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*Welcome to* “Take Off The Mask with CasieCasem (TOTM),” *the podcast where we strip away the filters and dig deep into the heart of mental health. I’m your host, Casie Casem, and here, nothing is off-limits. We talk about the things that matter—raw, real stories from people who’ve been there, insights from experts who know the field, and conversations that challenge how we think about mental well-being.*
This isn't just another mental health podcast. It's a community. A place where you're seen, heard, and understood, no matter what you’re going through. Whether you’re here to find support, gain understanding, or simply listen to meaningful discussions —whatever brought you here, you’re in the right place. our goal is to create a space where you feel heard and valued. Remember, you’re not alone on this journey. *Together, we're breaking down walls and opening up honest conversations that need to be had. *Together we can Change the Face of Depression Join us as we take off the mask and face mental health together.
*Before we dive in, a quick note: today's episode may cover sensitive topics related to mental health. If you feel overwhelmed at any point, please reach out to a professional or someone you trust. We’re all in this together, and there’s always help and hope.*
*Ready to take off the mask? Let’s get started.
Check out our website at www.CTFOD.com or www.changethefaceofdepression.com
Hey, guys. It's Casie Casem with Change the Face of Depression, and this is my podcast, Take Off the Mask, also known as TOTEM. Take Off the Mask is a place where no ground is too deep. We have raw interviews with real people making an impact, impacting the world in a better way than the world impacted us. Some of this is tough to hear.
CasieCasem:Listener's discretion is advised. For more episodes and to find out how you can help change the face of depression, check us out at www.change the face of depression.comorctfod.com. We're also on Facebook and Instagram. Hey, guys. It's Casey Kasem.
CasieCasem:Thanks for hanging out with us today. We're here on this segment of take off the mask and today I've got my friend Peyton Vaughn. He's gonna be talking to us about recovery and what it's like to be a former addict. Payton, what's up?
Payton:How you doing?
CasieCasem:Going? Good. How are you doing?
Payton:I'm doing good. I'm doing good. Thank you for having me.
CasieCasem:Absolutely. Thanks for coming. You've been, making rounds about Duval. Been making a big wave here with some recovery stuff we got going on.
Payton:Yeah. I've been trying my best to, bring a different view to, Jacksonville and to the south of what, recovery means to me.
CasieCasem:Just in general too, though. Like, you've been super vulnerable about what's been going on with your story on recovery and how you've been able to get that into, like, to stay stay a recovering addict.
Payton:Well, one thing that, resonates with me is, somebody said be totally truthful. So, I don't hold nothing back from what I say about my story, about my passion, or about my mission with recovery.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:And I just want people to know out there that we do recover. Right now, I just got 2 years of continuous straight sobriety to the door, which means no hiccups, no relapses, no boo boos, no anything. And, it's all been about connection, community, knowledge, power, and just being available to other struggling addicts.
CasieCasem:Let me ask you a question. Is it worth it?
Payton:You know, somebody asked me that actually one time. And, no. I'll be honest with you. I would not go through what I went through to get here ever again, but that's what ifs, and I don't do what ifs. Yes.
Payton:It is worth it. When you get a phone call at 12, 1, 2 in the morning, and then you get another phone call at 2 in the afternoon saying somebody said, man, you saved my life last night, they're not calling you back just to blow smoke up your ass. You really did save their life. I promise you that. So, yes, it it is worth it.
CasieCasem:Wow. This is a completely different field that we're playing on now. You went from being an addict to yourself to actually helping those that are in that same situation you once were. What is what is that like?
Payton:Well, it basically went down like this. I don't do recovery, the traditional way, and and there is a traditional way. There's, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and then there's a few other, resources, Smart Recovery, Refuge Recovery, and, look it up. Google's good. But, what I did was is, I realized that they took a a boy from Jacksonville, Florida, and they sent him all the way to Portland, Oregon for recovery.
Payton:And luckily that my higher power on how I understand him told me, Peyton, you need to approach us a different way. And, basically, I when people talked, I sincerely listened. Even when I didn't wanna listen, I told myself to listen. I did the opposite of what Peyton used to do. And, somehow, someway, by by his grace and, you know, I'm a spiritualist, I'm a realist.
Payton:Spiritually, I know who God is, but in reality, I'm down here. I'm grounded. I'm planted. I'm in my flesh. So I have to take day by day, minute by minute for what it really is.
Payton:Mhmm. So that Absolutely. That's definitely resonated with me, in my recovery. So, another thing that I've noticed is helping others stay sober. And a great man told me, that's my mentor, Tony v in Portland, Oregon.
Payton:Helping others stay sober is what keeps me sober. I have not even thought in this 2 years to even go back out. Some people say, that's a lie. Listen. I'm a tell you right now.
Payton:If what you used to do wasn't bad enough, go back out and experiment because this life is great. Because what I used to do was hard. Recovery's been easy for me, and and I'm grateful for that. So
CasieCasem:When you say recovery's been easy for you, getting into recovery wasn't easy. And, actually, was it?
Payton:No. No. Actually, what's funny is, and, and she don't mind, my my mother runs a rehab here in Jacksonville, Florida and was clean for right at we'll just say 9 years for the sake of the interview. Right at 9 years, and, I had been on the street for, right at a year 4 months. And, I was sleeping in some woods, and I got brutally stabbed 13 times.
Payton:And, I
CasieCasem:got just came up and stabbed you?
Payton:Yeah. Yeah. He, he said I would been back there messing with him. And you gotta remember, I'm I'm tussling with I get stabbed. I'm tussling with a guy, and he's yelling while I'm tussling with him.
Payton:And I don't like to really, elaborate on this part, but I did what I had to do to him to get away. That's all I wanna say about that. If you don't know what that means, then too bad. That's just a sense of subject for me right there, and that's Absolutely. About the only thing.
Payton:But, anyway, I got away from him. I got in the hospital. My lungs collapsed. He got me about 10 times in the back, 2 times in the arm, and one time right here on the head. And, anyway, my mother came up there and my family.
Payton:And, of course, me being the selfish addict I was, I cussed everybody out, the doctors, the the chaplain, everybody. Told them I'm going home to Jesus, whatever, however I was feeling. But I survived luckily because, there's a purpose for me. And, the next day, these 2 guys come to my room and said, do you wanna go to Portland, Oregon to a rehab? I'm thinking to myself, well, okay.
Payton:I won't be on the streets no more. I won't be hungry. Sure. Sure. I do.
Payton:And and it wasn't what y'all think. It was I was on the streets for so long, and I was hurting, and I was hungry, and I was just tired that just having a chance to live somewhere, I was really grateful for. Like, the guy told me, months later that got me to Portland because they, they didn't want me to know my mom was helping me because I was resentful at her at the moment. You know? They thought I wouldn't take the help.
Payton:But, he told me months later, he said, you know how I knew you were gonna make it? He says, Payton, I I do this stuff all the time. I go into hospitals and mental institutions and and get people's family members to go to treatment. He says they break down crying. They tell me their story.
Payton:He said, you looked me in the face and said, yeah. I'll go to your rehab, but I'm trying to eat this fucking Jell O, fellas. Mhmm. And, literally, I said it just like that. He said he says, when you told me that, he goes, it gave me a chill.
Payton:He said, and I let you eat your Jell O, and he goes, you never looked back. So, resonating to the point, when I say recovery has been easy for me, remember how I said I I went to the meetings and I listened to people? Well, I listened to people's experience on relapse, and I didn't want that to be a part of my story. And it's like people walk around in fear of relapse, and I and I cannot to even to this moment sitting in this chair beside you, I cannot wrap my head around why should you be afraid of relapse if you have a belief in your higher power or you have a community or you have people that are supporting you day in and day out. But then I have to humble myself and say, Peyton, not that you're special.
Payton:Everybody is an individual, and that's their experience.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:But my experience is is I don't wanna experience relapse, nor do I plan on it.
CasieCasem:A lot of it too is fear of success. People are so afraid that this is the level they've gotten in life, that there is no life beyond this point. Like, how can I be successful after I've gotten to this point? Like, I'm living on the streets. I have nowhere to go.
CasieCasem:I have nowhere to eat. I have no way of getting food other than sustaining food myself, you know, by dumpsters or somebody giving me food. There's no life beyond this point. There's no being able to be successful on my own after I've gotten to this level of basically, that's a failure level. And people are slightly afraid of what their life could be like having the radical difference of being a successful non addict.
Payton:It it definitely is a little overwhelming sometimes. Some days, when I get for example,
Payton:like
Payton:I said, I'm very fortunate. Very, very fortunate. I'll get certain phone calls, and I'm not being funny y'all. And people tell me how great I am. And when I say great, how I'm helping them.
Payton:You know
Payton:what I mean? I'll go to the bathroom, and I'll laugh at myself in the mirror. And I don't mean like that. Like, I'm going, what is going on here? So maybe for me, that's the way, like, am I really this big helping?
Payton:I I mean and y'all all I really am is a man done wrong that's making it right each and every day. And, one thing I want people out there to know is, the only requirement for membership and recovery is a desire to stop drinking or using. Don't ever lose the desire to stop. And I think that's where I've, every day, I just I have this hunger and this desire and this just this passion just to keep going and be the best example of what clean and sober means. I remember one time in, Oregon, my mentor text everybody one day, and he said, what what are you everybody's saying message.
Payton:What are you doing? Some people were doing 12 step work, which is 12 steps to Alcoholics Anonymous. Some people were, taking each other to lunch. Some people were, fellowshipping. And he says, Peyton, what are you doing today?
Payton:And I wasn't being funny. I said, Tony, I'm giving everybody the best example of what clean and sober looks like. And he called me and said, dude, I appreciate, you know, what you bring to the table because, you know, I've had a lot of people in recovery tell me that my sobriety wasn't gonna make it. Yeah. I've had people in recovery tell me, you know, you just can't be a mentor without being certified.
Payton:You literally can. When people come up and they label you their mentor, who am I to stop them? If I'm helping people for the greater good and I'm not hurting no one Yeah. Because I have a theory. When you're walking through the forest and you get towards in and you look behind you and it's not set on fire, you're doing okay.
Payton:Yeah. So that definitely, yeah, that definitely, is a big thing for me when people come to me. And, it it it gives me a fear when people tell me I'm doing good. Not that I'm gonna fail. Just like, is this real?
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:You know? Like, did I really just help that person? Me? Because, I mean, I mean, I cut trees for a living, y'all. And then I'm I'm I'm helping people with drug addiction.
Payton:Like, wow.
CasieCasem:Yeah. Like, there's actually a a line that's connected to the dots, like, why it worked out the way that it did. Let me ask you. You said earlier that your mom was clean and sober for about 9 years now.
Payton:Yes.
CasieCasem:So seeing your mom go through stuff like that, that didn't have a one of those things where you just it's a taboo? Like, you don't wanna be around it? Like, that didn't stop you at all?
Payton:No. I believe addiction's like, don't matter if you're middle class, poor class, high class, etcetera,
Payton:etcetera, if it wants you to
CasieCasem:get you. Now I believe in
Payton:a heaven and hell, on my own terms though, the way that I I believe it. If the devil wants you, he's gonna use addiction. So, like, when I see my mom going through addiction growing up, even when you're a child and you're innocent, you could still be cocky.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:I thought it would never happen to me, literally. I said one time, I'll never smoke crack cocaine. Well, I don't sure did because of my mother's, addiction. And when she got sober now she got sober when I was about 19, so that was in 09. If I remember correctly, give or take, I told her good for you.
Payton:Cool. Just stay sober. Whatever. And I moved on because from her actions growing up, I didn't have her around. So why have her around now?
Payton:And not in the meanwhile. I just was used to not having her around. So, some people wake up early. Some people wake up in the middle, and some people wake up towards the end, I guess. And, that's that's just what it took.
Payton:You know what I mean? It takes what it takes. I don't believe in luck. I believe in divine luck. I don't believe in coincidence.
