Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
A conversation about what challenges men— in love, in sex, and in money.
Hello, we are back for another episode of the Manxiety Podcast.
A show really dedicated to helping unpack and make sense of the three greatest stressors
for men in love, s*x, and in money.
And what I've discovered is that there's a lot of women who are listening to this
conversation and you are most welcome.
This conversation isn't just about men.
although if you are a man or you are dating a man,
You would probably want to pay attention because the whole goal of what I'm sharing on
this podcast is to raise awareness, to lead people to having what I never was able to have
before, which is to be able to say, do what I love, where I love, with whom I love.
It's really the whole point of life, isn't it?
And even though I was successful as a chiropractor, there's one...
part of life that was a mystery to me and that was the world of relationships.
So it wasn't until my last really toxic relationship, which I didn't understand the term
at the time, I didn't understand what codependency was, I didn't understand what a trauma
bond was, all I knew was that we were in this relationship where I was feeling like should
I stay or should I go?
And it was in my journey of healing
that attachment trauma that led to a relationship that was in this push and pull dynamic
that had me wanting to leave my chiropractic practice and help others heal family systems.
And the link between chiropractic and the work that I'm doing now is that the majority of
the things that you're going to the chiropractor or the doctor for, for chronic pain,
chronic illness issues,
actually have attachment trauma at their root cause.
And it was just a eureka moment when I would see this really interesting kind of link
between codependency and chronic pain and chronic illness.
If you wanna understand more about that, go ahead and watch one of my YouTube videos.
It's called Anatomy of a Toxic Relationship, a Dissection.
I go into the entire
trauma bond, codependency, and how it can also impact your health.
So all of this to say, I didn't realize, but I was an avoidant.
I did an attachment style quiz, if you want, go ahead on my website, drnima .com, if you
don't know what your attachment style is, go ahead and fill that out and it spits out the
answer for you.
I was an avoidant and I didn't know that I was an avoidant.
And so,
the way that it showed up was I had a deep desire for connection, but I really was
terrified of vulnerability.
I was deeply hurt when I was 18 years old with my first love.
And I poured my heart into this person, into this woman and just loved her to death.
You remember your first love, but I felt rejected.
And unconsciously, after that experience, I put up a wall around me that I will never, I
remember saying this, I will never let myself get that hurt again.
So it wasn't until I went through this back and forth, this wake up call with my last
relationship, I would keep going into the same toxic dynamics after that, even getting
married when I was 31 years old to this lovely girl.
And I absolutely destroyed her heart,
when I abandoned her because after three years where my fear of rejection got activated, I
left her before she was going to leave me and I left the marriage.
And I started a string of really passionate s*xually driven relationships, about eight of
them, until I finally found the one that completely, how do I say, woke me up to this
concept of codependency and trauma bonds avoidant attachment.
And I thought, all right, if I don't figure this out, I don't know if I'm ever going to,
I'm gonna live.
My biggest fear was dying, never experiencing a family, a secure love.
I jumped in and I did the work to becoming trigger proof, which I'll talk a little bit
more about and healed my attachment style.
And now I'm in a secure relationship, married with a beautiful four year old.
He turns four at the recording of this in a couple of days.
And, the relationship keeps getting deeper with time rather than what I used to have,
which is really passionate in the beginning.
And then it fizzled out, fizzles out and becomes toxic push pull
at the end.
On this episode, I really want to help you understand the avoidant by helping you unpack
my own journey so that if you're an avoidant, a successful guy who is now in his late 40s,
he's now done his f**kboy status and done his deeds like I did and is like, all right,
what is it?
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I have this fear?
Why am I paralyzed by this fear of commitment?
Why is it that I'm constantly like not trusting myself?
It's not that I don't trust a woman, it's I don't trust myself to commit.
So if you're super duper successful and you have gone through the trauma bond phase where
it was all about the passion or you have a fear that you're going to be taken advantage of
financially by a woman.
And so that keeps you
you know, and you're super duper successful, good looking, successful, have tick off all
the boxes that a woman would consider pretty amazing.
And so you don't have a problem, you know, getting involved in relationship with super
duper passionate, but then all of a sudden the women will turn needy on you.
