Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Finding life after loss, Two Dancing Widows dives into the stories of resilience, hope, and transformation. Hosts Toni and Hettie welcome new guests each week, from widowers and life coaches to those battling severe illness, who share their journeys through struggle and their paths back to joy. This podcast is for anyone navigating grief or simply looking for inspiration to live and love deeply again. Tune in for heartfelt conversations that remind us all that healing, while challenging, is a dance worth stepping into.
Coming up on this episode of Two Dancing Widows.
The someone else's hill was definitely our mountain.
So when you stand at the bottom of the hill, and I used to like to climb this one mountain of a hill
at this place I used to go to, and I used to call it a hall-ass hill.
I called it that because, you know, it's always easy getting down, getting back up as the problem.
And at one point halfway up, I honestly felt like I was just hauling my rear end.
I just kept happening to engage my muscles in my behind to push me up the hill.
And of course when I would get to the top, I would be so exhilarated.
I felt like rocky and I would jump up and down.
And I did this all the time. This was part of my exercise routine about three days a week.
And I loved it, absolutely loved it.
But I can tell you with no uncertainty, things just ain't what they used to be.
And all buttocks or whatever they used to push me, the motor run flat and it don't run no more.
And getting up that hill was nearly impossible.
But I did have time to think about this Tony and I thought about what I do with the camp.
Welcome to Two Dancing Widows.
The podcast where we explore life after loss, resilience after heartbreak,
and the beauty of rediscovering yourself.
In this episode, we delve into the theme, believe in yourself,
uncovering stories of resilience, self-discovery,
and the power of embracing new chapters.
Through humor, honesty, and heartfelt reflections,
Tony and Heady remind us that no matter where life takes us,
we all have the power to rise, reinvent, and dance again.
Ready to be inspired? Let's listen in.
In the twilight glow,
we're memories blend,
two souls run on this,
don't life's winding bend.
We've let the rentals from the sun,
so both they share the stories, yet untold.
Hello listeners, we're happy to have you with us today,
as we discuss in this episode, believe in yourself.
You know, we started out today just kind of thinking about things
and we ran across a passage that we both liked.
And what it says is, you must let go of the life we've planned,
so as to accept the one which is waiting for us.
And that was said by Joseph Campbell.
And we both liked that because there's sort of a little statement
of, and after this.
And we were talking earlier, and I thought,
you know, what do we do after this?
After everything you thought was going to happen, didn't happen.
I'm not sure that I actually had plans for my life later on,
but I had ideas of what it would look like.
You know, the kids are grown, the kids are gone,
we'll travel the world,
we'll sit in our rocking chairs, we'll go to games,
we'll do this, we'll do that.
Always thinking of we.
So not a written plan, but an idea of what life would look like.
And so when life doesn't go, the way that you expected to go,
and it just doesn't map out the way that you, you know,
doesn't follow the trail on the map that you had planned,
what do you do so that you can accept the life
that you actually have?
Yes, and for me, that happens, that's happened,
actually, a couple of times.
When Jimmy at 39 years old was diagnosed with a disease
that we knew would not allow him to get better,
that he would progressively go downhill until death.
That was a big change, that was a big,
okay, this is definitely not what we planned.
There's no need in regrets, we have to go forward.
So we adjusted our life.
I felt that we did a pretty good job in pivoting and adjusting
and trying to live a good life,
even in spite of his illness.
But when he died at 66, that was another moment for me
where I had to say, okay, this is definitely not what I was going to do.
It's definitely not what I planned either.
However, I must go on, I must figure out a way
to continue to live a good life, a joyful life,
and no amount of regretting was going to change my situation.
I had to actually say, okay, who are you now?
And where do you go from here?
And again, I find myself six and a half years later,
struggling some days with that.
As I look at little senior couples at the local breakfast places
or walking down the street or even arguing,
if you will, over who's going to watch what shows,
I get a little sad and I feel a little bit of longing
for what might have been.
But actually, I have to realize that that is not my life.
That is not going to be my life.
And so it is important that I keep what really is happening to me day to day
and who I am right now in the forefront,
so I can go forth and dance again.
