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Sex education and sexual interest don’t end at a certain age. Melanie Ramey is here not only to debunk myths about sexuality, sexual involvement, and connection later in life but to shed light on sexual information for all ages. This podcast will answer the questions that were never properly answered in health class and address the sex information we need but are too reluctant to discuss. Join Melanie for frank discussions about bodies, sexual health, desire, and age, with honesty and humor.
Narrator: [00:00:01] Using a wheelchair, experiencing chronic pain, or suffering from some other disability doesn't negate one's sexuality. In fact, myths regarding this area can make life even more challenging for those who have too much to handle already. Welcome to the Sexually Speaking podcast with sex educator and therapist Melanie Ramey.
Melanie Ramey: [00:00:27] Hello and welcome! This is my second podcast focusing on sexuality of people with disabilities. And as we always emphasize, we are all human sexual beings from the day we're born till the day we die. In their excellent book on sex and Disability, Kaufmann, Silverberg and Odette cover the idea not only of people with disabilities, but those with chronic pain and illness in terms of their sexuality. I highly recommend this book and I will put it as a resource on the Facebook page. If people with these kinds of conditions didn't have enough to cope with, then they must also cope with several myths about their sexuality. Let's be sure we understand we're on the same page here. A myth is a belief about something that is not true. It has no basis in fact. And yet people believe things when they never check out to find out what the facts actually are. So I want to talk about some of the myths that people with disabilities have to deal with in terms of their sexuality. And one of the first things is that people living with disabilities and chronic pain are really not sexual. Now, most of this is based on the fact that many people who are not disabled think that they are basically created differently. They actually think that there is some innate difference between people who are disabled and people who are not.
Melanie Ramey: [00:02:18] Because people with disabilities often need help with their daily functioning, they are often even seen as being like children. People in wheelchairs often have to endure being patted on the head like a child. And so thus the idea that if people are childlike, they really aren't sexual beings. A second myth is that people living with disabilities or chronic pain are not desirable. So how can they be sexual? Now the society norm for everyone is for women to be young and beautiful, and for the men to be studs. Anything less is really not acceptable, especially if one might need to take extra time or have assistance to give or receive sexual pleasure. And then they certainly could not be considered desirable. Now, most of the people listening to this podcast are probably not going to fall into the category that the society has, because there are very few people, certainly nobody's eternally young, and nobody's eternally a stud. So, you know, sooner or later you would all fall into the category. So to think that some people, just because they don't look a certain way or act a certain way, are undesirable is absolutely ridiculous. A third concept about sexuality and disability is that, well, they can't really be sexual because sex must be spontaneous. Who said? Where is that written down? Virtually all sexual experiences are a process of communication on several levels.
Melanie Ramey: [00:04:19] This can be with words, with looks, perhaps special music or toys, all things that usually require some planning and take some time. And then another kind of myth is that people with disabilities or chronic pain can't have real sex. Well, what is that? What is real sex? I suppose if you've gotten your sex education from going to movies or watching television, you probably have the idea that it's a linear kind of process, that it goes from fondling to kissing to sexual intercourse and orgasm, and that's it. Well, that's not it. The bottom line, actually, is if you have a mouth and hands, you can give and receive sexual pleasure. It seems to have been a common idea passed along is that also masturbation is not sex. Now, this is a very interesting and I'm not sure where it comes from. I suspect it comes from some ancient religious belief that sexual intercourse, sexual pleasure should only be for procreation. And so the idea also is that the only people who masturbate are people who can't find anybody to be with them, and that it's also sin. So this whole idea that masturbation is a sinful thing and is a bad thing goes back to, I think, an ancient idea like that. But historically based on ignorance. Also, children are often told that masturbation will make you go insane and make your hair fall out and all manner of other kinds of things.
Melanie Ramey: [00:06:35] The truth is, and it's been well established that all people, regardless of gender orientation, whether they're single, whether they're partnered or whatever, masturbate. How consenting adults give and get pleasure sexually is up to them. Parents should get a grip and stop wasting energy on the real or imagined behaviors of their children and telling them that they're going to go insane if they masturbate. It's an act that you do in private, if people do, but it's a pleasurable thing and it's not a sin, and it will not make your hair fall out. Another myth is that people in who live in institutions shouldn't have sex. Well, a lot of people with disabilities live in group homes and other places where they can have their special needs met and have help with their daily functioning, but they are entitled to privacy, the same as anybody else. And so just because they live in a place that is not a private house, does not mean that they have to give up any interest in sex and that they cannot have privacy. Obviously, there are people with disabilities, chronic pain, who choose not to be involved in sexual relationships, and that's just fine too. And it's important for that to be respected. A third thing, or another thing I should say, a kind of a myth, is that people with disabilities don't get sexually assaulted.
