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Mainstream mental health is flawed and I’m pulling back the curtain.
I’m Andrea Clark, a former family therapist, who walked away from the system to expose the truth. After my own journey from medication maze to holistic healing, I’m here to challenge the status quo and reveal the mental health truths most people don’t know.
”The Truth About Mental Health” is your radical roadmap to wellness. Raw stories, expert insights, breakthrough solutions – this is where traditional modalities end and real healing begins.
Melani Sessa (00:00)
Hey, Andrea, I am so excited to see you.
Andrea Clark (00:01)
Thank you.
I'm so excited to see you. you guys, Melanie and I are long time friends actually. So we met in ⁓ Amare, our affiliate company, our network marketing company where we promote ⁓ holistic supplements for mental health. And we've done many collaborations and projects together throughout the years, through our different iterations of services we offer and brands and
all sorts of things and we've traveled together. It's been, she's an amazing human being and we have a long time friendship. So I'm excited to have her on. Okay, so before we dive into the movement that you're creating with grace and grief, want, can you just tell people a little bit about you, who you are, where you live, your life, what you do?
Melani Sessa (00:41)
You are too.
Sure,
sure. So my name is Melanie with an O-E at the end. That's a big part of who I am. Thanks, mom and dad. And I live in New York state, about an hour north of New York City. I'm a mom of three and I have a fur baby that I never thought I would have because I'm not a fan of dogs, but I have one that I love. And my husband and I are married almost 29 years. And I've been in some sort of marketing space for gosh, since I graduated.
college in 1992. So that's how old I am.
Andrea Clark (01:31)
so you've been in the marketing space. So I'm assuming you've lived your life out loud for quite a long time. Okay. So tell us a little bit about this movement that you've created, the grace and grief movement. Like what exactly is this?
Melani Sessa (01:37)
Yes, for sure, for sure.
So it was something I didn't expect to create. It was just a space that I created for me to process my own grief. as someone, I express myself best through writing. And people have always told me that just because of whatever reason, different things I've written. But when I experienced the death of my son last year, that was in June, in August, I just started, I said, I need a place to have an outpouring.
of how I'm feeling. And so I took an Instagram account that I had started and did nothing with it. But I said, all right, well, I'm just going to rename it. I'm going to start it. I'm going to kick it off. And that was in August of twenty twenty four. And at this time of this recording, which is August twenty twenty five, I have almost sixty seven thousand followers, which I didn't expect. I wasn't looking for I wasn't there to do anything but process my own grief.
Andrea Clark (02:37)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's incredible. So you're building a whole community around this.
Melani Sessa (02:49)
Yeah, yeah. What I find
is that people, everyone grieves, everyone grieves, and it's just something, somewhere where people can feel seen, heard, and loved.
Andrea Clark (02:58)
Yeah. So can you share a little bit about what led you to this place of grief? The journey, whatever you want to share about the loss of your son and how that's impacted your life and your family's life.
Melani Sessa (03:11)
Yes, sure.
So in June, he died unexpectedly. And that just threw our whole family into a state of shock, trauma, grief. All of it is true. All of it makes sense. All of it shows up in different ways in each person. for my son, I have two other children who are still with me.
my son who is younger than my son who passed away. So my son who passed away is my oldest. Then I have another son and then a daughter. And it was just so devastating. It is still devastating for them. For my son, was his best friend growing up. It was his brother. They just had a great relationship. And I remember looking at pictures of them, you know, after my son died and saying, wow, they always were like in a good mood together. I mean, they fought like brothers do. But my older son always included my younger son with his friends
And he always had his arm around him or was touching him in some way. They had such a great relationship. And then my daughter, she's eight years younger than my son who passed away. So she got to experience a big brother as well. But she told me something the other day. She's going to be a senior in high school this year coming up. And so Antonio is the same name of my son who passed. So he.
passed right after her junior year. And she had been struggling in school, wasn't really putting in her effort is what I should say. She's not, and then she told me the other day when I saw her grade point average for her complete junior year. So he died at the end of her sophomore year, the last day of school. And then her junior year, her grade point average total went up 12 points. And I'm like, man, she goes, mom, I decided that I was going to, this makes me very emotional. I was gonna,
Andrea Clark (04:31)
Yeah.
Wow.
Melani Sessa (04:53)
make Antonio proud of me and I was going to use what happened to him, to us as a family as something to do something good about it. And so I finally started focusing in school and did my work because she's smart, but when you don't apply yourself. And I'm just so proud of her for choosing that because it was so easy to choose something else.
Andrea Clark (05:01)
you
Yeah.
Yeah, it is easy to choose something else, especially when you're grieving. Right?
Melani Sessa (05:17)
Yep, there's a
lot of ways to feel better.
Andrea Clark (05:21)
Yes, there are a lot of ways to feel better. So with this process of the loss of your son and grieving out loud, what are some things that you've learned like about the journey of grief? Because this probably isn't your first time grieving, but this is probably one of the most significant things you've ever grieved in your life. Yes.
Melani Sessa (05:45)
Correct.
Sure. we grieve things, death of things, whether it's a death of a person or death of a relationship or a death of an opportunity, whatever that is. So my dad did pass in 2020 and it was a different grief. I guess maybe because of the way he passed or the expectation that or that you know your parents are usually gonna pass before you. ⁓ And so when Antonio died, it just for me, it changed so much. put for me,
Andrea Clark (05:48)
Thank
Yeah.
Melani Sessa (06:13)
I say it put a magnifying glass on life. That the things that used to bother me didn't, but some things that didn't bother me started to. Yeah, and so I explain it this way. It's like a spectrum. I became more benevolent in some areas and more bold in other areas. You know, things that I would have just let, okay, well, I'll just let them be kind of things because I didn't want to ruffle feathers. I ruffle feathers now.
