Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Parenting teens can be hard. Parenting teens who are in crisis is even more complicated. You were never meant to walk through this alone.
Welcome to Through the Hard - Parenting Teens in Crisis, a twice-monthly podcast presented by Pathways to Hope Network.
Join us for honest conversations that drive out shame and show us how to navigate the emotions and uncertainty of parenting teens through crisis.
(00:01:16) - Parenting, as we all know, comes with a really unique set of challenges. Especially during these teen years, it's often this perplexing maze, and that leaves us wondering how we will ever bridge the gap. Well, the answer, my friends, lies in our topic today. And that is vulnerability. So what exactly do I mean by vulnerability in this context? For us, vulnerability is about allowing ourselves as parents to be seen by our children as our authentic, imperfect selves. It's about sharing our feelings, our fears, and our experiences with our teens. When we can do this, when we can open up and be transparent. I believe that it's a path to connect with them on a much deeper level. The teenage years are a time when your child is forging their own identity. They're questioning the world around them and experiencing emotions that can just be overwhelming. And by showing vulnerability. We tell our teen, I'm not just your parent. I'm a person, a person who understands and respects your journey.
(00:02:45) - I want you to picture vulnerability as a bridge. A bridge that connects the sturdy pillars of parent and child. When you, as a parent, share your own struggles, your doubts, and your stories of growth, it's like you're extending a hand to your teenager and you're inviting them to walk that bridge with you. See, vulnerability creates a safe space for your teen to be honest about their own feelings. They're more likely to open up and share their triumphs and their challenges when they feel that you're not just an authority figure, but you're also someone who's also just trying to do their best. Now, last episode we talked about heart talk, and I was listening back to that episode and I realized that I never really went into what heart Talk actually is. And so I wanted to spend some time doing that today. Heart talk is an intimate form of dialogue. It's one where we can come together in a space of trust and authenticity to openly express what truly matters to us. It involves shedding the protective armor we often wear.
(00:04:03) - Being unapologetically real with one another, and having the courage to lean into the discomfort that comes with vulnerability. In heart talk. We're willing to expose our true emotions, fears, and desires. Trusting that it's going to foster deeper connections and genuine understanding as we navigate the uncharted terrain of our own hearts and the hearts of our children. Heart talk can be a two minute conversation where you both feel safe enough to bring the walls down, and at other times it can be an hour long conversation. However, those hour long conversations, they will probably take time to build up and they require established trust between us. See, our teens trust us. They do. They trust that we will be there for them, that will provide for them and that will take care of them. But it's likely they don't yet trust us with the details of their lives. And that's that's normal, right? I mean, that's a common experience of being a parent of the teenager. In just a few seconds, I'm going to read off a list of areas that teens typically struggle sharing with their parents.
(00:05:23) - And I'd like you to keep in mind how many of the areas I mention are areas that your teen feels comfortable talking to you about. So again, these are areas that teens typically struggle sharing with us. And I want you to think about which of these areas do you feel like your teen maybe already feels comfortable talking about some of these places with you? Okay, so you ready? Now, according to research, teens often find it challenging to share the following areas of their lives with their parents. Substance issues. Friendship. Drama. Relationship drama. Self doubt. Mental health struggles. Sexuality. Online activity. Family conflict, emotional struggles, and academic struggles. So basically life. Now, as I read through that list, how many of those areas do you feel like your child trusts you with? Well, I can tell you that for me it was zero. Yeah, a big fat goose egg. And my guess is that for most of you listening, you likely don't experience them sharing more than 2 to 3 of those areas with you.
(00:06:49) - Now, if you do, please send me an email because I would love to hear about what you have learned and to have you on as a guest. See, this is actually really normal, and it was certainly normal of my relationship with my mom growing up. But you may recall in the last episode how we spoke about the power of influence. And the truth is, if we don't hear directly from our children about what they are struggling with, then we're guessing at worst and relying on intuition at best. As our kids get older and our ability to control outcomes gets weaker, we have to switch gears. And we got to begin to start focusing on our influence in their lives. See, even if they are sharing nothing with us for the next five years, we still have influence in how we model conflict and how we work on ourselves, and how we live out our values, in our ability to trust other people, in our ability to trust them. Every day we're modeling what these things look like, and every day we're having an impact on their lives through our influence.
