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Send us Fan Mail Your body remembers what your mind couldn’t name. We explore how narcissistic abuse leaves a somatic footprint—chronic pain without clear injury, IBS and gut distress, bone-deep fatigue, and sleep that turns into a nightly replay of threat—and why these patterns persist even after you leave the relationship, workplace, or community that caused the harm. Drawing from clinical experience, trauma texts, and hard-won personal insight, we break down the science of implicit memory,...
Your body remembers what your mind couldn’t name. We explore how narcissistic abuse leaves a somatic footprint—chronic pain without clear injury, IBS and gut distress, bone-deep fatigue, and sleep that turns into a nightly replay of threat—and why these patterns persist even after you leave the relationship, workplace, or community that caused the harm. Drawing from clinical experience, trauma texts, and hard-won personal insight, we break down the science of implicit memory, nervous system dysregulation, and the gut-brain axis to show how hypervigilance becomes a full-body habit.
We get practical about what the body is trying to say through jaw clenching, shoulder bracing, and lower back pain, and how to respond with tools that rebalance the autonomic nervous system. You’ll hear how chronic sympathetic activation fuels cortisol surges, microbiome shifts, and mitochondrial slowdown, and why shame quietly locks these changes in place. We also unpack the addiction loop of love-bombing and withdrawal, the rumination spiral that hijacks sleep, and the identity collapse that happens when you stop living the story a narcissistic system wrote for you and start living your own.
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Tabitha MacDonald is an Intuitive Coach and Bodyworker committed to helping people overcome pain fast so they can experience the love, success, freedom, and fulfillment they deserve.
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Welcome to Soma Rising, the podcast where science meets spirit and healing becomes the art of alignment.
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SPEAKER_00: Today's topic is
near and dear to my soul.
We are talking about the somatic
aftermath of narcissistic abuse.
You see, in 2020, I really
started to notice the
correlation between pain in the
body and pain in the mind and
pain in the emotions and pain in
the soul.
I started reading a book called
Your Body Keeps the Score
because I noticed that a lot of
my clients in my massage clinic
were coming in with a lot of
trauma from COVID.
And they were having a very hard
time reintegrating.
There wasn't a lot of help for
them.
Therapists were booked out nine
months ahead of time.
And I knew that massage
therapists, hairdressers, people
who talk to people were kind of
the frontline workers of trauma.
So I started studying trauma and
getting more into working
directly with trauma instead of
saying, have a nice day, go take
that emotional release to
someone else.
Because I just felt like that
was irresponsible.
And also, as I was reading Your
Body Keeps the Score, I started
realizing probably that I had my
own unprocessed trauma.
I mean, I was at that time
living with and actively engaged
with a narcissist, a very, very
out-of-control narcissist who at
the time I really didn't fully
understand narcissism.
I didn't understand what it was.
I didn't think that I was
experiencing narcissistic abuse.
I literally had no clue.
And so what I really want to
talk about is how the body
communicates what the mind does
not understand or does not have
language for.
And then he can see the matrix.
That's what it felt like.
Like I was um looking at the
world completely differently,
and I had no idea that I was in
a prison.
And it was a prison of
narcissistic abuse, and it was
literally draining my soul.
And I didn't really understand
what that meant.
And if you don't know what that
means, hold on, I'm gonna
explain it in just a second.
So one of the most perplexing
realities that survivors of
narcissistic abuse um uncover is
the bodies, their body carries
the trace of trauma as
profoundly, if not more so, than
their minds.
We tend to conceptualize trauma
as primarily a psychological
phenomenon, but new research,
um, like such as the
groundbreaking book, you know,
Your Body Keeps the Score, um,
helps us understand that the
body is actually communicating
with you about your trauma.
Um, in massage school, we're
taught about like emotional
release and how when you work on
somebody, they might start
crying and that's like an old
unprocessed memory coming up.
But these like um traumatic
experiences are bigger than
that.
Because if you have somebody
that has endured a long, a
long-standing narcissistic
abuse, for instance, if they
were married to a narcissist, if
they dated one, if they uh were
raised in a narcissistic
household.
And uh just for clarity here,
when I say narcissist or
narcissistic, I am not talking
only about narcissistic
personality disorder, which can
be diagnosed by a mental health
practitioner.
I'm talking about the tools and
strategies that somebody uses to
control and manipulate another
person.
So for ease of use, we're just
going to call it narcissistic
abuse.
The abuser does not necessarily
have to be a narcissist.
They could be somebody
struggling with addiction
because the strategies are
exactly the same.
They could be somebody who just
has a really um dominating or
controlling personality.
Um, there's many different types
of people who use narcissistic
strategies to control your mind,
emotions, your thoughts, your
behavior, and basically your
soul.
