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In this episode of Woman To Woman, hosts Angela Burnette Smith and Lauren Smith Kenion give advice for enhancing communication styles and avoiding toxic patterns. They discuss renowned relationship expert John Gottman's 'Four Horsemen' – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling – that predict divorce with a high accuracy rate. By offering real-life examples and biblical references, they explore how to address issues constructively and maintain a healthy relationship dynamic. Key takeaways include strategies for effective communication, importance of positive interactions, and practical scripture-based advice.
00:00 Introduction to Woman To Woman
01:34 Understanding Toxic Communication Styles
01:43 The Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse
02:23 Criticism: The First Horseman
04:45 Contempt: The Second Horseman
08:32 Defensiveness: The Third Horseman
10:49 Stonewalling: The Fourth Horseman
16:04 Balancing Emotions and Spiritual Walk
17:59 The Struggle with Sin and Finding Help in Christ
18:20 Taking Ownership and Acting with the Spirit
18:40 Engaging in Conversations with Wisdom
19:54 Helpful Communication Strategies from Scripture
21:28 The Power of Words and Accountability
22:12 Proverbs on Communication
26:33 Practical Communication Principles
33:39 Final Thoughts and Blessings
Creators & Guests
What is Woman2woman with Angela Smith?
Welcome to Woman2Woman, a unique podcast where women come together to bridge the divides of age and our experiences allowing women to grow in unison and learn from the diverse wisdom each stage of life brings.
Engage in real talk, and expect real answers. Dive deep into conversations that are not only informative and inspirational but also introspective. Whether it's the challenges young women face today, the insights of our elder women, or the collective experiences that bind us together, Woman2Woman covers it all.
Drawing strength from scripture, our discussions also offer Bible-based solutions to modern-day problems, grounding our perspectives in timeless truths. Whether you're a young adult navigating the complexities of the modern world, a middle-aged woman seeking clarity, or an elder wishing to share and imbibe knowledge, Woman2Woman is your space. Join us and be a part of a community where women uplift each other across the ages.
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Default_2024-11-06_4: [00:00:15] [00:00:30] [00:00:45] [00:01:00] Welcome back to Woman To Woman. I'm here with my daughter and co-host Lauren Smith, [00:01:15] Kenyon. And today we've been having a very, very good discussion about, um, communication and how we can enhance our communication styles. Right before we went to to the, the break, we had a discussion [00:01:30] about the differences.
The communication styles between, um, men and women. And I want us now to kind of delve into some toxic communication styles that we want to avoid. So when you talk about toxic, that's something we, we want to avoid. Now, [00:01:45] there's a reno renowned relationship expert John Gottman, and he discovered four markers on a relationship.
Um. That with a 97, I'm sorry, 93% [00:02:00] accuracy, predict divorce. And he calls these the, the four horsemen and Lauren, what are those four? Do you remember those four horses, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Yes. So these are. [00:02:15] Communication styles that we want to, um, to avoid. So let's break down and talk just briefly about each one of these.
And, and the first one the first horseman is being criticism. And so [00:02:30] in, in this behavior, when you're criticizing, you are attacking your partner's character or their personality rather than the behavior. Mm-Hmm. Itself. Mm-Hmm. So. That's a, that's a problem there. And when you think about it, I think [00:02:45] about it scripturally.
It's like with Jesus, he takes issue with the sin. Mm-Hmm. Not with. The The center. The center. Correct. And so when we come out of the gate criticizing, then a person is already, they're gonna feel assaulted, [00:03:00] rejected, you know, hurt. But there is a way that, that we can alter that simply by choosing to maybe, complain instead of criticize, because we're not saying that, remember, we don't believe in elephants being in a room. So there is a [00:03:15] time where situations do need to be confronted, right? Mm-Hmm. Um, and, and so we're not just supposed to just, you know. Pull down the, the blinds and act like things don't exist.
But it is better to present a complaint, you know, a concern [00:03:30] versus criticizing because that way you are addressing the issue with the behavior and, and not, you know, not the person. So what, give an example of that Lauren contrasting a complaint versus the criticism. So example of the complaint would.
