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Power does not always come from pushing harder. Sometimes in life and in business, the smartest move is to slow down so you can move forward with control, clarity, and intention. Just like a great driver, growth means looking ahead, preparing for the climb, and knowing when it is time to change gears.
[Zeb Beard] (0:23 - 0:37)
Welcome to Downshift with Tanika Haines, the automotive auntie. The thing about Tanika, she gets to know you. She'll laugh and cut up with you, but then she'll hit you with some knowledge that you may not want, but that you need.
Let's Downshift.
[Tonnika Haynes] (0:43 - 0:46)
I feel like we have to do a disclaimer in the beginning of this one.
[Sid Matlock] (0:46 - 0:49)
Oh, 100% this one needs a disclaimer.
[Tonnika Haynes] (0:50 - 1:57)
So here's my disclaimer. I'm a be professional. All right, so today we're going to step on some toes.
We're going to step into an uncomfortable conversation that does not, in my opinion, I don't know if it has been discussed before in the automotive industry. You know, we talk about protecting the business from fires, lawsuits, the economy, employees, bad customers. But what happens when the threat of everything you've built is, you know, a divorce shows up.
Now I've never been married and I'm not an expert. I'm not going to pretend I'm an expert. I'm not going to understand your experience.
My job today is just to listen and try to ask honest questions, let you tell your story, and hopefully this could help somebody's personal experience. And this is not legal or financial advice because I ain't a lawyer and I'm not very smart with money. That's not true.
I'm really good with money. Let's see, every situation is different and anyone facing divorce should speak with a qualified legal representative, not me.
[Sid Matlock] (1:58 - 2:12)
100%. And definitely not with me because I can tell you everything, you know, what not to do and how to take a bad situation and make it worse. Is that what you think you did?
I've never met a problem that I couldn't make worse.
[Tonnika Haynes] (2:13 - 2:14)
Oh, congratulations.
[Sid Matlock] (2:15 - 2:21)
So yeah, so definitely nobody needs to take any advice from me because I am definitely not an attorney.
[Tonnika Haynes] (2:22 - 2:30)
So how about you tell us the things that you feel that you did wrong that maybe you could have did better. Um, we don't have to, we're not going to say anybody's names.
[Sid Matlock] (2:31 - 2:42)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Yes, we will definitely leave out all the dirty details, but I 100% ran my mouth the entire time and talk smack the entire time.
[Tonnika Haynes] (2:43 - 2:55)
You know better now. So let's just start, um, about you. Let's just have, okay, so what is your, what is your connection to the automotive industry?
Who said, all right.
[Sid Matlock] (2:58 - 3:08)
Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely.
That is the absolute worst place on the face of the earth. The only guy that I know that loves New York is Nick in which, you know, Nick is special anyway.
[Tonnika Haynes] (3:09 - 3:10)
Yeah, Nick's a clown.
[Sid Matlock] (3:11 - 3:28)
Yes. 100% and, you know, thanks for the opportunity and having me here. I was going to say you absolutely let anybody on your podcast, but then I remembered you had both Nick and Chee on there, especially Nick.
So yes, at the same time.
[Tonnika Haynes] (3:29 - 3:30)
They'll pray for me.
[Sid Matlock] (3:32 - 3:34)
Oh, most definitely. Yeah.
[Tonnika Haynes] (3:34 - 3:36)
All right. So what's up with you?
[Sid Matlock] (3:36 - 3:47)
So my connection to the automotive industry, I'm a third generation shop owner in Somerville, Tennessee. So I've pretty much been around the industry my entire life. It's all I've ever known and all I've ever been around.
[Tonnika Haynes] (3:50 - 4:00)
So you've taken over the business third generation. What did your, what did it look like before the divorce? Let's just get to the dirty.
What did it look like before then?
[Sid Matlock] (4:01 - 4:06)
So, you know, luckily like in my divorce, I did not lose anything business wise.
[Tonnika Haynes] (4:06 - 4:07)
Okay. Great.
[Sid Matlock] (4:07 - 4:20)
I did not have to sacrifice anything business wise. Yeah. I know other people and I have talked to other business owners that have not been so fortunate and you have not been so lucky, but in that aspect of it, I got off pretty good.
[Tonnika Haynes] (4:21 - 4:30)
Okay. So what, what, what, what was the problem then? What do you think?
Do you think anything in the business led to divorce?
[Sid Matlock] (4:30 - 5:14)
Or was that just, no, no, not at all. Nope. Not at all.
That's a, that was a whole nother set of issues, but you know, I realized divorce is pretty much, you know, they start off one person says, Hey, I'm not happy anymore. You know, I want a divorce for, you know, whatever reason. And I've talked to several business owners and just, I've talked to a lot of people who have been through divorces.
And one common theme is, you know, it starts off the person that says, I want this divorce. They say, Hey, you know, I'm not happy. I want a divorce, but I want this to be fair and civil.
Well, you know, the words fair and civil have a totally different meaning when you are dealing with divorce.
[Tonnika Haynes] (5:17 - 5:18)
I'm here to listen.
[Sid Matlock] (5:19 - 5:41)
So essentially when that, you know, when your spouse tells you, Hey, I want to be fair and civil about this, what they're really trying to tell you is, Hey, I'm about to try to screw you out of as much as I possibly can. But if you will be cooperative and go along with it, I will at least be nice about it or try to be nice about it. That's the meaning of fair and civil when you're dealing with divorce.
[Tonnika Haynes] (5:43 - 5:43)
Okay.
[Sid Matlock] (5:44 - 6:10)
And they might go into it with, Hey, I have no intention of touching your business. You know, I didn't help build the business. It's not mine.
And then they go out, you know, once they start talking to an attorney and the attorney's like, Hey, you know, you're entitled to half that. Well, then the wheel start turning and you know, there you go. You know, you've got some leprechaun of an attorney that, you know, views your business as a pot of gold.
[Tonnika Haynes] (6:12 - 6:14)
But you said your, your business was protected.
[Sid Matlock] (6:15 - 6:26)
Well, it wasn't necessarily protected and divorce proof. It definitely was not divorce proof, but I was just able to skate by on that one due to some other reasons and circumstances.
[Tonnika Haynes] (6:27 - 6:32)
Okay. Do you think that you were set up for protection or you just got lucky?
[Sid Matlock] (6:33 - 6:40)
A hundred percent admit, you know, that I got lucky. I got very lucky in that aspect.
[Tonnika Haynes] (6:44 - 6:50)
So what went through your mind? I'm assuming that she said, she said that she wanted divorce.
[Sid Matlock] (6:50 - 6:52)
Oh yes. I was not the one that wanted it.
[Tonnika Haynes] (6:53 - 6:56)
So what went through your mind when those words came up, when that came up?
[Sid Matlock] (6:57 - 7:02)
It was, it was a shock. Completely. It was.
[Tonnika Haynes] (7:04 - 7:05)
See, it didn't have nothing to do with it.
[Sid Matlock] (7:06 - 7:07)
Nope. I did not.
[Tonnika Haynes] (7:08 - 7:27)
Okay. So like when you first hear that, do you I mean, you worried about the kids because you, you have two, three babies. I've got to worry about that.
You worry about finances. You worry about your heart. Like, what was the first thing you do when, when you're presented with those words?
[Sid Matlock] (7:28 - 7:59)
It definitely catches you off guard. It's definitely a shock. You know, cause you wake up and it's just, you know, it's just another normal day.
And then, you know, you get the phone call or you get the text or, you know, even the face-to-face conversation, you know, Hey, I want a divorce. You know, that's not something you necessarily just walk in expecting. And I know there's situations where there's couples that realize they don't get along, you know, and it's a mutual agreement.
But for most people, one person is always caught off guard.
[Tonnika Haynes] (8:00 - 8:01)
Yeah. And they don't say it coming.
[Sid Matlock] (8:02 - 8:13)
Yeah. I was caught off guard. I was kind of blindsided, blindsided by it.
I mean, I was, I was surprised, but then not surprised at the same time, if that makes sense.
[Tonnika Haynes] (8:14 - 8:16)
Nope. You got to elaborate for the people in the back.
[Sid Matlock] (8:19 - 8:27)
Meaning, you know, there had been issues in the past. So yes, I was, even though I was not expecting it, it was not a huge shock at the same time.
[Tonnika Haynes] (8:30 - 8:41)
So like, when you have a relationship and you think it's all good and she didn't think so, like where's the miscommunication there? If you look back over everything.
[Sid Matlock] (8:42 - 8:47)
So when I look back over everything, and like I said, and there's things I definitely don't want to discuss on here.
[Tonnika Haynes] (8:47 - 8:47)
Absolutely.
[Sid Matlock] (8:48 - 9:23)
You know, that I'm not, you know, I'm not going to put out there, you know, for the general public here, you know, what I'd much rather focus on is, you know, just kind of sharing bits and pieces of my experience, actually bits and pieces of other people's experience who have been by the same, you know, been through the same thing. For those out there who are maybe facing a similar situation and, you know, kind of helping them navigate that situation. Ultimately letting them know, hey, you're not alone.
You're not the only person that's been through this. Your situation is not unique. This happens every day.
[Tonnika Haynes] (9:23 - 9:48)
So you just take over this whole podcast and take the microphone and tell, you tell the people what you wish someone told you. Like I said, I've never been married. I haven't been through this.
Don't say it like that. One day, maybe I will. Probably not.
But that's a whole nother podcast. You can interview me about that. But you have something that you want to say because you reached out and whatever is from your heart, give it to me, Sid.
[Sid Matlock] (9:49 - 10:27)
Yep. So the thing that I guess I would tell people is, you know, hey, you know, if you wake up and find yourself in this situation, you know, try to take your emotions out of it the best that you can. And I know that's very hard to do in those situations.
And if you know your marriage is not salvageable, you know, there's no way to save it. It's like, okay, this is done. This is over with.
But I have got to protect my business. And hopefully, you know, somebody's smart about it. Their business is already divorce proof.
And they've already planned for this. But ultimately, most people don't.
[Tonnika Haynes] (10:29 - 10:58)
I wonder how you can even divorce proof of business. For example, if you started once you're married, you know, nobody wants to go into a marriage thinking that could end. Now, I would because that's who I am.
But most people go to a marriage and they're like, okay, forever and ever. Amen. We're going to do this death to his heart and all those good things that they say.
Like, how would you suggest someone divorce proof of a business, any kind of business?
[Sid Matlock] (10:59 - 11:08)
So that's a very good question. You know, I guess if you already have the business when you get married, definitely 100 percent have an attorney draw up a prenup.