(00:08:07) - But if we are able to begin establishing a relationship of trust with them, underneath all that armor that they have on that influence is only going to be magnified. So if we know that heart talk is important and we know that our kids are armored up from neck to ankles, denying us access to what's really going on inside of them. Then we first need to examine why all the freaking armor, right? I mean, we're good moms, we've loved them and we've cared for them. Every Christmas. They had presents under the tree. Every birthday there were gifts. We volunteered for field trips. I mean, we stayed up late until 1130 on a weeknight, helping them complete that stupid poster board for a science project that would end up in the trash in the next day. I mean, we've bandaged up scraped knees and let them crawl into our beds after nightmares. We had that uncomfortable conversation with the teacher or the principal. We showed up at the sporting events, the choir concerts, the band concerts.
(00:09:18) - We stood in the rain for football games and soccer meets. Do I really need to go on? I mean, what in the name of Confusion Sauce is happening here? Haven't we proved our loyalty? Seriously, how many more dinner reruns do I need to whip up before you're convinced? I'm not secretly plotting against you? So yes, let's give credit where credit is due. We've done great at meeting needs. In fact, we've put in enough credit hours to earn a doctorate degree in caretaking. But there's something we haven't always been the greatest at. Boundaries. Now there's a lot of different kind of boundaries, but the one I'm talking about today are emotional boundaries. And I don't mean our emotional boundaries. I mean they're emotional boundaries. Listen, I get it. It's not like we are intentionally setting out to cross their emotional boundary. In fact, most of the time we're not even aware that we inadvertently invade our teen's emotional boundaries. However, I think it's essential for us to recognize that there are some areas where we could do better and start working on having a healthier balance between our involvement and respecting our teenagers emotional space.
(00:10:36) - If we really want to magnify our influence in their life. So let me give you a few of the most common ways that we as parents tend to encroach on our teen's emotional boundaries. Number one, over questioning, constantly asking teens about their feelings, activities, or personal life can feel really intrusive to them. While it's important that we show interest over questioning can often make teens feel pressured and invaded. Number two, hypersensitivity. Moms and I will be the first to raise my hand on this are emotional beings and sometimes. All that emotion creates a burden on our teens that causes them to feel like they're responsible for our emotional well-being. If I have to worry about you being hurt, angry. Wounded. Devastated. You can see why I might be hesitant to share with you what's really going on in my life. If you didn't speak to me for a week after I got a speeding ticket, then you certainly won't be able to handle the fact that I chose to have sex without protection last weekend, and that I'm feeling worried about that decision now.
(00:11:52) - All that to say that sometimes our oversensitivity creates a barrier. Number three is lack of privacy, not respecting a teen's need for privacy by invading their room, reading their diary. Does anybody even keep diaries anymore? Maybe text messages would be appropriate, or snooping through their personal belongings can seriously breach emotional boundaries. Now, I understand that there are times when health and safety are at risk, and as a parent, it feels like it's your responsibility to check things out. But I'm mentioning it because to them, it still feels like a broken boundary. And so we just need to recognize and acknowledge that that's what it feels like to them. The fourth is emotional manipulation. There are times as parents, we knowingly or unknowingly apply guilt, emotional manipulation, or passive aggressive tactics to force our teens into sharing information or changing their behavior to please us. Cue the dramatic mom moment I had a couple of weeks ago. I do so much for you and all that I'm asking for you to do is to just put your stupid dishes in the dishwasher.