Andrea Clark (06:16)
Hmm
Interesting.
Melani Sessa (06:41)
But then things that are not, I know you'd love that. And then things that don't need to be roughly, I just don't, you the little everyday annoyances things, it's like, it's really not that important.
Andrea Clark (06:42)
Yeah, girl!
Yes.
Can we talk about that part a little bit first, like how I've experienced my own grief and how I've seen others is sometimes that it really helps them have this radical transformation where they just let go of stuff that they were happy they had their own like death grip on that made them in a lot of ways really unhappy or angry or whatever it was, right?
Melani Sessa (07:12)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Andrea Clark (07:18)
And
I'm not saying that that stuff, you don't have to work through it. Like we all know if you listen to this podcast that I have a lot of things in my life I've had to work through. I interview lots of people, but it's kind of like what we do with things in the long, long term. And I've noticed that some people allow grief to change them for the better long-term, right?
Melani Sessa (07:41)
Yeah,
I agree.
Andrea Clark (07:43)
And I'm curious if you feel that that has happened with you.
Melani Sessa (07:47)
I so. I believe so. And the way that I can see it is my reactions to certain things. And let's just put it out there. Marriage. Okay, let's just put that out there. Marriage is difficult, even in the best circumstances. And so little things that my husband, like the annoyances, that's like, there he does it again. I told him not to do it. There he did it again. Right? That I'm like, you know what? Who cares? I'll just...
Andrea Clark (07:48)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Melani Sessa (08:11)
do the thing. It's not a major thing. It's not a life altering thing. It's not a marriage destroying thing. It's just a little thing like make the bed. I love when he makes the bed. Don't he know when he makes the bed? I tell him I love when he makes a bed when he does when he doesn't make the bed. I don't get on him anymore. I'm just like, all right, whatever. Maybe he was busy. Whatever. I just don't it's not worth the aggravation in my life because it's again, like I said before, it puts a magnifying glass on life when you go through the worst pain in your life.
Andrea Clark (08:28)
Mm-hmm.
Melani Sessa (08:40)
Everything else is like, all right, well, who cares?
Andrea Clark (08:43)
Yeah, yeah, totally. So what has that, tell me a little bit about what that has done, like for the things that you are learning to let go of that you're like, this isn't worth it, it doesn't matter, I don't need to put so much emphasis on this. What has that done for your own mental health? So the brief part aside, the last part aside, perspective that you've shifted into.
Melani Sessa (09:00)
Yeah. Yeah.
Andrea Clark (09:06)
What is that done for your mental health, your physical well being some of your relationships?
Melani Sessa (09:11)
Why does this question get me emotional?
Andrea Clark (09:13)
It's okay that you're emotional. It's a whole emotional thing.
Melani Sessa (09:17)
No one's asked me that question before. It's just, what has it done for my mental health? Well.
I find more joy in things that I didn't find joy in before. Because I know how fleeting this could be.
Andrea Clark (09:28)
Yeah. It's like you have a different level of reverence now for life, relationships, things. Yeah.
Melani Sessa (09:34)
Yep, I say yes.
I say yes more often than saying no. One of the things with my husband is he, we're very different. Obviously everybody marries somebody different than them, but he loves to go out at night. And I don't mean like weird things. We have like activities, whether it's, he does. Very social and I'm social, but I get exhausted from like too much of the social. So this weekend I said, you know what? I'm just gonna say yes. So Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night and all day Sunday.
Andrea Clark (09:38)
Mm.
Yeah. He loves to dance. He's very social.
Melani Sessa (10:04)
I was with him. I know, right? Who is this person? So I was out with him. And it's interesting because some of the places we went, he's a regular. And there's people I know there too. And they're like, wow, it's nice to see you. We never see you out. I'm like, yeah, I'd really rather be home. whatever. I did that because I don't want to miss out on something that could be meaningful to me. Now there's a time to be home. I'm not saying go out all the time. But that has to
Andrea Clark (10:04)
my gosh, you're wild.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Melani Sessa (10:29)
I don't want to waste an opportunity because nothing is promised. Nothing.
Andrea Clark (10:33)
Is
it has how you shifted in that regard? Has that shifted anything in your marriage like brought you and your husband closer together or having more fun together? Have you seen any shifts in that way?
Melani Sessa (10:46)
I think it's just an amount, I don't know the word is, all this stuff together. Like I don't get annoyed at him as easily, means we, exactly, which means we don't argue, which means he asks me out more. He's like, I'm one of the.
Andrea Clark (10:54)
It's an accumulative effect. ⁓
Yeah, he won't hang
out with you more because you're not mad at him.
Melani Sessa (11:05)
Right, because it's easy to get mad at people. mean, it's easy to get offended.
Andrea Clark (11:08)
Yes it is. Listen, and let's be
real, your husband's amazing, but he can definitely poke poke poke, right?
Melani Sessa (11:15)
You
know, the person you marry will be 29 years next Monday, goodness, he knows how to press my buttons and I know how to press his. So I've refrained from button pressing, you know?
Andrea Clark (11:22)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah,
that's amazing, Melanie. Seriously. ⁓
Melani Sessa (11:28)
But the conversations
are, I approach conversations differently. I'm not perfect, but it's different because I have the reverence for our relationship at the head versus my rights.
Andrea Clark (11:39)
Mm Yeah, that's incredible. That's incredible. so you're saying yes more. What about other areas of your life? Have have you gained a perspective for some other things?
Melani Sessa (11:47)
Yes. Sure
have. So in my business, I'm just having more fun. I don't take it as seriously, even though business is serious. I don't take it as seriously. Like it's, it's just, I'm going to show up. I'm going to be me. I'm going to do the things and then let the chips fall where they may. You know, I'm just, I'm going to do the things. not just saying, well, whatever business should come to me. It's just, I'm not so wound up in the results. I just allow the results to come.