[Tonnika Haynes] (11:10 - 11:14)
You know, and if you're But you don't love me, you're going to make me sign a prenup.
[Sid Matlock] (11:14 - 11:39)
Yep, that one. And I'm sure that happens all the time. You know, at the end of the day, it's really nothing personal because I mean, you're entering into an institution that has a decades long failure rate that's hovering at 50 percent.
You know, so half the marriages out here are going to end in divorce. People don't like to think about that. They don't even want to talk about that.
[Tonnika Haynes] (11:39 - 11:40)
Yeah.
[Sid Matlock] (11:42 - 12:21)
So so yeah, prenup. Definitely, you know, a prenup if you already have the business when you get married. But how many technicians are just people do we know out there?
You know, they're already married. You know, technician decides one day, hey, I want to open my own shop. So they go, they open their own shop.
They're already married. Well, you know, obviously, that's going to create a lot of issues at home. If you go back and say, hey, I'm opening this business and I'm not trying to necessarily plan for the worst here.
But could I get you to sign something that basically says in the event that we divorce, you can't touch the business. I mean, that's going to go over like a fart in charge.
[Tonnika Haynes] (12:23 - 12:41)
Yeah, I'm mad because you even just said that because I can't imagine whether it's a man or a woman. The other half of that relationship having to hear that like you don't trust me is the first thing that will come to my mind. It means absolutely business person.
But to your heart, that is painful to hear.
[Sid Matlock] (12:43 - 12:51)
Yeah, most definitely. And like you said, man or woman, that's going to be painful for anybody to hear. But at the same time, it's just the reality of the world that we live in.
[Tonnika Haynes] (12:52 - 13:03)
Oh, that's going to get a lot of comments in the comments section there. See it, but you're not lying. You're not lying.
[Zeb Beard] (13:04 - 13:04)
That's a sign.
[Tonnika Haynes] (13:05 - 13:37)
Oh, all right. So here's another thing to think about. So you're married, you're young.
You've been in this relationship five years. You got a little short people at home. You got a technician that wants to turn shop owner and he's a great technician.
He or she, she's a great technician. Decide to open up the business, open up the shop. Not only is that a whole business that is going to take more time away from the family and that is going to put a lot more strain on a relationship that might be a little fragile.
[Sid Matlock] (13:38 - 13:38)
Absolutely.
[Tonnika Haynes] (13:39 - 13:41)
So what do you do with that?
[Sid Matlock] (13:41 - 14:35)
That is a very good question because I feel like the majority of relationships out here in this day and time are borderline fragile. And you know, on the edge, you know, they're just kind of teetering on the edge as it is. And then you throw the stress of opening a business into the mix.
It's going to make things tough. You know, eventually there's going to be a huge disconnect in communication. You know, this person's working all the time.
They're trying to build the business where then you've got this other person at home that feels like everything's, you know, being neglected because they're trying to build the business because I feel like inevitably, like as business owners, more times than not, we end up being married to someone, you know, who has no desire to own a business. You know, they've never owned a business and they don't necessarily see your goals and your dreams and your visions the same way that you do.
[Tonnika Haynes] (14:37 - 15:35)
That's fair. And then maybe they feel like they're being left behind, especially if they're not working in there with you. He or she feels like they've been left behind.
They are doing all the housework, all the kid work. And you're doing two jobs because you're a technician and shop owner. So that's double shift.
And the truth about starting a business, any business, several years, you're going to be working. I mean, the shop might be open from nine to five, but you need to be there from seven to 10 sometimes. Like I remember my father working crazy hours like that.
And my hours were not so crazy, but there's plenty of 12 and 14 hour days that I've put in with toddlers. So that's why I said it's that this is a slippery slope because both people could potentially be hurting each other. But it sounds like communication from the beginning, no matter how difficult it could be, would be the key.
[Sid Matlock] (15:35 - 16:04)
Oh, absolutely. Both 100% need to be on the same page. And especially if you're going out opening a business, like you need to have everything dialed in at home first, you know, all your processes and procedures.
So to speak, you need to have everything dialed in with this person. And you both 100% need to be on the same page. And they need to have an idea of what you're trying to achieve or else there's going to be a lot of anger and frustration down the road.
[Tonnika Haynes] (16:05 - 16:29)
So communication is hard. People think talking and talking is not the same thing as communicating. You have to lend what you're trying to say.
And then you also have to be ready to listen and not listen to respond. So, dude, you messed me up with that one. What else would you tell the people?
Like what lessons did you learn going through your divorce?
[Sid Matlock] (16:30 - 16:37)
Oh, as far as lessons, I mean, I learned a lot. I learned that all is fair in a love and war.
[Tonnika Haynes] (16:41 - 16:42)
Elaborate.
[Sid Matlock] (16:42 - 16:58)
For sure. And you never know what's going on inside another person's head. I don't know what's going on in your head right now.
No more than you know what's going on in my head. And the same thing applies to the people that we live with. You truly never know what's going on inside of another person's head.
[Tonnika Haynes] (17:00 - 17:03)
Yeah, I watched Dateline a whole lot. I believe that.
[Sid Matlock] (17:04 - 17:05)
Yeah, I mean.
[Tonnika Haynes] (17:05 - 17:14)
Not the main language situation, but how do you... So you go through this divorce, and of course, you still got to go to work.
[Sid Matlock] (17:15 - 17:28)
Absolutely. Yeah, you still got to get up. You still got to get after it every day, because there's work sitting there to be done, customers to be taken care of.
The business does not stop.
[Tonnika Haynes] (17:28 - 17:39)
No. So how do you lead through something as big as what you're going through at home? Your life has turned upside down, but you got to be on point for everybody.
[Sid Matlock] (17:40 - 18:05)
I guess you've just got to tune that part of it out. Was I always good at tuning it out? No, I wasn't, because I'll be the first to admit.
There'd be days she'd send me a text about something, and I'd be like, all right, here's an opportunity. Let's fire this up and kick the hornet's nest just a little bit. And then next thing you know, that's got you distracted from everything that you're doing.
[Tonnika Haynes] (18:07 - 18:07)
Right.
[Sid Matlock] (18:09 - 18:19)
So yeah, I'd say turn the phone off during the day, or do whatever you have to do, or just tell yourself, I'm not going to respond to any of this today.
[Tonnika Haynes] (18:20 - 18:22)
Like, did your team know what was going on with you?
[Sid Matlock] (18:23 - 18:23)
They did.
[Tonnika Haynes] (18:25 - 18:27)
And allowed you grace, I hope.
[Sid Matlock] (18:28 - 18:34)
Yeah, they did. Now, pretty much, I tried to keep them out of it. You know, I didn't go into details or anything about it, but you know, they knew what was going on.
[Tonnika Haynes] (18:35 - 18:50)
But as an employee, I would be, even though you said, you know, you got out, I mean, fair and square, whatever you want to call it. But as an employee, if I know that my boss is going through a divorce and as a family owned business, I'd be worried about my job.
[Sid Matlock] (18:50 - 19:07)
Oh, I would be too. Yeah, if I worked somewhere and the owner came to me and said, hey, I'm going through a divorce, that would probably be the one of the first things that goes through my head is, you know, okay, is he going to, you know, lose half of this business? Or are they going to have to sell out?
You know, what's going to happen here?
[Tonnika Haynes] (19:08 - 19:20)
So how much do you tell your team as an owner that's going through something very personal? Like, do you sit down and say, hey, this is happening? Like, how does that conversation go?
[Sid Matlock] (19:21 - 19:42)
I'm trying to even remember how that conversation went with my team. I think I pretty much just told him, you know, like, hey, you know, I'm going through a divorce. But as far as, you know, potentially, you know, with the potential there to lose the shop, yeah, I guess that never came up.
I didn't even really think about it when I had that conversation with them.
[Tonnika Haynes] (19:43 - 20:22)
Yeah, because I can imagine, you know, once you start gossiping and stories start to change, that can blow up in your face. Everybody in the back is thinking, oh, my God, am I not going to have a job? This, that, whatever.
So if I would assume that if someone were in this position now, that sitting down in a professional manner with your team and letting them know as much as not so much, you won't tell everybody about all your dad going business. But hey, I'm going through this. I am doing everything I can to protect you and your jobs.
So on and so forth. Because not saying anything and letting gossip take over can be pretty dangerous. That's what I would say.
[Sid Matlock] (20:23 - 20:40)
Absolutely. Especially when you live in a small town like I do. I mean, I live in a town of 3,300 people.
Everybody knows everybody and their brother, you know, and their next door neighbor's cousin. Everybody knows everybody. So yeah, you know, word spreads pretty fast in a small town.
[Tonnika Haynes] (20:42 - 20:48)
So you don't do you think like this whole thing affected your stress level at work or anything like your leadership ability?
[Sid Matlock] (20:51 - 20:51)
Oh, 100%.
[Tonnika Haynes] (20:52 - 20:53)
You turned into a neighbor?
[Sid Matlock] (20:54 - 21:30)
It did. Yeah, it 100% affected me at work, you know, because there were days I'd get distracted dealing with it all. And, you know, and plus your dealing with attorneys.
You know, that's generally done during the day. You know, because I mean, attorneys don't work after hours. So you're trying to do, you know, you're trying to navigate this during the day because ultimately some of that stuff has to be dealt with during business hours.
So you're dealing with that. You're trying to run the business and it's a lot to deal with. And I see how people lose sight of their business and get, you know, just get distracted from dealing with it all because it's a lot to deal with.
[Tonnika Haynes] (21:31 - 21:57)
It is a lot to deal with. But distraction, I guess that's what you would call it. But it is just a part of the life.
And that was just a chapter of the life that you were in. And I guess you just put on autopilot and go through the motions at work. But if you're just going through the motions at work, that does affect cashflow and customer service and all that good stuff.
[Sid Matlock] (21:58 - 22:00)
Oh, absolutely. It can if you're not careful.
[Tonnika Haynes] (22:00 - 22:05)
So how would you be careful about it? What advice would you give someone on how to deal with that part of it?
[Sid Matlock] (22:06 - 22:24)
Just when you get to work, set it aside. You know, if you have to stop and take a phone call from your attorney or whatever, you know, stop, deal with it. But then just get right back to work.
Focus on work. You know, because a whole bunch of what you're going to deal with in a divorce, a whole lot of it is just noise.
[Tonnika Haynes] (22:27 - 22:54)
Okay, let's talk about not going to divorce. So these people are married. You got a couple that has a shop.
One's working at home or one's got, you know, working in corporate and one's at the shop or both of them there are in the shop. What conversations do you think business owners should be having before while their marriage is still healthy? Like, is there a conversation that needs to come to the table when things get rocky?
