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We all carry something. In this soulful and deeply human podcast, Marilyn Getas Byrne holds heartfelt conversations with people who’ve lived through the unthinkable—and made their way back to joy. These are real stories of pain, healing, and what it truly means to choose happy.
Today's episode of I choose happy is brought to you by the comfy, wearable blankets that make life happier. Go to the comfy.com for 20% off your first order by using the code I choose happy at checkout. The comfy, relax like you mean it.
Diane:Having that constant pressure to keep up with friends, keep up with academics, keep up athletically, keep up. This whole thing about keeping up, we need to almost change that label.
Marilyn:Welcome to I Choose Happy, inspiring stories of hope and healing all about overcoming anything life throws our way. I'm Marilyn Giedis Byrne, and on the show today, the effects of screen time and social media on kids. Social media and screens are such a huge part of our kids' lives now, and it's changing the way they experience the world, their friendships, and even themselves. Renowned childhood development specialist Diane Provo has spent decades working with children and their families, and she's seen firsthand how these pressures, trying to fit in, comparing themselves to peers online, and being constantly plugged in, can affect their emotions and behavior. Diane holds degrees in psychology and education with an emphasis in special education.
Marilyn:She has taught and developed programs for children with learning differences, consulted on language and learning programs. She has also co authored books for parents and teachers and shared her expertise on television, radio, and at speaking events across the country. Kids don't always realize how difficult it is to navigate this landscape, and parents often feel at a loss for how to guide them. Diane breaks it down in a way that's both eye opening and practical, showing us all what's really happening behind the screen and how it affects their daily lives.
Diane:The whole thing with screens and everything is such an addiction right now and social media is that it is hard for kids to navigate, but they don't understand it's hard for them to navigate. They think they're navigating it quite well, and it's really very difficult for them to navigate. Course, the the biggest thing that comes up is the fact that they are looking at images. Here we go with visuals. They're looking at images of other people looking a certain way, and we're talking about their peers.
Diane:I'm not even talking about actors, actresses where they, you know, where they change the image to look good. I'm talking about their peers who are on social media with pictures.
Marilyn:Living their best life. Yeah.
Diane:That's it. A perfect they have a perfect existence. They look great. They dress great. They're invited.
Diane:And so if you're not living that life right away, it puts you in a position as a keen and up to feel less than Mhmm. And to feel sort of left out. It creates a situation not just where you really are left out, where you see social media and people, your friends talking to each other and making plans, and you're not included in the plans. Mhmm. That's horrendous enough.
Diane:And on on top of that, you have an image that you think is real and is not. And for some reason, the the child then feels they've done something that has created their being on the outside, not being included, not looking the same way. You have to so we're in the position right now as parents of having to raise very strong children that we never had to consider is how to have that internal strength of knowing what is real and not real.
Marilyn:Mhmm.
Diane:Being able, you know how we say to a young child before social media when they're feeling excluded from friends, we give them the I'm not saying it's a bad answer. We give them the adult answer of just find other people to play with.
Marilyn:Right.
Diane:I'm sure there are other people. Now you turn that into social media, and we say the same thing. Well, I'm sure there were other people. I'm sure that you will be invited to the next party, or you will do this. That's not necessarily true.
Diane:So the depth that these kids feel hurt is so much greater than we can even begin to understand, and that doesn't take in the bullying that goes on online. And to to each other, to other peers, changing pictures. So you're in a picture that you've never been in. People then assuming you've done something you've never done.
Marilyn:Right.
Diane:It is a mountain that we haven't even begun to climb yet in realizing the consequences of social media. I understand it has benefits. I'm not in any way invalidating the benefits, but it has a lot of ways that it can absolutely take a piece out of your own self worth. And once your self worth is tapped, you walk around with questions all the time about who I am. Am I good enough?
Diane:Am I good enough to be friends with these people? And and and creating a situation that none of us can solve. It is not a situation that is solved in words. It has to be solved in actions, which means receiving your self worth from a number of different arenas and not just social media.
Marilyn:Yeah. Well, hey. You know, even as adults, we feel left out. I know a lot of adults who suffer from serious FOMO, that fear of missing out. And I can't imagine for teenagers, it's such a core part of that sense of belonging and, that age where, you know, you wanna be in.
