Deny the Undeniable

5:15 on a wet afternoon. It hadn't rained; it was just wet. Dick Clever enters Pierre Pousson's famous bakery to question Pierre himself. Confronting him over the fish finger packet and the Cod Piece Murders. Will he deny the undeniable? Or will the undeniable need to be denied? It's all rather confusing and befuddling, but at least Petra is having a good time.

What is Dick Clever?

It's a classic tale. A lone detective, a dark town, and a victim with a cod piece stuck in their ear. It's the sort of murder that could turn one to drink, to shun society and start a jazz band in his mother's basement. But not Dick. A man who's not quite Poirot, Sherlock, or Jake Peralta, but a man whose very much...well, Dick. Accompanied by a pallet of colourful characters, sharp tongues, wit and humour, we follow Dick and co on a bizarre journey to find truth, justice, and just how long a telephone cord really is.

(Dick Clever, Episode Eleven, Deny the Undeniable)

THEME / JAZZ HORN UNDERNEATH:

DICK: 5:15 on a wet afternoon. It hadn't rained, it was just wet. We had just
entered Pierre Pousson's famous bakery to question Pierre himself. I
just confronted him with a fish finger packet with his name all over it.
It was time to conclude this investigation into the cod piece murders.

THEME OUT.

DICK: So, Pierre do you deny that this is your fish finger packet?

PIERRE: 'ow can I deny it, it 'as my name all over ze packet, look 'ere, Pierre!
And 'ere Pierre's Pousson's famous fish fingers and 'ere Cod Pieces
battered by Pierre 'imself. My name is Pierre, I am the one who
battered, therefore, it is mine!

DICK: Don't try to deny it.

PIERRE: I am not denying nothing.

DICK: When you say you are not denying nothing, are you saying that you
are not denying it or that you are denying it?

PIERRE: Oui!

DICK: I'm glad we cleared that up.

PIERRE: So am I. Probationary Constable Petra, I noticed that you had an eye on my buns.

PETRA: I apologise for the lack of subtly, but…they do look, firm.

PIERRE: Ah, that they are. Here, please have one.

PETRA: Thank you.

PIERRE: But not for you, Detective Dick, asking all these absurd questions.

DICK: Absurd questions, Pierre? We are talking murder and the worst type.
Ones with crumbed fish involved.

PIERRE: 'Ow could you suspect me? Uh? Why would I kill people and leave a
fish finger, my fish finger? Would that not point ze finger back at moi?

DICK: Not unless you wanted to throw suspicion off your trail by throwing it
on in such an obvious way, and you could just be of that ilk.

PIERRE: But I do not use ilk.

DICK: What?

PIERRE: With the big horns, I do not use ze ilk.

DICK: But you do use mousse.

PIERRE: I do and it not only tastes great and chocolatey but it keeps my 'air in
place?

DICK: I see. Can it take out the grey?

PIERRE: For me, oui, for you it may be touch and go.

DICK: Who else has access to your fingers?

PIERRE: (CHUCKLES) Well, half of the women….

DICK: Your fish fingers?

PIERRE: Ah, zat is a different matter. Anyone who purchases them from ze
store and my distributor.

DICK: Who is?

PIERRE: Monsieur Cecil Lardbottom.

DICK: The Cecil Lardbottom?

PIERRE: I did not know that "ze" was his first name. I thought that it was Cecil.
But I think there is only one Lardbottom in town.

JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: He was right. This town was only big enough for one Lardbottom and
then only just. Cecil Lardbottom was a self-made man. He started
with nothing and grew into the giant he is today. He was a man larger
than life and believe me, he was large, he liked it that way. Why have
cake when you can the whole goddamn bakery? Speaking of bakeries,
Pierre had little to hide. Particularly wearing that frilly apron women
so loved. So Petra and I went to see one Mr. Lardbottom.

JAZZ HORN OUT. KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENING.

BUTLER: May I help you?

DICK: I'm here to see Mr. Lardbottom.

BUTLER: Do you have an appointment?

DICK: We don't need one, read this.

BUTLER: Yes, sir. This entitles the bearer to one free massage with Salty
Sal.

DICK: Sorry, this one.

BUTLER: Detective Dick Clever. Ah, the constabulary. Very well, please come in
sir.

PEOPLE ENTERING AND DOOR CLOSING.

The young lady, is she your daughter?

PETRA: Why, thank you.

DICK: This is Petra Pattinson, a Probationary Constable.

BUTLER: Very good, sir.

DICK: Very good indeed.

BUTLER: I'm sure she is. Please wait here and I'll announce you to Mr.
Lardbottom.

DICK: Thank you.

MONEY BEING PASSED.

BUTLER: Thank you, sir.

PETRA: I don't think you tip butlers.

DICK: Really?

BUTLER: Mr. Lardbottom will see you now, sir.

DICK: Thank you. And what’s your name?

BUTLER: Butler, sir.

DICK: I know what you are. I’m after your name man.

BUTLER: It is my name. Eugene Butler.

DICK: Oh, I see.

BUTLER: Where name and profession meet.

DICK: I guess you're glad your name isn't Pat McGroin.

BUTLER: Oh, so you know the McGroin family, Sir?

MENACING CHORD. DOOR OPENS.

Detective Dick Clever and Probationary Constable Petra Pattinson, Sir.

LARDBOTTOM: (VERY JOVIAL) Well, hello Detective Clever, your reputation precedes
you.

DICK: As do certain parts of you.

LARDBOTTOM: Why thank you. And you must be the charming Petra.

PETRA: Thank you, Mr. Lardbottom.

LARDBOTTOM: Please, call me Cecil. Now what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?

DICK: We need to know what you know of the Cod Piece Murders.

LARDBOTTOM: Not much more than one reads in the papers.

DICK: Are you the distributer for Pierre Pousson's Fish Fingers?

LARDBOTTOM: I think that is one of our lines. Would you like me to check?

DICK: Humour me.

LARDBOTTOM: Why certainly.

MUSIC AND JINGLING

DICK: Why did you just dance?

LARDBOTTOM: You asked me to humour you.

DICK: I meant, can you find out about the fish fingers?

LARDBOTTOM: Oh, very well. Let me see, fish bones, fish cakes, fish dishes, yes here
it is, fish fingers.

DICK: So you don't deny it!

LARDBOTTOM: As I always say, detective, never deny the undeniable!

THEME IN AND OUT.

END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones