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At the complex intersection of identity, faith, and culture, How To Be Seen explores the universal human drive for recognition through the lenses of behavioral science and biblical theology. Hosted by Tahjma VanBuren, the show investigates the lengths we go to achieve status and the vital psychological distinction between performing for an audience versus being authentically known. Ultimately, it serves as a reference guide for listeners to embrace a sense of worthiness rooted in the truth that they are already fully seen and valued by God.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:00:04 What do Tyra.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:00:05 Diddy and you have in common? Welcome to Have You Seen podcast. I am Tajima Van Doren, your sister, your host, your chief investigator of all things science, culture, and the Bible. Is an exposé of what it means to be seen and what lengths we will go to achieve it from the perspective of science, culture, and ultimately, God.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:00:42 So let's start.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:00:42 With what does science say about our strategies to be seen? Behavior science suggests that humans have two competing drives attachment, which is the need to be close, and autonomy, which is the need to explore. This explains our desire to be individuals, yet individuals within a larger community. Think about all of the businesses that are based in creating communities for women and communities for black people and communities for entrepreneurs, and so on and so on and so on. This is to say, being seen is our ultimate goal in life. It is arguably more important than what Maslow's hierarchy says. Our basic needs are water, food, shelter.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:01:28 In fact, when we are seeing our basic needs as a human are almost undeniably met, to be seen is to be seen in need. It is to be seen in lack. It is to be seen in desire and in abundance. When we do feel seen, we gain the courage to be vulnerable, which is the safety to experiment with new ideas and make mistakes and admit those mistakes and discover our own potential. Because we know that even if we fail, the ground zero or safe relationships around us will still be there to catch us. This describes the best friend that we met in high school or college that we felt like we could talk about anything with. Consider the teachers that were most liked in school. They are not typically just the cool ones, rather the ones that prompt students to see and experience themselves on a deeper level. Safely, of course. But how do we even get to this place of safety? How do we lose these places of safety too? At some point or another, we have all experienced some version of loss of self.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:02:45 This refers to the concept by psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, known as the false self. If a child is not seen for who they actually are, They often develop a compliant or people pleasing persona to gain the approval they need to survive. Taking on this persona means over time, they may lose their true self by burying their genuine needs and feelings under this mask. In action. This looks like not sharing feelings with family and friends, because doing so would be going off of script or dissociating from your feelings altogether. To be truly seen removes the need for this mask. We no longer have to mold ourselves to fit someone else's expectations. Instead of worrying that you will disappear into a relationship or a social role, you feel empowered to disclose your true self, knowing you are valued exactly as you are. Evidence for the human need for connection comes from Edward Trunk's still face experiment. This experiment reveals that even three month old infants possess a sophisticated understanding of social reciprocity. In this paradigm, infants not only detect when their caregivers stop responding emotionally, but they actively work to reestablish connection.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:04:17 Showing profound stress when those attempts fail. The experiment follows three phases that illuminate the fundamental nature of human attachment. A normal interaction looks like a baby responding to a caregiver. Smiles, talks, and animated expression with engagement, eye contact, smiling, and some kind of vocalizations. Even a baby's body will be oriented toward the parent, while a still face interaction featured a caregiver's behavior as neutral, expressionless face, or even unresponsive for two minutes. The infant's reaction initially offered some solicitation. Smiling and gesturing, increasing their effort, screeching and pointing, and ultimately distress or draw. This often was paired with a baby's elevated heart rate and cortisol. Finally, the reunion phase is what we care most about right now. When the caregiver resumes their normal interaction, responding to the infant's cues, the baby expressed relief, joy, and rapid emotional regulation. But even with all of these changes and return to normal, there was still carryover of negative effect and perhaps even some distancing that occurred. The safe bubble was popped. All of this points back to our desire as humans to be seen in connection and attachment while holding autonomy.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:05:56 It is established in our formative years now. I'm not saying you need to go ask your mom or your dad if they smiled at you as a child, but I am saying it's something to be aware of as we build our tools for our own strategies to be seen. We are not weird. You are not weird or needy or Nagi for wanting to be acknowledged and known. In fact, your biology depends on it. Which brings me to my next point in our scientific exploration. Social media. Behavioral science distinguishes between being seen meaning empowering disclosure with our community versus being watched, surveillance for control to be watched, subjugate individuals through correction and conformity and control. When we think about the audience effects of social media, the change in behavior is specifically caused by the belief that someone is watching. While this can increase pro-social choices, meaning reputation management, it also triggers identity fatigue and emotional depletion due to constant online self-presentation. Think of how exhausting it felt to be on a zoom call at their zoom call, after a zoom call in 2020.