Andrea Clark (12:06)
next
That's amazing.
Melani Sessa (12:18)
Yeah, relationships, you know, I just, I let them happen. I don't force, I don't get upset. If someone doesn't wanna be with me, my friend, whatever, that's fine, it's okay. You know, I've appreciated my value as a human being more. It's just, again, it puts a magnifying glass on everything. And it's also, I appreciated the things that I need to change too. You know, there's shame and guilt a lot.
Andrea Clark (12:42)
Yeah.
Melani Sessa (12:44)
in the death of my son. Well, not a lot, I things that I'm like, I wish I wish I could have XYZ differently. And I know I was a great mom. I have all of his friends telling me all the things he said about me and our relationship. And I remember one of our not one of our last conversations, but a year before he passed away, he called me in the middle of the night. Twenty three years old, call me in middle of the night, two o'clock in the morning and just wanted to talk.
Andrea Clark (12:49)
Yeah, totally.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Melani Sessa (13:09)
And that is just one of the most precious memories I have of him as an adult. And he was like, at the end, you know, thanks, Mom. And that was it. know, whatever I said, I don't even remember. We were talking about life and things and he just needed somebody to talk to and I was there.
Andrea Clark (13:16)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah, you were always there for him. Yeah. So what about some of these things? What about some of the perspective you said that you've gotten more bold? Let's talk about that. You know, I like that.
Melani Sessa (13:34)
⁓ okay, so. I
know you do. So on my grief account, I have certain things that I like to talk about because they're my story. And whether you resonate with my story or not, that's okay, I don't care. So one of the things I talk about, and we mentioned this earlier, is don't ask a griever the circumstances of the death of their loved one. And I go, you're gonna love this story. So I say that and it riles people up.
Andrea Clark (13:43)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Melani Sessa (14:04)
Well, people want to know how they can possibly learn from you to prevent death. I said, you can't prevent death. How about that? You know, it's either an accident or self-inflicted. There's so many reasons why someone can die. If we could prevent death, you know, no one would die. It's not going to happen. But what I like to say is instead of asking about how someone died, ask them how they lived. Ask them questions about who the person was and special things about them.
Andrea Clark (14:11)
No.
Melani Sessa (14:31)
That is going to bring life into the heart and the face. You're going to see it in the griever. But people hate when I say that because people are curious. They're nosy.
Andrea Clark (14:36)
Yeah.
They are, they're so nosy. I'm so nosy.
Melani Sessa (14:44)
We are, but on the other side of that, I don't ask anymore. I don't. No, people will share.
Andrea Clark (14:46)
Yeah, really, that's interesting. Good for you. You know,
people I believe that too, like, I'm curious, but I feel like just because somebody shares something online, or they share something, it's like they're going to share the amount that they want to share. And or they'll give you a very clear indication that they want you to ask a question.
Melani Sessa (15:10)
correct.
Andrea Clark (15:11)
when you are, you know, using your wisdom and you're really actually tuning into the person versus just like letting all these questions spin. And I don't feel that it's my right to go into people's DMs or send them text messages and be asking them a bunch of questions about things. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Melani Sessa (15:31)
No, unless it's a friend.
have perfect strangers reaching out to me and I get it and I don't get mad at them. I'm just like, why is society like this? Instead of looking to heal the griever, you just want to satisfy your curiosity and that does nothing. You knowing about the circumstances of someone's death does nothing for you. But what it does, it brings back the pain of the worst day of your life, of the griever's life.
Andrea Clark (15:52)
Right. ⁓
Yeah, I agree.
⁓ When I got divorced from my first husband, we got divorced because of him having infidelity with a friend. we had a very, you we had, you know, I tried to save my marriage and it was very painful, the whole thing, very traumatizing. And there were a lot of people knew about it because I lived in a small town at the time and there were people involved with this scenario. And I found that I was avoiding leaving my house because
I'd run into people and instead of just like asking me how I am or talking about what's new or whatever, they would ask me, how's that going or whatever. And then they'd like ask me questions about the details about people involved or this, you know, just whatever. And it was so triggering and traumatizing because I'd have to relive like.
Melani Sessa (16:40)
Right.
Andrea Clark (16:51)
And I did work with a therapist at the time and I told her I'm like, I don't know what to do. I'm always like, blindsided by like, why are they like, we meet, you know, we happen to see each other at the grocery store or restaurant, whatever. And then it sends me into fight or flight. Like I just feel and then I'm like, my mind spinning with the details and how I felt and all these things. And so she gave me a couple like we worked on a couple of
just responses that I could have like in my back pocket that essentially would kind of diffuse and redirect the conversation, which really helped. And I used it, you know? And it's also something I teach just in like when I teach people boundaries in general, when people are like asking you or pushing on a topic that you can like just redirect the conversation.
Melani Sessa (17:42)
That's helpful, that's incredibly helpful.
Andrea Clark (17:44)
Yeah,
and so I can only imagine it's just like, people just aren't always thoughtful about that, or they're allowing their curiosity. But I do think that they don't understand how, how Trump like re traumatizing when you're reliving these things. And especially when it's really extra raw, that it's like, so it's really tough. Let's talk about that. Like, tell me a little bit about your own experience or percept.
perception or how you've experienced when people are asking you for details, what that has, like what that makes you feel or how that, how your body has responded to that.
Melani Sessa (18:20)
⁓ it's
like a tightness. It brings me back to the bad places in my mind, the guilt, the shame. it's just not a positive thing. There's nothing positive about it when someone asks me those circumstances. People on my grief account will share openly. I lost my whoever from cancer, they start. That's fine. I just don't because I don't want to go down that sequential
questioning.