And I know that's a really um
intense statement, but it's
true.
So, what we're gonna talk about
tonight is how the body is
communicating it to the person
experiencing it.
So back in 2020, I started just
seeing people come in.
And I think 2020 was like a mass
narcissistic trauma because of
all the gaslighting and like
basically the prison state.
You know, we were like locked in
our homes and able to connect
with other people, isolated.
All of these are narcissistic
strategies.
Now, I'm not making any
commentary about government or
anything, I'm just talking about
the experience.
We went into full-blown
scarcity.
There wasn't enough uh like
toilet paper.
And I know that sounds like a
random thing to think that was
scarce, but I remember being
panicked about it because it was
my what my normal way of life
was using toilet paper, right?
Uh, we couldn't get pasta for a
while, we couldn't get um access
to money, especially for those
of us who worked for ourselves
and our businesses were closed
down.
It basically sent people into a
global state of scarcity.
One I don't think we have fully
recovered from as a society, but
I want to stay on the body for a
moment.
So when I started going back to
work and I started seeing all of
these people coming in in this
state, uh their pain was worse,
uh, their mental health was
declining, emotional health was
declining, and it it was scary
and there wasn't enough help.
And so we would start working on
pain.
And, you know, there were
certain patterns of pain that
were coming up that are what
we're gonna talk about today,
and that is like this somatic
dimension of trauma, and it's
minimized.
And that I think is what
frustrates me because people
aren't talking about the root
cause of a lot of illnesses.
And when I started realizing
that, you know, I was really
dealing with something a lot
bigger than I, a lot bigger than
I knew I was gonna, like, uh
than I than I knew I was.
I just started reading up on
narcissistic abuse and I started
gaining an understanding, and
then the universe responded by
sending me helpers.
Um, like a client would come in
and explain what triangulation
was, and I was like, well, I
don't even know what that is.
I've never heard of it.
Turns out I had lived my whole
life in a drama triangle without
even noticing it.
Um, I uh started reading other
books like uh The Human Magnet
Syndrome, which talks about the
polarity between the narcissist
and the empath or the
codependent.
You'll hear me use the term
codependent or empath
interchangeably.
Um, I think they're very
similar.
I don't know the exact like
difference between the two.
Um, I'll just say I had an
anxious attachment style, I was
a raging codependent, and I'm
definitely an empath.
So what I saw in my own
unraveling was my body put
weight on when I was around
someone who was a narcissist as
a protection mechanism.
So as soon as I took my ex back,
who was very narcissistic, I
started gaining weight and I
couldn't figure out why.
Now, part of it was unconscious
eating patterns, over drinking
because it was COVID and um also
getting less movement because it
was COVID, but also because my
body was literally saying, this
person is not safe.
I'm putting the protection back
up.
And it was frustrating to me
because I didn't have context or
understanding for it at the
time.
I also didn't know about
protector controller parts of
our unconscious mind, which
we'll talk about more in another
episode.
But I I just didn't know what I
didn't know.
So as I'm starting to like put
the pieces together, I'm looking
at my own family dynamics and
thinking, holy smokes, like I
think my mom's a narcissist.
And, you know, without
diagnosing her, she definitely
has strong narcissistic control
qualities.
Like that's how she operates in
the world, lose using a lot of
lying, a lot of mind control,
emotional manipulation,
shame-based tactics, and
triangulation to control
everyone around her.
And it's really to keep herself
in the hero role of her reality,
her very interesting and twisted
reality.
Now, um what I noticed when I
was looking at the clients that
I was working on, a lot of them
were coming in with unique pain
patterns, meaning um their
trigger points did not match the
norm.
They were in a completely
different wiring system.
And they also had some
unconscious strategies for
protecting themselves.
And those were the reasons these
health conditions could not
shift.
Or they had a lot of idiopathic
health conditions like
fibromyalgia, um, migraines,
they had um always digestive
problems, uh IBS, ulcerative
colitis, uh, really intense
things that caused them a lot of
pain and a lot of issues with
their health.
And they were not getting the
help that they needed.
And so I knew like there was a
there was that moment where I
knew this was the thing that I
was here to unravel.
Like I knew this was a mystery
that my soul was like leading me
towards because it felt like
suddenly like the invisible
forces of the universe just
started pulling me forward and I
started learning at like this
rapid pace.
And it was as if I was
remembering what I came to earth
to do, right?
Like I think we all have a
purpose, and it it felt like
this is this is what it was.
So to understand why the body
carries this trauma, first we
have to understand the
difference between an explicit
memory and an implicit memory.
Explicit memory is that which we
are aware of.
It's a memory that you can
recount.
