Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques

“Being present is really at the center of listening. Nothing really happens unless we're present.”
Some of the most important things we need to say are often the hardest to put into words. Whether it's expressing gratitude, offering an apology, or saying goodbye, slowing down and taking the time to write can help us communicate with greater thoughtfulness and meaning. In this episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, Matt Abrahams speaks with Frish Brandt, professional letter midwife and author of Unfinished Business: Writing the Five Essential Letters of Your Life. Brandt shares why letter writing can be as valuable for the writer as the recipient, how to move past the fear of a blank page, and why thoughtful communication requires more than finding the right words.

Takeaways:
  • Slowing down makes communication more meaningful. Thoughtful writing helps us process emotions, find the right words, and express ourselves with greater intention.
  • Better listening starts with being present. Setting aside our own thoughts and judgments creates space for empathy, understanding, and stronger connections.

Activity:
  • Write the unwritten letter. Write the first few sentences of a letter you've been putting off, whether it's a thank you, an apology, or something left unsaid. Focus on expressing what you genuinely feel rather than finding the perfect words.
Printable Expanded Takeaways & Activities

Episode Reference Links:
Connect:

 Chapters:

  • (00:00) - Introduction
  • (01:03) - The Art of Letter Writing
  • (02:00) - The Five Essential Letters
  • (03:19) - Writing for Yourself
  • (04:06) - Slowing Down Communication
  • (05:33) - Getting Started With Letters
  • (06:55) - Writing Meaningful Letters
  • (08:13) - Overcoming the Blank Page
  • (10:21) - The Power of Cathartic Writing
  • (12:21) - Writing Authentic Apologies
  • (13:39) - AI and Writing
  • (15:45) - The Art of Deep Listening
  • (17:58) - The Final Three Questions
  • (22:11) - Conclusion

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Creators and Guests

Host
Matt Abrahams
Lecturer Stanford University Graduate School of Business | Think Fast Talk Smart podcast host
Guest
Frish Brandt
Professional Letter Midwife | Author | Founder of Lasting Letters

What is Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques?

One of the most essential ingredients to success in business and life is effective communication.

Join Matt Abrahams, best-selling author and Strategic Communication lecturer at Stanford Graduate School of Business, as he interviews experts to provide actionable insights that help you communicate with clarity, confidence, and impact. From handling impromptu questions to crafting compelling messages, Matt explores practical strategies for real-world communication challenges.

Whether you’re navigating a high-stakes presentation, perfecting your email tone, or speaking off the cuff, Think Fast, Talk Smart equips you with the tools, techniques, and best practices to express yourself effectively in any situation. Enhance your communication skills to elevate your career and build stronger professional relationships.

Tune in every Monday and Thursday for new episodes. Subscribe now to unlock your potential as a thoughtful, impactful communicator. Learn more and sign up for our Newsletter at fastersmarter.io.

Slowing down, holding your thoughts
and the thoughts of others can

dramatically improve your communication.

My name's Matt Abrahams, and I
teach Strategic Communication at

Stanford Graduate School of Business.

Welcome to Think Fast,
Talk Smart, the podcast.

Today I'm excited to
chat with Frish Brandt.

Frish is a professional letter midwife and
the author of Unfinished Business: Writing

the Five Essential Letters of Your Life.

For over a decade, Frish has guided
people in finding the most important

words to write for critical personal
messages, including letters of

gratitude, apology, and goodbye.

Drawing on her 40-year background in
the arts, she now lives in San Francisco

and Santa Cruz, teaching essential
letter writing and deep listening at

Stanford University School of Medicine.

Well, welcome, Frish.

I am so thrilled to have you here,
and ever since we met, I've been

excited to have you on the show.

Uh, thanks for being here.

I am delighted to be here.

Excellent.

Shall we get started?

Let's go.

Okay.

You call yourself a letter midwife.

What does this mean, and
what is it that you do?

I help people find their words.

A lot of people have letters that they're
afraid to write, that they don't know

where to begin, they don't know how to
navigate, and my job is to encourage

them to do that and to find their words.

And what is it specifically about
letter writing versus typing a

Substack or writing an email?

The thing about a letter, whether
it's handwritten or typed, and even

whether it's sent electronically,
though I prefer on paper in any form.

So much of our lives are digital, and
so much of it is ephemeral, and we

can't distinguish one from the other.

