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Hi, friend! I'll keep this short and sweet, because ADHD!
Whether you're newly diagnosed or have known for a century, Overachievers Anonymous: ADHD Edition is the podcast for you. Join me and my guests as we explore the latest research, share personal stories, and provide actionable advice to help you live your best life with ADHD.
Welcome to the Outsmart, A DHD podcast. I'm your host, Jamie Catino, board certified occupational therapist. Two-time Ted Speaker, A DHD coach, A DHD, advocate and Reality Show, contestant. Now let's talk about A DH. D.
Hello, beautiful humans. How the heck are you doing today? I am so excited about today's topic, but before we get into it, I'm gonna remind you that in the show notes of this episode, there is a link where if you're interested in having me as your one-on-one, A DHD coach, you can sign up for a consultation and we can talk about.
How I can help you in your life. If you resonate with this episode, I am the best coach for you. I can say that very confidently. Also, in the show notes of this episode, there is a webinar. It's on demand. It's free. It's waiting for you, and it's called Before You Rage. Quit Your Job. Try this. Okay, now. As far as today's episode goes, I have a question for you.
Are you empathetic or poorly regulated? This is something that I see in almost all of my clients. I'm not sure if, even if it's almost always or if it's an always, but it's very common. It's this idea that kindness comes from being. Everybody's everything all of the time, even in the face of somebody being unkind to you.
An example of this can be having a partner who is just really not nice to you and feeling like you are. A good person because you're continuing to be supportive for them. You're continuing to try to help them be a better person. You're trying to be a problem solver for them. And you might even refer to yourself as, oh, I'm an empath because I do this.
I think that a healthy human is going to have some level of empathy. Levels of empathy and types of em. Empathy can be different, especially if you are an autistic individual. But for the most part, everybody has some sort of empathy. Now, what's not talked about is being a gaping wound and feeling like you have to be in savior mode all of the time for other people, and that's what I wanna get into today.
Now I have a question to ask you. Are you the type of person who would do anything for anybody but yourself? Let that sink in for a moment. Are you someone who is constantly saving the day, but you're not saving yourself?
I have some other questions for you. Is it possible for you to hold space for somebody else without needing to fix it? Think about it when a friend calls or your partner tells you, Hey, this is going on at work, or This is going on in my life, or I'm dealing with this illness. Are you able to just hold space to let that person be and experience what is going on?
Or do you feel the need to step in and save the day immediately? Save them from their feelings, and in turn, really trying to save yourself from the uncomfortable feelings because they are feeling uncomfortable feelings. The next question, do you put in more effort into fixing, fixing other people's problems than your own?
This is a problem. Are you someone who doesn't really focus on what's going on in your life, but you're really busy helping other people in theirs? Are you the appointed therapist of the group, but not the person that goes to others when they're needing support? Are you constantly there for your friend who keeps going back to that trash partner, but you haven't figured out how to create a workspace for yourself that's accommodating, or better yet, you haven't set boundaries in your own life that tells people how to treat you, yet you're giving other people advice on how to do it for themselves.
Do you put other people's wellbeing before your own? When somebody calls you or texts you that they're having a crisis, do you immediately go into savior mode or do you first check in with yourself and your capacity and the relationship with you have with that person to see if you even want to be the person to help them?
Because also healthy boundaries means sometimes saying no or knowing that they need more support than what you can give them. Do you feel a sense of urgency when someone else is going through a hard time? This goes back to what I mentioned, which is what, not being able to hold space for somebody going through a hard time because you feel like you have to immediately fix it.
This is something that I struggled with. I wanted to immediately take the pain out of somebody's hands. I think this can be a feeling that happens out of love when I see somebody that I care about going through stuff. I don't want them going through a really hard time, but here's something that happens.
There are things that just happen in life and they're really shitty. Like somebody passing away, somebody getting a chronic illness, somebody being let go of their job. These things suck and sometimes they have almost zero control over it happening and wanting to be there for them through it is so normal.
There are other things though, like somebody complaining about the job they have, but not putting out one application, going back to a partner that doesn't treat them well.
There are things that are within somebody's control that they may have no interest in helping themselves to figure out what the solution to it is. And here is the thing,
if you are not able to sit with that person and just let them have their moment. You feel like you need to go into savior mode, it is a cue for you to know that you need better boundaries with this person.
And let's take the situation of somebody who is going through something that.
