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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:So the last thing we were sharing was about learning about internal worlds. And not just that that's a thing, but that we have power to make changes in our internal world or internal landscape. So one of the things that we talked about was putting in a bell. And what I mean by that is in our particular internal world, there's sort of a farm setting because that's where we grew up. But across the pasture is a safe house that was a safe house for us when we were little.
Speaker 1:And we're trying to kind of keep that a safe house, right? But on the porch is a bell, and that's where she used to ring the bell to call her husband in from the fields, like for dinner. And so I thought, what if we put a bell in the pasture or in other places to sort of say, this is a safe place to gather or to sort of lead the way to this safe house. Like we are not so far advanced yet that we can just go in rescuing people, but we're getting closer to that. And we're trying to start recognizing where people are and what's going on.
Speaker 1:And so that was the bell idea. So one thing I talked about in the last podcast with the bell idea was that we had to be careful with things like that, because what if something triggered someone else that we didn't know was a triggering thing for them? And so we want to be sure that any changes we do within our internal world, like inside on the landscape, is okay with everybody. And so we do need to talk to everybody as much as we can, which is really hard for us because we're new to being able to do that. But double checking that everything's okay and getting feedback in the ways that you can is really helpful.
Speaker 1:So one of the things that we got feedback about was that while the bell for us, for our system, is not necessarily a particular trigger, it may be that not everybody inside knows they can hear a bell. So the reason for that is because the body is actually deaf. We have cochlear implants, which means that we can hear pretty well now one on one. It means I can do things like a podcast, but it also means that there are younger ones that don't know yet that we can hear or how to hear with the cochlear implants. And so we also need, besides the bell, even though that's an okay idea, we also need something visual for our system.
Speaker 1:And so after group on two so after group the other day, when we had learned about all of this, one of the ideas that we had was Christmas lights or holiday lights, how whichever way you wanna say For us, Christmas is less triggering than the other. But our therapist in a session a while back helped put Christmas lights in one of the rooms for one of the littles who did not want to be left alone in the dark. So we're trying to get her out of that room, but even while we are still doing the work of learning how to do that, we can at least make her feel more safe and comfortable and less alone. And so we put these Christmas lights up, we hung them up in her room so that she would remember that the therapist is real, so that she would know now time is safe, and so that we could find her again, and all these different pieces for the reason that was helpful, right? So John had the idea of what if we put up more Christmas lights in other places?
Speaker 1:And then he took a step further because he saw the movie A Quiet Place with the husband. And I don't know if you've seen that movie or not, and I'm not trying to trigger anybody or give away the movie, but the movie has in it, it's kind of a scary movie, but we thought it was super fun. But the movie has the main character is a girl with cochlear implants. And for different reasons, you'll just have to watch the movie, but for different reasons, the family has on their land a system of Christmas lights that are all connected all around the property. And so we thought, what if we did a similar thing as in that movie, and it could work for us sort of as a warning system the way it does in the movie.
Speaker 1:So when there's danger or a threat or someone needs help, those lights can turn red. And when the therapist is helping or available or talking to us or people need to pay attention if they can or want to, then they turn white. So this is one thing that we've been working on. It's not finished yet, but we're getting it set up and it's kinda cool so far. And I think it's gonna be really cool.
Speaker 1:I think it's gonna be a good thing, but it's a lot harder work than I thought. And I feel silly saying that out loud because it seems like such small things, like such a tiny thing. But it's really kind of a big deal, and it's kind of hard work, and we kind of have to go to some creepy places to get the lights installed. And like, how does that work? Because I thought it was just all my imagination, but also it's like bigger than that, and it's more than that.
Speaker 1:And I really do not have the vocabulary or experience to explain it more than that. But that's what we've been working on this week. So we're working on getting this Christmas light system set up, both for warnings and for help, for knowing when to listen to our therapist and things like that. That's kind of exciting, and I'm glad we have a lot to do because it's about to snow here again all weekend, which means we're going to miss another session on Monday. So it's super frustrating because we keep missing sessions because of the weather.