For the listeners who have a letter,
they know the difference, and the

other listeners who wish they had
one, they know the difference, too.

I hosted a, a party.

You came, and you wrote such
a lovely thank you note.

And what was cool is it was a
handwritten note, uh, that came on

nice stationery, and it was just lovely
to get a, a handwritten note that

came with care and thought, you know.

So thank you.

Your book subtitle is The Five
Essential Letters of Your Life.

What are those five letters,
and what makes them essential?

Well, there's a few caveats.

Okay.

But we'll start with the answer would
seem to be thank you, I'm sorry,

I miss you, I love you, goodbye.

And then there's two for extra credit.

Of course.

And the two for extra credit might in
fact be the solar plexus of the book.

I think the title is useful and it,
hopefully inviting and enticing,

but it's not the whole story.

And there's a few things to know.

One, you could start with
any one of those letters.

Write, I have an apology I want to write.

I have an I miss you.

But it will morph into one of the other
letters, maybe two of the other letters.

And at the heart of it, every letter
is really a love letter because

that's really what brings it.

Even if it's a you piss me off
letter, we care enough to say it.

So, and we're trying to resolve something.

I have one of each type of letter
that you just delineated in mind that

needs to be written or I would benefit
and perhaps the other would as well.

The letters that you, uh, help
people write, who are they for?

Are they for the recipient, or are
they for the writer of the letter?

The truth is, when I started this
practice 11 or 12 years ago, I thought

for certain it was for the recipient.

But I learned really early on, actually
with a woman with ALS, and it was

advancing quickly after seven years.

And that's a neurological disease.

Yes.

Yeah.

I realized very early that it was
really for the letter writer first.

So to your question, it's for both, but
the letter writer is served by it first.

We're gonna get to this in a moment,
but I'm gonna be very curious about

the process you take people through.

Uh, but I wanna quote
something that you write.

You write that, "Letter writing is to
communication what slow cooking is to fast

food. The slow pace is fundamental to the
end result." Can you unpack that analogy?

I'm a sucker for a good
analogy, and I like that one.

How does slowing down help
us communicate better?

Again, I think that we are
in such a fast-paced world.

I'm as haunted by the fact that a
quick text, suddenly I look and I go,

"What does it, what did I just type?"

Right.

You know?

So I think so much communication
happens so quickly.

Sitting down with a piece of paper or
one's keyboard to think out a letter.

Science is in that thinking and writing
are deeply connected, and if we give

up the writing, our thinking suffers.

And we know the correspondence that we
tap out really quickly and the one that

we sit quietly with has a different
tenor, the same way that a, a dinner

made from frozen food or a dinner
cooked slowly has a different tenor.

Yeah, the, the, the feeling and the
emotion, you know, are really different.

Just like cooking is also for the
cook, I think that that's the writing.

That's why the letter also serves the
letter writer first, because they're

generating something from deep within.

Right, and it takes time to do that.

And it takes time.

So walk me through the process you
would walk somebody through, like

myself, in, in needing to write or
wanting to write one of those letters.

Okay.

You said you have a few letters
you know you need to write.

Yes.

I'm not gonna make you reveal anything,
but when I do this with people, and

certainly when I do it in workshop,
everyone needs to focus on the letter or

letters that they think they wanna write.

So focus on one of those letters.

I'm, uh, I'll, I'll be very candid.

I'm gonna think about a gratitude letter.

I wanna say thank you to some
people who I, I hope know that I'm

grateful, but I'd like to actually
put a, an exclamation point on that.

My question really would then
be, what are you waiting for?

I mean, I'm busy, and it's easy to put it
on the back burner, to use your cooking

analogy, but, uh, there's nothing.

And wouldn't you feel good if
by the end of the day, or the

beginning of tomorrow, you had
actually written the first sentence?

100%, I would feel very good about that.

Do you think I can have
your buy-in on that?

I'm being led down a path here, Frish.

Yes.

Well, you asked me to
lead you down a path.

Absolutely.

I'm fully, uh, on, on board.

And I hope that your listeners too are
thinking, "Ah, right, I do have that

thank you letter." Thank you is such
a great place to begin because a thank

you is always welcomed, no pun intended.

And it feels good.

You know, where there's so many things
that are divisive, it's so constructive,

and it never comes at the wrong time.

It's kind of like money, you know?

I agree, and we have had several
academics on the show who've talked

about the power of gratitude.

