Navigating Boundaries with Family and Friends

Just in time for the holiday season, Booth discusses the skill of setting healthy boundaries. You'll hear how childhood shapes your ability to say “no,” practical tips to set healthy boundaries at work and with family, and learn how to navigate relationships with those who refuse to respect your limits.

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• (00:00) - Intro
• (01:14) - The origin of people-pleasing
• (03:06) - The challenge of a flexible schedule
• (05:36) - Setting boundaries at work: two stories
• (09:27) - Setting boundaries with your family
• (13:12) - Boundaries in the holiday season
• (15:19) - What to do when others don't respect your boundaries
• (17:28) - Final thoughts

This podcast is proudly produced by Rooster High Productions.

Creators & Guests

Host

Booth Parker, CPA

Financial guru by day; domestic diva by night and sharing it all in between.

What is MOM-enomics with Booth Parker, CPA?

Real moms. Real mom financial issues. Real moms in business. Real stories. I am Booth Parker. A CPA, wife, and mom that loves all things home and family. In this podcast, I talk all things money for moms, families, and small business. From tips to ideas to info you just need to know, I break it down so moms can apply it to their own families and businesses!

MOM S3 E7 Navigating Boundaries with Family and Friends
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[00:00:00]

Intro
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Booth Parker: Today on MOM-enomics, I am going to talk about boundaries. So if you have heard some of my prior episodes, read some of my blogs, you know that I have addressed people pleasing in the past because it is something I have struggled with my whole life.And people pleasers tend to have a hard time setting boundaries because it's not people pleasing I've always been a little bit jealous, so to speak, of the people that can be firm in their boundaries and don't worry about, you know, upsetting someone or what else. They put themselves and what their needs are first so that they can be the best version of themselves. And that's a lot what boundaries are, is it's not trying to eliminate [00:01:00] people from your life and everything or be selfish or anything like that.

It's the complete opposite. It's keeping your own mental and emotional space like it needs to be to make you be your best and happiest.

The origin of people-pleasing
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Booth Parker: So I have read a good bit about the subject in an effort to help myself with my people pleasing and helping me set and enforce boundaries to make my life better. So, I have learned that most of these issues are created in childhood. So if, as a child, you were encouraged to set boundaries, or you were encouraged to, you know, say how something was making you feel, what was giving you anxiety, what was making you nervous, all of those kind of things. Maybe your parents were really good examples of setting boundaries in their own lives, and that is what you grew up with. Then you're most likely going to have an easier time setting boundaries and doing the same. However, if [00:02:00] you were not encouraged to set boundaries, maybe because it wasn't pleasing to people, or maybe you were shamed and guilted, whenever you did things that weren't pleasing to someone. And I'm not talking about, your mom asked you to clean your room 10 times and you don't. That kind of pleasing.

I'm talking about true guilt and things like that for not doing things that people want you to do that are maybe not aligned with the type of person that you are. So if you were guilted and shamed and kind of controlled as a child and you weren't allowed to have any boundaries, everything was always doing for others and what they wanted, then you're more likely going to have a harder time as an adult setting boundaries for yourself. So boundaries can kind of be twofold, so to speak. So first, some boundaries revolve around, you know, your time availability. These are more, with people kind of outside your family or outside your close circle. And [00:03:00] even though I'm a very strict planner and time manager, I have struggled with this one as well.

The challenge of a flexible schedule
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Booth Parker: So when I was working a job with very set hours, it was actually a little easier to say no to things that logistically just just couldn't work with my schedule. So my work schedule actually created the boundary for me. I'll call it an external boundary, so to speak. And it took the pressure off of me potentially letting people down by just saying no. But then when I became self employed, and then people see a completely wide open and flexible schedule, regardless of what you've already put on it, it can become a lot harder to say no. So I wasn't very good at enforcing an internal boundary that I needed to create because I was worried about not pleasing someone. And I actually missed that external boundary that did the hard stuff for me.

Now, I was gonna have to [00:04:00] do it myself. And before long, my commitments were overwhelming and what was supposed to be a less stressful time for me became a more stressful time for me because I wasn't saying no and I wasn't establishing boundaries with what I was willing to go do. And I was doing things that were not aligned with what I wanted to be doing, or I was doing more than I actually could handle.

I was taking on more than I actually could handle.

And so these boundaries revolve more around when you're asked to do things from a work or a volunteer type situation. You know, I've heard the saying, "If it isn't a hell yes, it's a no." And that phrase sounds great. But it's much easier said than done. I know that's the case for most people.

