Number 11. If honesty is essential, and the Bible says it is, for the scriptures tell us to put away lying and speak truth, then love is equally essential in practicing the art of communication. The scriptures say speaking the truth in love. The book of Proverbs warns that it's possible to speak like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the wise is health. The ideal wife is described is having the law of kindness on her tongue. So let your honest communication be always controlled by the law of kindness, by the law of love. Number 12, apply the B ST principle in your communication. In other words, as you talk with each other, bless with your words, edify or build up the other by what you say, share openly and honestly with each other, and touch physically while you talk. Bless Edify, share, touch. B E S T. This means moving closer and looking into each other's eyes as you have conversation. You will find that this greatly enhances the pleasure of communication, but you need to do it regularly, not just occasionally. Remember the three stages of friendship love. First, you like to be together and begin talking things over together, even confiding in one another. Second, You are ready to share secret aspects of yourself with the other and it becomes a joy and peace just being together. Third, you have a mature and steadfast understanding between you. You have an eagerness to know each other completely and to be as close emotionally as possible. You're not afraid to be completely open with the other. In a sense, even though you always retain your own individuality, the two of you then have become one. And this is according to the plan of God. It happens through communication, the indispensable factor. Now, if I were to ask you, why do you want to marry each other? Give me some specific reasons. What would your answer be? Occasionally, somebody will give you reasons like this. I want to marry her because she fulfills all my needs. I want to marry him because he takes care of me. He does this for me or that for me. In an immature relationship, the reasons focus on what the other person can do for me. Without the balance of what I want to do for the other person. If you're marrying because of what you think marriage can do for you, it is not the right time to marry. Marriage actually puts a powerful strain on your relationship until you learn the art of loving in all the ways we describe on these cassettes and then some more. You will not always be able to meet each other's expectations. You will discover some strong incompatibilities as you begin living together. You will see things in the other's personality or behavior that displease you, annoy you and sometimes make you downright furious. Believe me, your partner will be having the same experience, discovering unloly qualities in a person he or she thought was just about perfect. You will both be disappointed in each other from time to time. But there is a solution. It is called unconditional love. What it means is simple. You go on loving no matter how your partner behaves. Your love for your partner does not depend on him or her, but on you, on your choice. choice to love no matter what, to keep on loving. And in making this choice and forming the habit of unconditional love, you're giving your beloved the most wonderful gift that any person can give to another. Psychiatrists and counselors agree that there is no substitute for the incomparable emotional well-being that comes from feeling loved and accepted completely and unconditionally. What are some of the benefits? First, your partner's self-image is going to be greatly improved. The better a person feels feels about himself, the better he is able to function in a marriage relationship. One who feels loved all of the time, knowing it is not based on his performance, but on his unique value as a person is going to be able to relax and love generously in return. The person who feels lovable can express love in return. The person who feels he has something to give will gladly give it. When your partner feels at ease with himself, he becomes a more enjoyable companion. When you totally accept your partner instead of rating his performance or focusing on his weak points, you will be doing yourself a large favor as well. Second, this habit of unconditional love can take you both safely through periods of emotional stress. There are times when your partner is going to go through a difficult period for one reason or another. And just the time when your partner is most vulnerable to hurt, he or she is apt to behave in unattractive ways. This is a signal that you need to give more love than ever. Unconditional love will meet your mate's needs during the troubled periods that come to almost everyone at some time in life. This is the best possible medicine to ensure good mental health. Third, if the two of you surround each other in an atmosphere of unconditional love, you will both find the security and stability that will help you to grow and become the kind of individuals you want to be. Fourth, the choice to express unconditional love makes every day smoother and even the most trying of days. Because you've established this habit, you do not behave disagreeably just because you're feeling depressed, worried, ill, or worn out. You continue to treat your partner with courtesy and kindness, and you avoid those uncontrolled outbursts that can be devastating to the love life of marriage. Because you have practiced it, you know how to draw on the divine supply of patience. Therefore, your partner does not become your emotional football. You consistently behave with love, no matter how you feel or how your partner makes you feel. This does not at all develop in a day, but it does happen as you establish the practice of expressing unconditional love so that your thoughts, reactions, and behavior run regularly in that channel. Fifth, unconditional love removes the spirit of defensiveness on both sides. You see, you no longer feel the need to defend yourself from attack or to cut your partner down through criticism. The syndrome of incessant complaining and explaining, accusing and self-justifying will be happily absent from your relationship. Sixth, by giving your marriage partner acceptance through unconditional love, you will find it much easier to work out whatever problems you have in adjusting to each other in marriage. But remember, acceptance must be given in the framework of permanent commitment. To feel that you are accepted today but just might be rejected tomorrow is of little use. The total commitment of agape love, that love which God makes possible in us through the gift of his own love, should be the bedrock foundation of your marriage. When you express agape habitually and live in an atmosphere of unconditional love, you will have a new serenity of heart because you're not now reacting like a rubber ball to everything that happens. As you may be aware, people