Pete Wright:
Welcome to How to Split a Toaster: a divorce podcast about saving your relationships, from TruStory FM. Today, looking inside the toaster.
Seth Nelson:
Hello, everyone. I'm Seth Nelson. And as always, I'm here with my good friend, Pete Wright.
Seth Nelson:
You might not like this one today. It's going to be self-reflection. Looking inside. What can we do to get through a divorce better? And we don't get to blame our soon-to-be ex-spouse, the judge, the lawyer, the mediator, the guardian ad litem. On and on and on.
Pete Wright:
I think this is so important. And I think it's important because, like you say, you list off all of these people who are in between you and your divorce. And it'd be so easy to reach out and say, "Things aren't going right because of them. Things aren't going right because they're in the way of the process. They're making it unfair. They're making it hard."
Pete Wright:
But my question for you is all about responsibility. At what point do you look at your client and say, "Hey. You've got to look inside, man. We're trying to move this forward. We're on your side. We're trying to make this happen. You've got to do the work."
Seth Nelson:
Yeah. And it's so easy to blame others.
Seth Nelson:
Now, let me be very clear. There is a lot of reasons to be upset with all those people that we just listed. I am not saying that they're perfect and it's all the person going through the divorce, okay?
Pete Wright:
That's fair. Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
I can return calls more quickly. Sometimes I get behind and I don't communicate with the client the way I should. So there are all sorts of things that people do that will let you down in this process.
Seth Nelson:
So one of them is, "What are your expectations of all those different individuals? Are they clear? Are they concise? Are they accurate," right? If you have an expectation that you're going to call a lawyer on Day 1 and that they're going to be able to devote the next week only to your case, that's not a reasonable expectation, okay?
Seth Nelson:
But really, I'm a firm believer in this. Life is about 5% what happens to you, Pete. And about 95% how you choose to respond to it.
Pete Wright:
I have a dear friend who's a therapist who says, repeatedly and often, "We are the grateful recipients of life's unfairness."
Seth Nelson:
Yes. You've said that before. It's a great, great phrase.
Pete Wright:
I just love it. Because that is, that gets to the nut of why we might be approaching this confrontationally, right? That things happen that are out of our control. And what do we have to do to go inside?
Seth Nelson:
And then, we put you in a legal system that, by definition, is adversarial.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Right. Does not care about how you feel.
Seth Nelson:
Exactly. So I would tell you, the first thing to do when you're having a tough time is, identify what the true issue is for you. Whenever we respond to someone and we are upset, it usually has to do more with us than with them.
Pete Wright:
Okay.
Seth Nelson:
And what I mean by that is, if I say something to you, Pete, that is a joke, you might laugh because of our relationship. And that joke doesn't strike a nerve with you. I could tell that same joke to somebody else and it might strike a nerve. Same joke, same words, but it's received differently. And that's all about the person receiving it. And in this conversation, we're saying that you're the one receiving the information.
Seth Nelson:
So when your lawyer tells you, "This process is going to take 6 to 18 months. I have some cases I can wrap up in two weeks and some that have gone on for five years." Okay? But if you were expecting this to be done in the next two weeks, but then list out all these other things that are very confrontational in your case, you might be upset about the process. Perfectly acceptable. But if you're mad at the lawyer for giving you straight talk, that's a different issue.
Pete Wright:
Mm-hmm (affirmative), mm-hmm (affirmative).
Seth Nelson:
Everybody is just terrified sometimes to get to yes. So make that list of what's important to you. When you're at mediation, you're going to get really upset at mediation. Because all the good mediators will tell you; and I had a judge say this in court the other day; "A good mediation is when both people walk away really unhappy." A good mediation's when both people walk away really unhappy.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
Because they've settled more than they thought they would ever bend.
Seth Nelson:
So I tell my clients, "You're going to be unhappy at the end of mediation. And we're going to settle your case."
Pete Wright:
And that's not a bad thing.
