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Our mentees have relational needs that God has designed them with. In order to meet them, we must understand what they are, and what God expects of us as mentors in meeting them. In this series we are unpacking what we call the Three As, the top three relational needs of kids from hard places. This episode unpacks the relational need of acceptance.
Show Notes
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WELCOME
You Can Mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others.
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SHOW NOTES
- Acceptance – Speaks to Identity - “I love you for you, not what you do”
- Why do Kids join gangs? for acceptance
- Worldly acceptance is something you earn. Godly acceptance is something you receive.
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others. You can mentor.
Speaker 2:Welcome back to the You Can Mentor podcast. We're excited to finish up our series titled relationships change lives where we've been unpacking the 3 a's, a mentee's greatest relational needs. And so today, we are gonna unpack the relational need of acceptance. I have Caroline Cash and Zachary Garza senior in the room with me. How are you guys doing today?
Speaker 1:Great.
Speaker 3:Oh, I'm splendid.
Speaker 1:We are actually recording this episode on Zach's birthday.
Speaker 3:My day of birth.
Speaker 2:Amazing. Yay. Today's episode, we're going to talk about definitions as well as practical ways for mentors to meet this need of acceptance in the life of the kid they're mentoring. You you can think of acceptance as this is what tells a kid that they belong. God's design is for a child's need for acceptance to be met through their family, to be loved, cared for, provided for without having to earn it, even just to to be forgiven, reconciled when they do something wrong, to be disciplined in love, and not not just because we want something from them, but because we want something for them.
Speaker 2:And acceptance is huge for kids to understand that they belong, they're loved and cared for not because of what they do, but because of who they are. Because of sin, no family will ever perfectly communicate acceptance to their children. We all fail in this area. And so when it comes to these relational needs, these these aren't just for kids from hard places. We all have these needs, and they all go unmet but in different ways.
Speaker 2:And I think kids from hard places, they have a lot more opportunities for these needs to go unmet. Today, we wanna talk about how mentors can grow in meeting the need of acceptance in order to help their mentee grow into who God has made them to be. I'd love, Zach, if you could just share more about the importance of acceptance in a mentor relationship.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So so the need for acceptance speaks straight into a child or a person's identity. Right? Yes. The definition is the action or process of being received is adequate.
Speaker 3:Yes. But but, like, whenever whenever actual people talk about it, what it means is I love you for you, not for what you do. Yeah. So this need of acceptance totally destroys performance based love. And what we have found is that performance based love is something that kids from hard kids from hard places deal with on a pretty consistent basis, is that they believe that they have to act a certain way, they have to do certain things, they have to be seen as something that they're not in order to be successful.
Speaker 3:And that's hard. Right? Like, it is hard to consistently perform and consistently put on this act that I I need to be a certain way. I need to achieve. I need to succeed because if not, then I'm not gonna get what I want most, and that's love.
Speaker 3:Right? And so acceptance, we can say it so many different ways. You belong. You have a seat at the table. You're in our family.
Speaker 3:Like, I receive you as you are, not as you should be. And that sounds a lot like Jesus Christ. Right? Because if you look throughout the bible, and Caroline will give us some more examples, that's what Jesus did. Like, Jesus didn't go after the most qualified people.
Speaker 3:Like, he didn't go after the super successful. He invited normal people, hurt people, people who had stuff, issues into his life, and he walked with them. And he received them as they were, not as they should be. Right? And, man, I'd be in so much trouble if I had to clean up my act and be perfect in order to get Jesus' attention.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:But so often, that's what some mentors have a tendency to do in relationships with their mentees, and I'm afraid that they don't even know that they're doing it. Mhmm. Right? If a child knows that he belongs, if a child knows that he has a seat at the table no matter what, man, it frees him up. And it gives him the opportunity to take risks and to do all of these things.
Speaker 3:And I know this firsthand. Right? Because whenever I was a child, I'm a kid from a hard place, I felt like no one accepted me. It didn't matter if it was teachers or adults or friends. My identity, how I saw myself was flawed, was I didn't have any value.
Speaker 3:I felt worthless. Because of that, I struggle with believing the best about myself, believing the best about situations, believing the best about people. And it's almost this, like, self fulfilling prophecy. Right? It's this, like, vicious cycle of the thing I want most in life is to be loved through acceptance.
Speaker 3:Like, I want people to accept me. But when they do accept me, I have a really hard time believing it, that they're doing it out of a good heart, and it's not because they want something from me, and I actually have a difficult time receiving it. So a kid from a hard place wants more than anything to be accepted, but sometimes he doesn't have what it takes to be able to receive your acceptance. Right? And it's this vicious cycle over and over and over and over.