Speaker 1:As you guys know, our therapist lives four hours away. And so takes an entire day to get there. And we get two hours for a session, which is amazing. And then we have to drive four hours home again. And so it's a big deal and we're on the road a lot, so we can't go if the road's not safe.
Speaker 1:And also it's a trigger for us because that's how the mother died. So we are really careful about being on the road and traveling, and that means we're gonna miss therapy this week, which is not cool at all. But also maybe cool because we're kind of in an intense and vulnerable space and feeling a little bit scared of therapy all of sudden, which is a new feeling, and I'm not sure what that's about. And I don't know whether to explore that more or just let it be or to tell her or not tell her. But I feel like because there's been a lot happening the last couple of weeks, we should totally just retreat and leave her alone because we need her long term.
Speaker 1:I don't want to burn her out now. So there's that. The other big piece that we've been working on, because of learning from this group we're doing about the need to communicate with each other and find ways to figure out how to communicate and at least meet each other and try to find each other a little bit inside, which again, at least from my perspective, discovering the whole internal world thing has for the first time kind of even made that possible. Like, I don't know how to do it yet. I don't know where everybody is yet, but at least the concept is there and I'm trying to figure it out.
Speaker 1:So one thing we did was start another notebook. Those of you who listen know that we already use just regular notebooks like spiral notebooks because we just have so much to get out and so we fill up one or two of those a week for therapy already anyway. And then we leave them with her and she reads them and we get a new notebook and write again and fill up another one. So while we're continuing to use the notebooks for our journaling, we also got an additional notebook that is for a specific project this time. Now, this is the first time we've tried this, so I don't know how it's gonna go.
Speaker 1:And also, please keep in mind, this isn't like something we accomplished in forty minutes to do a podcast. Like we have been working up towards this for a whole year, or really twenty years, depending on how you look at things. And it's been a very intense week while we've been in this group and while we're learning about the internal world. And so even just what we've done so far has taken all week to write out, but a whole year or twenty to prepare. So I'm not saying that it's that easy to get started, but we're finally at least to this place and have made it this far, and I wanna share what we've done.
Speaker 1:So one of the big things that's important for us, if you've heard the podcast that John has done talking about NTIS, which stands for Now Time is Safe. So now in the present, we are safe. Memory time, which is in the past, may not have been safe. And it may even feel like the present because there are some people who are still stuck in time. But as we become more present with our presence, which we learned from group today, we get more connected to what the now time is and get more of us connected to now time.
Speaker 1:But for us it's still new and we're still trying hard and we need that reminder. So we often have to write NTIS on our hand or in our notebook or as reminders around the place to keep that in mind. So at the top of the first page in the notebook, the new notebook that's for this communication exercise, we wrote specifically N T I S in big bold letters. I'll put a picture of it on the blog. And then we wrote it out, now time is safe.
Speaker 1:And then to be sure that anyone who saw this understood what was going on, we wrote a little bit of an introduction about our surroundings and our context in the present. Now this is an idea we actually got from one of Sarah Clark's videos on power to the plurals, and if I could find that video on her channel again, I will link to it. But I honestly have no idea what it was called, so I don't know if I can find it. I will try and ask them and see if they can tell me what the link is. But specifically, it's writing at the beginning of the journal, whether you're doing bullet journaling or a different exercise like this is, or any other kind, of including a front page that anyone could easily see just to orient them a little bit.
Speaker 1:So this says, Hello, this notebook is to get to know each other a bit. You can still write all you want in the other notebooks. If you are new or learning, we are safe. The parents are dead. We live in a safe place.
Speaker 1:The husband is safe. The children we have are safe. And we talk to our therapist and she is safe. You can text her or email or write, and then her contact information is there. And then the next page is like a questionnaire.
Speaker 1:It's basically like I'm wanting to interview some of them in a non intrusive, no pressure kind of way, and on paper, so that anyone who wanted to reply could do so in their own way, in their own time. So mine has 14 questions I thought of just as a starting place, and it says I mean, it asks about the name and the age, but then it says, where do you live? Can you see the rest of us? Can you hear the rest of us? Who do you already know inside?