Marilyn:You wanna be in with any crowd. You know? Sometimes it's not maybe the crowd, but you want to feel like you're belonging somewhere. So what how do you help kids self regulate through that?
Diane:I think one of the most important things that we we need to do, and it's not always easy. And even as adults, we need to remember this. Do not have all your friends come out of the same group. Have multiple groups of friends. And I don't mean that you have to have 30 friends.
Diane:I'm talking about you have friends that maybe you play music with. You have friends that you do athletics with. You have friends you do an art class with. What happens is this the impact of having all your friendships come out of the same group sets you up to have difficulty. When we have multiple groups that are giving us feedback about who we are, what we're like, how they see us, when it's not going well in one group and it's going well in another, it gives us a way to deal with that information.
Diane:I can't be all wrong or all bad Mhmm. Because my friends over here in my music class, my friends are in my art class, my friends in my book club, whatever it is, just put yourself in that position as an adult. I must really be okay. It's if all your information is coming out of one group of people. It is going to be even now as adults.
Diane:We need to remember that having multiple groups that we get a sense of who we are to ourselves and to them is a much safer way to be. I encourage kids. If you're in your school, most of your sports come out of in that school. You're going to play sports, and, you know, then emanate out of school, particularly in high school. But if there's ever an opportunity to play not only for your team, your high school team, but to also play in another team or another taking that same skill and moving it over.
Diane:Or it is then you get you're getting multiple feedback from your skill set, how you are as a friend, how people see you. So in and it is not easy because it's easier to stay in one location. It's easy, you know, it's easier to access everything coming out of one location. So you have to work at it a little. But it's even coming up with what's a passion for a child?
Diane:And that passion doesn't have to emanate out of the particular school or group they're in. It can come from another place, another location. So I encourage kids, don't take all your information from what set of peers.
Marilyn:That is so important. And I and, know, it goes through we're talking about finding, choosing things, and ways of being to increase the feeling of happiness we're talking about ultimately. What are parents telling you right now that they're most overwhelmed by these days?
Diane:Well, I think, this is obviously social media and screen time and how do you sort of set up a schedule for it and the length of time. That's one thing. So screens, the pressure of school and the amount that the kids are doing both in and out of school. And, you know, one of the things I say to parents, it is so when you're looking at academics for a child, and we also are prone to believing you need to do well in every aspect of your schooling in order to do well in life, which is not always true, and getting comfortable with that as a parent. But also being able to look at what are the so looking at the pressures the kids are under.
Diane:And so those pressures are the same pressures that a parent is gonna feel because they're sitting and watching it. They're sitting and watching is their child invited. Are they left out?
Marilyn:Are they gonna get into the best college?
Diane:And it it having that constant pressure to keep up with friends, keep up with academics, keep up athletically, keep up. This whole thing about keeping up. We need to almost change that label and get rid of it is staying yourself. Just let's substitute a different language, being you, And rather than staying up, being you.
Marilyn:Yeah. So powerful.
Diane:And one of the things that's that's fun, you know, how how when kids are little, we go around the dinner table. What was your rose? What was your thorn? Meaning, what was your good thing that happened today? What was your bad thing?
Diane:I learned from from a professor at Stanford who said, don't ask rose or thorn or was hard or whatever. Talk about who did something hard today. Making hard a good thing rather than a bad thing. That we teach hard as being bad. We need to teach it as being good.
Diane:So saying to everybody, okay, at the dinner table, who did something hard today? And what are we gonna do as a family that's hard on the weekend? And I say to parents, you wanna find real happiness? Take singing lessons with your child when you're not a singer. And you wanna create a situation where everybody is laughing, but a kid is really is really watching an adult do something that is hard Yeah.
Diane:Rather than telling them we do things that are hard, making hard good rather than bad.
Marilyn:And keeping laughter in the mix. Right? Leaning into the laughter?
Diane:It is a must in using humor as a as a parent and helping the child see the humor in it. Humor negates a lot of anxiety, a lot of worry, a lot of bad feelings. So but you have to know how to use it cautiously because with teens, you can't kid around about certain things Yeah. Because they don't find it funny. So you have to know which topics
Marilyn:Yeah.