They start to become needy, they start to become controlling, their jealousy takes over,
they're wanting some sort of a commitment.
They're saying, is this going?
And you're like, f**k, I knew it would get to this.
God damn it.
Why is it that they all want the same thing?
Why are they experienced?
Why is it that they just feel so goddamn needy?
Why is it that I just feel like I'm being trapped?
I feel like I'm being trapped, right?
If you are one of those men, you're successful, and you have gone through this, and you're
now, here's the key.
You now want to learn how to overcome your fear of commitment, or you're a woman or the
feminine, I'm not excluding anyone.
I've same s*x couples, let's say man, masculine, feminine, because there's always a
masculine and a feminine, even if there's a same s*x relationship.
So this doesn't exclude anyone here.
If you're a woman who is tired of dating guys like I just described, pay attention.
Because my intention on these next few, anxiety podcast series is to help you understand
the mind of the avoidant and how to navigate the avoidant.
Or if you're an avoidant, what you must do if you're sick and tired of playing this
exhausting dance and you're tired of not having home base, just stable and supportive,
so that you can propel in your career, have to tell you, avoidant men, as scared as you
are of commitment, that it's gonna get in the way of your growth.
When I found the right partnership, and I became that right person to attract the right
partnership, my impact in the world expanded.
There is nothing more career supportive
than a stable foundation at home.
Because think of all of the energy I want you to think of all of the energy that you
expend on a day to day basis, being in this push pull dynamic.
How does it feel constantly being triggered?
My Should I stay?
Should I go?
Is this the right person?
Am I missing out on something else?
Or if you're dating an avoidant, because this is about understanding the avoidant.
You're constantly guessing where is this going?
Does this person even care?
Why don't I feel included?
Why do I feel so shut down?
Are they giving me the silent treatment?
Are they avoidant or are they a narcissist?
And what's the difference anyway?
Or are they narcissists or are they just being an asshole?
Like if you're experiencing it this way, type in the chat, in the comments, let me know if
you can resonate,
because on this episode, I wanna help you unpack it.
So in order for you to understand avoidance behavior, you have to really go back in
history to understand where we got this pattern from.
And it all begins with our relationship to our emotions.
As a child, we don't know how to regulate our emotions.
We have sadness, we have anger, we have disgust, we have all these big energetic
waves coming through our body called emotions, energy and motion.
And depending on the relationship of our caregivers with their emotions, their
relationship is going to inform, their relationship with their emotions is going to inform
how we as young children become, get dealt with
our relationship with our caregivers depends on their relationship with their emotions.
Because as we get these big emotions, it dysregulates our caregivers.
If it dysregulates our caregivers, if they did not do their trauma healing work, it's
going to activate them and they will either deny, dismiss, abandon, or deflect our
emotions.
And as a child,
If you had the expression, if you had the experience where the expression of your emotions
actually did not end up giving you the love and the support and the regulation that you
truly were wanting, then you get the message that your emotions are too much.
That by expressing them, first of all, you're not allowed, you're shamed for it.
Second of all, if you do, it never ends up getting you what you want, which is to feel
seen and heard.
So the message you're getting is that I need to become an island.
I need to isolate myself.
I can't be with my emotions.
I don't have a capacity to be with my emotions because I was never taught that having them
was okay.
I was never taught that I was allowed to experience them or to have my reality in them
validated.
This seems, you know, what are we talking about?
Emotions?
This is a big thing in relationship.
It's all our relationship with our emotions or our inability to be with them that creates
these unhealthy dynamics because this term called enmeshment.
Enmeshment is the porous boundary around me when I'm around you so that I can't separate
my pain from your pain.
And this, to be able to separate my pain from your pain is a skill.
It's a skill of becoming trigger -proof.
It's a skill of being body aware.
It's a skill of nervous system regulation to expand capacity to be with all that energy,
whether it's sadness and sometimes even if it's pleasure.
So because the expression of those emotions as a child got shut down or was resulted in
punishment or neglect avoidance, we learn
how to relate to those emotions the same way they were related to us.
So we will become an island, we will shut down, and we will kind of want to work things
through in isolation.
