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Vanessa and Pilar are two moms with a sense of humor about life, kids, fashion, the internet, and everything in between.
"We're not just regular moms, we're cool moms..."
Pilar Lyutfalieva (00:00.088)
Cause that was too good. I'm really sad we didn't get that, but you know. Welcome to the Goop'd and Gagged podcast series where you'll find your girls, Vanessa and Pilar, cutting it up and breaking it down. We're not shy and we have lots of thoughts and feelings on pretty much every topic. So let's get into it and prepare to be gooped and
This episode is the first installment of season two return. We're reading a firsthand account of someone's experience with their partner and in that process, grappling with the very unnerving idea that they were with her only to benefit their immigration status.
I need to my nails done. They're purple. I know it's because we went to a Sparks game. that's right. Last week. Yes. And I had a nail emergency.
He was rocking though. He's rocking that purple suit. I'm I'm like Is that a 30 inch bust down it wasn't quite a 30 inch bust down. So that's why I threw me I don't wear his hair that short. I know yeah, I know no Laroche cuz Yeah, he has a 30 inch bust down every time like it's on right down to the ass majestic
And he had it very conservative. yeah, immediately I was like. You're like, mm. Yeah, and then I obviously was like song he was sitting with because La Roche is very. Right, and I'm like, that's kind of far back for him. No straight to them, but I feel like he'd be. I think he'd be more like. Quartz eye, about to just get up and put on a jersey and start hooping like that clothes. You know what I'm saying? Like he might.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (02:06.476)
be sitting with the team like at this point. So I actually, imagine him in a ball. can see that. Yeah. Cause I think he'd be like too close to the balls. He'd be like, I don't want to get hit. mean, well, don't go. don't know. Hold on. Can you hear the gardeners? No. Can you hear Andrew?
standing the basement floor down. Hey, let me know. We're all good that you hear Lola whining a little bit and being like, who are the people? Let's see if she does it. I understand Lola. I understand. She's doing good. I got this thing that like, because you know how dogs like bark and they're annoying and like, you have to invest like thousands of dollars and like a vest like a ThunderBuddy vest.
No, no. it's like, it's so instead of like, you know, spraying her with water or getting her like a bark collar or any of those, there's this amazing thing. It's literally just like a whistle. It's like a high pitched, it emits like a high pitched sound that really only the dog can hear, but it's really here, right? it basically like completely redirects them because for them it's like really loud. So
Now, whenever she even just like looks, sees that I bring out the thing, and now she doesn't even bark or anything when the gardeners are here, she just like goes away. She's just like, okay, I'm gonna go away now. But she - for humans? Like for children? I'm asking for a friend. Asking for a friend. Or little humans. Little humans? Yeah. It's great though, because I don't feel bad using it. I don't feel bad using it. Don't feel bad.
Yeah, I don't feel bad. If you ever have to, you know, use a whistle on her, I need you to turn on your Alexa or Google Home and have it play too short, blow the whistle and then you can blow the whistle. Wait, say that again? The song blow the whistle. You never heard it? No. wait, hold on. yes. Well, I'm gonna need you to hit that like Alexa play blow the whistle and she'll probably know she's like, shit. You know dogs are smart.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (04:32.504)
So once she hears that, she's probably just going to take off her run once she associates it with the whistle. Literally, literally. Yeah. And then it's just the vote command. She's like, that fucking song is coming on. Let's get out of here right now. And I'd be here for it. want to, I just feel it will be a great segue into you blowing the whistle. Yeah. So I, it, is, this is a great investment. If you have a dog that barks too much.
Or even just like, yeah, you just need to like redirect them in a way that's like the most, the lowest overhead possible, like physically and mentally, because you just push the button and literally because it's loud to them, they're just like immediately like, basically like Mariah Carey packed into a whistle. Literally is just compressed.
I can enter the whistle and she's like, the best way a Mariah Carey can hit notes that nobody can hear. Only dogs can hear. That's what I'm talking about. And go. it's like, Rafa, get the Mariah Carey, get the MC. The Mariah Carey. Get the MC. Go get the MC. MC is coming out. MC is coming out.
That's a good one. I'll look into that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good. think to have on hand you guys that if you're watching on YouTube will provide the link at the bottom of the video. yeah. There you go. By the way, totally random, but I am so scared of getting pregnant again. Really? I've said that before, too. And they say you attract what you fear most. So I tell you, I'm trying to track my cycle right now because there's no way
I'll be getting into no birth control or nothing. Not now. Either snip something or we just, we play the old school game, you know, but. Yeah, I tried that too. Look where it got me. I tried that too. I'm the poster child for tracking your cycle. And it did work wonderfully in my younger years.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (06:49.836)
Yes, exactly. When our cycles weren't all messed up. Right. It's very great when your cycle is to the tee. I thought I was still good. That egg was like, zigged when it should have zagged because it crossed over. It was like an Allen Iverson, Kobe legit crossover. It broke his ankles. It broke the ankles. It was like, you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge anything in dodgeball kind of shit.