Payton:I believe in divine coincidence. Yeah. And that's, you know, neither here nor there. It's just, if my mother didn't do her addiction for 15 years and get sober when she did, she wouldn't been in the position where she's at to get me sent the organ.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:And, sometimes that's looking at the brighter side of things. Sometimes that's being a little some people say overdramatic. No. That's just what it literally is. So, you know, if my mother never hurt
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:And went through her trials and tribulations, she wouldn't be able to send me because I didn't go to Portland for rehab. I went to Portland for recovery. I went to Portland for connection.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:I went
Payton:there to learn a different type of recovery that we simply don't have here in the south, seriously, and we don't. So recovery that we simply don't have here in the south, seriously, and we don't. So, yeah, her doing what she did literally had no effect on my choices, you know, growing up whatsoever. Yeah. So when did you now I knew about you when we were teenagers.
CasieCasem:We actually Yeah. You now I knew about you when we were teenagers. We actually if anything, we've we've grown up together in the same part of town, and we've connected by having several connections. We actually went to the same church together. So I knew about Payton when I was younger, but I never got to know Peyton.
CasieCasem:We weren't in the same group of friends. We didn't know each other, in that way. But I knew you when we were teenagers. And, you know, typical skater guy that was west side of Jacksonville, you know, went to normal high schools. Nothing, you know, abnormal about you when it came to your appearance on the outside and seeing you, you know, in a crowded group of people.
CasieCasem:So what triggered you getting into your drug of choice? And what was your drug of choice?
Payton:What triggered me to basically do drugs? I've said this before. I'm gonna say it to you just like I've said it before. I fucked up one day, and I smoked a joint and drunk a Budweiser. And I broke my subbrile boundary, which means, before that, I never really knew what being high or intoxicated meant.
Payton:You know, as kids, you might get a head rush or get light headed or something. That's the closest thing you feel to what we technically think is a high. But, after I, you know, smoked the joint in the Budweiser, in high school, it was normal, you know, after wrestling season because I was a wrestler. It was normal on the weekends to go go out, you know, on the west side of Jacksonville to these fields and, party and drink. And, oh, it's just harmless.
Payton:I'm a let everybody know right now. Marijuana can be a gateway drug. It gets a person high. Now I'm not gonna argue with you people about does it have medicinal purposes. If it helps people with their, cerebral palsy, if it helps people with cancer, that's fine.
Payton:Tell them to use it. But I'm talking about it still gets an individual high. Like, today, right now in front of you, if I was to drink a beer or if I was to smoke a joint, I would just go smoke crack cocaine or snort heroin. Now, mind you, my deal was is I have smoked and snorted every drug you can think of, not including any mushrooms, done acid. So, you know, I just have addicted personality.
Payton:Anything I do, I'm pretty much good at. Like I was telling you earlier, you know, I I was really good at being bad. Yeah. Now today, I'm really good at being good. You know?
Payton:So, that being said, I broke my sobriety boundary. And I believe we all have 1, and some peoples are, higher than others. You know? I got friends right now that are normal and functioning, and they pay their bills, and their life's not chaotic, and they do some stuff they shouldn't do. And I don't know how they do it.
Payton:But I don't care how they do it because I know what Peyton's supposed to do. And Peyton's supposed to stay clean and sober on a day to day, month by month, year by year basis. So, yeah, that's what triggered me. Just a couple friends. You know?
Payton:Some of us got some pot. We took some pot from our parents straight up. I went to the store. I think I was the one that got the Budweiser from the store. I called some bum to get it for us and, whatever.
Payton:And we all met at the lake, and, that's what initially started my drug of choice. Now, I stayed on pain pills for years. I thought they gave me energy. I thought they made me work better.
CasieCasem:Then So you did so you started with the joint and the Budweiser. Mhmm. And then you graduated to pain pills?
Payton:Exactly. Just just somebody's like, hey. Try this one day. It was a little pill. It was, Roxy.
Payton:It was when the opioid epidemic really hit Florida hard, when the people were doctor shopping. Everybody knows what I'm talking about. And, I'm looking on my ego. At that time, I was about 19. I've been doing mixed martial arts that I was a wrestler in high school, and I'm thinking, oh, that little pill won't do nothing to me.
Payton:Well, it didn't do nothing to me, but made me feel good. So what I thought, I battled that for about 4 years. I went to jail. Nothing major, but I got put on probation. And when I got off probation, me and my friend, I was about 21, 23 ish, something like that.
Payton:Anyway, I battled with this off and on. And just one day out of the blue, my buddy's like, move in with me. We're gonna start skateboarding again. And we're we're in our literally our early twenties, but you gotta get off those pills. It took me about 6 months living with him, but I got off the pills.
Payton:And at that point in my life, I was able to say no to a line of cocaine. I was able to say no. I'm not dropping acid tonight. No. I'm not drinking those beers.
Payton:I gotta work tomorrow. If I wanna drink, I could drink. If I wanted to smoke, I could smoke. If I wanted to snort something, I could. For some reason, I had an on and off switch.
Payton:But, I met a woman, and, out of respect for her, I keep some of the story, to a close Yeah. Out of respect. We got together. She had a daughter and a son. He was 12 months old.
Payton:He's 7 years old now, and he's my son to this day. Me and her no longer together, but he is my baby. He calls me dad, and I potty dream and all. But I got her pregnant, and we, we went through an abortion. Let's just say, it affected me a lot worse at the time.
Payton:And, I decided, I had been off those, the roxy OxyContin pills, for a whole, shoot, a whole year or so, maybe 2, whatever. Not a a a smooth amount of time. Now I had done other stuff
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:But I was able to turn it off. Those I battle with, it is what it is.
CasieCasem:Yeah. Okay. Thanks.
Payton:Yeah. And I remember I was crying one day, and she said, what what what can I do to make it feel better? And I was like, can, can I get some I I remember I gave her my paycheck to pay some bills. And I remember telling her, can I get some money? I wanna go do a a Roxy.
Payton:She's like, yeah. Sure. Whatever. Because I was crying. And I and people say, no.
Payton:It wasn't her fault. She just
Payton:did what
CasieCasem:enabling. Yeah.
Payton:She just did
CasieCasem:what you asked her to do with it.
Payton:Literally. And, that's where we fucked up. So it went back to the same old thing. I kept snorting Roxy, snorting Roxy's.
CasieCasem:That became a Band Aid for your bullet hole. No.
Payton:For a shotgun one, really. Yeah. Let me tell you. Yeah. Kept doing that, trying to help her raise her kids and all.
Payton:And I and I, you know, I was, I was a terrible stepfather to him, but now I'm a good father to my son. And like I just told y'all, I I get him every weekend now whenever I want to. And, he is my baby, and I thank God for him all the time. But I don't stay sober for him. I stay sober for me.
Payton:Because if I don't keep me first, everyone I know in love comes last. But, I got into snorting heroin because,
CasieCasem:Snorting heroin.
Payton:Yeah. You can snort heroin. You can smoke it. You can inject it. Like I said, I've never injected nothing.
Payton:I just didn't want to. I just, for for me, this this is how the AtticEye was. That takes too long to to I I watch my friends do it. I would snort mine or I'd smoke mine in a piece of tin foil with a straw. Like, it's it's crazy.
Payton:And, reason being is at first, I'm like, no. I want I want a Roxy pill. Blah blah blah. Well, finally, those were not around, and this is all you could get. And it was cheaper, and it gave you the same effect, maybe longer, maybe faster.
Payton:It is it gave me what I wanted.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:You know? I'm not gonna get into the politics of that. Yeah. Gave me what
CasieCasem:I wanted. Even
Payton:how do
CasieCasem:you even get that connection? Like, how do you get a
Payton:Comes with a territory. Yeah. It just it's like this. If if if you can find crack, you can find heroin. If you can find heroin, you can find meth.
Payton:If you can find meth, you can find mushrooms. The drug world is connected because it's all about getting high.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:Because I was getting high to fill that wound that I lost my child. Then, eventually, I was just getting high to get high. Yeah. Period point blank. Felt better
CasieCasem:at that point.
Payton:Yeah. Like And
CasieCasem:then you felt horrible when you weren't high.
Payton:Yeah. I felt, no. Yeah. Yeah. No.
Payton:I had my seasons to where I felt, I put I put my family and her through through some shit. Basically, I gave them a 1st class ticket to add it. If, if I could steal money out of her purse, if I could take money, from my grandparent's property, like, you know, pawn and stuff, stealing metal, I did it. And, just because I'm admitting this y'all doesn't make it right. And just because I'm making up for it doesn't make it right.
Payton:Right.
Payton:I'm just a man doing wrong that's making it right, you know, one day at a time. But, that being said, it was just it really resonated with me one day. It got to the point to where it was just normal for me to get high. You know, we look for reasons. Okay.
Payton:My boss was a dickhead. My wife was a bitch. Blah blah blah blah blah. When I was breathing, that was my reason to get high. Yeah.
Payton:You get what I'm saying? So that's what all correlates to. Well, eventually, her and I decided to, not pay for our apartment, and she go live with her mom. I live with a friend. Now we're still together.
Payton:Whatever. Yeah. That's when I became chronically homeless, and that's when my eyes opened up. And, when I say homeless, I mean sleeping on Beaver Street, McDuff, Edgewood Avenue, Normandy Boulevard. I just just became homeless.
Payton:And, it was just a revolving door walking around, asking people, k. Will you work me? Can I work? Can I work? Yeah.
Payton:I asked for handouts here and there. I'm not gonna lie. But, I was really good. Thank god I have, some type of room about me. People felt, I guess, bad for me.
Payton:They'd work me and all, and I get what I needed. And I I lived in a drug dealer's backyard for a long time, and, nothing against him. He treated me, kinda okay. I know that sounds messed up, but, you just have to know what I know, and I'll, Yeah. But one day, I had to get away from him, and I ripped him off, for, like, $100 just so I knew I couldn't go back to him.
Payton:Something woke me up and said, Payton, you're gonna die here. And it was, over off of McDuff Avenue, a rough area to be a a white young male living in. I'm just gonna be honest with y'all. Somewhere you, you really shouldn't be. And that's what's crazy is I fit in, so I thought.
Payton:But, anyway, I got away from there, and, I came back to in my neighborhood in Jacksonville. And, I was looking for a friend of mine, named Bobby Lamons, but we called him Bobby Boucher. And, they told me, Peyton, Bobby's dead. I said, no. No.
Payton:He's not. Where's he at? I don't know. I need to I need I need to stay with him. You know?
Payton:He was that friend I could always stay with. Yeah. We loved each other. And, they said, dude, he, he overdoes. He's shopping over us.
Payton:I said, no. He didn't. We me and him made a promise to each other back when we were first doing drugs, literally, that we would never shoot up. And, we thought we were better than you. We we and I and, It
CasieCasem:couldn't happen to me if I don't shoot it up. Right?
Payton:Exactly. I've never and I've just never experienced a OED. People say, well, you weren't doing it right. Trust me. I was doing it right.
Payton:Trust me. It just wasn't, wasn't meant to. And, that's the day I quit heroin. I quit opiates. I quit heroin.
Payton:But, see, I was still in the jungle. I still wanna get high, and, I experimented with crack one time, one day on a rainy day.
CasieCasem:That's all I took. And,
Payton:I didn't touch it again. But, see, I made a promise I'm not gonna do heroin, so I went and found somebody that had crack. I'm like, oh, I've done this before. Well, it really hits the 2nd time. It's it's a true thing.
Payton:When people smoke crack cocaine the first time, they don't usually get that high. Mhmm. It's some weird thing. Don't I don't know what it is. The second time I did it, I was I was hooked, and I smoked it for about 4 months straight.
Payton:And, what's funny is is I started making better dumb decisions. I had this theory where I'll just work throughout the week, and I'll rent this room from somebody, finally. And then I'll smoke crack on Saturday nights, and then that's it.
CasieCasem:Yeah. Just on the weekend.
Payton:Just on the week. Like, finally, after 4 after 10 years of drug addiction, after 4 years of putting her through hell, a year almost a year and 2 months on the street, the last 4 months of that, finally, I'm trying to get my shit together. I remember my dad came up to me on, he worked me one day. You know, he has a a stucco company, and, we're working one day. He said, man, look.
Payton:I don't know what you've been doing, but, keep keep doing it. You've been acting different. I'm thinking, well, I switched my drug of choice up. You know? Yeah.