Seth Nelson:
It's not a bad thing. "You can stop talking to me. You can stop paying me money." I literally give people advice not to do things that would put money in my pocket. "Seth, I want you to go to court and I want you to do X, Y, and Z." And I'm like, "I'm advising you not to do that."
Pete Wright:
The whole process of turning around and recognizing when you're stuck in that pattern, though? When you're stuck in that pattern of frustration at the process, what do you notice about folks that are ready to look inside and say, "Okay. I get it, I get it, I get it. Seth, I finally understand what you've been telling me about the process and how hard it is. And I know I've been mad. I am now, I'm ready to turn myself over to, may it please the court?"
Seth Nelson:
I don't have those clients.
Seth Nelson:
No. I do.
Pete Wright:
We're in trouble.
Seth Nelson:
No. I do. I have clients that say, "I know what you're going to tell me. You're going to tell me that there's nothing you can do about this, that you're going to advise me not to do whatever I'm asking you to do. I understand that I'm just calling to vent and that this is not legal work and that you're charging me for it." If I hear a client telling me that, I'm actually pleased. Because now, I get that they understand the advice I've been giving them. Because now, their expectation is, I'm not going to fix whatever that problem is, that day, that week, that month.
Pete Wright:
Okay. So that is self-awareness, right? That's an example of self-awareness. That's what we're aspiring to.
Seth Nelson:
Exactly.
Seth Nelson:
Now, it doesn't mean that you're still not upset about it. But then, we turn it back and say, "Now, let's take that next step. I love the fact that you just called me and said, 'Seth, I'm venting. I know that this isn't anything that you're going to advise me to do. I know that you're billing me for this. I know that this isn't moving my case forward. But it makes me feel better.'" That's all good. The next step is, save your money. Don't call me and say, "Okay." Pretend like you're talking to Seth. Go listen to the podcast for free and get that advice. Or-
Pete Wright:
Yeah. You can even talk back to the podcast if you want. We're fine with that.
Seth Nelson:
Absolutely. You can throw stuff at the podcast. I don't know what you're going to do or how are you going to do it. But have at it.
Seth Nelson:
But that is then the next step, okay? And I certainly have had clients that have issues that bubble up over the years. And they will tell me, "I no longer respond the way that I did to my ex-spouse that I did when I first met you as my lawyer." Because time kind of heals all wounds. They've learned their own skills to deal with it. They have very low expectations. They realize that all the buttons that have been pushed over time are no longer working on them. The guy's worn him down. He's broken the button. It doesn't work anymore. So getting yourself to that point is very empowering, is very liberating. And it just makes your life easier.
Seth Nelson:
And people operate out of fear. So you have to really think about what your spouse is telling you that's riling you up, why they're doing it, and whether it's even true. "I'm going to fight and take the kids. You'll never see them again." When I hear a client tell me that's what their spouse says, I tell them, "That's just not going to happen. You don't have to call me. Whenever he says that, it's not going to happen."
Seth Nelson:
So I will tell you if there's something to worry about and get upset about. I'll be the first one to tell you, "We've got a problem." If I'm not telling you that, don't worry about it.
Pete Wright:
Don't worry about it. That's a funny thing. We operate, I think, generally, particularly coming as the Joe Nobody who hasn't been divorced and gone through the legal process of the divorce, I imagine that my amygdala is going to be on fire, right? The whole experience of going through the divorce is one of fear, like white-knuckle fear. And that causes me to fail to check my emotional jurisdiction, right?
Seth Nelson:
That's right.
Pete Wright:
Like, "I am not in a place of sanity." But I imagine that the more I go through processes, the more I can train myself, through experience, to move to the other side of it, to have these conversations and not be afraid.
Seth Nelson:
And that's what makes it hardest. You have to do it through experience.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
Which is difficult in and of itself. And let's add a layer to the fear is, they first say, "I'm going to take the kids. You're never going to see them again." And that starts to wear off on you. Like, "I know that's not true." And then, he ups the ante. "I talked to my lawyer and he said that I'm going to get the kids. They brought in a third party to validate it," right? And then, my phone blows up. "Oh, that's what his lawyer says." And then-
Pete Wright:
How often is that true? How often have you said to a client, "Don't worry. You're going to get the kids."