Speaker 3:I didn't put myself out there because I was so terrified of, like, being rejected. Like, I didn't go to prom because I was terrified to ask out a girl. I didn't try out for sports teams. I'm I say this all the time. I'm sorry if you guys are consistent podcast listeners, but I'm a giant.
Speaker 3:I'm huge. And I didn't try out for my basketball team my senior year because I didn't believe that I was any good, which is crazy. Like, I am a monster, and I thought I was bad at sports. Like, I remember my my sophomore year, my varsity coach came up to me and said, Zach, if you just continue playing basketball, you will receive some kind of basketball scholarship. I heard him say that, and I was like, what's he talking about?
Speaker 3:Like, I'm terrible. It's because, like, I didn't believe that I was worth being accepted. I have, like, super difficult times with authority or with feedback. I when someone questioned my performance, I would flip out because, like, this guy might think that he's talking about my grades, but I think he's talking about my grades that's tied to his love. And because I'm not making good grades, he's gonna stop loving me.
Speaker 3:And so in this podcast, we've talked a ton about a $500 reaction to a 5¢ problem. That's when a kid just, like, blows up whenever it's, like, something really small. Well, it's because there's always a need behind the deed. Right? I would blow up.
Speaker 3:I couldn't handle feedback because I thought that you were taking away your love whenever really what the mentor was doing was he was just trying to make me better. So because I couldn't receive acceptance in a healthy way, right, like, the Lord gives us family. Like, if you have children out there, you know you accept your kid no matter what. Like, my kids this week, they're sick right now. They've, like, sneezed on me.
Speaker 3:They they've coughed in my face. Like, I had to clean my kid's diaper. 1 of my kids threw up on me. But I still love them. Like, it isn't like I'm like, oh my gosh.
Speaker 3:You sneezed in my face? I'm kicking I'm kicking you out of the family. Like, you don't belong here. No. No.
Speaker 3:No. Because that was my childhood. Right? Like, people always, always say, like, I hear this all the time whenever couples get divorced, and they always say, this is for the better. Like, my kids are actually gonna be better.
Speaker 3:And I'm like, that's not true. Because you can tell a kid all day, like, hey, this isn't because of you. But the enemy lies, and the kid does feel like it's because of him. And and so, yeah, like, family is where I should have received acceptance, but I didn't. So I tried to get acceptance from other places, and I would do anything.
Speaker 3:I would make fun of people. I would steal things. I would do things that I never thought that I would do just to have a seat at the table with people who I thought were important.
Speaker 2:As you're talking, I'm thinking about when I was in junior high and all of a sudden all of my friends were using curse words. And maybe that was elementary school for other people, but I I think it was 7th grade when I heard the f word for the first time. And as soon as everyone was doing it, I was like, oh, so this is something I'm supposed to do in order to be in this group and to to be accepted. We do the same thing in adult life where, you know, a wife, a house, kids, and a dog, we wanna look like we fit the part of the people that are around us, and we aspire to be accepted and acceptance is looking like the people that are around us. And those influences really can send us in so many different directions.
Speaker 2:And so for a kid from a hard place, the places he might seek acceptance could be some of the most unhealthy places imaginable. But he he thinks his needs are being met, but really they're being met in all the wrong ways. Mhmm. When you hear about kids joining a gang, it's not because kids really love being a part of violence and aggravated assaults and shooting each other, it's there is a need for me to belong and these people have accepted me into their group and what they do, I want to do because I want to belong. That cycle just leads you in so many different directions when you find your identity in this place of being accepted for what you do, not for who you are.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And, like, I mean, I was reading this article the other day where kids from America moved to the Middle East to join Al Qaeda. Right? And I'm like, why in the world would someone do that?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Right? But that right there speaks to the innate like, the power of wanting to be accepted. Like, kids, they take a look around, and they're like, I don't have a group. I don't have anyone who cares about me. And I want more than anything to be cared for, to belong, to have a seat at the table.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Who can I join? What can I do to find that? Right? And that is why they joined gangs.
Speaker 3:That I mean, we're going extreme here, but even not extreme, like, I went to the Hells Cowboys game on Sunday, and there's a 100,000 people all wearing the same colors, all wearing jerseys, all wearing hats. They're spending a ton of money. And, like, yeah, they might like football and da da da da, but I bet for some of those people, it's like, man, this is where I find meaning. This is like, I'm a Cowboys fan. I'm a gang member.