Payton:Like Oh my goodness. I know. I know. No. That's that's that's what's crazy, that really happened, and it just it just amazes me.
Payton:Well, anyway, somebody in my neighborhood, Pat, this older black man, he always mentored me, and he loves me. And he's always always he's always actually looked up to me knowing that I respect him. Like, he knew I had this power about me, and he found me. And he said, hey. You wanna come stay with me for about 2 weeks?
Payton:And, anyway, he dropped me off a gateway here. It's, like, basically a free detox here in Jacksonville, you know, for detox and recovery? And, they were supposed to have a bed, and it's 1st come, 1st serve. By the time we got over there, the bed was gone. Well, whatever.
Payton:I had $5 on me. I bumped into somebody. I knew I made the 5 turn into $20 because his attics were, you know, master manipulators.
CasieCasem:Yeah. You bumped into somebody you knew at the recovery place?
Payton:No. Just down the street at the gas station. Just the way everything correlates what's fitting to be to the punch line of my story. So long story short, I go into the neighborhood. I used to do drugs and off of McDuff that I told you I got away from, and I got me some crack cocaine because that's what I was doing at the time.
Payton:And, I walked for a while. I walked in a big circle with it. And, I just wanna I said to myself, I just wanna do this somewhere comfortable where nobody can see me, legitly, because, usually, I didn't care.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:And then I wanna go to I wanna go to detox tomorrow. I wanna go to gateway tomorrow.
CasieCasem:Yeah. Like, I wanna enjoy my last high.
Payton:Straight up.
CasieCasem:I wanna enjoy it.
Payton:Tide on good.
CasieCasem:Yeah. You
Payton:know what I mean? Yeah. And, that's where I went into those woods. And I got in those woods, and I was so tired. I said, Payton, save this shit for in the morning.
Payton:Blast it all up in the morning, and then walk down their gateway. So next thing thing I know, I'm sleeping like this. And I think everybody knows, like, you you know, when you're sleeping in your house and you still hear your kids running around, but
CasieCasem:you are
Payton:sleeping. Yeah. I heard somebody walking up on me, but, you know, I'm I'm the Marietta Savage from Marietta. I'm a West Sabbath. I don't care.
Payton:Maybe it's the police. Maybe they're taking me to jail. Cool. It'd be better. I I didn't care if I went to jail.
CasieCasem:Right. Better than sleeping in this field right
Payton:now. And, next thing I know, my first reaction, I always tell this part of my story just like this because it's why I felt I thought I was getting stung by, like, bees or ground hornets. You know? What was a man stabbing me in the back with a knife? And like I said before, as I'm getting up fighting for my life, he said, you've been back here messing with me, and I'll never forget as I looked in square in the eyes.
Payton:He said, oh, shit. I said, yeah. I'm gonna hurt you and go get an ambulance.
CasieCasem:So he realized then he was wrong.
Payton:Yeah. He was wrong. Yeah. It wasn't.
Payton:He was
CasieCasem:stabbing the wrong person.
Payton:Yeah.
CasieCasem:So this happened the night that you were supposed to go to recovery Mhmm. But they didn't have an open bed.
Payton:They didn't have an open bed. And, 2 nights before, when I was living with Pat, I was in my neighborhood. And, I took a long walk with just a walk, and I ended up on Edgewood Avenue. I stopped. I hit my knees.
Payton:I said, god, if you give me a way out of this, I will pay it back tenfold, and I walked back. Literally. Had nothing better to
CasieCasem:do. Right.
Payton:So then fast forward to the little fight. Like I told you before, I I not even I did what I had to do. I get out to Edgewood and Dignity, which is right by Edgewood and Beaver. And, this lady saves saves my life, and this man pulls over and calls the police. We remind you, I had to hop a fence, all kinds of stuff.
Payton:And, yeah, my my lung was collapsed. I'm bleeding. My my bicep right here was sticking out about that much, everything. And, that's what ultimately, got me to Portland was, those, you know, change events. You know, me realizing my friend was dead and me choosing not to do heroin.
Payton:Me, I started making better dumb decisions towards the end of my addiction. Like, they were still dumb, but they were better than what I made. And, you know, like I said, there was a reason for me to go to Portland. There is something about Portland Recovery. It is different.
CasieCasem:Well, what's different about I've I've heard you say that so many times already. What is different that they offer in Portland than what we offer here?
Payton:Well, I'll go ahead and tell you like this. It's like this. Here, it's either death
CasieCasem:Mhmm.
Payton:AA Mhmm. NA. There's only 2 SMART Recovery meetings to my knowledge. There's, no four d, which, I'm a part of. I'm affiliated with it.
Payton:4 d is a clean and safe sober environment for young adults to hang out at and adults. But when we say young adults from the ages, I wanna say don't quote me on this one. Y'all can look it up. We'll say 18 to 35. We can provide you services through the county.
Payton:Mhmm. Okay? And you can get a recovery mentor, and, they meet with you. And, it's, I believe you can have a mentor there on the books for a year and a half. And 4 d gets money to keep their doors open where they can have 12 step means.
Payton:They can have non 12 step means. We see, to me, it's a recovery hub. Yeah. So every all walks of life, religion, your sexual preferences, everybody's met there. You know?
Payton:And, 4 d become a big part of my program, if not my whole program.
CasieCasem:So is that like an inpatient or outpatient? Or
Payton:It's a community, I'm glad that you asked that. It's a community resource center. So, like, let's say one day, for example, your boss call and said you have the day off. Right?
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:Well, let's say your job is a big part of your recovery because it keeps you
Payton:busy. Right.
Payton:Well, bam, I can go down to
CasieCasem:4 d. So
Payton:yeah. Volunteer. Hey. Mop the floors, clean the bathroom, set chairs Stay busy.
CasieCasem:Stay busy. Or
Payton:maybe I'm looking for a new job, and I could put in a resume on my day off there because I don't own a computer. Mhmm. You know, just the simple little things. Just a place to come. It's like this.
Payton:I believe like this. If you're in Portland, Oregon and you're able to go to 4 d, there's no reason to relapse because 4 d's doors are open.
CasieCasem:24 hours a day?
Payton:Well, not 24 hours yet. I believe we're gonna get there. During the weekday, I believe, it's open from 3 to 12 at night, 12 midnight, which is pretty good.
CasieCasem:Yeah. That is good.
Payton:Yeah. And then the weekends, it's like 9 AM to 12 at night AM. Okay. So it
CasieCasem:is a all day source.
Payton:Exactly. It's it's it's it's like it's like the support you need.
CasieCasem:Safe house that you can go to.
Payton:Exactly. For your meetings. They let everybody's ideas be brought to life there. They have a a meeting called Sounds of Recovery, which people come in and do guitar, poetry Yeah. Art.
Payton:They'll come to show you what
CasieCasem:you to different expressions of, like, outlets that you have that showing you that there's life beyond this point. Like, showing you other stuff to do.
Payton:Well, it's like this. I I, you know you know, I, you see my videos on Facebook. Right? And I introduce myself as the shake and bake of sobriety. You know?
CasieCasem:That That confirmed you.
Payton:I wanted
CasieCasem:to ask you that.
Payton:Well, like this. I have a theory. Keep your life recovery related because your life isn't supposed to be all about recovery. Recovery gives you a
Payton:life. Mhmm.
Payton:So, I've seen what I didn't want in recovery. I didn't wanna have to rely on a meeting every single day of my life. Now mind you, stop. If you're out there and that's what you have to do to stay sober, by all means, do it.
CasieCasem:Yeah. Everybody's different.
Payton:Everybody is.
Payton:Is everybody different? Yeah. But the shake and bake thing is, one day in Portland, I got off work and I was a block mason because, you know, I worked with Mudd with my dad, so it kinda correlated. And I said, you know what? I'm not gonna do nothing.
Payton:I'm gonna go by the gym. I'm gonna soak in the hot tub, though, and I'm gonna go home. I'm not even hitting the meat or nothing. Then my conscience hit me. Peyton, you have to do something for your recovery.
Payton:How can you keep your day recovery related? And not just a self care thing.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:I said, you you know, it's not normal for you not to go to a meeting today. And it hit me. I was watching Talladega Nights of Ricky Bobby, and I don't know if y'all ever seen that movie where he says a part in there where, you know, he's like, I like my Jesus to party too.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:And I thought, how could I make that part recovery related? And I'm sitting here thinking to myself. Now mind you, I'm sober. I'm in my head. Anytime that you've partied, that you've drank and drove, that you went to a drug dealer's house, that you left a trap house, and you survived or you survived the overdose, Jesus was parting with you to get you to this point in recovery.
Payton:There's no doubt in my mind. Yeah. You give us
CasieCasem:safe. Protection. Like, that's a Yeah. Yeah. Simple protection, man.
Payton:And to get back to how I got shake and bake is I brought that up in a meeting, and I said shake and bake, and I told him my theory on how I can make anything recovery related. I took the most stupidest part of my day, a comedy movie, and I got something intimate out of it. That Jesus does party. He just don't get fucked up. You know what I mean?
Payton:So that's how shake and bake came along, and then people gave me the nickname there, you know, shake and bake. And, I just kept sharing. You know? And, the more I shared and the more outspoken I was about things, the more raw and vulnerable I was, other young men followed. And I just I just had this this this pull to me that, you know, people you know, like, I told one time I I was getting I was kinda cocky.
Payton:I was like, I was like, everybody want a piece of my shit this week. I said Gatorade call, but I hadn't turned it down because it wasn't recovery related. You know? So I I have a way to flip things, and, you know, I want recovery to be fun. And, I'm not saying that, you know, doing step work or going to meetings isn't fun, but there's a life outside of that.
Payton:So, you know, even while I'm cutting trees, even while I'm at the gym, even while I'm shopping, I keep my life recovery late. If I could tell somebody that I'm a recovering addict, that right there alone is subject to look at this example. You know? So that's that's how the shake and bake thing came along. It was just just,
CasieCasem:a Just stuck.
Payton:Yeah. Like, it it wows me. So
CasieCasem:That's awesome. So when we were talking earlier about your drug of choice, and we, like, kinda talked about how it built up and it built up and it built up. So we basically went from the gateway to the continuation of then we go into pain pills, and then you start getting into crack. Like, how do you go from that's a drastic feel.
Payton:Oh, well, you start, the more you graduate in this world, the more obviously, the more you've lost, the more you've felt, the more you feel, like the victim. 1, I was playing the victim. Yeah. Everybody was wrong but me. Everybody was out to get me.
Payton:Nobody cares about Payton. Who gives a damn? And, when, you know, when we're doing the devil's work, he's on vacation.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:So while he was on vacation, I'm sitting. I'm doing his work, and I'm just poisoning myself. And, you get to a point to where you ain't got no money, but somebody's got a little bit of meth right there, and it's free. Well, okay. I'll smoke a little bit of meth.
Payton:Why not? It's free. It'll give me a high. Mhmm. You know?
Payton:Some people that were fortunate enough just to do their drug of choice, good for them, but I was basically like, what you got?
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:But if you had to ask me truthfully what would be my drug of choice, it would be crack cocaine.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:Even though I technically did, they opioids way longer. Yeah. It just knowing what I know now, where I'm at now, I just know that would be my downfall. But, how it's just, addiction's just a legit roller coaster that goes way up, and then it just keeps going down. Yeah.
Payton:You know?
CasieCasem:Like, I've heard now thank god. We talked about this earlier. I have not been down that path. I've struggled. My depression was an addiction in itself.
CasieCasem:So thank god I haven't had to go through that course of life. But when you're when you're at that point, I've heard that the high lasts nowhere as long as the coming off of it. Well Like, the like, you get high, and then when you're coming down off of that high, it makes you such a sick that, like, you just wanna continue.
Payton:Oh, yeah. It it also looks like this. It's also like this. For people out there, yeah, opiates, you will go through physical withdrawals where you're throwing up diarrhea, cold sweats, hot feeling hot and cold, all that stuff. Crack cocaine, there's there's no physical withdrawal from.
Payton:It might be mental withdrawal, but if anybody says that they physically withdraw crack, they're a liar, and they're not doing crack. I promise you that.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:So, that's why I was able man, I tell you, I was able to make better, dumb decisions with that drug. I don't whatever.
