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Recovery Rocks with Kelly is a podcast about motherhood, family, and navigating everyday life in sobriety. Kelly shares the real ups and downs of being a mom in recovery—from raising kids and managing relationships to taking care of yourself while taking care of everyone else. With honest stories, real-life experiences, and occasional guests, it’s about motherhood, recovery, healing, and building a recovery that rocks.
(0:22) Hey friend, welcome back to Recovery Rocks with Kelly. (0:26) I am Kelly and I'm so glad you are here today. (0:29) Okay, ladies, grab your cup of coffee, get comfortable and let's have a conversation.
(0:34) Because today we are going to be talking about something that I think is one of the most (0:38) important parts of recovery and it's something we don't always talk about enough. (0:44) Emotional sobriety. (0:46) Now you might be thinking, what in the world is emotional sobriety? (0:51) I thought getting sober meant putting down the alcohol.
(0:54) Well, yes, but here's something I've been learning. (0:58) Just because I stopped drinking doesn't mean I automatically learn how to handle my emotions. (1:04) Wouldn't that be wonderful? (1:05) You put down the alcohol, you wake up the next morning and suddenly you're calm, (1:10) peaceful, patient, confident and nothing bothers you anymore.
(1:14) Yes, that would be nice, but this is reality. (1:17) We do not have life like that, do we people? (1:21) People disappoint us, our kids push our buttons, we do get overwhelmed, we still have bad days (1:26) and sometimes somebody says one little thing and suddenly we're upset for the next three hours. (1:33) Anybody relate? (1:35) I certainly can.
(1:36) And that's why today we're going to be talking about the difference between (1:40) emotional sobriety and emotional reactivity. (1:45) Because I believe putting down alcohol is the beginning of recovery, (1:49) but learning how to live with our emotions, that's where some of the real growth happens. (1:57) So let's dive into emotional sobriety.
(2:01) To me, emotional sobriety means learning how to experience my feelings without letting those (2:06) feelings run my entire life. (2:08) It means I can get angry without saying something hurtful, (2:12) or be disappointed without falling apart, be anxious without needing to control everything, (2:19) be sad without feeling like I have to immediately fix it. (2:23) I can have a bad day without turning it into a bad life.
(2:27) Now, does that mean I'm going to do all of those things perfectly? (2:32) Absolutely not. (2:34) I'm human. (2:35) I'm going to get frustrated.
(2:37) I'm going to have moments when I react instead of respond. (2:41) I'm going to have to have those days when my emotions feel bigger than I know what to do with (2:46) them. (2:47) But here's the difference.
(2:49) Emotional sobriety isn't about never having emotions. (2:52) It's about learning what to do with them. (2:56) And I think there's such an important distinction because sometimes in recovery, (3:00) we put pressure on ourselves to always be okay.
(3:04) We think, well, I'm sober now. (3:05) I should be happy. (3:07) Or I've been working on myself.
(3:09) Why am I still getting upset? (3:11) Or I should be further along than this. (3:14) But friend, recovery doesn't mean we stop being human. (3:18) It means we start learning how to be human without using alcohol to escape that experience.
(3:23) And that takes practice. (3:27) A lot of practice. (3:31) Let's dive into emotional reactivity.
(3:35) This is when something happens. (3:37) We have a strong emotional reaction and we respond before we really have a chance to (3:43) think. (3:44) Somebody says something we don't like, boom, we get defensive.
(3:50) Somebody doesn't return a call. (3:52) We want to start wondering, hmm, what did we do wrong? (3:57) Okay, our kids aren't listening to us. (3:59) We raise our voice.
(4:01) Somebody criticizes us. (4:03) We take it personally. (4:05) Somebody seems upset with us.
(4:07) We immediately feel responsible for making everything okay. (4:12) And before we know it, our emotions are making our decisions for us. (4:17) Have you ever sent a text message when you're angry? (4:20) Hmm, and then five minutes later you thought, oh boy, maybe I should have waited on that (4:25) one.
(4:26) Or have you ever had a conversation in your head with somebody who isn't even there? (4:31) You're arguing. (4:32) You're defending yourself. (4:34) You're coming up with things you shouldn't have said.
(4:37) And the other person's probably sitting home watching TV. (4:39) And you're having an idea with having this entire conversation in your head. (4:44) And they're not even there.
(4:46) To me, that's you're allowing somebody to rent space in your head. (4:50) And you're just worrying about it. (4:52) I've learned that sometimes the biggest arguments happen inside our own minds.
(4:58) And here's something important. (4:59) Being emotional reactive doesn't mean you're a bad person. (5:03) It doesn't mean you're failing in recovery either.
(5:07) It means something inside you has been active. (5:10) And you may need to take a moment to understand what's happening. (5:14) The goal isn't to shame ourselves for reacting.
