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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast,
Speaker 2:a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:This episode has a heavy trigger warning with discussion about hospitalization, relationships, memories, suicide, and feelings of hopelessness. While on the surface, it may be a very dark episode. It is an absolutely critical part of our journey that we look at the depths of these feelings and feel every bit of them. It is part of seeing what we see and knowing what we know. And not denying any part of ourselves or any part of our experience and even part of keeping ourselves safe.
Speaker 1:That's why we decided to go ahead and include it. But as always, please care for yourself during and after listening to this episode, and feel free to skip it if you're not in a good place. Thank you. My throat is raw, and my eyes are swollen, and my face is hot, and I feel so tired because I've been crying for days and weeks and now I've been out of the hospital again, which everybody knows because my husband accidentally told my friend and because we referenced it on the podcast. So that's not a secret anymore.
Speaker 1:How hard we fought for our lives this year and how humiliating it is That I'm not any better at it. That we can't get it right. And that everybody thinks there's something wrong with us. When all that's wrong, as that we're alone. But you're not allowed to say that because it sounds ungrateful to the people who have tried, even though they're just far away or have their own lives or children like us.
Speaker 1:But I'm left here in a world where safe is not where I thought it was and I've been played the fool for thinking it could be It's violating somehow like a betrayal. And now my shame is greater and deeper when my one valiant effort has ended in such disaster all over the place. And all of it landmines from the past. Lessons learned I'd promised to apply in the future, but now here I am in a tangled mess I can't escape. All of it blending in a world where there is no time.
Speaker 1:So I'm like a fly caught in a web, and the harder I try to untangle myself, the more wrapped up I get. And I'm losing my mind because of it. But I had to find words for it or they weren't going to let me come home. And God knows I can't stay there. When I was 17, and living with the therapist, the one who took me home, And the English teacher was there, so many nights and all the weekends, and they slept together in the same bed.
Speaker 1:They were not a couple, but it confused me and it scared me because I didn't understand any of those things. And back then, like now, I wouldn't let anybody touch me. And I didn't understand. And I was worried they were in danger, both of them. I felt protective of the therapist who was supposed to be my mum, but wasn't.
Speaker 1:Because I could feel something was wrong with the English teacher, and I was worried the therapist was going to get hurt. And I was worried about the English teacher, because why was she in bed with the therapist? Our therapist. And I didn't want to know. But also, it wasn't like that and there wasn't anything to know.
Speaker 1:But still, coming from where I came from, where everything was so warped and twisted, I was just confused. And even if all of it was good and innocent and loving, I didn't understand it because it wasn't something I'd ever had before. But then, right as I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, that's when the English teacher left and sued the therapist. And so then both of them were hurt, and I was cut in the middle, both sides of court asking me to testify as if I hadn't already been through that in fifth grade when my parents got divorced. Sixth grade.
Speaker 1:When things got ugly. And the psychiatrist said, what was that about when things got ugly? Can you think about that? And he tries some wavy hand magic. As if the hospital's got the power to hypnotise the heming out of me.
Speaker 1:Or as if EMDR could be a quick fix. Enough to get me through the rest of the pandemic. Maybe I wanted it to work, But I can't tell him that stuff, can I? And so it's just there, floating in my throat, what happened back then. That reminded me of before.
Speaker 1:That reminds me of now. And if it's all happening at once, how am I ever supposed to tell the difference in time? And I've decided, I think they're making it up. Time's not real. SAFE's not real.
Speaker 1:DID's not real. I'm not real. And even without meaning to, I can feel the walls go up, and I can feel my eyes staring but I can't make them move. And he's trying to talk to me, and I can hear him a hundred miles away. But it's like when my batteries go out and I see their mouths moving, but they've got no sound.
Speaker 1:And I don't know where I went. But later, I saw him move and push a button on his diffuser to spray peppermint oil in that air because he knows about the podcast, and he thought it would help because we talked about it before. But it only makes me nauseous because those memories hurt back when peppermints were safe. And so I threw up right there in his office, all over his floor, Because peppermints aren't real either. Anna blinked my eyes, and suddenly I was in group, hiding behind my mask as if I didn't wear them inside anyway.