Uh, Sonja Lyubomirsky, uh, studies this
and has studied it, and really powerfully,

uh, affects not just you, but the person
that you're expressing gratitude to.

So happy to learn how to
do this and to initiate.

So how do we do it?

How do we do it?

What's the process?

When I'm doing it with someone, I drill
down with other questions so that it's

not just, "Thanks for the beautiful
vase," you know, or, "Thanks for dinner."

It's, "I met so many interesting people.

In fact, I think I met my new best
friend," or, "It reminded me of a party

I went to when I was a kid," or, "My
parents used to tell me about parties like

this." So it's a matter of going further.

How can I go further?

What might I wish someone
noticed about the party I threw?

I'm not saying that my thank you
note to you covered all that ground.

It did a great job, and you did, you,
you definitely revealed how, how the

gathering we had had impact on you.

So it wasn't just expressing
gratitude for hosting.

It was gratitude for the impact.

Yeah.

So the point is, how can you,
one go a little bit deeper?

How can one look from a slightly different
angle at that thing, you know, whether

it is a vase or whether it's a dinner
or whether it's a walk in the woods?

I really like that it's about reflecting
and reflecting about the impact.

And it's not just for letter-writing,
in any communication, if you think about

your audience and think about the impact.

And it, and it leads to, if not
a full-blown story, it leads

to some elements of a story,
and we connect through story.

I appreciate that.

I've been reflecting as
you've been speaking.

Part of why I haven't done this
or written this letter is I

really don't know how to start.

I know how to end.

I really wanna say I appreciate it,
and I want us to continue developing,

uh, our relationship, et cetera.

How do we get from the
blank page to, to something?

You could start anywhere.

And if you know where you're
ending, then just put that down,

and it may end up being the launch.

And then you could say, "I didn't
even know where to begin this note,

but I wanted to be sure to say this.

And I didn't want any more time to go by,

Oh, that's interesting.

Without having said these things.

I, I know that if something
happens, I wanna be sure you know

how important this was to me."

I really like that idea of disclosing, "I,
I'm struggling with how to start this."

Yeah.

And that vulnerability, I
actually think, can be endearing.

Yeah.

Many a good letter starts with, "This
is awkward," and whether it says that

or it's just that feeling, so owning it.

In thinking about the conversation we
would be having, I thought you do so

much of your work with people in terms of
their speaking, and here a letter lasts.

We know that the connection that we
make with someone can be resonant,

but a letter lingers, you know?

It, we change, but the letter doesn't.

I love that language, "A, a letter
lingers," and, and it really does.

I mean, I, I'm a pack rat.

I, I keep lots of stuff.

I have notes that we used to pass
in elementary school from the girl

I liked or, you know, when we were
saying something about the teacher.

but they really do last.

And, and what's interesting is when
I read them, uh, besides being amazed

at my handwriting, uh, I, instantly
I have an emotional response.

There's an emotional connection.

It opens up a door and, and
there's a power in that.

And we can harness that power in
all of our communication, but I

think letters do that in particular.

I wanna talk about a
specific type of letter.

You, you advocate for writing
cathartic letters, highly charged,

angry, raw letters that you explicitly
instruct the writers never to

send and to immediately destroy.

Uh, you call this both an
exercise and an exorcism, and of

course, I love the play on words.

Why is writing something that we intend
to destroy so useful and helpful for us?

We're carrying it around with us.

It's taking up space.

It's kinda nipping at our heels,
you know, biting us in the neck.

I don't think any of us
really wanna carry that.

That's taking up the space that gratitude,
for instance, or regard can take.

So I advocate for writing it to just
get it out, and it is possible that in

the process of getting it out, that one
will get to a place where, "Oh, I think

I could tell this one, this person,
this thing, this part," because if we

want, this is where the love comes in,
if I don't wanna give up that friendship

or that collegiality, how do I just
say, "You stepped on my toes that day.

I've had bad days, too"?

I think it, it, it brings out our
own empathy, both for ourselves

and for the other person.

Yeah, I like that idea of self-empathy
that can come through the catharsis

of just getting things done.

There's some research, uh, that I'm
familiar with in the, in the literature

on anxiety around communication,
that writing down the fear, literally

getting it out of your head and
somewhere else can be helpful.

And somebody took that even to an
extreme and said, "Okay, once you

write it, take the paper, crumple
it, and throw it away," and just the,

the thought that you have that sense
of agency to do that is empowering.