(00:13:10) - Enter. Narrator. In fact, that is not all that she is asking of him. The fifth is high expectations, setting unrealistically high expectations for our teens behavior. Achievement or emotional responses can sometimes trigger feelings of overwhelm and intrusion for our kids. One of the things that I have really had to come to grips with in my parenting journey with my kids is that not every kid was designed to get straight A's, hold down a job, place first in their sporting event, volunteer with social justice programs, have the courage to ask someone to homecoming all while being cheerful, agreeable, and pleasant to be around. Seriously, I'll say it, even if no one else will. Even if we aren't saying it out loud, we have an expectation of perfection and easily become hyper focused on fixing the areas that are imperfect. One of the things that we can struggle with is feeling sullen. That our teen is not like all the teens showing up in our Facebook feed. Now, I won't speak for you, but I'm not afraid to say that this is an area I have to constantly work on in myself.
(00:14:31) - Because here's the thing my brain is hyper tuned to looking for things that could go sideways, and that has caused me problems more than once with more than one child. We need to be willing to take into consideration whether the expectations we have are actually realistic of our child at this specific point in time. Number six, ignoring boundaries, disregarding our teen's request for space or time alone, and constantly pursuing conversations or attention can cause them to feel like their emotional boundaries are not being respected. Number seven. Oh, man. The conviction I'm feeling going through this list, you guys like, I feel like every single one of these is like, oh, I do that. Oh, I do that. Number seven downplaying emotions, minimizing our teens emotions by telling them that they're overreacting or otherwise expressing that their feelings are invalid creates a sense that their emotional experiences are not valued. Sometimes when our kids have big reactions, it creates big reactions in us and we just want the behavior to stop. We want the loud talking to stop.
(00:15:54) - We want the grumpy attitude to stop. We want the disrespect to stop. We want the anger to stop. We want the tears to stop. And we can have a tendency to kind of downplay what's going on with them, because it's creating a strong reaction within us. And so our own emotional regulation is where we have to focus at that time, and we have to be able to separate ourselves and recognize that what they're feeling is just what they're feeling. And that doesn't even really have anything to do with us. That's just about them experiencing feelings of frustration or overwhelm or feelings of, you know, wanting to have control in an area of their life and not being able to have those control they're just feeling. And so we just want to be careful not to invalidate those feelings because we're uncomfortable being around them. I hope that makes sense. Number eight is over protectiveness. So being excessively overprotective and shielding our teens from experiencing discomfort or setbacks, thereby hindering their emotional growth and feeling like they have control over their own life.
(00:17:11) - We spot these things that could potentially go wrong, and we want to protect them from experiencing what it feels like to fail a class and be left behind, or to get in trouble, you know, to get in trouble with a probation counselor. And, you know, you know that maybe they're doing some things that are against their the rules that they need to follow on probation. And, and you feel this need to protect them from themselves. Even this over protectiveness ends up being a point of contention between us and our child. Then, rather than it being just their life and their consequences and something that is up to them to deal with, it becomes instead a battle between them and us. Number nine is ignoring their wishes. So making decisions for our teens without consulting them or respecting their preference is also a way that we may be infringing on their autonomy and emotional boundaries. The older they get as they start to get to 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, we want to start giving them a little bit more to say about how they do things a little bit more, a little bit more so that they have they have a feeling of, okay, this isn't somebody that's trying to just run my life all the time.
(00:18:43) - There is some give and take here. I am getting a chance to do this. And so creating opportunities for that where we're saying to them, hey, you've had some missing assignments lately. I think it might help for us to have a more dedicated time where you're working on schoolwork. What time of day would you like that to be? And giving them the option? Just those small things where we're starting to pull in different pieces of their world, where they have a say over in things. In my experience, those small things do make a difference. So put it simply, they have good reason for choosing to armor up. And if our goal is to have more influence, then we have to first acknowledge that we have not been the best at transitioning our style of parenting. As they've grown, they still need us. They still need boundaries. They still need us looking out for them. They still need our love. But they also want to begin the transition to independence. And if we can walk that road with them a little closer to the middle, I think it greatly impacts our influence.