[Sid Matlock] (22:57 - 23:10)
Oh, you know, absolutely. There are, you know, conversations that you need to be having before things get rocky. But, you know, most people wait till the last minute to have those conversations.
By the time you start having those conversations, you know, it's too late.
[Tonnika Haynes] (23:10 - 23:41)
Mm hmm. I can't imagine how much of a struggle it is, like, especially when they're working together. You know, she's running an office.
You're running the back or vice versa. What, however, the setup is. And then having tension at work, because everybody has tension at work.
I don't care how good your team is and how good your culture is. Just like a family, you're going to have tension. So if you have that tension and then it goes back home, I wonder what's the divorce rate for that?
[Sid Matlock] (23:42 - 23:44)
For business owners that work together.
[Tonnika Haynes] (23:45 - 23:46)
Yeah, you can't escape each other.
[Sid Matlock] (23:47 - 23:54)
No, you can't. And I mean, you're literally you're stuck there together. And I would imagine that would be a whole different set of dynamics.
[Tonnika Haynes] (23:55 - 24:41)
I just imagine that if I had to work with a spouse, you set their boundaries. And here we go. I just thought had a thought.
My last couple of years of working with my dad were really, really stressful because he was my boss and he's my father. But I didn't have to go home with him. But what it did, it did keep me away from him more than I wish it had because I just could not escape him.
So but if you're married and you're in a tension, you know, and in this tension all day and just can't escape each other at home. Hey, I don't know. You can go play pickleball.
Yeah, somebody ends up stopping at the bar before they go home. And then the kids are neglected. I don't want to be all dramatic, but you're hitting some deep stuff there, though.
[Sid Matlock] (24:41 - 25:06)
Yeah. And also, if you work together, OK, for example, you know, what if the husband's the technician and he's working in the back, you know, and the wife runs the office, you know, they decide we're getting divorced. And she says, well, hey, this is all you.
I'm walking out. And then, you know, as the technician, you don't have a clue what she does during the day. You don't know how to do her job.
[Tonnika Haynes] (25:07 - 25:20)
That would probably add up to employee to new level. You got a key employee up front. Your S.O.L. And if it's a key employee that just quits, that's hard. It was your wife that quits on you. That's hard.
[Sid Matlock] (25:23 - 25:25)
That would be a tough one.
[Tonnika Haynes] (25:26 - 25:28)
That would be a tough one.
[Sid Matlock] (25:31 - 25:48)
And hey, I know I know some business owners, you know, where the husband and wife work together. Actually, one of my very best friends, they own a shop about an hour, a little over an hour north of me. And they they work together.
But they now they are truly a remarkable couple.
[Tonnika Haynes] (25:51 - 25:53)
Are they divorced or are you just.
[Sid Matlock] (25:53 - 26:06)
No, they they are happily married, have been for I think a little over 30 years. They're definitely the exception to the rule. And, you know, they work together very well.
And they're truly an amazing couple.
[Tonnika Haynes] (26:06 - 27:50)
Well, I guess the rule would be if you want to work together, whether it's husband or wife, father, son, daughter, blah, blah, blah. You have to have boundaries and you have to have great communication. You have to understand that, OK, yes, I understand.
You're the boss here, but I'm also important as well. You need to listen to me as communication across the board with any employee, any key employee, any low, low level employee is very important. So I bet that couple that you are talking about that you admire, they have really good communication skills.
Like he pisses her off and she pisses them off too. But they know how to come together and say, look, you just pissed me the hell off and I just cartoon killed you in my head. And we need to figure this out before it gets too big instead of waiting for something to get really, really big and then coming to talk about it.
And I would think that's true in more than just marriages. Because there's been times that I've had people call. I've done this myself before.
But, you know, I get a direct message and say, oh, this employee, this that what I'm this employee, this that whatever. And you're sitting there talking to your best friend, your best automotive buddy about this absolute terrible employee. And my question is usually, did you tell them?
And they're like, no. It's like, well, did you tell them how mad that person they made you? Like, did you literally let the anger go and put down the facts and say, hey, this is a problem.
And usually the answer is no, as if it's a big idea that I had. It's like, you're pissed off the person. You've told me all about it and they have no idea.
[Sid Matlock] (27:51 - 28:56)
Yeah, and there's a lot of that. So several and not changing the subject, maybe just a little bit. Several years ago, I believe it was back in 2022.
My ex-wife and I went to a four day intensive marriage workshop. You know, when we were having some problems, we were actually separated at the time had just got back together. And it's pretty much like going, you know, to an automotive conference.
You know, but for your marriage, you know, it's like a training event for your marriage. And I will say, like, even though we're not together now, you know, that was still probably one of the best events I've ever been to, learned a lot, learned a lot about communication. And you're right.
Most people, their spouse does something to piss them off. They don't even tell them, you know, they keep it in their head. They, you know, they tell their friends, family, whoever, and it just, you know, eventually keeps balling and balling to the point that everything explodes rather than just having that conversation saying, hey, you know, when you did this, it pissed me off.
[Tonnika Haynes] (28:57 - 29:39)
Yeah. Nobody likes confrontation. Normal people don't like confrontation.
But what happens is, in my opinion, I come to my girlfriend, I say, oh, he made me so mad. He did this and he did that and blah, blah, blah. And that girlfriend says, what?
You know what, girl? You so right. He is so wrong.
You get validation. So that's why people go to other people and complain to other people about that one person instead of going to the person that they have a problem with because you want the validation that you're right. So I can see that happening.
Like I said, inside of marriage, outside of marriage, friendship, employees, just communication seems like it's a big deal.
[Sid Matlock] (29:40 - 30:04)
It is. And when you start talking, like you say, to friends and family about it, and this is true on both sides, the wife goes and tells her girlfriend, hey, my husband did this to piss me off. And like you say, girl, you just need to leave him.
You deserve better, blah, blah, blah. Guy goes and tells one of his buddies. And kind of the same thing just worded a little difference.
Like, man, you need to just put her in the road.
[Tonnika Haynes] (30:05 - 30:08)
Put her in the road. It's more fish in the sea and blah, blah it is.
[Sid Matlock] (30:09 - 30:34)
Absolutely. Go ahead. And yeah, and that's another thing to be cautious about when you're going through something like this is watch who you talk to, watch who you vent to, and confess these problems too.
Because friends and family will 100% make things worse and will turn around and stab you in the back.
[Tonnika Haynes] (30:34 - 30:35)
Yep.
[Sid Matlock] (30:35 - 30:45)
You might have this family member that you think they're in your corner and everything you're telling them, they're running back and telling your spouse.
[Tonnika Haynes] (30:46 - 30:59)
Yep. And it's probably not the exact same thing you told them. You got to think about what was it, kindergarten, first grade, you sit in that circle and then you say something to the person next to you.
And by the time it gets around the circle, it's completely different.
[Sid Matlock] (31:00 - 31:02)
It's a completely different story.
[Tonnika Haynes] (31:04 - 31:44)
Completely different story. And I know somebody's like, oh, I'm not married. I'm not divorced.
And neither am I, but I'm just saying this all boils back. Not everything, but a lot of this boils back to communication. Find the right person to communicate with.
Make sure that person isn't just an amen corner. I want my girlfriend to say, girl, you know what, you so right. And then give me 30 minutes to cool down and call me back and say, you know what, you crazy as heck.
That was the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. You need a friend to come to you and say, you know, that was real stupid. You might want to shut up.
Instead of an amen corner, everybody wants an amen. You're like, yeah, yeah, you're right. No, you was wrong.
That was wrong.
[Sid Matlock] (31:45 - 32:04)
Yeah. And I mean, and if you have a friend that, you know, agrees with you on everything, I'm going to go as far to say they're really not that good of a friend because you need that person that's like, hey, you're being absolutely ridiculous today. You need to really think this over and you need to tone it down a notch.
[Tonnika Haynes] (32:04 - 32:05)
Yeah.
[Sid Matlock] (32:05 - 32:10)
Yeah. Rather than just agreeing with everything that you say.
[Tonnika Haynes] (32:11 - 32:23)
And then, you know, the more, the more successful you are, the more you're going to get an amen corner because they don't want to go against what you say because they don't want to cut you off. And they don't want to make you mad just in case they need something from you.
[Sid Matlock] (32:23 - 32:23)
Right.
[Tonnika Haynes] (32:24 - 32:53)
So that is another part of leadership when you have to deal with where I'm going back to leadership. I'm thinking, okay, so you're at the top of the food chain and you've got your employees and you don't know how to communicate with them well. And they don't know, they don't trust that they can communicate with you.
They don't trust that they can tell the boss exactly what they're thinking, respectfully, of course, you know, every time they come with you an idea or complaint or something you didn't do is something you made a mistake with how they're going to retaliate.
[Sid Matlock] (32:55 - 33:15)
So, you know, and different people have different communication styles, you know, not everybody communicates the same. So, you know, especially in a marriage, like you need to understand your spouse and their communication style. They need to understand you and your communication style.
So you can both make sure you're on the same page at all times.
[Tonnika Haynes] (33:16 - 33:23)
That's difficult. And that's got to be work. That's probably work that you have to do all the time.
Not when just something.
[Sid Matlock] (33:23 - 33:27)
Daily. Yeah. You have to know when to put it off too.
[Tonnika Haynes] (33:27 - 33:37)
Like I'm just thinking back on that couple, you said it's not too far from you and you see them have a really good relationship. But I bet you they know when to clock in and clock out.
[Sid Matlock] (33:38 - 33:48)
I would. Yes, I would say so. So obviously, obviously I'm not around them all day, every day.
But yes, I would say they know when to clock in and clock out.
[Tonnika Haynes] (33:48 - 34:30)
There's certain couples I see in the industry that work together. And they, their dynamics are just so professional. Yet you can see all the love and respect.
But you know that he or she could snap just like that. Like, whoa, they're not docile. They're just, you know, choosing the time and the place to have their arguments.
Then I can see other couples that argue in public, that are real ratchet and all of those good things. So relationships are real work. More than a nine to five, 24 seven.
And what would you say to the person who wife just walked up to him and said, I want a divorce? What would you tell that brother?
[Sid Matlock] (34:33 - 35:08)
So my first initial reaction would be, and I would back up on this. My first initial reaction would probably be, you know, just go for it, get it done and over with. But all jokes aside, you know, I probably tell them, you know, hey, you know, if there's a chance at saving this, you know, fight for it, try to save it.
You know, and if not, you know, just get ready, get prepared and get it done. Try to get it done and over with as quick as you can.
[Tonnika Haynes] (35:09 - 35:12)
Like, I still want to know what does get ready and get prepared mean, though.
