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Welcome to The Limitless Podcast with Deanna Herrin, your space to elevate every area of your life. Designed for ambitious souls and entrepreneurs ready to unlock their full potential, this podcast combines mindset mastery, leadership strategies, and transformational insights to guide you toward living a life of abundance and alignment.
Through empowering solo episodes and thought-provoking guest interviews, Deanna reveals the secrets to building confidence, creating meaningful success, and breaking through limiting beliefs. Whether you’re redefining your purpose or scaling your business, this is where the journey to your next level begins. Let’s shatter ceilings and embrace the limitless possibilities waiting for you.
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Website: http://www.deannaherrin.net
You are listening to the
limitless podcast. I'm your
host. Deanna Herron, what if you
had no limitations keeping you
from your dream life in 2016 I
had a major tug on my heart to
write a book about my story, and
in the process, I learned that I
had been operating with a very
faulty belief system for the
majority of my life. I've had a
huge transformation since then,
and my life's passion and
mission is to teach you how to
live a limitless life. Join me
on this journey. Let's get
started.
Hello and welcome back to the
limitless Podcast. I'm so glad
you're here. What an honor. I'm
so happy to be here with you on
this Tuesday. So if you're new
to this podcast, we talk about
all kinds of things. We talk
about your relationship in your
marriage. We talk about your
relationship with yourself. We
talk about your relationship
with money, your business, et
cetera, my job, my passion, my
mission, is to help you free
yourself of the constraints that
are holding you back in your
mind, those stories that we are
telling ourselves over and over
and over that are lack and
limitation that is not your
truth, my friend, because your
truth is you are truly
limitless. There are no
limitations that have been
placed on you, except for those
that we have chosen to believe
about ourselves. So welcome
back, divine, loves. I'm so glad
you're here. Today's topic is,
if you've been with me for a
while, you know that there has
been a tremendous amount of
healing that has happened in my
marriage over 33 years, and we
are in the best place that we
have been in our marriage, even
those really beginning years.
And all of the you know, love
and affection and all of the
butterflies in your stomach type
of love, we are in such a better
place than than we have ever
been. And it really is because I
went through my spiritual
psychology certification. It was
a two year certification, really
doing some inner work and
healing, and some things that I
needed to heal within myself,
within some relationships with
my mother, and some some other
relationships as well. After I
did that healing, I recognized,
wow, there's one relationship
that I really need to do some
work. I'm triggered here a lot.
What I find with women is that
we get triggered a lot when we
are entrepreneurs in business,
and we also get triggered in our
marriage. And so I think our
marriage is one of the one of
the biggest areas of our lives
where we are constantly being
triggered. And I want you to
understand that the basis of
everything that I do is every
relationship in your life is
here for you to learn areas
where you are not free, you will
continue to be presented with
circumstances and people that
will trigger you in a way that
lets you know I'm not free in
this area, and that actually
happened in my marriage, where I
recognized, wow, I've done all
of this work, but I'm definitely
not free because I was being
triggered all The time in my
marriage, and I made the
decision that whatever happens
in my marriage, and I definitely
didn't want it to go south, for
sure, but I just remember
thinking, whatever happens in my
marriage, I want to be whole and
healed in the fact that I'm
still feeling some triggers. I'm
not whole and healed. And I
began to do the work on myself,
releasing the stories that I was
making those triggers mean about
me, and it actually has
completely transformed our
marriage. Completely transformed
our marriage to the point where
my husband has started to do his
inner work, which that has never
been his forte, whatsoever, and
it's opened up a whole new
goodness, just avenue for us to
actually talk about healing, to
for him to feel safe about
sharing those things that he
feels and experiences, et
cetera. And those were never
anything that we would talk
about, and it has just brought a
whole different level of
intimacy. I share all of that
with you, to let you know that
wherever you are in your
relationship, it can change, and
even if you have been trying to
fix your husband and he just is
not willing to do the work, my
friend, you can heal you. You
can be a different person just
by doing your own inner work and
recognizing what those triggers
are meaning about you. Not only
is it going to help you, but it
will help your marriage in
tremendous amounts of ways.