Speaker 1:Who can you talk to inside? Who talks to you? Have you met or seen the therapist? Have you talked to the therapist or want to talk to the therapist? What do you like or not like?
Speaker 1:What do you need? What helps you feel safe? What do you want us to know about you? Is there anything else we need to know? And is there anything you're afraid of?
Speaker 1:So basically, it's 14 questions, and then we left it with pages in between each person's answer so that if we need to write or converse at all or if someone wants to go back and add something later, there's room to do that. So when I turn the page, there's one more sort of informational sheet with a few pages add as we go over time. And it says things we all need to know. And then again, the first thing is now time is safe. And it says memory time is in the past, it is not happening now.
Speaker 1:Now time is safe. Our new house is safe, the husband is safe, the therapist is safe, the children are safe, meaning the outside kids. And everybody's names and phone numbers are listed there. Well, the children's, they don't have phones yet. And then the next thing it says is, The mother and father are dead.
Speaker 1:If you hear or see them, it is memory time. They cannot get to us in now time. They are gone. They are dead. And then we wrote that anyone can talk to the therapist and anyone can write in the notebooks.
Speaker 1:Oh, interesting. And then here's someone who's added. Oh, interesting, I never would have thought of this. So someone has added that the therapist is really safe, but if you are in her office, you will sometimes hear sounds outside the door. Don't be scared.
Speaker 1:The receptionist has to sometimes make her lunch or do filing work, but she's really very nice and our friend. There are also other people who come to other offices in the same office building. So I guess just reminding us because we could startle or get triggered from hearing those sounds, I guess, so somebody knew that someone else needed to know that. So that's cool. I didn't even know that that was in there.
Speaker 1:Okay. So then the first entry that we actually got is from the good doctor, and she writes her name and she says she's 36 years old, and then she answered the questions like numbered one through 14. So that's kind of cool. Let's look. It says, number one, inside, I live in a library in the neighbor's house.
Speaker 1:It is a safe house. It's across the pasture if you follow the trail by the fence, the same as walking to the bus stop. In the house, the library is the second door on the left if you come in by the porch door. Oh, that's cool. So she even told me how to find her.
Speaker 1:I don't wanna find her. She's kinda boring, I also don't wanna hang out in the library, but there you go. You can get some directions. And then it says number two and number three. I did not know how to see or hear the others, but I do now.
Speaker 1:If I'm in the library, I cannot hear or see because it is quiet there, and I need it quiet to do my work. I have to leave my room to talk to the others, though both oh, and then she mentions two names. Both of them have slipped notes under my door at different times. That's crazy sauce. I didn't even know they could do that.
Speaker 1:And then she mentions that she's met me and that she regularly speaks with a different one and with John. And she sometimes sees the children playing, And the one who paints, she sees out on the porch. The others, only know about from the things these have said something or if they have come to visit the library. And then there's one particular I don't remember the name for that kind of altar but one particular job. That person is the only one who's ever come into the library.
Speaker 1:Okay, cool. I didn't know that that was a thing. Like this is blowing my mind this week. In fact, we hardly ever sleep very well, like a couple hours at a time and we are up through the night with nightmares and with internal dramas and not being able to sleep and since we've been working on this notebook we have slept for like fourteen hours a night. I am not kidding!
Speaker 1:So whatever is going on with all these Christmas lights and the bells and this notebook and the interviews, like, it's huge because it's totally changed everything and clearly worn us out because we are sleeping. Does anyone else get tired after doing therapy stuff? Okay, then question seven and eight is she says, I've met the therapist and spoken with her briefly. It's hard for me to find opportunity to do so. Oh, because we're always stealing time, think.
Speaker 1:That's it. I'm not very good at taking turns. When I do, I feel guilty for taking time for more important matters. I also try to stay out of the way because I don't want to think I am helping but really be messing things up. Oh, that's kind of how I feel about the bell and the Christmas lights.