For instance, I can remember
August 5th, 2005, at 12.06 a.m.,
my daughter entered the world.
I can remember it very, very
clearly.
This memory is primarily stored
in the hippocampus and can be
verbalized.
But there's another form of
memory called implicit memory,
which operates outside of our
consciousness.
This memory is stored in older,
more primitive brain structures,
the amygdala, brainstem,
cerebellum, and importantly
within the body itself.
It encodes not the narrative
facts of the trauma, but the
sensations, the emotions, and
the physiological responses that
accompanied it.
For instance, when I was in uh
Florida at Podfest, I was
traveling alone and I had some
trauma happen to me when I was
traveling within the last five
years, and I had to really work
through it.
Now, when I got to Florida and I
got to my hotel, it was a very
similar-looking environment to
the one where I had uh been
drugged.
And I didn't know this was still
bothering me and it was still
impacting the way that I make
decisions.
Because once I got to the hotel,
I suddenly just started having
trauma tremors and somatic
responses to terror that I
wasn't having a memory for.
I didn't not have any memories.
I was not hearing anything, I
was not seeing anything.
I was totally unaware that I
that I was having a trauma
response, except for the fact
that I treat trauma and I knew
what my body was doing.
And so I was having a felt sense
of terror, even though I was not
experiencing it.
So what that means is you might
have a memory in your field of
awareness that creates a
physiological response, but you
might not remember a trauma.
You might not have any kind of
experience of a trauma event.
Now, I don't want to make this
too complicated, but we can also
inherit our parents' trauma,
their parents eight generations
back.
So you might even have a
visceral reaction to something
that's like your
great-great-grandma's.
So we're just gonna put a pin in
that one.
We'll talk about that one later.
But I just wanted to make you
aware that your body might be
remembering something you never
even experienced.
So simultaneously, our body
recorded something else, maybe
like a terror event.
And for me, it was very terror.
It was a terror event.
Um, and so I would have panic
attacks.
I had um, I used to have like
trauma seizures and I used to
have ticks and all kinds of
weird things uh after I had
these this big trauma.
And I and I was having them come
up again, and I was like, oh no,
not this again.
Like I were, I recoded the heck
out of this.
But my body was re-experiencing
it like it was happening in the
present moment, but I was very
present.
So these bodily sensations,
repeated dozens or hundreds of
times throughout uh, like let's
say a toxic relationship, toxic
workplace, or you know, even in
your family of origin, they
create somatic imprints.
The body learns to hold itself
in a certain way, to breathe in
a certain way, to react in a
certain way.
And these patterns become
automatic, unconscious, and they
persist even when the dangerous
environment has disappeared.
At the core of somatic after
effects lays a deep
dysregulation of the automatic
nervous system.
This system, which regulates all
involuntary bodily functions,
your heart rate, respiration,
digestion, temperature, immune
response, it operates in two
main modes, the sympathetic
system, activation,
mobilization, fight or flight,
and the parasympathetic system,
rest, digest, recovery.
In healthy functioning, these
two branches of the ANS balance
each other out.
The sympathetic system activates
in response to a challenge or
danger, mobilizing the body's
resources.
Once the challenge is met or the
danger has passed, the
parasympathetic system should
take over, allowing the body to
rest and recover.
This cycle of activation and
recovery is natural and healthy.
But in the context of prolonged
narcissistic abuse, this cycle
is deeply disrupted.
The sympathetic system remains
chronically activated, keeping
the body in a state of constant
alert, even when there is no
immediate danger.
The nervous system cannot return
to a state of rest.
It's as if the accelerator is
constantly pressed down with no
possibility of hitting the
brakes.
So if you've ever met someone
who's constantly tense, looks
like they're always ready for a
fight or to be attacked, the
heart beats faster.
I usually see them because their
jaw is clenched, they're they
tend to breathe out of their
neck, and um they they they look
like they're uh very unhappy,
not unhappy because a lot of
them smile, but there's just
this kind of deep um sense of
I'm not hypervigilance, like
they're looking for danger all
of the time.
They might even kind of react
that way in the way that they
talk to you, a little bit
defensive or hypercritical.
This chronic sympathetic
activation has cascading
consequences for all body
systems.
The cardiovascular system is
overworked, creating an
increased risk of hypertension
and heart problems.
The digestive system, which
functions optimally in
parasympathetic mode, is
constantly disrupted.
This is why I had horrific
ulcerative colitis, I believe,
because I had this chronic
narcissistic abuse.
The immune system is completely
weakened by chronic stress, and
that makes the person more
vulnerable to infections and
illnesses.
And the endocrine system
produces abnormally high levels
of cortisol, the stress hormone,
creating widespread hormonal
imbalance.