Be, [00:03:45] would be, I feel frustrated when you don't help with the kids at bedtime. And the criticism would be, you're so lazy and never think to help me. Right, right. Sounds completely different. Exactly. And, and one of the things that is, is key about that Yes. Is with the complaint. The complaint [00:04:00] starts out with, I feel Mm-Hmm.
So it, it. It's looking, you know, inward and, and we can talk about ourself all day long. Right. You know, your daddy always talks about it in sermons, you know, not can talk about me all day long. Right. And so it, it comes across totally different when you're talking about yourself versus pointing that finger [00:04:15] to someone.
You're so lazy and, you know, Mm-Hmm. You, you never, you never help me. So, or you don't care. Yeah. Yes. And so that is something, um, you know, criticism it. It is something we definitely want to avoid and that typically is, [00:04:30] is kind of that baseline, um, that will, will start off and, and sp downward spiral a relationship very, very quickly.
Mm-Hmm. If we don't learn to, to correct that. Um, what about that second horseman that Gottman talks [00:04:45] about? Contempt? Yes. Contempt. Passive aggressive behavior. Yes. Yes. And, and so in that, what, that em embodies it, it's just got really blatant disrespect. Mm-Hmm. Of, of, you know, a partner. It, it comes across as if you're superior to, you know, to your, your [00:05:00] partner.
Mm-Hmm. And, um. This is thought to be the, the single greatest predictor Mm-Hmm. Of divorce. Yes. So, so knowing that we, we need to we need to make sure that, that, that horseman is, is [00:05:15] addressed and addressed, um, very, very quickly. Um, and, and so basically what does Gottman say though, is the antidote. And, and that's a good thing.
You know, there's an antidote just like with scripture, that we don't just throw out all the problems Mm-Hmm. And tell everybody the problems, but they are antidotes. [00:05:30] Building a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship. Yes. Yes. And, and then I, he, he talks about kind of this, what he says, like a magic ratio.
Mm-Hmm. And, and it's like a, a a five to one magic ratio where you're, [00:05:45] you're putting in more positive interactions Mm-Hmm. Than negative in your bank. And so, I, I love God often speaks to me kind of in, in mathematical, um, senses, you know? Yeah. But if you think about it, you know, you, you really want in your bank account.
You, you want to have more deposits [00:06:00] than, than withdrawals. Right? And, and so it's the same thing with this in, in dealing with our partners, we want to deposit Mm-hmm. More positivity and, and negativity, you know, and, and respect than, you know, the negative. Not saying that we can't address the, you know, the [00:06:15] negative, um, the negative things, um, but.
But we want to, you know, start out with the positive. You know, I really appreciate this before, and right. And, and trying to outline, you know, the, the positive things before we, you know, Mm-Hmm. We start [00:06:30] addressing the things that, that concern us. Avoid the the posturing of through like rolling our eyes Mm-Hmm.
And things like that that can also, um, communicate these non-verbal ways that, that we communicate, um, [00:06:45] as, as well. But we wanna keep those accounts. In, in the green, not in the red. And that's by, you know, trying to input more positivity than the negativity. For sure. And I think I wanna say too, that a lot of times people that struggle with passive aggressive [00:07:00] behavior.
It's because they don't have a solution in the moment and so they feel it's better to just shut down or to roll their eyes or to say something sarcastic. And I just wanna say, especially being children of God, it is [00:07:15] okay to simply just say, you know. I appreciate you coming to me and sharing with me how you feel.
I'm sorry that I have, um, contributed to the way you feel. Mm-Hmm. I don't have a solution for you right now, or I don't really know what to say right now, or I don't really have an [00:07:30] answer. Mm-Hmm. Can we pray about it or can we just like take a pause right now and just spend some time apart for a couple hours and then come back together and discuss it later?
Like it is okay to not have a solution right away. Right? But. [00:07:45] Addressing the person's emotion is a sign of respect. And I think a lot of people, they don't recognize when they're being passive aggressive. That is showing disrespect by just walking away or cutting them off in the middle of a statement, like address [00:08:00] what they're saying.