Diane:Are okay to be funny about. Like, we don't make we don't talk about dating in a funny way. We we that gets a little a little difficult for them. But keeping you know, when I say I say to parents and say to kids themselves, when things get out of hand and just saying having a phrase that you can say to yourself, like watching everybody meltdown, including yourself, is to just say to everybody, well, this was unexpected. Mhmm.
Diane:There's no answer here. This is just an unexpected situation that we're not gonna really do anything about. And seeing the humor in that and and looking at this is like worry, being able to be able to have perspective. And one of the things and having perspective, I think if we could get kids that perspective and we have perspective, I say to parents, ten, ten, and 10. And I give this to kids to understand how important something is.
Diane:When something happens and you say, should I act on this or not as a parent or as a teen, should I act on this or not? Say to yourself, because this is gonna be important in ten minutes from now. Is it gonna be important ten weeks from now? Is it gonna be important ten years from now? The things that are important ten years from now take on.
Marilyn:Yeah. You gotta deal with that.
Diane:Deal with it. And things that are in ten minutes are not gonna be meaningful, use humor. There is absolutely slip humor right in Great
Marilyn:guide. And it would help with the parents who feel so much guilt too. You know? It's helping them have some kind of framework for when to deal or when to speak up or when to choose those battles. Right?
Diane:Exactly right.
Marilyn:Why why is there so much guilt, do you think, for parents? What what do you think that's about?
Diane:I think it's a I think it's a number of things. One of the things which you talked about before is the belief that they're in this alone and that everything their child learns and does has to come from them. They have many people around them that they're gonna learn from and hear from and take action from, but there is because it represents who we are. So if we the fear and looking good is apparent, remember, reflect so we see it as reflecting on who we are as a person. And are we good enough so we're worried about the judgment from the outside world?
Diane:If we could do one thing for ourselves and every kid could learn it, is stop worrying about judgment.
Marilyn:When we come back, Diane shares practical ways parents can help their kids build confidence, navigate social pressure, and handle the judgment that comes from peers, plus simple tools families can use to create calm, connection, and perspective in their everyday lives. But before we dive back in, I wanna take a quick comfy moment. You might remember Brian and Michael Special from Shark Tank when they landed a deal with Barbara Corcoran for their big idea, the comfy. Brian and I go way back to our old news days. And when he told me about this idea to bring people comfort in a simple, tangible way, I instantly felt our visions aligning and knew without a doubt I wanted to join forces.
Marilyn:That's the very same heart behind this podcast, reminding people they're not alone and giving them a little comfort even in the darkest times. The comfy is exactly that. It's comfort you can wrap yourself in. So if you wanna bring that little bit of happy into your day, head over to the comfy.com and use the code I choose happy for 20% off. Wearable blankets that make life happier.
Marilyn:The Comfy, relax like you mean it. So far, we've heard about the pressures kids face navigating social media, school, and friendships, and the real impact it can have on their self worth. Now Diane takes it a step further talking about how parents can reconnect with themselves while guiding their kids and why staying grounded as a parent is just as important as helping children build confidence. You're asking the kids to identify with themselves and be themselves. How do parents get back in touch with themselves as they're navigate navigating their kids' lives?
Diane:Well, that it it is play because and I will use sports as an example. Everybody feels they have to play. And that that if they're not playing a sport, it's a problem. And if and it may not work for your family or it may not there are many children whose sport is an intellectual sport.
Marilyn:Yeah.
Diane:It's not a physical one.
Marilyn:Right.
Diane:And it it it may be joining a book club is their sport, their play, and being able to see it differently. But also stepping back as a parent when you do something and you feel you're gonna be left out from your group of friends who are also parenting, you have to ask yourself the question, what's important here? Yeah. Is it is it is it important that I'm in with this group as a parent and I do what's comfortable for them so they don't judge me? Or do I do what's right for my family and my child?
Diane:And and being asking yourself that question, is it right for somebody else or is it right for me as a parent and my family? And staying very, very clear about that. And we may lose friends and we may be judged. Nothing necessarily is gonna take that away but not having the fear around it. So we're judged.