Andrea Clark (18:48)
No, yeah,
because then there's other questions. Well, did you do that? Like for I'll just use my as an example, like, well, did you guys go to counseling? Did you this? And I'm like, yeah, we did all of that. Like, I feel like you're trying to in a way like insinuate that I that I could have created a different outcome. And it's like, I did every frickin thing I frickin could. I don't need to explain that to you. Like, how is that helpful to you for me to explain to you?
Melani Sessa (19:12)
Exactly.
Andrea Clark (19:16)
You know what I mean? It would really upset me and make me feel, and then I'd be running through stuff in my mind like, well, just very traumatizing. That's like the best word to explain it, very traumatizing. Yeah. So how do you respond now to people when they
Melani Sessa (19:17)
Correct.
It really is.
I say either I prefer to talk about how he lived and then another response, yeah, another response is his body stopped working. That's it. So I prefer the first one, but if people are just like needling, needling, I just say body stopped working and that's it. People will reach out to me in my emails and my DMs curious about.
Andrea Clark (19:43)
really.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Melani Sessa (20:02)
his the circumstance and I don't understand why the circumstances of his death these are complete strangers I know
Andrea Clark (20:05)
I would never do that to somebody, but I understand people
are pretty bold. We live in a, you know, this is something I've been thinking about a lot lately as I've been shifting to not spending as much time online in between like outputting content. I've been thinking about how we live in a world where people think that they have a certain amount of like, I'm not gonna say it the way I wanna say it, but,
Melani Sessa (20:20)
Thank you.
Permission, Yeah.
Andrea Clark (20:31)
Yes, they're like entitled. like
you have a, like if you are some sort of public figure or you have some sort of marketing business where you're putting a lot of things out there or you're online a lot, right? And between text and email and online and DMs and you know, it's like,
People now just feel like they should have access to you all the time and access to whatever information about you they want is how I feel.
Melani Sessa (21:04)
Yeah,
well that's because we did a really good job of showing up because people will say, I feel that way, I understand you put into words what I feel. So they feel connected to you. And so a natural next step is they wanna get to know you personally. And that's one of the questions that people will ask is circumstances. I've actually met with two women who are local to me, who found me and are on my grief account to meet with them for coffee.
Andrea Clark (21:16)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Aww.
Melani Sessa (21:33)
Right? Because they felt, and one of them shared the circumstances of her child's death before I ever did because she's like, I just have to talk because you understand. And then she shared it. I didn't ask.
Andrea Clark (21:44)
Yeah, yeah, people will typically, when they feel safe, they'll typically most of the time share what they wanna share and what feels healing for them.
Melani Sessa (21:54)
Correct. Yeah. 100%.
Andrea Clark (21:55)
Yes,
yeah, I truly believe that. So how are you protecting, so at the same time that you're creating this movement, how are you protecting your mental health? Because listen, when we share things that are vulnerable and then people have things to say, you have to work on protecting your mental health around that. So how are you doing that?
Melani Sessa (22:14)
Well, well, I think the fact that I'm just sharing my story is very healing for me. And that the outpouring of that helps my mental health. Obviously, you and I both use products that help our bodies to respond. And I didn't realize the impact that grief would have on me physically, mentally and emotionally. So you combine that with going through different stages of menopause. You know, you got the hormones everywhere going all over. So it affects.
Andrea Clark (22:21)
Mm-hmm.
Melani Sessa (22:42)
So what I do a lot, and I have a couple of free resources that I give to my community, is I journal a lot. It helps me to get how I'm feeling out there. I have a strong relationship with God, spending a lot of time with God in prayer. I have a memorial table set up for my son where I have pictures of him and certain things that are special to me on there. And so I do certain things every day to help me.
Andrea Clark (22:50)
Yeah.
Melani Sessa (23:11)
I'm not going to say move forward because you don't move forward to continue to process this new thing in me Grief will never leave me the how I how I choose to respond to it Will change because I know I have a choice I can choose to medicate alcohol Food, whatever it is. There's so many things that are not good for me, but I'm choosing
Andrea Clark (23:26)
Yes.
Melani Sessa (23:36)
and I'm not a superstar, but I'm choosing to do things that are healthier for me and that really helps my mental, emotional and physical health.
Andrea Clark (23:44)
Yeah, I wanna talk, you said something that sparked a thought in me. This, you will never move forward. What do you, can you explain to me by that? Because life does go on regardless, right? That's something, that was a hard lesson I learned after my very traumatic relationship situation ending is that like,
Melani Sessa (23:59)
It does.
Andrea Clark (24:08)
Life goes on people, know, it's like, used to be like, does anybody realize what's happened? What this is so right when I was really in my trauma and my upset feelings. And I'm like, everybody's just moved on. Like, as if this never happened. This is crazy. It like blew my minds. But yeah, it's so it's it's an interesting phenomenon that I think unless you grieve the loss of something.
Melani Sessa (24:10)
now.
now.
felt that way too.
Andrea Clark (24:33)
you don't really fully get it where people just something traumatic happens or you're grieving that trauma and it's like after a bit everybody's moved on but you're like still picking up the pieces and you're just kind of like what's going on like this is weird it's a weird me
Melani Sessa (24:48)
Yeah, I think there's a couple
of things there. First of all, I agree with you. Like, why is anybody moving forward when I just lost my son? Like, how is that even possible? How is how is it that you're smiling? And the first year I didn't I didn't do Thanksgiving. I didn't go to wedding showers, baby shower. I didn't do any of that. I just couldn't. I was protecting my mental health and people understood. So I just lost the thought that I was going to have. So that
Andrea Clark (25:10)
Yeah.
It's okay.
