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What comes to mind when you think about your father? Is it joy, pain, or indifference? Whatever it is, it can reveal deeper wounds that still affect you today. In this journey of healing, Zach Garza invites you to explore topics like generational sin, emotional scars, and the transformative power of forgiveness through the lens of his own story of growing up without a father in the home. By confronting the past, you'll discover how to break free, embrace your true identity, and experience the unconditional love of God.
Chapter 19. The common inquiries. One of my joys in life is encouraging other men in the name of Jesus. Whether it is encouraging other middle aged fathers or discipling young men in their twenties, somehow the topic of fathers always come up. Unfortunately, oftentimes, we have similar stories regarding being raised in a broken family.
Speaker 1:Once they find out that I too come from a family like theirs, the questions start flying, and they're always the same questions. It's complicated. That's my go to phrase regarding most things that involve my father in processing my pains. You toss in kids, and it gets even more messy. It's not easy to explain why you have four Thanksgivings, why mom has a different last name than you, and why your extended family is quite different from your friends.
Speaker 1:Throughout my years of ministry, a few questions about dealing with a father wound tend to serve us more than others. This chapter is my attempt to answer those questions because they might be yours as well. Now let me be really clear from the beginning. The answers are simply my experiences with these particular inquiries. I do not have all of the answers and never will.
Speaker 1:Most of these questions do not have a one size fits all answer to them as each family is different. Every person is different, and there is more than one way to find success as you address these questions. As you read this chapter, number one, I hope these questions put words to your feelings in the situations when and if you are having a hard time articulating them out loud. Number two, I hope and pray you find comfort in knowing you are not alone in wondering these things. And number three, I hope and pray these answers help you find wholeness and healing and to extend forgiveness while also honoring your father to whatever extent possible.
Speaker 1:And above all else, I hope addressing these questions helps you gain a little ground in your father wound journey. So here's the questions. Will things ever be normal? Just because I have forgiven my father doesn't mean all is normal. Coming to terms with the fact that my family isn't like healthier families has helped me in several ways, the main one being I have stopped comparing.
Speaker 1:I see it as having two options. I can either be mad because I don't have the ideal family or give grace amid the dysfunction and adjust my mindset and expectations. I can give grace when people aren't perfect and don't behave how I want them to 100% of the time. I can give grace to myself for not handling every situation the way Jesus would, and I can be okay with the fact that I'm doing the best I can in this season. For me, a better question is, what am I okay with?
Speaker 1:No family is normal. We all have our quirks and dysfunctions because all are broken in one way or another. Add in stepsiblings, half siblings, step parents, and things can get weird quickly. Find a relationship dynamic that both you and your father are okay with and go from there. My father knows I'll probably see him and his new family once, maybe twice a year.
Speaker 1:We talk on the phone every six weeks or so, and that's good for us. It works. Is it perfect? No. But that's okay.
Speaker 1:Very few things in life are perfect. How do I bring up fond childhood memories that involve my parents without causing negative emotions? The mind is a funny thing. Simple daily actions can trigger memories from the past. Just the other day, I was having some back pains.
Speaker 1:I asked my oldest son to walk on my back and put some pressure on the areas of pain. As he got on my back, a memory of me walking on my dad's back flashed in my mind. I wasn't expecting that, I thought. Years ago, the memory could have ruined my night, but I have figured out a few things that have helped me stay in a positive mindset. Number one, involve the helper.
Speaker 1:Whenever a memory arises that causes me to pause, I take it to the Lord as soon as I can. Usually, it involves bringing the situation up during my quiet times with the Holy Spirit. It is there I can ask questions like, why did that trigger me? Or why did I react the way I did when that memory popped up? This gives the Holy Spirit an opportunity to guide us through what is going on in our hearts.
Speaker 1:It gives you an opportunity to process and help heal your pain. I tend to compare the pains of my past to the thorn in Paul's flesh in second Corinthians twelve seven through 10. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me. Three times I pleaded with God to take it away from me, but he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest in me.
Speaker 1:That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness and insults and hardships and persecutions and difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. The Holy Spirit is called the helper. He is the father of compassion and the great comforter. When the hurts pop up, allow the Lord and God's people to support you and guide you as you travel this journey to wholeness and forgiveness.
Speaker 1:It's also an opportunity to direct our attention to Jesus. May the failures of our parents lead us to praise the perfection of God. Number two, process your feelings. Having a safe place to engage your heart and really understand what is going on in your soul is essential to dealing with negative emotions. It is important to identify your feelings and deal with them in a timely manner.