Speaker 3:I'm Al Qaeda. I'm a basketball player. I'm the pretty girl. I'm the cool guy. I'm you know, that's identity.
Speaker 3:And what we wanna teach our kids is, no. No. No. You're you're a child of God.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:You're a son. You're a daughter first. And, yeah, you can be a son who likes to watch the Cowboys, you know, but first and foremost, you're a son who has a seat at this table who belongs to a family. Mhmm. And for so many of our kids from hard places, they don't have that.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:But what an awesome opportunity for us as mentors to be able to provide that.
Speaker 1:Well, and the enemy has no new tricks. Yeah. Right? Like, his his deceit is the same. Like, it has always been the same.
Speaker 1:And, you see that in his perversion of truth of a child's identity or as whether it's a gang member or as the pretty girl or as a popular girl or as the star football player. Like, all of those things doesn't even have to be a bad thing necessarily, but the enemy perverts the truth. And he, instead of saying instead of what God says, which is, son and daughter, you belong here, the enemy takes that truth and says, you belong if x y z Right. And adds the, you know, adds the the need to perform and adds this qualifier that if they don't meet it, then they won't be the son or daughter.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:And so it's just a good I mean, that happens to us as adults too. Like, just a good reminder in general. Just and me is not. He has nothing new up his sleeve, and the lord has already defeated that. But we just have to be aware of what some of those things can look like even if they're not necessarily the extreme, you know, of gang membership.
Speaker 3:Right. Yeah. Being accepted is something that we all want. And if you've ever not been accepted, right, that's called rejection. Like, oh, man.
Speaker 3:I don't know if there's anything that's worth in that. Right? Like, being rejected, it hurts. It feels terrible. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Like, when someone doesn't want you or doesn't want to be with you, you're just like, ugh. Well, why is that? Because that that goes against what we were created for. Mhmm. We were created for relationships.
Speaker 3:But when someone says, no, I don't want to be in relationship with you, that hits a special place, and that place hurts. I don't care if you're 4, 14, or 40. Being rejected is awful.
Speaker 2:Especially when it's not something that someone communicates. Right. Like someone doesn't walk up to you and be like, I reject you as my son. Yeah. They may not be in your life, and it's not explicitly communicated, but the sense and the feeling of rejection is all the more real.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. That's something that it's a sense of rejection, not just someone saying I reject you.
Speaker 3:Well, Anne, just like you see kids doing things to get accepted. I don't care if it's they need to make straight a's or they need to drink this much or they need to look like this. Why? Because they don't feel accepted by man. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Well, if they don't feel accepted by man, how much harder is it for them to feel accepted by God? Yeah. Right? Because your experiences with your father or with your family or with other people, that's directly tied to how you see God. I know for me, I was always trying to earn acceptance from people through my actions.
Speaker 3:Well, it's the same thing with God. I could never believe that he would just love me for me. Like, no. I I felt like I had to do all of these things. I felt like I had to go to a certain bible studies or go to church so often or say these words.
Speaker 3:Like, it was just so exhausting. Like, man. Like, I have to work for this acceptance. I have to work for his love whenever, like, actually, like, the Lord gives grace based love. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Right? But that was like I remember someone trying to explain to me grace whenever I was in high school, and I was just like so what are you talking about? Like like, it didn't really, like, like, click with me until, like, my mid twenties, and I'd heard it. It it it's just such a foreign concept.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:It doesn't make sense. It totally goes against everything that this world stands for. Like, this world is like, you better perform. And if you perform, you're gonna get money, and you're gonna get status, and you're gonna get friends, and you're gonna be accepted, and all of these things. But that's not the way of the Lord.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. It's so crazy. Like, God loves us not for what we do, but for who we are. And us as mentors, we get to be an example of that. We get to accept this kid who maybe has never been accepted before in his entire life, who's been trying so hard and just trying just, like, trying to muscle their way through it.
Speaker 3:But we get to come and say, hey. No. I don't care if you make a 100 or a 0. I love you. I'm not going anywhere.
Speaker 3:And, like, for me, this this happened with this older man named Don. And Don was a guy who I met. I was in my late twenties, and he was in his early eighties. Now he's 89, I think. But the first time I met Don, he gave me a giant hug and a kiss on the cheek.
Speaker 3:And I was just like, man, this is crazy. Like, this guy is
Speaker 2:First time.
Speaker 3:Yeah. First time. And every time since. And it was so intimate. Like, I was I I I could hardly even handle it.