Melani Sessa (25:14)
That was the first year. But moving forward, think that society feels, and people will say comments, are you over that yet? Or how's that going for you? Are you done grieving? know, I people will say that. Grief is a, I know, right? Are you done grieving?
Andrea Clark (25:30)
I'm laughing. Are you done grieving? I'm
laughing like that. I've just it's anyway, it doesn't matter. That was rude of me to laugh. I just think people are so wild sometimes.
Melani Sessa (25:41)
It isn't. And you know what? That's the kind of grace that I, that's why I call it grace and grief, because that's the kind of grace I've tried to give people. They don't know.
Andrea Clark (25:46)
They also just felt, some people felt
like they had to be done grieving because maybe the people around them pressured them. And so in their mind, they like got done grieving and they moved on, right? Like people, people shove shit down, like.
Melani Sessa (26:01)
And that's not good. And I'm so grateful that I was led to create this account because that has helped me so much to get it out, to get it out. And it resonates with people, obviously, because it wouldn't have grown so much. But I think it's not more about moving on, it's about moving along with. And it's like a marriage, you know, or any relationship, it changes as you grow with it. And so Antonio is always gonna be a part of my life.
Andrea Clark (26:03)
No!
Yeah.
Yeah.
Melani Sessa (26:30)
I'm not even going to say what I was going to say because my mother might listen to this, but you know, he's still, he's still, I'll tell you off camera, but he's always going to be my son, right? That's never going to change. He's just no longer living on earth. He's in heaven and I know that. So I carry him with me and it's someone gave me an analogy and it's very good.
Andrea Clark (26:37)
Okay.
Yeah.
Melani Sessa (26:50)
It's like a pebble or stone in your pocket. It's heavy at first, but then you strengthen around it. And the pebble or the stone is still there, but you've strengthened around it. So I'll never be over my grief. I'll never forget Antonio. Antonio makes an impact on pretty much everything I do because of how his leaving me has transformed me and our family and the things we experience. But it's just always going to be...
a part of I am, have a choice of how I allow it to live in me.
Andrea Clark (27:19)
Yes.
So let's talk about that, the choice of how you allow it to live in you. So this is like, I have my own personal experiences with grief, but I also have a clinical background, right? And so I've seen a lot of things with people and it really is, in the beginning, it's very raw. So I'm not necessarily talking about like the first six months or a year or whatever. nobody can put a specific timeframe on people's journey.
But I do, I do, so for example, know Seth, his grandma, they lost Seth's grandpa when Seth was like 12. Okay, well Seth is 42, so that's been 30 years. And the way that she lived her life was as if her husband died like a month ago, right? And so, and,
Melani Sessa (28:01)
30.
⁓ okay, yeah.
Andrea Clark (28:18)
It she didn't allow herself to really live like it was almost like she died with him in a way and it was just everything was that right for her and She didn't allow herself like you said to How did you phrase it how you how you choose it yeah, it was like it was it was very it was a very interesting and I've seen that actually a lot with with many people where
Melani Sessa (28:25)
Yeah.
Cheers.
Andrea Clark (28:45)
It's like they just stop as a human being and that's they get frozen in time in that time frame. And they're really unhappy and sad and not well and all of that. And I'm curious how you choose to live with this situation, right? Because you still have a life that you're living. You still have two other children. You have a marriage. Like how you choose to live and thrive.
Melani Sessa (28:50)
Hmm.
Yeah.
Andrea Clark (29:11)
Even while you carry this in your pocket, as you say.
Melani Sessa (29:15)
because I want to honor my son with the life that I get to live without him. That's really what it boils down to. And people will say, well, your son would want you to X, Y, Well, you don't. You didn't know my son. But I'm choosing, just like my daughter did, that his death, again, put a magnifying glass on life. And what I I still get to be here and I still get to do the things that God has has put in my heart to do. And Tony was
Andrea Clark (29:20)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Melani Sessa (29:41)
Antonio's mission is over. He didn't die sooner than he was supposed to. That was the plan all along. I believe that firmly. And so I didn't know it was going to be that, but it was. And so don't know what, I mean, I could lose anybody at any time and anybody could. And so I carry this badge of honor that I get to be the mom who brought him into the world and sent him back into heaven.
Andrea Clark (29:52)
Right.
Yeah, yeah, that's a, that's like a, it's a very beautiful, first of all, choice and perspective to have, because you could have a completely different perspective and you could be a completely different persons sitting in front of me right now. You know what I mean? A lot, people get really upset when I say everything's a choice.
Melani Sessa (30:22)
I could.
It really is.
Andrea Clark (30:28)
They get really
upset with me. And I'm like, but you don't understand. I'm not saying that if you choose to thrive with a circumstance still going on, that it takes away any of the pain or the trauma or the heart. It's called living in polar, like there are polarities in life every single second of the day, right? You are learning to navigate the polarity of this horrible loss.
and this grief, but then also still honoring that you can have a thriving life, right?
Melani Sessa (31:06)
Yeah, I think some people might think that if they choose to live that it would dishonor the memory of their lost one loved one where I switch it around and I say I'm choosing to live because I got to be his mom for his whole life. Whole life. And I'm going to live in response to that.
Andrea Clark (31:22)
Yeah.
Why do you think people think that it's dishonoring to keep living and find perspective? I don't understand that personally, why that would be dishonoring. And I'm just curious, it, well, I'm wondering if it's a fear that like, a person doesn't only focus on this and the loss and the sadness and this person is gone, that that means they never existed in the first place or something.
Melani Sessa (31:36)
Mm-hmm.
