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We are Meredith and Mishelle and together, we are flipping the script on what it means to be an IT girl. Each week we will be discussing topics and questions submitted by YOU, our audience, as we navigate life's challenges together.
Mishelle Kost (00:01)
Hey, fabulous people, I'm Meredith. And I'm Michelle. And together we're here to flip the script on what it truly means to be the It Girl. That's right. Whether you're rocking the runway or embracing the messy bun life, no matter your size, ethnicity, or state of your sweats, you are It. We're diving deep into the realness of life, celebrating the victories, navigating the failures, and sometimes not having a clue while doing it all.
We've got battle scars, heartbreaks, contagious laughs, and an unbreakable bond of love for each other. Join us every week as we unwrap different topics and answer questions brought to us by our amazing audience. That's you. Get ready for a fresh dose of perspective that'll make you think, laugh, and maybe even shed a tear. We're on this journey together, growing, crying, laughing, and fighting for one another, because that's what being an It Girl is all about.
So send us your burning topics and thought provoking questions through our website, itgirllife .com or drop us a line directly at hello at itgirllife .com. Let's make every moment count, embrace the chaos and live our best it girl lives.
Meredith (01:02)
everybody, welcome back. We're here at episode nine, which is titled Perfectly Imperfect, which I love this title and don't think it needs any more explanation. So we are going to jump right into the icebreaker question, which is what cork did your parents have growing up that you thought was weird or maybe annoying that you now find yourself doing?
Mishelle (01:31)
Okay, such a good question. That one is so funny. Okay.
Meredith (01:31)
Thank you.
Mishelle (01:37)
What I keep thinking about is that insurance commercial where they're always talking about you becoming your parents. Yeah.
Meredith (01:44)
Don't become your parent. Yes, I do so many things on that. I feel so
Mishelle (01:49)
So good. What is a quirk? I would say, I don't know if this is a quirk or what, but I do know that lately I find myself being more and more like my dad. My dad is, which feels really strange because I'm on this podcast and I'm talking so much, but my dad is a very quiet person. He's like a man of many little words. And I,
Meredith (01:59)
Thank you.
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (02:19)
when anyone's talking or trying to engage with them, usually what response you'll get with them is closed mouth and just a nodded head that's just like, I'm doing it, you can't see me, so I'm just gonna describe it, but just closed mouth and you're nodding your head, acknowledging something, but no words spoken. And I find myself doing that so much lately, and it's so weird and strange that I keep doing it.
And my mom and both my husband get so irritated because they're like, you're acting just like your dad. I know it's really weird, but that's the one thing that comes to mind. What about you?
Meredith (03:03)
think about this long and hard. The one quirk I got was anxiety. 100 % they had it. I now have it in like full force anxiety over everything. And so thanks, thanks mom and dad. I'm anxious about, I don't know exactly in my life where that turning point happened where I have this high functioning anxiety all the time, but I do and it's bad.
Mishelle (03:07)
Mmm.
my goodness.
Do you feel like you got your anxiety from your mom or your dad?
Meredith (03:34)
I think that the way that I react to things is more representative of my dad than my mom, to be fair. However, Ben, there's other courts that Ben will say, you're turning into your mom or you're turning into your dad, different things that I do or...
Mishelle (03:41)
Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm.
Meredith (03:57)
facial expressions or sayings or different things like that and it's so funny because my mom was just...
I don't know what it is. She's always such a light spirit and happy and funny and joking around all the time. And that's not me. And so when he says that I'm representing something like that, like an example, she would find something she's like, pretty, pretty, pretty. And so he will say, sometimes when I react, when I find really small things, I love miniature things. I don't know if it says that like if I bought a box of mini club crackers, because they look exactly like
Mishelle (04:12)
Mm -hmm.
-huh.
Meredith (04:35)
like big club crackers, but they're mini. And so Ben will go, is it pretty, pretty, pretty? Like trying to pretend like I'm turning into my mom in like what, joy. So that's probably another quirk that I've shared a lot. Now I'm like, should I have shared that much? But okay.
Mishelle (04:54)
I love it. I had no idea that you're into many things. I have a friend who's into many things and that's so cute. Now I know what to buy you. Little miniature versions of everything.
Meredith (05:05)
It and the other thing Michelle immense joy animal stuffed animals dressed up like another animal.
Mishelle (05:13)
stuffed animal dressed up like another animal. So like a dog dressed up like a frog?
Meredith (05:16)
Yes, but I have an ornament of a bear dressed up as a moose and it says Merry Moosemus. Don't know. Like, I don't know why. My favorite ornament. 100%. Exactly. Exactly. Well, now I'm uncomfortable and slutty
Mishelle (05:29)
Because it's pretty pretty pretty!
can transition then into the topic. That was so good. I love it. As you guys remember, Meredith and I, when we started this podcast, we didn't know each other very well. So we're both still in the process of learning about ourselves and each other. So this has been fun. Okay. In going, moving into the topic. So today's topic is about, as you know, the...
Meredith (05:57)
Yeah.
Mishelle (06:05)
episode topic was perfectly imperfect. So today's question is, I'm always holding myself to unrealistic standards and I can't seem to stop. So that's what we're going to talk about today is how to manage our own unrealistic standards and what to do about that. Cause that's real. I don't know about you, Meredith, but that comes up for me quite a bit. Unrealistic standards. I mean, that's just like a normal everyday thing, I think.
Meredith (06:30)
Yeah.
I would agree. Yeah, this one hit me hard because I feel and I think, you know, even in off conversation, you know that I spiral on this quite a bit in my personal life, in my in my professional life. I think everybody struggles with this and we'll just say that out loud, even if everybody looks put together, if outside looking in, you were to look at my life, you're like, man, that girl's got it.
Mishelle (06:37)
You
Mm -hmm.
Meredith (07:00)
A lot of people like to put themselves and say I'm a sitting duck with my feet moving like 100 miles an hour under the water. I say I'm a hairless cat choking on a hairball.
Like that is me and my anxiety and my expectations and really just trying to find a balance of being perfectly imperfect and really coming into a season where I'm accepting all of my faults in the way that I can forgive and accept others, which has always been a really big struggle for me is not caring about...
or protecting this person, myself, the way that I am so protective and wanting to help others. I don't know where we all get in this society where that's okay to not give ourselves the regular maintenance and the grace and all of that practice that we continually put into.
our cars, our families, our every tangible product that we might have that we care for those things more than we put the effort into caring for ourselves. And so I have been, this has been a year of mine to intentionally pour into my mindset, because that's where I think it starts, where...
there is a version of you that talks to you in a negative way. And so being conscious enough to stop that as soon as I know it's starting, because if not, then it spirals out for me. And especially that I'm on this new journey, on this new professional journey, there's so many voices and so many things that I have to battle with. But...
Mishelle (08:27)
Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm.
Meredith (08:50)
I'd love to get your take and then maybe I'll think through some tips and some general practices that I do as well.
Mishelle (08:57)
Yeah, well first I just have to say I don't think I have ever experienced you like a hairless cat choking on a hairball.
Meredith (09:04)
That's inside of me. You don't see it. I need everybody to, I need to appear cool, calm and collected. But it's.
Mishelle (09:13)
Okay, but inside your hairless cat choking on a hairball. that's so interesting. You're like, yeah, that's me.
Meredith (09:18)
Mm -hmm. Yeah.
Mishelle (09:22)
Okay, now I'm wondering like, what is it on the inside for me? I think for me, I would say I'm probably inside like drowning. It may look like, I have it all together and I'm making it work. But really what's the person on the inside is like, I am like the feet are fluttering and I'm like trying to grasp for air and there's no air coming through.