Speaker 3:But what he was doing was he was accepting me even before he knew me, even before he knew my story, even before he knew my actions. And when I think about what it's gonna be like when I meet Jesus for the first time, I think it's probably gonna be a lot like what it's like meeting Don for the first time. One of my weaknesses is I don't trust you. I don't really accept you be until you show me that you're worth it. That's something that that I'm trying to work on because it isn't a very good trait.
Speaker 3:But, like, Don's the opposite. Like, Don's like, I'll accept you, and you've got my trust no matter what. You know? And that's that's what we're called to. You know?
Speaker 3:I mean, that right there is perfect love, and it casts out all fear. When I think about a good father Mhmm. When I think about God the father, but also just the opportunity for fathers here on earth
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:How they treat their kids, it just screams acceptance.
Speaker 1:And this I mean, you look at scripture, and we can go straight to Luke 15 and the father's reaction to seeing his son come home. And I'm just gonna read in Luke Luke 15 verse 20. The son comes home after squandering all of his inheritance, and he is at his wits end. You know, he has nothing left, and his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him.
Speaker 1:He ran to his son, threw his arms around him, and kissed him. I mean, that is the perfect biblical representation of what acceptance is of just Yeah. His father seeing his son. But he didn't ask him what he did, where he'd been, who he was with, why he was coming home. It was just his initial reaction to seeing his child was, I'm gonna run after and hug him, and he is welcome here because he's mine.
Speaker 1:And that's I mean, that's what Don every time you see him, I'm sure you feel something similar to that. And just the feeling of, you know, that when you see Don, you are going to be embraced
Speaker 3:and
Speaker 1:you are going to be accepted for who you are and that he Dawn has compassion for you. Mhmm. And as mentors, we have the opportunity to run after our mentee and to throw our arms around them and to kiss them and to embrace them and to accept them. Not at maybe not as our biological child, but as someone that we love and as someone that we cherish, which I just think is hugely important. Just to even just the parallel, you know Yep.
Speaker 1:Between that story and the opportunity that we have here.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And and I mean, like, that story is so powerful. Like, first off, the father was on the lookout for his son. Right? Like, he wasn't too busy.
Speaker 3:No. He was intentionally pursuing. And then when he saw him, he felt compassion, and he ran towards him. He embraced him and kissed him. And then despite all of his actions, despite him just blowing the money and acting like a total fool, the father celebrated him.
Speaker 3:He didn't celebrate his actions. He celebrated him, who he was. He was still a son because there's nothing that that child could have done to lose his seat at the table. Right. He was a son because he was a son because he was a son, and nothing changed that.
Speaker 2:That's good.
Speaker 3:And that's how Jesus is with us, and that's how I want to be with the kids that I mentor. I've got kids. Right? And my heart for my kids is so good. Like, I love my children so much.
Speaker 3:And my prayer is that the Lord would give me the heart that I have for my children, for the kids that I mentor. Mhmm. And, like, yes, I am not there. Like, I don't love the kids that I mentor the same that I love my own kids. But, man, I want to.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. Like, I want to love those kids just as if they were my own. And that's between me and the Lord. Right? And that's an area that I can grow in, but that's something that I wanna pursue.
Speaker 3:So, Lord, would you give all of us hearts that would love these kids just like they were our own? Because acceptance means receiving another unconditionally. Right? And, like, that's what Don did. Like, I was lost.
Speaker 3:I was full of sin. I was fatherless. I was scared. I was prideful. I was all of these things, and he loved me.
Speaker 3:And because he loved me, it gave me an opportunity to see myself how he saw me. Right? I was like, man, if Don accepts me for who I am, if this is how he sees me, well, maybe I do have value. Maybe I do belong at the table. Maybe there is a seat for me.
Speaker 3:Right? It's that I love you for you, not for what you do.
Speaker 2:What have been the things that help you get to that place of killing the performance based love mindset that we can encourage in the the people that we influence and mentor? Because I know obviously with your kids, it's like, you know what, ZJ, if you poop on me, you spill your Cheerios, whatever you do, I accept you. But how do you get to that place with with someone you're mentoring? And what what are the steps to actually getting to that unconditional spot where you're willingly not just concerned about where this kid's headed or what's his trajectory, but just you care for him?
Speaker 3:Yeah. Well, I think there's a couple steps there. Right? Like, first off, it starts with my relationship with the Lord. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Right? And, God, would you cultivate a heart that has compassion for this kid? God, would you help me see this kid how you see them? Right? And then next, I have to let go.
Speaker 3:And I have to trust that the Lord loves this kid more than I do. And that God has a plan that may or may not look like my plan. And then next, it's it's just I have got to communicate it to him. Like, I have got to tell him verbally, I'm not going anywhere. And a a great saying is I love you for you, not for what you do.