And so I, I really can see how
writing down an emotionally charged

letter could, could be helpful.

Right.

And conversely, I think writing down
the, the warm letter has a similar impact

on the positive spectrum of emotions.

Ah, interesting.

Uh, your work often involves helping
people say high-stakes words like, "I'm

sorry," "Forgive me," "I forgive you."
These are incredibly difficult messages.

What communication advice do you have
for structuring an apology or request for

forgiveness so that it lands authentically
and avoids triggering defensiveness?

Because you risk that when you bring
up these types of communication.

I recently had an experience like this.

I don't wanna go into
too much detail here.

But one takes the path.

I think the reason why writing is a,
is a gerund is because it's an act.

It's not generated.

I think that it is difficult.

Apologizing is difficult.

One of the beautiful things about doing
it in writing is that one has the time to

gather their thoughts, and the recipient
has time to receive those thoughts.

I think one still has to exercise some
of those basic tools of mirroring and

empathy and validation, and you can do
that in speaking or in writing or both.

It's difficult, but the beauty
of a written apology is you

don't have to respond right away.

You can look at it, look at it again,
look at it again, rethink your words.

Maybe have a friend read them back to you.

Oh, interesting, yeah.

I like the, the thoughtfulness
that a letter of apology or asking

for forgiveness, uh, brings.

Thank you.

AI obviously is helping people
write a lot of things these days.

AI can be a very useful tool in
helping us with our communication.

I'd be curious to get your thoughts
on where AI fits in this process.

It can be a good partner.

We're just the pioneers right now.

We're just at the edge
of the, of the territory.

But if I understand correctly,
or, and how I use it and how the

people I know use it, the catch is
that it is a great thought partner.

But writing is a verb,
and you have to do it.

It's not, computers process.

We write.

We might do some processing in
our heads, but we're not talking

about just generating a letter.

We're talking about, not to play on
the midwifery, but we're really talking

about birthing it or at least bringing
it into existence, and that is an act.

It's not a noun.

And so I think AIs are, can
be very helpful, especially to

the earlier questions about,
how the heck do I get started?

I think there's nothing wrong with
using as that, but really recognizing.

You know, I have a friend through
Stanford who's at the forefront of AI

and virtual reality, and I'd seen on his
screen when we were having a Zoom that

he had written a toast to his mother
and a letter to his oldest son on it.

And I said, "How did that go?" And he
said, "Well, ultimately, it didn't work.

I found I had to dig deep inside myself
to write the letter." Otherwise, the

writer doesn't have the experience.

You don't get to process.

I talk a lot about empathy atrophy
that can happen with AI if you

don't do that deep thinking.

Uh, a friend of mine said, you know,
when you're, whatever LLM tool you use,

when it says it's thinking and it'll put
thinking dot dot dot, that's actually

a cue to you to start thinking, right?

You know, so it's not the machine.

It's, it's like, "Hey, you need
to be thinking about this as

well," and I like that a lot.

You co-teach a class called Lasting
Letters and the Art of Deep Listening

at Stanford School of Medicine.

In communication, we spend a lot of
time teaching people how to speak,

generate messages, but very little
time teaching them how to listen.

Uh, what does deep listening look
like in practice, and how can we

train ourselves to be deep listeners?

Well, it looks pretty much like this.

For those of you who are listening
and not watching, Frish tilted her

head, smiled, and widened her eyes.

Okay, what's going on in the,
in your head as you do that?

Um, I think listening is silencing
my, the chatter that's going on.

I'm not thinking about
what I'm going to say next.

I'm holding what you're saying.

You know, when I think about good
communicators, one person that I thought

of was Frank Ostaseski, the Buddhist
teacher who spends a lot of time bedside,

and much of my work is, is, the foundation
is in hospice and palliative care.

Being present is really at
the center of listening.

Nothing really happens
unless we're present.

I like that definition of listening, of
being present, and the thing that really

struck me is, I have not thought of
this before, but this idea of holding.

In communication, you're holding
the other person present.

You're holding the moment present.

You're holding back your thoughts
and judgment and evaluation.

Let me give you a somatic exercise.

Please.

Sometimes when something's coming
at me across the table, for

instance, I'll hold my hands open.

Oh, interesting.

It just slows me down.

It keeps me present so that
I can receive what's coming.