Perhaps your husband will
decide, man, I need to do some
work my wife has has completely
transformed. Or perhaps there
will be a point in your marriage
where you realize you're just
going in two separate ways, and
I would recommend you do the
work before you make that
decision. I am not one that is a
proponent of leaving a marriage
unless there's harm in some way,
but there are situations where,
if you're growing and you're
healing and you're evolving, you
may have a decision that you
need to make. I share this with
you to share as. Mark and I have
been on this journey together.
There are certain things that I
have learned about the wounds
that we hold in our bodies, and
I'm talking specifically today
about the Father wound, and I
want to explain to you about
what the mother wound is as
well, because chances are you
have it as well. The majority of
the population does, and it's
fine nothing that our mothers
intentionally did to us, and I'm
sure that I've passed that on to
my children as well, because I
repeated what information I was
given, and you're going to do
the same. And that's how we
break the generational curses,
right? When we know better, we
can do better. So the father
wound is something that I really
started to understand that when
I was seeing it in my husband,
and I think sometimes when we
understand actually what they're
going through, we can see them
through a different set of eyes,
and different set of eyes with
compassion. And this has helped
me tremendously in my marriage,
because I was able to see my
husband through a completely
different set of eyes, and
knowing, wow, this makes sense.
There is a father wound there,
or there's a mother wound there,
and that's why this happens with
him, and there have been times
when actually we're having a
discussion, and I recognize
within my husband, while this
isn't my husband that's speaking
right now, this is actually the
seven or eight year old version
of him, and it just opens up
your heart for a different level
of compassion. You guys, men are
not taught to work on their
stuff. They're just not they are
taught to stuff their emotions,
dry it up. Get better. Okay, off
be strong. You're a man. Be
strong. And so if we can help
them along the way, we're not
responsible for their healing.
Please don't take that away from
this podcast, because that is in
no way what I'm saying, and will
ever say he's responsible for
his healing, but we can open our
hearts and have a level of
compassion and help guide them
in that direction. The purpose
of this podcast is to educate
you so that you can see what may
be happening within your
husband, but also to see what's
happening within you when it
comes to the mother, father
wound. Always, if you have gone
through my programs, any of my
programs with marriage or
mindset, etc, I'm always happy
for you to share that with your
spouse, whatever it takes for
the two of you to be whole and
healed. Remember, every
relationship is here for us to
grow and evolve, and you and
your husband have a divine
connection, and that divine
connection is for you guys to
grow and evolve together. That
is a different message than what
we've ever been taught in this
life, but that is the truth we
are here. You attracted this man
physically, I'm sure, but you
attracted him on a spiritual
level as well, and that's what I
want to speak to, is that
spiritual level, that spiritual
level is actually the bond that
you guys have, that you are here
to help each other grow and
evolve to your soul's mission.
And if everyone could see that,
I think we would be in a
different place when it comes to
how we react in our
conversations with our spouse.
So let's dive into this. Let's
look at the father wound and
what that may look like within
your spouse. But I also want you
to use it as what you may be
going through as well. So
there's a father wound. The
father the place in your life.
The father is the provider of
strength. The father is the
person who gives guidance. The
Father is our protector, and the
Father is someone who prepares
you for the world. Okay, so I
want you to think of that
strength, that protection, that
guidance, that prepares you for
the world. Now, some of you
right now may be saying, well,
my father wasn't that. That's
the father wound for me, my
father was physically not around
at three years old. I didn't see
him again until I was 18, and
then I didn't see him again
until I was 40, so my father was
not around. So I had some
abandonment issues from my
father. Those were the stories
that I made up about myself,
that I am abandoned now he
remember we are responsible for
what happens within us. The
other person is responsible for
their actions. All we're talking
about here is from the spiritual
perspective, is what our part
is, okay? So the mother, the
mother is our source of love.
The mother is the nurturer, the
one who gives affection and
really nurtures the heart. So
it's so funny that I'm actually
talking about this because we
have a brand new puppy within
the last week. And my goodness,
I have actually forgotten how
hard it is to have a puppy. It's
been 16 years since we have had
a puppy in our house, and I'm
going to tell you, it's very
interesting, because this dog is
supposedly my husband's dog, but
what has ended up happening is I
am the one to take care of this
puppy. And it goes back to the
mother, the nurturer, the source
of love, right? And the man is
the one that gives the strength,
the guidance, the protection,
and prepares you for the world.