Mm-hmm. Show appreciation. And if you don't have an answer at the moment, it's okay to say. I just, I just don't know. Like, I don't know. It's something we need to pray about and I think especially us as, you know, the body of Christ, we need to do a better job at, you know, just [00:08:15] praying about it and not being so quick to have a solution E Exactly.
And, and, and it is best if you don't know what to say. It's best. Yeah. Yes. Put it, you know, put it on pause time, time out, you know, time out the place. Can we take a pause Exactly. And revisit this later? Yes. You [00:08:30] know, and so that, you know, that really segues nicely Mm-Hmm. Into that third horseman about, um, defensiveness.
Mm-Hmm. And this tends to be the response Yes. To, you know, to criticism. And so when people feel, you know, attacked, attacked or accrue you know, accused of something that's typically [00:08:45] going to be Mm-Hmm. Um, you know, their response and, and you know, they're trying to defend themselves until Yep. The person kind of backs, you know, backs off.
It's kind of a, a self protection. Mm-hmm. Also what happens in those cases, if you [00:09:00] back, if you back off and, and, and you don't assume the responsibility, then the, the problem, um, you know, it's, it's unresolved in the conflict, you know, potentially will, will escalate. Right. And, and you know, one of the things that I often teach, and I'm talking to people [00:09:15] about conflict resolution.
Now granted, we, you shouldn't beat yourself up, okay? Mm-Hmm. But I think you are, in all instances where there's a conflict, you first have to. Look within. There needs to be introspection. You have to make sure that you're not part of the problem [00:09:30] and say, well, it could be me. Because if you don't, if, if you don't do that then and you are part of the problem, then it never, it never gets solved.
Mm-Hmm. So you first have to say, well, maybe it, it could, it could be me. And so that is [00:09:45] being responsible, that's being responsible and accepting, you know, that, you know, possible and mission, you know, of, of fault. Even if that wasn't your intent, you know, you realize once you realize there's an impact that you have.
Have, um, you know, wounded someone, [00:10:00] then you need to accept, take ownership of that, address the impact, address the impact and not the intention. And I would like to add, my mother growing up used to always tell me, when you're so quick to point fingers at other people, you have three fingers pointing back at yourself.
So a lot of [00:10:15] times when you're quick to get defensive there, this might be a moment that God wants to teach you something about yourself. Yes. So it's really important to do self-reflection first and say, okay. Wait a minute, I'm getting a little offended. This is rubbing me wrong. Maybe this is something that I need to work [00:10:30] on first.
Yes. Before being so quick to point fingers at the other person, that's also very, very important, right? And so if you find yourself getting triggered or your buttons pushed, you know, maybe God's wanting, he's revealing something, something in in you. You right. Because sometimes things will come up and it's like, oh, where'd that [00:10:45] come from?
But, mm-Hmm. What's, what's in You will ultimately work. Its work its way out. Correct. And, and so that leads us then to the fourth horseman where we really definitely do not want to go there. And that's with, um, you know, stonewalling and, and this is where, that's such a heavy [00:11:00] word. Yeah. Stone. It just sounds, I mean, it's hard, hard, you know?
So you've got hardness of the. Stone and the wall, you know, that sounds rough. Yeah. So you've got this barrier and it's hard. Mm-Hmm. And so the person is kind of digging in their heels and so we, we definitely don't, don't want to [00:11:15] go there. I, I think, you know, whether it's in relationships or it with our, our mates, our partners, or you know, with God, you know, we, we have to.
Keep our hearts pliable. Um, and, and, but if we get to that place where, you know, we, we [00:11:30] have that, that stone, that stone walling, um, and this tends to be that response to, you know, the, the contempt of a person's just kind of emotionally overwhelmed and, and they just, and they just shut down. Um, we, we definitely don't want to, um.[00:11:45]
Don't want to get there. Mm-Hmm. And, you know, it, it, it takes time though for this kind of negativity that's created by these first, the first three horsemen to be overwhelming enough to, to get to the Stonewall. And so that's why, you know, when we, when we [00:12:00] realize that, you know, we are communicating in a manner.