(5:17) The goal is to become aware of it. (5:19) Because awareness gives us a chance to make a different choice. (5:25) For most of my life, I didn't know there was a difference.
(5:29) I thought whatever I reacted was just justified. (5:33) If I was hurt, I was defended. (5:36) If I was scared, I shut down.
(5:38) If I felt overwhelmed, I ran. (5:41) If I felt shame, I hid. (5:43) My emotions were in the driver's seat.
(5:46) And I was just gripping the wheel. (5:49) Recovery taught me something I never knew before. (5:52) Feeling something and reacting to it are not the same thing.
(5:58) Emotional reactivity is fast. (6:01) It's impulsive. (6:02) It's survival mode.
(6:04) It's the old wiring saying, protect yourself at all costs. (6:09) Emotional sobriety is slow. (6:12) It's spacious.
(6:13) It's grounded. (6:14) It's the pause where I ask, what actually is going on inside me right now? (6:21) Emotional reactivity is about control. (6:23) Emotional sobriety is about clarity.
(6:26) When I'm in emotional reactivity, I'm trying to change the outside world (6:31) so I don't have to feel what's happening inside me. (6:34) When I'm in emotional sobriety, I'm willing to feel what's happening inside me (6:39) so I don't have to control the outside world. (6:42) For me, emotional sobriety looks like pause before the responding.
(6:48) Actually naming what I'm actually feeling. (6:52) Letting God into the moment. (6:55) Emotional reactivity says, fix this now.
(6:58) Emotional sobriety says, feel this now. (7:02) And my friend, the truth is emotional sobriety doesn't always feel good. (7:07) Sometimes it feels like standing unarmed in the middle of a storm.
(7:12) Sometimes it feels like letting go of the last word. (7:16) But emotional sobriety is where I grew. (7:19) I stayed aligned and connected to God.
(7:22) And today, emotional sobriety isn't calm all the time. (7:26) It's about being conscious, present, and being willing to feel instead of react. (7:33) And my friend, you know, when I drank, alcohol used to be my escape.
(7:37) And that's where my emotional sobriety got personal for me. (7:41) When I think about my drinking, I can see how alcohol became connected to my emotions. (7:47) Because sometimes I didn't want to deal with what I was feeling.
(7:51) Or I wanted to use it to relax, stop worrying, quiet everything inside my head. (7:57) And as I shared before, people pleasing played a big role in my drinking. (8:02) I spent so much time worrying about everybody else.
(8:06) Were they happy, upset? (8:08) Did I disappoint somebody? (8:09) And I didn't always stop asking myself, (8:14) Kelly, what are you feeling right now? (8:19) That's something I had to learn in recovery. (8:21) Because when alcohol is no longer there to numb those feelings, guess what? (8:25) Those feelings are still there. (8:28) Anger's there.
(8:29) Frustration, fear, sadness, insecurity, disappointment. (8:33) And suddenly we have to learn how to deal with them. (8:36) And that's why I believe emotional sobriety is such a big part of last year.
(8:40) It's not just enough for me to stop drinking. (8:43) I also want to understand why I felt the need to escape in the first place. (8:49) I want to recognize my emotions.
(8:51) I want to understand my triggers. (8:53) And I want to learn how to respond in ways that support women (8:57) that I'm becoming and other women out there for you guys to understand. (9:02) Because I don't want your emotions to control you.
(9:07) You have to understand that when you drink, you cover it up. (9:12) But when you don't drink, your emotions come out. (9:16) So we have to learn how to work them out through.
(9:20) OK, moms, this section's for you. (9:23) Because if there's anybody who knows how quickly emotions can change, it's a mom. (9:29) And I'm a mom too.
(9:31) And motherhood is wonderful. (9:32) But you can wake up in a wonderful mood. (9:35) You can have your cup of coffee.
(9:36) And you'd be feeling great. (9:38) And today's going good. (9:39) And then all of a sudden, you know, the kitchen's a mess.
(9:42) And laundry's piling up. (9:43) And you've got appointments, responsibilities. (9:45) And the day gets crazy, you know.
(9:49) And sometimes we react to our kids because we're already carrying so much stress. (9:54) It's not necessary about the dishes, the mess, or anything going on in the house. (10:00) Sometimes we just feel unappreciative or feel overwhelmed.
(10:04) I'm feeling like nobody notices anything that you're doing. (10:08) And that one little thing happens, and it becomes the final straw. (10:12) I think that's where emotion sobriety can help us.
(10:15) Instead of immediately reacting, we can begin asking ourselves, (10:20) what am I actually upset about? (10:22) You know, am I really angry over the dishes, the messy house, the laundry? (10:28) You know, or because I've been saying yes to everybody and ignoring my own needs? (10:33) Those are very different things. (10:36) And understanding the difference can change how we respond to people, you know, and our kids. (10:42) Because our kids don't need perfect moms.