The somatic after effects of
narcissistic abuse are not
abstract or theoretical.
They manifest as concrete and
often debilitating physical
symptoms that significantly
affect the survivor's daily
life.
One of the most common and
frustrating manifestations is
the development of chronic pain.
Now, this is what led me to
working with narcissistic abuse
because I saw that chronic pain
sufferers had in some place in
their life some form of
narcissistic abuse.
This does not have to be in the
home.
This can be in your workplace.
It could be from your medical
system, a school system.
It could be from the PTA, a
mom's group.
It can be anywhere.
So don't be closed-minded when
you're thinking, oh, I do have
this, but I don't have, I'm not
married to a narcissist.
My parents are lovely people.
You could be receiving it
somewhere else.
So if this is you, I'm just
inviting you to think about
other places you might be
experiencing it.
Because chronic pain without an
unidentifiable medical cause is
often linked to some form of
narcissistic abuse.
So this pain is very real, it's
not imaginary, but it does not
result from a tissue injury or
detectable organic pathology.
It is the somatic expression of
unresolved trauma.
I have many books that will help
you communicate to the part of
the body so that you can see
what the body is holding in that
area.
And it helps you understand the
trauma behind the disease.
And um I have, oh, I think the
there's like the healing
questions guide.
There's another book about
chronic illness, but there's a
there's a lot of books out
there, and I can put some links
down below that will help you
understand, like, oh, okay, so
these are questions I can ask
myself to understand what my
body's trying to tell me.
Chronic muscle tension in
particular is very common.
Shoulders rise and stiffen into
a defensive position, the neck
tightens, creating persistent
tension headaches, the jaw
clenches, sometimes to the point
of developing uh TMJD or
temporomandibular joint
disorders, the lower back
tightens, literally carrying the
weight of emotional stress.
I see a lot of hip pain, I see a
lot of shoulder pain because
they're like carrying the
burden.
Uh, and it's it's no joke what
people with chronic pain are
going through because they feel
crazy, because they're like, I
can't, I know I have pain, but
nobody seems to be able to help
me get to the bottom of it.
And I'll just say that the pain
serves as a psychological
function.
Now, I'm not saying all pain is
like this because I treat a lot
of low back pain where somebody
was just doing something stupid
at the gym and they threw their
back out.
So, you know, that's common too.
But if it's a chronic repetitive
Issue, we cannot ignore the
psychological, emotional, and
energetic imprint that the body
is trying to communicate, the
only way it knows how.
So oftentimes the body will
communicate something that the
mind cannot or does not want to
acknowledge.
For instance, my um intuition
keeps telling me to talk more
about narcissistic abuse and to
launch a coaching program
specifically designed to help
people break free from the
prison of narcissism.
And I have not wanted to do it.
I have been stubborn.
Like, but what I realized was
that it was a somatic response
to not confronting narcissists.
It was a defense strategy to
keep me safe.
So as I'm going through my
narcissistic abuse recovery
certification program, I'm
listening to this and I'm
getting triggered because, and I
don't like saying triggered,
I'll say activated.
I think triggered is overused.
Um, but I'm having a somatic
reaction to it.
Like last night, it was the
section on, you know, helping
them prepare to leave.
And I was remembering the whole
like last year of my marriage to
my kids' dad.
And it was awful.
Like I was, you know, secretly
hoarding money to get out.
I was um building a business so
that I could support my kids.
I knew I wouldn't get any
financial support.
I knew he'd come after me for
everything I had.
I knew he would try to destroy
me the second I asked for
divorce.
And I was scared and I forgot
how bad it was.
I forgot the, you know, the
reason I left was because the
police showed up and gave me a
long talk, actually, a short
talk with a very long message.
It they basically just said,
man, there comes a time in
everybody's life where you have
to make some hard choices.
And today is that choice for you
because we cannot protect you
from him.
And I I remember um knowing deep
inside that that that that was a
message from the universe that
I'd better, I better listen to.
And so going through the program
brought up a lot of stuff that I
thought had been healed, I
thought had been um, you know,
worked through.
And it luckily, I mean, I have a
whole library of healing tools
that I teach in Soma Tribe that
are basically also designed to
help you heal from narcissistic
abuse.
I don't talk about straight
narcissism as much in Soma Tribe
because for me, that product,
that program, that membership is
there to help you create your
new identity.
Um, but I have been talking
about it more as I'm realizing a
lot of the people that just come
into my world are people
recovering from some form of
narcissistic abuse in their
life.
And they don't want to go to
therapy and talk about it for
the next 20 years.
They just want fast solutions.
And I'm I'm a seven on the
Enneagram.
I came up with the fastest
solutions.