Speaker 1:If you neglect them, the emotions bubbling up may very well turn into a gushing geyser that erupts under pressure. There are many ways to sort out your feelings, and there is no wrong way to do it. Feel free to do whatever works for you. Journaling, taking a walk, praying, or talking to a trusted friend or counselor are all things that help me process. It is during these times that I can truly bring my feelings to Jesus and allow the Holy Spirit to comfort me on the journey.
Speaker 1:I can trade my sorrows for contentment and my pain for peace. Number three, beware of the spiral of negativity. From time to time, we can all fall into the trap of asking the questions that have no answers. Why did this happen to me? What would have happened if blank happened?
Speaker 1:Or I wonder how my life would be different if my upbringing was healthy. These are all questions that I've asked myself at one time or another. The bad thing about these questions is they never do any good. In fact, they just seem to make things worse. They have no answer, and satisfaction won't come from asking them.
Speaker 1:I remember a time in my life when I was confronted with the reality that my father wound always did one of two things to me. It caused me to ignore my emotions and push them down deep in my soul, or it caused me to become introspective and what if myself into a dark place. Both of those experiences are not good, but I learned how to keep myself from going to those two places. When I felt myself experiencing hurt or anger, I dealt with it as soon as possible and didn't allow myself to ask unproductive questions simmering in pain. As soon as I realized I was going down the spiral of asking these questions, I simply said to myself, stop.
Speaker 1:These are doing no good, and would change my thinking quickly. No matter how much your childhood experiences negatively impacted you, try focusing on the good memories you have. There are always things you'd be thankful for, even in the midst of hardships. It is important to look back on the good times that brought you joy into your life. But this takes a little bit of work.
Speaker 1:Allowing the Holy Spirit to lead you, processing your emotions in a healthy way, and avoiding negative thinking can keep the enemy from robbing you of the good memories so that you can be thankful for what the Lord has done in your life. The next question, how do I take a stand against the generational curse of divorce without making my parents feel like a failure? A parent who has a failed marriage may feel just like that, a failure. Defensiveness may come as they feel shame or guilt about what had happened. Shame may rear its ugly head as well, which can make a person act in all sorts of ways.
Speaker 1:Fear of disappointing their children or embarrassment over what people could be saying or thinking may also be playing a part in how they are acting. Now what I'm about to ask you to consider is hard. It is asking you to stand in the middle of possible hurt and anger and act like Jesus. I believe this is an opportunity for you to model compassion. Have you ever felt like a failure before?
Speaker 1:Have you ever experienced guilt, shame, or embarrassment? It's not fun. This is a chance to show mercy and grace, to love the person even amid a sin or bad decision, to say I don't love the choice you made nor do I agree with you, but I love you. I've seen this go as well as it could when both parties agree to disagree. I've also seen it kill relationships when the parent doesn't understand why you aren't taking their side.
Speaker 1:Regardless, the only things you can control are your heart and your efforts to communicate in an honorable way. Your parents' response is up to them. Loving someone while not seeing eye to eye is a difficult concept. Staying in relationship when you disagree with their words and actions takes an act of maturity on your part. It's okay to disagree.
Speaker 1:It's perfectly within your rights to voice your opinion that you wish things were different. It's also the choice of your parent to own their reaction to your opinion. But it's also our call as followers of Jesus to honor our parents and be peacemakers. Matthew five nine says, blessed are the peacemakers. And Romans twelve eighteen says, if possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Speaker 1:When I look back on hard situations or difficult conversations, I always want to be able to say with 100% integrity, I did all I knew to do to make this situation turn out well. There isn't one more thing I could have done. I acted like Jesus to the best of my ability. As much as it depends on you, live a life where you have no regrets in your relationships. How do I balance quality time during special events and holidays when my parents can't stand being in the same room?
Speaker 1:We were getting ready for Thanksgiving, preparing the turkey and cleaning the house when my son said, hey, dad. Is papa coming to Thanksgiving? I looked at him and gently said, no, son. Not this year. The truth is my son has never spent a major holiday with my father, and that's really unfortunate on multiple fronts.
Speaker 1:This is a hard one. How do you choose which parent comes to which event? Even harder, if you have children, how do you explain why grandma can come to your birthday party or Christmas dinner, but grandpa can't? There is no simple answer here. The best wisdom I can give is this, consider your heart, what your spouse thinks, what your kids think, and then make the best decision you can.
Speaker 1:Do what is best for your family. Some may say you should be fair, and I can see the logic in that. Feel free to go in that direction if it's best for your family. For me, my father chose to leave my family, decided to get remarried and start afresh with his new family. My mom is single and all alone.
Speaker 1:Those circumstances definitely play a part in who comes to what. My children love both my mom and my dad, which also impacts the choices I make. I also know that being around my biological family, with all of our history and hurts, tends to, unfortunately, bring out the worst in me. Knowing this, I keep the visits short and sweet. I probably won't be going on week long vacations with either parent anytime soon, and that's okay.