Well, that's a very interesting question because my brain went there in the beginning. I'm like, did he really exist? Was he here? And I talk about that. I also think it's a cultural thing. And here's why. know, we have funerals and wakes and we're in black. And I remember when I was a study abroad student in Spain, there was the grandma in black every day. Right. And so maybe they see that as an honor that there's
Andrea Clark (31:56)
Just.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Melani Sessa (32:19)
the constant mourning and I could choose that, but I would be no good for society, for my family, for the memory of my son. But why do people choose to do that? I think maybe they're afraid. They're afraid if they choose to move in with their grief and make it a positive thing that the depth of their sorrow wouldn't be appreciated. But no one's gonna appreciate your sorrow except for you.
Andrea Clark (32:45)
I mean, it's true. It's true because after a while, because the people around you are impacted the same way. So it's not like they can appreciate your sorrow the way you appreciate your sorrow. It's so accurate. That's how I felt with that situation. It was like, do they not understand how serious this is and how horrible and how traumatic this has been and the betrayal and the loss and I'm a single mom now and and it was like this.
Melani Sessa (32:55)
Yes.
Yes.
Andrea Clark (33:10)
I felt like I was in this glass box and I was screaming and everybody was walking past and waving and they just didn't see it they didn't get it. And I look back now and it's kind of like, well, what exactly did, what were they supposed to do? I mean, they did a lot of the things that were the supportive things. They would check in on me and they would listen to me when I wanted to talk about whatever, or it's not like they didn't care, but it's kind of like,
Are they supposed to freeze in time with me or something? Do you know what I mean?
Melani Sessa (33:41)
And in the beginning, we would love that. We would. But it's not it's not practical. And I did have so many people sit with me the first two weeks, three weeks. Wonderful. People sent meals. People did all these. And it was wonderful. And people do what they can. But nothing will take away that pain. We have to walk in it in the way that we feel is best for us. And for me, was a faith was a huge part of that and understanding who Antonio was and that he was in the arms of his creator now.
Andrea Clark (33:43)
Of course! Of course.
Yeah.
Melani Sessa (34:11)
and I got to send him off.
Andrea Clark (34:13)
Yeah, yeah. What, for anybody listening who is maybe still, maybe they haven't even allowed themselves to fully process these things, maybe they've had a loss or they're grieving a situation like mine or whatever, where it's a different kind of loss, but loss, loss is loss in a lot of ways. And so ⁓ what would you say to those people?
Melani Sessa (34:30)
And then we'll have a.
Andrea Clark (34:39)
who maybe haven't even allowed themselves to fully process. Because there's a lot of those people out there too.
Melani Sessa (34:43)
Yeah.
There is, and I have to ask them, are you content with what's happening now in your mind, your body, your spirit? So many people I talk to are just drowning, they're drowning, years and years and years beyond, it's affecting their marriages, they're affecting their being a mother. I've had young adults reach out to me and say, well, when my sibling died 10 years ago, my mother stopped caring for us.
So it's just, there's so much there. And that's like what you said and what I said, it's a choice every day. First, would, know, whatever help you need, whether it's therapy or journaling out or finding a group that can help you, even if it's a Facebook group for now, but the only person who can really help you is you choosing that you're ready, that you want to live your life in a response.
to the love that you have for your person and not because that person is not here and living in the sorrow that they're still not here. If that makes sense. Like Antonio was my first child. He was my love. He used to tell me when he was a little boy, mommy, we're gonna be boyfriends and girlfriends, right? Like all this stuff comes up. So remembering those good times and because they were precious and they were sacred, but then move forward because there's more precious and sacred times ahead.
Andrea Clark (35:44)
It does.
Melani Sessa (36:04)
Whether you have other children or you like you, have a spouse now and we will always grieve. It's not over. It's like love. I'll always love him and I will always grieve him. That's really it.
Andrea Clark (36:10)
Yeah.
Yeah,
yeah, if that's the thing, I think is really important for people who maybe don't understand this and they have a loved one who is experiencing grief or has experienced a significant loss is that it like the impact of that never goes away. So, you know,
⁓ every year when our anniversary comes up I there it's just it's uncomfortable for me it's uncomfortable even though I don't even want to be married it's not even but it's like a it's like it reminds me of a of a whole life that I would have had if for my daughter and he and I would have had if maybe things had gone differently it's a loss of a whole life that I thought I was gonna have
Melani Sessa (36:49)
Of course.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Andrea Clark (37:09)
and that I thought my daughter was gonna have, even more so. And ⁓ there's like moments that come up like that. And I just honor myself and I let myself have my feelings and process it. I don't shove it down, I don't ignore it. And, you know, the saying like time heals wounds. don't believe that, but I do think that with time you learn how to navigate things in different ways that are
Melani Sessa (37:12)
Yeah. Yeah.
Andrea Clark (37:34)
healthy and helpful. And it doesn't mean that the impact doesn't keep happening, but it's, you just learn how to hold it differently at different seasons.
Melani Sessa (37:36)
agree.
I
Yeah, yeah, I mourn the future grandchildren that I would have had or the future daughter-in-law or whatever. Growing old with him, he would be the one to take care of Yeah, yeah, I grieve that. when my father died, I grieve the fact that he would never see any of his grandchildren get married. It's loss. And it's the sooner that we appreciate and accept that loss is a part of life,
Andrea Clark (37:53)
him grow up even more.
Melani Sessa (38:11)
the more strength we will have to continue forward because we're gonna have more loss.
Andrea Clark (38:16)
Yeah, totally.
Melani Sessa (38:18)
And none of us was
ever promised a life without loss and pain.
Andrea Clark (38:22)
I agree, but a lot of people feel like that should.
Melani Sessa (38:26)
No, people have
lost their faith because of losing a child. And I understand that depth of pain, but I've chosen not to do that because it really is no choice.