(10:45) They need moms who are willing to learn, grow, and take responsibility (10:49) when they get something wrong. (10:52) And sometimes that means just saying, hey, I was frustrated early. (10:56) And I shouldn't have spoken to you in that way.
(10:58) And I'm so sorry. (11:00) That's not weakness. (11:01) That's showing our children what emotional responsibility looks like.
(11:05) And I think that's a beautiful lesson we can teach them. (11:09) And I mentioned before about the pause, because the pause can change everything. (11:14) And you don't have to react immediately.
(11:17) You can pause. (11:19) Now, that does sound simple. (11:21) But when you're upset, it can be hard.
(11:24) Because sometimes we want to defend ourselves right away. (11:27) We want to explain. (11:28) We want to make sure that they're understood.
(11:32) We want to fix the situation right away. (11:35) But not every situation requires immediate response. (11:39) Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is just stop.
(11:44) Take a breath and give ourselves a little space. (11:48) I've been thinking about how much can change just in a few seconds. (11:52) Somebody says something that hurts our feelings.
(11:55) My first instinct might be to get defensive. (11:57) But instead, I can pause and ask, why did it bother me anyway? (12:03) Is this something I need to address? (12:08) Will I, about to say, make the situation better? (12:14) And sometimes I might realize I don't need to respond right now. (12:19) I can say, I need a little time to think about that.
(12:24) Or even, can we talk about this later? (12:27) Friend, that's emotional growth. (12:30) Not because we're avoiding the conversation. (12:33) But because we're giving ourselves that chance to have a healthier one.
(12:37) And I think that matters in recovery. (12:40) Because feeling can be real without needing to become immediate reaction. (12:47) Another thing I wanted to talk about in this episode was about people pleasing.
(12:53) Because when you are a people pleaser, (12:55) your emotional reactions don't always look like anger. (12:58) Sometimes they look like anxiety or overthinking. (13:03) Sometimes they look like apologizing when you haven't even done anything wrong.
(13:09) I know what it's like to care too much about what other people think. (13:13) And recovery has been teaching me something important. (13:16) Somebody else's disappointment doesn't automatically mean I've done something wrong.
(13:22) Think about that. (13:23) Because if you're used to keeping everybody happy, (13:27) that can be a difficult lesson. (13:30) You set a boundary, somebody doesn't like it.
(13:33) Immediately you feel guilty. (13:34) You say no, somebody's disappointed. (13:36) Immediately you want to change the answer.
(13:39) You speak up for yourself, somebody disagrees. (13:44) Sometimes you disagree and immediately you wonder if you should have just stayed quiet. (13:49) That's emotional reactivity too.
(13:53) We're reacting to somebody else's feeling instead of staying connected to our own values. (13:59) And here's what I'm learning. (14:01) I can be kind without saying yes to everything.
(14:04) I can care about people without taking responsibility for their emotions. (14:09) And I can listen to somebody's disappointment without immediately trying to fix it. (14:14) And I can love people without abandoning myself.
(14:16) That's emotional sobriety. (14:18) It's learning that I don't have to let somebody else's mood determine my own feelings. (14:22) Now, am I perfect at this? (14:24) No, but I'm learning.
(14:27) And sometimes progress looks like noticing that I'm about to be a people pleaser (14:32) and choosing something different. (14:35) My friend, I want to make something really clear. (14:37) When I say emotional sobriety, I'm not talking about pretending everything is okay.
(14:42) I'm not talking about smiling when you're hurting (14:45) or keeping your mouth shut just to avoid conflict. (14:49) I am definitely not talking about ignoring your emotions. (14:52) Because that's not healing.
(14:53) That's hiding. (14:55) And for some of us, hiding our feelings was part of what would let us stop drinking alcohol (14:59) in the first place. (15:01) So I don't want you to replace drinking with another way of avoiding what you feel.
(15:06) I want you to learn how to feel your feelings in a healthy way. (15:12) If I'm angry, I can acknowledge that. (15:14) Even if I'm sad, I can cry.
(15:17) If I'm hurt, I can talk about it. (15:19) If I need space, I can take space. (15:22) And if something needs to be addressed, I can address it.
(15:25) But I don't have to explode or I don't have to attack. (15:30) And I don't have to make decisions while I'm overwhelmed. (15:35) Emotional sobriety is not emotional silence.
(15:39) Again, I'll say that. (15:41) Emotional sobriety is not emotional silence. (15:46) It's emotional honesty with responsibility.
(15:50) And that's a big difference. (15:52) I know earlier I talked about triggers. (15:55) Because this is something we hear about all the time in recovery.