Speaker 1:I'm also hesitant to reach out between sessions because I don't want to be more work when for her oh, the therapist, when she's already done so much for us. Okay. So what do you like? She likes quiet, bright rooms and books. Boring.
Speaker 1:And what does she need? She doesn't say anything she doesn't like. Probably just me. She's too polite to say so. Number 10.
Speaker 1:All I need is the morning hours to work so we can pay our bills and fresh vegetables. Eating well helps me think more clearly. Gross. I can't believe you put that in there. We do not need more vegetables.
Speaker 1:This one is like a vegetarian, you guys. And John and I are not vegetarians and we are hungry all the time, which, can I say, for the littles is kind of a trigger? So even though you may be laughing at us, it's actually a legitimate issue that we still have not worked out. So that's a whole separate podcast. Number 11, I feel safe when the bills are paid.
Speaker 1:I feel safe when others are okay enough I can sit and read. I feel safest at the hotel by the therapist's office. Oh burn. So does that mean she doesn't feel safe at the house? Like why is that or what does that mean?
Speaker 1:I don't even know. Like because it's too chaotic here probably. Because we have a lot of kids inside and out so we're probably just too noisy for her here. Number 12: I went to school, I work, I pay the bills. I don't even remember what question number 12 was.
Speaker 1:What do you want us to know about you? Oh, so she's the one who went to school, she's the one who has the job, which we do from home, and I pay the bills. Okay, yeah, she's the one who gives me my allowance, so let the woman work. What are you afraid of? I am afraid of helping too much or learning too much that I won't be able to function or work.
Speaker 1:I hadn't even thought of that. That's why she doesn't come around us. That's why she's not participating a lot. She doesn't want us to, like, mess up her ability to provide for us. I never thought about that.
Speaker 1:Okay. Do you see why my brain is exploding here? Like, why this is a big deal? Okay. So John did the next one, and it says okay.
Speaker 1:What are the questions? Where do you live? I live in the attic of the old house. And then answers two and three just say, yep. Yep.
Speaker 1:What? Oh, can you see the rest of us? Can you hear the rest of us? Okay. So he knows the rest of us, which makes sense with what his job is.
Speaker 1:He can that little dude can get around. Four through six. Who do you already know? Who can he talk to? Who talks to you?
Speaker 1:He wrote, I know everybody littler than me. I know everybody who was as little as me but grew up. Like the doctor and then me. I don't know all the grown ups. I feel like he just I know he's a kid, but I feel like once again he said something that just totally went over my head that I can't process right now.
Speaker 1:It's like I read it and then my mind went blank. Like, it got erased as fast as I read it. Number seven and eight. Have you met or seen a therapist or talked to the therapist? Oh, yeah.
Speaker 1:They're buddies. Okay. He wrote, I love her. She's my buddy. I always want to talk to her, but now I gotta share and take turns.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah. Yeah. He could just he could just see her all the time. What do you like, salsa? What do you not like kissing?
Speaker 1:Okay. That's funny. I feel like we're doing an unboxing except from ourselves. This is awesome. What do you need?
Speaker 1:Food. What makes you feel safe? Food. What do you want us to know about you that I am stinking smart? I didn't understand the question for 13.
Speaker 1:What are you afraid of? I'm afraid of the woods and those over there, so I don't want to be 13. 13. Yikes. Oh, and then he added something on the next page with a different date.
Speaker 1:So then yesterday he added, also I need pants. This is because of an ongoing drama about leggings. Some of us like leggings and some of us do not like leggings. And John is on the side of leggings are not pants and stop leaving me naked out in the world. Okay, so the boy needs some pants.
Speaker 1:We will keep that in mind. Oh, wow. Okay. So then a little wrote on the next one, and it's actually really hard for me to read. I mean hard like hard to understand what is written.
Speaker 1:I think I will skip this. I don't feel like I have permission to share her stuff. She likes stickers. Oh, that's good to know. The girl needs some stickers.