Seth Nelson:
Yeah. That's not how lawyers talk, okay?
Pete Wright:
Right.
Seth Nelson:
Okay? I mean, if you would've told me, at the beginning, if my client would have called and said, "His lawyer says that he's going to fight really hard to get the kids, it's going to cost a lot of money, and it really depends on the facts. And you never know what's going to happen. And this judge might be..." Like that's how lawyers talk. Then I would believe it, right?
Pete Wright:
Yeah, sure.
Seth Nelson:
And I am friends with some of my colleagues and I'm colleagues with some of my colleagues and I might not be their friend. But for the most part, I know the advice that they're giving. And I'll call them up and I'll say, "I wasn't there but this is what's been reporting. I'm just checking that you and I are on the same page on how we think the law operates in the great State of Florida." And they'll start laughing. And I'll be like... "Because I'm being reported. And I have a text message from your client to my client that says you told him that he's going to get 100% custody. And I'm thinking that's not true. Because in Florida, we use the word timesharing." Right?
Pete Wright:
Right. Right. Right. And because I know you as not a militant crazy person.
Seth Nelson:
Right.
Pete Wright:
Like we're on the different side of this conversation.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah. And so, when I have those conversations? And I explain this to clients. I want a good lawyer on the other side. Because a good lawyer's going to be like, "Seth. Obviously, I didn't say that. Let me go and talk to my client and try to calm this down. And let's quench this fire and not throw more gas on it." Good lawyers in divorce are trying to solve problems, okay? And the emotional aspect of getting people to be problem-solvers when their first reaction is going to be "No." Whatever the other person says? "No." And I'll be like, "Wow! That's actually not a bad idea. Let's talk it through. And I'm only going to advise you to do it if I think it's best for you." But being able to take that emotional check and put it to the side and then come to problem-solving all makes sense. It's just hard.
Pete Wright:
Well, I'm thinking about this in terms of... Well, for lack of a better word, moods, right? There's been a lot of work done on just the experience of moods and what moods bring to a conversation. And it's often dismissed, this idea of moods. Like, "Oh, I'm in a bad mood." It's easy to dismiss the whole idea. But being in a mood of antagonism, being in a mood of being just against the system, it's not in your best interest, right? Finding the ability, your inner spark, to come to the table in a mood of provocation, of curiosity, of generosity and grace, actually would work to your service in the divorce.
Seth Nelson:
And let's add one more. Empathy.
Pete Wright:
Empathy. Sure. Right. So I-
Seth Nelson:
Empathy to the other side.
Seth Nelson:
And here's what I mean by that. Sometimes I'll tell people, when they're calling me because their former spouse, three years later, is doing something absolutely inappropriate, has a new girlfriend and send you pictures of him and his new girlfriend. And it's just to get under your skin. That's the objective there. And I'm like, "Oh, my God. I feel so sorry for that guy." And my client just starts getting mad at me because it's like I'm taking his side. And they're like, "What do you mean?" And I said, "I actually feel sorry for him. Here he is, supposed to be in this new relationship, and all he can think about is sending you the photo. What's wrong with this guy?"
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Right.
Seth Nelson:
"Really? What do you think his new girlfriend is going to think about sending you the photo? Like, 'Haven't you gotten over her already? What's going on there?'"
Seth Nelson:
And then, sometimes I go, "Yeah. And he's the guy that wanted the divorce." Right?
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Right. Right.
Seth Nelson:
So my point of that is, "No, it's not appropriate behavior. No, I get how that can be upsetting. But if you turn it back on them to realize that there's something really going on wrong over there on the other side of that equation, then it's no longer about you. Right when you look at them and be empathetic, it's no longer about you and it calms your emotions."
Pete Wright:
Yeah, yeah. I can see that.
Pete Wright:
What I was thinking about, as you were talking about this, was trust. And there are a lot of things that you need to learn to trust in this process, not the least of which is your attorney, right? You hope that you go into a relationship with your attorney as somebody that you can trust. You've got to, at some point, find a way to trust the process, right? You're eventually going to have to trust the authority of the judge and the court if it goes that [inaudible 00:15:46]. Certainly, you're going to have to trust your mediator, that your mediator has the best interest of serving the process and separation.
Pete Wright:
I wonder if some of that antagonism comes as a result of that inner defensive mechanism of not finding trust in where the process is going. If it's out of your control, you just don't trust it yet. And so, it sparks that that antagonistic approach.
Seth Nelson:
Well, you raised a good point about trust. And I would differ with what you're saying a little bit, Pete. You don't have to trust the process. And what I mean by that is, this process is flawed. I never trust what's going to happen in court. I can tell you, very, very specifically, what the judge should do and what the law is. And, "When you apply the law to your case, here should be the outcome. This should be the outcome." And I'm going to give you a range. And sometimes, my range is very narrow and sometimes it's a little wider, depending on the complexity of the law and the complexity of what we'll just put in air quotes as "facts."
Pete Wright:
Right, right.
Seth Nelson:
Okay?
Pete Wright:
Air quotes is the best. Can somebody put that on a T-shirt?
Seth Nelson:
Yeah, exactly.
Pete Wright:
We'll put facts in air quotes. Yeah. That's good.
Seth Nelson:
Right. Because the judge might decide that's not the fact. The judge might decide that the valuation is wrong. And therefore, it skews the numbers. There's a lot of... Right? There's a lot of things that could go wrong.
Seth Nelson:
And judges get it wrong. Sometimes they get it wrong. And then, you have to go to an appeal court and explain to the appellate court why the other judge got it wrong.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
Okay?
Seth Nelson:
So I wouldn't trust that aspect of it. I think trusting your lawyer is key. But that trust has to be earned.
Pete Wright:
Okay.
Seth Nelson:
They need to be able to explain the law to you in a way that you understand it. They need to be able to connect with you. They need to be your lawyer, not your friend. But still making you feel like they have your back, right?
Seth Nelson:
And that attorney-client relationship is so important. Because I truly believe that, when people refer me cases that have been my clients before, it's not about the outcome that I got them. It's about how I helped them through the process. Because I've gone to trial and told the client, "Here's the range. I think we're going to lose this issue and it's going to be on his side." We've gone to court, we've lost it, it was on his side. And the client told me, "Seth, I'm still pleased with what you did. You told me that we had a very slim chance of winning this. And we didn't. But you were straight with me from the start." Right?
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
And if you can do that, you've set the expectations. So you should be, to help your fear, to help your anxiety, to help look inward, you should check your expectations. And one way to do that is to talk to your lawyer and says, "What should my expectations be?" If that lawyer is not helping you set expectations, we've got a problem. But in a way that communicates it to you.
Seth Nelson:
And part of being a good family law attorney is understanding that you need to meet your client where they are.
Pete Wright:
Sure.
Seth Nelson:
There's some clients that I know will have false expectations. Their first instance is "No." And I can talk them off the ledge in a very forceful way. "Stop talking. Listen to me." There's other clients I could never say that to. I'd have to say, "Hey. Let's talk this through. There might be a nugget here that we can build upon for your favor." But you understanding yourself and understanding like, "Okay. Where am I?"
Seth Nelson:
And the one thing, Pete, that you said, which I think about moods, is very important for people to understand is, "Where are you in the moment that you're having conversations or having difficult times? What is your mood?" I'll have meetings with-
Pete Wright:
Sure. A lot of people don't know, right?