With the, you know, with the criticism and, and with the, you know, with the, the contempt, um, with the defensiveness, we need to try to nip those things in the bud Mm-Hmm. So that we [00:12:15] don't progress to, you know, to the, the stone, the stonewalling. So I, I thought that that was, um very interesting. Um, as, as far as, you know, recognizing that the, you know, these patterns, if, if we see any of these patterns, it doesn't [00:12:30] mean that you're on the way to divorce court.
Mm-Hmm. But the, the first. The first hope in, in being able to resolve an issue is recognizing that you have an issue. Because if you don't recognize that there is a problem, you're not likely to, to solve it if you don't, um, [00:12:45] recognize that. So, um, just kind of in summary of, of Gottman's, um, horsemen there.
Um. One of the, the take home points is that it's okay to complain, but not to blame or criticize. Right. Right. Um, [00:13:00] and then what about this, the, the statement, um, it, it's important that you start with I instead of you. Yes. Yes. And, and then, um. It's okay to describe the situation, like I said, Mm-Hmm. Take issue with [00:13:15] the situation, you know, um, the problem or the behavior, not with the person.
Mm-Hmm. And don't evaluate or, or judge. Mm-Hmm. And, and then we need to be, um, in, in our demeanor always, you know, being polite, polite, appreciative, and [00:13:30] appreciative. And then finally we don't want to bottle things bottle and, and store it, you know, and store it and store them up and, and, and so, um. You know, it's important that we start out with a soft and [00:13:45] approach and a calm approach because it doesn't help, you know, if you if everybody's yelling and screaming that, and that's one of the things some, unfortunately, people in communication, some people think that.
You have to be loud and boisterous for people to hear stood your point across. But actually, I [00:14:00] think the softer you are, that kind of forces people to, to listen more. 'cause they're like, what are you saying? More, more. They kind of have to have to lean in. And so sometimes a way to deescalate things is you just kind of have to take it down a notch.
You know, calm yourself down. Mm-Hmm. You know, take a [00:14:15] break. Um, not to check out totally, but sometimes you need to step aside. And I've often shared too, in conflict resolution. And what I've told you guys, what I've, I've come to understand, um, just in, in living these 6 62 years [00:14:30] and married 38 years I is that things tend to look differently when you, when you pray over 'em Yeah.
And you sleep on them. So sometimes, if, if you are not able to resolve a situation about 15 minutes. It will tend to just you, you just need to kind of [00:14:45] tap out and like you said, say, okay, um, this really isn't going in the direction I hope. I think maybe we need to step away, but let's come back and revisit and commit to coming back.
Mm-hmm. And, and talking about it another time. So, you know, calm yourself down. You know, sometimes [00:15:00] you may have to just do it inside, inside joke, you know, sometimes we just have to kind of laugh, laugh at ourselves. Um, yes. And sometimes just make a compromise. You, you know, Mm-Hmm. Realizing, okay, we, we, we just have to figure this, this out instead of in [00:15:15] insisting on all or all or nothing.
And then finally, just kind of common sense realize, look. You know, we are imperfect people. You know, we're all works in progress and, and so nobody, nobody's perfect. And, and so I recognize you're not perfect [00:15:30] and neither, neither and I agreeing to disagree. Yes. And so that's one of the things that we talk about when we do our, our marriage counseling, is that we tell people, learn to celebrate the strengths that you have.
Mm-Hmm. And then commit in prayer. The areas of, of [00:15:45] weaknesses, right. But we tend to do the opposite. We wanna dwell on those places of weaknesses of what you don't do, what you can't do. And that, and, and that's really, um, counterproductive. Yes. And, and so we really need to, you know, just take ownership that, hey, look, you know, [00:16:00] we are, we are not perfect.
And so we need to extend that grace. We need to extend that grace to others. So what would you say to someone like how. How is a person to navigate that balance of, obviously the Lord gave us our emotions for a reason. So, you know, we do [00:16:15] have feelings, but how do, how does a person balance your natural feelings?