And the key emotion that we are feeling in those times, want you to really get, because
this is the driving force behind the avoidance, is shame.
Avoidance,
are avoidance because they're avoiding shame.
It's shame avoidance.
All avoidance really is shame avoidance.
And so how does that look on a day -to -day basis?
It looks like becoming super duper successful.
It looks like becoming an overachiever.
It looks like becoming super duper charming and just being able to just hook you in right
away.
In fact, you might even be wondering what's the difference between a narcissist and an
avoidant.
because they have very, like if you could look down the traits, it's like very, very like
tick, tick, tick, tick, know, they super duper charming.
They will kind of like, you know, it's charm.
It's just to really attract you and hook you in because it's driven by a fear of
abandonment.
There's also this fear of intimacy and fear of vulnerability, just like a narcissist has.
And this experience of
when activated, dismissing and denying your reality, which is what a narcissist would do.
So you might be wondering, is it the same thing?
And I wanna make a distinction is that yeah, a lot of avoidance while they may be
narcissistic, like I definitely was, still can be if I'm dysregulated or I'm fully
activated.
this is something I think we all have a spectrum of narcissism.
Robert Green says in the...
48 laws of human nature, laws of human nature book is that we all have narcissistic
traits.
It's just a spectrum of where we're at.
And the more humble we can be towards that process, rather than saying, no, I'm not the
narcissist, I'm the empath, red flag, that could be you.
We all have it within us.
But the difference between the avoidant and the narcissist is that the distinction is that
the avoidant isn't doing it purposely.
It's reactive,
protective, there's an ego kind of defense mechanism there.
But the narcissist with NPD, the one who's deep down that spectrum of narcissistic to the
NPD, they're actually doing it with intent.
They're kind of like getting you to question your reality, but with intent.
They're doing it to punish.
They'll give you the silent treatment, it's to punish you.
It's to...
an avoidant will go into that avoidant dance and fault find and kind of push away and kind
of feel like stonewalling, but when activated.
But a narcissist will do it when there's no conflict.
It's just as a means of kind of like getting control after the initial love bomb phase has
been activated and then.
once that love bombing phase has been activated, the attachment hooks are in and now you
are like super duper hooked in because you've now become high off of the supply.
Essentially, the narcissist, the avoidant has turned you, the anxious attached, into a
narcissist looking for the next hit of dopamine slash validation.
you're so beautiful.
You're the most amazing person.
One of my students who's got anxious attachment, she was actually told me that she gets
offended if he's messaging, if her partner is messaging her and isn't love bombing.
I'm like, can you see he turned you into a narcissist?
Now he's the avoidant.
So the reason why I say this and we say it jokingly is that we all have it within us.
We have an anxious attached person within us and an avoidant attached person.
But those of us who identify
with avoidance and for those of you dating avoidance, I want to give you some insight as
to what's happening.
The difference between the anxious and the avoidant and the narcissist is that the
narcissist is doing it with intent.
Whereas in my case, as an avoidant, it was reactive.
It was when my nervous system was dysregulated.
So essentially all avoidance, if you want to understand your avoidance a little better, or
if you might be listening and you're starting to identify this super duper charming
exterior, because we desperately need connection, because we're human, but soon as we have
it, all of a sudden, depending on the degree of dysregulation in our childhood and the
sense of taking responsibility,
for our parents' emotions, maybe we were like a surrogate partner, that level of
responsibility starts to kick in.
So as soon as the commitment begins, responsibility starts.
And that's why there is a sudden shift after the relationship happens.
After you're dating and avoidant for a while, and usually around the six month mark or the
to one year and a half mark, when the attachment hooks are in, there is an event that
happens that triggers the two of you.
And all of a sudden that love bombing, you know, at the beginning where they're coming
after you strong and they're certain and you're the greatest thing and my God, I can't
live without you, you're so amazing.
All of a sudden, there's what I call a depolarization of that charge,
magnetism, the positive and the negative, the masculine and the feminine.
Boom, there's a deregulating thing.
Now, what is it?
Well, it's the moment where the fantasy dissolves.
There is a fantasy, passion, desire in all avoidance, where they want passion.