Speaker 3:Right? Oh, dude. You made a 40 on your math test? Man, let's talk about ways to bring that 40 up to an 80, but regardless of how you do in math, I still love you. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And every time a kid fails, there's an opportunity there to accept him despite his failure. Right? And if you say that over and over and over and over and over, it's gonna present the opportunity for them to actually start to believe it. Right? So it's like your words over them gives them permission to actually believe it.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Right? Acceptance goes after identity. Like, us as mentors, every mentor wants their mentee's behaviors to change. If a kid's mean, every mentor wants their kid to be nice.
Speaker 3:Yeah. If a kid's not making good grades, every mentor wants them to make good grades. Right? But there's a disconnect when we start focusing on the good grades or on the behavior. Like, that promotes performance based love.
Speaker 3:Yeah. But when we go after the identity, like, you're asking a kid to be nice who doesn't even believe that he's nice. Like, you're asking a kid to have self confidence whenever he believes in his heart that he has no value, that he is worthless. Yeah. But acceptance takes care of the identity piece, and the identity piece always takes care of the behavior.
Speaker 3:And what I have found is that the behaviors that come like, they're coming straight from a person's identity. And if you can change their identity, how they see themselves, then their behaviors, it changes and it lasts. Yeah. Any kid can be nice for 2 weeks. Right?
Speaker 3:But if their heart hasn't changed, then, ultimately, they'll go back. But if you go after the identity and you go after the heart and the kid's not trying to be nice, but he believes in his heart that he is nice Mhmm. Or that he is valuable or that he has worth or that he is a son and that he is accepted. That's I mean, this goes back to, attention. First, you give him attention, and then you affirm him, and you accept him.
Speaker 3:And all of that speaks to identity. So if you hang out with the kid long enough, and you keep saying these things, I believe in you. I love you. You have a seat at the table. I love you for you, not for what you do.
Speaker 3:I'm spending time with you because I believe all of these things. A kid's gonna start to believe that, and his heart is going to change. Yeah. And he's gonna start to see himself how you see him and how the Lord sees him. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And that's how the Lord transforms lives.
Speaker 1:Yeah. I mean, and just practically, like, okay. Well, how do you do that? How do you speak those identity pieces over a kid? Because I think that's a really lofty idea when we're like, hey.
Speaker 1:How do you actually getting getting dirty and do it? Well, Zach, like, something I've seen you do even, like, this week is talking with kids is just is asking the question, like, do you know that I love you? And waiting and waiting for the response. And then I do. I do love you.
Speaker 1:And then and then asking the question, do you believe that you're a good kid? Why are you a good kid? Why do you think I believe that you're a good kid? And asking the child really to kind of pull out these reasons that you have spoken over them over the years, that of reasons why you love them, why you believe in them. And even this week, you're asking a kid that you've been in relationship for a while now for a couple years.
Speaker 1:You're like, okay. Well and it was about a behavior. And it's like, hey. Why do you think that we're having this conversation? And his response was because you love us.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And so over time, he or she will believe that. And but it is just a practical asking of, do you believe that I love you? And let that sink in with a kid who maybe has never been asked that before. I mean, that is a oh my goodness.
Speaker 1:That is a crazy question to be asked if you've never been asked that before. And do you believe that you're a good kid and really just nailing in on these points of just like you said, Zach, that you believe in them, that you love them. And over time, all of these walls will be torn down. And then the questions about behavior when those do come up, the response probably, maybe, hopefully, just like it was in this situation is because you love us.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:And
Speaker 1:because it finally clicks that it is because you love them that you are wanting more for them.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And, like, I I make a kid give me eye contact. Like, I get down on his level Yeah. And I ask him a question. And if he doesn't make eye contact with me, I wait and I say, hey, I need your eyes.
Speaker 3:Give me your eyes. And for some kids, it takes a minute. Right? But, man, that eye contact, that intimate, that I'm looking into your eyes.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:And I'm saying, I love you. I believe in you. And, like, these things, acceptance, attention, affirmation, this sets the foundation of a relationship.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And what it does, once the foundation has been set, it gives me permission to say what I need to say. 2 of our kids got in a fight. Like, our elementary school and our after school program are less than a fourth of a mile away from each other, and 2 kids got in a fight on the 2 minute bus ride.
Speaker 1:And I'm
Speaker 3:just like, how is that part? Like, what did he say that made you punch him in the face on the van in a 120 seconds? Right? I pulled these 2 kids in and I said, Hey, give me your eyes. Like that's not who you are.