Speaker 1:And somebody was talking about love and what it means to them. And they were talking about a date And I know we've got the husband, and that he's safe, and that he's here, and that he's what we've chosen, and I know we stand by that. But I remembered in the past, right after graduate school, there was someone interested in me, they said, and I thought I might be interested in them, maybe. And we went on a few dates. But then for our date, we went on a race at five k and met friends for breakfast because I was social then.
Speaker 1:Sometime in the past when all there was was distracting and a lot of alcohol to forget the rest. But to have breakfast, when my date got up to leave the table for a minute, They started telling stories about how all of them had slept with my date, That my date was someone who liked to conquer everybody, and I was nauseous that day too because I didn't want to be conquered, did I? I didn't date them anymore. All my other dates were drunks, alcoholics, mean to me at night, but I did no different, did I, after the way I grew up? So I thought it was how it was done, and when I learned that's not true, then the next person I wanted to date, I declined.
Speaker 1:Because I thought if I really loved them, then I would spare them the experience of myself. To make sure that I never abused them or hurt them or bothered them, I stayed away. And that's what's happened now. Not romantic love, but I mean caring enough to stay out of it and to stay away and to let my friends be who they are without me getting in the way. And I blinked my eyes again in group, and there I was back in the psychiatrist's office, still talking, talking again, talking still, and I thought, why can't I shut my mouth?
Speaker 1:Who is he? He knows nothing. I don't know him. I'm an assignment, a project, the case file of the day. I don't want to be there.
Speaker 1:He doesn't want to listen to me. Why am I talking? But then I remembered, it's the only way out. And so I told him, I don't know what the problem is. And he tried to talk about trauma and about attachment.
Speaker 1:And I told him I knew all about both. I've lived every trauma you can imagine almost, and I don't need any more of it, and talking about it's not going to help. And the ones you know can't come out anymore. And he said, Why not? What will happen if they come out?
Speaker 1:And I said, it's not an option, and I'm not here to argue with you.' They got too attached, that's what happened. They started to feel safe, that's what happened. They started to talk, that's what happened. And a lot of good that did me, didn't it? And attachment is exactly the problem and regulating it.
Speaker 1:Because when I think it's mine, it turns out it's not like the footprints. And when I think I'm chosen, finally, when I never was, it turns out this should be a project. And I'm not a project, I'm a person. And when there is someone who's real and cares for real and lets me try, Then I can't tolerate it, can I? So I still can't win.
Speaker 1:And we had to talk about the birthday party. And I said, listen, nobody did anything wrong. All of that's on me. I just couldn't handle it. I'm sorry about the bottle of morphine.
Speaker 1:He said there's no what you did this time and I'm concerned about it escalating And you could stay here and we could help keep you safe and get you a little stabilized. I said I don't need to be a little stabilized, do I? I need to be a lot stabilized, don't I? And what good is that going to do me to stay a bunch of weeks here and get attached to you and then have to leave? Nothing.
Speaker 1:It does me no good at all, does it? You have to put somebody on your safety plan, he says. And who are you going to be talking to? It's not any of his business, is it? And then I remembered what the English teacher said about how you don't have anybody who knows everything.
Speaker 1:And maybe she was right after all, because I had to give away the therapist, give her back like a present, like the footprints that were never mine. And I don't want to be a project. And my friend has enough of her own worries. And I don't need all of them just talking about it, but nobody talking to me. It's not helpful.
Speaker 1:If people talk to me instead of about me, I wouldn't be alone, would I? But I've got friends who understand DID, so maybe I ought to talk to them more instead of not. I thought I could be better, I thought I could beat this. But I was not designed for wholeness. But my failure to be so is because of what my parents did is not my fault and is not my sin.
Speaker 1:And I won't have anybody saying so. And I put down my far away friends because we have meetings with appointments so at least I get to see them. And everyone else is drowning in the pandemic just as much as me and their own children and homeschooling and husbands who struggle. So I filtered out enough to get my past to come home. But I wasn't very cooperative and I wasn't very pleasant.
Speaker 1:So now they think I'm a bad person, so that's just more shame, isn't it? But I'm not a bad person. I'm a tired person. And they said my therapist doesn't know enough about DID and I've got to get another one. So here I am, the same place I was a year ago, looking for a new therapist, changing therapist once again.
Speaker 1:And I don't know how it will go. I don't know what to say. I can't start over again. I'm not a cat. I don't know how many lives I've got.
Speaker 1:I don't know how many do overs you can have in a game. And I don't know anymore how to tell the difference between things have really been this hard, and I'm just beyond help. And he said, you're still here, that's something, that's growth, and I wanted to slap him. I didn't because I didn't want to stay there, did I? But I felt like it, because what does he know?
Speaker 1:And I looked him in the eyes and I said, I'm here because they did CPR, didn't they? It's not the same as choosing.' And I swung my foot out and kicked, not at him, but at my file he was holding. And I said, it says disrupted suicide. That means they stopped it, not that I chose differently. Stop telling me about my choice.
Speaker 1:You don't know what my choices are. You don't know what I've had a choice in or what I've not had a choice in. I'm tired of hearing it. And if you're not going to let me die, then send me home with the rest of my family where I cannot live with him. I don't want to die.
Speaker 1:It was never about wanting to die, it has nothing to do with it. And all of this is only more humiliating. And because we were there, we had to be in quarantine again in the house. And I was trying to pass the time and so we read the emails for the podcast. And Kim wrote about missing the others from the other circle.
Speaker 1:Well you know what, I miss them too. But it's not safe is it? The psychiatrist said, Why don't we just build a bridge so you can go there when you want and they can come here when they want, and everybody has access. And I said, listen, you don't get inside, nobody gets inside. I know what you're trying to do.
Speaker 1:I know how that works now and I'm not consenting to it. Because this is where we're at and nothing changes until somebody listens to me and says they hear and they understand that it really is that bad, so stop trying to dissociate for me. We've worked for years to learn how to feel, so stop telling me to stop. Let me feel it, it's mine. I lived through it, I worked for it, I learned how to sit with it, let me at it.
Speaker 1:Stop trying to make it better because it makes you one of them when you lie about it and say it's not so big. Because it was big and when you say it's not so bad because it was bad. You have no idea how bad it was And I am still soaking it in. So don't wring me out yet because every bit of this is mine. And don't tell me how strong and good I am and how much I've grown.
Speaker 1:Or give them credit for it, because it's my work. I've done this. We've done this. It's ours, not yours. And stop thinking I'm the bad one for leaving them there.
Speaker 1:They're not in a bad place. They think they're still in her office with their backpack of toys and all the paints. When we still had notebooks and could write for hours. They're fine. Don't hurt them by telling them the office isn't even there anymore.
Speaker 1:Don't bring them out where we can't write or express ourselves or have time to play because there's a pandemic and outside children need help and we don't have support like we did before. If we can't handle it and can't regulate it and can't manage it, it's not the time to push it and I promise I'm right in this. And I agree it maybe only is a season but for right now I will hold my ground. And I don't know what happens next and it's not my fault the earth is slipping away beneath my feet. I can't hold on much longer.
Speaker 1:But I've tried to get help in the ways I could, haven't I? It's not like I've not tried. I've tried hard in a hundred ways, and the ways that have worked are the only reason we're still alive. And the ways that have not worked, I'm not trying anymore. I can't do it anymore.
Speaker 1:There's no more room for that hurt, for more pain, for more shame. I'm done. I've got nothing left. And I don't know what to do with it all. I can't build a bridge because it would hurt them to feel how hard things are right now, and because it would hurt me to feel how good things almost were.
Speaker 1:That's why. So what do you want to do with that, Doctor Mann? That's what I said to him.
Speaker 3:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemsspeak.com. We'll see you there.