I want to passion it.
Love.
The last gentleman that I spoke to, super duper charming, avoidant,
constantly feels trapped in his relationship.
But when I ask him what kind of a relationship, goes, my God, I want passion.
I want love.
The avoidant usually craves and seeks intensity.
The dopamine hit of, for me, I remember as an avoidant, the most amazing feeling was when
I was dating a woman and then I knew I was about to sleep with her for the first time.
because the second that I knew that that was gonna happen, all of a sudden the insecure
little boy within me suddenly got validation.
And as soon as I had her, soon as there was like love and she's like, I wanna be with you,
boom, immediately now because of that avoidance, in that specific scenario.
All of a sudden now I'm responsible, just like when I was younger.
The chase is over and now the responsibility begins.
And what happens is avoidance feel engulfed by the responsibility.
The responsibility, just like when we were children and we felt responsible for our
mother's emotions, sisters, mothers.
And now the body, there's a constriction in the body and it's not conscious.
Please get this, to understand the avoidant.
They're not doing it on purpose to hurt you, even though it might feel that way.
You might feel victimized.
How could you, he love bombed me, I'm a victim of love bombing.
No, avoidants are genuine.
During that phase, they're not lying to you to try to get something from you.
They're overwhelmed by the emotions.
They have now taken limerence and the...
driven by the fear of abandonment, they are like, my gosh, this person is going to be the
one that's going to make me feel all the things that I never felt in my childhood.
Gonna make me feel important.
This one makes me feel super duper special.
You know, like, if I can get her, meaning get her validation, get her approval,
that will then I will feel like I'm the man.
So it becomes about the validation.
And why is that?
Why are you a perfect match for that type of scenario?
Likely because you are looking for validation through the relationship.
So the love bombing phase only works as you feel victimized by it.
Only if you are
really insecure because the more secure that like, my gosh, the love bombing felt amazing
initially for men, for women, it flips.
So the men will love bomb the women.
I had a partner who would s*x bomb, right?
So there's a co -pedestalization happening, especially at the beginning of this really
deep, powerful connection.
It's like love at first sight.
This is kind of like a trauma bond.
This is like, Oh my gosh, this person is so familiar.
There's something really deeply familiar about them.
It just feels like home.
Familiar equals like family.
Your nervous system is used to this level of wounding.
It's a replay.
It's called the repetition compulsion.
And you don't even know it's happening.
It's this pull.
This is what I experienced with my last relationship.
And I was being s*x bombed.
And I had the love bombing.
So we were co -pedestalizing one another.
And then as soon as the responsibility came in, she was like, where is this going?
All of a sudden engulfment, my fear of engulfment, fear of responsibility.
Also, the avoidant likely has had a great deal of pain in the past, right?
They are avoidant because they're trying to stay safe.
And it's terrifying for us to really let ourselves in.
Just like when I had my first love, the pain of losing her shifted me into an avoidant.
Almost all avoidants are actually anxious attachers in disguise.
That's in the shadow part of them.
This kind of like the hidden part, deep in the psyche that we don't want to see, but it
comes from a past wound.
It's there, but it's stuck in our bodies.
We're either suppressing them consciously.
Nope, don't want to go back there.
That's why, I don't want to go back there.
That's why I'm only going to date a certain type of woman now because I'm going to date
somebody I'm not afraid to lose.
Does that make sense?
So we kind of date beneath our level on purpose because we deeply, deep down, we know I
could let this one go.
We don't...
chance it for somebody that we think is, my gosh, is so amazing, has all of these amazing,
empowered in all these areas of life, so empowered that I'm terrified of losing her.
So within every avoidance, it's important for you to know it's not only shame avoidance,
but there is a anxious, attached, younger part that they're terrified of exposing.
the avoidance is a coverup for those parts, right?
So why?
Well, the avoidant, every avoidant I've ever spoken to is avoidant for a reason.
Everyone ends up leaving me.
They say things that now, like, I'm not gonna let anybody hurt me the way that person hurt
me.
One woman who is avoidant told me, men always leave.
Right?
So it's like, okay, men always leave.