CasieCasem:Because people couldn't tell basically from the outside that you were
Payton:Yeah. Yeah. But believe it or not, it just was I was able to say, hey. I'm gonna do it on this day. Uh-huh.
Payton:So other days a week, I'm eating food. What I normally didn't do when I was on heroin.
CasieCasem:Yeah. Because you were hungry.
Payton:Yeah. You I was hungry.
Payton:I had
CasieCasem:an afternoon.
Payton:That Saturday night, let me tell you. I was blasting off, they call it, and, you know, rocket man. You know what I mean? Yeah. To the moon.
Payton:So, the coming down, you never wanna come down. So as a addict, you find every nook and cranny, every available resource. You tell every lie, every scheme. Mhmm. Maybe sometimes you tell the truth.
Payton:Sometimes telling the truth to people
CasieCasem:Yeah. Breaks their heart enough that they'll get
Payton:their help. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever it takes
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:To to keep that high going. You know? And like I said, to keep that roller coaster going down because even though you're going down and it's a continuous drop, you're still dropping.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:You know what I mean? And, for me, rock bottom wasn't getting stabbed. It wasn't losing my son. And, you know, he's my stepson, but he's still my baby. You know?
Payton:Right. Right. It was one night, I slept in a a dip in a field covered up with a wooden pallet, and it was misty rainy. For some reason, that stuck with me more than anything. I mean, I've stored money out of my grandma's purse.
CasieCasem:Is where we've gotten to this point. Like, I'm in the grass in the rain, and this
Payton:is With a wooden pallet for a blanket. Like like like like I said, I have stole money straight out my grandma's purse when she's walked away. No. Does not compare, but but we're all individuals.
Payton:Right.
Payton:It just that's what stuck. That's that I can't remember exactly when that correlated, but it was around the time that I was trying to get back to my neighborhood Mhmm. You know, to get away from the badder neighborhood I was in.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:So it just it was crazy, but that was definitely one of my rock bottom moments. And I, you know, I believe that, all those rock bottom moments we have lead to one big smackdown. Oh, yeah. You know? Yeah.
Payton:Like, if that doesn't do it, you're
CasieCasem:gonna keep being, you
Payton:know, stubborn about
CasieCasem:not wanting to
Payton:do the
CasieCasem:right thing and not wanting to see that you have stuff that's gotta be corrected in your life. You're gonna continue to get things to smack you and discipline me and let you know, like, hey. Take you behind the woodshed and
Payton:Yeah. No.
CasieCasem:Straighten me out.
Payton:Well, that's that's another thing in my recovery. Like, I work with people, and I've had friends in Oregon that are and I and I and I don't know them. They they're real spiritually enlightened and all that, and they've called me a light worker, but with a little bit of a John Wayne attitude.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:A little Clint Eastwood in me. And they can't and there's no
CasieCasem:definite tell you what to do if you don't do it. Like, that's
Payton:there's like, I was telling you earlier, there's somebody that today I've I've kinda I'm a ride off for a little while because I've I put time and money into them. And when I say money, my gas, bought them food, and all that. And,
CasieCasem:Right. Well, you have to show people that, yeah, you are a source for addicts to come to you and understand there is a recovery point, but at the same time, you're not there's a difference between being used for what you're a source for and taking advantage
Payton:of. No. Exactly. Exactly. So, some people don't like that I conduct myself this way.
Payton:I'm a I'm a be real with y'all. All I'm doing now is what I was supposed to be doing, but plus helping people.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:So, you know, I'm paying my bills. I'm truthful to a fault. Let's be real. You know, nobody's perfect. But what I'm saying is is, I'm not doing nothing I already been supposed to be doing.
CasieCasem:Yeah. You're just telling people, hey. This is the road that I took to get here.
Payton:Yeah.
CasieCasem:And if you're on the same road, I'll show you where the exit is.
Payton:Real quick. Because a lot of mine has been integrity, truth, and my clean time. See, I wear my clean time like a badge of fucking honor. Yeah. 12, 13, 17 days.
Payton:It is
CasieCasem:a badge of honor.
Payton:And, people don't take that seriously. And, for each day you got clean, there's somebody dying for that day. Yep. And there's people, like there's somebody right now, y'all. I'm telling you right now that somewhere doing some type of drug, we even gotta narrow it, that's begging theirself to not do it.
Payton:They're really they're really if they if they get that
CasieCasem:Somebody would just be that person that could get me out of here. Somebody would just give me that hand. If somebody would just give me a couch to stay on and show me that there is a possibility for me to be clean and have a successful life and show me, like, a mirror image of what I would be if I wasn't doing this. That's where I wanna be right now.
Payton:They'd be sitting right here talking to you
CasieCasem:right now,
Payton:I believe. And, those are the heroes. Those are the warriors. Those are the people that, you know, continue to fight because, see, in my act of addiction, obviously, I used to run with the devil. Mhmm.
Payton:Well, it got so bad that I started running from him.
Payton:Yeah.
CasieCasem:You know
Payton:what I mean?
Payton:It got
Payton:I got sick of it. I started running from me. Now the pain that you see today, when I wake up and my feet hit the floor Mhmm. He goes, fuck. Who is he gonna help today?
Payton:There's a battlefield out there, and I'm on the front line. And this is how I conduct myself. And I'm charging at him
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:With god, not above me, not below me, not in front of him, beside me, hand in hand. Right. And we me and him go to war every day against him. I'm no longer afraid of him. And people say, oh, no.
Payton:No. No. No. To me
CasieCasem:I've been there. Yeah. I've already done it. Like, I know what it's like.
Payton:When people say that's a little too cocky, you need to be humble, I'm a be honest with you.
CasieCasem:I do
Payton:not like the word humble. Yeah. Let me tell you why humble is a insurance for people that
CasieCasem:are afraid
Payton:to fail. Yeah. It's, well, hey. I was humble about it. No.
Payton:No. No. I was confident in this, and I went on ahead strong as hard as I could, but I failed. And I hope I don't fail you. I really do.
Payton:But we're not there yet, and, hopefully, we don't ever have to be there. Right. I believe you have to retrain your your thought process. Mine is I can and I will. Yeah.
Payton:Mine is is, I don't tell for example, I tell people, I'm gonna keep it real with you. I'm gonna tell you the truth. I don't tell people I'm gonna keep it 100 with you because you could subtract from 100.
Payton:Mhmm. But you
Payton:can't take away from the truth.
CasieCasem:You know
Payton:what I mean? Yeah. You can always keep it real with somebody. Yeah. So I have retrained my mindset to forward go, don't look back.
Payton:Basically, I told people like this. My life's a train, and I don't mean to crazy train. I mean, it's a train. And on this train, there stops. You can get off at the next stop, or you can get on.
Payton:It doesn't matter. And guess what? Just because you get off don't mean I might not come back around and pick you back up.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:But while I'm on this train, it's a train of being positive. It's a train of uplifting, of, you know, brotherhood, sisterhood, of just fellowship, of, you know, exchanging knowledge. You know? Some people say, well, Peyton, you know, you're hard to talk to. I'm like, well, I know a lot of people talking to me.
Payton:No. It's you want me to con
CasieCasem:you slack. Yeah.
Payton:To give you slack. There there's no slack because I I haven't gave myself no slack because they have a saying in recovery. Don't take yourself so seriously. That was my problem. Yeah.
Payton:I never took myself seriously. I've sold myself short and everything in skateboarding, bass fishing. When I said that, I could've went to tournaments with people and probably been a good bass. I could've went to skate contest, but I didn't take myself to you. Wrestling, got in that fight.
Payton:You know what I mean? Could've maybe went to college. Maybe. Who knows? Who cares?
Payton:MMA, I never took myself seriously. But since I've took my sit my my recovery seriously Yeah. My life has been
Payton:stopping you. Exactly. Like, that's the most important
Payton:thing is, Exactly.
CasieCasem:Like, that's the most important thing is being a recovering addict. Like and and now you see, hey. All these other doors, maybe they shut, but there's one open. And this is where I'm headed now. Like, that's incredible that you have gotten so much good out of it, though, still.
Payton:I mean, it it kinda scares me some days when I say I get I mean, when when I say him get scared, it it I I go I ask myself, why am I not I'm struggling, not struggling.
CasieCasem:Yeah. I don't know if
Payton:that makes sense. I was I was so used to struggling. Now I'm struggling. It's simple like this. What is is is, and what will work out will work out.
Payton:Yeah. I cannot change something that I can't get to until it till I get there. Yeah. You know? So I just literally take it day by day.
Payton:I mean, literally, though.
CasieCasem:Yeah. Like, I heard a I heard a quote once about how an addict will do all of these things to make sure that they had that quench. Mhmm. You know? What will you do if you did all that to be an addict, what would you do to be sober?
Payton:You you know what's funny? And, my own father said this, and I I'm gonna say it out loud, and it's not even being funny. He's a grown straight male, but he looked me in the eyes. He said, you know, son, if somebody told me I had to suck a grown man's dick to get you sober, I would have done it.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:Now if if if that don't give you chills, if you don't understand, you know, the love for somebody or how bad this is, I've never heard him talk like that.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:And he didn't say it to me to be funny. He was serious.
CasieCasem:But that's real. Addiction is so real, and it's so heartbreaking because it's a it's always with somebody that like, that's a person. That's a family member. That's a son. That's a brother.
CasieCasem:That's a mom. That's a you know, that is a person. And that like, people still let you still matter. There's so much good. Like, there's so much person purpose that that person has that they've just left themselves out.
CasieCasem:They haven't taken themselves seriously That like you say. Woah. And then you get to the part when you're like, I I can't get any better from here. Like, I I just can't. Like, there is no life beyond this point.
CasieCasem:I might I've already gone down this hall. I might as well just keep going. Like, I might as well just keep you know, what else? What else? Just keep it going.
CasieCasem:You know? And and it takes so much away from the people that love you. Like, it it just it it doesn't take that pain away. It adds more pain to the people around you. And to have those people that you see in the streets and they're just they're homeless.
CasieCasem:They have nothing left. Like, that is a human being that has a lifeline to other people that has an impact and a purpose that they still they were born for this reason, and they don't see that within themselves. And to be able to have your family look at you and say, no matter what you're going through, you still matter to me. Like, you you still matter, and you still have people that want you to be in recovery. There's still
Payton:I mean, I had, I run my own, underground mentor service. And, I provide certain services for free, and there are certain services that I'm a compensated for because I go above and beyond. I won't get into that. That's between me and my client's business. And and I'm a 100% that I have I've had no negative, results.
Payton:No.
Payton:But, one of their mothers said to me, she says, you know, I've experienced this with someone close to her. I'm gonna leave some details out. You know? Somebody very close to her. And she said to me, she goes, but and this made me feel good, but this is what she directed to, where I'm at.
Payton:Like you said, my life line and what I'm about and, you know, how I was recovering that or how I was an addict to a recovering addict. But she said, you know, if I had to picture somebody that was cured, and they say we're never cured. I kinda disagree, but whatever. I don't look at addiction as a disease. I look it as a chemical dependency.
Payton:Yeah. But but if this group over here wants to look at the disease, but they wanna do something good for it, I'll agree with it because I don't care about the problem. I'm about the solution. Yeah. But back to what I'm saying, She says, you have recovered in my eyes so well, so good that if you were to mess up tomorrow, I would lose faith in my loved one that you're helping.
Payton:Yeah. And I went
CasieCasem:Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. I went I'm gonna be honest with you. Completely real straight up.
CasieCasem:Demi Lovato was one of my favorite singers. Like, I will jam some Demi Lovato, and when she relapsed, it broke my heart. I don't even know her. If she were to cut she wouldn't know who I was from Adam, you know? But to see somebody doing so good, and to see somebody making such a good impact and doing like, you're doing good.
CasieCasem:Like, you are, you know, 80 miles an hour down the freeway. Just nothing stopping you, and then you're gonna stop yourself. That's
Payton:Well
CasieCasem:That's horrible. It's heartbreaking.
Payton:Well, it's weird that you say that. I try to tell people. I've tried to explain to my my my my my my family is happy for me. Yeah. They really are.