So it's innate in us as women to
be their nurturer of all things.
And so I have put that mother
role on with this new little
puppy. And when it comes to the
nurture. Inside, my husband will
just hand the puppy over to me
and say, What does he want? I
don't know what he wants. And so
maybe you can relate to that.
When it comes to your children.
There are some men that do have
that, that nurturing ability,
but most men, they were
programmed, conditioned from
their family of origin to be
that person of strength,
guidance and protection. So a
father wound may look like this.
A father wound can look like
you're trying to be seen by
maybe a father that was
physically not there. Or you're
trying to be seen by a father
who was emotionally not there.
He may be present but maybe not
engaged. And this causes us
really to go into the mode of
proving our worth through
achievement. Yes, that's where
that comes from. We prove our
worth. Well, he's not here for
me. So if I do this, if I become
this, then I will get the
accolades. Then he will want to
say, Atta boy. Okay, so we seek
to prove our worth. In our mind,
the father represents the
authority, the source of the
validation. And so when that
father is absent, there's a
sense of abandonment, there's a
sense of a little bit of
coldness. And sometimes when
that father puts relentless
pressure on us, we actually lose
our sense of self worth. So
Father wound shows up as low
self esteem due to feeling
unworthy. The Father wound shows
up as someone who's an over
achiever seeking the father's
approval over and over but never
quite measuring up. That's how
it shows up for women. We seek
out unconsciously. So we're not
aware of this, but we seek out
unconsciously men who are
unavailable emotionally and
physically. See how that
measures up in your life. We
seek out men if we have a father
wound, we seek out men who are
emotionally and physically
unavailable for us. For men, the
father wound shows up as low
self esteem. They're chasing
worth and value. So think of a
man who's constantly seeking
affirmations. That's his love
language, that's what he's
always looking he's chasing his
worth and value. This in a man
could be a very masculine man,
or a man that has more feminine
characteristics. And what I mean
by this is more energetically,
the you know, the nurturing
side, etc, and more masculine,
more the strong you know, one
that is the res, the responsible
one, the protector, the guider,
etc. So I'm speaking more of
energetically than I am physical
when I say masculine and
feminine. So for men, they also
they won't have any boundaries
if they have a father wound, no
boundaries, and sometimes
there's too much openness.
They're either completely closed
off emotionally and physically,
or they're too open about
things. A man with a father
wound has a story, and the story
is a false narrative that says
I'm always doing something
wrong. And let me tell you, and
I I'm going to be very blunt
here, what men think, what men
think, what your husband is
probably saying in his mind,
not, I am always doing something
wrong. It doesn't sound like
that. And allow me to be
explicit here, a man says, I'm
always fucking up. That's truly
what he believes. He truly
believes. And he says that in
his mind over and over and over.
This is a man who did not get
his emotional needs met as a
boy, as a little boy, and when
he didn't get his emotional
needs met as a little boy, he's
in that over achiever mode. And
if he doesn't get the
affirmations, if he doesn't get
the approval, and if he feels
like he's constantly doing
something wrong, it doesn't
matter what you said to him five
minutes ago about how amazing he
is. It doesn't matter if it goes
into his trigger, he's
automatically going to erase all
of the wonderful things that
you've said about him, and he's
going to think that he is
totally messing up all the time,
all the time again. I'm not
sharing this with you so that
you can hold yourself back or
that you're responsible for his
healing. I'm sharing this with
you because I want you to be
able to see what's happening
within him. Okay? And like I
said, if you are in some of my
marriage programs or any of my
programs, I highly recommend
that you share it with with your
spouse. So here's what a man
looks like. This is how he
behaves in his relationship when
he does have a father wound.
Okay, so maybe you've noticed
this, and it probably has
triggered. You because remember,
it's a divine connection when
you feel triggered, that is your
opportunity, as you're being
taught, this is an area where
you are not free if you're still
being triggered. So one of the
things that happens with a man
who has a father wound is he
will meet your physical needs.