[Sid Matlock] (35:12 - 35:44)
What does that look like? All right, so getting ready and getting prepared. I would say the first step, you know, obviously, you need to seek professional legal advice from an attorney, you know, not from your buddy at the bar or, you know, your girlfriend, whoever, you know, seek professional legal advice, you know, and listen to them.
You know, whatever they tell you, listen to them. They're the professional. I was not always very good about listening to my attorney.
[Tonnika Haynes] (35:44 - 35:47)
Tells that you knew more than they knew.
[Sid Matlock] (35:47 - 35:54)
I didn't necessarily. I definitely don't know more than he does, but he would tell me not to do something. And I'd turn around and do it anyway.
[Tonnika Haynes] (35:55 - 35:56)
Hard-headed.
[Sid Matlock] (35:56 - 37:18)
Okay, carry on. Oh, yeah, very, very much. I'm very stubborn and hard-headed.
So, yeah, he'd tell me to keep my mouth shut. I double down. I would not recommend doing that.
And as far as getting prepared, you know, you almost need to become a private investigator. You know, if this person wants a divorce, there's a reason why they want a divorce. You know, sometimes it could be because there's somebody, you know, there's somebody else in the picture.
You know, just start gathering whatever information you can, because this person, you might still be legally married to them. They're no longer, they are no longer your partner. They are no longer your friend.
They might not necessarily be an enemy yet. But when that conversation is had, they are definitely an opponent at that point. Because you're not on the same team anymore, because they're wanting to go one direction, and they're not going to disclose to you, you know, the full reason, you know, whatever that reason might be.
They are not going to disclose it. Another thing, and I'm sure I'll get a lot of hate for this, and it's probably kind of controversial, but if you own a business, you need a stash of money that your spouse does not know about.
[Tonnika Haynes] (37:22 - 37:24)
Oh yeah, you're going to get in trouble for that one.
[Sid Matlock] (37:24 - 37:25)
Oh, I'm sure I will.
[Tonnika Haynes] (37:25 - 37:30)
Because here's the thing, if you were a woman saying that, you wouldn't get in trouble for saying that.
[Sid Matlock] (37:31 - 37:50)
Oh, yeah, I realize that. But as a guy saying that, I'm sure I will get a lot of hate for it. And it doesn't matter if it's the husband or wife, you know, that wants the divorce, you can pretty much guarantee the one who is initiating the divorce, the one that wants it, they're already setting money aside whether you realize it or not.
[Tonnika Haynes] (37:53 - 37:54)
So they've been getting ready.
[Sid Matlock] (37:55 - 38:42)
Yes, a lot of times they've been getting ready. So they're had money, so you need to do the same thing. And, you know, there's tons of different ways, you know, to hide money.
There's a girl, I don't know her personally. She is kind of a distant, you know, distant relative. She started preparing for her divorce two years in advance.
And what she would do when she would go grocery shopping, she would buy like a $25 visa card every week when she got groceries, maybe a $50 visa card. So two years later, she has a stack of these things. He's oblivious to it.
[Tonnika Haynes] (38:45 - 38:46)
I ain't never getting married. That's crazy.
[Sid Matlock] (38:47 - 39:00)
Yeah, so yeah, I mean, your spouse is already preparing and hey, they're hiding money. You need to do the same. And like I said, I know I'll get a lot of hate for that one, but it's just the truth.
[Tonnika Haynes] (39:01 - 39:30)
I say I'll never get married. We'll know. I'll see what God has in store for me.
But that is that is scary to think of. That's just that's scary, especially like you say your business was protected. But your third generation, right?
So that means three generations, your bloodline is connected to that business. And you were lucky that you did not lose half of it. But if you did, that would have been devastating.
[Sid Matlock] (39:32 - 39:53)
Oh, it would have been very devastating. Yeah, it would have been ultra devastating. Hey, and as far as you saying you'll never get married, never say never because I've learned that every time I say never on something, you know, life surprises me or it bites me in the butt.
So where I'm at right now, as I just tell people, I have no intentions of ever getting married again.
[Tonnika Haynes] (39:53 - 40:08)
No, I don't want to be married. I'm just like not. I'm not wanting to be married for the white dress and the party and whatever, but somebody will come away that'll change my mind.
Maybe we'll see.
[Sid Matlock] (40:09 - 40:10)
Hey, you never know.
[Tonnika Haynes] (40:11 - 40:18)
We'll see someone not worry about my shop being taken from me or my assets, land, property, monies.
[Sid Matlock] (40:20 - 40:23)
Make sure you get a hell of a prenup.
[Tonnika Haynes] (40:26 - 40:40)
That's what I'd even think about. Yeah, go back and talk yourself. Talk yourself before this divorce.
Like you don't think there was anything that you could do to save it.
[Sid Matlock] (40:42 - 40:43)
No, there there wasn't.
[Tonnika Haynes] (40:46 - 40:48)
So what did this teach you about yourself going through all of this?
[Sid Matlock] (40:50 - 41:15)
Oh, what did it teach me about myself? I learned a lot and I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but I feel like I've come out on the other end of it, you know, wiser, you know, at a better person. But yeah, I definitely learned a lot about it.
You know, I learned, I learned moving forward, you know, things that I won't tolerate, you know, things that I won't put up with.
[Tonnika Haynes] (41:19 - 41:21)
Yeah, any softer things that you learned?
[Sid Matlock] (41:23 - 41:30)
Softer things, let me think. I can't think of any examples of some softer things. I'm kind of drawing a blank on that one.
[Tonnika Haynes] (41:30 - 41:39)
It's all good. What else do you have for all people out here that might be going through a breakup or divorce?
[Sid Matlock] (41:41 - 41:47)
Um, I think I touched on this one earlier, but I mean, divorce is warfare.
[Zeb Beard] (41:50 - 41:51)
It really and truly is.
[Sid Matlock] (41:52 - 42:52)
I don't think it necessarily, I don't think it has to be. Again, it's no different than, you know, you have two countries that are in a conflict with each other. You know, there's something they're arguing over, something they're fighting over.
They can't reach an agreement on it. You know, the peaceful tactics, you know, don't work. So, you know, what's the last option?
You know, you go to war. And in my opinion, you know, when you go to war, it's not always about winning. It's about, you know, you've got a set of goals and objectives and you want to get as close to those goals and objectives and minimize damage, you know.
But in the end, there's always collateral damage, always. And that really applies to divorce because there's tons of collateral damage with divorce. You know, there's emotional damage, you know, not only for, you know, the two people involved, but you know, your kids, family members.
I mean, it just, it runs downhill. There's a lot of moving pieces to it.
[Tonnika Haynes] (42:53 - 43:15)
Yeah. What would you tell the owner that was like embarrassed about what they were going through or just like completely ashamed or maybe they are going through and they feel completely alone in this whole thing? Because I think that's really why you reached out because you was like, there's, this is happening and they feel alone.
[Sid Matlock] (43:16 - 43:53)
Yeah, they do. They do feel alone because, you know, it's one of those subjects that nobody wants to talk about, even though it's something that's super common that happens every day. And I had a conversation with a guy actually just last week, you know, that's kind of starting to, you know, go through the process, you know, and he's kind of embarrassed.
He's ashamed. I'm like, man, you're not the only one that's ever been through this. This happens every day.
You know, you are not alone. You know, there are plenty of guys out there, you know, myself included, that, you know, are willing to sit there, you know, and talk to you and you're not alone in it.
[Tonnika Haynes] (43:54 - 44:02)
Would you be comfortable for someone that reached out after listening to this podcast and was like, hey, dude, I feel you on that. Can I get you here for a second?
[Sid Matlock] (44:03 - 44:04)
Yeah, oh, absolutely.
[Tonnika Haynes] (44:04 - 44:06)
Yeah. Did you have a person?
[Sid Matlock] (44:07 - 44:08)
I did.
[Tonnika Haynes] (44:08 - 44:09)
Good.
[Sid Matlock] (44:09 - 44:55)
Yep, I did. Yeah, basically my go-to person, you know, when I needed to, you know, vent and, you know, complain was my friend. I was telling you about her aware that owns a shop north of me.
Like him and his wife were there for me the entire time, right? You know, they were there for the whole process. That's good.
And, you know, they never, you know, they never gave me bad advice. You know, when I needed to vent, you know, he would just listen. You know, obviously he's never been divorced because they've been married for 30 something years.
But yes, they were there for me the entire time. So yeah, if somebody reaches out to me, I will absolutely make time to talk to them.
[Tonnika Haynes] (44:55 - 44:58)
There's nothing like having somebody that'll listen to you.
[Sid Matlock] (44:59 - 45:06)
And that's all some of them need. They just need somebody to talk to, you know, that'll listen to them. That's, you know, an outside perspective.
[Tonnika Haynes] (45:06 - 46:00)
Yeah, listening without trying to help. Like, yes, you just listen to me. I don't need you to help me.
I don't need your advice. I just need to get this off of my chest and my heart. So when sometimes people want to tell you something, you really don't have to have, I'm not talking to you, of course.
But when some people are coming to you and they're bearing their soul, they just want to get it out. Sometimes they don't need you to have a solution for them. They're not ready to listen to that part yet.
So just let them do the whole dump, the whole emotional dump, get it over with, cry and snot, cursing and whatever. Give them a couple hours or maybe even a day and then go back and check on them. And then if you have some good advice or encouragement, then share it.
But nobody wants to hear, oh, it's going to be okay. Damn it. You don't know if it's going to be okay.
Just let me get it out.
[Zeb Beard] (46:01 - 46:01)
Right.
[Tonnika Haynes] (46:01 - 46:15)
You'll be fine. I had a friend that did that to me and it hurts me to this day. Oh, you'll be fine.
Damn, did you hear anything I just said? I know it may be fine, but right now I am devastated.
[Sid Matlock] (46:16 - 46:22)
Let me be devastated. Right now you're not fine. Right now you're not fine.
Yeah, right now at this exact moment, you're not.
[Tonnika Haynes] (46:23 - 46:32)
Yeah, so people need to know it's okay to not be fine today. I'm not going to let you not be fine for two or three days, but today it's okay. Go ahead, throw it at me.
[Sid Matlock] (46:33 - 47:22)
Yeah, another thing. A friend of mine told me one time and he had been through Alcoholics Anonymous. And one thing he told me, he said, and he had been through a divorce, he said, I'm not going to give you advice.
He said, because people do not listen to advice. And he's right, they don't. He said, so I'm just going to, you know, he said in the AA meetings, you pretty much share your story.
Of course, I don't know how that works. I'm not an alcoholic. I don't even drink.