Speaker 1:So far, we need some pants and some stickers. Oh, she wrote a lot of pages. Her handwriting's bigger, though, so like, it's little handwriting, So it takes more pages. I'm gonna skip that. I don't think I can deal with that right now.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow. So here's another little. This one is eight years old. I'm not gonna say their name, but when we wrote number one about where do you live, this one wrote the town where we used to live when everything happened. Oh, she likes the Christmas lights we gave her.
Speaker 1:Is there anything else that we need to know about you? And she wrote, I am waiting for my father to come take me out of here. Oh, that's not good. Okay. Let's turn the page.
Speaker 1:I don't wanna try and do that. Okay. Here's another one. This one's from a 13 year old. Ugh.
Speaker 1:This is heartbreaking, you guys. I live alone in our house on the farm next to my grandparents' farm. It feels alone because my mother does not come to help me. Okay. That was a little more successful than intended.
Speaker 1:I didn't want to read that either. We're gonna skip again. Let's go back to more fun things. Six year old. Okay.
Speaker 1:Also not. I mean okay. So this is important stuff, and I'm glad it worked, but it's way too heavy for me and definitely not stuff for just revealing on the podcast. Right? So I'm gonna skip some things, but I'm glad it's working, and that's a big thing.
Speaker 1:And it gets really helpful, and I think we need to go over it with the therapist, and it's probably not public information for everything to put out here, And maybe even a little bit too much for me, like I'm feeling a little shaky now, but Oh, this one says, I don't want to tell you where I live because I don't want a bunch of scrawny little kids running around my place. I feel you. I feel you on this one. I didn't think this kind of stuff was gonna come out. I wrote on mine that what makes me feel safe are going out on dates.
Speaker 1:I need some dates you guys! Okay, I'll be quiet. I'll be appropriate. I've already been reprimanded. I heard that.
Speaker 1:Did you hear that? Maybe you can't hear it, but I sure did. Podcast is not for dating. Okay, so here's the one from the one that's the mom. Oh.
Speaker 1:So she knows about the podcast, and she's an adult. So we're gonna snoop in her stuff. She said, I'm 30 years old. Oh, I thought she was older than that. What?
Speaker 1:Okay. This notebook was shocking. It was helpful, but it was shocking. I cannot see the others, but I think I can feel them. I cannot hear them, but sometimes I think that I think I feel their feelings.
Speaker 1:I don't know if that's possible. What? Is that a thing, you guys? Can somebody feel the others inside, like their emotions or their presence, but not hear or see them yet? What?
Speaker 1:I only know people through the notebooks. The therapist says don't be afraid that they are good. I'm not good. I don't want to get a bad rap here for being good. Sasha, Sasha, Sasha.
Speaker 1:I have met the therapist and written in the notebooks a lot or talked to her sometimes. I don't know how to talk to her on purpose. Oh yeah, so she always is writing, I need to talk to you about this in our next session. And then she doesn't get to go because she doesn't know how to come out. So maybe that would be an example of trying to be helpful and give her a turn and help her get out to talk to the therapist because she's a hot mess.
Speaker 1:I mean I'm a hot mess. She's like an emo mess. I don't know. What do I like? I like things clean and organized.
Speaker 1:Messes stress me out. I don't like feeling out of control. It makes me feel anxious. I need people to pick up their own stuff when they are out and when they are finished with what they're doing, like dishes, crayons, toys, clothes, please. Oh, we're so busted.
Speaker 1:That's me. The dishes are me. I make snacks for the kids and the husband because I'm like, we need some real food here. And so I make fun snacks and then I just leave it because I don't want to clean it up. But apparently the one who does clean it up also doesn't want to clean it up.
Speaker 1:Teamwork. I'm gonna need more classes. I don't think one or two weeks of group is gonna be enough. I don't feel safe. I don't like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and then it always does.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's sad. What do you what do you want us to know about you? I want you to know I don't mean to be such a witch. Who? Oh.
Speaker 1:Also, I think it's my fault the mother was killed. I'm really sorry. Who? What? Okay.