No, not does. So I do not recommend the rhythm method. yes. the age of 35. That's just me personally speaking. And that's a good point. Yeah. Over the age of what and for some people is different, right? Especially like I feel like nowadays everything's just moving up in general in terms of like, yeah, like pre -monopause pre -menopause starts and all that. because once you hit pre -menopause before like you're just in that window.
Exactly. And I mean, like, once you get to a certain age, it's like once they enter there and they shoot the club up, be prepared. prepared because you don't know. You don't know like, it's coming. Yeah, you're pretty good to come in a year and a half from now, but it's not coming today, sweetie. It's not coming. And like I said, they say, you know, whatever you fear the most is, know, what's what attracts.
Interesting. And apparently only for me that only is true when it comes to getting pregnant. Because I've been fearing like Fendi and Boucheron and Bulgari for like ever now. And for some reason, it's just not coming to me. I don't understand why the fear only works with fetuses. I think you need to fear harder.
I had to fear harder. I'm gonna go to Cartier and just like scream and like shrink hysterically and just run away. Like I am so scared. I am so scared right now. I'm gonna run into a country club and scream in fear. Like I'm scared of being around all this money. And then like open my eye a little bit and like, is it coming? The things that I fear the most and I'm still waiting. But yes. So yeah,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (09:07.628)
Make sure that pull out game is strong. I mean, I, you I'm blessed to have the children I have the amount, know, and a lot of folks out there who can or who wish they would have had bigger families. So it's definitely a blessing. However, it is, it is scary. So my dumb ass, I'm afraid to get pregnant. They're like, really? Because you seem to be pregnant every, every two years, give or take, or just should a baby out every two years. So that's crazy. That's my running average.
I almost feel like you're lucky you did not have twins this time around. I'm telling you, I swear every pregnancy I feel like after Sophia, I was concerned it would be twins, especially due to my age. And twins do run in my family on both sides. shoot. That's right. And with Aiden, they actually had me come in for an early ultrasound to make sure I wasn't multiples because my HCG levels were so
work that's what happened with iskra they were like okay your levels are really high we just want to make sure that you you know there's not you know a couple of sacks just hanging out in there it was like really really high and i'm like gosh here i am like no what am i gonna do already have three and no it's gonna be five fast forward this is number six so it's like didn't really
And my husband's like, I don't know what we would have did if we would have had to have five children fast forward a few years. And like I said, now we're at number six. And he said, my oldest should be 15 in September. Wow. Well, was surprised. My oldest Sophia's 10 drew. He's seven. He turned seven in February. Aiden will be five in October. Jason just turned two. Like what's today's date? like almost two weeks ago.
And now this one, so wild. Yeah, it's really wild. And he's like, when we found out you're pregnant with this one, I hope it's only one in there. I don't know how we'll do it too. I'm like, we've heard this song before. Like if there's fucking two in there, it's fucking two in there. You know, at this point, I would just put somebody in a trunk. I don't know. Like, we'll manage or somebody has to stay home. The oldest one, Sarai, she isn't like being human, you know, being brother humans anyway. She's like, I'll stay home. volunteer as tribute.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (11:29.933)
She'd be the one that would stay home though. You're like, please leave me at home. She's like, please no like she's like, please I beg of you like you do not just bring me back food. Like I don't need to shit. I don't even want to go half the time. I'm like, can you just bring me back food? no, mom, gotta go with them and you know, do mom thing. So here I am. You know, it's like, yeah, I mean, if you're meant
You know, get inseminated again and carry on. it's not I don't think it'd be the worst thing. I've definitely it was wild after even after I had is I was actually already like. I was already like, you know what? I'm OK with a fourth, like right after he's got right. He's like unheard of. I feel like normally like right after the baby comes, you're like, OK, I need a break. And I was like, you know what? Like, feel like I just know you
That wasn't so bad. It's like after I had Aiden, I kept telling myself that like, know, four is enough. That's it. But I'm like, what's one more? then after I had Jason, I was like, yeah, I popped it out. I'm like, apparently the universe heard me like, yeah, what is another? And then you you were like, I don't want to and I was like, girl, you will you like, you aren't careful. I told you I was like, if you aren't careful and you were like, well, you did. You did. You said you're not careful. I was like,
100 % are going to get pregnant. yeah, you will you like that's nice, but you and it's funny as soon as I came home with Jason Drew my seven -year -old goes so when's my sister come in like I'm like, can I heal first like My watermelon to I'm still passing class the size of the Eiffel Tower here like sir, I think
Honestly, I think when you get to a certain point, number wise, for me personally, something clicked. Finally, after the third, I was like, my God, I've got it down. Like even now, like cleaning the house, doing the laundry, like all that stuff, I feel like, my God, like now I feel like every, it's crazy how that works,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (13:49.92)
I literally feel like I have it down now, like even between the oldest, the middle, the youngest, feel like I have it. just, yeah, I don't know what it is. I don't know what it was. It just clicks. You feel like that happens to you? It's just your sanity is gone and then you're just in full on survival mode. And it's just like, this is fine. Like I exist in thriving chaos. Right. It's like, I'm okay with that. I'm like, okay, we've reached
Now there's not that anxiety of, we going to hit max levels? It's like, we're now always at max level. So now I'm good. That's it. It's like, I'm always like at the max. Like there's no coming down. It's just like, I'm up there and I don't know what I'll do when I don't have to be permanently up there. You know I mean? Like it'll get to a point. Like my oldest will be graduated high school in a couple of years. So scratch that one. Just take that to the curb down when already.