I'm pretty boring. So he said in AA, you know, you share your story. He said, so I'm fixing to do the same thing with you.
He said, I'm going to share my divorce story with you. And you can see if any of it resonates with you or you can relate to it. And that was definitely a different perspective hearing it that way.
[Tonnika Haynes] (47:23 - 47:56)
Yeah, because you got to see that nobody wants to hear, hear someone say, dude, other people have this problem too when you're having a problem. It's like, I've got a headache. Oh, me too.
Shut up. I've got a headache. Oh, yeah, I get headaches too.
You don't want to hear that. But what he did for you was let you know in a story, which was his story, that there's another side to this. And that I got through it.
You still see me sitting here and you will too. But he did that for you without a whole fable or whatever.
[Sid Matlock] (47:57 - 48:59)
Right. The guy that I talked to last week, that's kind of what I told him. I'm like, you know, I'm trying to remember.
I think he said him and his wife have been married for maybe 12 years. He said at least, you know, half of them have been miserable and that he's been unhappy six, seven years, whatever. And he's torn, you know, between wanting to end things, wanting to make it work.
But he said the same patterns keep repeating. And it's kind of like, you know, they're not going to get any better. And he is very much intimidated by the whole divorce process.
You know, everything about it scares him. And, you know, I know it varies state to state, like where I'm at in Tennessee, you know, if you file for divorce, if you don't have kids, there's a 60 day waiting period before you can be granted a divorce. Like if the two of you can get everything hashed out and banged out in 60 days, you know, you can be granted a divorce.
[Tonnika Haynes] (48:59 - 49:03)
I think it's separated for a year first here in North Carolina.
[Sid Matlock] (49:03 - 50:06)
I don't know. If you have kids in Tennessee, there is a mandatory 90 day waiting period. Which my divorce, I think from start to finish, we started the process in, believe it was towards the end of January of 2025.
We did mediation in September of 2025. So I mean, it lasted nine months for sure. And then I think it was like another month or so before actually got the divorce decree.
But like what I told him, I'm like, okay, you've been miserable for six or seven years. This divorce could potentially take a year to accomplish. But if you've already been miserable for six years, you can survive a year of chaos and hell.
You know, to come out better on that, to come out better on the other side. It's like, are you wanting to sacrifice the rest of your life of being miserable? Or can you, you know, buckle down and survive an uncomfortable three months, six months or a year?
[Tonnika Haynes] (50:07 - 50:10)
Well, I think people worry about what people are going to say.
[Sid Matlock] (50:12 - 50:24)
Oh, 100%. Yeah, especially, yeah, they're worried about what friends are going to think. You know, family members are going to think what their community is going to think.
And that's what a lot of people.
[Tonnika Haynes] (50:24 - 50:25)
And even a small town. That's a really small.
[Sid Matlock] (50:26 - 50:32)
Yes, I do. And like I said, my family has been here forever. I mean, I know everybody and their brother here.
[Tonnika Haynes] (50:34 - 50:42)
So if you're not strong enough, that's crazy. You would stay in a situation for the remainder of your life because you're worried about what the outside says.
[Sid Matlock] (50:44 - 50:48)
And that's one thing I did not worry about. I did not worry one bit about what other people were going to think.
[Tonnika Haynes] (50:49 - 50:51)
You sound like me. It's like a Capricorn.
[Sid Matlock] (50:54 - 50:59)
I was just talking to, hey, they can think what they want to think. Like, I didn't care.
[Tonnika Haynes] (51:01 - 51:25)
Yeah, I don't completely not care what people think, but at the end of the day, I say it. What you eat does not make me I cannot give a rat's ass about that. I have to be able to sleep at night.
I have to worry about me. I have to worry about myself. So I'll be okay.
So I can worry about the two little minions running around here that are my children. Other than that, because people don't make up stuff anyway, right?
[Sid Matlock] (51:25 - 52:46)
Oh, they are. And especially in a small town, I mean, the complete narrative, you know, the narrative is going to get rewritten for you. You know, it's going to start off.
You know, it pretty much kind of runs, you know, runs in a cycle and ways, you know, somebody, oh, so-and-so said that, you know, Sid's getting divorced. And then, oh, really? And you know, next thing you know, somebody's talking about it at the restaurant, at the gas station, you know, wherever.
And they're pretty much going to write a version of the story for you that you're not even aware of. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be a completely different, you know, different version.
I mean, I'll tell you, I mean, I filed on the, or we filed on the grounds, it's pretty much just, you know, irreconcilable differences. We just, we could not get along. We're complete opposites.
She is not a bad person. Our personalities do not mix. It is like oil and water.
So yeah, you know, irreconcilable differences. But you know, in a small town, next thing you know, it could be, you know, Sid ran off with a stripper, or, you know, whatever. You know, they're going to write all these different versions.
[Tonnika Haynes] (52:46 - 52:47)
You ran off with a stripper.
[Sid Matlock] (52:48 - 53:02)
Yeah, it can be, it can be all these different versions that you're not even aware of. And like for me, I mean, I just made a light of it. It just, it became, at that point, it becomes entertainment.
[Tonnika Haynes] (53:03 - 53:55)
Right. I can't imagine a small town that small. So basically, here's the deal.
If you got to go through a divorce, go through it, through it, don't get stuck. Don't let it ruin your life. If you feel like a divorce is coming, you can work on it through communication, real communication, even if you need professional help.
Um, and if it's going to happen, protect your neck and your finances. Oh, what did you say? Well, it's our private eye and spread the gadget.
Protect yourself. I used to hate my own stepfather, would say, love, don't love nobody. And this was like, to me, so sad.
But at the end of the day, it don't.
[Sid Matlock] (53:55 - 53:56)
No, it does.
[Tonnika Haynes] (53:56 - 54:37)
For those of you who have been married 20, 30, 40 years, 50 years, your grandparents have had their 75th wedding anniversary. And when I see those things, I do get a little sad, like, oh man, I'm not going to be able to say that. But then when I see a divorce proceeding on, like going through social media, and they're killing each other.
I'm just like, God, so mighty. And then might get in trouble for this one. Those that have been together 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40 years.
Were they miserable the whole time? Cause they did not want to speak up and they didn't want the gossip. And so they just stayed in it and they've been miserable.
[Sid Matlock] (54:38 - 55:16)
I think there's a lot of that. And I think there is far more of that than people are willing to admit, especially with the older generation, maybe not so much with, you know, my generation or your generation. But I think with our grandparents generation, you know, there is no way in hell every single one of those couples had a happy and healthy marriage.
That generation just stuck it out. But, you know, things were different then. I mean, you, I mean, go back to the, you know, 1950s, you know, where the husband was the only one working.
You know, the wife's at home. She had, she had no escape route.
[Tonnika Haynes] (55:16 - 55:17)
Right.
[Sid Matlock] (55:17 - 55:29)
You know, if he was a raging alcoholic, you know, and came home and beat the shit out of her, out of her every day, she really had nowhere to go because divorce was so frowned upon in those days.
[Tonnika Haynes] (55:29 - 56:58)
That is, it still is, but I think not so much as it used to be. And then there's a religious aspect of it. We're not going to get in.
That's not my business to do that. I'm not an expert on either thing, religion or marriage. But unfortunately, some people are stuck because they're worried about what others are going to think and the optics of it and the message in the Bible about it.
And you never know what goes on behind somebody's doors at work or at home. And there may be people suffering in silence and it's not always a physical abuse. It's an emotional abuse as well or mental abuse.
You don't find it. Yeah, because their parents were together for 30 years. Their parents were together for 40, 50 years and was like, why can't I be like mom and dad?
Or are they going to they stay there just because they're trying to get to that magic number like their parents did and they want that part of the American dream. But it's not true for them in that relationship at least. Not saying it'll never happen again, but I would rather be in a very healthy 10 year relationship.
You know, I get married when I'm 70 and it'll be the happiest 10 years instead of saying, hey, we got married when I was 20. Now we're 70 and Bob just died. I've been wanting him to die for 45 years.
Now you're free. You're damn dead.
[Sid Matlock] (56:59 - 57:17)
Yeah, I'm sure that happens every day. I've got a customer of mine. I think when he remarried the second time, I'm pretty sure he was in his 60s when he remarried the second time.
And you can actually you can look at them and tell that, you know, they are a happy couple.
[Tonnika Haynes] (57:19 - 57:24)
Yeah, you can see that when people come into the shop and the way they interact with each other.
[Sid Matlock] (57:24 - 59:03)
Oh yeah, you can see it all over. You can see the ones that are happy. You can see the ones that are miserable.
And sometimes, and sometimes it's just little things. I've told this story a couple of times. It's probably been it's been a few months ago, a customer dropped his truck off.
He had a nail on a tire. He needed a tire patched. And one of his tire pressure monitors was dead.
You know, it wasn't ready. I wanted it replaced. So we tested all four monitors and he had another monitor and the truck wasn't very old.
You know, I don't know how you do it at your shop, but if it's an older vehicle, several years old, all four of them. But this thing was like a 2024 model he'd already put. It was out of warranty.
It already had like 40,000 miles. One sensor's dead. The other one's got like 10% battery life.
The other two were good. So in that situation, I said, hey, you know, you've got this dead monitor. You've got another one this week.
You know, we need to go ahead and do it too while it's in here. So when I called him, he didn't answer his wife answer. So I asked to speak to him.
She's like, he's outside, you know, cutting grass. What's up? Well, I told her.
And there was no, oh, let me go run it by him. Her response was he's busy. I know he'll want that taken care of.
Just go ahead and do it. It's like, okay, you can tell these two are on the same page. They work together.
You know, she trusts his judgment on stuff. He trusts her judgment on stuff. Like you could tell that they were a team, right?
And technically, and they own a business together.
[Tonnika Haynes] (59:04 - 59:10)
But you can tell people that come in and you're just like, they do not match. Like the energy was off.
[Sid Matlock] (59:10 - 59:10)
Like, yeah.
[Tonnika Haynes] (59:12 - 1:00:09)
It's just that's so scary. And it's like, okay, wow. And you see the person that they really take care of each other.
Like you say they know, like he'll go ahead and do it. He's out there cutting grass. Go ahead and get it done.
And if he has a problem, he just had to come through me. Just make a joke out of it. Like, he'll be fine.
But if I literally remember calling a client about their car and husband and wife team and tech metric, you can't see whose name unless you put it there. But anyway, I call him or her and they didn't want to talk about the car. We just call them and I can hear the person in the background right next to them.
And so instead of just giving them the phone, it's just little things like that. Call them on this phone. I don't have anything to do with that.
