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Parenting teens can be hard. Parenting teens who are in crisis is even more complicated. You were never meant to walk through this alone.
Welcome to Through the Hard - Parenting Teens in Crisis, a twice-monthly podcast presented by Pathways to Hope Network.
Join us for honest conversations that drive out shame and show us how to navigate the emotions and uncertainty of parenting teens through crisis.
(00:00:02) - Parenting teens is hard. Parenting teens in crisis is even harder. And we live in a culture that is really good at hiding. You know, we keep these struggles tucked in real tight around us. And so when something happens in our families, that's tough and maybe even a little embarrassing, we feel like we're all alone. I promise you that you're not alone. But you definitely need a place where you can be a part of honest conversations that give a voice to the challenges you're facing. A place that normalizes the hard that we have to walk through with our teenagers. So I'm inviting you to join us on this path towards Healing, where we'll discuss topics that drive out shame and teach us how to navigate the emotions and uncertainty that come with parenting a teenager facing the juvenile court system. This twice monthly podcast is presented by Pathways to Hope Network and we strive to do all of that while honoring the unyielding love a mother has for her child. Something happens when our teens are making their way through the hard.
(00:01:26) - There's a shift that takes place. A heaviness that finds its way into us and decides it's going to settle in and stay for a while. We felt it before it's made its appearance during every high fever our child had as a toddler. Their first day of school. It came in for short visits when report cards showed less than favorable grades or those standardized tests showed they were coming in below the district average or even when they were having trouble making friends. It's definitely not a stranger. This heaviness has been around ever since the day we learned our child was to be ours. And it has a name. Fear. But something is different about this visit, isn't it? Fear isn't just an occasional unwanted houseguest coming over unannounced anymore. No, It seems as though fear walked through the door of our heart. But this time he came with luggage. He didn't just bring his toothbrush. He brought his favorite coffee mug because his intention is to stay a while. And he's a pest. He's a freeloading, non contributing strife stirring pest who not only came over without an invitation, but he walked in like he owns the place.
(00:02:53) - Seamlessly, he started to dictate how you should respond to what's going on in your family. And he's been relentless. He's definitely not coming to offer suggestions. He's pushy and demanding. And as hard as it is to hear this, he has become your ruler. See, he convinces you that he knows best. And pretty soon we're looking to him to give us instructions on what to do next, on what the Nextrillionight move is. And that's because our instinct, when we are gripped by fear, is motivated by a desire and a need to control everything. And the reason for that is because fear makes us believe that everything is our responsibility. Of course it is, he says. Well, you're the parent, right? If my child is making bad choices, then obviously I can't rely on their intellect to pull them out of the situation they're in. It has to be me that comes up with the solution. And just like that, I slide into the driver's seat, which is not a horrible decision in the best of circumstances, but it's not the best of circumstances.
(00:04:12) - I'm not in the best of circumstances. I'm in a state of panic because as I grip the steering wheel for dear life and desperately try to focus on where my next turn will be, fear is breathing every horrible possible outcome down my neck. I'm not able to think clearly because fear is wreaking havoc on my nervous system. So the story that we believe is that we are the parent. And so it's our responsibility to fix this, to fix everything. And we end up spinning our wheels, stuck in this perpetual state of stress over trying to come up with the answer because not having an answer. Not having an answer feels like failure, right? It doesn't feel good to say I don't know what to do next or I don't have the answers. It feels like we failed as a parent. It feels like we're failing our children. And it also plays into our concerns about what others think of us. That's the tricky part about this season with your teen or maybe even your adult children, no matter what we choose or decide.
(00:05:23) - It never feels like the right decision. Have you noticed that there is always some well-meaning friend, family member, probation counselor, therapist, pastor, podcast host offering you advice on how you should handle this issue. Well, you need to set more boundaries or, you know, you need to back off a little and just give them some grace. No, you need to be more stern. You need to be more compassionate. You need to remember what it was like when you were a kid. You need to go to counseling. You need to pray more. There's no shortage of advice. And mostly we're grateful for it. Right? I mean, I'm always open to someone sharing what they see in me that I may be blind to. But the problem is that when fear is your ruler, you spin through each one of those suggestions so quickly, all while you're hoping that maybe this will be the magic spell that will make this all go away. And all the while you feel incompetent. And to use the metaphor that one of our mamas came up with, you're throwing darts at a dart board, but nothing seems to stick.