Another woman I met, super duper attractive boss babe,
but she had probably the most masculine, like she's a 10 physically, but then once I
talked to her, all of that attractiveness literally melts into a masculine puddle.
Literally it's like talking to a guy because she's got this masculine shield.
And it just so happens her mother, I said, what's your background?
Her mother adopted.
She went to a sperm bank to have a child because she did not want to be with a man.
She was like, I'm done with men.
So.
I don't need a man to have a child.
So I'm going to have a child on my own.
She grows up in that environment with a mother that's like, I don't need a man.
And she then discovers that, wow, I got to live like I don't need a man.
And not only that, she never saw her mother vulnerable, which is the key
component to that I want you to really get on this training, that the first thing that I
really want you to get is that we are driven by a fear of being vulnerable because we've
been hurt in the past.
Now, this doesn't make it right.
There's a part of you who's listening going, why don't you fricking heal it then?
Why don't you go heal it?
You probably telling you're avoidant actually, that the partner that you're dating,
who has avoidant tendencies, you're telling him, you better go do your work.
You better, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,
da,
It's just unresolved wounding.
You haven't yet learned how to become trigger -proof.
It's really painful.
Everybody wants healthy relationships, but without really learning how to get to the root
cause of this, we constantly are in this push and pull dynamic.
It's exhausting because one part of us wants to get into relationship, but then this other
part has the fear of engulfment.
The fear of responsibility, the fear of actually going through that pain again that's not
resolved.
The pain of my first love, the pain of my ex, that bitch who stole all my money, or that
asshole narcissist who all men are pigs or whatever.
Boom, now your avoidant parts are fully online, holding on to a lot of pain.
And what I want you to know if you're dating somebody like I was, is that it's not your
job to fix them.
Those are the women that reach out to me that say, my partner's an avoidant, he's a DA, my
DA, my DA, my DA this.
Stop f***ing saying that.
Stop labeling people.
Even I label them now in my kind of free content that's out there.
And when I start to talk to people who are truly committed to healing, the first thing
that we do is we say, all right, I use that lingo in order to help people understand,
because that's what they're researching.
To heal it, we have to come through these doors and now live in a world where we stop
labeling people and stop creating separation and start learning how to see the other
person within us.
Starting to see where they rep, how are they a reflection of parts of myself that I don't
love?
Because guess what?
If you're an avoidant,
and you constantly hear and you're saying, you're like, God, she's so sensitive.
She's so this, she's so that.
They're so sensitive and so needy and so, guess what?
There's a sensitive and needy part of you as that identified avoidant.
I'll use the lingo right now so that you understand it.
Who wasn't allowed to be needy, who wasn't allowed to express their needs,
who wasn't allowed to have their emotions held, validated, understood.
So when you see somebody exhibiting those same behaviors that you have that you weren't
allowed to express, you now point the finger and go, God, they're so, you get very
triggered by those people that reflect parts of you that weren't readily receiving love.
Now.
I understand this might be a little advanced.
Fill in the chat box or send me an email.
Tell me if any of this is going way over your head.
Rewind it a little bit.
If this is your first time hearing, you you've done all the secure attachment stuff,
you've done the Demartini work, you've done the Byron Katie, you've done the frickin'
work.
You've read about attachment styles.
You've got the book Secure Attached.
You've done my attachment style quiz.
If you haven't, make sure you do it.
on my website.
You've learned about it.
You get it.
You're able to see those patterns, but you are really done with this push -pull dance.
You keep repeating this push -pull dance and you're done with that.
I want you to know that help is available.
That it's not your fault.
If you're in your 40s and your 50s and you're like, holy sh*t, like something is missing.
I've done all of the work.
I'm a smart person.
I'm successful at work.
I can figure it out.
I can lead teams.
I'm a boss, babe.
I'm crushing it.
I got a business.
You know, I'm doing great, but I just, just, I don't feel safe getting in.
I don't trust women.
You know, I feel like I'm going to be losing.
Like you're, you're, you identify in as avoidant.
You're like, I'm afraid of losing my freedom.
God, I'm terrified of someone losing my freedom and being trapped and then having to pay
big money in order to get out.