So here I am.
And so it, but as I'm like going
through the recovery
certification program, I'm
remembering a lot of the things
that I went through that I had
dissociated from, that I had
forgotten about, um, that I just
wasn't paying attention to
anymore because I was moving
forward.
But my body last night started
remembering and it started doing
very similar things that it that
it used to do.
And I was immediately wanting to
stuff my face with chocolate,
and I was immediately felt like
I was standing in the middle of
my mind screaming, and
everything around me was
shaking, but nobody could hear
me.
And I don't know if you know
what that feels like, but I I
explain it like this when I'm
working with people who've had a
stroke or who have had a big
trauma, where it's like the real
you is inside of you and
everything is moving fast around
you and it's screaming, but like
nobody can hear it.
It's almost like someone put the
mute button on.
And it's an awful feeling to
feel that way.
Um, but when we look at like,
let's just talk about some
specific types of tension in the
body.
Um, like I said before, the
shoulders often say I'm carrying
too heavy a burden.
Um, the pain in the jaw says
there are things I can't say,
screams I had to hold back.
My truth is not gonna ever be
heard.
So I'm gonna choke it back and
make sure that however whatever
I say is going to be formulated
in a way that prevents some kind
of like meanness from the other
person.
Um, the pain in the lower back
basically says I do not feel
supported and I have to carry
everything alone.
Some survivors also develop
complex pain syndromes, like I
mentioned before, like
fibromyalgia, uh, which is like
this diffuse pain throughout the
body, extreme fatigue, sleep
disturbances.
Fibromyalgia is legitimate.
So when I talk about these
things, I'm not saying that this
is the answer to all of it,
because I think a very holistic
approach is needed.
But if you're getting treatment
for fibro and you're getting
treatment for low back and
shoulder pain and things like
that, and it's not resolving
itself, I'm gonna invite you to
take a look deeper.
Because I was terrified at
looking at my trauma because I
didn't want to open Pandora's
box.
And I thought that it meant me
going and sitting and talking to
a therapist, unpacking all my
mommy and daddy issues.
And I didn't want to do that.
Um, I I guess most people
probably don't want to do that,
but I really didn't want to do
that.
I was like, I ain't got no time
for that.
I'm a single mom, I'm running a
business, and my soul has a
mission.
And who has time for that?
I don't.
And I went down the path of
working with coaching and
superconscious work.
And that was the path that
worked fastest for me.
And I'm not dismissing any of
the other tools.
I think any kind of help is
going to be the step in the
right direction.
But if I'm inviting you, if you
have chronic pain, if you have
unresolved health issues, please
empower yourself with the
knowledge that it could be
something more.
And I just think we're not
talking about this enough.
I'm not sure that people, I
mean, in my world we do, but
then I realize I live in a very
small world, right?
Like I live in a world of people
who inquire about their health
and who, you know, take
responsibility for it and you
know, they find alternative
health practitioners.
So that's the world I live in.
I forget every well, not
everyone lives in that little
world.
So um I also want to talk about
um why digestive digestive
disorders are also really high
for people who are recovering
from narcissistic abuse.
The distressed second brain,
basically.
The digestive system, often
referred to as the second brain,
due to its dense neural network
and its intimate connection with
the main brain, is particularly
vulnerable to the effects of
chronic stress and trauma.
Digestive disorders are
extremely common among survivors
of narcissistic abuse.
Irritable bowel syndrome is one
of the most common
manifestations of narcissistic
abuse.
Basically, it alternates between
constipation and diarrhea,
abdominal cramps, bloating,
nausea.
These symptoms can be constant
or triggered in stressful
situations.
For many survivors, the
digestive system becomes an
emotional barometer, reacting
immediately to any anxiety,
trigger, or trauma-related
thought.
I can't even tell you how bad my
ulcerative partitis was.
It was the most uncomfortable
thing of all of the health
conditions I've had.
That was one of the most
humiliating.
I remember even just trying to
go on a hike with my daughter at
Silver Falls, and I was like 280
pounds at the time, and I had
back pain and foot pain and neck
pain, and it I was constantly in
pain.
And it made it worse because
every time I tried to go for a
walk, I'd like have diarrhea.
Yeah, and it didn't always make
it to the toilet.
So um, it was awful because it
was humiliating, and it also put
a huge wedge between you know
how I wanted to live my life.
This connection between brain
and gut is not metaphorical at
all.
The gut-brain access is a real
bidirectional communication
pathway.
Stress and trauma affect
intestinal motility, the
secretion of digestive enzymes,
the composition of the gut
microbiome, and even the
permeability of the intestinal
wall.
These physiological changes
create real and persistent
digestive symptoms.