Seth Nelson:
They don't know. And it can be as simple as red, yellow, green.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
"I am on fire. I don't want to deal with this." "Well, I'm more green. I'm ready to go. Let's get this done." Okay? I use that technique when we have team staff meetings. I will go around the table and say, "Where is everybody in their mood? Are you really here? Focused? Ready to knock out this case review we're about to do? Or are you like, 'Aah, I'm really stressed about other stuff?'" Because knowing that helps everybody else empathize a little bit with you and be like, "Hey. Seth's having a rough day."
Pete Wright:
Well, that is such a great point. And this is what I was getting to earlier when I talk about like moods being dismissed or diminished. The act of being aware of your mood at a given time, whether or not it's related to the case? You may be upset because your dog got hit by a car that morning. It doesn't matter that it's out of-
Seth Nelson:
You're really going to go with the dog getting hit by a car example?
Pete Wright:
Man.
Seth Nelson:
That's horrible.
Pete Wright:
I know. God.
Seth Nelson:
You could have come up with something not as traumatic. It could have been, "My teenager was annoying me." Because we can all relate to that, right?
Pete Wright:
Right.
Pete Wright:
Wait a minute. "My dog got hit by a car this morning but survived and was fine, but it was still really scary." How about that?
Seth Nelson:
No, no.
Pete Wright:
No? Too much?
Seth Nelson:
You're just, keep digging, bro.
Pete Wright:
All right.
Seth Nelson:
It could've been, "I'm really annoyed at my teenager, who left the back gate open, and the dog got out."
Pete Wright:
"And the dog got out." Yeah. No, that's good. I like that.
Seth Nelson:
Blame it on the teenager. Right.
Pete Wright:
Anyway. Whatever the case is. Or, "I got a bill that I didn't expect. My teenager used too much bandwidth." Okay.
Seth Nelson:
Right? Whatever.
Pete Wright:
Or whatever.
Pete Wright:
But knowing that, even though it came from outside the context, that influences your performance on any given day. And that is something that I think it's really important to be aware of and to constantly be asking that question. Not just of the people you're with and your team, but of yourself. And I think that's a, to me, that's something, it feels like, if we've learned anything from all of these episodes we've talked about, the closer a relationship you can come with yourself and bring to the table, the sooner your divorce process will be resolved.
Seth Nelson:
Absolutely. And it will just make it easier for you, right?
Seth Nelson:
So I tell people this all the time. It's so hard. "Live your life, not your divorce." So, "Give me 30 minutes a day to get some documents done. Can you give me 30 minutes?" Okay? But when you are out there with your girlfriends, have fun with your girlfriends. When they say, "What's going on in the divorce?" Like, "I don't want to talk about it. I'm here to have a good time."
Seth Nelson:
And it's not that you never share that stuff. But when you're in your lawyer's office and you need to get the documents. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. But what happens is, you always have to deal with your ex or something's going on. And you're living in the same house. So it's always right in front of you. So whatever you can do to set that aside and go live your life?
Seth Nelson:
And, look. You're hiring the lawyer to carry the heavy rocks. So ask them, "What should I be worried about? Tell me when I should be worried. In the meantime, I'm going to let you handle it."
Seth Nelson:
And I'm not saying ignorance is bliss. I'm just saying there's a time to focus on it and there's a time not to focus on it.
Pete Wright:
How does it work when... Or I should say, do you notice when, say, your client is being super introspective and aware and their soon-to-be former spouse is not, or vice versa? And do those sides generally balance out when you're coming to the table in a divorce process?
Seth Nelson:
I see it all the time. And it's not just one side or the other. It could switch on a day to day. It's not linear. People are going through grief. So sometimes, I'll catch a client and they're grieving and they're in the bargaining. "I just want this done, Seth. Get me out of this. I'll give up everything." And I'll be like, "Wow. Let's slow down." They might be in the fight mood. "There's no way. I want the blender. I want the toaster. I'm tired of giving. I've given enough. That is my favorite toaster. I bought it. It came from my parents for our wedding gift. It's mine." I'll have that. And then, I'll have the, just resigned to this. Like, "God. All right. Can we get me out of this?" And I'm always like, "Yeah, I can get you out of this. Agree to their last offer." And they're like, "Well, I don't want to do that." I'm like, "Well, there's the rub." That's what I deal with.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
So it comes and goes. But understanding that you can come and go.
