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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Welcome to the System Speak podcast, a podcast about dissociative identity disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 2:Woah, guys. You guys, I I I don't even know how to talk about this, but man, oh, man. I got so busted. I mean, I was busted. I don't even know what to tell you.
Speaker 2:Busted. I I'm in the diary room right now. It's my confessional. I am so busted. Oh, I I just I just gotta come clean and tell you the story of it.
Speaker 2:I don't even deserve the light of day because I done all this mess. I was just trying to help, though. I was not trying to cause a problem, but it turns out it it is a problem. I am the problem. It's me.
Speaker 2:I know she's singing, not sunk. Okay. Here's the truth of it. Let me just lay it out for you. Okay?
Speaker 2:All I wanted was a hedgehog. Do you know why? Because they look pretty cute. And I thought if I can just have a hedgehog, that's not the same as asking for a dog or a cat, and not the same as llama or a horse or a cow or chickens. I really miss my chickens.
Speaker 2:But I do not live out the country now, and I try to keep telling myself that's a memory. That's a memory time, the chickens. And it confused me because the chickens was now time. But now time, the chickens is memory time. So I don't even know how is this supposed to work it because
Speaker 3:I really like that house. And sometimes, I'm very sad I'm not there because I could play outside. I was camping outside all the time, and we didn't have to go places or do things. And I just had kids to play with all the time when they were little. Now they are big kids, and I don't know what happened.
Speaker 3:And they don't wanna play with me, and I can't have my chickens. And it makes me sound a bit. Okay? So I just thought a hedgehog, He's not too much to ask. Hedgehog.
Speaker 3:He's just a little critter. But can I have hedgehog? No. She said I even asked Chris. I said I said, please.
Speaker 3:It's not it's just a little critter, and she said we had to buy groceries for all the humans
Speaker 2:before we can buy groceries for animals.
Speaker 3:It's just a little critter. How many groceries does it want? I don't even know. So I can't have a hedgehog because I don't know how to take care of it. Orchid's got lizard or something, and I love it so much.
Speaker 3:I love that little guy. Orchid's a good mom. I'm crying. I don't mean to. I feel so bad about the whole mess, and I was so busted.
Speaker 3:And I'm seeing a therapy at the parking lot because I was gonna talk to her because I'm having big feelings about it. But now I cannot because the big people have big feelings about other things. And we have to help the kids, so my turn gets passed. So I'm just taking my turn right now because I tried to tell that group. I just interrupt things, and it's not my group.
Speaker 3:And I wanna stay in my lane. I wanna use my words. And I my words are I just wanted a hedgehog because I miss my chickens.
Speaker 2:And in
Speaker 3:some days, it's really hard. And then miss my dog, and I'm just tired of everything going away. I didn't I didn't know I had so many big feelings, And I I have a therapist, and we can talk to our therapist. And, also, so many things keep happening. We're not talking about talking about a lot of things, and I kinda wanna talk to her, but I'm scared if I talk to her.
Speaker 3:Because last time I talked to my therapist, then my therapist went away. With my cause that problem too. So I thought I would just I would I would I would just ask for a hedgehog. It'll mean to be bad, and it'll mean to cause everybody problems. And all of us, we're learning about how to make friends, and then some people go away.
Speaker 3:Don't wanna be our friend anymore. Just wanna think, oh, good. We have a friend. Sometimes I can see jewels, and it's pretty fun, a good time. It's good food, Good let it go.
Speaker 3:Good talking about things. I just do a
Speaker 2:whole lot of talking, them girls. I'm not talking about hanky pankies. But then she has
Speaker 3:to go away, and I understand it, but I just want a friend who doesn't always go away. And I thought, what about hedgehog? I think it's a pretty good idea. Also, I just like the word of it. Hedgehog, that's a pretty cool word.
Speaker 3:And I was thinking, I like that word if I get a hedgehog. And but she said no.
Speaker 2:And so we got kids to take care of.
Speaker 3:And sometimes sometimes, yeah, it's like kids wanna play with me. We have marshmallow fight.
Speaker 2:We have whipped cream fight. We I like I like when we go on walks, and I
Speaker 3:like when we play at the park. But sometimes they wanna play by themselves. And I try to be patient of a whole lot changes. I try to get my bearings. I try to know where I'm at for now time and what's happening now time.
Speaker 3:And then now time changes. And now what I thought is now time is memory time, and how am I supposed to keep it figured out? So it is that a hedgehog is the answer. A hedgehog if I just have a hedgehog, it might be a answer. She said hedgehog is not answer.
Speaker 3:A hedgehog is something else, and we will need more something else, but I do. And I try to talk, and I try to communicate, and I try to write it down. And I try to talk, and nobody was listening to me. And I broke my foot, and
Speaker 2:I could not even play all summer,
Speaker 3:and I miss all summer. And I don't like having big feelings. I just like to play and have fun, and I could not even have fun. But if I just have to lay there, and I'm just stuck laying there all summer long just laying there. If I have a hedgehog, I might have a buddy.