It's definitely the case for me. So when people know that you are reliable and dependable, so maybe if you aren't reliable and dependable you don't have this problem, but people pleasers tend to be reliable and dependable. So once [00:05:00] people know you are reliable and dependable, they will keep taking and taking and asking and asking of you.

And when people know you have a skill or an ability that can help them in some way, they will do the same. And when you have the people pleasing personality, you continue to do and do for them. That's where I found myself, and it was starting to affect my own family because I was constantly complaining about it to them, rather than setting a boundary and doing something about it.

Setting boundaries at work: two stories
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Booth Parker: So my son is a senior in high school this year, and the days are quickly ticking away before he leaves for college. And I want to soak in all that time. And in a way you could say that this deadline, so to speak, has created a bit of an external boundary for me. And it's made me focus on what really matters to me.

And I've had to make [00:06:00] some hard decisions with my obligations. And I know by doing that, I'm letting some people down. I'm disappointing them, so to speak. I've even made some mad, but I can't let their personal reactions change my decisions. So the truth is that the people who you may let down, but also understand your reasoning, these people won't be mad at you.

They will be understanding. They'll be supportive of the reasoning. They're probably going to miss what you've been doing for them and you might make their life a little harder by not doing it anymore. But most reasonable people will be respectful and understanding of your personal decisions you need to make. On the flip side, though, people that are not respectful of your boundaries, they're the ones that were just using you instead of being grateful for what you were doing for them.

And I actually had an example of both of those this year. So one was a client [00:07:00] whose business had drastically grown and now required about five times the amount of time as it did when I started, and that amount of time was just not going to be feasible for me anymore. So I gave the client a decent, you know, heads up.

I didn't just, you know, peace out one day. And I know the client was disappointed, but they have been gracious and understanding, even though I know I am probably going to make their lives a little harder in the short run. And then on the other hand, I had been volunteering with an organization for a few years and the director of that organization left and 15 months later someone still had not been hired.

Well guess who did pretty much all of the work while there wasn't a director. You got it. Me. And then after all of that work, I am told it is being taken over by another group of people. But I could [00:08:00] still volunteer under their direction if I wanted to, and their direction was not in line with what I had been doing and where this particular venture was going.

So, I ended up having to recuse myself. And, months later, they're still not speaking kindly. They made it obvious that they were not grateful for my hundreds of hours of volunteer work. They just wanted me to continue on. And they were going to take all the credit. They did not want it to be associated with just me, so to speak.

And this right here is why boundaries are so important. You can't continue to break your own neck for ungrateful people. You will never satisfy them. They will always just take and take, and that's why when you put your foot down with people like that, they get mad because they were only [00:09:00] using you to get something that they needed or something that may help them get ahead or look successful.

So that can be a really hard boundary to establish and really enforce because you don't like being bashed for something you don't deserve to be bashed for, but it is a great example of the type of people that you need to be mindful of and that you really do need to set boundaries with.

Setting boundaries with your family
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Booth Parker: The second kind of boundaries, and probably the much harder of the two, are personal boundaries. And while the prior ones I was just talking about, they're personal, I'm talking more about, personal relationships, close relationships, family for the most part. So personal boundaries are the parameters we set for ourselves within our relationships. And boundaries are for you. We have to ask ourselves, what do I want to allow into my life? [00:10:00] How do I want people to treat me? How much access am I going to give of myself to others? So self serving people are typically the ones that will push your boundaries, like the guy from the volunteer situation.

Controlling and manipulative people will also push your boundaries. So if you have been burned by a toxic person, especially one from a close relationship, you are more inclined to make your boundaries more firm because you don't ever want to experience that again.

The thing is, people that make you question your own feelings or ridicule you for your feelings need very limited access to you. Some of our most personal and intimate relationships need boundaries to keep them healthy and keep a mutual respect for each other. For example, some people love to be hugged all the time. And some don't..

When those two types of people end up in a relationship [00:11:00] or even a marriage, they need to understand and respect the boundary of their partner. They need to learn how to read their body language of when they maybe do or don't want a hug. And that's a pretty simple example, but I think it's a great basic one, of how we all have different emotional and physical needs.

So family can often be where the most toxic relationships come into play, and that's where the most boundaries are needed. And for some reason, it seems to be the hardest relationships to establish and enforce them. We feel guilty in setting them. Society can often be the bully and does the whole,

"But it's your family," thing.

Like, no. I'll never understand why the same people that make that statement, "But it's your family," think it is okay for family to treat each other horribly just because they are related [00:12:00] and that you're just supposed to ignore it and accept it and deal with it and let that person continue to be horrible.