Seth Nelson:
But when I have clients? And I have a lot of them. Because I talk about this with clients. They'll check in with me. They'll repeat this back to me. They'll tell me, "I'm getting better. I'm not where I need to be, Seth. But I'm getting better. And I can see the progress." And it might be a smidgen of a step.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
But it's happening, okay?
Seth Nelson:
So that'd be one thing. Check where you are. Go back to that list. Early on, in Season 1, we talked about making a list of what's important to you.
Pete Wright:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Seth Nelson:
If what the other side is trying to push your buttons on isn't important to you, but you're so wrapped up into it you forgot your list, go back and check. And then, if you realize, "Wait a minute. This now is important to me." We can change. That list isn't in stone. But make sure that this is something worth fighting about.
Pete Wright:
Take that list, pin it up over your computer, someplace where you look at it all the time, to remind you to internalize it.
Seth Nelson:
Right. Right.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. I just think about that when I talk about my, when I think about, when I'm in an argument with my wife, right? And I find-
Seth Nelson:
She's right.
Pete Wright:
Always.
Seth Nelson:
She's right.
Pete Wright:
Always.
Seth Nelson:
Right. Right.
Pete Wright:
And that's the whole idea. I find, when I am not checking in with myself, when I'm not coming to it with a mood of generosity and empathy, that her approach usually balances me out. We tend to find equilibrium when one of us does come from a mood like that. And so, I imagine that that holds true.
Seth Nelson:
It does. And the problem is, if one person is always doing the attack and the other one's always balancing, they get to the point where they're like, "I'm done."
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
"I'm done compromising. I'm done always doing the hard work. I'm not even going to be in a relationship."
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
You have a very good reason to try to work that out with your wife. You're still married and you don't want to be hiring me.
Pete Wright:
Sure.
Seth Nelson:
Okay? It's a lot harder when you're actually trying to separate your lives.
Pete Wright:
Right.
Seth Nelson:
And I'm not saying that the other person is right. Let me be very clear. It doesn't matter if they're right is my point. It's all about how we're going to deal with it, okay? Because they will do everything they can to scare you, to get what they want, to manipulate you. And why? Because they're scared.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
The other side is scared too. This doesn't happen on one side of the equation. Okay? They're scared of giving up control. Most cases end up settling, if you're dealing with this, when the playing field gets leveled. Somebody has more control in a divorce than the other. Maybe it's a person with a spouse or with the money. Maybe it's the spouse that has a better connection with the kids. But if I go to court and I get the spouse with the money having to pay some temporary alimony, and I just equaled that playing field and they just had to [inaudible 00:27:30] a check for $20,000 for my fees, and we kind of tapped, popped them once in court, maybe that changes the dynamics a little bit.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
Now, the reverse is true. You're the one that's been raising the children. You go to court on a temporary basis. And all of a sudden, the judge, on a one-hour hearing, gives the kids to your ex for every other weekend; Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night; and every Thursday overnight. Now, you just gave up 5 overnights out of 14. And you've been with these children since Day 1. Maybe we have to think about how are we going to settle this case now, right? That might even the playing field on the kids.
Seth Nelson:
And I'm not saying that any of the decisions that the judge just made were right.
Pete Wright:
Right.
Seth Nelson:
I'm just saying those are the decisions that have been made. And, "How are we going to respond as opposed to react?" And I think this with thought, response. Reaction without thought is really the key.
Seth Nelson:
And it's hard. I don't want anyone to misunderstand what I'm saying, Pete. This is not easy. People will tell you, dealing with death, a new job, moving, and divorce are the toughest things we deal with in life.
Seth Nelson:
And in divorce, you might be having to get a new job, you might be moving, and you're obviously going through a divorce. So that could be three out of the four, wrapped up in one.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Right.