There's nothing they could really do about it, like somebody in their life passed away or they lost a job just because of budget cuts immediately going into savior mode will take away the moment that they might need to process that emotion. So here's the thing, immediately jumping into savior mode is not going to make, is not going to let the uncomfortable moment allow them to decide what their solution is.
If it is something in their control, and if it is something out of their control, it's not gonna allow them for the moment to just be able to process it. So that is a cue from you. That there's nothing really for you to do in those moments other than to either hold space or uphold a boundary, and both of those ways are completely ethical in how you can handle those different situations.
But here's the thing, if you need somebody else to feel okay in order for you to feel okay, that is codependence.
You have to be able to allow somebody else to not be okay while giving yourself what you need to be able to regulate. Reminding yourself that you are safe in that moment. If something happens that you are not safe in that moment, then absolutely by all means, you have to do what you need to do to be safe.
Seek the resources that you need to get out of the environment that you are in. If you are in. An abusive relationship, but for those of you who are not,
this is who the episode is made for.
I struggled with this with my partner. I had a really hard time when he was going through a lot of really heavy things like I had mentioned on this podcast. I've not been shy about it The last year or so. We have been through a lot and there were moments where he was not okay and I was okay or vice versa, and we had to learn to allow each other to not be okay independently.
And that allowed for the space to figure out what we needed to do for ourselves, what we needed to do to come together to solve problems as a couple. But needing somebody else to be okay in order for you to be okay is a codependent behavior. I do not say this as, Hey, listen, this is another thing that you're doing wrong, but if you're always jumping into savior mode.
This is a cue that you have a lot to work on. Internally, there is something that person is saying that is making you uncomfortable. It might be triggering something that you need to work on, something from your past. You may just feel very uncomfortable with negative emotions or with things being outside of your control, because when you were younger, things being outside of your control meant you weren't safe.
This is something that I have had to work through. It's something that I have to continue to work through. It's what allows me to be a really good coach for other people is that people are allowed, or the people that hire me is their coach, are able to show up to a session and talk about what's going on in their life.
Without me feeling like I need to immediately solve the problem for them. 'cause my job isn't to solve the problem for you. It's to help you to understand that you have all the tools that you need to solve that problem. And if you don't, to help you with those tools, very different feeling, very different vibe than, oh my gosh, don't tell me about what's going on.
And if you do, I need to solve it immediately. Does that make sense? I hope so. Now, what is this caused by this immediately or this immediate reaction of I need to step in and save the day? Sometimes this trauma induced hyper vigilance. For those of you who grew up in an unsafe atmosphere, maybe you were in an unsafe relationship.
You learned that. People around you being upset meant that you could be hurt either emotionally, physically, financially. This is a learned behavior. It is not something that you tried to do. You did not try to learn this pattern. Sometimes it is rooted in a survival mechanism, but the thing is, in order to do really well in life, you can't stay in that survival mechanism.
That is where. You need deep healing and some deconstructing and oftentimes professional help to help you through that so that it's not a continued trauma response.
This can also be tied into poor emotional regulation, which makes everything feel like an emergency. Having a DHD means that you're already going to struggle more with emotional regulation.
Poor emotional regulation is not gonna make things not feel good when people come to you with their problems because you're not gonna know how to regulate.
And the last one, like I touched on, is Codependence, which is needing everyone else to feel okay for you to feel okay. These. Are the backstory behind this behavior, the savior mode behavior. You're not a bad person if you do this. This is something I struggled with for a long time before getting the right help that I needed through therapy, through coaching, honestly, a lot through coaching.
Shout out to Lauren. You've been fucking great, but this is something that you're not a moral failing, and it also doesn't mean that you can't break this behavior.
So what the heck do you do about it? Step one is to be very honest with yourself that this is happening. When you are in a conversation with somebody and you find yourself feeling icky during it, ask yourself, am I feeling icky? Because I feel like I'm not safe. Is this making me feel like I need to change the situation immediately?
There is a difference between wanting boundaries with somebody because they are just someone who has no interest in helping themselves, and therefore your emotional, mental, physical currency would be best spent in other relationships or with yourself versus.
Wanting to talk to that person or save the day for them because it makes you feel more comfortable. One is a maladaptive response. The other one is a healthy response, and it also. You can recognize that this is happening, that you are feeling that you need to save somebody that you're feeling triggered.