Speaker 1:So it's true we were supposed to be driving her that day. This may be too triggering for the podcast. I don't know. We were supposed to be driving her that day, but we were super, super what do you call it? Like, sickness?
Speaker 1:We were pregnant, and we had morning sickness really bad. And so we could not drive the mother that day and didn't and then she got killed. So there's like they said she has like some survivor guilt or something and like it's her fault the mother was killed because she wasn't driving her. But it wasn't the mother's fault she was killed either, it was a drunk driver. So she needs to get over herself.
Speaker 1:Or, Ugh, I got in trouble for that. Like, yeah, we need to get her to therapy. Okay. Not funny. Sorry.
Speaker 1:We'll just skip this because that's a Debbie Downer. This one, It's fun to match. Like, I've seen people's handwritings in the other notebooks, but people don't always sign them. And so sometimes I see stuff in the notebooks, but I don't know who wrote it. But now because here we're doing these introductions, now I'm for the first time, like, able to match some names to some of the handwriting I see a lot.
Speaker 1:This one is a little girl who's 10. I can see the others if they are not hiding. I can hear them if they talk to me, but some do not know how. Oh, that's cool. She knows that.
Speaker 1:I know everyone. I run errands and messages for the oh. She's also friends with the one who paints. I didn't know that either. I know a lot of things and even told the judge.
Speaker 1:Oh, yay, foster care. Okay. I can talk to anyone I want if they say it is okay and if Taylor don't catch me. Oh, yeah. You guys, we had some Taylor issues over the whole drama with the family services over the holiday, the break holiday.
Speaker 1:That's probably why I was Taylor. So I don't even know how to go there or how to do a podcast about it without triggering the heck out of everybody. So we're still working on that, but we need to talk about it, at least with the therapist if we can't talk about it with our friends. I've seen the therapist two times, and I saw her downstairs one time. Oh she's the one who helped us find our therapist we have right now.
Speaker 1:So when we were first diagnosed the first time, like when we were 17, we were with a therapist who no longer is in practice now. But she supervised the therapist we have now. But I guess she was in supervision back when we were diagnosed the first time, and so some of us remember her from then, which is kind of cool, but not everybody remembers her. I don't know if that makes sense. What do you like?
Speaker 1:I like climbing trees and swinging and coloring. Cool. I do not like shoes. What? Okay.
Speaker 1:Shoes are not for tree climbing, I guess, is what we learn from that. What do you need to feel safe? I need to keep the therapist and not lose her. Oh, sadness. We've lost so many people, you guys, you know?
Speaker 1:Therapist helps me feel safe. Hiding helps me feel safe, and the bear helps me feel safe. See, again, another one that's hiding on purpose, which is different than just being stuck from trauma. I mean I know it's still because of trauma but like some of them feel safer there so when we're talking about changing internal world landscaping or whatever the words are like we need to be careful because not everyone just wants a field of sunshine and sunflowers and horses. Like, some people want to be able to hide.
Speaker 1:So when we're making safe places inside for everybody, that needs to include places that are safe for hiding, but in safe hiding places. Does that make sense? As opposed to being, like, trapped somewhere, I guess. What are you scared of? I'm scared of being punished.
Speaker 1:Aw, sweetheart. Here's the one from our painter. It's very brief, there's not a lot of words, but there's a nice little doodle at the top with a kite and some flowers. I live in the attic. I can see and hear what happened to them.
Speaker 1:I send pictures to the therapist if I draw or paint what they remember. Oh, that's totally true. If we're having trouble with a memory, she can draw or paint it out to relieve some of the pressure. Does that make sense? But I don't like hurting when they remember.
Speaker 1:I need them not to remember because it hurts me. Oh, sad. Ugh. This is heartbreaking. This is really hard to look through.
Speaker 1:I am sister. I am nine. I have to share a room with my brother. I know John and Cassie and Taylor and Don. I can see and hear them.
Speaker 1:I saw the therapist once on accident. She helped me. She also told me I do not have to call my brother back. I do not like touching. I need my family not to find me.