(00:06:49) - And perhaps, just perhaps nothing is sticking because it's not ours. It's not ours to fix, but fear has us believing that it is. And so, with tired, dirty, bloodied hands, we continue to claw through the dirt, searching for anything at all that we might be able to grab onto, even the tiniest of ledges that we might be able to grip by the very tips of our fingers in order to buy ourselves a little more time. Because deep inside us. We already know that is the solution. Time. Time is what gives us the opportunity to grow and change. Time is what is necessary for us and them to learn from their experiences. It's only through time that we grow stronger and more resilient. It's only with time that we learn to cope with difficult emotions and difficult circumstances. But time requires us to release control. And man, do we find comfort in our ability to control. See, we feel like as long as we're in control, then we're safe. And when we are in a situation where all of a sudden we have no control.
(00:08:20) - Then that feeling of safety slips right between our fingertips. And as we feel it's slipping away, sliding out between the spaces in our fingers, our anxiety increases. And as we slowly lose grip, panic rises. And I think that's something that you should just stop and chew on for a minute. The next question I'm about to ask you is a really powerful question to consider. Are you ready for it? All right, here it is. Why do you need to be in control in order to feel safe? Seriously, I'd like for you to stop and think about that for just a moment. I'm going to ask you the question again, and this time I'm going to give you about 20s to stop and consider it. Why do I need to be in control? In order to feel safe. Friend. Safety is an illusion. Safety is a mindset that we choose to believe. We are never really in control. We just believe we are. And so we allow ourselves to believe that we are safe.
(00:09:52) - And I know that more than anything, your desire is for your family to be safe, for your child to be safe. But safety has to come from somewhere else. And I believe that these situations with our children are exactly the situations that teach us that lesson. I once heard that in order to truly heal and move past the hurt and the heartache of our lives, we have to begin thinking about our experiences as a whole. Not just fragments of things happening to us, but a beginning and an end that serves a purpose. A purpose that results in good. That in every suffering we experience, there is an opportunity. See, when we begin to shift away from striving for control. And allowing fear to rule us and viewing this experience as something that's happening to us. And instead we start to look for ways that this same hard may actually be something that is happening for us. The entire trajectory of what the rest of our path looks like begins to shift. What could we pursue in the middle of this mess that might somehow justify our suffering? This is not just about your child.
(00:11:29) - This is about you. This is about your journey and who you are in the process of becoming. And I believe that it starts by asking ourselves, What are we so afraid of? What is the thought that is keeping us up? What is the thought that is keeping us in this constant state of stress, panic and anxiety? What theory in our mind is the anchor tethering us to the Depression? What is the assumption we are making that is consuming us? What is the idea that is interjecting itself into our relationship with our child in between the bond with our spouse? What belief is behind every obstacle we encounter? See, we have to be brave enough to look at it. There's a term I use in coaching called Pulling the Thread. You may have heard it before, and it means to investigate or delve into something a little deeper. Have you ever had a piece of clothing that had a small snag in it? And when you see that tiny thread, the first thing you usually want to do is just give it a little tug.
(00:12:42) - Now, I have strong memories of my mama telling me never to do that. But in this case, it's not only appropriate, it's encouraged. See, once you start to pull on that thread, it starts to unravel. And that's exactly what we need to do with our fear. We need to start to pick it apart. We need to take that little edge that we see that's poking out and we need to slowly tug at it and see where it's leading. Why are we so afraid? What is that thing that's at the end of this? You know, most of the time it's our worst case scenario, right? It's our biggest fear. What am I so afraid of? I'm afraid we're going to lose our child. I'm afraid my daughter is going to get pregnant. I'm afraid my son is never going to be free of addiction. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my relationship with my child. I'm afraid that they hate me. We take the time to figure it out and we see that situation for what it is.