It's like, okay, don't y'all live in the same house? Like what's happening? Well, some people think it's, like you said, or it's a partnership, right?
But this should be a partnership with some love to it also. Like you can tell when people don't vibe.
[Sid Matlock] (1:00:11 - 1:00:21)
Oh, yeah. And like you're talking about the one that you call where literally the other person sitting next to them and they're doing the whole trying to relay stuff back and forth.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:00:22 - 1:00:28)
Yeah, or the husband in the background telling the wife what to say. Just put them on the phone. And if she doesn't say it right, you can hear it in his voice.
[Sid Matlock] (1:00:28 - 1:00:33)
Yeah, that those that doesn't happen too terribly often. But that drives me crazy.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:00:33 - 1:00:35)
It's like a lot here.
[Sid Matlock] (1:00:35 - 1:00:36)
You've got the husband.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:00:36 - 1:00:46)
And it's like, why didn't you just call yourself? Apparently she doesn't know what you're asking you, but you're in the background demanding this that whatever so.
[Sid Matlock] (1:00:48 - 1:01:15)
Yeah, that one. We could go. We could have a whole conversation about that one.
You know, the husband's back there telling her everything to say. She says something wrong. He jumps her ass and it's like, okay, dude, she's not your subservient little serf.
You know, get on the damn phone. You know, rather than criticizing her over. She's in a conversation where she doesn't really maybe understand it the same way he does.
He knows what to say. She doesn't.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:01:15 - 1:01:18)
Maybe he's not making this stuff clear again with communication.
[Sid Matlock] (1:01:21 - 1:01:26)
Yeah, so much in life comes down to communication.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:01:27 - 1:01:34)
That is true. This started off as a episode about divorce and ended up with about communication.
[Sid Matlock] (1:01:35 - 1:01:48)
Yep, you've got one that's an over communicator and you've got one that's an under communicator. And, you know, there you go. It becomes like on water and they and both people end up frustrated in the end when that happens.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:01:50 - 1:01:59)
That's so true. You got one. Yeah, one person is sitting there.
They don't like to talk. They don't want to talk. And then you got me.
I want to talk about everything.
[Sid Matlock] (1:02:00 - 1:02:02)
Oh, me too. Yeah, I never shut up.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:02:02 - 1:02:14)
Yeah, I just want to talk about it. I don't I don't want to talk. I don't feel like talking.
Why don't you feel like I don't feel like it like okay. So I'm talking to myself right now. Maybe I should shut up.
[Sid Matlock] (1:02:17 - 1:02:31)
Yeah, there's a lot. You see a lot of that. You know, you've got one spouse that's, you know, super quiet, super reserved.
And then you've got the other one that you know, a loudmouth and they talk all the time. You know, that person and they get frustrated with each other.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:02:33 - 1:03:08)
Communication counseling. And like, what is that? The disassessment.
I just every time I look at those, I laugh at them because I'm a high D with the I. But then me talking to was the S and C. I can't do it.
I can't do it. I feel like a bulldozer when I talk to other people. Sometimes I feel so mean at the end of the conversation.
Oh, man, I just ran over them. And they were just trying to get all of the information and I'm just so different communication styles at work and relationships and friendships can be difficult to navigate.
[Sid Matlock] (1:03:10 - 1:03:16)
Yeah, most definitely. Do you know who Gary Chapman is? He wrote the book, The Five Wild Languages.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:03:16 - 1:03:19)
No, I've heard of that. Not familiar with it that much.
[Sid Matlock] (1:03:19 - 1:03:39)
So I went to one of his conferences that's been years ago and he kind of summed that up on some personality types. He said you've got one that's the babbling brook. They talk all the time and then you've got the other one that's the Dead Sea that never has much to say.
And he said inevitably these two people end up marrying each other more times than not.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:03:43 - 1:04:13)
So what happens with that? So she or he is pushing for the marriage and they're talking, talking, talking. And then the Dead Sea doesn't want to say no.
It doesn't know how to voice their opinions or voice that something might be moving too fast. And they just end up saying okay. And they really would not in it to begin with.
And then they end up looking like the bad person. And it all started with they just could not communicate to you what they did or didn't need.
[Sid Matlock] (1:04:14 - 1:04:16)
Yeah, pretty much. There's a lot of that.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:04:18 - 1:04:18)
Ouch, ouch.
[Sid Matlock] (1:04:21 - 1:04:28)
Yeah, the more we talk about this stuff and I'll put it all out there the more I sit here and think yeah, I hope I never have, I hope I never have to get married again.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:04:29 - 1:05:02)
No, you just have to work on yourself. It's just a job. I'm sitting here thinking too like I need to talk.
And then I've literally had messages that was just like listen, I cannot talk right now. I don't want to talk right now. And then me, why, why, why, why?
I want to talk, I want to talk. I'm just like, I'm not respecting the way he needed to communicate or not communicate. I'm just only thinking about my style and what I needed at that point.
[Sid Matlock] (1:05:03 - 1:05:09)
And we're all guilty of that. So, do you view marriage as a business?
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:05:13 - 1:05:52)
So, I don't know if I would say business. I think it's like a team effort. I want somebody on my team.
I want to ride or die. I want somebody on my team. I don't necessarily want to be his rib and all of this stuff.
I want to be a dynamic duo of people. Like you go do what you do and damn, you better do a good job. And when you need me to be there and just sit there with my pom-poms and cheer you on from the corner, I got you.
But I also need a guy that's going to be able to let me be as big as I can be and have pom-poms for me as well. You know what I mean?
[Sid Matlock] (1:05:52 - 1:05:55)
Yeah, you have to be each other. You have to be each other's cheerleaders.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:05:56 - 1:07:20)
Yeah, I need a cheerleader. I don't need jealousy. Like, oh, you always doing something.
I had a relationship and that person would say, you're always doing something or you think you're better and this, that, whatever. And then I would say, my grandma told me I was better than some people. It doesn't mean that I'm a better person.
I've made better choices and I'm really confident. And so when someone's intimidated by your confidence, you either dumb yourself down. I did that for a little bit and kind of dim your own light because I have a big, big, big HID light.
My light will blind you. It's like the people that get mad with the SUV with the HID lights. I didn't manufacture this light.
This light was given to me by God and you want me to dim them? And then sometimes you want to dim them because like, oh yeah, I know that light is bright in your rear view mirror. But then I'm old enough to say to help with you, speed up, get away from me.
If you can't deal with my light, that's your problem. So I find it hard for me to navigate relationships and be asked to dim my light. So I need to be able to be bright, loud, shiny.
And then I need to be also be able to have you cheer for me the same way I would cheer for you.
[Sid Matlock] (1:07:21 - 1:08:00)
Yeah, because how many people have we seen out there? You know, they're married in a long-term relationship. This person loses track and loses sight of who they even are, and they end up conforming to this version of themselves that their spouse wants them to be.
And they do it, you know, for whatever reason, rather it's trying to appease their spouse, keep the pace. And they wake up one day and they don't even recognize theirself anymore. They don't even know who they are anymore because they have conformed to this version of themselves, you know, that their spouse wants them to be in.
It's not them. You gotta keep each other for who you are.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:08:01 - 1:10:51)
I did allow that for two years. But the relationship that I'm in now, even though it's a little weird, we've been together quite a while and we both have really, really, really bright headlights. Yeah, and then I demo from him.
He dims them for me and then that's our business. And we go from there. But I have been in a relationship where I lost track of who I was.
And here's the thing. I feel like I lost a lot during that relationship. But I also remember I'm being at home and my cousin stopped by.
So my cousins are not my same age. I think maybe we're five years apart, maybe 10. I'm not sure exactly our age difference, but I do remember this particular cousin coming to me and saying, uh, are you okay?
And I was like, yeah, I'm fine. He was like, you sure? And at that time, there was a song I believe is, it's called Miss Independent.
And he said, cousin, every time I hear that song, it was by Neil, not the Beyonce song. I remember him saying every time I hear that song, I think about my cousin. And, you know, he's just like, you, you, you, it cuz.
And he's like, but you're not that person anymore. And he was telling me that. And I remember, cause this is, this is 18, 19 years ago.
And I remember that. And he was my wake up call. And I don't even know if he knows that, that I was dimming my light, dumb up myself down to be with this person.
And people around me would see that people that knew me and the same relationship we were at a family dinner with his family and we're sitting outside at a restaurant and they're coming out with the checks, right? And I don't say this to be arrogant, but when the waitress or waiter, I don't remember man or woman, was bringing us a check. And I was like, I'm with him.
And I remember he or she saying, really? And I was like, wow. Not saying that I mean, he's attractive and distant whatever.
But it's just like, you guys don't match. Like your energies don't match. And our energies didn't match.
And in a relationship, it was a lot of you, you think you're this, you're thinking that, you're always doing this, you're always doing that because I've always been taught to do better and be your best. That's my grandmother always had me thinking that way so that my dad, that you're the best thing in the whole world, Tanika. Like, yes, I am.
And so that person kind of just took that out of me one little piece at a time. But I'm glad I woke up early to realize that. Okay.
So that's a little weird with the recording. So just tell the audience what happened. We were deep into conversation and said something and we're back.
[Sid Matlock] (1:10:52 - 1:11:02)
Yep. So yeah, for that, I apologize, but I guess the wife or the internet connection just wasn't that great in my apartment. So I was like, well, let me just run up to the shops and it literally takes me 40 seconds to get to work.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:11:03 - 1:11:41)
Oh, good. Oh, you didn't have to worry about being late. So we were just talking about, you know, you said you didn't want to, you probably won't do it again.
That'll probably just be a forever commitment. And I think we're just getting at that. Okay.
So if you decided I won't get married, but I want to be with you forever and ever, whatever that means. But I don't want the government to tell us when we have to leave. Or we can leave.
Like, I don't want you to stay here with me for the sake of, I don't want to go through a divorce. Like you're free to go. If you feel like that paper ties you to me, I don't want you.
[Sid Matlock] (1:11:43 - 1:11:43)
Exactly.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:11:44 - 1:12:11)
It sounds harsh. It does. Can you imagine being married to somebody for 10 years and finding out during the divorce that the last four years of their life was miserable.
I don't want that for the person that I love. I want to release you. Go.
Go be great. I'm sad and I'm hurt and I'll have a whole lot of sad songs that I'll sing. But no, no, kick rocks.
I won't say kick rocks. I'd be sad.
[Sid Matlock] (1:12:12 - 1:12:26)
Right. Nope. I know where you're coming from on that.
And that's me. I just, yeah, we don't need this piece of paper. If you've got to have a piece of paper from the government, to validate your relationship, like is it really that strong from the get go?