Speaker 1:I do not feel safe. I am afraid. Oh, oh, my heart, you guys. If I were a nice person, I would be helpful here. This one has such fancy writing in cursive.
Speaker 1:I almost can't read it. I don't know if I know how to read cursive. I'm 36 years old. I live in the chapel. This is where I wait because it's where I used to work, but I don't know where this is in relation to the others or how to get around to them.
Speaker 1:I have seen and heard the others at times and I'm eager to be of some use or help in some way, but am unsure how to proceed. I saw the message that John is trying to deliver newspapers inside and the important idea of writing these introductions. I it's hard to read. I am glad to help with that. I would also be glad to escort him if there is any place he needs to go but doesn't want to go alone.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's nice. That's way nicer than me. I'm not going to no creepy places. I have met the therapist and found her helpful and reassuring. I feel much more grounded or centered after speaking to her or even reading her messages to us.
Speaker 1:I like helping, contributing, reaching out to those who need help administering in some way. I do not like anyone being bullied or excluded. Unless legit. Yay. Social justice.
Speaker 1:I need more instruction on or protocol or directing directions as to what would be helpful, then I don't mind doing it, but I am not confident in initiating in this case because I am not sure how it works internally or what would be helpful. I feel safe because I know who God is and because he has said more than anything else, do not be afraid. Well, I'm okay. Moving on. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh, Emma. Okay. So if you have listened to the podcast about the three Emmas, she actually talks about some of this right here, like she went off like a regular journal. I don't know if she knew what the journal was supposed to be for. I don't know, but let's read, shall we?
Speaker 1:My name is Emma and I oh what? Okay this is what it says. I'm just whatever. The three Ms. Here we go.
Speaker 1:I thought it was Emma Z and I was 19. I thought it was Emma T and I was 23. But I also know it is Emma S and I am 36. I remember all of this at once as if all of it is true at the same time. This is new for me.
Speaker 1:I am three of me, not me, still me, and only me all at once. Okay. She's crazy. Honey, what? It is new for me to see them.
Speaker 1:I have always heard them. But now also, I remember that I did before even know them. I remember the first therapist teaching me more about them. I could talk to them, but now I feel shy somehow, like if they will not remember me or somehow it wasn't okay anymore to have such childhood fantasies. I can assure you this is not a pleasant fantasy in which we live.
Speaker 1:Okay. I've seen the therapist. She is very patient with me when it is hard for me to talk. She does not act irritated or angry at me. She lets me ask questions and tell her things.
Speaker 1:She is helping me. I like Oh, she is answering the questions. Okay. I like staying home and being with my children. But now I also remember I like to run.
Speaker 1:Oh, not run like Don, like in a five k. I mean, we're not cool runners like in a marathon or something. We're not legit runners. That was her thing. She used to run every morning and we did a lot of five k's, which was cool for me because shocker if you don't know they have beer at the end of the run.
Speaker 1:So it turns out even I would run for beer. Except we don't drink any alcohol anymore at all for like nine years you guys. In fact our sobriety anniversary is coming up but I'm telling you back in the day I would run for beer. Well she can run and I would drink the beer. How's that?
Speaker 1:Okay. Focus, focus, focus. Where were we? I had friends and I played softball and volleyball and that was not me, but it was. I remember it now.
Speaker 1:I don't like other things I remember. When I remember being Emma Z, there are many things I remember about trying to be on my own and homeless and not always safe. I remember running away when I was 17, life was hard. I remember the therapist telling me about DID and being scared and sad. I also remember with MST, and I even had to talk to the husband about it.
Speaker 1:But then he said he already knew, and we had safe rules for everybody to have what they need. But I was shocked, and it was hard to remember, except then I did remember and was okay with it, but was uncomfortable with him because I remembered that I did not want to marry a man. Who? I only dated girls. Also la dee da.