Andrea Clark (38:37)
Well, and I think whether you believe in God or not, because not everybody who listens to this podcast does, but I think regardless, there's nowhere it's written nowhere in any history book or the body anywhere, right? Whether you read it, but it does, there is no promise that life isn't gonna life that we won't experience some pain or loss or painful surprises, right? Because
Melani Sessa (38:41)
Ask.
Yep. Nope.
Yeah.
Andrea Clark (39:03)
of the just different domino effects that are constantly merging all the time from from so many things and it's an I think that a lot of people make their suffering make their pain they turn their pain from pain to suffering because of their unreasonable expectations they have about what they think life should be like
Melani Sessa (39:03)
Yes.
Yep, and that's the point. And you're right, I understand not everybody has a faith in God, but you're absolutely right. There's no where ever that anyone's had a life without loss and pain and tragedy, no one.
Andrea Clark (39:39)
Yeah, yeah, you're not living if you don't have some of that in your life. And I'm not saying all of life has to be hard and tragic and painful all the time, because it doesn't. But I think that if you think that it shouldn't at all, that's where you're setting yourself up for painful things becoming a place where you just are really suffering. Suffering is mostly, obviously, besides extreme circumstances, self-inflicted when it comes to like emotional pain and expectations and...
Melani Sessa (39:46)
No.
Andrea Clark (40:08)
anger about how things have gone. It's like, you know, I mean, hello, like I'm a prime example. Like I, I just fed my own suffering for years. And so, I think, I think it's beautiful that you aren't feeding your suffering. You have pain, you have grief, you have sadness, you have hard days, moments, but you're also choosing to live in, pull in the tension of polarity in your life.
Melani Sessa (40:09)
That's the point.
Andrea Clark (40:34)
where there are good things as well. And one doesn't cancel the other and vice versa. That's the thing.
Melani Sessa (40:40)
doesn't. It's very, very normal for grief, sadness, happiness, and joy to all live at the same time.
Andrea Clark (40:47)
Yes, yes, I wish more people knew that and understood that because they would just not be as unwell and sad and have like mental health challenges that they do and the physical challenges that they do. ⁓ Let's talk about for a minute though how your faith has helped you with this because I do think that that's important. think that
Melani Sessa (41:00)
Right, agreed.
Andrea Clark (41:09)
I'm not here to tell people what they should believe, but I think that having faith in something bigger than yourself is a very important part of healing and moving through life and life's challenges. And I often find that people who don't have faith, and this isn't a judgment, this is just an observation, really struggle even more so. I'm not saying people who have faith don't struggle, okay, because they do. But I find that people who can't
see that there's something bigger past them, really struggle with why something's happening or how it happened or things like that. And I'm just curious how your faith has helped you navigate this.
Melani Sessa (41:46)
Yeah.
Yeah, it's, boy, I could share a faith-based story, I would. It's a pretty powerful one. But all that's just, all right, well, here we go, here we go. So my son died on a Thursday evening, and the plan was I was gonna see him on that Friday. We had a plan to be together. And the weekend before that, God had placed on my heart too fast. And I thought, okay, so.
Andrea Clark (41:57)
You can. This is my podcast. Share whatever I tell you.
you
Melani Sessa (42:19)
Fasting is part of ⁓ my faith journey where it helps focus, it's called for in scripture for different things. I'm not gonna get into that. I thought that I was going to fast so that I would be more mentally, emotionally, physically the mom that I wanted to be because I hadn't seen him in a long time. Even though we lived with about three hours from each other, I hadn't seen him in a long time and I wanted to be there to support whatever the weekend was gonna look like. I'm like, okay, I was called to a fast. So I fasted.
Andrea Clark (42:46)
Mm-hmm.
Melani Sessa (42:48)
And that was Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and then Thursday. I was speaking to him Thursday. We were like, I'm coming tomorrow. Right. then that evening when I got the news that he passed and I crumbled on the floor. God reminded me he's like it wasn't for him, the fast, it was for you to prepare you. And I just felt the love of God around me and that sword that should have pierced my heart and.
Andrea Clark (43:06)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Melani Sessa (43:13)
and thrown it into a thousand pieces was held by his love over me because I I knew at that moment, you know, that I could I could have just I could have chosen another path. And so that was God would pair my heart. So it is very clear to me that we have a birthdate and a death date already predetermined by God. And knowing that has helped me have this understanding that I'm the mom who brought him into the life, into the world and the mom who sent him off into the world. I got all of that.
And my foundation is my belief in God and how he's revealed himself in my life, it's through scripture. That's my foundation. And all those things that I believe, all the things that I've shared today, all go back to how God has presented himself as the creator, the founder, my Lord and savior. And without that, Melanie couldn't survive. Other people have different ways they survive, but Melanie couldn't survive because I know I will see my son again. That is my hope.
Andrea Clark (43:57)
you
Yeah.
Melani Sessa (44:11)
Without that, I couldn't function.
Andrea Clark (44:14)
Yeah, yeah, it's really beautiful actually. Thank you for sharing that. ⁓ So tell us a little bit about your, like some of the free resources and this upcoming book that you've created, journal, right, or book.
Melani Sessa (44:19)
You're welcome.
Yes,
it's a journal. It's something that I wish I had when my son died. It's very powerful way to continue the legacy. So that'll be out very soon. So I'll make sure to give you the link for that. So one of the things that happens when you lose someone is people mean well, but they do a lot of silly things. Things are actually hurtful.
Andrea Clark (44:55)
They do. Yeah.
Melani Sessa (44:57)
And so the first thing I ever put together, and it took me maybe 10 minutes to put together because I was fresh in my grieving journey, is a free resource, what to do and what to say when someone you love loses someone they love. And it's a, yeah, yeah. So it's a quick resource and it's a guide for people who want to love on their grievers but don't want to do something that might hurt them or they don't know what to say. And the worst thing to say is nothing.