You know, I think it's important because I do think,
you know, for some reason I was sitting around just thinking,
I don't know, it was something I like to do every now and then.
Instead of just checking my brains and laying back and watching TV,
I actually like to ponder things.
And I was thinking about that life for me.
And I think for everybody is lived in chapters.
So I think chapter one is when you have, you know,
you're born and you're a young child and you are living with your parents
and you have them as your authority.
And you're trying to please them and they're trying to please you
or however you grew up.
But you grew up really under the scrutiny of your parents
and with their rules and your parents home.
And then at some point you're trying your best to get out
to be a teenager, you know, fighting to get free
and to discover who you are.
And eventually you wind up either, you know,
after school in a job or in college or sometimes in a marriage.
And I think that's a new chapter for you because this is all new.
You've never done it again. It's sort of like a new beginning.
And while you're in that chapter, you might get married,
finish school, have a good job.
All those things and various configurations
and in different forms, some first, some later.
But it's still, it's just another new chapter of being an adult
and being responsible for yourself.
Then you get to the point where your kids,
if you have them are grown, they're adults,
you're getting older, you have the experience,
you're the senior person in the class or the head person on the job
or whatever you do, you're still there 25, 30 years later.
Then down the road, another chapter begins, you know,
when you're kids finished, they go up and start their life,
you start looking at retirement and you go back to where you guys started
and you look at each other and go, now what?
And you guys have to figure out what you want to do.
And then the unthinkable, the unimaginable happens.
Somebody gets sick and leaves or somebody winds up,
you know, just going, maybe not getting sick.
There are divorces that happen that are devastating.
once again, you find yourself entering into a new chapter.
And that's what we talk about, and what we'd like to talk about today, is how do you do
that?
You have to keep reinventing yourself.
Is there a formula?
How do we just find ways to continuously believe in ourselves?
And for me, that was very hard because I grew up in only child.
So I was very much used to my mother and my father doing everything for me, my grandparents.
I was, I wasn't spoiled.
I wasn't disrespectful in that respect or rude, but I was very protected and supported.
And so when I left, I'd never lived on my own.
I left college and went directly into being married.
And so I was with Jimmy.
And then we had kids.
And so I was always surrounded by people.
And for me, I'm always that number two man.
I always wanted to be vice president, not president.
Always was a support person.
I didn't ever want to be the out front one making decisions and leading the way.
That just wasn't me.
I like being the number two person.
And so my life was very comfortable that way until Jim's illness.
And then I was kind of pushed out into the front just because physically I had to take
care of things in the family and the workplace and all of that that I never really had to
worry about before.
So when Jim passed, it was different than being the caregiver.
I was then by myself alone.
You make the decisions.
Where do you want to live?
What do you want to eat?
Where do you want to go?
The hot water tank needs to be replaced.
Who do you call?
All of that was so foreign for me in my 60s.
I really did not know what to do.
I had never bought a car by myself until I was in my 60s.
So every little thing is a learning experience for me, a growing experience for me, and very
uncomfortable for me at times.
I always traveled.
That was a source of comfort for me.
So I started to travel a little bit further away from home.
And my son said to me, Mom, I'm so proud of you because you're really getting out of
comfort zone and you're pushing yourself to try new places and going a little further
in the world.
Places you never thought you'd go.
And so I felt a little bit empowered by that.
And I do feel a little empowered by making small decisions, but sometimes I'm just plain
overwhelmed.
And I buy myself regretting the present in a sense of, why did everybody leave me?
And I need somebody to help me.
And then I have to have that talk with myself and say, no, believe in yourself, you don't
need help.
You just need to do it.
And I know that's probably hard for you to think of, Eddie, because you're a doer.
And I'm so much ahead in the Sands person.
Well, I have to confess that I may be a doer, but I may also be a runner because if the
water's too hot or too deep, I tend to run.
And it's not because I don't want to deal with it.
I'm pretty good at solving problems and coming to quick conclusions.
You are.
Yes.
Well, even if they're not right, I will bear the brunt of it if I make my own decision.
I'm always happy to say, well, I did it.
It was the wrong way, but I did it.