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:12:29 - 1:12:45)
But then somebody's going to say if you have to have that piece of paper before the marriage as a save your ass way to keep your money is relationship that's strong. That's going to be the other argument in the comments.
[Sid Matlock] (1:12:46 - 1:13:54)
Yep. So yeah, I definitely see both sides of it on that. But as far as and really, as far as history goes, I mean, marriage licenses, that's something that's fairly new in the long scheme of things.
I mean, I realize I think the first marriage license was issued in Massachusetts in like the 1600s. But you know, as far as human history goes, because I research anything and everything. Okay.
Yeah, I like research and stuff. So yeah. But I mean, even though that's 400 something years ago, as far as human history goes, I mean, that's still something that's fairly new.
Prior to that, when someone wanted to get married, the man and the woman, they went to the church or went wherever and got married in front of their friend's family, their community and God and made their commitment to each other. And that was it. There was no piece of paper from the government involved.
So if that's the route that two people want to go, it worked for hundreds of years, if not a couple of thousands, thousand a year. So, you know, what difference does it make?
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:13:56 - 1:13:59)
You belong to me, woman. I got the paper to prove it.
[Sid Matlock] (1:13:59 - 1:14:23)
Yeah, because like I had a I had a relative of mine say, well, you know, if you, even if they do the wedding ceremony and they're not officially married, he's like, you're still living in sin. And I'm like, how are you living in sin? I mean, you know, this worked for forever before, you know, marriage licenses came about.
I see. I don't see what difference it makes.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:14:26 - 1:14:28)
We don't have time with this one.
[Sid Matlock] (1:14:29 - 1:14:31)
Oh, yeah, absolutely. We are.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:14:32 - 1:14:51)
But it's the truth and nobody just wants to say this stuff. This is scary. It's scary to think that you, you got this shop, you're pulling in three million dollars a year and sales and revenue and everything's working well.
And, you know, you got old and crinkly and she or he have found a side piece at the local bar and they're ready to go and they're going to take half your money.
[Sid Matlock] (1:14:53 - 1:14:53)
Absolutely.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:14:55 - 1:14:59)
Feelings not matter. Yes, that's all. That's all transactional after that.
[Sid Matlock] (1:15:00 - 1:15:01)
It is just 100 percent.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:15:02 - 1:15:04)
Make sure it's transactional before that.
[Sid Matlock] (1:15:06 - 1:15:47)
Yep. Absolutely. Absolutely you should because it's 100 percent transactional at that point and more times than not.
How many business owners are there out there that, you know, they got up every day. They put in the grind. They built the business.
And just when everything's going good, they get hit with, hey, I want a divorce. And you've got that person on the other side that, you know, never worked in the business, did not help them build the business. If anything, you know, they didn't believe in their dream of their vision.
And all of a sudden, hey, you know, they're sitting there with their hand out saying, hey, I want my half that I'm entitled to. Okay, well, you know, give me half of your 401k.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:15:48 - 1:16:31)
Well, what they're going to say is well, I kept the house and I fed you and I kept your clothes washed and I did all of this home work that you don't, there's not a value to that. So that's going to be another argument in the comments. Again, I ain't married, so I don't know.
But whoa. Whoa. Ouch.
So yeah, she was home with the kids, drop off, grocery store, laundry, this, that, whatever. There's no paycheck for that part. But is it worth 50% of what you've done?
I'm not here to, I'm just putting it out there.
[Sid Matlock] (1:16:31 - 1:17:21)
You know, I guess that one's, you know, that one is definitely probably open, you know, that one's debatable, you know, on what's fair. Now, let's just say for example, you know, the husband on the business, the wife was a stay-at-home wife and I'm trying to be pragmatic about this. She's a stay-at-home wife.
He's paid for everything. She hadn't worked, you know, since the kids were born. Yes, there is probably some, and, you know, probably some level of, you know, entitlement to part of that.
But if you're married to someone who gets up, you know, they go to work every day, they have a means of supporting their self and they've never contributed to it, in my opinion, no.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:17:23 - 1:17:29)
And that's why the government's involved because your opinion doesn't matter only what the people at the courthouse is.
[Sid Matlock] (1:17:29 - 1:17:29)
Yep.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:17:30 - 1:17:31)
And really, it comes down to everything.
[Sid Matlock] (1:17:32 - 1:17:53)
Yep. And really, it comes down, another thing I learned, it comes down to, you know, there's really two factors at hand in divorce. You know, you've got kids, you've got assets.
A whole bunch of the other stuff is just noise. You know, when you get to court, they're not, is North Carolina a no-fault state?
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:17:55 - 1:17:56)
I think so, yeah.
[Sid Matlock] (1:17:57 - 1:17:59)
Okay. Tennessee is a no-fault state.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:18:00 - 1:18:01)
Yeah, you can just leave.
[Sid Matlock] (1:18:01 - 1:19:02)
So yeah, when it, yeah, so when it comes down to it and you get to court, I mean, they don't care about your story and how you got there as much as you do. You're the only one that cares about that. They don't care.
You know, they're just looking at, you know, they're looking at the law and they're looking at, you know, the kids, the custody, the whole nine yards and the assets. That's it. You know, they could care less.
Yeah, I'm sure, unless there's like, you know, physical abuse involved or, you know, somebody's truly a danger or something like that, all the other stuff, they don't care about that stuff. You know, they don't. Yeah, it comes down to the kids and assets.
That's it. I get, and I jokingly say, if you have kids and no assets, it comes down to the kids. If you have assets and no kids, it comes down to the assets.
That's all it really comes down to.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:19:05 - 1:19:05)
Tug of war.
[Sid Matlock] (1:19:06 - 1:19:57)
Yeah, 100%. It's a tug of war and I was going to say this earlier, but I got sidetracked by something else. You wake up one day, your spouse says, I want a divorce.
You're in shock. You don't really know what to do. You end up, you pick you out an attorney, you go meet with this attorney.
You're sitting in the waiting room or the lobby or whatever, with whatever they ask you to bring, waiting on your appointment time, which is about like sitting in a doctor's office. You're just sitting there playing the waiting game and there's people, they're sitting there wondering and they're asking their self, how did I get here? Why am I here?
And meanwhile, you've got statistics standing in the corner saying, hey buddy, I've been here the whole time. You know, 50% divorce rate. It's nice to finally meet you.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:19:58 - 1:20:00)
And it's really 50%.
[Sid Matlock] (1:20:00 - 1:21:08)
Yes, the divorce rate in this country is 50. Yeah, it's 50%. Yeah, so pretty much half of all marriages are going to end in divorce.
Second marriages, that number jumps up to 70%. Yeah, so think about that one for a second. It's one of those things, you know, again, nobody wants to talk about it, but you're voluntarily entering into this knowing the statistics or maybe most people don't know the statistics or maybe if they do know the statistics, maybe, you know, that just goes out the window because, you know, all your friends and family are there and there's cake and a romantic soundtrack and maybe the statistics just don't matter anymore.
One of my other favorite, yep, because you love this person and one of my other favorite ones, it'll never happen to me. Yeah, people think, you know, they see it happen every day, but they think it will never happen to me.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:21:08 - 1:21:10)
It'll never happen to us.
[Sid Matlock] (1:21:10 - 1:21:21)
Yep, nope, we are different. You know, people go through changes in life. I don't know how old you are.
I'm 42 years old.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:21:21 - 1:21:25)
Well, you know, 50, 49.75 years old.
[Sid Matlock] (1:21:26 - 1:22:10)
Well, in the long scheme of things, we're not that far apart. So, you know, you're not going to be the same person at, you know, 30 that you were at 20. You're not going to be the same person, you know, at 40 that you were at 30.
You know, people go through seasons in life, you know, changes, especially as we get older. So yeah, a lot of times, you know, the person you married neither one of you are going to be the same person 10 years down the road, 20 years down the road. It's going to run in different cycles.
And of course, you know, there's couples out there that, you know, truly love each other. And they're like, hey, we're going to be there for each other every season of, you know, through every season of life. For your average people out there, it just ends up not working out that way.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:22:10 - 1:22:39)
Well, I think the people that can do that, that can roll with the punches and roll with the changes, have been working at it, working at it constantly, just like we have to work at our businesses constantly. They have to continue to work on it and don't take the good times, don't take advantage of those good times. Oh, we're fine.
It's like, no, let's, let's have that date night. Let's have this communication. Let's go ahead and have this fight and get it all over with.
So I think that's just constant work for the people that can survive it.
[Sid Matlock] (1:22:40 - 1:22:58)
Most definitely. And I guess like for me, one reason I have no desire to be in a relationship right now or be married, like, you know, I've got goals and things I want to achieve. And now I've got this extra time on my hands that I can devote to my business and be uninterrupted, undistracted.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:23:01 - 1:23:06)
But it sounds so lonely when you say it. It's well, not lonely. It sounds so harsh when you say that.
[Sid Matlock] (1:23:06 - 1:23:07)
It does.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:23:10 - 1:23:13)
But it is what it is though, huh?
[Sid Matlock] (1:23:14 - 1:23:25)
But yeah, I mean, but yeah, you're a business owner. So yeah, I'm sure you can, you know, relate to some of that. It's like I'm not letting anybody come between, you know, myself and my business.
I'm just not.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:23:30 - 1:23:30)
That's fair.
[Sid Matlock] (1:23:31 - 1:24:19)
So yeah, you know, on down the road. Yeah, I might get into another relationship. I've really since my divorce, I've only had, I've had one relationship since my divorce.
A whole bunch of other encounters that, you know, we're not relationships. But as far as actual relationships, I've had one and like I said, and I have nothing bad to say about her. She is a wonderful person.
You know, and I hope she finds everything, you know, that she's looking for in this life because she's truly a wonderful person. You know, timing was terrible. Yeah, again, one of those things I won't go into detail about.
But you know, I realize I don't, I don't have the time to commit to a relationship right now. I don't.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:24:22 - 1:24:39)
That makes sense. As long as you're fair and say that. That's, that's the good part.
As long as you're fair and you say, you know what? I just can't instead of stringing somebody along. That all makes sense.
Like you said, I'm a business person too. So like sometimes you just, I just can't. I just can't and I won't.
[Sid Matlock] (1:24:41 - 1:25:34)
Yes, same because. And how many times, which I know you run a really good really, you know, really organized operation. But how many times have you had something, you know, that didn't go right throughout the course of the day?
You're getting towards the end of the day, something happens and you're like, I'm going to be here late. I'm not going to get out of here on time. And people are not always understanding of that.