Speaker 1:Also, there were others who were I also kept ending up in relationships with alcoholics. So true. We stopped drinking because we made a promise not to because we wanted to get out of the world of dating other people who were alcoholics. I don't think that we were an alcoholic. I don't think that we had a problem stopping, but I will tell you that when we did stop drinking, this is me talking, I'm not reading this right now.
Speaker 1:I will tell you that when we stopped drinking alcohol, it was shocking to see how many friends that we lost because they could not function without alcohol. And so just because of a series of domestic violence relationships, we decided and committed to no alcohol at all, and it has greatly improved our friendships and relationships. So the husband does not drink at all any alcohol, zero alcohol, we do not drink any alcohol, we are not alcohol haters in fact I myself as Sasha would be entirely jealous if you get to drink alcohol and I do not. But we have stuck to the promise and kept the deal, our end of the deal, so that's legit but that's where it comes from because all these people we were with were alcoholics and they could not function with alcohol. The other thing she writes that was also true was that all of them were also abused.
Speaker 1:And so for whatever reason, I don't know if you guys have experienced this, we found ourselves in this crowd of very sick people who were not well. And I don't mean like the online groups where a bunch of people are trying to support each other as they themselves do the hard work of getting well. I mean, like, these were people who had not started the process yet, and it was very hard and very enmeshed and very much trauma drama, and we had plenty. And so we finally just withdrew from that as a whole. So I guess she remembers that when we were dating and drinking and had all the fun that I wanted.
Speaker 1:So a shout out to Emma T, who used to be my best buddy. And now where is she gone? Abandon me, that's what? I don't even know what to do about it. The therapist has already said we're gonna have to talk about this because I'm not being very nice about it, but I feel like my friend is gone.
Speaker 1:Except she's not gone, but it's weird, and I don't know how to respond to it yet, but that's a whole different podcast. I have never even kissed him. I also I do the kissing, you guys, and now she knows it. I feel so badly about it and so conflicted. Worse, I realized someone else who isn't me is doing that with him, and I don't know who or what to do about it.
Speaker 1:That's me, you guys. I'm the kisser. Okay. I'm not laughing because it's funny nor do I mean to mock her. I am laughing because I feel like I've been caught red handed, except I'm not doing anything wrong.
Speaker 1:Mostly, like, that relationship is so platonic. Like, she doesn't even know because just our range okay. This needs to be I need to make a list of all the different podcasts we could talk about just from what I learned today. Like each of these things is a huge other topic. So I know I am very happy with the husband, even if it's platonic.
Speaker 1:And remembering those other relationships that were so violent and dangerous and scary, I'm even more grateful for him. So he and the therapist helped me feel safe. The children helped me feel safe. Blankets helped me feel safe. Oh yeah, it's a rainy, snowy day, so who doesn't love blankets today?
Speaker 1:Yes. Being at home or at the therapist's office helps me feel safe. What am I afraid of? I am afraid of what I don't know. You and me too, sister.
Speaker 1:Is that all? Oh, wow. Here's a poem just all by itself, like, the very end. It says, wow, this is really tiny writing. I am dreaming all of this dreaming, lost in a box in the dark watching it all happen to me, growing up without me, hearing them scream, seeing them cry, feeling them shattered as I was torn to pieces, ripped apart by horrors I can't see or speak, and no one coming to stop it or to help or comfort or rescue.
Speaker 1:Even God could not save me. Now a light of hope cannot be real. A voice of help cannot be there. It must be a dream worse than any nightmare I have already lived. I do not even know what to do with that!
Speaker 1:Okay, so that's what's in the notebook so far and clearly it's going to take me some time to process this and I need both a beer and a therapist right now. That's what this has done to me. I don't even have words for how I feel. Like part of it's overwhelmed, part of it is like sick in my stomach, part of it is completely delighted, part of it is like excited that it's actually working, and part of it is terrified because it's working. I don't even know how to process this.
Speaker 1:We're just going to let it sit and I'm going to stop because I need to go freak out right now. Thanks for listening! Bye! Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this.
Speaker 1:Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemspeakcommunity.com. We'll see you there.