Many survivors develop
problematic relationships with
food.
Some completely lose their
appetite with food becoming
tasteless or even repulsive.
This happened to me after I um
was dumped by the narcissist in
2019.
I literally couldn't eat.
I I went the complete opposite
where food was repulsive.
I would look at food and I felt
like it would kill me if I ate
it.
Now, I have had emotional eating
issues my entire life.
This was not something that I
was accustomed to.
Uh, others develop compulsive
eating behaviors.
That's usually what I um leaned
on when dealing with
narcissistic abuse, using food
as a means of emotional
regulation, comfort, or filling
an internal void.
These dysfunctional eating
patterns can lead to clinical
eating disorders requiring
specialized treatment.
Now, I have a lot of processes
in the tribe that address
emotional eating at the root and
help people overcome that
because I think that it's part
of living in an alignment with
your higher self, is eating
healthier.
And it is part of learning to,
you know, recognize, especially
for empaths, when you're taking
on other people's emotions as
your own.
I feel like we we carry it
around with us, and that can
look like an extra 20 pounds.
Um, we also need to look at
chronic fatigue.
I remember when I had chronic
fatigue syndrome, it feels like
forever now, but this is
exhaustion at like the cellular
level.
We've already like mentioned
fatigue in the in the context of
like depression, but it deserves
a deeper exploration in its
somatic dimension.
The chronic fatigue experienced
by survivors of narcissistic
abuse is not simply a desire to
sleep or a lack of motivation,
it is a deep exhaustion at the
cellular level, a depletion of
the body's energy resources that
can be biologically measured.
Chronic stress affects the
mitochondria or the powerhouses
of cells.
Under prolonged stress,
mitochondrial function
deteriorates, reducing the
cell's ability to produce
energy.
Simultaneously, the adrenal
glands, which produce cortisol
and other stress hormones, can
become exhausted after months or
years of overactivity, leading
to what is sometimes called
adrenal fatigue.
And there's like a specific
muscle sequence that when I'm
working on someone, I can always
tell when their adrenal glands
are being taxed.
And I'll just say ashwagandha is
a really helpful herb for this
and restoring healthy adrenal
function.
Um, if you know, if you've been
told you have adrenal fatigue,
you definitely want to look at
like long-term stress on the
body and the real cost of it
because it's it's real and it's
it's hard to understand when
you're in it because it's just
feels like uh you're too tired
to even figure it out.
Uh, you wake up exhausted, you
um feel like maybe taking a
shower might be too too much of
an effort.
Climbing stairs leaves you
breathless, your body feels
heavy as if you're walking
through molasses, and it's just
like you didn't get enough
sleep, but it doesn't matter how
much sleep you get, you're just
not getting enough sleep ever.
Um, your muscles feel tired.
Every cell of your body feels
exhausted.
It feels like your bones just
can't hold you up.
This fatigue has cascading
consequences.
It makes physical exercise
difficult, which could otherwise
aid in recovery.
It affects the ability to work,
socialize, and take care of
oneself.
It creates a vicious cycle.
Fatigue leads to inactivity,
which leads to more fatigue,
which leads to more inactivity.
The chronic fatigue is often
misunderstood by other people.
Loved ones may perceive it as
laziness or a lack of willpower.
You might think that you have
that you have a chronic case of
laziness or lack of willpower,
that you should just push
yourself harder.
Maybe you're just getting old.
Maybe if you exercised more or
you had you'd you'd have more
energy.
Or maybe, you know, you just
can't figure out what's wrong.
Your body just won't move.
Well, what happens is,
well-intentioned as they may be,
um, these ignorant comments add
shame and isolation to the
already overwhelming exhaustion.
And I don't know if you know
this, but shame acts like a
bigger chain to the prison of
narcissism because shame is
basically what they keep you in
to control you so that you never
leave.
Because shame is heavy.
I don't care how much you weigh,
shame is heavy.
A lot of people will also
experience sleep disorders, and
sleep is an essential
restorative function, and it is
profoundly disrupted in most
survivors of narcissistic abuse.
Sleep disorders take multiple
forms and have multiple causes,
all related to the dysregulation
of the nervous system and the
persistence of trauma.
Insomnia is common, laying awake
at night.
I remember after my um big, big
heartbreak in 2019, I would lay
there ruminating all night long.
And I could not get my mind to
stop racing.
It only made it worse.
And that's why one of the first
tools that I teach is to how to
break the rumination patterns
because it is crazy making, and
you're only creating deeper
grooves in your brain that make
this person feel like the only
solution is them.
It's the same as quitting
cigarettes, it's the same as
coming off of sugar, you know,
quitting drinking if you have a
drinking problem.