And also, you know, walking in the spirit too, because I feel like that can be a struggle for a lot of people. Um, especially, you know, us as believers, you know, we say we love Christ, [00:16:30] but a lot of times we Mm-Hmm. When it comes to conflict, we tap more into our natural emotions. Mm-Hmm. Instead of our spiritual.
So how does a person find that like, balance? Right. And and when you ask that, what comes to mind is, I think, you know, in Galatians five it talks [00:16:45] about, you know, how we are to walk in the spirit. Mm-Hmm. And we will not gratify the lust of the flesh. Right. It didn't say talk in the spirit. Mm-Hmm. You know, it's one thing to know scripture.
You know, to have a head, you know, knowledge of it. But in order, in order for us to have [00:17:00] victory in an area we have to purpose in our heart. That's my word, you know, purpose. We have to, you know, purpose to walk it out. Mm-Hmm. We can't just, you know, can't talk it out. And so we have to put that thing. Into practice because this is what God has outlined.
Um, and, and [00:17:15] so we just have to be willing to take that step to, you know, to, to walk it, you know, to walk it out. It says if we're supposed to walk in, you know, impatience and we're rock in love and we're finding ourself being impatient, you have to take a breath and say, you know, Lord, you know, holy Spirit [00:17:30] help me help me with my patience.
That doesn't mean he's just gonna poof, you know, and it's suddenly you're gonna be patient. He'll give you opportunities right where you have to have to walk out. Mm-Hmm. Patience. And so. So we really just have to, to learn to walk [00:17:45] walk in in the spirit and really walk out what we know. Um, God has outlined, agreed with God in, in his, his word.
And, and I I do agree that, you know, life is really, is about the balance and the, the struggle is real though. [00:18:00] You know, Paul talked about that in Romans. You know, that thing I wanna do. You know, I just can't seem to do it right. The thing that I don't wanna do, that's what I find myself, myself doing. And, and so, you know, it's an age old, old problem.
But yeah, thanks be to God. Mm-Hmm. Through Christ Jesus. That [00:18:15] is our, our solution, that is our helper. And we have the privilege of the helper living in inside of us. And so I just have a little talk with Jesus and, and, but you know, we have to take ownership. Yeah. Sometimes when we, we find ourself. Acting contrary.
Right. Or in a [00:18:30] manner that is, is not exhibiting. Yeah. The fruit of the spirit. We are, you know, acting like fruit loops instead of asking God, God, like, Lord, gimme the words to say to this person. Exactly. 'cause you have to know who you're speaking to as well, because they may not be at the same spiritual [00:18:45] level as you.
And oftentimes, you know, if you're. You know, operating in the spirit to a person who's not, you could come across as judgmental or all things, but a child of God. So it's like asking the Lord, okay, God, show me. If you want me to [00:19:00] engage in this conversation, right, show me like what I need to say exactly. And if this is not a conversation I need to have with this person, also show me that too.
So that's also very important because I oftentimes find that we get ourselves in trouble having conversations with people where. [00:19:15] God really didn't want us to engage. Sometimes silence is the answer, but then there are times where we do need to to speak, but we need to let the Lord guide us. Um, and that's something that I'm, as a 3-year-old woman, I'm still learning [00:19:30] to do better at, is learning when do I need to speak up and when do I need to be silent?
You know? Exactly. Exactly. And, and God will give you. It will give those, give those those signs. He will. Um, because timing, timing is, is crucial [00:19:45] in our communication too. You know, we talked about, you know, not always we've heard, not always what you say, but how you say it, but also the timing of when you say it is, is key.
But since you ask about that as far as the scripture, I think that will, that takes us to kind of our last part of the [00:20:00] segment for today. And I wanna talk about helpful communication strategies from, you know, from the scripture. And, um, just kind of out of the gate with that, you know, Ephesians 4 29 says that we're not to let any corrupt word proceed out of our [00:20:15] mouth.
But what is good for the necessary edification that it may impart gr to the hears? Okay, so translation for that is basically if it's not helpful, you know, if you can't say something good, say it right. And, and not, not necessarily that it [00:20:30] always has to be. Um, you know, like dessert, there are times where people need some spinach.