So that fear of commitment, because it's going to cost you, because it's going to swarm
you, because it's going to consume you, because you're going to lose yourself in this
person, because it's going to destroy your career, which I know those fears are valid.
Do not gaslight them.
Do not make them wrong.
Just know that I see you.
It's not your fault.
It's that you haven't yet learned how to heal at the root cause in your body from a
somatic perspective.
There's shadows, there's younger parts that hadn't learned how to expand their capacity to
be held in their emotional state.
And how you know you're healing this is that as our students in our
cycle breakers programs and my clients that were working together, they start to validate
and be able to give themselves permission to expand their capacity to feel all of those
horrible feelings that they avoid by avoiding relationships like shame, like guilt.
You can hold space for that.
And then how you know you're healing is now you're able to hold space for other people's
emotions, your anxious partner.
You're able to feel that, their emotions feel seen, heard, understood without necessarily
agreeing with them, but still being able to disagree and honor that they are having their
emotional experience.
And you don't have to make them wrong.
You don't have to dismiss them.
You're able to do that and then have this beautiful experience of co -regulation.
You haven't yet learned how to do that.
You haven't even learned that that's possible.
You're not entitled to knowing this.
I wasn't entitled to knowing this until I actually stopped trying to think my way through
my feeling problems and learned how to be with those emotions, expand my capacity to feel
them, move that energy through my body and be able to sit still and find a state of
satisfaction without this f***ing intense dance that I needed, this passion.
I passion, which passion means to suffer.
Look it up.
Look up the definition of passion.
Passion means to suffer.
The passion of the Christ.
I want a passionate relationship.
Look back on all the relationships you've ever had that have been super duper passionate.
I'll wait.
They're the ones with the most volatility and turmoil.
Right, so.
The work of healing, if you're avoidant, the work of healing that isn't just a cognitive
process, it's a commitment to healing your relationship with those younger parts.
But the avoidant, the biggest obstacle is you won't wanna go back there.
You wanna avoid, hence your title of avoidant.
Now, if the reason why I'm sharing this with you, you might not be identifying as an
avoidant attachment, you might be dating somebody like this.
Curious what's that been like for you?
Is this resonating and landing for you?
What your job is, if you are dating an avoidant, other than trying to send them this video
and say, look at this, look at this and start to make them feel like sh*t, your avoidant
doesn't want to watch this video.
The only way that they're gonna want to heal is if they seek it out themselves.
They're not gonna want They're gonna feel not good enough if you send them this video but
let's say they do let's say you are the partner of an anxious attach who sent you this
video and You're willing to actually feel into what I'm saying here and realize sh*t F**k
yep
I've been avoiding feeling the shame.
I've been avoiding feeling like a failure.
Yup.
I'm going back to the anxious attached partner who sent you this video.
It's not your job to fix them.
Let me say it again.
It's not your job.
It's not your job to even do the work and come to like, for example, the overview
experience, which basically I teach you how to unpack this dynamic like
neutralize this energetic charge.
There's an energetic charge, it's called the infinite loop of doom with the anxious and
avoidance cycle.
And basically I figured out how to neutralize the charge in minutes.
And I teach it over a six hour period and it's like 30 years of therapy in six hours.
Because one of the students that just came to the event,
I was speaking to her afterwards in an integration call.
She said, after I was done, I told my friend who was doing his own kind of personal
development work what I got.
He was like, holy sh*t, it took me five years of therapy to learn what you just discovered
in that one session.
So it's not your job to fix them.
And you might be showing up to like the overview experience.
Many anxious attached show up covertly thinking that if they do this,
then they'll be able to fix their avoidant partner.
Don't do that either.
The only way to break this cycle is to do what you're terrified of doing, which is to stop
pointing the finger and basically stop pointing, like put down the magnifying glass that
you're using to diagnose your narcissist or dismissive avoidant, your DA.
Just put that f***ing thing down and pick up a mirror instead and go, all right, how can I
become the type of person that is no longer willing to tolerate somebody who isn't going
to treat me with absolute respect, with care, with devotion and choosing me?
Because unless you're willing to become that person, it is narcissistic of you
to expect that the other person is supposed to do their inner work so that you don't have
to feel your insecurity.