Payton:My mother understands addiction and recovery because she's in it. Okay? My other family, they don't. Not calling y'all out. They they don't.
Payton:Yeah. Sorry.
CasieCasem:They don't understand why you started in the first place.
Payton:But at the same time, I've explained to them. I said, do y'all know how good y'all have it with me in my 1st 2 years versus other? I said, there are people that have broke their family's heart worse in recovery than they did in acts of addiction. Yeah. Because you build up 90 days and then boom.
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:They hit them with a left, and they build up 6 months and then boom, smack in the face.
CasieCasem:Yeah. You
Payton:know what I mean? I said, I'm not trying to tell y'all to do more for me or but but lay off of me a little bit. I was like, where I'm at in recovery for 2 years Yeah. Is not normal. Right.
Payton:Especially the way I'm doing it. I've not got a sponsor. I got a mentor. I made amends as they come. I go out.
Payton:Some days, I'll just I'm not like what I'm trying to tell people from my recovery, like, what do you really do besides reaching out and being available? Okay. I'm a tell y'all what I really do. I'll go feed people. Yeah.
Payton:I'll go I'll be in the store, and I'll pay for the person behind me. It might not be much. You know? I remember it was I was, 2 months ago, I was in Alabama on vacation. I was going to Tupelo, Mississippi, see Elvis Presley's birthplace.
CasieCasem:Oh, yeah.
Payton:And, there was this woman in line ahead of me, and she was had all her stuff, you know, separated on the belt. And she said, let me know when I get to $60. As soon as they started scanning it, it was over.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:You know what I mean?
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:And
Payton:I had just got a bonus, and she got herself this coat. She said, well, put the coat back. I said, no. No. No.
Payton:No. Hold up. Hold up. Get and she's looking at me. I said, get it all.
Payton:Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it. And the lady behind the road, she's like, it's 3 I said, get it all. And she wasn't just trying to do that. She just don't know.
Payton:Anyway, I did that for her. I don't expect nothing in return.
CasieCasem:Right.
Payton:You know, I don't even respect something easy. Even the past few weeks have been kinda rough in my recovery, finally, but I don't care. Yeah. I mean, I don't I'm, I used to be weak and struggling.
Payton:Mhmm.
Payton:Now I'm strong and struggling.
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:Because we're life's always a struggle, period. It's not gonna be easy. I don't care if you got $1,000,000 or if you got $2. And, yeah, don't get me wrong y'all. If I had a $1,000,000 right
Payton:now, it'd
Payton:be a lot better.
Payton:Right. There would be
CasieCasem:a whole lot of things
Payton:that could be a struggle. But but there would be other struggles that would come along with that. Yeah. So like I said, I'm grateful now that I'm strong and struggling and, you know, that I try to pay it forward. I try to do something.
Payton:One of my theories in Portland when I was there, was to go build good merit on purpose because I was 3,000 miles away from home.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:I couldn't go perform no amendses directly. So I said, I'm just gonna go spread good deeds in Portland. And I did, and next thing I know, good stuff started happening. And, that that right there along, teach you something. When you do good things, eventually, good things will happen.
Payton:You have to you have to hit that part because because we do something good. We want some good return immediately. I don't know about you, but I'm a sinner.
CasieCasem:Right. Yeah.
Payton:I'm born for sin.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:You know
Payton:what I mean? I sin every chance I get because here's my new thing is, well, I'm not on drugs and alcohol.
CasieCasem:Yeah. So I can do something else. That's kinda like a a gift tip of attack.
Payton:No. No. Exactly. And it's just, it's amazing how my mind processes, how I think, how I can do poetry, how I can do those videos you see me do, how people just throw me on the stage and I can bim, bim, bim, bim, or the opportunity you've presented to me in February. You know?
Payton:Like, I'm really excited about that because Yeah. You know, I wanna I wanna thank you personally right now. You are submitting something that I said I was gonna do out loud. You don't really understand what that means to me before the people in my recovery that said it wouldn't happen.
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:I don't care about the people out here. People in my recovery.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:You get what I mean? Yep. You you you connected some dots that I need to connect. They're just right there. And,
CasieCasem:But at the same time and I appreciate that 100%. Absolutely. But at the same time, you did that.
Payton:Yeah. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes.
CasieCasem:If you wouldn't have been at this stage of your recovery, if you wouldn't have had the faith in yourself to say this is the line. I'm drawing it. I'm not crossing this line. Let's see what I can do if I don't cross that
Payton:line.
Payton:It's called being solid. It's, what what I'm calling recovery in, in AI. I'm gonna use that example. In AI, I'm I'm what you call a white chip wonder. It's the first day you you make that commitment, you pick up a white chip.
Payton:And then 30 days later, you pick up a 30 day chip. Well, I left Jacksonville to Portland. I didn't get to pick up. I picked up a 30 day coin. I'll still go get coins at me just to show people clean time.
Payton:Yeah. Even though I do it a little differently, you know how I do it. You see how I do it. It is what it is. My stuff is, I believe, a lot more.
Payton:Like I told you earlier, I'm in the trenches.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:You know, I'm that's how I feel. I'm not in the rooms where people are around recovery. I'm trying to bring people to recovery. Right. Because, you know, there's people out there right now that are sick and suffering that don't even know that getting sober means recovery.
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:You know
Payton:what I'm saying? They don't know.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:In my addiction, I walked past a a AA meeting probably 50 times, and they're based on attraction, not promotion. Well, I promise you this and nothing against them. They didn't promote nothing to me.
CasieCasem:Right.
Payton:I didn't know. But I'm just saying it's not their fault by no means.
CasieCasem:But you didn't know that was a resource?
Payton:That's what I'm saying. I walked past it 50 times. See, when I go to these meetings, not out of respect for them, I always say my name's Peyton. I'm proud, and I'm in recovery, y'all. I always get one person tell me they like that I said that.
Payton:And I'll drop some spiritual guru good stuff
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:But they like that Yeah. Because the simplicity behind it. Because I am proud I'm in recovery, and I've heard the, stigma that well, look at where you're at. Your way of thinking got you here. Well, this is my life, and, actually, I'm glad my way of thinking got me here because it got me to around like minded people that wanna stay sober, that wanna connect, that wanna do better, that wanna bring better.
Payton:I mean, it's amazing. Like I told you earlier, I wouldn't do that again what I did. Don't get me wrong. All that, oh, I'd do it all over again.
Payton:You're full
Payton:of shit. Yeah. You're full of shit. Yeah. But
CasieCasem:There's some things I don't wanna do over again. Yeah.
Payton:But but where we're at, where it let us Yeah. This is what it is. Yeah. Like, I was, talking to your husband earlier. You that old saying, you can't live in a moment, past.
Payton:Yep. I don't believe in the future because let me tell
CasieCasem:you why.
Payton:Once the future is there, then it's your present. Yeah. So as
Payton:soon as it's there you know? So I just believe in the present moment, you do what you can, how you can, for who you can. Mhmm. You know? Moment, you do what you can, how you can, for who you can.
Payton:Mhmm.
Payton:You know? And, get right with a higher power, whether it's the universe, whether it's God, how I understand him, whether it's Buddha, etcetera, etcetera. You know? Just find you
CasieCasem:one. Yeah. Whatever your higher power is. Absolutely. There is a purpose, though.
CasieCasem:Like, that's the commonality is the fact that we are here in the universe. Like, there's a there's a ripple. There's an imprint. There's a reason that you're here. Like, you have a fingerprint that nobody else does.
CasieCasem:Like, you have a reason to be here that nobody else has. And one of my favorite things is, you know, me growing up, and I say, even still to this day, you know, when people ask me, like, what is the hardest part about being without my mom and not having, you know, the ability to have, like, the role model or somebody to come here and and show me the right thing to do or a different way to do things? It's you have to become that person that you needed.
Payton:You know, I love that you say that because I tell a lot of people and and this is this is what I'm for. People come to me for advice. They come to me for leadership, from, you know, mentorship. I tell people, take your power back. Yeah.
Payton:You know, put your boots on. Put your shoes on. You know what I mean? Get in your cockpit because, you know, like, remember how early I said I'm a spiritualist. I'm a realist.
Payton:Well, spiritually, yeah, god is all around us and all. But in reality, I'm down here.
CasieCasem:Right.
Payton:In reality, I'm the guy behind the gloves. Hey. I'm I'm the guy
CasieCasem:Yep. And
Payton:you got
Payton:free will.
Payton:Yeah. You do have free will. You know? And it is ultimately up to you to make that cold sometimes you make decisions that's not yours.
CasieCasem:Yeah. You
Payton:know what I mean?
CasieCasem:To appease other people.
Payton:To appease
Payton:other people.
CasieCasem:Out of your way to
Payton:Or to save your own life. You know? Like I was telling you earlier, the old cliche, misery loves company. Yep. But good company as myself doesn't love misery.
Payton:And sometimes there's people that I don't wanna cut off, but I do to save my ship. Yeah. Because my ship's no longer sinking.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:You know? And, you can bet that. I'll be honest with you. If if, if I have to condemn you to save my ass now Yeah. I'm I'm sorry, but not sorry.
CasieCasem:Right.
Payton:Because look at where I was 2 years ago. Look at where I'm at now. And the way I conduct myself, my mother, like I was telling you earlier, she works for a rehab. When I say legit, they're they're credited. They're private.
Payton:They got daughters. And I can't remember the percentage, but it was when I say it was really low, it was 1.8 or or 4 point a. It was it was real low of people doing recovery the way I'm doing it, that I don't go to a room every day consistently that I'm not around my, see, I got sober in Portland, Oregon, but I'm sitting here in Jacksonville, Florida with you.
CasieCasem:Right. Like, where you were on the where you gotten the substances from. Like, you you weren't high in Portland.
Payton:No. So so I got to be this person nobody knew important, this sober painting. And and unless I say it's more aware there, it's more activist there, you know, pulling for it. But here I am doing the same thing I was doing in Portland, but at home. So it can be done.
Payton:Just because I didn't recover here don't mean I can't stay recovering here.
CasieCasem:Right.
Payton:But you have to want it. You know? You can lead a horse of water, but you can't make them drink it. Eventually, they'll drink it.
CasieCasem:Now what when people say like, for me, a good question I have is, yeah, you went to Portland, Oregon, Oregon to get sober, but then you came right back to where you were addicted. Like, you came right back into the cesspool.
Payton:2. So
CasieCasem:how did you how did you stay out of that?
Payton:Like I
Payton:hope y'all like this. I'm a be real with y'all, and I'm a be real, real with y'all. 1, I was gonna get my stepson back. He thought I was his daddy. That that was on my recovery list.
Payton:2, I had a spiritual awakening in Portland, and he says, go get him. Just one day, I I I I think I subconsciously drew this voice up in him, and they said, go get him. When I was growing up, my my hero in the neighborhood was this man named Greg Johnson. He was a little older than me. He could fight anybody.
Payton:He could pick up anything. He was just a man's man. And when I would have a problem with somebody, he said, well, go get him, boy. Well, it wasn't that. It was go home and help your people.
Payton:Yeah. You know that you can be this light in the darkness. You can be you know you know that saying, the shit that bumps at night? Yeah. I'm the shit that bumps back now.
Payton:Yeah. Okay? I'm the one that makes the for the people that don't want to. Yeah. I'm I'm the voice for the person that wants to be heard, but that can't.
CasieCasem:Mhmm.
Payton:Because you can be heard. You can stay sober. You can do better. Yeah. It's it's that simple.
Payton:But at the same time, sometimes we need a role model. Sometimes we need something, you know, worth looking up to. And and I like to be that example. One thing, you know, it just gave me chills. When the spotlight's on me, I need that.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:I need the good pressure. Yeah. Because, one thing I can tell, you know, you find folks right here in this interview, I promise you one thing. When I leave here, I will not go and get high. Yeah.
Payton:You know what I'm saying? You can you can bet that, you know, you can bet that, hey. I might go to the gas station. Fuck me. I might get in a fight.
Payton:I might get in an argument. But guess what? I won't go get I I am solid at least in one area aspect of my day. So me coming back was a choice that I I didn't wanna make because, people right now are recovering. They get the luxury to recover around the people they got sober with.
