00:02
So when other people, when when you need care and you need care from other people, what does that mean? What does it look like? And, and why is it so important actually to, to learn to request care. So caring for others and giving your time and energy and, and, and your gift, and we've talked about this in the last two episodes, is kind of a built in many ways in our society. And as a practitioner of care, you're gonna get better and better at that over time, triaging the issues and things like that. But on the recipient side, there is also some obligations, let's say, and these are super important to understand.
00:49
We'll, we'll start with the obligations first. First, you know, your need does not obligate others to perform. So I understand that there are sort of variations on that and specific situations, I'm sure you can identify you're bleeding on the street. Somebody doesn't solve that problem. You're, you know, gonna die. And that's really personal to you. But to other people, it's a completely different experience. At the same time, when you get, you know, you're in pain or you are suffering of, for some reason, it is a common response. And I've had this come up where you're indignant with others about they don't understand my pain. You get upset because your need is now driving the ship and other people are not responding in a way that satisfies your sort of wound in some capacity. So as somebody that's in need of care, there's a couple important things that you need to know.
01:58
One, being in need, first and foremost, and, and this is maybe a, a subtle take, but being in need is actually a gift to others. Letting other people care for you is a way to increase intimacy. It is a way to strengthen and deepen a relationship when it's not done pathologically. So pathologically executed need becomes codependent. Then there's books and volumes of information on that, and you don't need to hear me wax on it, but rest assured, you can't be you, you can't let your need drive your relationships. You can't let that that interplay perpetually control how you manipulate others either. So, but that said, when you have a genuine need and you can leverage somebody else for help, it strengthens relationships. I can, sure, you can
02:58
Relate. You've been in a situation where you had a genuine need, someone came to your aid and it was over that delivery of aid or, you know, moment of care and compassion that you were strengthened and, and grew a relationship. This is in fact how all good relationships really grow to a degree. It's maybe not the, the only mechanism by which they grow, but it is a key mechanism by which relationships develop. So you wanna build good relationships, ask people for help, is really the, the underpinning there. But, but again, understand that that, that asking for help does not imply an obligation on their part to do so. And when asking for help, it is also really important that you ask for help in the right way.
03:53
What, what you wanna avoid is situations where the help doesn't solve the problem. So if you ask somebody, you know, Hey, listen, I'm, I'm hard up right now. Can I, can I borrow a couple hundred bucks? And they say, sure. They, they have solved that problem in the immediate basis. But if you're hard up every week and you need to keep borrowing a hundred bucks, that's not solving the problem. That's becoming dependent. So when you're asking for help, try and get to things like root cause. Like, hey, I'm hard up right now. I'm looking for maybe some additional income. Do you know somebody who's got some odd jobs or is hiring for that kind of work or x kind of, you know, service? That's a completely different way to ask for help. It solves root cause and it doesn't make the person who's providing help put them on the hook for providing more.
04:51
So, so you wanna make sure that you're, you are not trapping other people through your request for help and you're also getting the problem solved. You're not, you know, becoming this dependent monster. So again, when you're asking for help, other things that you want to be clear of, there are times when you want solutions and there are times when you want compassion. And you'll find this is often the case in relationships with the opposite gender, where you go to the table and you are looking for compassion and they are going to provide solutions and vice versa. Some folks are just looking to resonate some of the adversities of life by sharing that commiserating experience where it's like, yeah, doesn't it suck when this happens? Yeah, man, that totally is horrible. Those kind of conversations don't get better or don't go well when one person's trying to solve the problem and the other person's trying to just kind of have a social commentary or what have you.
05:59
So be mindful when you're asking for help of what you're asking for. Are you asking for the solve? Are you asking for commiseration? Are you asking for something that's really gonna genuinely solve the problem? Or are you asking to, you know, get more runway to a problem you're currently trying to solve yourself? Whatever the case might be, understand that, you know, we've done well. I've done the right, you know, skillfully asking for help is a gift to the people around you. And it is not strictly speaking, just gonna help you solve problems. It's gonna help you cement and strengthen relationships. So we'll get more into this in future episodes, but you know, we'll start here with again, ask for help. I think you'll find, even for the small stuff, folks will chip right in and help out talk soon.