Marilyn:Mhmm.
Diane:It is is I say to parents, so you're being judged. Is an appendage hanging? There's no appendage hanging. It's a feeling. It's an emotion.
Diane:It's a label, and that will pass. Wow. So
Marilyn:And great advice for that mom out there. What would you say to the mom out there who feels like she's just totally lost herself, completely overwhelmed?
Diane:A good expression is simplify, simplify, simplify. When in doubt, when overwhelmed, step back and say to yourself, what parts can I simplify? Does my child need five activities a week to do? Can they do three? Can they do two?
Diane:Do I need to be a member of every parent group, every meeting, everything? It one and I use it in life. When I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it's because I'm doing too much. Mhmm. And so when I immediately say to myself, simplify.
Diane:What can you simplify? And being able to teach a child how to let's simplify? What can we take off the plate that will make you feel better or make me feel better? How do we unload that? And so back up and simplify and not it's it's better to be really good at fewer things than to be mediocre at a lot.
Diane:Yeah. We know these things. Totally. Know all this already. We just have to transfer it into parenting and values we wanna teach kids.
Marilyn:What do you tell parents, who need is there a tool that you give them when they need to feel more calm and connected and grounded?
Diane:I yeah. I would and, again, there's no everybody believes there's a book, and there's a book that has an answer. And and a lot of books have a lot of answers. It's picking the one that's right for you and yourself and not getting caught up in that the answer is gonna be outside of ourselves. It's not.
Diane:It's gonna be inside yourself. So rather than looking outside, the first question we should always ask ourselves, have I looked inside myself? Have I looked for the answer inside? And even teaching the kid, have you looked for the answer? You know, we say to kids, you know that answer.
Diane:Just spin it a little bit differently and say, have you looked for the answer inside yourself? It's it's teaching that skill of understanding the answer is within. Listen to it. Mhmm. Hear it.
Diane:Take time to sit with it. So just spinning some of the words or labels or phrases we use with kids can teach them a life skill of look within. Look for the answer within, and then if you need help, get help that's gonna help you enrich and understand the answer within.
Marilyn:When you see a family that's really connected, what are they doing? What do you see? So for that family out there that's listening or somebody who's who's hearing this today, really looking for deeper connection, what do you notice is the difference?
Diane:One is communication. There is communicating without lecture. So there's communication, which is really sharing ideas and remembering communication is the ability being a listener, is the ability to be changed by what the other person is saying. So as a parent, listen. And even though we wanna jump right in when they say, I will all my friends are staying out till two, the first thing we wanna say is absolutely not.
Diane:And but if if we can step back and say and they give us the reasons, see if we can be changed by what they're saying and feeling safe. So communication is one of the number one things and finding out things that families enjoy as a whole. Mhmm. What do we do as a family that we love and don't let go of it? Don't say we're too busy.
Diane:There's too many things. School is too much. They have too much homework. Do not let go of the family rituals that support you as a family. You hold on to them, and you hold on to them through high school.
Diane:I want you to know that families that really are close have hobbies in common with their kids and and things that they love to do together. And we owe and I say, find it when they're young and then just keep making it more and more sophisticated. And don't let go. Always make room.
Marilyn:Before we wrap up today, there's so much wisdom. There's so many things that we're just I'm just overjoyed because I know that what you've shared today, Diane, is gonna help people find some some calm, find some perspective, find some hope, find this wisdom. And before we wrap up, I wanted to ask you, what do you think choosing happy means to you with regards to children and to parents?
Diane:I know it would it it's easy with with for for me, it's very easy with kids because in other words, I look for it all the time. I don't even have to look to it's there. There is so much humor in what kids are doing that we miss that we miss because we're too serious, that we miss when when they give us back and feedback our own terms, like when we say in a moment and when they're playing and we say it's time for dinner and they say in a moment. That's funny. That is they're just being us.
Diane:So seeing the humor in when they're us and feeding back to us what we look like, see the humor in it. And then, you know, on a personal level, I, you know, I come at it where I feel better when I'm happy. So for me, it's always it's not so much as looking forward as feeling it and allowing myself the moment to feel it. The second it takes, the minute it takes, the five minutes that will take, not overlooking it. As you can sit in discomfort, you can also sit in happiness.