But I also believe that sometimes the change of environment or change of scenery can give
you a change of mind.
They can also give you by making, taking that step to be alone with yourself sometimes,
gives you knowledge of who you are, makes you really understand what you like.
If you go somewhere, and I'm not saying you have to jump on a plane and go to Paris for
lunch, it's a good idea.
It's a great idea.
But maybe you can't do that.
There are places that you can go walking into a downtown store looking at the displays,
going to an art museum and art gallery, going to the lakefront and sitting down and watching
the kids play at Eaton Hattah, just something on your own, making the decision to be by yourself
on your own and to be comfortable with yourself.
I think it's so important.
There are all kind of books out here to talk about this.
What guys, honestly, I don't think you need a book.
I think you have what it takes.
I think it requires you to be still, to sit down, to accept, where am I going now?
The plan has changed.
It's not what I thought it was going to be, but maybe, just maybe, if I give it a chance,
it'll be something more spectacular than I could have ever dreamed.
Some people would call that faith.
They would say, well, if you believe in God and His plans are always beginning yours,
the results are always better.
I believe that too, but I also believe you have to believe in yourself to take those
first steps.
Absolutely.
You really do.
That's so hard for me.
On some days, I'm good at it, and some days, I put my head in the sand and I hide.
I've learned that you can do that, but eventually, you have to pull your head out of the sand.
You have to take charge and do it.
Because it's not going to go away, it'll be waiting for you.
I've learned to take charge, and some days, I feel like Rocky.
I can hear that music, and I'm dancing, and I feel really good about myself.
Some days, I want to scream and say, I don't want to do this by myself.
I don't want to do it by myself.
That has been the biggest challenge for me is to, I'm up at that.
It's my time to swing, and I have to do it.
Traveling helps me mentally.
We just had a fabulous girl's trip to Costa Rica, and I kept pinching myself the whole
time we were there going, not bad, little south side girl.
Being in this lush, beautiful country, just having a very good time.
It was your birthday, we were celebrating.
And your birthday, we were celebrating.
Yes, I loved it.
And so we did a lot of stuff.
We rented a house.
We had a cook.
Now, believe me, I've always heard that there are people that couldn't even cook an egg.
I'd never met one.
We had really a good cook, but she had an assistant.
And sometimes the assistant would handle the breakfast making or whatever.
And she would burn everything.
I have never, ever in my life seen a burned egg.
I'm not talking about one scramble so hard it goes into little beads.
I'm saying burnt and served burnt.
So it was shocking at first.
And it became hilarious at the end because once again, things are not always perfect.
They didn't speak any English.
We didn't speak any Spanish.
We're all trying to talk to our little interpreters on the phone to get them to interpret what
we're saying and we're laughing and doing the whole thing.
But even a blind man could see or taste that the eggs were burnt.
But she didn't seem to notice.
So anyway, we had to get over that.
But it was fun.
I mean, we went to a little resort area where we did bathing in the springs and we had hot
springs and waterfalls that were just beautiful mud bathing.
And it's not quite what it sounds like.
But I'll let Tony describe the mud bathing to you.
Well Tony didn't do the mud bathing because I thought, no, no, because I thought we were
going to jump in a great big pit of mud and roll around and then that would be our
mud bathing.
But it didn't appeal to you rolling around in mud.
Oh, yeah, that did.
I would have preferred that.
But yours was calmer.
It was very nice.
You were actually painting yourself, if you will, with the mud and then getting into the
springs and the water to cleanse the mud from your body.
I just got in the hot springs which felt great for these bones.
It was a wonderful, wonderful experience.
But I didn't heat the warning of a senior that we met when we first arrived and we were
registering.
She came up flushed and breathing very, very hard and said that she didn't think that that
was necessarily a great place to go for seniors because it took her so long to come back up
the, I don't know if it was up the mountain, up the hill, whatever you want to call it.
But she warned us and I paid little attention to her and we went on our tour.
We had a fantastic lunch.
We laughed.
We talked.
And we walked excitedly down, down, down to the hot springs and the waterfall and we had
a fabulous time down there.
We had a couple of drinks.