He will probably go above and
beyond to meet your physical
needs. He is the one that is
constantly doing doing for you,
whether you it's the right
things that he's doing for you,
but he's constantly doing things
but he does not meet your
emotional needs. He does not
know how to emotionally connect.
And the reason why he doesn't
know how to emotionally connect
is he's he never had an
emotional connection with his
father. There was no emotional
connection there. So he actually
doesn't have the skill set. And
I think what most of us, I don't
think I know most of us women,
when we have a conversation
about our marriage, and I see
this with with all the women
that I coach, one of the things
that they say is, I have them
list all of the great things
that they would love to have in
an ideal partner. And the
interesting thing is, their
spouse has 80% of those, 80% of
those, but they're focused on
the 20% and the 20% is, I just
don't feel like we have a
connection. And they don't know
how to put the words to it. But
the connection that is missing
is the emotional connection, the
connection where there's an
equal exchange of giving and
receiving of emotions, okay, so
they meet your physical needs,
but not your emotional needs. So
there's a lack of an emotional
connection. Like, what are you
going through during the day?
What are some of your upsets?
What happened to you day today
that you know made you
disgruntled, you know, having
conversations about their day
and them sharing with us, it's
very foreign to them. They don't
know how to do that. Like on a
deep, intimate level, it stays
very superficial. Number two,
the second thing is, it's really
hard for them to show affection.
It's really hard for them to
show affection, and rarely do
they give praises or
compliments. It's because they
don't know how they never
received them themselves. They
don't know how. And I had this
conversation with my husband
about affection during the day,
and what he shared with me at
that moment absolutely changed
everything for me. He shared
with me how little the affection
he ever received as a boy, I had
no idea, absolutely no idea. So
having affection, giving
affection, was not something
that he was accustomed to doing.
Even though I would give
affection, he didn't understand
that he should reciprocate, that
that giving that to someone else
feels good because he doesn't.
He never got to experience that
from his father, from his
mother, etc. So they don't know
how to give that affection and
praises and compliments are
foreign to them because they
weren't. They didn't receive
those either. Number three, the
man that has a father wound has
this insatiable need to prove to
his partner that he's worth
loving this insatiable need. And
it looks something like this. It
looks like you are asking him
what you are needing. Can you
help me with this? Like I don't
feel loved by you. Can you do
this? And they start speaking
their own way of how they know
to love, and that's by doing. So
then they start doing things
more around the house. They
start doing more things around
the outside of the house. They
start doing things with the
kids. They start they know. They
just do. They don't know how to
be. And what I mean by be is to
show up in the way that you're
asking them, but they're
constantly seeking to prove that
they're worth loving, and it's
by doing. So ask yourself, have
there been times when we're just
missing the mark, like he's
doing this, I'm doing this, and
we're just he's not meeting my
needs, I'm not meeting his
needs, and it's because he's
speaking something different
than you need. But what he's
doing is he's trying to prove to
you that he's worth loving by
doing some all these things. And
I remember early on in our
marriage, I'm like, why is he
out mowing the yard and watering
the yard when I haven't seen him
all day? That to him was, I'm
gonna prove to her that I'm
worthy to have around. I've got
skills. I'm worthy to be loved.
And so we it's so interesting
because we take it as Anna
obviously doesn't want to spend
time with me. No, he doesn't
know how to spend time with you.
All he knows how to do is to
prove his value to you by doing.
And he'll try to fix, he'll he
tries to fix all of our issues.
You know, that's what our spouse
does, and he sacrifices himself,
his own needs, in any way that
he can. And you probably see
that like he sacrifices his
needs, his wants and his
desires, because he's constantly
doing for other people. He's
constantly doing things for the
kids, doing things for you,
doing for other people. There's
literally not a whole. Out of
Balance for him, he's he's
constantly over doing to receive
that he's worthy of love. Number
four, he's always watching his
partner to see how he needs to
adjust his own behavior, what to
do, what to say, because he
doesn't want to say the wrong
thing. So he you may not notice
it, but he's just kind of
maneuvering things because he
doesn't know how to act. He
wants to make sure that he can
adjust his behavior so that he's
not doing or saying the wrong
thing at all times, because that
was a fear that was placed in
him at a younger age. He
believed that if he did the
wrong thing, that he wasn't
going to be loved. In that
sense, his childhood, his sense
of emotional safety actually
came from the people around her,
around him, and so if his
partner is okay, then he's good.