Speaker 1:I have to remember that I'm doing the best that I can. It is not a simple decision to make. It is complicated. It's your family. You set the rules.
Speaker 1:People may not agree with your choice or like it, but you can choose to do what is best for you and those closest to you. Next, will it ever hurt less? I was riding in the car with my friend Jeff. Jeff is a 50 year old father of six older kids. He was telling me his son was thinking of transferring schools and asked for advice.
Speaker 1:Jeff mentioned bringing up some points with his boy that he likely hadn't considered, advising him to take a day and to pray about it. His son came back the next day and said, I thought about what you said, dad. I think you're right. I'm gonna stay where I am. It was a simple story, nothing special.
Speaker 1:But as Jeff finished the story, I stared off into the distance and thought, so that's what it's like to have a father speak into your life. And just like that, my father wound opened up again. Unforeseen conversations or situations like that happen all the time. James one twelve came to mind. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
Speaker 1:I wonder from time to time if it will ever hurt less. While there is likely no getting over it, there is a better perspective that's available. I can grow in how I think about it. For example, in my mid twenties, the conversation I had with Jeff would have sidelined me for days. My anger and bitterness would have negatively impacted all that I did.
Speaker 1:Fast forward twenty years later, and it only distracted me for a moment. So yes, the hurt can become less. I cannot control being exposed to circumstances, conversations, or topics that remind me of my hurt, but I can use them as a gauge to see how my heart is doing. If negative emotions pop up, it is my heart's way of telling me that I need to do something. Maybe I need to forgive some more.
Speaker 1:Perhaps I need to take some time to process by myself or with a trusted friend. Or maybe I just need to mourn and grieve the fact that my family was broken by sin. The more effort and intentionality you put into healing your heart and overcoming your past, the less it will hurt. I believe you can overcome this and deal with your pain in a healthy way, and God will be with you through it all. Psalm 34 says, God is near to the brokenhearted.
Speaker 1:God also wants you to be free from chronic emotional pain. Remember that God is not in a hurry when it comes to your healing. He will wait to give you the next step when your heart is ready. Patience is needed as your healing journey is not a race. There are even seasons of rest as you don't always have to push through and deal with your pain.
Speaker 1:Years ago, when I read the with God, all things are possible verse in Matthew nineteen twenty six, it would make me angry. If all things are possible, then God should just make the pain go away. Right? But now I realize that pain isn't always a bad thing. CS Lewis writes in his book, The Problem of Pain, God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains.
Speaker 1:Pain is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world. God may not make our pain go away in short order, but maybe he will use it to bring us closer to him and to help us know ourselves better, and that is a great gift. The apostle James famously wrote, consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you experience trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James one two through four.
Speaker 1:It really is possible that one day you will look back at the pain you've endured and realize it has given you perspective, maturity, wisdom, and compassion. It is possible that your pain and the healing of it have turned you into the best version of yourself. How do I balance the needs of my wife and the needs of my single mother? What do you do when the two most important people in your life have conflicting needs? What do you do when your mother has a desire to spend Christmas Eve with you, but your wife has a desire to spend that precious night together as a nuclear family?
Speaker 1:Maybe your mom wants to come over every week for Sunday lunch, and your wife is not okay with that. That's called a lose lose. Someone that you love dearly is going to be hurt and rejected no matter the decision you make. It is in moments like these I realize just how truly broken the world is. The fact that my mom is alone is an absolutely heartbreaking reality.
Speaker 1:The fact that she does not have a husband to support her and give her the companionship that we all want is probably not how she thought her life would end up. Unfortunately, sometimes those needs and expectations can get passed on to you. Oftentimes, I have felt the pressure to meet my mom's every need. I have tried to play the role of husband and son. I try to make sure that she does not feel lonely and alone.
Speaker 1:The bad part is in the midst of trying to take care of my mom, I put her needs above the needs of my wife. That's not a good thing. My wife should be my number one priority even over the needs of my mom. How do I explain this to my wife? How do I explain this to my mom?
Speaker 1:I'm afraid someone is going to be hurt or angry at me, even though I'm just trying to make everyone happy. But here's the reality. You can't make everyone happy. This is an unfortunate situation with no clear winners. You might have to absorb the pain from your mom.
Speaker 1:You may have to disappoint here. Tough conversations must be had with both your mother and your spouse. When I find myself in these situations, I try to do the following. Accept the fact that this is a terrible situation. Allow your heart to feel the brokenness of the world, which helps you respond compassionately.
Speaker 1:Remain calm and figure out how to have productive conversations. Clearly understand the needs of both parties. Prioritize my wife by setting healthy boundaries. Communicate this to my mother in a gentle way. Trust that the Lord loves my mom more than I do.