Mm-Hmm. But we have to speak the truth. We have to speak it in love and it has to be for the benefit of the here. Sometimes people just say things and it's like, yes. And what was the point of that? You know? [00:20:45] Right. Was that beneficial? And, and so, um, and I love that. I think about first Corinthians. 10 and 23 where Paul clearly outlines that you know everything that is permissible.
Mm-Hmm. Or that is legal. Mm-Hmm. You [00:21:00] know, 'cause there's so much talk today about, well, my right to do this, my right to do that. Right. But is it the right thing to do, to do at that moment because everything that is permissible or lawful may not be beneficial. And, and we really, we really have to be mindful of that when it comes [00:21:15] to.
Comes to communication. Mm-Hmm. Um, because, just because, you know, it may not be an illegal thing to do, it may not be in, um, in your best, best interest, um, to, to say it. And, and, and we, [00:21:30] when we began to recognize too that all of it is a reflection of kind of our relationship. Mm-Hmm. With God. I remember years ago when we taught Henry Blackaby experiencing God and he was talking about the cornea and the [00:21:45] relationship, you know, with people.
And a lot of what happens there is that we are trying to figure out why things are, are not. Um. Going well in our relationships or in the horizontal right. But it's because things are off with the vertical. And so if we [00:22:00] are, are not right with God, it's important that, you know, we ask him to search our hearts, creating us a clean heart as David did, and, you know renew Right, right.
Spirits, um, you know, within us. Um, and I love the proverbs, Lauren. Any [00:22:15] particular proverbs, you know, there's, so it's power packed with, with such, so many wisdom. About communication and the proverbs, any of of those, um, scriptures that particularly stand out to, to you? I love Proverbs 15, one and [00:22:30] two, which says, A soft answer turns away wrath.
Yes, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours Fourth. Foolishness. Amen. Amen. Mm-Hmm. So that soft answer, you know, we were talking about [00:22:45] that when things are escalating, everybody's, you know, yelling, yelling, sometimes somebody has to be calm.
Mm-Hmm. You know, let's, let's take that, take that down a notch and, you know, I've asked the Lord to help and to refine me in, in that. And I don't know, I think some of it just comes with age and you just get worn out. Like, some [00:23:00] things are not worth your energy. I, you know, I can't, I need to save my energy for, for other things.
But hopefully it comes with wisdom because. With age. If, if wisdom does not come with that right, then you kind of miss out on, on on a lot. So as we, as we grow older, um, we should [00:23:15] grow wiser, right? And we should also ask God to help with our thinking too, because it's no better. You know, some people in situations they're like, I'm just gonna bite my tongue.
Well, you kind of, you're already thinking it, it's kind of just as bad as if you were gonna say it. I mean, maybe not directly to the [00:23:30] other person, but God knows what you're thinking. He knows your heart. So we have to ask God, like, Lord, work on my heart so that I don't get to that place of having to say, oh, I'm not gonna say it.
I'm not gonna bite my tongue, will you? Right. You're already thinking. You're already thinking it. So we, and God knows our thoughts [00:23:45] and, and the Lord knows our thoughts. And so we really got to truly be renewed each and every day. Right. And, and when we realize that, you know, like Proverbs 1821, that there, you know, there's power Yes.
Of death in life are in the power of, of the tongue. [00:24:00] And, and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. So, you know, based on what we say, we have the power within our tongue to either speak forth healing Mm-hmm. Or hurt. Correct. And, and, and so, you know, we meet, need to be mindful of that and we're all gonna give [00:24:15] account.
Mm-Hmm. What about Matthew? Um, that accountability for our words, when, when you think about that, Matthew? Matthew 1236. Six? Yes. But I say unto you that every idol word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. Yes. And so we, you [00:24:30] have to answer to God for what you do and say E.
Exactly. And so one day we'll stand before the Lord, and we're gonna have to give and say, the devil made me say it. No. Right. We're gonna, we're gonna all, we're gonna all give. Right? Give a, a account. Um, and, and so [00:24:45] that is, that is so huge. Um, one of my favorite scriptures, and I often pray this, um, for myself and I pray it for, for, um.