never really get rid of them. But it's just different, you know what I mean? When they're that old, it's just like, okay, no more school things to worry about. It's just one less. right. Sophia. Sophia. Already planning her Sweet 16. what? Yes. She's showing me dresses and colors and scheme. I'm like, you're 10.
But I like this dress and this is the look I'm going for from my sweet 16. Yes, that's a look I'm going for. Yes. I'm like what she might say to you much like no, this is timeless. It's classic. It'll look good in six years and this is what I want. Okay. But yeah, so this that's that one. Once that one graduates high school that will be like, whew, they're pretty close from her. So it's like 10, you know, that'll be this one. So I feel like I'll be operating at like max capacity.
for some time. All I'm going to say is having had a one teenager 16 year old boy. Thank God I waited as long as I did before having the second and the third one. The gap is helpful, right? The gap is so helpful just in terms of realizing what matters and what doesn't matter.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (16:08.844)
Also, like just having to deal with one teenager is so much. It's so much, I can't imagine dealing with multiple teenagers at once. I'm like, my God, my God. I know, and it's like I'm gonna have to that with them. It's like multiple teenagers. Yeah, so girl, I'm praying for you daily. Every time I think about it, I'm like. So Sophia, she's 10 now, her and Drew.
or what three years apart. So they'll still be teenage at the same time. So it'll be those two. So so Phil will be 16, he'll be 13, Aiden will be 10, no, Aiden will be 11, because they're two years apart. So it's like, yeah, those two boys, I'm telling you, when those two boys hit teenage age at the same time. Yeah, my eye was big. And then Jason and this one, they'll be two years apart.
So they'll be in high school. I'm not as worried about him, but it's the other two Jason. I know he's up in the air a little bit. We'll see what he's TBD. I don't know. It's TBD. Yeah, I feel like it will be my biggest so feel be my my biggest struggle Because she already acts like a teenager, but the boys they they're pretty much, know little
Easier going you know what I mean, and they want to be scientists don't both of them want to be scientists or just drew does Aiden I'm not sure Aiden. He's just like He's like literally like a Disney movie. He's like really happy and like Like I don't know he just needs to be in a Disney movie like yeah, he is like quintessential like everything. It's great I love all of you High School Musical
Yay. You know what I mean? So that's the kind of time he's on. Jason, I don't know. He might choose violence. We'll see. And then, I don't know, this one is TBD. That's so funny. But have another. Why not? Why not? We'll just have one more. Round it out. Make it nice and even, Pilar. Nice and even. can do it. We have the minivan now, so. So what's stopping you? Fill it up. And I'm sorry, know, Sark is down. I'm down a clown.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (18:24.268)
So he always wanted a big family. He feels like he achieved that. Obviously having a forest, we would, you know. Yes, just fill up that minivan. Have his dream like come true. Like this is his realization and you'll be fine. Just throw another one out there. Maybe you have two more, who knows, but just throw it out there. You might get a twofer.
God help me if we have a going out of business sale. Exactly like our eggs like we're going out of business. So they buy one get one. It's like a bo go at this point. Hey, hi there. Yeah, I'm talking to you. If you've been enjoying it. Yeah. If you've been enjoying hanging out with us, please don't forget to follow it is 100 % free. Just like 399.
399 baby, just like the best friendships. Hey, hey. Why don't you want a good time? Why don't you want your friends to have a good time? Seriously. And speaking of which, yes, send us to your friends so you can share in all of the best moments. Because we're the that keeps on giving. We are the gift that keeps on giving. Just share us. us around like a doobie at a frat party or wherever. Just pass us around. We're good.
We're good for it. I heard this family, were talking, we were talking about the, bread, you know, like the bread and that sliced bread in the bag and how nobody touches the, wants to ever eat the ends. The booty part, the booty. And they said they call it the butt. no, somebody said they call it the hoe because everyone touches it, but nobody wants it. Yeah, I like that. That's true. It's like everybody touches on that piece. Like, Ooh, I don't want that. Like they'll feel on you, but they won't keep
I know that hole wants love too. Freaky deaky's need love too. Freaky deaky's need love too. I'm just going to read this out. Okay. Is it a long one? I'm just gonna, it's a long one, but I'm going to read it. I think it'll take like two to five minutes. Okay. Ooh. Here we go. All right. Good evening, ladies. Help is needed. I met my husband in August of 2019. We were engaged by Christmas of 2019 and married.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (20:50.06)
February 14th on Valentine's Day, 2020. My husband convinced me to get married at the courthouse before our wedding ceremony. I later found out he was concerned about his residency status expiring before Trump implemented harsh immigration laws for immigrants with working visas. I thought he was already a legal resident. Ooh, okay, important detail. We agreed to keep our marriage a secret from my family, red flag.