who constantly react are never really free. Someone else is always in control, determining how they will feel and behave. You can see that your attitude to an unconditional Love may well determine the ultimate happiness of your marriage. Perhaps you should pause now and analyze your own approach to love. How were you loved in your parents' home? Were you loved conditionally depending upon your behavior? Were you punished by the withholding of love when you displeased your family? Or were you loved unconditionally the way God loves us? People often express love in the way they were loved as children. Now try to answer these questions honestly. Is your treatment of other people usually based on their behavior. Does your fiance's performance determine the degree of love that you give to him or her? Do you think that love should be shown only as a reward for good behavior? Do you feel that your fiance has to change before you can love him or her more? Do you think you can improve your fiance's behavior by withholding love? When you're displeased, how do you react? With sharp words, with cold silence, or with an honest discussion, an atmosphere of love that is always there no matter what. Do you behave consistently with a giving love that blesses the other that is independent of circumstances? This is an important area and the two of you need to discuss this and pray about it before marriage. Remember, the decision to consistently express unconditional love will be the greatest wedding gift you could ever give to your partner. When my wife Gay wrote a chapter for our book, Intended for Pleasure, She said this about the effect unconditional love has had on our marriage since we became Christians. She wrote, "Now I know the love Ed has for me is the same kind of love that Christ has for me. I am safe and secure in that love. I know that I can always talk to my husband and that I can trust his wisdom as a spiritual leader of our family." As we have become so used to pouring out our hearts together in prayer, we now are free to communicate about anything to each other. We are not afraid to expose ourselves and our faults because we know that we accept each other just as we are with all our frailies and faults and good points. How wonderful it is to know that I am not on a performance basis. No matter how poorly I perform, I'm still going to be loved and that has to make me perform better." End of quote. Since my wife and I became Christians more than 20 years ago, we have discovered from firstirhand knowledge that God's design for marriage really works. When husband and wife relate to each other according to the scriptural pattern and follow God's plan for loving each other. Happiness is a natural result. The scriptural love life pattern is not affected by time. These principles apply to any couple in any age or any culture. So let me describe the love life pattern for you in general outline and suggest how it can become the meaningful pattern for your own marriage. Ephesians chapter 5, 1 Peter chapter 3, the Song of Solomon and other biblical passages. give us specific information and examples as to how husband and wife can best relate to each other. The husband is charged with the responsibility of loving his wife, taking the responsibility for leadership in their life together, becoming the spiritual leader of the marriage, nourishing and cherishing his wife, protecting her, providing for her, treating her with special honor, surrounding her with his praise and approval so that she reflects his love for her, sacrificing for her, and if necessary, dying. If this sounds as though the greater weight of responsibility is put on the husband, you're correct. That is the way a wise creator designed it. The husband is responsible for his wife and for everything that occurs in the marriage and in the home. He is not always to blame, but he always bears the greater responsibility in God's sight. When people understand the husband's role as it really is according to the scriptures, then they can understand the wife's role in a clearer light. She is to be the enthusiastic responder to his love and all that he provides. She is to graciously adapt herself to her husband and show him respect. The King James version of the Bible uses the word submission. And this terminology has become controversial in our present day because it is misunderstood. Submission is primarily an attitude which a wife can choose to give to her husband as a precious gift. It becomes a willing adaptation to him, his position, his calling. It is a desire to please him more than herself. It is not an enforced obedience. It is her free gift of love and response to all that he means to her. It should be noted also that God instructs the wife to do this as a service unto the Lord. If a husband does not fulfill his role according to Ephesians, Eeesians chapter 5. It is of course more difficult for the wife to fulfill hers. If the husband does not behave in a way that warrants his wife's respect, it is hard for her to give it. And if she fails to respond to him in love, and if she constantly tears down and challenges his decisions, she may turn off the love he felt for her while she destroys the very qualities of leadership that she really needs from him and desire. Whatever the situation, your marriage has the best chance of succeeding happily if you're willing to assume the biblical role God has given you. No matter whether the other partner is doing his or her part. Listen to this important passage in Ephesians chapter 5. Although I usually read from the King James version, I'm using the Amplified New Testament now because this gives the fullest meaning of the words in their original language. And from this we can see the full picture of the responsibilities husband and wife have in marriage. I am beginning with verse 22. Wives be subject be submissive and adapt yourself to your own husbands as a service to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church himself the savior. of his body. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and faultless. Even so, husbands should love their wives as being in a sense their own body. He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and care protects and cherishes it as Christ does the church because we're members part of his body. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is very great, but I speak concerning the relationship of Christ in the church. However, let each man of you without exception love his wife as being in a sense his very own self, and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband, that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteemes him, and that she defers to him. praises him and loves and admires him exceedingly. End of quote from the Amplified New Testament. Remember that the husband is to love his wife enough to die for her and she is commanded to love her husband enough to live for him. A husband's love can be measured by what he is willing to give up for his wife. In fact, the man is to love his wife as he loves his own body. A man is to nourish his wife. This means meeting her total needs, not only her physical and material needs, but also her intellectual, emotional, and spiritual needs. Spiritually, the husband is to supply the nourishment from the Bible that will cause his wife to It is up to the husband, for instance, to see that you have Bible reading and study together every day of your marriage. If you meet a wife's needs when you nourish her, you meet her wants when you cherish her. This includes your affection, tenderness, care, and courtesy toward her. In short, your wife is a total person to be cared for. To cherish her means to bestow love and warmth upon her, and to cover her in protection as a mother's hen covers her young with her wings, to shield them from anything harmful. All of this requires the gift of time from a husband, as well as understanding and caring. First Peter 3:7 tells us that the husband is to give his wife honor. Literally, he is to put her at the highest price, to put her in the place of special privilege and prestige. Her every request should receive the highest concern from her husband. We also find in the same verse that the husband is to treat his wife as the more delicate, fragile vessel, the one more easily hurt, and the wife is told to respond with a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious and beautiful in sight of God, and with a reverence and respect for her husband. These guidelines may sound difficult and demanding to carry out. Emotional material M is necessary. This is a good reason for not marrying until you possess the emotional maturity to be the husband or wife you were designed to be. 1 Corinthians chapter 13 says, "Love seeketh not its own. Therefore, the husband who truly loves his wife will maturely shoulder his responsibility as leader and lover." The wife who truly loves her husband will not be thinking about her rights every time he asks something of. If she maturely loves her husband, she will be free to please him rather than worrying about herself. Ideally, she will try to please her husband creatively and do what he wants even before he asks. Just as the husband will look for creative ways to express his love to her before she asks for reassurance of his love. If you choose to love according to God's way of loving, you will find yourself watching for needs you can meet in your mate. God will show you specific needs which you can take pleasure in meeting. And what you sow you will reap just as the Bible says in Galatians 6 7-10. What you give will be returned to you. These divine principles will prove themselves again and again in the realm of your marriage as you both give to each other. Give first, give generously, and continue to give. A man should remember that a woman's emotional makeup requires words from her husband to assure her of his continuing love and admiration. In response, she will become more beautiful. A wife is always a reflection of her husband's attitude toward her. A woman should remember that a man's emotional makeup requires respect from his wife and that the other way she can easily demonstrate her love is by an enthusiastic response to his affection and love making. Now, I realize that those of you who are listening are for the most part engaged but not yet married. I must stress that a woman's submission to her husband does not begin till after marriage. The unwed girl is still responsible for her every action and should not be too yielding to her fiance, particularly in physical intimacies until the wedding night. Premarital sex is specifically forbidden 38 times in the Bible. We should realize that the laws of human behavior that make up the moral code of the Bible were designed for man and woman's blessing and protection. Only God knows just how deeply harmful premarital sex is. But from my point of view as a marriage counselor, I see that Many sexual hang-ups and unhappy marriages begin with guilt and poor sexual adjustment due to the haste, anxiety, and secrecy of sexual encounters before marriage. Physical touching always leads to sexual desire in the dating couple. You should be aware of this and try to limit your expressions of physical affection. In place of physical love making before marriage, you should keep busy and creative activities together. This is the time to develop common interests and to learn to be friends as well as prospective lover. It is a good time to become involved together in things that are of service to the Lord. and helpful to others. Most of all, you need to put your focus on the Lord and his purposes for you. We will conclude this cassette with seven warnings such as I give to couples when they are determining if they are right for each other in marriage. Number one, if you are a believer, do not marry an unbeliever. This is more of an issue than you may realize at the present time. Remember, marriage is not supposed to be a mission field. The two of you must be in agreement on all important matters if you are to spend the rest of your lives together with any degree of peace or happiness. Number two, Do not get married too young. The divorce rate is five times as high when teenagers marry. You should be old enough to be financially and emotionally independent of your parents before you marry. And you should be mature enough to face, talk over, and solve problems and serious disagreements in a scriptural manner, finding your guidance in God's word. Number three, do not get married on a wave of sexual desire. If physical attraction is all the marriage has going for it, it will seldom last more than two years. Number four, do not magnify sex out of context. If you focus on physical involvement, you may ignore the importance of other things. For instance, compatibility of your personality, common interest and similar background, and an accord in spiritual concern. Sexual desire is only one of the five ways of loving in marriage. Number five, do not get married under pressure or any kind of coercion. You should enter into marriage by the choice of your own free will. Then later, you will have no one to blame or thank but yourself. Number six, do not rationalize yourself into marriage. Don't marry because you think it will help you. settle down or it will be easier to study or because all your friends are married or because you feel obligated to the other person or because the other person seems to be a good Christian. Number seven, when in doubt, don't marry. If you made a good decision, you will enter a sphere of happiness in life beyond imagination. If you make a bad decision, you will have your own little hell on earth. No matter what, you have no right later to complain about your decision. So, if in doubt, don't marry. Now, if you've passed all these tests, then listen to cassette 2.

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