Your dad for my husband Colossians four and six. Mm. And it simply says that we're to let our [00:25:00] speech always be with grace and season with salt that you may know how to answer every man. And it's interesting here that Paul is talking about our conversation season with with [00:25:15] Salt. Now to all my cooks out there, all of you know that not too many people like bland food.
And one of the things, you know, when you taste something, if you have to kinda add some salt Mm-Hmm. Or some pepper to it, it's kinda like, ugh, nobody really wants anything bland. Right. And so [00:25:30] I love it the fact that Paul is talking about our conversation being seasoned with salt. Now, in his time, salt was a preservative and it was, um.
Used to keep meat from, from spoiling, but it was also so significant [00:25:45] and valuable that it was used as, as a currency. You know, people used to use salt for, for, for payment. And so we know that salt as a seasoning, it changes the flavor and oh my goodness, how much do we [00:26:00] need to, you know, we are supposed to be the salt of the earth of the earth.
That means we need to be changing the flavor that we can go into a bland situation. Amen. But it needs. To be seasoned when we come into a room as a, as a believer that we need to bring some salt to Yeah. People don't [00:26:15] see you as bland, like, oh, they're so dry. They, so, exactly. Yeah. You know, so this metaphor, I, I love it.
And when I think about, you know, bring as a cook and bringing that, you know, that seasoning, that salt, um, you know, that salt to, to the, the table is, is [00:26:30] so Im important. It is important for, for us. And so as we, as we get ready, you know, to close out, um, to today on this topic of enhancing our, our communication skills, [00:26:45] you know, we really hope that.
That you have gleaned some healthy communication, um, solves from our, our discussion today because we know there's often breakdowns from, not only from marriages, um, um, [00:27:00] friendships, you know, churches, families because of problems with communication. And, and so, um, as we prepare to close James, um, one in 19 gives us some very helpful [00:27:15] information.
This exhortation from James, um, about three healthy communication points. Lauren, can you read that for us? And James, um, one and 19 about the listening and. Doing there. [00:27:30] My dear brothers and sisters take note of this. Everyone should speak quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Um, yes, and he gives a threefold exhortation concerning communication, [00:27:45] he says in James one 19,
, so basically the three points there. Quick to hear. Mm-Hmm. Slow to speak and slow to anger. Right. So anger never brings anything positive to, to our communication. Mm-Hmm. You know, that's now there are times I think when, if [00:28:00] we have a righteous anger, you know, the Bible says that we're the anger be angry and sin not.
So there's a time that we can be angry in the sense that it moves us to action about there's an injustice or something that we need to, um, you know, we need to engage in, in that way. But. From our emotions and [00:28:15] being angry, that leads us to unforgiveness or hatred, those types of things. It, it never, it never, um, helps anything.
And so we want to avoid anger being slow slow to anger, and then we want to be slow [00:28:30] to speak. Oh my goodness. If, if we could just utilize that principle right there. So many people are so quick to, to speak. Mm-Hmm. And I, and I think, you know, there's a reason we often say, well, that's why God gave us one mouth.
Right. And two ears that we need to be more, more of a [00:28:45] listening, more quick to to hear Mm-Hmm. Than, than quick to speak. You know, just those, those practical, those practical helps, helps there. If we would just, if we would just apply, apply those, those things. Um, so it's, it's really [00:29:00] important that we meditate on, on scriptures, not just meditate, but then.
Like we said, we got, we have to apply them in order to have the victory. So let's just close out with some, you know, some helpful, um, principles in scripture, um, [00:29:15] that, that we can, um, use, um, to improve our effective communication. So just the, like for instance, Ecclesiastes 10 and 10 mm-Hmm. You talked about [00:29:30] we have to be a good listener.
Listener. So in communication, a lot of people think that, oh, they're such a great communicator and you know, because of a person's ability to speak. But actually one of the things that makes a good communicator is, is being a good listener. Yeah. And having. [00:29:45] You know, practice medicine for 33 years. Mm-Hmm.