I'm a big fan of, uh, embodiment
of our thoughts and, uh, a lot of

people, if you watch, I, I coach
a lot of, uh, executives on tough

Q&A, question and answer situations.

And instinctively, when something
is asked that they don't like or

they're concerned with, hands come up,
looks very defensive, uh, and that's

a response, a physical response.

And I like what you're doing is
you're cuing yourself, "I need to

be open here and hold something
by, by opening." Uh, I like that.

I think there's a lot of power in that.

Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for sharing
everything you've done.

Uh, you know, before we end, I,
I love to ask three questions.

One I'm gonna make up just for you, and
two I've asked everybody for a long time.

Are you up for that?

I'm up for that.

When we started, you said that
there are two bonus letters.

What are those letters?

They are legacy letters, which could
easily be to our, to our children

or our children's children, but it
could also be to our niece, or it

could be to the young boy around the
corner, or it could be to a sibling.

It may be to a parent.

I would say legacy letters of that kind.

Um, sometimes they're
considered ethical wills.

In the Jewish tradition, there's
such a thing as ethical wills.

It's, it's as good a
model as any for this.

And the other one is writing to or from
our future selves because it's a trick.

We think sometimes we're stuck, but
if we just pretend that my 90-year-old

self is sending me a letter, I get some
wisdoms that just pop up and vice versa.

If my younger self says, "Hey,
you're doing a good job," or,

"You could lighten up a little
bit on this part of your life."

We did a whole episode on, on
communicating with your future self

and the value that it can bring.

Uh, I love that it's, it's legacy
and the time-traveling, uh, letter.

Question number two: Who is a
communicator that you admire and why?

Well, besides Frank Ostaseski
for his presence, I was thinking

about the conversation between
Krista Tippett and John O'Donohue,

which is so exquisitely beautiful,
and John died just months later.

But he said some things in it.

First off, she was a, she is a
very gifted interviewer because she

listens, and it is a, though I'm not
a rock climber per se, I think a good

conversation is like rock climbing.

You pass each other on the way and you're,
you're helping each other find your way.

In John's quote, which I have here, um,
he says, "When was the last time you

had a great conversation? You know, a
conversation that took you someplace that

you didn't know, that you heard yourself
saying things that you had never really

thought before, a conversation that
stayed with you for days. And that doesn't

happen just by doing all the talking."

No, not at all.

It, it's, it's the
listening and the presence.

I appreciate that, and I appreciate
that the communicator you picked was

a conversation between two people.

Thank you.

What are the first three ingredients that
go into a successful communication recipe?

Well, I think I've touched on all of them.

And in either equal proportions and
in no particular order, well, there's

listening, needless to say, and
there's empathy, and there's humility.

Tell me about the humility.

We've definitely talked
about empathy and listening.

Yeah.

I think that We need to enter
conversations knowing that we don't

know, and not even knowing what we don't
know, just knowing that we don't know.

I think it's kind of like fly fishing.

You, you choose your fly not
exactly knowing, you can't see

everything you're doing, but you
are just, you're reading the signs.

And I think we, I was talking with
Gordon before about musicians.

I think musicians that play
together, whether it's rock or

classical or jazz, that they're a
fabulous example of communication

because so much of it is unspoken.

But I once sat in on a quartet
practicing, and I was brought to

tears by the communication that
took place when nobody was speaking.

There is something magical in music.

Humility is absolutely, I
think, an essential ingredient.

Thank you.

And thank you for introducing
everybody to Gordon.

Gordon helps us record these shows.

Thank you, Gordon.

And we, we don't talk
about him often enough.

Uh, great conversation, really helpful
insight into how to communicate

in a different modality than many
of us do, and the impact that

it can have on us and on others.

I appreciate your time and insight.

Thank you.

Thank you for having me here.

I hope your listeners pull out a piece
of paper and start writing a letter.

Thank you for joining us
for another episode of Think

Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.

I so enjoyed talking to Frish.

Among her many ideas that she shared
that stuck with me, the one that really

stands out is holding somebody's thoughts
in mind when you listen and holding

back your own thoughts when you listen.

To learn more about listening
and silence, please listen to

episode 114 with Julian Treasure.

This episode was produced by
Katherine Reed, Ryan Campos, Alex

McCarthy, and me, Matt Abrahams.

Our music is from Floyd Wonder, with
special thanks to Podium Podcast Company.

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