(00:19:54) - So I just really want you to hear what I'm saying here. I'm not saying you have to walk thatrillionoad closer to the middle. I mean, you could choose if you feel like that's what's best for your family to take a hard line, to set all the rules, but just know that does come at a cost with relationship. And so you want the rules and you want the boundaries because you know that that's what's best for them. But when we begin to start walking closer towards the middle, the influence that we have over them shoots way up. So now it's not just them witnessing what we're modeling in our own lives, it's actually them joining what we're doing in their life. So if what I'm sharing is striking a chord with you, but you just aren't sure how to get things moving in the direction of more transparency, you could start by acknowledging to your child an area that you might be willing to improve on. That might be a source of tension in your relationship with them. And that can be something as simple as a little note or a text message that sound something like this.
(00:21:09) - Hey bud, I just wanted to let you know that I realized today that I'm not always the best at letting you grow up and be your own person. Sometimes my love for you causes me to be a little too controlling. And I wanted you to know that I'm working on it. And I hope that you can be patient with me while I work through it. You're trying to figure out a lot of important stuff right now, and learning what it looks like to be an adult. And I'm learning how to love you while allowing you to be your own person. I guess patience is something we both could use. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I love you, kid. You know what I hear when I say that out loud? The sound of armor loosening. You know what else I noticed creeping in? Influence. Friends, we are learning how to do this new dance, how to balance the space of being responsible for implementing rules and guidelines about what's best for them, and also not making it personal when they test those waters.
(00:22:20) - But those are just words, right? And we should never say them unless they're true, because that destroys trust faster than anything else. But I believe it's true about you today. I believe that you are listening today because you want to grow, because you want to adapt and heal and do your part towards building a bridge between the two pillars so they can cross over when they need you. And you can do the same. Vulnerability is a courage and willingness to show up as our authentic self. That means our whole messy self with all of our emotions and our irrational and irrational thoughts and our experiences, and that we do it despite our fears of any judgment or rejection that we might face. It's tough. It's so tough that we'd almost rather do anything else. We'd rather lay out demands that don't get met, or make threats that have no impact. We'd rather cry and wonder how we failed, and some of us would even go so far to avoid vulnerability that we'd even give up. But vulnerability is the foundation of genuine connection.
(00:23:37) - It's a springboard to healing, and personal growth is built on it. And that's what that text message was about. It was about acknowledging where you are in the process, admitting what you're struggling with, showing up as your authentic self. And I think part of the reason that vulnerability is so powerful is because being vulnerable allows us to acknowledge our innermost feelings, to explore our fears, to examine our insecurities. And when we do that out loud with someone else, it fosters a space of trust and empathy. Think about what happens when, in a friendship, you are willing to be vulnerable and share what's going on in your life. Think about how that impacts your relationship with the person that you're talking to. It's the same way with our kids. When I when I go to my son and I say, buddy, I'm really struggling. I recognize that you want more freedom in this area, and I want to be able to give it to you. And I'm trying to figure out the best way to do that as a mom.
(00:24:47) - So I just need you to be patient with me while I work through this. My son sees my heart that's so different than no. Absolutely not. You're not doing it. That's not okay. It's not safe. You're staying home. Do you see the difference there? When we do that out loud with someone else? If foster is a space of trust and empathy, and when trust and empathy are present, then transformation and understanding begins to flourish. And whether you get a text back, an eye roll, a whatever, or a hug, you were an example in your child's life that modeled courage, love, grace, commitment and humility. And it did not depend on the way the other person responded. Brené Brown says vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness. How's that for influence? So we understand a little better now the areas that teens struggle to trust us with, and we understand some of the ways we may not always be the best at respecting their boundaries and both of those things are important to really get down before we ever enter into hard talk with our kids. Because without those understandings, we have no awareness around the blocks that are in our way.
(00:26:21) - Heart talk requires at least a little loosening of the armor that we keep tightly strapped to us for protection. For us, that armor is made up of fear over our child's well-being. For our teens, that armor is made up of protection over their independence. If they align themselves with the story that we are wanting to control them with complete disregard for what they want, the armor stays on. If we align ourselves with the story that we are the only thing protecting them, then our armor stays on. Historical armor such as medieval plate armor weighed anywhere from 40 to £60 or more, and the weight was distributed over the entire body, and it often included the weight of protective helmets, gauntlets, and other accessories. And I want you to picture that in your mind. I want you to picture that you suited up in 40 to £60 of armor, head to toe, and your child standing across from you with 40 to £60 of their own armor.