Um, it's the same as getting off
of drugs because it creates a
drug loop in your brain.
You become literally addicted to
the narcissistic abuse.
You might not know it, but
narcissistic abuse is highly
addictive.
I know that sounds a little out
there, but it's true.
And they've done research.
Um, think of heroin, right?
Like heroin makes you feel
euphoric.
I don't know, I've never done
it, but I hear it makes you feel
euphoric.
Coming off of heroin makes you
feel like you're gonna die.
A narcissist, when they love
bomb you, it makes you feel
euphoric.
When they start to pull away, it
makes you feel like you're gonna
die.
It's the same loop.
Different drug.
Nighttime awakenings are also
characteristic.
Uh the survivors may fall asleep
but wake up several times during
the night, often suddenly with a
racco, sweating, um, nightmares,
uh, just really not feeling safe
in bed.
Uh, nightmares uh are really
prevalent, and they are often
the somatic manifestation of
trauma.
I used to have horrific
nightmares all of the time, and
I did not understand why.
I very rarely get them anymore
unless I'm doing lucid dreaming
intentionally to shift trauma.
Um, but they they are literally
replays of trauma when you're
sleep, when you're sleeping.
And the brain is attempting to
process and integrate traumatic
experiences.
And, you know, sometimes we just
don't want to go to sleep
because we don't want to
experience terror in our sleep,
especially when we've had to
endure it in our daily life.
And you might not equate your
narcissist, whoever they are,
um, or whatever system it is,
because this can also come from
religious organizations.
Um, but it you probably don't
want to keep experiencing it at
night.
It's like, you know, at least
during the day you know what to
expect, but in your nightmares,
you never know what's gonna come
through.
It's it's a it's hard.
So if you're going through that,
I just want you to know that I I
get it and it's hard.
And um I'm sorry that you're
experiencing it.
And I and I want you to know
that there's a solution.
There is a solution, and it's
faster than you know.
It does take commitment because
narcissism is coming out of an
addictive prison, it it does
take a commitment to your future
self because it collapses the
identity that they created.
So let's say, for instance, that
you had a narcissistic parent,
they created an identity for
you.
And when you begin to heal, that
identity collapses because it
was one built on fear and shame
and scarcity, and you're not
enough, and you're not worthy,
and this is all you're ever
gonna get out of life.
And then your higher self is
gonna come in and they're like
pure, unconditional love.
And they're like, you're totally
worthy.
You don't, you're not broken,
like you're perfect, you're
beautiful, you're exactly who I
hoped you would be.
That identity is in direct
conflict with the identity that
the narcissistic system created
for you, so you'll clash with
your higher self because the
opposing identities need to be
resolved.
And that's where getting help
from someone who can see the
real you, the real, real you,
not the one that they made you
believe you were, but the real
you.
And in community.
Because now, whenever I go into
a little shame spiral, I call
someone and I say, okay, I'm
having a shame spiral, and this
is what it feels like in my
body, and I need to just say it
out loud so that somebody
outside of me is witness to it,
and then all of a sudden it just
goes away.
Because shame can only grow in
silence, right?
It only anchors into your
identity without expressing it
to another person.
Shame will make you sick.
Do not underestimate the cost of
shame on your health.
We were in a um uh a class the
other day, and I said, I don't
know how to put a value on
narcissistic abuse recovery.
I don't know how to give it a
dollar value.
And the coach asked me, Well,
how much did you pay?
And I'm like, to be honest, I've
probably paid about$300,000 to
get outfit.
And there's no way I'm gonna
ever charge anyone that because
I think that it should be free,
number one.
And I I don't think that, like,
had I known it was gonna cost me
that much money when I started
it, if I had known how messy it
was gonna be and how many
different professionals I would
seek out that were selling a
promise that they couldn't
deliver on, um, which just left
me feeling more broken and more
frustrated.
If I had known then that the
cost, I wouldn't have started
the journey.
So I'm gonna tell you right now
that um when you work with me,
the cost is nowhere near
$300,000, even though that was
my investment.
I want you to know though that
it costs you a lot of money
because if you're physically
sick all of the time, like your
back is always going out, or
you're you're having migraines,
you're having chronic fatigue
issues, um, you're not able to
make the kind of money that you
would if those things were not
blocking you.
And if you've ever said to
yourself, well, I'm just lazy,
that's why I can't stick to a
gym routine, that's not true.
Your nervous system is not
calibrating correctly.
And that's when we have to
identify the block in your
system that is preventing you
from taking action with the
person you were meant to become.
Now, that's what I have
developed in Soma Tribe.
Um, and I am also, if you're
interested, I am going to be
launching a new narcissistic
healing program that's just
focused on education and um
healing for people who've
endured narcissistic abuse.