Payton:I don't get that luxury because I know my purpose.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:I look at basically that I'm a I'm basically a mercenary in recovery to leave Portland to come home and might be sounding full of myself or whatever, but to bring a different message. And you know what's funny? Since I brought this different aroma, you know, you said auras or vibes. I say aroma. It's been waking other people up that normally wasn't woken up.
Payton:Yeah. So there, you know, there's a reason for it. You know, yes, I would love to be back there with Alex, you know, Sophie, Matthias, Brian, Tony v, Cody Roberts, Ron. I mean, my Kia, Ivana. I I can keep going with with all those people, but I know better.
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:You get what I'm saying? Today, I have integrity. I know better.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:I could pick up the phone right now here in front of you and call anybody in Portland, and they would have me a bus ticket back right now, a plane ticket. I'm not lying to you.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:But I know better because I'm needed here. Yeah. You know? This is where my talents are needed. This is where my audience is.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:And, that's another thing about I think about being a a a solid human being, not even an adult because we all know adults that are kids.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:So, that's That's a
CasieCasem:large child, really.
Payton:That's an adult. Yeah. That's how I went from Portland back to Jacksonville. And I know you you follow me on Facebook, and I follow y'all too. You see me go back and forth, but that's for recovery purposes.
Payton:Yeah. Absolutely. To get a refresher.
Payton:Yeah. And you
CasieCasem:you've you've taken a couple of people up there too just to get them out and get them where they needed to be if that was the gateway that they needed.
Payton:Oh, by the way, hey, Brandon. You told me to say, hey. He did, and I did that. So
CasieCasem:Good. I hope he's still listening to the the interview this long.
Payton:Yeah.
CasieCasem:So let me ask you. What is crack cocaine?
Payton:What is crack cocaine? Okay. Free basin cocaine is the best drug on the planet, in my opinion. Now like I said, I've never shot up. But when I was in the hospital, they did, shoot me
Payton:a
Payton:pain medicine. Mhmm. But I was in such pain. I failed it. Don't get me wrong.
Payton:But, crack cocaine is this I'll be honest. Yeah. It's like getting a blowjob on steroids.
CasieCasem:Wow.
Payton:I mean, like like, for real. The the the hit, the intensity, and then, god, it's just to me, it's the best high you can get. Like, I used to make fun of crackheads even if I was snorting OxyContin, even if I was tripping on that. You know? Let me tell you.
Payton:There's a reason they do it. Yeah. Don't go experiment. I did enough for everybody. Trust me.
Payton:In 4 months, I did enough for everyone. I promise you. You don't need to go try it because, you know, that's what crack cocaine is. I don't wanna tell people really what's in or how it is because they can put that together and maybe experiment. I'm not gonna do that.
Payton:Yeah. You know, plus Google's Google. You know what I mean?
CasieCasem:But The stuff that is in it, though, I've heard, like
Payton:Oh, they put a
CasieCasem:would you even how would you even think to put that stuff together to get you that high? Like, how would you even think of to come up with like, even meth. Like, meth has got, like, cleaner and, like, battery acid.
Payton:Well, you know what's funny? Recently, when I was in Oregon over summer, this past summer, they were taking bug spray and spraying screens with it and then hooking many electrical cords to the screen and heating it up, and it was making, like, a fake meth.
CasieCasem:Oh, wow.
Payton:Now how the hell do you come up with that? It just is. Hey. But you know what? Genesis a Genesis 1, if that can happen, anything can happen.
CasieCasem:Oh, yeah.
Payton:Think about you know? Yeah. But still, I know I yeah. It's, that's just yeah. That's weird.
Payton:But, yeah, that's what crack cocaine is, the best drug on the planet, peer period point blank, in in my eyes. Like, knowing what I know about drugs from my experience, and everything else to me was irrelevant.
CasieCasem:So crack cocaine versus heroin. What is the what is the difference, and what is the like, lead me down those rates.
Payton:Okay. 1, it does depend on the person. But in all all terms, it's like this. You know? Heroin, if you do enough of it, you'll get so high and you'll get so numb that you'll, what they call nod out, basically go to sleep.
Payton:Mhmm. Crack kinda makes you wide awake, kinda you know? Yeah. Kinda paranoid. I never got too paranoid.
Payton:I know I didn't. Like, I've I've I've literally had a friend that was like, hey. I like smoking crack, but you don't get paranoid. I was like, yeah. You too.
Payton:That's just a addict thing. Trust me. But, heroin, just makes everything go away or OxyContin
Payton:Mhmm.
Payton:Or pain pills, opiates. It just makes everything go away. It makes everything numb.
CasieCasem:Yeah. So, I mean, like, excuse me. Y'all, here we are. Like, you know, this is why we're having these conversations is to get educated. So, yeah, heroin is an opiate.
CasieCasem:Mhmm. So that's like a liquid form of a painkiller.
Payton:No. It's a, a powdery, rock substance. Now now granted, I've had everything from what they've labeled stuff white china, one stuff one time called Charlie Brown because it was brown, one stuff that was, like, almost a pinkish thing. I've had straight fit and all, and it was all a powdered form. Mhmm.
Payton:The only thing liquid I've ever seen that was in Opus was, like, liquid Lortab and hydrocodone. Drugs are everywhere.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:And, we're never gonna get rid of them.
CasieCasem:Right.
Payton:But we can get rid of our habits. We can get rid of our thinking. We can get rid of the people that we're around Yeah. And all that. And, you know, we can replace it recovery.
Payton:We can replace it with exercise. We can replace it with poetry. Like I said, other hobbies, people, that never picked up the guitar, picked up a guitar in recovery.
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:You know? There's a lot of people that you'll see in recovery that never went to the gym a day in their life, and they're gym rats, and you think they've been working out their whole lives. Me, I've always worked out. So, it was funny. Back in the day, I would get pumped up.
Payton:And when people tell me I'm looking good, I go back to partying. And when they tell me I'm looking bad, I go get pumped back up, but I didn't know I needed recovery. Yeah. So but, yeah. No.
Payton:Heroin is a a powdery, rocky form that you basically, that I know for a fact, if you're gonna snort it or smoke it, you kinda crush it down to snort it, obviously. If you're gonna smoke it, crush it down. You, I would just put it on tinfoil, light the tinfoil up, and smoke it through a straw. I've watched people shoot up, but I just wasn't into it. I just that that's too long.
Payton:I'm not gonna do all that. I want my eye now.
CasieCasem:So crack cocaine, do you shoot up?
Payton:I've seen them do it. No. No. No. Yes.
Payton:I've actually seen people shoot that up. They've used, Kool Aid water and vinegar to shoot it up with. Don't ask me how. They just was at my house one day. And I know it sounds crazy, and they were like, hey.
Payton:You got any vinegar? And I was like, for what? And I got psoriasis on the skin. I use vinegar on my skin. I'm like, but you got psoriasis or something?
Payton:What what the hell is going on? They're like, no, man. For this crap, I'm like, dude, you smoke it. What are you doing?
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:Like, no. We do it the other way. I'm like, oh, base, I swear, dude. I swear, dude. I'm not BS ing you, man.
Payton:And I'm like, I'm looking at it. You're doing it wrong. They're like, no. Yeah. I just I'm very fortunate that, my grandparents did raise me.
Payton:So, yeah, I had some class to me as a junkie, and I would never apologize that I never put a needle in my body. And if it if it meant I thought I was better than you, so be it.
Payton:It cost
CasieCasem:didn't go down that
Payton:path. I probably would've died.
CasieCasem:Yeah. Absolutely.
Payton:I said I'd probably died. Yeah. So it was just funny. Yeah. I remember yeah.
Payton:Basically, I've heard of, this last person I told you I was just helping. Yeah. She said that her friends were, shooting Xanax. Oh, wow. Yeah.
Payton:So, basically, then I've heard, one dude told me that he shot up a 5 hour energy one time just to shoot it up because he had no drugs.
CasieCasem:Wow.
Payton:So, in recovery
CasieCasem:straight through your blood system. Like, straight through your veins. Like, there's no digesting it at that point. Like, it's straight through your blood system.
Payton:No. They they that that's that's straight direct is what they say. And, yeah. I'm just glad that that was a dragon I didn't have to conquer. Yeah.
Payton:You know what I'm saying? That just that just is what it is. I've I've heard all kinds of stuff, man. Like, it's ridiculous. Like, we used to sit there with the, the computer dusters and huff those till we'd fall out.
CasieCasem:Wow. So, yeah, you just love being just not in the just not here. Like, take me anywhere else Well, so
Payton:another thing is it wasn't always about get out of here. It was just like, okay. We can do that. Mhmm. There were some days in my addict you know, well, me and a guy, we went and did a tree job together.
Payton:We got paid good. Hey. We had the hotel room for the night or, actually, for the week, stuff like that. And it oh, it's all good.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:Till it
CasieCasem:goes taken care of.
Payton:Yeah.
CasieCasem:And so we can be, you know, reckless, basically.
Payton:Till it goes bad.
CasieCasem:Yeah. You
Payton:know what I mean? And that's, I mean, that's any, you know, anything in life. It just, but it's just funny, you know, what a addict will do, you know, to get high. And, don't ever say never.
Payton:Right.
Payton:I tell anybody that.
CasieCasem:No. We were just talking about that earlier. You know, I've disclosed to you that the the reason that I haven't made it to your side of the fence is because, you know, I drew a line my own personal self that I, you know, I felt like, you know, cocaine had something to do with the path that my parents were on when we were, you know, younger, and and that had something to do with just the people that my parents were running with. And that's not something that I ever wanted to get involved with. That's where I drew the sand.
CasieCasem:And if I wouldn't have, like I told you earlier, you know, I was in a relationship in a past life with somebody that did it on a regular, like, all day during the day, you know? And that was an open door for me to have open access to it whenever I wanted it, as much as I wanted, anytime I wanted to take it. And thank God I never tried it. Thank God I never tried it because I did Adderall for a while. I was prescribed it, you know, and it like on cocaine.
CasieCasem:Like, oh my god. You know? So
Payton:Yeah. You'd probably be in jail or something.
CasieCasem:For sure. My life would be over. For sure. For sure. Because it would have gotten a grasp on me.
CasieCasem:Absolutely. I can tell you right now. Like, I thank God I didn't ever try it.
Payton:No. You're very fortunate. You are. And, there's, other there's other things at work that protect certain people, you know, to, you know, to be to where they're at and all. And, you know, even like the connection we're making now, like, you know you know, like, yeah, we we knew each other, but we didn't.
Payton:And I've been trying to ponder, like, where do I wasn't meant then. It was
CasieCasem:meant for now. Yep.
Payton:You know
Payton:what I'm saying? And I had to go through what I had to go through to get here with you and so did you and say it
Payton:right now.
Payton:So did your husband. You know? And, and it sounds so so cliche. It's just so I'm gonna say, like, bullshit, but it's the truth, though.
CasieCasem:Right. Like, I had to get where I want to be here.
Payton:I had to go to that place to get to this one. Yep. Here in one
CasieCasem:place. If somebody would you know, you you go to, like, fortune tellers, and you go to mediums, and you look at the tarot cards and stuff like that, and they can't even tell you what your life would be like. Like, if somebody sat here and told me, Casey, you're gonna, you know, be a motivational speaker. You're gonna start this foundation and it's all gonna be centered on self care and from your depression. Like, you have to go through this to be able to be an impact to these people, for your vulnerability to show so you can actually resonate with them what they're going through.
CasieCasem:I would have been like, you're kidding me. Like, there's no way that all of this would have happened because of do do do do do do do, but it is. It is like it it's like a ripple effect.
Payton:It's just a little dark. Reason I respect you is because recovery has given me an enlightenment that you know, like you said, you you said something earlier. You might have said it during the podcast. You might have said it during the break or whatever, but you said something about you used to be addicted to to depression.
Payton:Mhmm.
Payton:And I know people like that that I've had to remove from my life that I can't help because sometimes some people stay broke because being able not to fix them brings them the attention they won't.
CasieCasem:Mhmm.
Payton:And by you being aware of that and knowing recover's me recoveries give me a different view that you know? I know your story. I looked it up. I did my little research. I'm healing from something.