My family would have been upset that they weren't there to witness our union, true. I started to plan for our wedding 2020. In March 2020, I put a deposit down, emphasis on I put, on a venue of our September ceremony, also a red flag. Then the pandemic happened and talking about our plans for our upcoming ceremony became a one -sided conversation, interesting.
A wedding gown tucked away in the back of the closet alongside our wedding decor, collecting dust and a deposit. I became defeated and stopped pushing for a wedding. I wanted a small union ceremony so my family would know that we were family. I have two twin boys, well, who were 10 at the time. They did not accompany us to the Justice of Peace. It was myself, my husband and best friend. I thought we would have had a ceremony
in front of everyone and wouldn't have to disclose that we married months earlier. I did not want to feel left out. Or I did not want to, I'm assuming I didn't want them to feel left out. Fast forward to present date. My husband and I just coexist in the house because of Superior Complex. He pays all of the rent, however, I live in a rent controlled apartment complex. Everything else I cover.
For example, I will buy food for the whole house. He will go to the African market weekly and buy himself food for his upcoming work week. Sometimes I will use money from our food allowance for him to get his assorted meats and spices. He will make his meals and leave a piece or two on the stove. He doesn't make enough for everyone to have. Every Friday, he will go to an African restaurant, order himself a platter.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (23:08.564)
and come home to eat his food in the living room while the boys watch him. His excuse for not getting them a platter is always, I don't want them to waste it. He pays for his nieces and nephews' fees in Nigeria. He sends home money to his mother, father, brother, sister, and son. I have a stepson who is the same age as the twins. I've only spoken to him a handful of times out of the years.
The last few years, he would talk to him in early morning or at work. We mostly speak when he is saying, thank you for the clothes I picked out for them to be spent in a barrel for school and spent in a barrel for school. You can get like barrels and like ship it. Okay. To be sent in a barrel for school and the holidays. Over the years, it has become apparent that the man I married doesn't prioritize his family here.
Most of his money goes elsewhere. He only contributes around $950 a month. His monthly income is 4 ,000. He pays for his car insurance and gas. I pay for our food, phone bill, internet, and any major purchase in the home. He was able to buy the car because I filed jointly. We split the tax return. The car was supposed to be for family road trips. We have not been on one vacation as a family.
We have not gone many places as a family besides the park, movies, and probably a dinner or three. He received a letter stating from immigration for his interview for a 10 -year visa. I thought he already had a 10 -year visa. Reason being because out of the four years, I never received an immigration letter pertaining to his status. He had a social security card. He explained that immigration office has been packed up since COVID for extended residency.
from two to 10. Also, I never sponsored him for a visa. I was made aware that his friend sponsored his residency. Now that he is in a position to receive a 10 -year visa because it is tied to our marriage, he wants to take pictures of us every moment. He wants more pictures of the kids. He wants vacations. He wants evidence for immigration. He now wants to share bills.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (25:26.796)
His name added onto phone bills and et cetera. We've always had a joint account because he would send rent there. He was doing that all along to prove our marriage was real. All of these little things are starting to point that he married me for a 10 year residency. It is hard to come to terms with that. I did not file jointly for us. I did not add his name on things. He has gone to the extreme to get
BJ cards in our names. He is asking for the ceremony receipt that I paid the deposit for. The one we never used. The receipt for the wedding dress. Everything that can prove our marriage is real. I feel like he is in it for the long run. My question is, do you think he married me for a visa? We have been married the right amount of time to be able to get a 10 year residency. Do you think it was all a con game? Dear God.
Almighty listen the only family vacation we would be taken is to the fucking divorce court his baby with poppers with poppers and the twins can come because it's a celebration extended family welcome yes and bring your family too if you have any here or you can you can zoom chat them you can
Or make it a whole fucking celebration. Because no, you're not gonna sit there and cook dinner and watch them have my children watch you eat while you sitting there fucking sending all this money back home and we could possibly be gone without because you don't give two shits of a flying fuck about us. It's not happening. Yes, girl, in my opinion, he is using you and he probably will leave you.
once he gets what he needs from you. I mean, in my personal opinion, he's probably cheating on you now, but that's just me. It's just all pointing to that. It's a whole bunch of red flags. And it's definitely seeming like it's a marriage based on convenience and not of mutual respect and love and adoration of what a marriage should be built upon. I mean, me, I'm petty. I'd probably call ice on him
Pilar Lyutfalieva (27:46.91)
Immigration, whatever. I'm like, let's make it easy. I'm like, I've been duped. I've been scammed. Come get him. This is exactly where he lives. It's exactly where he's staying at. And you can go back home in the barrel or without it. I don't care. But in the barrel, I'm petty like that. I'm calling immigration. Ice ice baby. Like, just call me vanilla ice. Because they come in and they're coming for you.