And then choose the healthier response, which is more boundaries. When you're in this healing phase, you are likely going to need more boundaries. When you're doing deep healing work, you are going to need more boundaries around your friends, around your family, even around your deep connections, because so much of your energy and your focus is going internally to heal those wounds that you have not yet healed.
And that is perfectly okay. It is normal. It is part of the healing process. You don't need to be a bleeding wound all over other people. It's okay to have that process internally and just turn to the few people that you feel safe with. Alright, now step two is to be equally kind to yourself and take responsibility.
Doing more of one than the other is going to result in not so great outcomes. If you are, if you only take responsibility for this behavior.
It can be really easy to fall into the, oh my gosh, this is an another thing that I'm doing terribly wrong. Now, if you're just kind to yourself and saying, oh, I understand what, why this is happening, because all of these things happen to me and therefore X, Y, Z, it takes both. Be kind and compassionate to yourself while taking responsibility, because the melding of the two is what creates a beautiful environment for healing to happen.
It takes radical responsibility for what has happened in your life, or not what has happened, but how you choose to respond to it. And kindness. To know that a lot of things happened to you that you did not choose, and the melding of the two will allow you to. Make progress towards this. Now, step three is to look at your daily habits in your life.
Are you the go-to friend that drops everything and tens to their needs? Step three is to start recognizing when is this happening? Is this happening in my life? And that's all you have to do for step three is just recognize that it's happening. And the little things that you're doing in your life to continue the cycle.
Who are you speaking with on a daily basis? How are you feeling when you are around them? Are you able to regulate? Are you able to be a good friend? Because being a good friend also means being able to hold space for somebody else's emotions without feeling like you have to fix it. We all know how it feels to just need to vent to somebody and even just allow for.
That space so that they have what the time and the space that they need to solve their own issues versus telling them what they need. There's nothing more irritating than someone telling you what you need to do when you already know what you need to do, or you just need the space so that you come to that conclusion.
So ask yourself, what does my daily life look like with my relationships? Am I a good friend? Am I a healthy friend? Is a better question. Am I a healthy friend?
Now step four, after you have looked at your daily life and your friendships allow for the momentary discomfort of other people having emotions without saving them. This is the hardest part. This is the hardest part, and this is where so much deep healing is going to happen because this practice. Of allowing for other people to have discomfort without saving them.
Building on that practice is what is going to stop this response, this automatic response, what feels like an automatic response right now? That is what's going to solve, what's what, blah. That is what is going to stop it.
And be honest with yourself. If you're currently not in the part of your healing process where you can have much exposure to other people having issues without feeling like you need to save them, that is just a cue to do some more internal work before you are on that step. Now step five is a set boundaries with those who you have a hard time.
SA not saving while doing your own deep work. As I mentioned before, this response is a sign that you have your own deep healing and deconstructing to do. I highly recommend that you find a skilled coach or a skilled therapist if this is. Something pervasive in your life if you are feeling like you have to save everybody.
If you are feeling like your moral compass depends on how much you are there for other people, without taking into consideration yourself first, that is a problem that is solvable and you are not hopeless. I was there before all my clients who've been there before. And if you're listening to this podcast, it means that you are not somebody who likes to just bitch about your problems.
You are someone who likes to do something about them. So if this is something that you're struggling with in your life, I highly recommend that you go to this show, notes of this podcast. Click the link that says that. Click the link for. Signing up for a consultation with myself regarding one-on-one A DHD coaching.
I would love to help you through this. Also, again, in the show notes is a link to the webinar on demand. It's free call before your age. Quit your job. Try this. If you are burnt out in your job, not knowing what the fuck to do other than feeling like you wanna walk out with your middle fingers in the air.
This is for you. It is short. It's about 20 minutes, and if you played it two times a speed, it'll be about 10. And lastly, if you could take a moment to rate and review this podcast, I will personally thank every single person that leaves a five star review on Apple Podcast. It's a kind thing to do for me, but it's also a kind thing to do for other people so that the algorithm will push out the podcast to more people and there'll be more people getting this information for free, whereas they wouldn't have otherwise.
All right, my friends. That's it for next week. I will talk to you next time. Bye now.
Are you a high achieving woman with a DHD looking for a coach or maybe an event coordinator looking for a wildly captivating speaker? Perfect. Go to outsmart adhd.co. That's out. Smart adh adhd.co to get in touch. And before I forget, would you mind taking a minute to share this podcast with someone you love?
It would mean the world to me. Thanks, my friend. Until next time.