It's just not gonna work, my friend.
That's why I love talking to cycle breakers, because they're the ones that are like, all
right, f**k this.
I'm done playing the victim.
It feels like sh*t to constantly, don't, this isn't to victim blame, by the way.
This is to say, I feel like it.
I feel hurt.
I feel gaslit.
I feel like disrespected
and that sucks and I'm tired of staying in a situation where I'm constantly feeling that
way.
And I'm willing to look at my part of how I got here, not to blame myself, because it's
not my fault, but it's my responsibility to become the type of person that doesn't need to
chase anymore, that actually owns my self -worth and is willing to walk away lovingly, not
F you.
Screw you, how dare you?
No, but with love.
Right?
So those are the ones that completely shift the dynamic.
Like one of my clients, Curtis, who was constantly successful guy had a fashion design
company, constantly in one relationship after another.
And he was the anxious attach, constantly attracting avoidance who would friend zone him,
even though he's a good looking guy.
Turns out he had an unresolved attachment,
decided I am going to fricking take responsibility.
I'm done feeling like a victim at the helm of my abandonment wounds.
And within eight weeks, he met his person, he's in love and they are now like, and he's
like, my God, he just texted me.
Like, I just met the woman of my dreams.
We just made love this morning and I just met the woman of my dreams and I couldn't thank
you enough.
And he's a Demartini facilitator.
Right, he's done so much personal development work and what he noticed that was the
distinction is that we must get out of cognition.
Avoidance, anxious, attached, the reason why we're insecure is because we live up here and
we have not learned how to calm the alarm inside.
We don't feel safe in our bodies.
Anxious, attached, avoidant, attached, it's all anxiety and the push -pull dynamic
is the abandonment anxiety and engulfment anxiety gone awry without any skills, without
any tools to neutralize it.
But the good news is if we are able to break free from that fear of vulnerability, if
you're an avoidant and you're willing to get a little vulnerable and to meet those younger
parts and become their hero so that your security level goes up and then commit to healing
that,
so that your fear of commitment dissolves and then you feel like you're able to make a
powerful choice.
Soon as I healed from that, I felt confident in myself to marry somebody.
After being divorced and feeling like I got raked over the coals, feeling like I was used
and manipulated and s*x bombed and then basically legally and financially abused going,
f**k, I thought that guy will never, I was like, forget it.
after going through a divorce and a relationship like that with somebody who was basically
trying to destroy my reputation, completely did a flip on me.
How do I ever trust love again?
Avoidance don't trust love, but I was committed.
I had to commit to something, because I was never gonna commit to a woman until I
committed to myself.
I found the right guidance.
I learned how to become trigger -proof.
I learned how to take my activations and stretch that time between stimulus and response
so that I can respond from a new identity.
I had to become somebody else.
In order for you to learn how to become from anxious to secure, from avoidant to secure,
you must learn how to become and behave as a secure person would, which means to set
boundaries, to invest in yourself, to be willing to say no to other things and yes to you,
to ask for help.
Secure people ask for help.
The avoidant says, I'm gonna do it by myself.
The anxious becomes codependent on their caregivers and you can possibly be in with the
same therapist twice a week for like five years and get nowhere, which is what's
happening.
It's a lot of people.
It's why the cycle breakers and the ones who attend the overview experience are the ones
that say, damn it.
I am not, I am not going to just vent my story pointing to my DA, pointing to the
narcissist, being in these
hot air conversations that just play the victim and it's them, them, them, them magnifying
glass endlessly scrolling through social media about narcissists, about being abused,
about all this stuff, about how you're such, how life is so difficult for you.
You're going to, your future pretty much is locked into that identity as a survivor.
You're locked into that identity.
And as that identity, there is no other possibility in that identity.
I had to go from anxious, to go from avoidant to secure, I had to become a secure person.
I had to become somebody else.
I don't recognize myself now compared to the guy that was in that last relationship.
This type of person would have been able to spot that red flag.
Okay, it was like, I'm a s*x worker.
I'm a madam running a s*x working gigs, I basically, you know,
under the guise of protecting women, I capitalize on women's bodies and I'd like to
partner with you.