That's my two cents. All right. So you want to know what I think? Yes. Okay. first things first. mean, forest of the trees here is that it's both their faults, okay? Because there was not enough communication to begin with at the very, very, very start. are things
they should have talked to each other about, and really, you know, you always want to be in alignment with your significant other, always want to be in alignment. And there's zero margin for error on that, especially when you're in and around the full committal event, right? whether it's, you know, talking about marriage or agreeing to marriage, but before marriage,
Right? Marriage is not this event in, you know, traditionally speaking, especially in a lot of cultures, there's this idea that like, okay, after marriage, now we start having a relationship. And that's not, and now we're realizing at modern times, like, no, like you can move in with each other. You can do all these things now that before we're seen as, you know, an assault to tradition. And now we're really
Right. And now we're realizing like we need to have that time together to understand if we're compatible because there's conversations that happen. There's things that go on that, you know, we don't really know until we've spent enough time together. And I feel like there were some serious red flags in the beginning just around the communication of like the marriage and the wedding. Like, I feel like that's huge, huge, huge, huge, And I think right off the
Pilar Lyutfalieva (30:06.376)
that's when like a very serious conversation should have happened. And never taking for granted that you have your agency. You know what I mean? And I think that you can definitely tell that she didn't want there to be a rift. She didn't want there to be contention and she didn't want there. So she did a lot to appease him.
And regardless of what culture you're from, you know what I mean? It's all about compatibility. And so regardless if they come from a different culture, don't come from a different culture, at the end of the day, it's very possible still to be very compatible with each other. You know what I mean? Like my husband's Russian, very different culture, very different way of thinking, but we're very, very compatible with each other. What a human level. Yeah. And you know what I mean? It's still
human level and still that communication. Exactly. Like we commute, we have a compatible communication style. You know, when there's difficult conversations, we have those, we always make sure we're in alignment. We're not afraid of difficult conversations. And I think that when you're in a committed relationship, you know, you can't shy away from difficult conversations. And it's those difficult conversations that really define the kind of relationship that you have. and that goes for whether it's,
a friendship or a family member, but especially if it's your partner, right? Even with your kids. So, but if you can't have a difficult conversation with your partner, that person who's supposed to be your everything, you know what I mean? Maybe not everything, everything, but they're supposed to be your confidant. They're supposed to be the person that you trust. They're supposed to be the person that you're bouncing ideas off of, the person that you're, you know, is your sounding board. If you can't have difficult conversations with them, and you live with this person and you're,
tied to this person, you're only setting yourself up for failure. You're only setting yourself up for failure. So I feel like, I like how you said marriage of convenience because I feel like that's what it's been for both of them because it's also convenient for if you don't want to be in a contentious, you know, relationship, you don't want to be having contentious conversations. It's convenient for you too to ignore it and to not have the courage.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (32:28.3)
To just be like, okay, I'm scared, but I'm gonna do the scary thing anyways. in her, I mean, for sure, there's way more to unpack here in terms of why we make these decisions. But by no means is it 100 % her fault, right? But at the same time, I think that the scariest part about this is what she said at the end, Is realizing the truth of it all. And now what do you have to do? You have to do something about it. It's like when you're
Honestly, I feel like this happens in two very specific situations with the people we love that we're in an intimate relationship with and a job that we've been with for a long time where we have created connections. When you know you have to break it off, but you don't want to, but you know that you have to. And I feel
It sounds like she's been, she's had this in her mind probably since the beginning. Since the justice of the peace ceremony. was like, you know, and no, feel maybe this might've started like, when that deposit was put down and then it became really one -sided. then, you know, it's like the dream of having a wedding guide. Keeping it from your family feels wrong. And family not knowing.
That's rough. you know, your son. like your family. feel like that's wild, you know? Yeah, I really your son, you know, I mean, you have these two boys and they have no idea.
I don't think they knew because the family didn't know. And if you don't want the family to know, you don't tell children because they might spill the beans. That's wild. That's just extra wild to me. It's wild. Like nobody knows. Yeah. And I feel like the longer you wait, the more this becomes your problem, not his. You know what I mean? Because now, and it's so rough, but this is one of those situations
Pilar Lyutfalieva (34:40.01)
The thing that she has going good for her is that she has all the evidence piled up to basically make this not a conversation. She doesn't have to explain herself. And this is what people don't give them self credit for is that when you're in a bad relationship, when you're in a toxic relationship, you don't owe the other person anything. And you sure as shit don't owe them an explanation when they know.
full fucking well what it is that they're doing. Do not treat them like they're stupid because they're treating you like you're stupid. Don't treat them like they're That's not purity from, you know, that ain't purity from the sky. That's no, that's caca from someone's ass. So like, it's shit. It's shit. It's shit.