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:07:24 It was the same amount of meetings and kind of meetings we had before when we were in the office. Except now we're so much more aware of how on display we are forcing us to manage ourselves differently while someone is watching. So when we talk about strategies to be seen, I'm never just talking about marketing and business in social media. These are curated points of exposure Because we know we are being watched and picked apart. We curate the best angle, the best wording, the best routine, and so on and so on and so on. What I am actually encouraging you to do is consider who you truly are. Let's look at our good friend Brené Brown before we get into some pop culture examples. The fulfillment of the desire to be seen ultimately requires the courage to be vulnerable. We hear Brené talking about this all the time. Her research identifies vulnerability, meaning, uncertainty and risk, and emotional exposure as the core requirement for connection and belonging. Her study of wholehearted individuals, those with a strong sense of worthiness, found that they fully embraced vulnerability, believing it was what made them beautiful and necessary.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:08:51 While those who struggle with connection often do so because of shame, the fear that something about them makes them unlovable and unworthy of being seen. Shame drives the internal narrative of not being good enough, leading individuals to armor up and avoid the very emotional exposure required for connection, which ultimately takes us right back to the drawing board of curating the best possible version of ourselves to present to the world. So here's what I'm arguing, exploring, and understanding for myself. When we are known, truly known, we also are, and who we are is. For better or for worse. Now let's look at how the world teaches us to be seen. I have two examples for you. Tyra Banks slash America's Next Top model, and Diddy. I know we're in a hoopla about Tyra and all of the things associated with her and her brand, but I think it is important to note when two things can be true at once. Was she doing some crazy stuff on that show? Absolutely. Does she have a key legacy that deserves to and needs to be noted in history? Absolutely.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:10:16 Tyra Banks is the first African American woman to be featured on covers of GQ and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Three times, I must add. She was one of only a few black models to achieve supermodel status. Was a Victoria's Secret Angel from 1997 to 2005, and by the early 2000, Tyra was one of the world's top earning models, regardless of race. A part of Tyra's legacy is the reality TV show America's Next Top model. I grew up on this show, 1112 year old me remembers thinking she was doing too much while grabbing a snack to watch the next episode. Tyra started this show as a means to say gotcha to the modeling industry, an industry that was, and still is to a certain degree notorious for discriminating on who deserved to walk the runway, whether that was race, ethnicity or size. While watching the documentary and even thinking back to watching the show in real time, one thing I continue to note is how the contestants also had a desire to be seen just as much as Tyra did.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:11:31 They were all gushing at the idea of their personal insecurity potentially being accepted by the casting director, the judges, and ultimately America. But the nature of reality TV is to be seen by any means necessary, resulting in moments of on camera sexual assault. The Great Gap, closing and then reopening between sees and models, blurred lines between race and ethnicity, and ultimately the firing of model mentors and judges. What I want to highlight here is everyone involved with the show was taking on their personal race to be seen in some way or another. Television executives wanted to be seen with power to lead a thriving business. Tyra wanted to be seen not just as a model, but an industry titan. The contestants wanted to be seen as confident and resilient, even if they didn't truly feel it. The judges wanted to be a part of something new and career defining. All of these folks were taking action from a place of some sort of shame or counterculture agenda. Their involvement was less connected to creating empowering and vulnerable spaces or experiences for themselves and others.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:12:51 Rather, they were coming from a perspective to be watched. Perceived, unintentionally controlled and thus conforming to the majority. However, majority was defined for them. Now let's look at Diddy. His desire to be seen at all costs was impressive, to say the least. An effort to not be redundant of already established documentary that 50 cent worked so hard on. I'll focus on the one thing that rang the loudest in my head while watching. How is it possible that someone ends up like this? How does someone get to this point in their mind? Truthfully, I think the documentary and the various news stories we have heard along the way point to two key things. One. Unchecked pride is dangerous for the individual, but it becomes lethal for everyone around them. And two, deciding to do and be different is exactly that. A decision in the same way. DD decided to be an active villain in people's story. It is also the same way he could have decided to pivot in a different direction. Watching the interactions of people who accepted Diddy's behavior, meaning actively accepted his money, time, connections, and so on was kind of scary.