On realistic standards, I think, yeah, they're all self -inflicted. I think at the end of the day, you have to recognize it's all self -inflicted and comparison is the thief of joy. I know we've all heard that such a cliche statement, but it's cliche because it's the truth. And I, comparison can like steal any sort of joy out of your life or make you constantly feel like you're not meeting some.
expectation or meeting or like living up to your own efforts or feeling like you're enough. So that, I think the first step in like managing those unrealist expectations is to realize that you're doing it and to ask yourself like, is this realistic for me to expect this out of my life right now? Like that, that's like the, my, my first thing is the awareness to realize,
Like you said, it's a negative thought that has now entered my psyche. And am I going to allow that new belief set to run my life? Or am I gonna flip the script and shift that and choose something different from that regard? What's your tip?
Meredith (11:10)
I've been on a journey where I've been reading a lot more things that are around intentionally starting the day with something that pours back into me in a positive way.
that isn't, I wouldn't say almost like a motivational or sometimes you read a devotional if you're religious, you read a reflection or something of the day, but I try to do that and I really, one of the negative thoughts come through, I ask myself, would you tell this to anybody else? Would I say this to anybody else? Do you know what I mean? I've been trying to say that like, and also up until now, we've lived some life, right? Up until now, has that ever been true?
Mishelle (11:44)
oooo
Meredith (11:55)
Has it ever been true? One other thing that kind of hits me in the feels is there are some, something was said one time and I don't think it's a direct quote where there's so many versions of me out there. You have a version of me that I'm not privy to because you've met me, you've taken me in and the version of myself that I paint myself with a lot of the time is this roller coaster that I paint of myself.
is this one version where everybody else is like, Meredith's kind, Meredith is happy, Meredith is fun. And it's weird for me to think that there's thousands of that out there, and yet I can't practice this one version that I'm continually upgrading or trying to do. And so that's always hit me pretty hard that I want to make sure I'm always putting my best authentic self forward. And
if I'm not really honest about.
I struggle or I do all these things, then I'm not doing, I'm not giving you that best version of me to have a lasting impression or to know who I am. So I don't know if it felt a little bit rambly, but I try to focus on something positive to start the day with instead of a negative thought or like I look in the mirror and like, there's a new wrinkle. the scale isn't what I want it to be. I try to really be grateful for, okay, I'm breathing today. I feel good. I was able to
Mishelle (12:53)
Mm -hmm.
Meredith (13:20)
to get a good night rest really intentionally focusing on positive things that I can move forward with and the things that will I would I say the things I say to myself in my mind to someone else my gosh you're getting fat would I ever say that to my niece and have her have that thought in there never would I say that to my friend never so why would it be like yeah
Mishelle (13:40)
Right. It's like being, it's like giving yourself the kindness that you give to everyone else. Yeah. But again, it starts with that awareness because the voice will come through, it'll say something, and then you have the choice whether or not you want to listen to it, or if you're going to stop yourself and say, hey, would I say this to a loved one? Would I?
Meredith (13:50)
percent.
Mishelle (14:06)
Do I have this expectation around everyone else around me? And if the answer is no, then right, yeah, you need to reevaluate. And I think then the question, I think specifically the person was asking like about, I can't seem to stop setting these unrealistic expectations. So like, how do you stop yourself, I guess is really what we wanna chat through. And I would say the stopping,
Meredith (14:10)
Yeah.
Mishelle (14:36)
is yeah, I already talked about this, but it's awareness, but recognizing like, where is that coming from? I think is another one is where did this like unrealistic expectation or standard that you're setting yourself, where did it start? And why are you now thinking that thing? And I think like, for example, for me, one of mine is that I feel like I always have to do everything. Like I have to do it all, have to do it all and I can't ask for help. And it's like, where did I?
pick this up from and why do I have this unrealistic standard for myself because it'll often feel super exhausting because as you know I can't do it all and I do need help but if I don't recognize that I'm going into that mode of like I don't need you and I'm gonna do it myself and I don't need help.
Meredith (15:15)
Yeah.
Mishelle (15:27)
then I can't stop. Then I just keep spiraling and the exhaustion and all the things. So for me, if I can recognize like, I picked up this belief that I don't need anyone and I don't need you and I don't need help around the time that I was getting divorced, like that's when that first started. And by just recognizing that and identifying like that was the event that kicked that off.