Speaker 1:Trust that he is bigger than this situation. Remind myself that I am not my mom's savior. Only the Lord can do that. Find an older trusted confidant or counselor to give me wisdom in this situation. I will not pretend that I do this well every time.
Speaker 1:Situations like these are some of the hardest moments that I've ever faced. All I can do is my best, and I have to be okay with that. It's moments like these that I need as much of the grace of God as possible. Next, how do I talk truthfully to young kids about complicated family situations without vilifying anyone unnecessarily? Wait a minute, my son said from the back seat, looking confused.
Speaker 1:So you're telling me that Nana and papa used to be married? That's right, son. Now who wants to get some ice cream? I said, trying to change the subject as quickly as I could. And now papa's married to Graham?
Speaker 1:My son prodded. How do you share the truth without jading your child's view of their grandparent? It's a delicate situation, that's for sure. Sharing your family history with your children can be complicated at best, and it is different for each family. There are many factors to consider, such as timing, maturity, and past situations.
Speaker 1:The reality is your child will find out what happened sooner or later, so you can control the narrative to a certain degree by being intentional in sharing what happened in a safe environment. This is far better than your children discovering family drama or trauma from another source. For me, I see the situation as a giant jigsaw puzzle that is going to take a long time to complete. Each season, my child grows more mature. I give them a new piece to the puzzle.
Speaker 1:When they are really young, I keep the stories of the past high level. As they get older, the story may change from papa and nana had a hard time getting along to papa and nana got divorced, and now papa is married to Graham. Perhaps when they are adults and able to understand negative actions and hard situations while still loving the person, I will share with them the full story. It is important that no one vilifies the other person during this process. The last thing your children need is to hear Nana talking bad about papa and vice versa.
Speaker 1:Your father could have been an absent father, but he is a wonderful grandfather. You don't want your past experiences to keep your child from experiencing the blessings of a positive adult in their life. After all, Proverbs seventeen six says, grandchildren are the crown of the aged. What an excellent opportunity we have as children to give our fathers a chance at redemption with their grandchildren while obviously keeping in mind the safety of the child first and foremost. While this is awkward and hard to navigate, it is an opportunity to speak to your child about marriage and paint a picture of a healthy one.
Speaker 1:Share with them that a healthy marriage takes a lot of communication, compromise, and forgiveness. The topic can give your children a chance to ask questions to further learn about their family and the concept of marriage. You can share your thoughts on the topic, and hopefully, they will walk away having learned a thing or two. It's up to you to tell the story of your past in your own timing, but I do encourage you to broach the topic sooner or later. Do not stuff the past down deep and never talk about it.
Speaker 1:That's no good for anyone, and the kids will notice. Engage the Lord and your spouse and decide how to share bits and pieces of the story in an appropriate way and at the right time. Lastly, how can I walk in maturity in my relationship with my parents? Typically, I am the one initiating a relationship with my father. I reached out and started the forgiveness process.
Speaker 1:I call and set up trips to see him and his family. I do the majority of the outreach. Why is that? I thought initiating a relationship was the job of the parent. I feel like if I stopped trying, my relationship with my father would slowly disintegrate, and somehow it would be my fault.
Speaker 1:Why do I have to be the mature one when my father caused all of this by his actions? That question is very dangerous and probably the one I thought about the most when thinking about my family. If I'm not careful, that question will lead me to anger, bitterness, and removing myself from the relationship. Like most of the questions in this chapter, the answer is simply that you sometimes just have to do the right thing because that's what God calls you to do. If I did whatever I wanted to do all of the time, my life would probably end up being pretty miserable.
Speaker 1:I continue to pursue my father because honoring him honors God. I care way more about what God thinks of me than what my father thinks of me. It all comes down to faith. I believe and trust that if I do what God calls me to do, that is what's best for me. I believe if I do the right thing and honor my father, even though it is incredibly difficult, then my actions will honor and glorify God.
Speaker 1:He will look at my heart and say, well done, good and faithful servant. Loving and pursuing an imperfect parent is something God can use to help us grow in maturity and Christ likeness. Proverbs sixteen four says, the Lord has made everything for his own purposes, even the wicked for a day of disaster. Don't lose sight of God's purpose amidst your pain. After all, Paul wrote, and we know that in all things God works for those, the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose, Romans eight twenty eight.
Speaker 1:God is up to something good, but it is our choice to join him in that process. The painting may not make sense until it is all painted, but I have confidence one day you will step back and see the beauty God created out of a mess. So tell me, which question do you relate to the most? Name a time that you felt like you had to grow up too fast or be the mature one in your family. What did that look like?