Yes. It was important for me to be able to communicate, say a, a, a plan to a patient, but it was more important or just as much important that I was able to, to, um, acquire their history, to [00:30:00] understand what their, you know, complaint, their concern was. 'cause have you ever been to the, one of the worst things is if you go for a, a medical care or you go somewhere that you're expecting people to hear and you leave, like, they didn't listen to a word I said, Mm-Hmm.
You know, and, and so, right. We have to be [00:30:15] a good, a good listener. Yep. What's the second principle? Proverbs 18, two Believe the best rather than assuming the worst. That's, that's right. That's right. Mm-Hmm. And then according to Proverbs 1350, if you don't understand, you [00:30:30] better ask God. Right?
Right. Actually, James talks about that. If, if any man likes wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously without, um, without finding, um, fault. Um, the fourth thing, respond gently. A gentle answer turns [00:30:45] away wrath. Yes. But a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15, one. Yes. And then segwaying into the fifth thing.
We need to control your anger, our our anger. Um, we've talked about, we've talked about that. Um, the sixth thing, choose not to react with [00:31:00] our facial expression. So we have that nonverbal, that nonverbal communication, you know, so sometimes that look, you know, right? Is, is worth a a thousand words. So we, we need to be mindful of our nonverbal communication.
Mm-Hmm. The seventh thing. Um, don't be [00:31:15] sarcastic. Exactly. Exactly. And then always eight. I love this. It's important to speak truth, but we have to speak truth in, in love, in love. It has to be laced in love so that it protects and it honors, um, others According to [00:31:30] Ephesians four in 15 mm-Hmm. The, the knife helped learn how to communicate gently and without bombastic statements.
Right, right. You always this or you never that. Exactly. You know? Exactly. Um, [00:31:45] and then let your yays be yays. Your nays. Be Nas. Say, say what you mean. Mean what you, what you say, what you say. According to Matthew five and 37. And then number 11. I love that. Which is hopefully what most of us [00:32:00] learned as a child.
Um. Remember the golden rule according to Jesus, do unto others as you would have them do to you. Exactly. So, you know, when we are about to speak something, if we were to just stop and, and pause there for a moment and think, if this was coming to [00:32:15] me Mm-Hmm. You know, how how would, how would I receive it?
Yes. And, and, and then tailor it, um, a accordingly, um. And then this is hard for a lot of people. We have to be willing to receive Cal correction. Yes gladly. [00:32:30] And with humility because, um. It, there are harsh words in Proverbs 12 and one that says, you know, for those that hate correction mm-Hmm. It, it's really not a smart, not a smart move at, at all.
And, and then we need to [00:32:45] get counsel and advice when you can't work it out on your own. Mm-Hmm. Um, it, it is wisdom to seek the, you know, the counsel wise counsel. We want to, to do that. Um. And then what about, um, being right. Being right or forcing [00:33:00] someone to agree with you is not worth losing the relationship.
Exactly. And, and so as I said, sometimes we have to back up and even though we may feel that we have a right to do something, we have to determine is it the right thing to do. Right. Um, in, in [00:33:15] the moment. And we have to be willing to be confidential, um, and not be a gossip Mm-Hmm. And, and be forgiven, forgiving as Ephesians for Christ forgave us.
And 32 tells us because we all need [00:33:30] to, we all need to be, um, to be forgiven. So, um, this, this has been, this has been great. Yes. I've enjoyed having a discussion. Any closing thoughts, Lauren, that you, that you have? Um from our discussion [00:33:45] today about enhancing our communication skills, no. I just pray that this podcast is a blessing to all generations.
Um, I feel like this is something that we all can learn from and I hope that, you know, we can apply this into our daily [00:34:00] lives. Exactly. And so as as we close, as we close today just as I often pray for myself, and I often pray for my, my husband and family, when we are in situations where we have to go before others and maybe offer an explanation, I want to [00:34:15] pray over you, the listening audience today, Colossians for and six, and I simply prayed this.
I pray that your conversation will be seasoned with salt and full of grace that you will know how to answer. [00:34:30] Every man again. Um, I pray that you have been, um, blessed and that you have gleaned some helpful hints from our discussion today. And so until God's next appointed time, until we [00:34:45] meet again for woman to woman, be blessed.