It's going to be a three-month
container, and it's going to be
like very interactive and
heavily supported.
Because looking back at the
beginning of the journey, I
think if I had been in a
container like that, it would
have been a lot smoother.
Um, but I kept denying and and
denying and denying.
And I looked and I looked and I
looked, and I couldn't find
something like what I'm creating
right now.
And I'm pretty sure that's why
I'm creating it.
Because I'm creating the program
that me in 2019 needed, that me
in 2014 needed, that me in 1993
needed.
I'm creating the program that my
younger self is begging me to
create so that other people
don't have to live this prison
sentence.
And I I've said this to a lot of
people where I'm like, I feel
like it's not fair because
coming out of that imprisonment
of narcissistic abuse is hard.
And it's like it's probably the
hardest thing I've ever had to
do.
And people will ask, like, why I
did it, why what kept me focused
and committed.
And it's because of my my
daughter and my son.
Because when I started
understanding energy,
epigenetics, and um familial
patterns, not only through
learned behavior and um you know
beliefs, but from energy, I
realized that if I healed, they
would heal.
And that the more I worked on
myself, they didn't even have to
go to therapy.
They just received the benefit.
Now, I think that's partly
because I show up as a different
mom.
Um, I'm very uh self-aware and I
am very self-reflective.
So if my kids make a complaint,
or you know, they're teenagers,
they should make complaints.
So no, that's their job, right?
But I mean, I don't, my
daughter's not a teenager
anymore.
Oh my God, she is now 20.
Okay, so um if if you know they
if they're complaining and stuff
like that, I like to be
self-aware enough to go, okay,
is that from me?
Is that because of, you know, my
old codependent strategies?
Um, or, you know, do I try to
take it into account and and
question it.
I'm always in inquiry with
myself about my own behavior
because I think it's really,
really important, especially
being someone who came out of
narcissistic abuse.
Um, because I did not question
other people enough.
I always self-blamed.
And self-inquiry is not the same
thing as self-blaming.
So we'll talk about that on
another episode.
But for today, I feel like this
is a good stopping point.
And um, I'd like to know like
what kind of somatic
experiences, and when I say
somatic, that's like in the
body, um, you experience that
maybe you haven't been able to
resolve.
And have you sought like
solutions and haven't been able
to figure it out, but you know
there's something out there that
you just can't quite put your
finger on it.
Now it might be like, you know,
trying to lose weight and and
you're chasing symptoms.
It could be menopause or
perimenopause, because I'm gonna
tell you right now, I did not
have menopause or perimenopause,
and I'm pretty sure it's because
I went through the process of
healing my energy, my body, my
mind, and my emotional state.
And I believe I the releasing of
my baggage is why I didn't
experience menopause the way
that other people are saying
they're experiencing now.
And I'm also sure that's why my
body, you know, healed the IBS
and why a lot of the chronic
pain that I used to have has
also resolved itself.
So if you're interested in
learning more, uh, what I'm
gonna do is I'm gonna put a link
below into a free clearing loop.
It's the trauma bond clearing
loop, and it basically clears
your um unconscious mind of all
trauma bonds from the past.
Now, it could even be a past
lifetime, you never know.
Um, it's in there.
So I'm gonna put a link down.
You can just sign up for it, and
then you'll get um a little mini
course on narcissistic abuse
recovery.
Um, but then the just the trauma
bond is the thing that you're
gonna want to listen to.
So I listen to it at night.
It helps untangle the
unconscious programming that is
installed during narcissistic
abuse.
Now, this is going to work for
you if you were in a cult, if
you were in a community that had
narcissistic abuse, this is
gonna work if you were in a um
work or school environment that
had narcissistic abuse.
Um, the PTA, I'm just saying.
Um, if you were in um, you know,
uh just a friend group where you
were targeted and you maybe
didn't know, um, it could also
be from loved ones like a
parent.
You don't have to know who it
was for the energetic imprint to
have been to have impacted you.
I've had narcissistic clients
that I had to remove from my
care because they were so
abusive and I couldn't see it at
the time.
So there's there is a tangled
web of very, you know, tactical
narcissistic people out there.
So you might not even know you
have one, but maybe some of
these symptoms resonate with
you.
So, like I said, you don't have
to know who it is, you don't
have to know where it came from.
The trauma bond will break it
using the superconscious recode
and clearing loops, um, which
help restore your true higher
self as the authority of your
mind.
And that is what I want for
people, and that's what I want
for the planet.
Uh, because when you're in
alignment with your higher self,
you heal faster, you create
faster, and you get back to
creating what your soul came
here to create instead of
getting lost in uh trauma and
comfort and illusions that are
not supporting you.