You know that I know that why are we playing emperor's clothes dance here? I don't know. So she's she has that's the only thing that's that go is that that person has going for them. And the only thing that I think that they could maybe get caught up on is if the person switches it up on them and go, why now? Right. Like if that like why now nothing has changed.
Again, you don't owe that person any explanation. damn thing. You don't owe them a damn thing. mean, like, my God, if I can tell you the amount of situations and I'm sure we all have experience with those friends or even in ourselves personally, when we're like, have like, you feel like you have to somehow defend yourself and make this person comfortable by having like the right answers and all this.
No, you don't. 1000 % don't. You can literally just be like, this doesn't work for me. And if you don't understand that, especially in like bad relationships, if you don't understand why, that's your problem. And it's not my job to babysit you. No, not at all. But guess what? They do know because everything they did was a choice and they did it knowing.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (37:05.566)
we'll give an inch take a mile. Well, they didn't say anything. So I'm gonna just keep doing this. Well, now just keep using it abusing and just keep. That's exactly it. That's exactly it. That's why toxic relationships only get worse. If you're sitting there going, well, if I ignore this, then it'll be then I'm just gonna sweep it under the rug. No, baby. Because the more you sweep under the rug, now you got a lopsided rug. Now what you gonna do? It's not the earth isn't gonna swallow it up. Yeah, right back at you.
And said, I'm sorry, I have receipts here for all this shit. Right, like I have the receipts, like you to see like a whole. Yeah, like I have the receipts, I know. I'm telling you. Payment due, like, so yeah, so I think 100 % it's a marriage of convenience. I agree, I think that he's with her for the immigration.
I wouldn't be surprised though if he had a more open conversation with her in the beginning that she might have been okay with it, right? Which is okay because I feel like when you're in a relationship sometimes you make that call. You're like, well, I don't want you to have to leave and this is kind of a good thing. And obviously like just so that we're on the same page about what this is. You know what I mean? Like that's for sure happened. Even when I had. That does happen. Yeah, even when I had Rafa.
You know, his dad was from Peru and it was one of those things where it's like, okay, obviously we want you to stay, but at the same time we were also like very much on the same page of like, if this doesn't work out, like this doesn't work out. You know what I mean? Like, I don't want you to leave. So we didn't have like a wedding or anything. We went to the courthouse, we got all that stuff so that he could stay in the country. That's what it was first and foremost, because we were still a very young couple. You know what I mean? So we made that choice, but you
I mean, not to say that he was smart or anything, but we, but it happened and we were, you knew what it was though. It wasn't like he wasn't using you though. You know what I mean? At least he had the decency. You know, you guys came to this agreement together. You know I mean? Like, Hey, let's do it. If it doesn't work, fuck it. It doesn't work. We tried and you asked him go back to the mountains. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, that's on you. But this one, I
Pilar Lyutfalieva (39:28.128)
This seems like it was just so, malintent, you know I mean? And deceitful. And once I feel like I've been deceived like that, I know she mentioned that they had like a joint bank account, like the account's getting wiped out. I hope you have that money set aside so that you've been sending out your family because you're about to need it. You're getting the fuck out of my house. I don't care. You can live in your car for all I give a fuck because.
I mean, it's just like, it was very one sided and it was never anything different. Like how did they? Yeah, it was totally different. Like it was never about us. You know what I mean? It's all about you. And now I'm going to be all about me and I'm going to take all your money. And honestly, if you're a con man or con woman, you know, con person, a con person, you know, to always have insurance. And so if he doesn't have, if he doesn't have anything set aside,
That's on him because I think that he's probably a risk situation. Right. This is very high risk. And I feel like he does in my opinion. And that's good for him. Cause that's driving me out. It's about to him on his way out. 100 % 100 % and go in there and that's just going to be declined. He's gonna try to go to his little African market decline. Not on my dime. You better go and tap into your African fund. my God. Not coming from
And honestly, like, I'm not. And once you start buying food for yourself and have my children watching you eat, I'm not cooking shit for you. That's wild. Like that's why know. That's what I mean. Like, I feel like at every. In situations like this with people like this, it's give an inch, take a mile. They are children, so they will test. And if you give it to them, they will keep going, keep going, keep going. It's not this, well, it's just for this or it's just for
You have to have these conversations. You have to, okay, is this what this is or is that what this is? What is this? I don't feel comfortable with that. And I feel like the way this, how it reads, he probably would have been like, no, I love you. This isn't about that. We'll eventually have the ceremony. I feel like he was very misleading.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (41:47.188)
They have a golden throat chakra, okay, and they'll make you doubt yourself they will gaslight. Yeah, like that's what you feel a certain way But that's what I mean by do it is not a conversation. Okay, that's like a gaslighter eyes That throat chakra because they will hypnotize you into believing that you are in the wrong So when a master gaslighter exactly, so do not let them talk what goat is don't play with me shit Let me tell you
people and people show you who they are, believe them. Never believe you can change someone or if the signs are there, like it's a fucking billboard for the universe. It's like, you know, like how it points and it's like flashing bright lights, like the signs, the signs, the signs, they're all here. it's like, 100%, 100%. You don't owe this person anything. When someone treats you bad over and over and over again, or just like,
is just making you uncomfortable over and over and over again. And Yeah, not respecting your feelings, just Yeah. And it's difficult for you, honestly. I'm a big proponent of like, even if it's like friends and stuff, honestly. Yes. It's difficult conversation for you to have, which I don't condone as like a blanket policy to just ghost people, but I -
If at the end of the day it's difficult for you, it's creating stress for you. And this person has done things that, if that happened to them and they know and you have a feeling and it's like, you know what? And this is, this is, it's like, there's actual things that are happening that are wrong. It's not just like a philosophical alignment, dis -alignment. It's just like, it's more like, okay, you know, why are you like, this just happened recently. I'm Yeah, it's like, it's a disagreement.