Seth Nelson:
So I'm not saying this is easy. I'm just saying, "Take a deep breath. Let's think about this a little bit."
Seth Nelson:
And I'm going to tell you a trick. That's why I just paused. I'm going to give away one of my secrets here, okay?
Pete Wright:
Okay. Excellent.
Seth Nelson:
When I'm working with a client who gets really emotional, in every meeting that I schedule, I focus to review some of the numbers, whether it's a trial support calculation, whether it's equitable distribution, dividing up assets and values and debts and what the values are of those items, whether it's an alimony calculation. Because when you do math, it is the analytical part of your brain. And it cuts out of the emotional part.
Pete Wright:
That is so sneaky, Seth.
Seth Nelson:
So what I will do is, we'll be talking about kid issues. There'll be getting emotional. I've been there. I get it.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
And I'll say, "Look. Let's look at the calendar and go over the number of days." And I'll say, "Let's work out of a 14-day period, two weeks." Boom. I'll put it on the screen and I'll be like, "Count how many days you have here. I want to make sure I'm doing it right. Make sure we're communicating." And they'll be like, "Okay. Every other weekend. That's three, four, five, six. Yep." Boom. Just that little bit changes what's happening in our mind. And we can pause a little bit.
Pete Wright:
That's beautiful.
Seth Nelson:
Right?
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
And then, I'll show them different scenarios on what a 50/50 timesharing looks like. I said, "Don't worry about 50/50. That's not really your concern. There's 50/50 schedules, I promise you, he would not implement. Your kid is 10 years old. We've got eight more years. You get the first four, he gets the second four. We're not implementing that."
Pete Wright:
Right. That's a ridiculous 50/50. Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
Right. So there's little things that you can do, as silly as, "do some math in your head to calm yourself down" that no one would ever see when you sit there and do, "Two plus two equals four. Four plus four equals eight." It will help calm you down.
Seth Nelson:
Now, try it. If it works, great. If it doesn't work, you heard it from Pete. So that's what...
Pete Wright:
As goes with everything on this show.
Pete Wright:
This is great. I hope you're listening to this and you're taking some pieces away, particularly around this idea of introspection and respond, not react. We're trying to grease the skids through the divorce process. And doing the inner work is going to help you achieve the outer goal.
Seth Nelson:
Absolutely. And another thing I would tell you to do? It goes back to Season 1. Make a list. You've got your phone. Get a little note thing out, make your list, and be like, "Oh, this is bugging me." Put it in a list. "I'm going to talk to the lawyer about it." Or, "I have to get my new health insurance number" or whatever it is you have to do. And then, put it away.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
And go enjoy a glass of wine with your friends.
Pete Wright:
Thank you everybody for downloading and listening to this show. We sure appreciate you and your time and your attention.
Pete Wright:
On behalf of the fantastic Seth Nelson. Just handsome. Handsome Seth Nelson? I could certainly say that.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah. No. Well, I was thinking, I was waiting for the joke to drop after fantastic. That's why I was so quiet, which is so rare for me. And I was like, then you said handsome. And I'm like, "Yeah. It's a podcast."
Pete Wright:
There's the joke.
Seth Nelson:
You gave that one away. A face made for podcasts, you know? I mean, so.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. On behalf of the mind-reading Seth Nelson, I'm Pete Wright. We'll catch you next time on How to Split a Toaster: a divorce podcast about saving your relationships.
announcer:
Seth Nelson is an attorney with Nelson Koster Family Law and Mediation with offices in Tampa, Florida.
announcer:
While we may be discussing family law topics, How to Split a Toaster is not intended to, nor is it providing legal advice. Every situation is different. If you have specific questions regarding your situation, please seek your own legal counsel with an attorney licensed to practice law in your jurisdiction.
announcer:
Pete Wright is not an attorney or employee of Nelson Koster. Seth Nelson is licensed to practice law in Florida.
This transcript was exported on Jun 02, 2021 - view latest version here.
toaster_306 (Completed 06/02/21)
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