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:You're healing from something. You're hurting from something. I'm hurting from just like your husband told me he's hurting from something. So we're all courtly. So just because y'all's ain't drugs and alcohol Yeah.
Payton:Doesn't mean that we're still not struggling with the fact that we get depressed. See? Depression is depression no matter what. Yep. Sadness is sadness no matter what.
Payton:I'm a be honest with you. I don't think your sadness is no more than mine, nor do I think mine is more than yours. I think that because we're coming together and we're trying to do something about it, it's equally the same. Yep. So let's keep it like that, but let's see how we could step up from it.
CasieCasem:Yeah. Like, we're all wearing hats, man. Everybody's wearing a hat. Yeah. We just got different looking hats, and my life is one decision away from being where you were.
Payton:It can be. No. It's simp no. It simply truly can be. And I try to tell people, like, in recovery, you know, like, it's like this.
Payton:If you're not done like, look. You can work the shake and bake program that I've kinda invented, which is just a lot of integrity, a lot of self confidence, self management, self awareness, positive. You know, like, yes. I talk to myself in the room. Rid of that self doubt, but you have to.
Payton:You have to.
CasieCasem:To. To because your mentality like, you gotta think about everything you're feeding your brain. You're listening to the radio. What is it talking about? Drugs and shooting people and having all this sex with all
Payton:these Blowing up stuff. Nothing good. Just negativity.
CasieCasem:Everything that you're watching. Everything that you're surrounding yourself with. If you are the only good constant that you have, then so be it. You you tell yourself all that you're the your biggest critic. You know?
CasieCasem:I tell myself all the time, this isn't right or that isn't right, and, you know, you you understand you're the biggest critic that you have. Like, you're the one that's gonna be the hardest on yourself. You also have to be the person that's gonna love yourself the most.
Payton:One thing I wanna save, but I can't because it's correlating
Payton:Mhmm.
Payton:That I'm gonna speak on when we do our thing Yeah. End of February is people say and before you shake your head, people say that, you know, you have to love yourself where you can love others. No. When I hated myself, when I was at my lowest, I still love my family. I still love my son.
Payton:I stay I woulda died for him. I had to kill him. Blah blah blah. I would have even though I was taken from him. No.
Payton:No. No. No. You have to build a love for yourself as an individual, so strong, so passionate, so cocky. Hold on.
Payton:So intense that when people in this life let you down
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:You don't lose the love that you did build for yourself. Yes. That's what it's about. Yep. Because I promise you this.
Payton:Another shake and bake time. If you ain't first Yeah. Everything you know and love comes last. Shake and bake it. I promise you.
Payton:And because I keep myself first today, because I keep Peyton happy, I'm either I'm able to keep everybody else around me happy to an extent.
Payton:Right.
CasieCasem:You know
Payton:what I mean? Y'all know what I'm really saying. Like, people can debunk anything. Like, I was gonna say earlier, you can work any program in this world you want. Anything from recovery programs to Christian programs to Buddhism to whatever.
Payton:You got to want it.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:You you you you got to want it to work, whatever it may be. You you can always find an excuse, but can you find a purpose? Can you find a program? Can you find something that's positive? Yes.
Payton:You can. Mhmm. You can always find an excuse. That's easy. Well, throw that shit in the trash can.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:Find something that's tailor made for you. There's 7,000,000,000 people on this planet, roughly. And you're gonna tell me there's not one idea that's not that you're not attracted to. Yeah. It doesn't turn you on.
Payton:And you know what I mean? Turn you on, like, in a spiritual way, in a, you know, Yeah. Positive outlet. And, that's that's just what it is. And, some stuff is neither here nor there, but today, what's what's here for me is myself, like you said, is the man in the mirror.
Payton:Yeah. When I look at me, I'm okay. I'm okay. See, I found the most intimate word I have found in recovery, and I and it's in my life's recovery, is clarity. Mhmm.
Payton:And to me, there's 7,000,000,000 definitions of clarity. Mhmm. Because clarity is different for each individual. Now we might have some of the same clarities, but mine, for example, is 2. I'm okay with just being okay, and I'm okay with not knowing.
Payton:You know? I got a couple things going on right now. They're not, like, major, but I'm okay not knowing. Used to be I had to know. It freaked me out.
Payton:I'd punch the wall, get angry, whatever. And now I'm just okay with being okay. And that's a that's my clarity. I found my clarity, in life. And, you know, I hope you find yours, and I hope you find yours.
Payton:But, you know, until then, you gotta find yourself.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:You know, I tell people also, like, in life, you have to actually let go to hold on to what you got. Yeah. So look around some things that you've got in life that, you know, is this collateral damage, or can I let this go without hurting myself and others? There's there's been some stuff that I've let go so I can hold on to what I do have. Yeah.
Payton:You know? And, some people are like, woah, man. How'd you learn that? I'm like, through listening to others' struggles, to listen to others' triumphs, to listen to others' just idle. Some people, when they told me about their idle day, a normal day, I got more from that than somebody's victory or somebody's struggle.
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:You can find intimacy in each and every part of your day if you choose to.
Payton:Mhmm.
Payton:That's how I think today. Like, just the other day, the way the wind hit the trees at work and the leaves came down. I've been doing tree work my whole life, basically. I've never looked at those leaves fall on the ground till recovery, that simple thing right there. You know?
Payton:And, that's what resonates with me.
Payton:And, you know, I'm gonna keep I'm, you know, I'm on a mission to make sobriety great again, to make sobriety cool again. I'm on a mission to let people know that it doesn't matter if you're sobriety cool again. I'm on a mission to let people know that it doesn't matter if you're white, black, purple, Hispanic, gay, straight. I don't care what you are. If you are struggling, look me up and find me and call me.
Payton:I will help you out to the best of my god given ability. Mhmm. Because he's given me this. See Yeah. One thing I wanna say in this whole interview, it's not the I in me.
Payton:It's the I in him, h I m.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:Because I'm not gonna be able to glorify him every second of the day. Right. And I'm not and I don't plan on it. Like I told you earlier, I'm a sinner. I'm built for sin, but I'm just trying to sin less and do good more.
Payton:So it just, it's amazing what recovery has done for me and, what what I've been able to do. Like you said earlier, I don't give myself enough credit. I don't what I had been able to do for others because I still have free will. I'm still down here in the flesh. Yeah.
Payton:And, I just I just hope it keeps getting better, and, I don't see why not. I really don't.
CasieCasem:Right. Well, I mean, it's gotten to like, death is the worst that it's going to be. Like, we've gotten near to
Payton:knocking on that door a little bit.
CasieCasem:Knocking on that door. So it's only gonna get better from here if you keep going in the light of sobriety. You know? Like, you keep going down that recovery path, and you won't go backwards. And that's what's so important that you're able to show that I see where I've come from, and I agree that there is no backwards from here.
Payton:Well, I'll let you say backwards because there's another thing I I wanna touch on out loud. Coming back to recovery from a relapse is okay Yeah. But relapse is not okay. Yeah. Yeah.
Payton:And the reason I say relapse is okay is now, mind you, I have not experienced that in my recovery nor do I plan on it. And god, please not please do not let me experience relapse. But at the same time, your next relapse, you might be 6 foot under pushing up daisies.
Payton:Mhmm. And for
Payton:the people that don't know what that means, that means you're dead in the ground. So keep playing around with it. Keep playing with a loaded gun and see what happens.
CasieCasem:Yeah. I've heard that that's, like and thank god I'm not educated on this. That's why we're having this conversation. That, you know, people go so long, and they're sober for so long. And then you just get back into that relapse pool, and you're sitting there, you know, around your group of whatever.
CasieCasem:You're sitting there, you know, whatever shooting up with, and they'll shoot up what they're used to doing.
Payton:Oh, yes. That's, no. That's I've heard people of getting, you know, a year, 2 years, whatever. Like, a good chunk of sobriety and then going back out and dying versus when they were in their act addiction. They were I mean, they were shooting up like Billy the Kid.
Payton:Yeah. You know, just in a different way. Yeah. But also at the same time, it's because in recovery, people are some people are too loving and tolerant, and there's not enough tough love. There's not enough, like, hey.
Payton:Wake up. I
CasieCasem:guess consequence for you.
Payton:I'm not saying be ashamed of relapse. Just tell yourself it's not okay. I can't do that. See, I don't get the luxury option. Of a relapse.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:Reason being I have too many people counting on me.
CasieCasem:Yeah. You do.
Payton:And the biggest person counting on me is me.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:Period.
CasieCasem:Yep.
Payton:And 2, I just don't see how that's gonna fix anything in my life. So, I just want that to be
Payton:known out there. You know, if you're thinking about relapse, and you're
Payton:already missed, you know, you, don't don't leave recovery like you already missed. And if you're thinking about coming to recovery, the port site's on, the key's on the mat, come home. You're already missed. You don't even know this is how selfish people are. You're letting me speak my story.
Payton:You already know you're helping me a 100. You know what I like to do. This is what I like to do. Thank you so much. But there are people out there right now that are so fucking selfish that don't know that they could be helping somebody Yeah.
Payton:With their struggle, with their well, I'm just no. No. No. You're not just a junkie. You're not just a piece of junk.
Payton:You're not just trash. You're not just this no. You are, like you said earlier, a human being with a story, with a line that connects, that just correlates with everything that you will submit another.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:I'm telling you, everybody has a somebody, and I don't mean relationship wise, like, hand in hand. I mean, like, friend and friend, a true friend. And, you know
CasieCasem:You're not made to be alone.
Payton:No. You're not. You're you're not. And if you are a drug addict and you think you need recovery no. You need recovery.
Payton:Come home. Like I say, the port side's home. The key's on the mat. Come home. You know?
Payton:That's gonna be honest with you. That's why I do enjoy AA and NA because you can mess up the only thing I know that you can mess up a 101 times, basically, as long as you don't burn the building down Yeah. Or you don't kill or rape nobody, they'll take you back. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.
Payton:And that's good. I just reach different people different ways. Some people, they like the way I'm a little intense about it. You know? They sometimes are like, well, I don't wanna let him down.
Payton:Well, sometimes that's what it takes to get them started. Then they don't wanna let their self down. And I have little techniques that I use, and people say, what is it? I'll be honest with you. I'm such a hands on person that I'm so individualized with people.
Payton:I can't tell you what is it till I'm working with the person. Yeah. It just comes natural.
Payton:You know
Payton:what I'm saying? I'm not going by notebook. I'm not I'm going by my heart, my feelings, and my actions.
Payton:Mhmm.
Payton:You know? And, no. I've had a couple people that's done good and slipped up. But you know what? They'll tell you, though.
Payton:No. It was my choice. Yeah. It is your choice. And if you wanna blame it on me, cool.
Payton:Cool. Good. Go right ahead. What's new? I'm just sober.
Payton:Yeah. You get what I'm saying? So it just, it's just crazy, how people are selfish, and they don't know what they're holding back and what they can really be giving to others, but not even others to their selves. Yeah. You know?
Payton:Like, it's it's about life is about you versus you. And when you conquer the old you, everybody else around you is okay. You know? Yeah. I mean, my family I'll be honest with you.
Payton:My family does not tell me no now versus the way you're saying it. I'm not trying to be, like, fun. They just don't because I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Because it was like, I got straight. I quit being selfish.
Payton:Now my whole family can breathe. Now they still have their problems, but I'm no longer a part of their problems. Yeah. I quit being selfish. So that's definitely a big deal of me is, you know, stop being selfish.
Payton:And then another thing people you know, if you think you're alone out there, you are out of your mind.
CasieCasem:Right.
Payton:You know, what what's happened to you? Just saying it's tragic. We get that on, but you have done something about it, though. Yeah. You are not playing the victim.
Payton:You are playing the power card. You are taking your power back. You have other people with life situations that you are connecting
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:Just like with me. There's not one story in recovery in 2 years that has that has there's been one that surprised me. It because it was it was pretty dope. The, girl was taking 6 years in Oregon. We were going to see her.
Payton:I just through friends, you know, just yeah. It's good to watch this girl pick up 6 years. It's right. Cool. Long story short, she was taking a shower and shampoo in her hair, and the shampoo triggered a smell.