You know what mean? But it's like disagreements. That's one thing, you know, you can talk about like, okay, let's let's talk about this. But when it's like blatant intentional, they're just like shitting on you and they keep doing the same shit. And you're like, you know what? Exactly. Ghost mode activated. Just like disappear. And I've done it like, you know, I mean, did it suck? You know, was it sad that it happened with the friendship? Yeah, it was.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (44:12.908)
But you gotta make choices. You gotta make choices. more than that. know when to... Yeah. I got some people show you who they are, believe them. And that's it. Believe And you don't wish them any ill will, none of that. I wish you the best. just... 100%. You can't sit with us. 10 ,000%. She doesn't even go here. I don't You know, like... No. I don't judge nobody. don't judge nobody, okay? You know that. I know that. And I totally... You know what I mean?
cycle of life, baby. judge for fashion. Con people like if you don't have insurance for yourself, if you're not covering your bases, like how did you think this was not a high risk situation? Like your ass is gonna get kicked to the curb eventually. Eventually like woman alone on like on your own accord, or she's gonna she's gonna kick you out. You know, and karma is bitch. So you have to be prepared for that. Like you better have insurance.
You need to be ready. You need to have a little nest egg or something together because it's the case it doesn't work out. It's like when you have these dumb narcissists and criminals, it's like maybe you should pick another line of work or be a better person. it's or they're always hiring bag people. Right. Like this is not for you. Like how do you not have like a whole bag secured like ready for this time? Exactly. I will say my first big red flag.
from her message was the fact that she didn't know his immigration status. And I feel like that and the family not knowing, I feel like the family not knowing was massive, but depending on when one thing happened over the next, like just knowing just about his immigration status, period, okay? Like that's, and you're married now, like that's
problem capital P. Okay. Right. Right. And that's like where everything should stop. And I don't doubt that she for sure tried to have many conversations with him and tried to, but again, golden golden throw chocolate, right? Like he's just, he's spinning these tails and he's weaving them to make her feel like she's in a corner and she has to say yes.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (46:35.18)
Right. And we don't know maybe he made her like maybe she had been in relationship for a long time. You know, she was just looking for that companionship and absolutely so happy to just, know, have someone that was more to unpack and why it happened. But that's what I mean. You're at a point now where you're at the best point in the relationship to say goodbye because you're like, you know what? Right. I've given you 10 ,000 miles and you took away all my agency and you've you've put me in this position where
I don't have to explain shit to you. You have been a terrible partner. You have not respected me. You've not respected my family. I don't owe you shit. I don't owe you shit. And this is not a conversation. Yeah, and this is not a conversation. Get your shit, get out. I will forward your address. And if you don't forward your own address after a month,
I'm going to start throwing your trash in the mirror, everything, all your everything. I'm going to start throwing it in the trash. Yep. Period. Period. Because I mean, I would have thought about flashing tires, but I'm trying to evolve. say hurt people hurt people. go, bitch, I'm hurt. But you know, hurt. But for the sake of this, if I want you to get away from me, you need all four tires or whatever.
Doesn't mean I can't put sugar in your tank. I'm just saying. But again, high risk activity. You better, you gotta, you gotta be prepared for a high risk. Yeah. Positive or negative. Exactly. And if you didn't plan accordingly, well, if you don't, what is it? If you don't, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. This is true. Like if you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes and fuck around and find out. Like this is a true fuck around and find out situation. And I hope he finds
I love that. Yes. 100%. It's like Melania. Melania, you know, she had an objective. Yeah. Well crafted her pursuit and she well crafted her intent and she has secured what she wants and she's done so in a way that while it is for her benefit, she has not sacrificed her future. And this gentleman,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (49:00.202)
has been a piss poor partner. He has been a piss poor communicator. He's been a piss poor everything. Okay. He has not, even if this was an exchange, even if it was for the immigration status, bitch, you better be mopping my floors. Right. At least, mean, pretend like shit. I wouldn't say all the time. That is what I'm saying. Like, how are you not like investing?