Now I can let that go, clear it, and decide and make a different choice. I can choose to ask for help. I can choose to be the type of person who doesn't need to do it all, that can receive help. I will say though, it still comes up for me often. I catch myself. It doesn't, it's not like once you've identified it, you're free from it forever. You just have to continuously choose it. Because I'll say it comes up for me all the time where I find myself.
Meredith (16:18)
Yeah.
Mishelle (16:24)
exhausted and the first thing I do is ask myself is have I been trying to do it all myself? When's the last time I asked for help? And nine times out of 10 it's because I haven't asked for help so then I have to remind myself that I can ask for help and it's okay.
Meredith (16:32)
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean that's a huge practice to put into place and I think that you know where you can't stop having these unrealistic expectations or the thoughts that you have around yourself. I agree, you have to either one recognize.
one, two, three, continue to grow and I'm really great at this. I'm a great friend. If you have friends, I'm a great friend. Asking yourself that and telling yourself those things, that helps stop it. But similar to you, and I think we all struggle with this.
Mishelle (17:10)
Hmm.
Meredith (17:15)
is finding and I've never practiced it, Michelle. Like this is your area of expertise is really inter reflection and getting to know yourself better. And I'm in this area of time where I have to get to know myself because I've shared with you, I've been spiraling and really trying to figure out what my worth is if I'm not busy in work as much as I am. And so that's an unrealistic expectation that I have where I equated success to being stressed and
Mishelle (17:38)
Yeah.
Meredith (17:45)
and overworked and really just drained. But I'm like, now that I don't have that component, who am I? And how am I worthy? And that's really...
that's really unfair of something to put on myself. And I know that people are gonna continue to struggle with this, but recognizing that you're struggling with whatever category it is, then really taking it into pieces and parts and seeing if there was an emotional reaction or a response or something that triggered that feeling, because you put in and you introduce a narrative a lot of the time that doesn't exist.
Mishelle (18:26)
Yeah.
Meredith (18:26)
and make this whole, I will say it again, telenovela of a world and environment that's unrealistic and isn't true. And it's just this thing that you have to mentally practice and put effort into almost like, I don't want to go to the gym. I'm saying that as me. I don't want to go to the gym. But if I want to get healthier, if I want to be...
Mishelle (18:31)
You
Meredith (18:54)
appear healthier and lose some weight or all the things that I don't like I have to mentally and physically work and put in the effort you have to do that same thing to not to to be mentally healthy and mentally prepared to stop putting these high -pressure expectations on yourself that nobody else has nobody else has so yeah
Mishelle (19:06)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So first it's like identify where did it start and why did I even begin thinking that this is an expectation of myself? And then it's like you said, Meredith, it's almost like even in like the season you're in right now, it's like redefining what your expectation is now, because like you said, with the whole success thing, you were equating your worth with feeling busy.
And so now that that's not there, which you had this like unrealistic standard that in order for me to feel successful, I must be level 10 busy. And so now you're in this phase of, okay, that's not necessarily true. What is a more realistic expectation and standard that I want to set for myself in regards to success? So it's like, you identify it, you figure out where it came from. What is this emotional reaction I'm having to it?
then resetting, redefining what that is for you. And then step four is continuously choose that. And then the other thing I heard you kept saying, which I really appreciated was in the moments where you are feeling like a unrealistic standard and you go into this mode where you want to beat yourself up and talk down to yourself, what I heard you say, which I think the audience, I would love for y 'all to take this up is celebrate.
Meredith (20:20)
Yeah.
Mishelle (20:40)
something. Celebrate something that's going right or that's going well and appreciate yourself specifically for something. That's what I heard you say as like a practice for you and I'm like, that's so good. Like, can you appreciate one thing that you are doing and how does that like level set that expectation that you're having against yourself?
Meredith (21:02)
Yeah, I think that we don't give ourselves enough credit on how hard this journey is and how much we've overcome that we look so forward facing and saying, here's this next thing. Am I prepared for it? Am I the right person who needs this beating ourself up for that next step to come? And we didn't appreciate how much we lived through the storms we've been able to get through to get here.