And I'll tell you what happens
if he's doing things around the
house to prove to you that he's
worthy of love, once he feels
like you are good, those things
that he was doing for you around
the house to prove that he's
worthy of love are going to
stop, and you're going to
wonder, what the heck is
happening here? Why do you start
and stop? Start and stop, start
and stop, because he's doing it
to make sure that you are okay.
And once everything is okay, he
stops doing those things because
he knows that you're no longer
anxious. It's just the pattern
that he's accustomed to. It is a
pattern. Lastly, number five, a
man who has a father wound. He
isolates you during arguments or
anything he views as difficult
to handle, he'll isolate you.
And in reality, what happens is
he feels under attack, and you
may not be attacking him
whatsoever. So he will
disengage, and he will go silent
for days or for weeks. Any of
those sound familiar again. Have
a level of compassion for where
he picked up those stories. How
he from a young boy, maybe his
father was not physically there,
emotionally there, whatever it
happens to be, he learned to
adapt. And he learned that that
his father, who was absent,
physically or emotionally, meant
something about him, so that
story with him needs to heal.
What this man needs is he needs
to know how to feel that anger
and that grief for that little
boy where the father was absent,
physically or emotionally, he
needs to learn how to nurture
his own body and his his nervous
system, just like we do. So what
I'm telling you for your spouse
are the same things I'm I'm
going to tell you in any any
program that I walk you through,
we have to learn to nurture our
safety. We have to learn to come
back to ourselves, because truly
what we're seeking the love and
acceptance that we're seeking in
the external world, we're
actually needing our own love
and acceptance. And learning to
come back to you is the key, and
it's one of the hardest, most
powerful things that I teach,
because the love and acceptance
that we want from other people
will never satisfy us. It will
always keep us looking for that
next thing, it's when you can
truly learn to love and accept
yourself, ground yourself and
really have a healthy central
nervous system, that's the only
way that you will feel safe.
Nobody else can make us feel
safe like that. It has to come
from from ourselves. We have to
feel safe with ourselves first
before we can feel safe with
somebody else and allow them in
in an intimate way. A husband
who has a father wound should
learn how to communicate with
his partner on what he's going
through, what he's feeling, so
that they can show up with each
other on this. This is a couple
who has actually done a lot of
inner work and recognized their
own part in the relationship and
started to healing their own
part in the relationship, a
couple who has stopped the blame
game and is really looking as
two separate individuals. What
is it that I need to heal? What
do I need to take responsibility
for that they can come together
and show up for each other?
That's an ideal partnership, and
then your partner, who has that
father wound, he needs to look
for evidence within himself that
he's good enough. He needs to
look for evidence within
himself, not from the outside
world. He's looking for that
still in the outside world. He
needs to come to terms with
himself, that he's good enough,
that the story that he is not
enough is not a true story. It's
an illusion created from a
circumstance, and the
circumstance has controlled him
for years and years and years,
and the story is now playing
over and over in his mind. The
true way to get rid of the
Father wound is to take
responsibility for the stories
that we've told ourselves and
heal those stories and recognize
there were stories that I made
up based on a circumstance, and
I've allowed that circumstance
to control me for way too long,
and I'm ready to release it, not
just release the story, but
release the person from the
story. And that is where true
forgiveness begins. I'm here for
you. I'm always here to help you
in. In any way. I hope this has
been extremely helpful for you.
Not only have you probably seen
it in your spouse, you've
probably seen it for you as
well. The father wound is a big
one. I love you. Thank you for
joining me, and I'll see you
next week. God bless you.
I'm honored to have you as part
of the limitless community. If
this podcast has added value to
you, I'm going to ask you to do
two things for me. Number one,
share it with your family and
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private Facebook group. I look
forward to seeing you next week.
God Bless You. You.