We laughed.
We talked.
We relaxed.
And then it was time to come back.
And that's when her words came to the forefront of my mind and I realized there was no earthly
way that I could walk back up.
Except you did.
Except I did.
We walked far enough to get to the gift shop, heaving and hoeing and breathing and
sighing and as you say, I was cheering you on but I wasn't really cheering you on.
I was stopping to catch breaths and trying to avoid the fact that I too was out of breath.
And so we both found rocking chairs in the gift shop.
Absolutely.
I didn't think I would ever be able to leave the gift shop until you pointed out, well,
if you just go up that door, the other door, the van is right there, but I didn't have
the energy to stand up and walk those 10 steps to the van.
It was, it was a bit much and I guess I could look back on it and say, wow, that was
really believing in yourself.
It really was because so what it was is someone else's heel was definitely our mountain.
So when you stand at the bottom of the hill and I used to like to climb this one mountain
of a hill at this place I used to go to and I used to call it a hall-ass hill.
I called it that because it's always easy getting down, getting back up is the problem.
At one point halfway up I honestly felt like I was just hauling my rear end.
I just kept happening to engage my muscles and my behind to push me up the hill.
And of course when I would get to the top I would be so exhilarated.
I felt like rocky and I would jump up and down.
And I did this all the time.
This was part of my exercise routine about three days a week.
And I loved it, absolutely loved it.
But I can tell you with no uncertainty things just ain't what they used to be.
And old buttocks or whatever they used to push me the motor run flat and it don't run
no more.
And getting up that hill was nearly impossible.
But I did have time to think about this Tony and I thought about would I do it again?
Would you?
I don't know.
See the old Tony I would have said, hell no.
But I don't know.
I probably would because I really enjoyed the experience at the bottom.
And I had a lot of fun.
So I think I might try it again.
I mean I was successful in getting back on that van.
So I think I could do it.
And that's that has really been those are very good experiences for me.
And that person with the head and the sand is to see that you did that.
You did that.
You have fun and you did it and you can do it again.
I guess I couldn't wait too many more years, but I think I could do it again right now.
Well what I think is I have a strategy.
Okay, I have a plan.
So I think next time we do it, well we were sort of there at the last minute and we stayed
a little bit, you know, a little bit of time where it was almost time to go.
So we had to get back up to heel and back to the van so that we could close, they could
close and we could leave.
I think next time we should have a couple of hours left.
And instead of going straight down, we should come back around the way that we did going
going instead of going straight up, come back around to the little sitting spot where
they served us the yes, the rum and the what did we eat over there?
They gave us some stuff that was native to the country.
Right.
They don't know, oh, my eyes don't think it's because they used to be able to some stuff.
We liked it.
Some of it.
And we could stop there again.
And next time we could have more time to sit in the chair at the, you know, at the gift
shop.
And then we could, you know, just stop somewhere along the way.
So instead of going straight back up the hill, you know, they had a little close and
edges.
We did that there.
That would be nice.
And I guess if we think about life, it's a perfect example of kind of the stage we're
in in life.
We are climbing back up the hill.
But what you're suggesting is we don't have to do it all at one time.
We can sit, sit, sit, spell, enjoy ourselves and then continue our climb.
Definitely.
I think that's the thing because we just can't take on the burdens that we could before.
I mean, I sit here in the house and I look around and I think I can't run up two and
three flights anymore like I used to, you know, run all the way downstairs and all the
way back up, you know, a couple of flights of steps.
I sometimes have to stop.
So I'll stop some place and just, you know, contemplators sit and think or find something
to do at that level and then go up another level.
And I think life is the same way, you know, as we think about what we can do, we can't
think about what we can't do anymore, you know, like they say.
True.
I always like to tell my girlfriend, I used to be able to do that and she would remind
me to my list.
Yeah, you used to be 16 or yeah, you used to be 30 or yeah, you used to be 40 and then
I said, don't you dare say I used to be 50 because I'm still that.
I just have to be the oldest 50 year old, oldest looking 50 year old.
You've ever seen that I'm not going to pass that.
But we do, we have to start finding new ways to do things that we still want to do.