Okay, as long as the s*x is good and you're giving me my narcissistic supply, s*x,
services, helping me get my narcissistic supply, I was that person, right?
But I was avoidant.
I wasn't committing.
But then it would be this push -pull dynamic.
That's who I was.
I had to learn how to become somebody else.
I left my chiropractic practice.
I started studying somatic experiencing.
I started learning how to get out of my head and get into my body, how to take that pause,
to go from activation and become trigger -proof.
And now I love teaching this because when you learn this, you heal family systems.
This push -pull dynamic that you have in your household
isn't healthy for the children.
It's passing those codependent dynamics onto the kids and the home doesn't feel like a
sanctuary.
And I just want you to know you're not too sensitive.
You're not overwhelming.
You're not too needy.
You just haven't learned how to heal your attachment trauma.
You haven't learned how to become trigger proof.
And you can learn.
And I'm committed to helping heal families.
And this community is all about giving, you know, my gift, which is all of my years.
I don't know, 33 years.
You know, this work lives in my bones.
The 33 years of, you know, being a chiropractor for 20 years and then the 10 years of
personal development and schooling to get into chiropractic and then all of the schooling
and the personal growth to learn this.
It took me 30 years.
And so that's why the overview experience is like 30 years of therapy in one six hour,
Zoom call, is lots of breaks, lots of movement around that passes by really quick.
And it's a cognitive and a somatic exploration into the root cause of the energetics of
the anxious avoidance cycle.
So that you can actually break that cycle, heal what this is really about, become more
emotionally mature and secure.
So this
Understanding the avoidant is kind of my exploration in understanding myself and then
sharing with you what I discovered in healing it so that if you're avoidant and you're
ready to learn how to become somebody who feels safe and confident in committing to the
right person, so you're attracting the right person, you're able to navigate conflict
without dismissing anyone, or you are an anxious attached person who is dating or married
to somebody exactly like me.
I just want you to know, I wanna hear from you.
I'm listening.
What has resonated in this conversation?
Send me an email back, DM, whatever channel, easy to, if you're not on my email list, grab
the attachment style survey so you're on my email list.
Just send me a hit reply.
Right now I'm at the stage where I'm listening because I'm hearing where your challenges
are and that's informing
the content that I'm creating, because I want to deliver content that illuminates, that
helps you feel understood, that helps dissolve the shame, and then changes the
conversation to going, all right, what the f**k do we actually do?
I want to talk to those who are actually wanting to do something about it, and you've
tried the therapies and the personal development and the Joe Dispenzes and the Demartinis
and the polarity.
You've even studied polarity, which is great, awesome.
Done the polarized communication, masculine, feminine, but you're still feeling this
enmeshment pattern, this lack of separation, not knowing how to boundary yourself in an
elegant way.
Right?
So I want to hear from you.
Send me a DM, give me your backstory.
And I'm offering this week a few slots to those who are successful in business, but
avoidant attachment and are really wanting to see what their blind spots are
and get an honest feedback as I listen to your story, I'll tell it to you straight if you
can handle the truth.
And give me your backstory on that hit reply.
Don't just say, send me your calendar link.
Give me your backstory, what you've invested in, what you've tried.
And what is it that you are wanting?
Where do you think your issues come from?
And then if I feel inspired to kind of hop on and
kind of jam a little bit with you and I have the space in my schedule in between clients
and group trainings with my cycle breakers.
I'll give you that input.
If you have children, if you have a community, if you run businesses and you're leading an
empire and it's a high stakes scenario where, you know, this isn't just small potatoes,
you learning this skill is really important to the wellbeing of your
company your community, your family.
If this is important, I wanna hear why.
Give me the backstory, I'd love to hear it.
And if I see something and I hear something in your backstory, that's a little bit of a
red flag.
Tell me if you're open to me letting you know, if you're willing.
I have no skin in the game.
I just wanna talk to people who are willing to take, their egos are soft enough,
that they're willing to handle some critical feedback in service of your growth.
That you have to have, your growth has to be the most important thing.
Let me know what you discovered on this.
What was your biggest takeaway?
What questions do you have?
And we'll see you at the next Perfect Time.