(00:13:52) - A story. It's a story we are telling ourselves, friend. It's a story authored by the most aggravating houseguest in the world. It's a story he has whispered into our ear every day since this journey began and that we've decided to come to an agreement with. Do you know what that means to come to agreement in something? An agreement is when two parties make a formal decision about future action. And that's exactly what happens. Fear comes in. Starts slowly filling our mind with all these stories of what might happen. And before you know it, he takes over and he starts running the show. Every choice you make becomes ruled by him. And I would like you to just stop for a moment and think about some of the decisions you've made from a place of fear. Think about some of the interactions you've had with your child when you were in a state of fear. In an article about the impact of fear and anxiety that I found online, It says Fear can interrupt processes in our brain that allow us to regulate emotions, to read nonverbal cues and other information presented to us to reflect before acting.
(00:15:20) - And to act ethically. Fear impacts our thinking and decision making in negative ways, leaving us susceptible to intense emotions and impulsive reactions. Friends, this is not what we want ruling our decisions. So what do we do with this menacing houseguest who seems to have taken over control of our heart and mind? We call in reinforcements. Yep. He's been squatting for far too long and we're about to take back our residence. But to do that, you need people. And not just any people. People who love you, who care about you, who are removed enough from the situation that they are not ruled by the same fear. You need people willing to step in, flip the light on and expose fear for what he is a liar. A liar whose story we will no longer take at face value. So here's your next step. First, take a deep breath. Second head over to our events page on our website to sign up for an upcoming four week online workshop that will be covering four foundation principles that will help you get the EFF out so you can stop operating from a space of panic and chaos and start more consistently staying in a place of calm.
(00:17:02) - Doesn't that sound nice? Now, listen, there have been many times that I've been listening to a podcast and I get to the end. And to be truthful, I'm always just a little disappointed to hear a sales pitch. I want to assure you that this workshop is in no way about getting financial resources. In fact, I've never received any monetary compensation for the work that I do with parents or on this podcast. This truly is a calling on my heart to just love on you and walk beside you during this time of healing. And if I can take this hard and somehow make it a little easier, well, then that's more than I could ever ask for. When registering, there will be an option to make a donation. But the donation supports our program as a whole and allows us to bring these conversations to other parents just like us. Since we're a non-profit, donations made will be tax deductible and they are always appreciated. But again, they're never expected it simply pays it forward to the parents coming behind you.
(00:18:13) - Listen, I know it's scary to walk into something new. And I know that as you hear about this workshop, fear is going to have plenty to say because he knows his time is running out. Be brave. Do this for your family. Do this for you. Throw a dart on the dart board. That will actually stick. The website will have some information available on the workshop, but if you have any questions, feel free to email me. All of this information is going to be in the show notes below. I cannot wait to finally have the opportunity to see all of your brave faces next month. Remember, in order to truly heal and move past the hurts and heartaches of your life, you have to begin thinking about your experiences as a whole. Not just fragments of things happening to you, but a beginning and an end that serves a purpose. A purpose that results in good. That in every suffering you experience, my friend, there is an opportunity. Because when you begin to shift away from striving for control and viewing this experience as something happening to you.
(00:19:33) - Because when you begin to shift away from striving for control and viewing this experience as something that's happening to you. And start to look for ways that this same hard may actually be something that is happening for you, for your child, for your family. The entire trajectory of what the rest of your path looks like will begin to shift. What will you pursue in the middle of this mess that might somehow justify your suffering? Okay, friends. Well, that wraps it up for this week. I really hope that you found this information helpful and that it served you in some way today in complete transparency, I want you to know that I am not in any way, shape or form an expert in the field of parenting. No, you're not going to find any fancy initials after this name. In fact, you know, I'm just a mom like you who had to navigate some really tough experiences with my teenage kids and in my own desperate need for hope and healing in my family and in my life. I've spent a lot of time and energy researching and referencing all the things.
(00:20:59) - Because if there is one thing I have learned, it's that we're stronger together. Your ratings and reviews mean so much. In fact, they can make or break a podcast. So if you found this information helpful today, would you take 60s to subscribe rate and review? It would mean so much to the mama who hasn't found us yet and to me. Oh, and don't forget to check out Pathways to Hope Network's website and be sure to subscribe. Each week we send out 1 to 2 messages that are designed to encourage and equip you as you find your path towards hope and healing. You can also find us on Facebook and Instagram. Pathways to Hope Network is a nonprofit organization with a mission to serve families with children in the juvenile court system. And we do that by providing cost free support, resources and community. The link will always be in the show notes below. Remember, you were never meant to go through this alone.