Mishelle (21:24)
Mm -hmm.
Meredith (21:28)
and celebrating like you said and so really just being grateful for for me i'm always grateful for the opportunity and i reflect in the morning i'm grateful for the opportunity to potentially talk to one person and i reach out to people if they're on my mind because i need them to understand how much they mean to me even if i haven't talked to you for five or ten years i need you to understand i'm thinking of you today and you were great and you're you're the best or whatever i can provide to someone
Mishelle (21:47)
Mm -hmm.
Meredith (21:58)
Because that is for me what I try to do to myself, for myself, and even if people do reach out in the same manner, I just think that's what we need in our life is people like that. So it is a practice. It's something that we potentially have to pour into and work on and lift each other up, because we're all in the same boat.
Mishelle (22:10)
Mm -hmm. But -
We are, absolutely. And I think it's just recognizing that we do, we all set, this is like a human trait, I think. This is like the humanity of it all, is we all walk around feeling like we're not enough every single day. I mean, I don't know one person who is free from that thought process. And when, I think the freedom as an,
is when you can recognize like I'm setting this unrealist expectation, I'm in a comparison mode. Is this the thought that I want to be having? What would be a more supportive thought? This is a question that I ask coaching clients all the time is what would be a more supportive belief for you to choose around this particular topic or whatever it might be? You know, whether it's like regarding your health, your body, your career path and your success, your productivity, you know, like what is that?
belief that you're holding that's currently defining your perspective around that certain topic, and then what would be a more supportive thought that you could choose? And most people tell me, and where they have struggle is, that I don't feel like that right now. And what I would say is, yeah, you're not gonna feel like that right away, and it is gonna feel a little bit like imposter syndrome, because you don't feel like that, because you have to choose it.
You have to choose to feel like that. You have to choose to believe that about yourself. And you have to say it over and over again until you've memorized it and like reprogrammed your brain. You can probably rattle off all the negative things that you think about yourself in five seconds flat. Like if I were just to say, Meredith, tell me all the negative thoughts that you had about yourself yesterday. You would be able to just, and the reason why is because that's been programmed in your brain.
because you've said it so many times or you've heard it so many times that it's just part of your belief system now. It's just part of your, it's like embodied, it's ingrained in you. And in order for you to transition that and shift out of it, you have to reprogram this new choice, this new belief, this new thought process, this new expectation, this new definition into your body and into your mindset. And that's when you begin to shift. But in the beginning, it's going to feel fake.
It's gonna be like, that's fake news. I don't actually believe that about myself. But you will over time.
Meredith (24:42)
Yeah. Yeah. And I...
I will call out, I had the privilege of sitting in one of your goal planning sessions. And it was a course that you did out in the community and could be a whole nother topic for another day. But what I think that offered us an opportunity was to put words that we can put post somewhere and visualize that word and really visualize ourselves moving towards that vision, that goal. And what I would maybe share with others is if you're really struggling to mentally do all these things,
There's nothing wrong with tangibly putting a sticky note on your mirror every morning with a couple of choice words that I want to be happy or happiness or joy or whatever you're continuously putting an unrealistic expectation around. Write the opposite of that so that it is a mental trigger for you morning, noon and night, whenever you're in there. And I think that, you know, that's kind of unlocked for me as you were talking as...
Mishelle (25:38)
Mm -hmm.
Meredith (25:44)
an opportunity for someone to do that as hokey and you may still have that imposter syndrome or I'm not feeling that today but something as you're looking at that will flip a switch eventually will hype you up there could be a morning that you look at that you're like I really needed to see that or some quotes on I look at Pinterest a lot or even in my feeds and different social media where someone will have a quote that just hits me and I was like I really needed to see that today.
Mishelle (25:55)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah?
Meredith (26:12)
So really just whatever makes you happy and pours into you in a positive direction that breaks you out of the cycle of the unrealistic spiral. Because I spiral if it was like, if I can't sleep at night, then it's not usually positive talk. It will just continue to like, my gosh, I don't know. Did I send the right word of there, there and there in that email?