Speaker 3:And I just thought maybe I can have a hedgehog. And so I asked about it, and she just said no. And we're trying to make friends, and I just also have a friend. I was friends with Ian, but I don't get to see him as friends with
Speaker 2:I just I just thought we can make some friends.
Speaker 3:So when I was just laying it, here's what happened. I was being a whiny baby, feeling all my big feelings by myself. I was just alone. I was feeling alone. Everybody's gone or everybody is dead or everybody's memory time.
Speaker 3:And I was trying I was trying to think how can I make friends? And just when I ruined the a friend, there was this squirrel at the window. And I said, hey, buddy. Do you need a friend? Because I need a friend.
Speaker 3:And the squirrel said, yeah. I need a friend too. And I said, do
Speaker 2:you wanna be my buddy? And they said, yeah. I wanna be your buddy. And so I gave him my lunch. Don't tell anybody.
Speaker 3:And then, also,
Speaker 2:after that, I just kept visiting my friend, and my friend keep coming to visit me.
Speaker 3:So all summer and all fall, I
Speaker 2:tame my little squirrel friend and their family, and they'll come and eat some flowers seeds out of my hand.
Speaker 3:And then let me hold her, and she's
Speaker 2:all wiggly. Let me tell you how wiggly is a squirrel. At squirrel got ADHD. That's what I'm telling you. I said, what's over here?
Speaker 2:What's over here? What's over here? What's over here? Made me dizzy, my squirrel. But I was a pretty good buddy,
Speaker 3:and that's how could I finally have a friend. But then where we live, it's gonna snow, and I was very worried. So
Speaker 2:when Alex grow out of his pants
Speaker 3:and they already cannot fit them. I said, well, can I borrow those for a minute? And I just use them to make a little mess. I was just trying to help. And I try to make a little mess.
Speaker 3:And I put it in the secret passage because my house has a secret passage. It goes from my room in the closet under the house with the pipes all the way to my daughter's room all the way outside. And I thought it's like a perfect little house for my squirrel family. I did not know what's called crawl space. I did not know it's not for your pets.
Speaker 3:I didn't know I was not trying to do something bad. I just want, here's a secret room in the house. And sometimes at memory time, we all hide places, and I thought it was a good hiding place. And so I just been playing there. And I made him a little house,
Speaker 2:and I made him a little a little nest, and I made him some food and a little door to, like, come in and out.
Speaker 3:Everything was fine. Everything was just fine. Except then my squirrel and by her cousin Eddie, who is raccoons, and
Speaker 2:I think she identifies a goat because she just eat a lot of trash and plays with the trash, and that that's not a problem to me. We have a child, outside kid, also play with trash. She was homeless before us, so she love her trash. So I know I know the rules. Let them play with the trash.
Speaker 2:And then every Saturday, we have to clean out the trash, and then they can blow trash again.
Speaker 3:I know how to do it.
Speaker 2:I was not trying to cause problems. I really was not. And you guys would love Eddie and my squirrels, and and then Eddie brought her cousins.
Speaker 3:And then Eddie moved upstairs,
Speaker 2:which did not bother me. I'm glad Eddie is so happy playing on the walls like who knows away? I don't know. Pretty talented, I figured. Well, what's up then?
Speaker 2:Because it was up in the attic, Chris heard it while she was trying to work. And Chris said, what is that? And I said, oh, I don't know. Maybe the house is haunted. I didn't wanna give up my space.
Speaker 2:I know how important it is to have people in the attic, and I'll go and protect them and keep them safe. And they just wanna be warm. That's not bad thing. I wanna be warm. She got clothes for outside kids.
Speaker 2:They won't be warm. There's nothing wrong with that. But then at night, the kids will hear it, and then they tell him. And and say the house is not haunted. There's no ghost here.
Speaker 2:They said, but we hear the sounds, but we cannot hear the sounds and can not hear the sounds because at night at night, we all took our ears off, and they got charged.
Speaker 3:And I told her, just
Speaker 2:let the ears charge. And I told Eddie, Eddie, I know you had to play a night, but you have to be very quiet or we are busted. Me and me got buzzed big time. Big time. The neighbor saw something, and Chris heard something, and Jules heard something, all the kids heard something.
Speaker 2:And so Chris did it and called for help of of the house people. And the house people called the wildlife department, and I said, I I love some wildlife, and I will work at the department. But I I don't want the wildlife department to come to my house
Speaker 3:and take away my friends. They said, we're not trying to take away your friends. We help move your friends to the forest. I said, what forest are you talking about? We live at the desert by the mountain,
Speaker 2:but it's not desert because snow melt canal makes it green like magic trick of humans. But I grew up at the woods, and I know what is the woods forest, and they do not have that here. So I was worried as a trick. And I said, I really I really do not like men's at my house. Can you please go away?
Speaker 2:Pretty please. But they said, we we know that you wanna feel safe. And if you wanna go outside while we do this or if you wanna go upstairs while we do this, we have to go out of your crawl space and your attic, and that's why I learned what is a crawl space. I can't have a secret hiding place if everybody knows where at. I'll find me there.
Speaker 2:That's not a good hiding place. So what am I even supposed to do now? Very disresevent. My little squirrel friends, they're so busy ADHD, they can't catch them, but they got them shoot out. And I
Speaker 3:say, run free, little buddy. Run free. Run for your life.