Melanie Ramey: [00:08:27] Now, if you have listened to podcast number nine, I discussed there that they are much more vulnerable to sexual assault than people who are not disabled. This is a very serious and potential problem for people with disabilities. And then the myth that people with disabilities don't need sex education because they're not sexual goes back to some of the other stupid beliefs. Nothing could be further from the truth, because people with disabilities often have caregivers with them most of the time, they are greatly in need of being taught the concept of body autonomy and when touching is appropriate and not appropriate. And then another myth that people with disabilities shouldn't get married. Many times there are couples with disabilities that live together and they don't get married because of finances. And this is because that some of the rules that are related to financial assistance they may receive does not permit them to get married and still receive some assistance. However, some disabled couples can afford to, and often sometimes one of them may be not disabled and works, or for whatever reason they do marry. Disabled people also have children. Their reproductive systems are just like people without disabilities. And with appropriate resources they can be parents and some have adopted children. And when I speak of appropriate resources, I want you to think about that, because you know, how many people who are able bodied, parents that are able bodied, have people that help with their children? What do you think nannies do? What do you think babysitters do? Or grandparents sometimes.
Melanie Ramey: [00:10:38] You know, all of these people that come in and help sometimes, people who are able bodied with children. Well, what's the difference? People with disabilities need sometimes people to help them in the care of the children and the activities of the household, etc. so it's really not a big deal. There are probably other myths harboring in the minds of some people who don't know what they're talking about, but they unfortunately have ideas that are not correct, and they pass them along, and they have made life even more difficult for people who have disabilities and chronic pain. Melissa Crisp-Cooper has written one of the most helpful booklets covering this subject. The name of it is Our Sexuality, Our Health: A Disabled Advocate's Guide to Relationships, Romance, Sexuality, and Sexual Health, and it's published by a department of University of California at San Francisco. And I will put the details on the Facebook page. As the author points out, one of the problems she had growing up and that people have now, is that they never see any people on TV or in movies that actually portray the reality of their lives, or the reality of how people, young people with disabilities are like everyone else.
Melanie Ramey: [00:12:18] They're interested in dating and in social relationships, but what is usually depicted on television or in movies has been some disabled woman who has been miraculously rescued from their miserable life by some able bodied, handsome celebrity. The lack of models for people with disabilities, showing them how to be involved in relationships and social situations has made it very difficult, and they have simply had to learn how to try to navigate these last experiences as best they could. But I recommend her booklet as being very helpful in terms of the advice she gives on tips about dating for people with disabilities. This includes online dating, includes, you know, what you do on dates, that sort of thing. Because many times there have not been other examples for young disabled people, particularly to follow. The whole issue of consent, of course, always an issue. And as Melissa says, "We can give or deny consent. Our consent is not optional. If we are nonverbal, our partner must obtain our consent through other means of communication." End quote. So sex education for people with physical and/or intellectual disabilities is absolutely essential, as they have often not been included in classes where sex education has been taught.
Melanie Ramey: [00:14:06] Of interest is the fact that Sweden, Australia and Canada have long had modules of sex education for children and adults with disabilities. It's only logical if people with disabilities are to have healthy, responsible relationships, they must have sex education and acceptable forms that they can use, such as, for example, Braille for blind children, pamphlets in plain language about how the body changes, and information on sexually transmitted diseases. These should occur as appropriate to a child's age and continue as they grow and develop. The whole idea of their disabled child sexuality has certainly been a challenge for many parents, as they may not have had a good understanding of what is appropriate, and they may need to get some better understanding of their child, because these are just ordinary needs that their children have. Historically, it, of course, was recommended that for parents, if a child had a physical or intellectual disability, they were to be sterilized at an early age. Part of that has to do with the fact that, particularly if people were intellectually disabled, that this was equated with insanity. And so it was again, that if that person was not sterilized, they might pass this along to someone else. So this whole idea of understanding how intellectual or developmental issues are, and how physical disabilities actually are over time has been one that we have only just begun really, to get a good grip on in the last 25 years.
Melanie Ramey: [00:16:18] What is needed really is at an early age, disabled children be taught about body autonomy and how to say no. It has been repeatedly shown that people with disabilities are safer when they have learned how to say no and when to ask for help, rather than just being totally dependent on others to protect them. The failure to address this issue can lead to some really serious adverse outcomes. These can include peer to peer sexual abuse, behaving inappropriately sexually due to not being taught what is appropriate, being sexually victimized, and more. And to quote Melissa, again, quote, "We have the same right to get to know our own bodies, receive quality health care, form intimate relationships, and engage in appropriate sexual relationships." End quote. If you know people you think who would benefit from information in this podcast or the resources on the Facebook page, please let them know about it. This is a very important topic that needs to be much better understood by the general public. Health care professionals also need to be much more aware than many of them are when they are going to be seeing a person with a disability. They need to know that it takes more time, and that it also needs to be important that they can communicate with that person. Until next time, stay well.
Narrator: [00:18:18] You've been listening to Sexually Speaking with sex educator and therapist Melanie Ramey. Please visit us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.