And it's just like, Meredith, that's so unrealistic for you at 2 a to think about something you said seven hours ago. Not controllable, not changeable right now. But that's unrealistic that that's how our minds shift to. So.
Mishelle (26:50)
Yeah, I love that idea of writing it down and putting it somewhere where you can see it because like you said, Meredith, you sometimes start your day with a positive quote or like a passage or something like that, but how powerful could it be if you had three to four really positive affirmation or declaration type statements?
new ones that you want to start believing about yourself. Like you don't believe that now, but you want to start believing that. And every morning, if you just read them out loud, can you imagine how that would change your life? I'm just think about that. I mean, I think I'm going to start doing that actually starting tomorrow. I may write down just like one or two things about like my current circumstances in my current life, because even right now I can tell you that I probably have some.
Meredith (27:29)
Yeah.
Mishelle (27:44)
unsupportive thoughts about my current circumstances. I have some unrealistic expectation about how the way I think my life should be in this moment right now today. And whatever thought I'm having about that is not helping me. Like, and it could be like, it's never gonna happen. Like that's one thing I think that comes up right now is like, it's never gonna happen. And,
Meredith (28:08)
Yeah.
Mishelle (28:10)
If I keep thinking it's never gonna happen, you wanna know what's gonna happen? It's never gonna happen. But if I switched it, like what if I switched it to I'm on my way or it will happen in time, everything will happen in time. And what if I read that to myself every morning? What if I started my whole day with everything will happen in time, everything will happen in time.
Meredith (28:15)
Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (28:37)
that will shift everything, like starting my day from thinking it's never gonna happen to everything will happen in time. Like, whoa, I could have a completely different outlook and perspective on everything in just that one like shift in mindset.
Meredith (28:45)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think that that's really the most powerful thing is just.
Mishelle (28:56)
Mm -hmm.
Meredith (29:01)
making sure you continuously flip the script all of the negative things to something either moving in positive momentum or that just again, lifts you up and changes the narrative of what you're giving yourself because I agree with you. That is, and I, your goal setting session is what really sparked that in me because I have it, it's here, it's in my office. And I was just like, what did I write? Like if I look at it and I remember half of it,
happiness was on there. And it was a different version of happiness than I have had the last year. And I really wanted to prioritize that this next year. And so it's like things of that nature of, okay, what makes me happy and really prioritizing just focusing on that.
Mishelle (29:31)
-huh.
I think my one encouragement is everything can change with one thought, with one change of perspective. So if you wanna get out of your spiral of negative thinking, that's the way that I would do it, for sure, 100%.
Meredith (30:03)
Yeah, I think the closing statement I would have, because I think we gave a lot of good opportunities for tips in there of what we could potentially practice and gave a good perspective. But I just want to share this as a closing statement. I think anybody who is listening is amazing. And you have achieved so much. And you mean so much to so many people that.
Mishelle (30:09)
Mm -hmm.
Meredith (30:24)
Don't continuously set yourself up with unrealistic expectations. Trying to understand yourself better to know where they come from is probably the first step. And then intentionally doing the opposite or addressing it and then moving in the opposite direction of that's not who I want to be. I embrace the positive side of this and I'm setting realistic expectations for this now.
and just practicing that, making it a daily habit. It's a muscle. You're gonna have to continue to work it out and grow it to make it stronger. So that's it. We're all working on it.
Mishelle (31:02)
So good. Yeah, we're all working on it. We're here. We're over here doing it too. So what a great, this one's been my favorite episodes. Love it. Love this conversation.
Meredith (31:11)
Yes, here we go. All right, well, as always, we're glad that you're here and want to hear more from you.
submit your burning questions to us at our website at girl life .com send us an email at hello at it girl life .com or always just connect with us on our social we'd love to hear from you and if you want to answer the icebreaker question or provide some comments on the topic that we had discussed we would absolutely love to hear from you bye