(15:59) A trigger can be a situation. (16:01) It could be a memory, emotion, a person, or experience that brings up a strong response. (16:08) And sometimes triggers can surprise us.
(16:13) Maybe you feel ignored, tired, lonely. (16:16) Maybe you feel like you're not enough. (16:17) And suddenly you have a much bigger emotional response than you expected.
(16:23) And that's where I think we need to get curious. (16:25) Instead of saying, why am I acting like this? (16:28) Maybe ask, what is this bringing up for me? (16:33) Maybe I'm reacting to something deeper. (16:35) Now, we don't always figure that out immediately.
(16:38) And sometimes we need support from a community group, a counselor, a sponsor, a trusted friend, (16:44) or somebody who understands recovery. (16:46) And that's okay. (16:47) We aren't supposed to figure everything out alone.
(16:49) The important thing is become willing to understand ourselves. (16:53) Because the more I understand my triggers, the more choices I have in how I respond to things. (17:01) Now, you know, faith is a very, very important part of my recovery.
(17:04) And I think God has placed in a conversation with this too. (17:08) Because sometimes when my emotions are running high, the best thing I can do is stop and pray. (17:14) And not like a perfect prayer, but just God help me slow down.
(17:18) God help me understand this feeling. (17:19) God give me patience. (17:22) I think surrender and emotional sobriety go hand in hand.
(17:25) Because so much emotional reactivity comes from wanting to control things. (17:31) We want people to behave differently. (17:33) We want situations to go our way.
(17:35) We want everybody to understand us. (17:39) But recovery is teaching me that I can't control everything. (17:43) I can control my choices.
(17:45) I can take responsibility for my words. (17:48) And I can set up boundaries. (17:49) I can ask for help.
(17:50) I can choose how I respond. (17:52) But I cannot control another person's thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. (17:57) And sometimes I have to give it over to God.
(17:59) I have to say, God, this is bigger than what I can control today. (18:03) Help me do my part and trust you for the rest. (18:07) That doesn't mean I have to sit back and do nothing.
(18:10) It means I stop trying to carry what is mine. (18:14) And for somebody who has struggled with people pleasing, that is a big part of my healing. (18:19) So friend, as we wrap up today's episode, I want to leave you with something.
(18:24) When I first started thinking about recovery, I thought so much of it was about alcohol, (18:29) not picking up that drink, making it through another day, and staying sober. (18:33) And of course, that is important. (18:35) But today I'm realizing that recovery is also about the woman I'm becoming, (18:39) how to speak for myself, how to treat people, how to handle disappointment, (18:44) how to respond when things don't go my way.
(18:48) Setting up those boundaries, asking for help, (18:51) and dealing with my feelings that once wanted me to escape. (18:55) That's emotional sobriety. (18:57) Not being happy every minute, not pretending nothing bothers me, (19:02) not becoming some perfect peaceful woman who never loses her patience, (19:07) but becoming a woman who can say, I have feelings, (19:10) but I don't have to let those feelings make every decision for me.
(19:14) And if I react instead of respond, I can recognize it. (19:19) I can learn from it. (19:21) I can apologize if I need to.
(19:23) And I can try again. (19:26) Because recovery is about progress, not perfection. (19:30) So to the woman listening today, maybe you're feeling overwhelmed.
(19:33) Maybe you're struggling with your emotions. (19:35) Maybe your mom who has been caring too much. (19:38) Maybe you're a people pleaser who's finally learning how to say no.
(19:41) Or maybe you're simply trying to become a healthy version of yourself. (19:45) I want you to say something. (19:47) You are allowed to feel everything without acting on everything.
(19:52) You are allowed to pause. (19:54) You're allowed to protect your peace. (19:56) You're allowed to grow on your own pace.
(19:59) Because sometimes the biggest victories in recovery (20:03) aren't the things everybody notices. (20:06) Sometimes the victory is the argument you didn't start. (20:10) The angry text you didn't send.
(20:13) The boundary you finally kept. (20:15) The moment you asked for help. (20:17) The time you choose to pray instead of panic.
(20:21) Or the day you realize that somebody else's mood didn't have to ruin yours. (20:26) Those are victories too. (20:28) And they matter.
(20:30) I'm Kelly and this is Recovery Rocks with Kelly. (20:33) Thank you for spending this time with me. (20:35) Thank you for being part of this journey.
(20:37) And remember friend, getting sober changed what I put into my body. (20:44) Emotional sobriety is changing how I live my life. (20:48) Keep learning.
(20:49) Keep growing. (20:51) Keep giving yourself grace. (20:52) Keep choosing recovery.
(20:54) And most importantly, keep rocking your recovery. (20:57) Because recovery rocks. (20:59) I'll talk to you next time friend.