Speaker 3:Like you are not a fighter. That's not how we deal with stuff. You're a good kid and I love you and I believe in you. Do you think that I love you? Yeah, coach.
Speaker 3:Say it. You love me. Okay. Good. Then and I said, stop fighting.
Speaker 3:Stop acting this way. I was firm, but I earned it. Mhmm. And, like, in a way, he knows that I love him, and that gives me the opportunity and the permission to say the hard thing. Yeah.
Speaker 3:If I just would've went in there and be like, stop fighting you. That's not how then it would've gotten nowhere. But, like, first, I set the standard. Like, I love you. I'm not going anywhere.
Speaker 3:You belong. You're a part of this. Mhmm. You're you're a good kid. And once he said, yeah.
Speaker 3:You're right. I said, okay. Well, that's not how a good kid acts. You know, you say that you wanna be a good husband. You say that you wanna go to college.
Speaker 3:You say that you wanna be a doctor. That's not how a doctor acts. And, man, you do that over and over and over. And if you start mentoring a kid when he's in 3rd grade and you have him until 12th grade, like Mhmm. And you do that consistently over, you know, a decade, yeah, it's gonna
Speaker 1:It's really powerful.
Speaker 3:It's gonna leave a mark. Mhmm. We talked about this in the last episode, just the power of our words. Mhmm. You are literally speaking life into a kid.
Speaker 3:You're speaking life into a kid. That's good. Because all he's hearing outside are lies from the enemy.
Speaker 1:What would you say are some negative results that come when a child does not receive acceptance?
Speaker 2:Yeah. I I think going back to what we've been talking about of performance based love is is just kind of a bedrock of acceptance and how kids learn that what they do influences who accepts them, and that is a trap. And for so many kids, especially kids from hard places who, in in many ways have more difficulty in the education system because of their situation at home or their situation in their friends group or in their community, they can get to a spot where they view school as a place that they do not have acceptance, a place where I am not good enough, and so what naturally happens in in places where you perform and you don't perform well is that you shut down. Mhmm. And so again and again and again, you see kids shut down and disassociate from places where they're not the best or they have to try very hard because if I have to try really hard to do this and I fail, I don't wanna have to go through the shame or the disappointment or the discouragement that takes place with that, and so that leads to apathy.
Speaker 2:And even if they don't go to class, don't go to school, no one asked them questions about it, so why does it even matter? I don't need I don't need to go to school to be accepted. No one's even asking me about it, but some kids, they're like, well, I'm not good enough, so I just won't even try.
Speaker 3:Well, I mean, like, a kid's gonna put forth effort in the area that he receives acceptance from, and for some of our kids, if they make straight As, no one accepts them. If they make zeros, no one accepts them. Why? Because no one cares about their grades. There's a number of reasons why that might be.
Speaker 3:Maybe mom's working 3 jobs and she just doesn't have time to look at her report card. Maybe her family doesn't value education. Maybe her community doesn't value education. I don't care what the reason is, but kids are only gonna put forth effort in areas that they feel accepted in.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:That's why some of the kids that I coached whenever I was a football coach were some of the hardest working kids. Like, they would outwork anyone on the football field. But then they'd get in the classroom and they gave no effort. Well, it's because they got acceptance when they played football and no one cared whether or not they did well in school. And so I'm like, man, you can work hard.
Speaker 3:I'm watching you work hard. Why don't you work hard in the classroom? Well, because no one cares. Like, well, I don't think I'd care either. Like, it makes sense.
Speaker 2:When people say at risk, there's a reason. Mhmm. And really that those risks are associated with places these kids search and long for acceptance that are leading them down a trajectory of poor decision making. And, that trajectory can be finding, unhealthy relationships, whether whether that's, relationships that involve Sex. I wasn't gonna say it.
Speaker 2:I wasn't gonna say it.
Speaker 3:I am gonna say it because that's a huge part of our kids' lives.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Like, do you wonder why, like, all of these young men, like, chase after girls with all of, like, everything that they have? Well, it's because they wanna be loved. It's because they wanna be accepted. And, like, I mean, like, there's a reason why 15 year old kids are getting together and having sex with each other. There's a reason, and it's more than just physical.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. It's emotional. Right? Like, there's a reason why, like, if you wanna watch a kid persevere and work hard and, like, set their mind on something and chase after it, watch watch a teenage boy try to chase after a teenage girl. I'm like, man, like, you're really putting in some effort here, dude.
Speaker 3:Well, why is that? It's because they want to be accepted. It's because they want someone who's going to look at them and say, I want to be with you. Mhmm. And there are some kids that we serve who there's not one person that they feel like an adult wants to be with them.