So sometimes the best family you will ever have isn't blood relation. If you grew up in a family with toxic people, controlling, manipulative, constantly guilting and belittling... And side note, these people don't act this way outside of the home, so the rest of the world thinks they're great, which is probably why some maybe say, but it's your family. But I digress.

But if you grew up like that, you think that relationships like that are normal, and that's why a lot of them continue to go on and on, because you've just learned to accept them over time. But then you grow up and you actually get a chance to see how healthy relationships work and how they don't create anxiety.

And how you don't have to walk on eggshells around people that are supposed to be close to you. How when you see someone [00:13:00] call and you look at the caller ID and see who it is, how you get fearful almost because you don't know how they're going to treat you that day. Like, that is the type of stuff I'm talking about.

Boundaries in the holiday season
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Booth Parker: So, the holidays are coming up and they can be a huge source of anxiety if you have family that is difficult. Is there someone you dread having to deal with for the day? And I don't mean the silly aunt that tells bad jokes. I mean someone that is truly disrespectful to everyone and just ruins the entire holiday for everyone else and has just been allowed to do this forever.

You don't have to subject yourself to that. And maybe if you are hosting, you start by telling that family member that they're only invited if they're going to be on their best behavior, and that you're not going to tolerate them, treating others poorly. Maybe give some examples of what they've done in the past, and you're going to [00:14:00] ask them to leave if they do.

So, some people will change their behavior once they realize they're being called out for it. And those that won't are the ones that you need a firmer boundary with and to distance yourself from. When I was a little girl, I had an uncle that constantly belittled and demeaned the little girls. His own daughter included.

People wonder why she had very low self esteem. But he constantly had this saying, "That's pretty good for a girl." And he said it in regards to anything, whether it was how you set the table for Thanksgiving, how you're doing in school, a job offer you got out of college, it didn't matter. And no adult ever called him out for it.

They just said, "That's how he is," and accepted it. His toxicity was always allowed. And probably because many of the other family [00:15:00] members were super toxic as well. But as a mom, I am not going to make my child have to endure something like that during every holiday because nobody is willing to address the elephant in the room.

Either the boundary is, "I'm not coming," or the boundary is, "He's going to change his behavior."

What to do when others don't respect your boundaries
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Booth Parker: When people won't respect the boundary, or even acknowledge it, sometimes they'll just try to ignore it and pretend like it isn't there, that you haven't set this boundary, and they won't even acknowledge it. Then that's when you really have to step to a bigger boundary. And you may have to go no contact and kind of end the relationship with that family member.

And if by doing that, it doesn't make that person self reflect on the way they treated you, if that doesn't make someone want to change their behavior to have you in their life, then that boundary is probably the best thing you will ever do for yourself.

It's super [00:16:00] hard to do it, but when your life becomes more peaceful by eliminating a relationship with someone, then you have made the right decision. I mean, life is too short to surround yourself with people that make you miserable. And if you struggle with setting boundaries, because I have, but I have made these big steps, I have done the big, boundaries, and ended relationships with people that were basically ruining my life and making me miserable and my life is much more peaceful without them.

So if you struggle with setting boundaries and it is taking a toll on you mentally, emotionally, or physically, start by writing down what is overwhelming you or bothering you? What, or rather who, gives you anxiety? Is it someone that you can sit down with and talk through things and improve the relationship?

Maybe you try to talk through it and the other person clearly doesn't have [00:17:00] any respect for what you have to say or any small boundaries you're trying to establish. Maybe that person even belittles you for trying to bring it up. So, if that person is clearly making it obvious that they are not going to self reflect, they are not going to change, they're not going to try to work on the relationship with you, that's when that person is telling you that that bigger boundary is going to be needed.

Final thoughts
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Booth Parker: Think about your own needs and start from there. Think about what would make your life more peaceful and have the conversations and the conversations can be hard. And they may lead to losing the relationship, which can also be very hard. But a peaceful life is a beautiful thing and sometimes you have to create boundaries to give yourself that peace of mind.

And it's definitely worth starting small and seeing if that will fix [00:18:00] the situation, but you always have to be prepared to set the big boundary if that is what is needed for you. So, I hope your holidays are not anxiety filled with, the need for crazy boundaries or anything. But for those of you who do struggle with this, know you're not alone.

And I have learned that a lot of people, struggle with setting boundaries and struggle with, you know, the difficult family relationships. So, know you're not alone and that boundaries can be a beautiful thing and lead to peace and contentment in your life and better relationships. So until next time, take care.

[00:19:00]