(00:27:30) - I want you to feel the coldness of it against your skin. I want you to imagine the heaviness of it as it hangs on you. I want you to think about the way it affects your mobility, your endurance, your comfort. I want you to imagine the likelihood of getting anywhere near each other's hearts with all of that armor on. See, I believe that as the mama, it's our responsibility to be the first to disarm. And that comes with risks, doesn't it? And when we begin to remove armor, we risk injury. Broken hearts. We face reduced protection. Vulnerability. And temporary exposure to the stress and anxiety we experience from no longer having that armor on. And that's all scary. There's a lot of unknown there. So should we keep trudging forward on the same path that we've been on? The path that hasn't been effective, but I at least know what I'm getting. Friend, if you seek change, you must be willing to embrace discomfort. This is your lane. This is yours.
(00:28:48) - I believe that heart talk fills a need in us at a soul level. In a culture built on PC conversations, internet trolls, cancel culture and surface level conversations, there is a deep void inside us, desperately longing to be known and accepted as we are. We keep hidden our vices, our emotions, our mental health struggles, our financial problems, our childhood trauma, our legal issues, health problems, and personal insecurities. Because over and over again, we've received the message that it's just not safe. And so we struggle through this alone. But have you ever had a person in your life that you could just share your heart with? It's rare, isn't it? Even in our most trusted friendships, we probably only get a small taste. We keep all of our nonsense tucked in so tight around us that people only get access to the perfect shot you chose for your profile picture. But what if it could be different? What if you and I could have a real heart to heart where we spill the beans about our struggles, the ups and the downs and everything in between without someone trying to neatly sort it all into good or bad piles.
(00:30:11) - Not seeing things as right or wrong, but that it simply just is what it is. Imagine having that person who simply sees you for who you are right now. Mama. Imperfect, trying your best, sometimes slipping but always growing. What if this person saw in us a reflection of themselves and we saw the same in them? Picture a place where we ditch the masks and just be real. Vulnerability wouldn't be something we feared, but a badge of authenticity that we would wear proudly. Sharing our heartaches and challenges and celebrations wouldn't be an ordeal under the scrutiny of judgment but a heartfelt connection. In this place, we'd be more than just rules or labels. We'd be storytellers of our own lives, weaving a colorful blanket of shared experiences. And in recognizing this, we'd find comfort, connection, and the reassuring knowledge that we're all in this grand adventure of life together. What if we could have that one person who gets the true essence of our shared journey through life? What if that place was our home and that person was our family? What would it take to have a vision for that in your family? Can you imagine the influence that you would have then? Can you imagine the safe haven it would be from the rest of the world to come home? It sounds beautiful, doesn't it? And while so many of us agree and would be the first to sign up, we still wonder where we should even start.
(00:32:05) - Vulnerability. Vulnerability is where we start doing our own soul. Work is where we start gaining awareness around our fears and how they motivate our actions in our parenting is where we start. Grounding ourselves emotionally before going into hard conversations is where we start. See, you're already doing the work. You stand before a dark forest and you're unsure of the way through. The machete in hand, you slowly break through the impenetrable wall of tangled underbrush and towering, gnarled trees. It's scary in here. You want to turn around, and at times you cry, and you wish that there was simply a way to go back. Because the ground underfoot is a treacherous terrain of moss-covered roots and fallen, decaying leaves, and you're worried you might not ever get through to the other side. But courageously, you step forward, knowing that in the end, this is your assignment, mama. This path, this way, through the hard was meant to be yours. And even when it feels at times like the forest seems to close in around you like a living entity watching your every step, you turn back and you see all of us.
(00:33:28) - Every listener, every mama crying over her children, every parent in the courtroom or principal's office or Al-Anon meeting behind you. You're not alone. We're with you. I'm with you. And I'm unbelievably proud of you for being willing to face your forest so that your child has a path they can find refuge in during the moments. When they lose their way. So keep going, keep going. Mama.