Speaker 3:That might not be the truth, but they may not feel that. It's crazy. Right? Like, unhealthy friendships, like, I sit here and I watch this happen all the time. Some of the boys that I know are so mean to their friends.
Speaker 3:Like, there's always, like, 1 or 2 kids who just they just get made fun of on a consistent basis. And I'm always like, man, why are you hanging out with these guys? And they don't know. But deep down, I can see it. It's just because they're the only people that you think you can find acceptance from.
Speaker 3:Right? And just if if you take a step back and objectively look at kids, specifically kids from hard places, all of them are trying to find their people, find their tribe, find a family, find a spot at the table. Where do they belong? Like, that's why teenage kids, 1 semester, they're an athlete. The next semester, they're listening to, like, hardcore rock and roll music.
Speaker 3:The next semester, they're hardcore rap music. The next semester, they're in the band. The next semester, they're in theater. Like, we're just trying to find a place. Right?
Speaker 3:Because everyone wants to find a place. Like, we are all designed to be to have this need of acceptance met. We are a tribal people. Like, we want to have a spot, and our kids from a hard place, they're no different. Yeah.
Speaker 3:So, Cash, tell me how godly acceptance differs from worldly acceptance.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So we've talked about this a lot, but the idea of performance based love versus grace based love is, I think, one of the most important things ever. That God accepts us as his children because we are just his children and because he loves us versus the world, which is merit, merit, merit. Everything's on what you do, how you perform, who you know, all these things. But we can really see this if you just look at the entire bible, and just how really the New Testament and how Jesus lives his entire life, and who he hangs out with.
Speaker 1:Because you never see Jesus hanging out with people because of what they do. In fact, he is usually hanging out with the people who have absolutely nothing to offer at all. And one of my favorite scriptures is in Mark 5, when Jesus is on his way to heal, Jairus' daughter and then he's bumping through the crowd. He has people touching all over him. And then he feels power come out of him, and he turns around and he sees this woman who's been bleeding.
Speaker 1:She's for years, and she has wasted all of her money on doctors that have not made her better but worse. She is not supposed to even be in the crowd because she is unclean. She is literally crawling on the ground towards Jesus with the hope of, if I can just touch him. If I can just reach out. If I can just be accepted.
Speaker 1:You know, our kids are like reaching and crying out for that acceptance. If I can just do this thing. And Jesus turns around, and he looks at her in the first and he says, daughter. Like he says, daughter, your faith has made you well. You are healed.
Speaker 1:Your sins are forgiven. And I think that is so, so powerful that Jesus speaks to her as a daughter, and he speaks to her amongst a crowd of people, and he calls her out individually. I mean, you see this all over Yeah. Scripts over Jesus. I mean, he looks at the person individually, and he says, you.
Speaker 1:Right. You are the one.
Speaker 3:Which is identity.
Speaker 1:Yeah. I mean, it all it all goes back to that. It all goes back to that. But I think that is one of the maybe the biggest difference between God's love and worldly love. And the fact that as mentors that we have the opportunity to play a part in revealing the love of God to this child.
Speaker 1:I mean, that is a beautiful burden that we get to carry of just getting to call our mentees, son, daughter. I see you. Like, I see you in the crowd, and I accept you for you. And, I mean, let's do this. I mean, it all goes back to just identity and calling them as who they are and not by what they are doing or how they perform.
Speaker 1:I think that's really important. How do you communicate acceptance to a mentee even if he is making poor decisions?
Speaker 3:Yeah. So the last thing that we wanna do is not call out the stuff that is leading a kid towards darkness. Right? Like, if a kid's doing things that are going to hurt him, please tell him to stop. But you can love the person and not love his actions.
Speaker 3:But kinda like what we talked about earlier, you have to say it. You know, it could be as simple as, look, I love you and I care a ton about you and I believe in you, and I'm not going anywhere. But let's talk about your actions. Let's talk about how you're speaking. Let's talk about your school performance.
Speaker 3:Let's talk about your drinking or drugs or how you treat treat women. Right? And then once you have that conversation, say, man, thank you so much. I love you just as you are, even when you make poor choices. It's just verbalizing that stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So That's good. Which is hard. Right? It does definitely take a certain amount of practice, but that's our job as mentors. And, like, we talk a ton about how acceptance like, this is what leads to growth and maturity and character.