Just in, you know, no one person in particular, but just people in general, they're not always understanding that, you know. No woman wants to get the phone call from, you know, her boyfriend, husband, or whatever where you're like, hey, I know we had dinner plans tonight, you know, to celebrate this, but I'm going to be stuck at work for another two hours. I'm not going to be able to get out of here today.
Can we do this another day?
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:25:35 - 1:27:00)
Well, yeah, can we do this another day and she should be able to understand that, but also with a healthy marriage or a healthy relationship. She's at home, she's got kids. I'm pushing back on you a little bit and something happens at the shop.
You have to learn how to navigate that and make sure you're saying yes to the proper things and no to the proper things. You should know when, like, you know what, I cannot disappoint her one more time. I cannot miss this kid's game one more time and then, you know, you're going to have to close.
Like, I believe in late nights. I went to work, I don't open on Fridays. I went to work yesterday.
I do work on Saturday and Sunday, but I'm just, I wanted to say that for the person that might use what you said as an excuse to be a bad boyfriend or girlfriend or bad mom or dad. Like, there's going to be a point that you're going to have to say, you know what, this crap just hit the fan. This car is not done.
This customer's pissed off. I'm going to stay late and fix it. Or do you say, it is what it is.
That kid has, it's his final game today. I am not going to be late. Or it's his first game.
I'm not going to be late. Or I've told her three times, I'm not going to do it again to her tonight. I'm going to sacrifice this and I'll finish it tomorrow.
You know what I mean?
[Sid Matlock] (1:27:01 - 1:27:05)
Yes. And I think sometimes, you know, it's a, you know, case by case basis.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:27:06 - 1:27:37)
Right. So I just wanted to say that to not make an excuse for the man or the woman that does it all the time. You can't sacrifice relationships, meaning, you know, man and woman, husband, wife, dad and daughter, mommy and son.
Sometimes you just have to say, you know what? I know this is a business and I know I've got to make this money. But there is, sometimes you have to clock out.
[Sid Matlock] (1:27:38 - 1:28:34)
Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely.
That's why I say, you know, case by case basis. And yes, you know, like I said, if you're both on the same page about everything, that person is probably going to be, you know, understanding of it. But if things are already rocky, it's not, it is not going to go over well.
You know, I had a car, I don't know, it's probably a week, week or so ago. You know, a part didn't come in. I was supposed to have it done that afternoon.
Part ended up getting here late. Well, I'd already called the customer. You know, told them what was going on.
They're like, oh, that's fine. You know, we can get it tomorrow. Whenever it is not a big deal.
But then, you know, if you've got the person that has, you know, maybe a work truck or something that they've got to be on the road in the morning, a little bit different ordeal. Yeah.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:28:35 - 1:28:46)
Yeah, I opened up yesterday for a customer who had to get to D.C. yesterday, and they needed that headlight and not, I made it happen. And I have no problem with that whatsoever. So yeah, case by case basis.
[Sid Matlock] (1:28:46 - 1:29:00)
Yes, 100% yeah, 100% case by case basis. You got to know when to turn it off. And sometimes you just have to turn it off and say, hey, no, this didn't get done today.
But you know what? It'll be sitting here tomorrow. I've got to go.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:29:00 - 1:29:01)
It'll be tomorrow.
[Sid Matlock] (1:29:04 - 1:29:08)
Hey, as long as everybody's on the same page, it's all good. Shouldn't be an issue.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:29:10 - 1:29:25)
But staying on the same page requires a lot of good communication from the beginning to the end from the very beginning. So you start that shop. It says get a prenup.
I'm not going to tell you that. I'm not going to start that fight, but it makes sense.
[Sid Matlock] (1:29:26 - 1:29:32)
Yep. Still 100% says to get a prenup or actually said says just don't get married in the first place. Then you don't have to worry about it all.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:29:33 - 1:29:48)
But if you decide to marry the love of your life, we'll focus on communication, communication, communication, negotiations, all the Asians. Do the Asians. Counseling.
I like that.
[Sid Matlock] (1:29:49 - 1:29:49)
Yeah.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:29:49 - 1:29:50)
Don't let it get too far.
[Sid Matlock] (1:29:51 - 1:30:38)
Yeah. All the Asians. And oh, yeah.
And the counseling thing, that could probably be a subject for a different day. I mean, I've been to marriage counseling before. Yeah.
And I guess if somebody finds a good marriage counselor, that's fine. I know couples that have had success out of it. But I feel like marriage coaching is way more effective than marriage counseling.
You go to a marriage counselor's office, you're both pissed off when you go in there. Your first session's generally like an hour or whatever. The two of you get just enough unpacked in an hour that you both leave there more pissed off than when you got there.
And then they're like, hey, we'll see you again in a week.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:30:40 - 1:30:48)
I got to go live with this for another week. Yeah, I got to go. But like you said, marriage coaching was a completely different experience.
[Sid Matlock] (1:30:48 - 1:31:16)
Yeah, a whole different ball game because they kind of take you, it's just like a business coaching. They kind of take you from you, hey, here's where we are right now. Here's where we want to go.
And they give you the tools and resources to get there. And if you do something like, you know, I told you I went to a four-day intensive marriage workshop. There's no escaping that.
You know, I mean, you can walk out the door and leave at any time. But you know, that's pretty much you're working on this for four days nonstop.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:31:16 - 1:31:18)
And if you show up, you're committed.
[Sid Matlock] (1:31:18 - 1:31:52)
Yeah, if you show up, you're committed. You can get a lot unpacked. You can get a lot accomplished there.
And, you know, plus generally, you know, with marriage coaching, you know, there's organizations out there where you have like an actual husband and wife team. So you're getting both perspectives. You're getting the male perspective.
You're getting the female perspective because like with marriage counseling, more times than not, you know, it's just one person in there, whether it be a man or a woman. And one person is going to leave they're feeling like they weren't heard.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:31:53 - 1:31:55)
Yeah, I can see that.
[Sid Matlock] (1:31:55 - 1:32:37)
Yeah. One person is going to feel like they're not heard. You know, where if you have a husband and wife team that, you know, coaching, you're getting both perspectives and you both have a chance there, you know, to feel heard versus, you know, walking into a counselor's office and you're walking out thinking, oh, gosh, I feel like he or she, you know, took my wife's side on this.
And she's thinking, I feel like he or she took my husband's side on everything. And you're kind of, you're right back to square one. And it pretty much feels like you're kicking a fucking can down the road at that point.
You know, like we're not going anywhere.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:32:38 - 1:32:42)
So we need a prenup coaching for business and marriages.
[Sid Matlock] (1:32:42 - 1:32:43)
Yes.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:32:43 - 1:32:48)
And when the shit hits the fan, just let it hit it and just get it over with.
[Sid Matlock] (1:32:48 - 1:32:52)
Yep, let it get over with. Exactly, exactly.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:32:55 - 1:33:00)
Oh, man, this is going to be something else in the comments, but hopefully help somebody who though.
[Sid Matlock] (1:33:00 - 1:33:27)
Hey, and again, I hope it does help somebody because there's people out there, you know, that are suffering and silence with this every day. Nobody ever wants to talk about it. So somebody needs to.
And if I get some hate for talking about it, so be it. Because you've helped somebody. Yeah, because it'll help somebody.
And, you know, any and I'll say this, you know, anybody that's listening to this, you know, that might be going through something similar. They're free to reach out to me.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:33:30 - 1:33:44)
Alrighty, you heard it here, folks. Again, not married, not a marriage counselor, not a lawyer, not an accountant. I can't even keep my own household together.
We just giving the information to the people to help the people.
[Sid Matlock] (1:33:44 - 1:33:45)
That's it.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:33:45 - 1:34:17)
That's it. We're downshifting. Hopefully that information was able to help someone and like Sid said, find him on Face Space.
Sid Matlock. And hit a brother up. This is all about communities, about helping each other.
And like you said, just speak up, be heard. You need an ear. Sid's got your ear.
I'll listen to you. But again, I'm not married. Never been.
So I don't know how much help I can be. But she likes to listen. So it's so good having you on here with me today, Sid.
[Sid Matlock] (1:34:18 - 1:34:18)
Yeah.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:34:18 - 1:34:21)
And when I got the emails like, oh, I don't know. I just don't go over.
[Sid Matlock] (1:34:21 - 1:34:48)
Thank you for the opportunity. And one last thing, I'd tell somebody going through it, there's going to be unexpected twists and turns because your spouse is out there talking to an attorney. You don't know what they're talking about.
You don't know if you're about to have to hire a forensic accountant to the tune of several thousands of dollars. You don't know what necessarily what is coming your way.
[Zeb Beard] (1:34:48 - 1:34:49)
Mm hmm.
[Sid Matlock] (1:34:51 - 1:34:55)
Because there's going to be unexpected twists and turns, you know, the whole way throughout it.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:34:56 - 1:34:59)
Just hold on to the rollercoaster and ride the rollercoaster dogs.
[Sid Matlock] (1:35:00 - 1:35:04)
Yep, that is it. There could probably almost be a part two to this one one day.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:35:05 - 1:35:09)
We have to think about it. Let's see what happens in the comment. We might have to come back to this.
Are you coming to ASTA by any chance?
[Sid Matlock] (1:35:10 - 1:35:12)
That is next month, correct?
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:35:12 - 1:35:14)
Yep. September 24th to 26th.
[Sid Matlock] (1:35:15 - 1:35:18)
Yep. Yeah, I am not.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:35:19 - 1:35:19)
Oh, man.
[Sid Matlock] (1:35:20 - 1:35:32)
I should probably just make time. And yeah, I should probably just make time and break loose and go for it. What day is the 24th and 25th on?
It's Thursday through Saturday. Thursday through Saturday. Let me look at my calendar.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:35:33 - 1:35:37)
Right on down from Tennessee. Hit 40. 40 to 95 or whatever it is.
[Sid Matlock] (1:35:37 - 1:35:51)
Yeah, because I went back. It's been a few years ago since I've been, but yeah. It I think that was back in maybe September of 2021 was the last time that the first and only time that I went.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:35:51 - 1:35:59)
Gotta have you back in a place, man. Gotta get you back in a place. All right.
Well, I am. All right.
[Sid Matlock] (1:35:59 - 1:35:59)
Well, hey.
[Tonnika Haynes] (1:36:00 - 1:36:34)
Downshift with Tanika is where we slow down long enough to have real conversations hosted by myself. Second generation shop owner Tanika Haines. This goes beyond your car count.
Your KPIs. We want to talk about leadership, legacy, mindset, and the messy, beautiful journey of building something that lasts. You will hear stories from shop owners, technicians, and other industry leaders who are freeing it all out by themselves in real time.
This is a space for growth, tough love, laughter, and leveling up.