and at least making this woman's easier. Right, like make me want to keep you. Like your name's not on the lease, like she mentioned. Like don't fucking play with me. Like your ass can be gone. Like let's not. Like I said, when women, cause that happens, you know, coming here like, I'm going to marry someone and get my green card. Like, whatever. But a lot of times the men already know, or even
they do or don't know. She's like, well, let me make sure that he wants to keep me around at least until I get this citizenship or whatever. And I don't have to deal with him anymore. At least, at least be a good person. Pretend to be a good, like, are you even trying? Like, that's what I mean. Like, it's like no effort. I'm making your kids, their kids were like, like, how did you think this was going to turn out for you? You hear that noise? It's their fucking hunger. Like, are you kidding me right now? And then you leave.
two pieces of meat. I didn't want them to waste it. Kids waste food every fucking day. Yeah, it's called being a parent. It's called being a parent. And then even if they, you know, they don't eat the food, you can get them something else. Yeah. Like, or maybe try different things that they may like. Or, but I shouldn't come home and then they're just sitting there looking at me saying we're hungry. Listen, I will say this, if she has the courage, because it is scary,
But it is a scary thing, but she's got to do the scary thing. She has the courage to do it. Afterwards, she's also going to have to need to have the courage to mend those broken bridges with her sons because there's no way that they're coming out of this unscathed or feeling like, you, why did you let this man in our house? And let me be hungry. Yeah, exactly.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (51:19.914)
You know, that was a question that, you know, my son posted me when I got with Stark, it was like, you know, if something happens, like, who are you going to pick? You know, because it was in the very, very early stages when we were dating. I was like, obviously you, baby. Like, obviously you, you know, like, it's always you. It's always been us. And, know, when it happens because, especially if it's been you and them, you know, for so long.
And then this new person comes and they're like, you know, what about me? So you just have to make sure that they feel like they're still at the forefront and that this person doesn't come before them. So definitely having that conversation with them and helping them understand the decision and the reasoning why, and, you know, just make them understand how important they are. The dynamic will change.
Because you eventually want that traditional family style where it's like, yes, the adults are at the top of the pyramid. You know what I mean? And if we're happy, the top down sort of like of a company sort of style, right? Like our culture comes from the top and as leaders, we want to influence that into our family. And it can't be the children influencing the culture, even if it's parent and child. If they're too...
adults in the house, they need to influence the culture of the house and of the family. And eventually, but it's all that's why, that's why you have to have really good communication. That's why you have to have a lot of intention around building that family culture and all that transparency involved and just, you know what I mean? So you can, you got this girl though. We are with you. We are behind you. We're front of you.
Pushing you, take his money. Vanessa says take his money. I'm gonna say just logistically organize so that when you kick him out, he doesn't have access to the apartment. Change the locks. Change the locks, forwarding address, get all your duckies in a row of everything that he's gonna have to change. Give him a list and be like, you need to take care of these things by the end of the month. If not.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (53:33.638)
These things are going in the trash or whatever by the end of the month. This is what's happening. So give a very clear instruction. Do not, don't have to explain yourself why it's happening. Be like, our relationship has ended. Yeah. That's it. Our relationship has ended and thus you need to take care of X, Y, Z and T. And if they're not taken care of, this is what's going to happen. Yep. And all your shit's going in the trash. If it's not out of my house. Exactly.
by ex date with the trash like it is. And I'm still taking all your money. Yeah, I I mean, honestly, calculate any expenses that it's going to take for you. I mean, this is totally immoral, but yeah, calculate any expenses that is going to take for you to take care of this and then just take it out as an account and be like, I paid myself. Don't worry. was fair. deducted it. The citizenship fund. This is not official advice, but.
The citizenship fund, I did that today. Yeah, exactly. mean, shoot. Call the ICE tags. It'll be all right. You just throw ICE around, I say shit. But again, you know, this is unsolicited advice, obviously. But you know, just, and of course, if you feel like you're not safe or, you know, things like that, contact the authorities beforehand and move accordingly. So that way your safety
is of course paramount in your children's safety. You know him better than we do. So I'm hoping it all works out. Exactly. Just make sure you stay safe and take the money. You can even talk to, you can tell the local, whoever does your street or your neighborhood is their beat. You can find out who those officers
You know, you can tell them your situation and you can say, is what's going to be happening. I'm afraid for my safety. would like to see, is it possible? What do you recommend? Is it possible to have like, just a presence? Is it possible to just let you know when I'm doing it so that if there is a problem, when I call, you know, there's like already an awareness, like how do I set it up so that she has someone there already? Like a lot of states, I think here in New York, a safe horizon might be one of them. Like, you know,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (56:02.838)
different, know, different orgs and depending on your state where, you know, domestic violence is taken seriously now. It has, wasn't in the past, but I feel like it's taken much more seriously now. And, know, some state's officers will come escort you, you know, make sure that everything is okay and they take everything out the house so that it's, you know, it's, a safe environment. So, you know, we wish you the best and we want you to be safe and good luck with everything. You got this. We love you.
take his money