Speaker 3:Like, a person's identity will cause all of this stuff. But, Cash, like, what tell me why acceptance is vital to growth.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So a kid will never will never grow if they feel or if they have this learned behavior that they have to earn your love based on how they perform. That performance based love is just a vicious cycle because it doesn't end. Because at some point, the way that they're performing today isn't gonna measure up for tomorrow, that's not gonna measure up for a month from now or 2 years from now. And so it's going to continue to grow to where they feel like there there's never enough to be done in order to earn your love.
Speaker 1:And so acceptance, true acceptance gives kids the freedom to make the mistake Yeah. To grow. And because they know that they're never gonna lose the seat at the table. Right. They know that they have a place to belong.
Speaker 1:And so in your mentoring relationship, they know that even if they fail, even if they fight on the bus, they are welcome back. They are loved here and that they are accepted here. And so it gives them it gives them the freedom to know that their their mistakes doesn't disqualify them as someone that deserves to be loved or that someone that deserves to be accepted. Yeah. And it it just you are communicating to them.
Speaker 1:Hey. You don't have to be perfect. Yeah. But I love you. And you're not condoning wrong behavior, but you are you are allowing the freedom for mistakes to happen where they know that, okay, I have somewhere to fall back to, and I have somewhere to go even if I mess up.
Speaker 1:And just that's what again, going back to Luke 15, that's the prodigal son. He he knew I can I can go back to my dad? Right. And he didn't expect the reaction that he had. I better a lot of our kids don't expect the reaction that we have to give them, which is I love you.
Speaker 1:I accept you. Which that's that's all it's about is their identity and accepting them for who they are.
Speaker 2:Yeah. It normalizes the growth the process of growth
Speaker 1:Totally.
Speaker 2:Which I think is important for kids to understand the natural process of growing in something is failure.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And we must accept failure
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:If these kids are going to develop into adults. Yeah. Failure is a natural part of life. And for a lot of kids from hard places, failure is not an option. And if I'm going to fail, I'm just not gonna do it at all.
Speaker 2:A mentor can really fight against this, yeah, mentality of performance based love by accepting them and encouraging them to recognize a a growth mindset. To be maturing is to be living.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And and I mean, like, going back to why it's so important for us to verbalize this stuff is because if we don't, it gives the enemy an open door to basically say to the kid, hey. If this doesn't change, then you're not welcome here anymore. Right? And that's the last thing that we wanna communicate to the kids that we spend time with.
Speaker 3:Right? Because, like, failures will come, disappointments will come, but we wanna be right there with them, and we wanna help them through it. And even in the midst of it, we wanna reinforce, hey. Just because this stuff's going on, we are still for you. We're we still love you.
Speaker 3:How will us as mentors accepting our mentees, how will that impact their lives and how they build relationships with other people?
Speaker 2:I mean, it's it's straight discipleship. If you receive something, you're able to give it away. Mhmm. And so if I'm accepted, I can accept. And so for for a lot of our kids who are seeking acceptance, which I would say that worldly acceptance is something that you seek, Godly acceptance is something that seeks you, and and I think when you receive godly acceptance, you can then be the one who accepts others regardless of what they do, but because of who they are.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And and I think that that's a powerful part of mentoring is that we're equipping our kids for social development, for their friendships, that your mentor relationship isn't just affecting their future family, but it's affecting their relationships now. It's giving them a different picture of what it looks like to give acceptance and not just to receive it. And so I think what you receive, you're able to give. So I I think it a mentor's acceptance can lead to changing our schools.
Speaker 2:If every kid from a hard place had a mentor who accepted them, who loved them for who they are, I think it would change change a school.
Speaker 3:Man, the Lord accepts us no matter what. May we, as mentors, do the same thing. May we have the courage and the intentionality to look them in the eyes and to say, I love you for you, not for what you do. You belong here. You have a seat at my table, and I'm not going anywhere because that's what Jesus says to us.
Speaker 3:I love it. Yep. So to conclude the relationships change lives series, the 3 a's, attention, affirmation, acceptance. Attention, showing up, just giving the kid your attention communicates value. Affirmation is speaking truth.
Speaker 3:There's power in your words. Right? Hey, I believe in you. You have what it takes to succeed. You are a man of God.
Speaker 3:And then the final one is acceptance, just you belong. And all of those things, all of those phrases, all of those feelings are things that our mentees need to feel on a consistent basis. And what an awesome opportunity for us to help them experience that. To help them experience the love of Jesus through our relationship. Because relationships change lives.
Speaker 1:Thanks for listening everybody to this series. I hope you've enjoyed it, and check out our show notes for more information about some things that we talked about today and throughout the series. And if you didn't hear anything, make sure that you hear this. You can mentor.