Speaker 2:I know that feeling. We got run. I got I got I don't know where to run to anymore. I got nowhere left or run at. Then the raccoons, they they they were not impressed.
Speaker 2:I'm having inspection day, and I'm not impressed. They are causing problems in the walls. I said, come on, guys. Try cooperate with me. We gotta communicate here about these things.
Speaker 2:They hissed like a goose. You ever seen a mama goose? They're not impressive. I said, guys, they don't even know you. You can't do that.
Speaker 2:And they said, well, you cannot live with raccoons in your walls. And I said, well, I gave him a key. That got busted. So busted. So busted of it.
Speaker 2:They put trap cages up there and trick them, and then going in with a little snack. That's a that gets me every time I fall for a snack, trick me right there. One time, my therapist said, you want a snack? We have snacks here. And I thought, oh, yes.
Speaker 2:I do. But she said, no. No. Thank you. Because she didn't want me to come to therapy.
Speaker 2:And I said, well, I'm gonna just you wait. Just you wait and see. Maybe. If if I don't make her go away. Last time, I went to therapy a lot sometimes, and I felt like I didn't talk to her, but when I do it and she just went away.
Speaker 2:You know what I think made me the saddest part of all of it when my therapist went away? It's because I thought we were buddies, and then we were not. I thought she liked to help me, and then I found out she did not. Then I was just embarrassed. I know not everybody wants to be my friend, but I don't I don't need you pretend and then take it away.
Speaker 2:That's not even nice. If if you wanna be friends with someone, you just say no. Thank you, and you're gonna have some boundaries. I just don't do it, Like, you can't pretend it. That's not even nice, and I just really struggle a bit.
Speaker 2:And I was very sad, very long time, and it caused a lot of problems. But those coons don't got no problem taking that snack and snap right just like that. It got him. I was like, man, that was kinda cool. At first, it scared me, but I see everybody's okay, and nobody's hurt.
Speaker 2:And then I feel like, guys, I guess it's moving day. So I cannot foster no coons. They did not need my help. They've got a new home now, a new home that is not a house home. They need a home that is a tree home or a cave home or an outside home.
Speaker 2:And I said, what about the snow? And he said, if snow was bad for coons, there wouldn't be no coons around here. The coons will be just fine. And I said, well, they're pretty furry, kinda fuzzy like. They got a pretty good coat on them.
Speaker 2:And that gave me an idea. I said, wait just one minute, and I've ran back inside. And I pulled the button off my coat, and I took it back in for Eddie. And I went out there, and I said, Eddie, I want you to have a present on your way. And I gave Eddie my button.
Speaker 2:We had a little handshake hug, and that's it, Eddie. You got buzzed in, and you're grounded. So let's take confinement just for a little while, and I'm really sorry. But why don't you keep this button? And you know there's was not no footprint to me with real friends.
Speaker 2:And now I think maybe that's how you know when you finally have a really good friend, they give you their button. And I thought I'm on watch for buttons, And now I know it's a really good friend. Somebody who's safe. Somebody who's gonna stay even when you're far apart, even when it's a hard conversation, even when you're busted. Right now, I gotta think about if I ain't gonna give my therapist a button.
Speaker 2:Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. But I know I was pretty busted. And in that walls of my house, in that attic, in that crawl space, That's pretty fun venture till I got found out. Them girls, they said they're mortified.
Speaker 2:They said I can't even. And I said, well, you're gonna have to because you know what? I'm here to stay. And then I'm thinking about about that, and I thought I should have made my coon a sign. Like, them girls at Taylor Swift concert, I know he said, we will stay.
Speaker 2:And I say, coon, you can stay. So I made a sign, and I put it in the window so my squirrels know. When they run by the window, they know I'm still here. I just got play with them outside. That doesn't answer the question about the hedgehog, though.
Speaker 2:Then I was thinking, what if I got hedgehog? And I put it in the mailbox for my therapist. And before I could even start making plans, them girl said, don't even think about it. Maybe I'll get hedgehog, and I'll name my hedgehog Button. And then we can be buddies, and then no one can take him away even if I'm not allowed to keep him in the crawl space.
Speaker 3:I
Speaker 2:don't know. Something to think about, But I can't make a good plan till I learn from the ones that didn't work out. Gotta learn some hard lessons in life. And today's hard lesson is you can't keep coons in your walls. Not without everybody finding out.
Speaker 2:Not without getting busted.
Speaker 3:I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser is your leaving because you get tired of my scheming for the last time. It's me. Hi. I'm the problem. It's me.
Speaker 3:At tea time, My daughter-in-law kills me for the money. She thinks I have fun and a will. Go fan together as round and reads it, and then someone screams out. She's laughing at this from hell. It's me.
Speaker 3:Hi. I'm a problem. It's me. It's me. Hi.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together. Maybe it will help you in some ways too. You can connect with us on Patreon by going to our website at www.systemspeak.org. If there's anything we've learned, it's that connection brings healing.
Speaker 1:We look forward to connecting with you.