Payton:She realized that she'd been living with the wrong family for, like, 18 years and kidnapped her. The and she's don't don't ask me, hey. It really happened. That's the only thing that's amazing. Other than that, every other story in somebody, I've heard one similar.
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:And I know they're not all same, but you know what I'm saying similar. Like, you're not alone. Yes. Get over yourself.
CasieCasem:Right. That's a corner that you put yourself in. That really is, that's selfish too. It's thinking that you there is no life beyond this point. Like, you've put yourself in a corner so bad that you can't get out of it.
Payton:And you're the only one in
CasieCasem:it. Yeah. And you're the only one in the corner. So what about self care? How has self care affected your recovery?
CasieCasem:And do you how how how do you take care of yourself?
Payton:Oh, god. I got I got so many. 1, I like to take cliches and posit posit positively flip them around. Yeah. So, like, I told you, like, like, I used to be good.
Payton:I used to be really good at being bad, and I'm really good at being good. Misery loves company, but good company doesn't love misery, which the definition of this is when you become good company, you don't have to keep misery around you.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:And you don't have to want it around you. You don't have to just be the bigger person. You can be like, no. Get away. You can set boundaries.
Payton:I've always exercised, but, honestly, lifting weights sober is way different than when I used to lift weights. I'm seeing more strengths. I'm seeing more power. I'm making more friends at the gym. You know, I used to be a real gym.
Payton:Now people go, hey, man. How you doing? You still doing yeah, man. You know, stuff like that. I like believe it or not, I'm I'm actually pretty good at doing poetry right off the top of my head.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:Didn't know that. And that is a part of self care. That's challenge yourself to me doing stuff that, I normally didn't do, but that's also good for my brain because I've always been a muscle. I've always lift logs, you know, worked for a true economy and tote logs, thought you had to be tough when, really, I can be tough if I want to, but I saw I can be sensitive.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:I can be caring. I can be loving. I do go, every now and then, believe it or not, I do go get my my toes done and stuff. Yeah. But as a guy, I kinda don't wanna admit that.
Payton:But,
CasieCasem:that's still care, though.
Payton:It's the
CasieCasem:epitome, though. Really. You know?
Payton:No matter what, once a month, I go have a legit nice dinner by myself. Not with not with my girlfriend, not with my fam and I say legit. I go have the biggest steak you can get at Longhorns all by myself. Yeah. Because I believe in good isolation.
Payton:Yeah. There's bad isolation. There's good isolation. Like this. If you're depressed, sad, down, and you're not feeling good, don't isolate because that leads to dark tunnels that you don't get out of.
Payton:Yeah. But when you're in a position I'm in when everybody wants a piece of you or want help from you, and that's great. And I put myself there. Mind you, I have to go to good isolation. Sometimes I'll go for a walk still.
Payton:I'll go park. I've I've went to Jack's Beach since I've been home so many times and just parked the truck.
CasieCasem:Yeah. Just walked to
Payton:the beach, touched the water, and got back I mean, literally touched the water. Just like I say, I did it that night. Yep. Depending on, like, what I watch on television, like, between me and not trying to bring it on, I don't watch no cold case style stuff. It's I don't like seeing that
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:For me. Yeah.
Payton:You know
Payton:what I'm saying? I love it. Yeah. Well, I I I could I I didn't wanna go there, but you you said it, not me. She said it, boss, not me.
Payton:But, no. Seriously, self care can be anything. Truthfully, self care is with the beholder. What do you do for yourself that makes you feel like a better person, makes you feel like a a load came off of you? Yeah.
Payton:Because I can't tell you what your self care is. I can tell you what I do for mine. Like I said, sometimes I'll I'll shop on Amazon, which I never knew how to do before. You know? Being an addict, I didn't have a phone shit.
Payton:That's that's money I can go to my dope.
Payton:You know
Payton:what I mean? I'll buy myself a nice hat. Like I told you, my new addition are Columbia sportswear hats.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:It makes me feel good when I see I'll look in I'm I'm not lying to you. It's crazy. I look in the back seat of my nice Chevrolet, and I got 10 Columbia hats sitting there, and I could pick one for my T shirt. Yeah. I know that sounds crazy, but
CasieCasem:it makes me feel good. Well, that's what's important to you now that you're, in a recovery versus when you were
Payton:an addict. Yeah.
CasieCasem:I wouldn't have a hat.
Payton:A whole different strain of
CasieCasem:self care.
Payton:Yeah. Self care definitely has been, like I said, been a big part. Like I told you, I'm gonna take a lazy day
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:With me and my girlfriend this weekend. You know? That means, now I'll have my phone on in case of emergency, and I will text back. But if they're not dying
CasieCasem:Right. No. But have a day to yourself where you don't have anything on the agenda. No. You can just relax and just breathe.
CasieCasem:Watch a show if you wanted to.
Payton:No. That's no. That's that's what I'm gonna do. I'm probably gonna watch The Amazing World of Gumball. My kids got me on that on Cartoon Network.
CasieCasem:So check that out. I don't know that one.
Payton:It's good. Really listen to them and,
CasieCasem:yeah. Yeah.
Payton:It's it's real good. But, yeah, self care, and then and that's for, not even recovery, just for people in general life. Yeah. You know? And there's a lot of stuff.
Payton:You know? And I challenge people. Look up recovery. Look up what recovering addicts do and apply it to your normal life just like I'm applying what y'all do. I went and got a credit card.
Payton:Yeah. That's what normal people do.
CasieCasem:Yeah. You know?
Payton:And I'm building my credit. I went and got a truck payment
Payton:Yeah.
Payton:Because I never had one.
CasieCasem:Yeah.
Payton:You know? People say, why did you do that? I'm like, well And
Payton:now I
CasieCasem:got money I can afford to pay a
Payton:truck.
CasieCasem:Exactly. Because I'm not spending it on dope.
Payton:Straight oh, straight no. Straight up. I'm not spending on that pipe. You know what I mean? Like, straight up.
CasieCasem:To do different things with. So I wanna wrap up and go back to when we were talking about when you came back to all of your what your environment, basically. How give me an idea of what did you do to be able to have a reset, like, step by step, you're back here in your environment that you know of with the people that you're familiar with, back doing what you, you know, get you could get right back into.
Payton:You. Just like this. You know, the old saying, when you're doing your thing, you you cannot care about what nobody thinks.
Payton:Mhmm.
Payton:Yes. Here's a cliche I'm flipping. I don't care about what the wrong people think. I care about what the right people think.
CasieCasem:Yeah. Yeah. Have a difference.
Payton:People like you. Yeah. Like, you know, that day that you that we messaged each other or whatever, how that happened. My my friend, I was hooked up when you said you I knew you were gonna be watching me for a while, though. That was where you gave me your message.
Payton:Like, you were really gonna see if I was solid. I get that. Thank you. I wanna be tested now. I wanna be under the pressure.
Payton:I wanna be in the light because I actually give a damn about myself.
CasieCasem:Yeah. You know
Payton:what I mean? I actually love myself.
CasieCasem:That's the difference.
Payton:That's the difference. Yeah. There was no plan coming back directly. Yes. I went to meetings here.
Payton:They're they're just not for me because it's not the same from where I got sober at in Portland, but I still go every now and then. I think you see me put a post where the month ago, I just went to one out of nowhere.
CasieCasem:Yep.
Payton:That's normal, but not normal for me here. Right. Okay? But I still did it because I went with my true my mind and my gut were correlated. Not just my gut, not just my mind.
Payton:They correlated. But, I actually wanna have a foot to stand on. Well, not a foot. I wanna have 2 of them to stand on. But why say, why would you wanna have a foot to stand?
Payton:I wanna have 2.
CasieCasem:Right. Well, when you learn how to stand on your own 2 feet, you stop waiting on the other shoe
Payton:to drop. Exactly. And that's what people don't understand. Like, I'm excited about this, and I'm not going away. You're not gonna silence me.
Payton:Mhmm. You know,
Payton:my
Payton:name is Peyton. I'm proud, and I'm in recovery, and I'm here. And it is what it is. And, you know, you know, when addiction hit me, I always had a saying growing up before. And I'm a be honest with y'all.
Payton:I was a fighter. I tell them, if you hit me and I get back up, you're fucked. Yeah. And, hey. Well, guess what?
Payton:Addiction hit me, and I got back up, and it's fucked. Yeah. It it really is. I'm gonna put a dent in addiction in a good way. Yeah.
Payton:You know what I mean? I I'm I'm I'm sick of it, so my integrity is what's kept me sober back home knowing that I got people counting on me. See, people don't understand something. In recovery, you're gonna have all these friends. And just because you're in recovery, don't make them cool friends, But you're gonna have a few that actually want you to do good, and they're gonna be brokenhearted if you do bad.
Payton:Mhmm. Okay? Not the whole group. Just a few I mean, there's some people that I've seen important on that that relapse. I'm a be honest with you.
Payton:I don't give a damn about. Sorry. We've had our experience. We're cool. We're cool.
Payton:But there's some that if I got a phone call right now, I would be I would be heartbroken. You know what I'm saying? So, wrapping this up with that, just stay true to yourself. Worry about what the right people think, not the wrong people, and, you know, take yourself seriously, but, you know, laugh a little bit. Yeah.
Payton:You know? Love, you know,
CasieCasem:It'd be great when you've realized you can laugh.
Payton:Yeah. You can. Well, you know, somebody made a a joke a while back you you you see me all the time I'll say hey if you were struggling with drug or alcohol addiction I'm here here's my number you know and somebody will like put what are you gonna buy me some and I didn't have to my my supporters I'm not gonna call my followers. My supporters. Thank y'all for supporting me.
Payton:They jumped on it. Well, one of my friends here in recovery I don't care if he hears this or not. I'm gonna call him out directly. He said, well, in the big book page 64 paragraph, it says, don't take yourself too seriously. That was my problem again.
Payton:I didn't take myself too seriously. See, don't joke about me helping people. It's different when I joke about, like, a crack pipe or, you know, yeah. I spent all my money on dope. That's different.
Payton:But when I'm making a comment about helping others, don't fuck with me. Yeah. I'll I'll I'll put it flat out to you like that. I don't care if the f bomb offends somebody. If you're offended by that, cool.
Payton:Because I'm not. You know what I mean? And that's where I'm at. They said I didn't worry about what the person that wrote it thinking. You know what?
Payton:They actually messaged me and said, is all your life about recovery? And then blocked me where I couldn't mess them out. I was gonna say absolutely. Mhmm. You know, Anne Haagen Dazs strawberry ice cream.
Payton:You know what I'm saying? I really I was gonna tell me in Haagen Dazs strawberry ice cream. You know? And, even my buddy that, you know, that does the AA way and does the text, that's what they have to do to stay sober. But that's cool that you can go to a text and get your stuff.
Payton:Didn't have to. I got my stuff from sitting in this room with these fine people right now, and everybody knows right now that none of this was correlated. None of it was grafted. We've done this just by our spirit. Yeah.
Payton:You know? And, I wanna thank y'all for having me. And if I can ever help out with anything or anybody that you know, please, I'm available. And, you know, let's make sobriety cool again.
CasieCasem:Yeah. Sobriety is cool.
Payton:You know what I mean?
CasieCasem:Yeah. Absolutely. Make it cool for the people that are in addiction. Like, woah. What is sobriety like?
CasieCasem:Let me figure this out. It is cool. It's really cool to have you on today.
Payton:I've I've really I've been bragging about this for a long time, and I'm glad that it led up to this. You know what I mean? When it was supposed to happen. You know, I was cutting trees today, and all I could think of is I get to go to an interview. You know what I mean?
Payton:Thank you. And and I needed that for my good ego. You have good ego. You have bad ego. You know?
Payton:And I do I do appreciate y'all. And, you know, and, you know, God bless America. Does your shake and bake y'all, and I'm out.
CasieCasem:Thanks, Peyton. Thanks, guys. Thanks for hanging out with us today. And remember, it is awesome to be sober. And if you're looking for somebody look up to, check Peyton Vaughn out.
CasieCasem:He is on all of our outlets and he'll be there on February 9, 2020 when we're doing our love yourself event with Aveda in Tampa. So make sure you guys come out there and check him out.
Payton:Thank you.