Act of War

"Sadly, The motivational work I did hasn't paid off"

"The old carrot and stick approach?"

"Yes, Lord Caesar. They ate the carrot"

Fedux has returned with more news from the great beyond, some urgent, some weird, some rather developing in nature. How will our great Caesar and his trusted friend, Sensus, handle the news?

Credits:

Nate Gothard as Caesar               
Hester van der Vyver as Sensus                
Thomas Taufan as Fedux, Voice and Guard                
Linda Chong as Intercom 

Written by Mike Jones and Iley Jones
Produced by Bass Mike Studios and Iris Lantern

What is On the Roman Nose?

Turning back the pages of history, In the yesteryears of time, there once was an empire that was mightier than any before and held land greater than any since. A culture rich in architecture, education and art, but there is so little remaining of the Great Khan's dynasty that we can't make fun of it. So to Ancient Rome instead!

Here we join Lord Caesar and his loyal assistant, confidant and friend, Senator Sensus in the famed marble palace, facing diplomatic issues, comedic characters and the burden of leadership.

From the mixed bag of stories in Getting You Home On Friday, On the Roman Nose is slapstick happy, witty, and full of humour in a collection of short and sweet episodes.

(On the Roman Nose, Episode Fourteen, Act of War)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEERING.

SENSUS: Lord Caesar?

CAESAR: (MUFFLED) Wait a moment, Sensus.

BOTTLE CORK POPPING.

Ah, that's better. It's the last time I try to stick that in there.

SENSUS: Yes, Caesar. May I ask why you had your head in that Amphorae?

CAESAR: Oh, Sensus, I do just love those sticky bits Chef comes up with. Have we found out what they
are?

SENSUS: Do you really want to know?

CAESAR: I guess not. You may be right. It may well take the delight out of the food if I knew what it was.
Much the same way as if you knew what was in a present before opening it.

SENSUS: Or a veil on a woman.

CAESAR: Or an orgy with the lights on.

SENSUS: Indeed.

A CAR HORN HOOTER.

CAESAR: What gives Sensus?

SENSUS: It is your messenger-in-chief, Fedux.

CAESAR: Call him.

SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call Messenger Fedux.

GUARD: (DISTANT) Call Messenger Fedux!

INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Massaging three ducks, massaging three ducks, report to Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: I thought you fixed that.

SENSUS: Sadly, The motivational work I did hasn't paid off.

CAESAR: The old carrot and stick approach?

SENSUS: Yes, Lord Caesar. They ate the carrot.

FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AND COMING CLOSER.

CAESAR: And the stick?

SENSUS: They now walk on their tippy toes.

FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE AND THEN TAP
DANCING TO "SHAVE AND A HAIR-CUT TWO BITS".

CAESAR: Nicely done.

FEDUX: Thank you, Lord Caesar. I try to please.

CAESAR: What news do you bring?

FEDUX: The late news.

CAESAR: And why?

FEDUX: Forgive me, Lord Caesar, I had a head cold.

CAESAR: And you stopped running?

FEDUX: All except my nose.

CAESAR: Very well.

FEDUX: I am now. Lord Caesar, firstly I bring you news from the Soothsayer.

CAESAR: Red Ruth?

FEDUX: Yes, Lord Caesar, Red Ruth the Toothless Soothsayer.

SENSUS: That is a mouthful.

CAESAR: You should see it on a business card.

FEDUX: She says to you, "Lord Caesar, beware, beware.... arrrchh, uuuuurss kk aaaa blrrrrrr
ahhhhhhh".

CAESAR: Good gods, get someone over there quickly, Sensus!

SENSUS: Why my Lord?

CAESAR: I think she’s choking on a peanut.

FEDUX: That would explain why she didn't tip me.

CAESAR: What other news do you carry?

FEDUX: My Lord, a parchment from His Royal Highness Nordsan Xerxes King of Persia.

SENSUS: Allow me, Lord Caesar.

FEDUX: Wait just a moment.

PADLOCK AND KEY AND CHAIN UNDOING.

CAESAR: Interesting concept, Fedux.

FEDUX: Thank you, Lord Caesar. Just another security measure.

SENSUS: Chaining it to your left nipple?!

CAESAR: Aren't you worried about having it ripped off?

FEDUX: No, I have a patent pending.

UNROLLING SCROLL.

SENSUS: Lord Caesar, I give you good tidings and on those tidings sails my ship, The Sadistic
Lemming. It brings to you 100,000 gold pieces as a tribute.

CAESAR: But I…

SENSUS: There is more.

CAESAR: I feared that.

SENSUS: It also carries my daughter.

CAESAR: Belina the Beautiful?

SENSUS: No, Shadana the Personality.

CAESAR: Ugh, I thought as much. This is an act of war.

SENSUS: But wait there's more.

CAESAR: More?

SENSUS: A set of steak knives.

CAESAR: Damn! I just bought a set! You know, Sensus, her sister…

SENSUS: Belina the Beautiful?

CAESAR: That's her, a face that could launch a thousand ships.

SENSUS: And Shadana the Personality?

CAESAR: I think her name says it all. Besides I’m married!

SENSUS: Fedux, please wait in the anti-chamber for a return message.

FEDUX: Very well, my Lords. Ave.

FEET RUNNING AND FADING.

CAESAR: This is serious.

SENSUS: I do have a solution, Lord Caesar.

THEME OUT.

END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones