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We’ve all done it. We have said something like “Wow, Brian is the best. He is such a good kid.” You may think there’s not a thing wrong with that statement. But what about this one, “Geez. Brian is the worst. He is such a bad kid.” While we wouldn’t think to say that about or to a kid, we should at least recognize that both statements exist on the same spectrum of thought and action.
But what’s the worst part of thinking about someone (or something) as being bad? Well, bad things don’t go back to being good! Nothing in your refrigerator that goes bad gets good again, no matter how many Bible studies those cartons of milk attend!
There is a permanence to our thinking and words that we need to be extra careful of when it comes to how we speak to and about our mentees!
We know there is a lot at stake when we read James 3: “We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.
Here are three things to remember that will help us shore up the intentionality and shore up the effects of our words:
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- Choose Your Words Wisely. Think before you speak. Remember that in some ways, your mentee is like a court reporter – remembering every word you say on the recorder in their brain. In other words: Know your audience! Realize the context! Read the room!
- Your Intent is Hard to Measure. How many times have you had to say, “that wasn’t what I meant!” or “I was just joking.” Speaking of the courtroom once more, our intent is a very weak defense. It doesn’t matter what we meant to say, it only matters what our mentee heard!
- Be Able to Say, “I’m Sorry.” This valuable reminder needs to be a part of every Mentoring Minute episode. Our mentees learn more about what it means to be a Christian during times of conflict and restoration than they do when times are easy, and everyone is friendly, and circumstances are optimal. Be transparent. Model a peacemaker mentality and approach to relationships.
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There is no such thing as a “bad” kid. There are, unfortunately, some very unhealthy kids out there who had to endure trauma or abuse and who lacked the basic care and attention that many of us enjoyed during our formative years. Let’s commit to loving our mentees well and remembering OUR WORDS MATTER.
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring organizations through resources and relationships to love God, love others and make disciples. Learn more at you can mentor.com or follow us on social media. You can mentor.
Speaker 2:Hello. You can mentor a listener. This is your friend. I hope we're friends. You know what I mean?
Speaker 2:I say that. And but listen, friends, you know, they they're there for each other. Right? So I hope that you know that I'm here for you. Anyway, I'm gonna keep using that that way to to just kind of relate to you if that's cool.
Speaker 2:You're my friend and, and I'm your friend too. So let's let's hang out sometime. Where were we? Oh, yeah. I'm John b and this is your mentoring minute.
Speaker 2:So 2 words that hold a lot of truth. You ready for this words matter. I believe it to be true. I hope you do as well. We've all done it.
Speaker 2:We have said something like, wow, Brian is the best. He is such a good kid. And you may think that there's really not anything wrong with that statement. But what about this one? Jeez, Brian is the worst.
Speaker 2:He is such a bad kid. You know why we wouldn't think or say that about a kid. Right? We should at least recognize that both statements exist on the same spectrum of thought and action. But what's the worst part of thinking about someone or something as being bad?
Speaker 2:Okay? And I use bad like I'm I'm making an air quote here. Okay? I hope you can see that. Well, bad things don't go back to being good.
Speaker 2:Right? Are you following my train of thought here? Nothing in your refrigerator that goes bad gets good again. No matter how many bible studies those cartons of milk attend. Right?
Speaker 2:They're just gonna go bad. And what do you do with things that go bad in the fridge? You throw them out. So get this, there is a permanence to our thinking and to our words that we need to be extra careful of when it comes to how we speak to and about our mentors and mentees. If you're a mentee, definitely, I'm telling you, don't say bad things about your mentor.
Speaker 2:But but mentors most specifically as we talk about our mentees, just wanna take a moment to say that this is something that I really value as a parent and as a husband as well. Me and my wife, we just made a commitment early on in our marriage, kind of surrounded you know, when you're young and you're with all your friends and everybody's getting married, but you're still young, so you do and say things that you probably shouldn't. And I can just remember there being, like, this time when it would really bug me when someone would speak critical of their spouse. And I will tell you this, it still does. Okay?
Speaker 2:And to be honest with you, I just don't like when people are ugly anyway about anybody, but especially the person who is most important to you. So for me and my wife, we just kinda made a commitment to say, we are we're gonna consciously be aware of how we speak about each other because we can be bugged by each other, and and there might be a chance when we're talking to a family member or to a friend. And we really do have if we're not careful, we can say something that that we probably shouldn't about each other. So we really fight for that. We really want to make sure that we understand that our words matter.
Speaker 2:Well, you guys, the same thing needs to be said about our mentees as well. And so this is kind of the spirit in which I present this idea to you in this Mentoring Minute that we know there's a lot at stake because we can read something like James 3, and it says, we all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. When we we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example.
Speaker 2:Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they're actually steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. So we know the power of the tongue. Right?
Speaker 2:We know the power of what we say. We know that words matter. So here are three things to remember that will help us shore up the intentionality and shore up the effects of our words. Number 1, listen to this mentor, choose your words wisely. Think before you speak.
Speaker 2:Remember that in some ways, your mentee is like a court reporter. Right? Remembering every word that you say on the recorder of their brain. In other words, know your audience. Realize the context.
Speaker 2:Read the room. Choose those words wisely. Number 2, and get this, I really like this point and wanna drive this home, and I hope that you're you're that you're nodding your head as I say this. Your intent is hard to measure. How many times have you had to say to someone, oh, that wasn't what I meant, or, hey.
Speaker 2:I was only joking when I said that. Your intent is hard to measure. Speaking of that courtroom once more, your intent is a very weak defense. Right? Oh, wait.
Speaker 2:Wait. Wait. I didn't mean when I said this, I I I I didn't mean that. I actually meant this. That's a really hard defense.
Speaker 2:It doesn't matter what you meant to say. Right? It only matters what your mentee heard. And 3, be able to say, I'm sorry. This valuable reminder actually needs to be a part of every mentoring minute.
Speaker 2:Right? Our mentees learn more about what it means to be a Christian during the times of conflict and restoration than they do when times are easy, and everyone is friendly, and circumstances are optimal. So be transparent. Model what it it means to be a peacemaker, that peacemaker mentality, and take that approach to relationships as well. Right?
Speaker 2:Model that for your mentee, and make sure that they don't miss it. Asking for forgiveness is not easy, but it's also super empowering when you understand just how considerate it is to say to a person, you know what? Even though I said this and I didn't mean it, I am so sorry for not choosing my words wisely. I'm so sorry for how my words made you feel. Right?
Speaker 2:Taking that time to connect it. Not to say, I am so sorry that you misunderstood what I said. That is so different than saying, I'm sorry for the words that I used that made you feel this way. That is owning your words. Right?
Speaker 2:And so make sure to do that. Listeners, there is no such thing as a bad kid. There's those air quotes again. They are unfortunately, there are some very unhealthy kids out there who had to endure trauma or abuse or maybe who lacked the basic care and attention that many of us enjoyed during our formative years. So with that in mind, if I could just ask that you would commit to loving your mentees well and remembering that our words matter, I think that you will be so effective as a mentor, that you can practice that type of patience, that you will choose your words wisely, that you'll understand that intent has very little to do with anything that your mentee is hearing.
Speaker 2:And when you do make a mistake, because you will, because you're a human being, that you will be able to apologize and that you will be always seeking to be a peacemaker within that relationship. Remember your words matter, and also remember that you can mentor.
Speaker 1:Thanks for tuning in to the You Can Mentor podcast. Please share this with other mentors and download our free resources on our website. You can also order Zach's book, You Can Mentor, or John's book, Mephhibsheth, on Amazon. Lastly, we'd really appreciate it if you gave us a 5 star rating on whatever listening platform you are tuning in on. If you'd like to connect with us further, please contact us through our website because we're always looking for new guests or connections.
Speaker 1:Thank you. And remember, you can mentor.