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:14:24 But I think the scariest part of all of this is you and I are no better than Diddy. We're no better than Tyra. Hopefully you hear me? We're no better than Diddy. And we're no better than Tyra. We have all said and done things in the name of being accepted and seen or valued by people or things that we should not have cared a lick about what they had to say. Now, I know that was a little crazy to say, so let me drive my point home by talking, by taking all of this information and putting it next to the Bible. It is easy to find example from the people in front of us, behind us, or next to us for what works or what doesn't. Essentially, it's a whole lot of trial and error. There is knowledge in taking note of these things, but what really changes the game for us in slingshots us in our next move is grasping wisdom and understanding to know what exactly all of this information we have collected means, why it matters, and what to do with it.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:15:39 So we all have nicknames. Our friends call us one thing. Our mom calls us another. God is the same. Elroy is one of the many names that describe the attributes of God. It means God who sees me. This name is given to God by Hagar in Genesis 16. To set the scene a little bit for you. Hagar is an Egyptian slave to Sarah, known as Sarai at this point in history. She is Abraham or Abraham's wife. Now Abraham is promised a child. Sarai is promised a child. But these folks are old ly back to the dust and clay kind of old. So Sarai gets impatient with the promise of God, and acts on her own will and tells Abraham to sleep with Hagar. Abraham, absorbing Sarah's lack of belief and acting outside of the will of God, goes and sleeps with Hagar. In the more accurate terms, he assaults Hagar and Hagar becomes pregnant. To make a long story short. Hagar runs from Sarai because Sarai is acting a fool and Abraham is not doing a thing about it.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:16:51 Here's the part I want you to lean in on. In the midst of Hagar running away. God, like the true girl dad that he is, comfort Hagar, he tells her first girl. Go back to them, people. You are out here in the desert. You're about to die. You're pregnant. Come on out. Two he makes the same promise to Hagar that God made to Abraham. The word says, my word will not return to me void. And this moment is no exception. Abraham and Sarai step outside of God's will, and God still makes it all for his good, promising Hagar that he will increase her descendants so much that they will be too numerous to count. It is because of God showing up to her in the wilderness, making this promise to her, and then seeing God's glory without having to be six feet under that. Hagar names God as El Roy, the God who she has now seen and the one who sees her. Here is the point of all of this.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:17:57 In the midst of trouble, heartache, the aftermath of being assaulted, becoming pregnant with the child by the person who assaulted her, and then enduring abuse from the wife. God says, enough. I want you to know that I see you. I see this foolishness. I don't like it. But you, my child, are still good and worthy and necessary and so important that I say your genetic should be permeating through generations to come. What was meant to destroy you? God says, I call good. There is not a person, place, or thing that could keep God from looking at you with allure and adoration of a girl. Dad, The parts of you that you so desperately wanted the world to see in you and about you have already been seen and claimed as valuable. We just have to believe it. Think back to my example of America's Next Top model, Tyra and Diddy. These are deeply wounded people that have strived in their own right to defeat the odds, become household names, and be desired.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:19:17 But in the midst of all of that, they were. There were still small voices and experiences that they allowed to convince them of their lack of worth and need for pride. Somewhere along the way, their safe bubble was popped. The truth is, we're already seen. We're already loved. Were already chosen. I know you're thinking about the Psalm too, right? We just have to believe that that is true. I recognize that all of that is easier said than done. So I want to offer some practical steps that I have and am taking to absorb this belief for myself. First, let's consider steeping ourselves in affirmation. And I know, I know, I know, we don't like to hear it, but the truth is, we are already constantly steeping ourselves in affirmation of things that aren't true about who we are. I'm just asking you to change the script a bit here. An affirmation that has supported me most in this season is based on Psalm 139, verse 16. It is God wrote me in his book before I ever lived a single day.
Tahjma VanBuren 00:20:33 This story has a happy ending. Two we got to take some action. Does your day look like someone that has been that has seen God's glory and now knows that God sees you? Truthfully mine hasn't. So I started slow by noting that the kind of person that truly believes they are valued, seen and loved wouldn't get up for the day, brush their teeth, make a cup of coffee and go straight to work. So I had to consider the small things like my morning routine. I've added non-negotiable steps that I do before getting into work mode, no matter how pressing something else may feel. Because truly, is it really that serious?
Tahjma VanBuren 00:21:16 All right. I'm hopeful you gain some valuable tools to add to your toolkit for how to be safe. Talk with you soon.