Andrea Clark (45:10)
that's so good!
Yeah.
Melani Sessa (45:25)
Yeah,
first thing to do and say is nothing, but there are things you can do and say that you might not have even thought of. And again, I've done a lot of silly things before my son died that were dumb, and so I'm just sharing that.
Andrea Clark (45:36)
And I just
want to sidebar for a second you guys because I've known Melanie now for how long like six, six, six and a half years or something now. And the fact that you chose the word silly, you could have, you would have chosen a, I feel like knowing you and seeing your transfer, you would have chosen a different word to describe that kind of behavior. You just are, you have a lot more grace than I've ever seen you have. And I just want to point that out.
Melani Sessa (45:44)
Yep.
Andrea Clark (46:05)
and on the record of this podcast. I just, you have allowed this horrible thing to transform you in some really beautiful ways that I know are affecting you and your life and your health and wellbeing, but also all of your relationships. And I just think it's a really beautiful thing. And maybe people don't tell you that enough. I don't know, but I just wanted you to know that I have like observed that and seen that and even felt that from you.
Melani Sessa (46:08)
⁓
Thank you for saying that. That
means a lot to me.
Andrea Clark (46:35)
Yeah,
absolutely. Okay, so people do silly things. That's a very nice way of putting it.
Melani Sessa (46:39)
People do silly things.
I also have a resource of the five things that I do to help manage my grief. And I shared some of those today. I also have 10 scriptures that I find really helpful for me on my grief. And then I have a resource that is grief and your nervous system. People don't understand what grief does to their nervous system and their body. So understanding that can help you make really good choices on your healing portion of your grief.
Andrea Clark (47:06)
Can you share just a little bit about that? what, how does grief affect your nervous system?
Melani Sessa (47:12)
Yeah, so your body reads grief as trauma. The loss is trauma. so instantaneously, your body is thrown into a state of what we call fight or flight. And what that means is that the particular glands and organs in your body will pump out a stress hormone called cortisol. Now that can cause dramatic impact on your sleep, your mood, your energy, your mental focus, know, brain fog, clarity. And if you're in the menopausal years, it makes your symptoms.
Andrea Clark (47:15)
Mm-hmm.
Melani Sessa (47:41)
worse, even, you know, you can even gain belly fat, you could eat a lot or you have no no appetite. So many different things. And there's something also called the broken heart syndrome. That's another thing that we can talk about where that affects your body as well. So understanding how grief impacts your body, you can again, make choices of how you nourish it, what you do to it, how you spend your time, the rest that you give your body, all of it. Yep. Yeah.
Andrea Clark (48:07)
how you support it through this time. Yeah, absolutely, that's
incredible. And your journal, tell us, because I know that it's most likely gonna be out when this episode airs. So can you tell us a little bit about it?
Melani Sessa (48:20)
Well, it is a way to document the life of your loved one in a way that feels good to you and honors them in a really good way. One of the best things that you can ask a griever is tell me about your loved one, but ask them specific questions, because we can't think when we're grieving. We need specific questions. And so these are some specific questions to help the griever to document the life of the person that they lost.
And it's all just something I wish that I had because I was journaling these things. I'm like, well, why am I journaling these things? Why don't I just create something for Grievers just like me?
Andrea Clark (48:56)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. I love it. I love it. Do you have any last thoughts that you want to share to people listening, whether they have somebody in their life who's grieving or they have somebody in their grieving as well?
Melani Sessa (48:59)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, so the initial response when you hear of a loss is curiosity. And I can't say this enough. Think about, put yourself if you can, as much as you can in the place of the griever and understand what they have gone, are going through something that's so horrible that coming alongside them, even in silence, if it has to be, I had friends just come.
Andrea Clark (49:31)
Yeah.
Melani Sessa (49:38)
It's warm into my house that first day. Some of them just laid on my bed with me, said nothing. Your presence is healing. Your presence is healing. You don't have to do or say anything. Obviously there's things you can do and say, but really I know you want to soften the blow. It's not going to do it, but you can come alongside and help them in other areas of their life where they just can't function.
Andrea Clark (49:43)
Yeah, like your presence.
Yeah. So would you, I know your account is for other people grieving, but would you say somebody who wants to know how they can support a loved one who's grieving, would you say that they could visit your account?
Melani Sessa (50:12)
yeah.
Absolutely, because as I share my story, people who love Grievers are there thanking me for the insights. And I have that guide on there and I have thousands of downloads of that guide absolutely free because I just want people to love on their Grievers the way that they need to be because they're very precious. They're in a very precious time of their life and they need people to support them in a way that is meaningful and healing to them, which I know people really want to do, but they're just not sure how to do it.
Andrea Clark (50:25)
Yeah.
Yeah,
they don't know. It's a skill. I mean, how would you know what to do? And a lot of times we just do what what our programming is and our programming isn't always helpful in certain scenarios. You know what I mean? We do fix things better. Yes. Yeah. Well, I'm so excited. So what's your ⁓ what's your handle so people can immediately go? I mean, it'll be linked, but tell us what your handle is.
Melani Sessa (50:56)
We just want to make things better. Make it better and let's move on.
Yeah,
so in an Instagram, it's grace underscore and underscore grief underscore healing grief and grace and grief healing. But the underscore in between the words.
Andrea Clark (51:23)
Okay, I love it. And we'll also have it linked in the show now. This has been an incredible conversation. I'm so glad that you came on and shared your journey and all of these insights. And I'm really excited for everybody to hear this episode. It's going to be profound for people. All right, I appreciate you. I love you. Thank you for coming on. All right. All right. Talk to you soon.
Melani Sessa (51:32)
Thank you for asking me.
Me too.
Thanks for, love you too. Thank you Fred. Talk to you soon. Bye.