Diane:So is allowing yourself the time to sit in happiness. And sometimes we move so quickly, we just don't.
Marilyn:And it's almost like imprinting it into your brain. Is that right? And
Diane:it we learn to practice, and we we make brain connections all our lives. The brain is very, very plastic. So the more we practice something, the more that we have a road that will take us there. So the more that we practice, I'm going to not flee the enjoyment I'm having right now, the joke, the humor, what was said. I learned a lot through teaching because I should have written a book about that alone because what kids say to you, if you can either look at it is that that irritates you and annoys you, or you can look at it as is the humor and truth in it.
Diane:And I always ask myself, is there humor or truth in it?
Marilyn:Beautiful. Beautiful guideline. Diane, last thing. And I know I said last thing last time. One more one more thing.
Marilyn:Could you give us an example, obviously, without giving any names, of someone that you could think of that's really gone through hell? And when you think of them now, you think of their joy.
Diane:Yes. I and and and I'm thinking of really two different situations. One is an adult that I'm I'm seeing and who's experiencing some life threatening illness. And there are four children involved and they're young. I know that the role that I can play because I didn't script it, I let it evolve to see how I could support and just I just went out for coffee with her on Sunday morning just to be with each other.
Diane:And I know that that gives her something to bring home to her children. And then I
Marilyn:The showing up.
Diane:The the and that is also not always talking about what is wrong Mhmm. But talking about what is right. Because sometimes we scratch the scab a little too much and we cause more pain than we need to. So sometimes taking somebody out of that again and normalizing and talking about normal things that have nothing to do at that moment with the struggle. And for I have a young woman right now who's early thirties and she went through a relationship and a tragic loss in her relationship of her partner getting hurt and dying in an accident And her journey has been incredibly long to pull herself out of that situation and everybody has given it a time limit.
Diane:She should be done. She should be finished. She should be okay now. And I have really, really taken the role of you take as long as you need.
Marilyn:There's no timeline with grief. Right?
Diane:None. And if we we and but we walk around with one. We all give suggestions. Well, it's been long enough. And it is Mhmm.
Diane:I'm here
Marilyn:It's pressure.
Diane:No matter how long your journey takes. And I'm here, and my thing is to get you the right resources that can help you and knowing I'm not always the right resource and being absolutely fine with that and giving that job to somebody else.
Marilyn:And that was Diane Provo. I always learned something so valuable from her. Morgan, get in here. I wanna talk about Diane.
Morgan:Ugh. I love having this focus on children. I just have such a belief that they deserve the world. And if we could all take some notes from Diane, something that stood out was talking about doing hard things and encouraging kids that it's good to do hard things to show yourself that you're capable.
Marilyn:Totally. And, you know, Morgan, I was thinking about that because at the time when I had cancer and the kids were, you know, seven and four when I was diagnosed, it was the worst thing I could imagine. This this huge Mount Everest ahead of us, going through treatment and chemo and radiation and all of that. Looking back, doing all of that together as a family, I wouldn't change a thing. I think it taught us all about not sweating the small stuff and how to work together as a team.
Morgan:Wow. That's incredibly powerful. And I know that you would never have chosen such a difficult experience, but it did give you guys that feeling of being a team, of getting through things together, and showing that ability to overcome. I can see the the silver linings there.
Marilyn:Absolutely. And I think it does give you this added perspective when you when you do that, and you know that together, you can overcome. And I also loved how she talked about doing fun things, you know, whether it's skiing or singing lessons Yeah. And and how that really strengthens the bond of a family.
Morgan:It's that well rounded idea. And I know we're talking about it in the framework of kids, but we can all take notes there.
Marilyn:Yeah. For sure. Thank you, Morgan, and thanks to all of you for listening. This has been I Choose Happy with Marilyn presented by The Comfy. And if you want these conversations to continue, you can always join us in the I Choose Happy Facebook group.
Marilyn:Morgan and I are in there every week, and we would love for you to be part of our community. We'll see you next week.