Not stop doing them.
Just new ways to do them.
Right.
I think the biggest thing is to adjust that thinking and not about what we can't do or
what we used to do, but the reality of who we are right now and what we can do.
And that that's powerful.
I think that will help all of us continue forward.
But other than our time at the hot springs and the waterfall, we had a great time.
Our group of women, we ranged in age over about a 35 year age range and we had a great
time whether it was touring in the city, drinking shots in the bar, dancing to the music, becoming
writers.
Hedi gave us a project before we left about a family, a south side family of nine girls,
mother and dad and grandmother.
And they lived in a beautiful old mansion with a special magical garden that was Grandma's
garden attached to the property.
So we each selected a character, a sister, and we wrote a chapter about her.
And we were to bring those chapters to Costa Rica.
And after dinner one evening, we shared our chapters with each other.
I thought we did a pretty good job of tying together the sister's stories.
What do you think?
I was amazed because quite frankly, I didn't think we could do it.
I thought it would fall apart because I just thought we would have different mindsets
about it.
But yet in still, we all vividly brought to life each individual character that we chose.
And they fit right into the framework of the family.
And I think we were all amazed at each other.
And I didn't know what that said about us.
I was thinking that, you know, like you said, we ranged.
There was a 35 year difference in the oldest to the youngest person.
And yet in still, we all melded together.
And I was like, well, is that because our interests are similar, even though we've aged differently
or different times?
Or is it that our spirits are similar?
What was that?
What made that happen like that?
I don't know.
And a couple of the ladies I had never met before.
And we really just jailed.
We had so much fun together.
And we really were able to be open with each other and share a lot of intimate details of
our lives with each other.
And in a very comfortable way, I just enjoyed that experience so much.
And we played games.
We watched movies.
We all let me tell you.
They had me actually down on a yoga mat doing yoga outside for one day.
I tried my best.
The second day, I did yoga in a chair.
Which is harder.
I don't know.
The whole experience was hard.
I tried to get to my room.
But Eddie's one of those people that just won't let you say no.
So she's like, no, no, no, come on.
You're coming out.
And I want to go.
I won't do this again.
But I did do yoga in the chair.
And I tried.
But it was just interesting, just a matter of being open and to just trying other things.
And that has been very hard for me, but very rewarding.
Yeah.
I mean, we had masseuse come to the home and it just chose the treatments that we wanted.
I think there were five ladies that came and there were nine of us.
So we all got what services we wanted.
Someone in facial, someone in full body massages.
And we had them come back again because they were so great.
We just had a lot of fun being together.
And so once again, maybe some years back, we would have all been doing that with our husbands
or with other groups of friends.
But we found that we can still have the same fun.
We can still travel.
We're not limited, you know, to the range that we can go without our husbands are on
our own or as women.
We're not limited in the fun that we can have the laughter that we can share.
The bread we can break together, the stories we can tell.
Yeah, we can all do it.
We just have to find our group.
We have to find our people, people willing to do that with us.
And one of the ladies that was with us, remember Missy Lindea?
Yes.
She was saying that we didn't know her.
It was actually her son introduced her to us because her son and my daughter are very,
very close.
And we always have a little lightweight birthday party for him because his family is in
Texas and we are in Chicago.
And he works in Chicago.
So he would always say to me, I want you to meet my mom, I want you to meet my mom.
So this one time he brought her over and he said, you know, can she go with you guys when
you're telling him about our trip?
And we said, well, and he said, oh, you know, she really needs to go.
And I couldn't understand why she would want to go with a group that she didn't know
anybody in the group.
But as it turned out, she was a good fit.
And as it turned out, the reason she wanted to go is because she had a group of friends
who no longer wanted to do anything.
She had worked somewhere for 35 years.
She had those friends.
She had girlfriends from Chalka.
And everybody basically, nobody wanted to do anything.
Her circle of friends, nobody wanted to travel, nobody wanted to get out, nobody wanted
to do anything.
And she was just dying inside in a way.
And she was an avid gardener.
She's a beautiful garden.
She showed us pictures of that and pictures of different things she'd done.
But she has so much more to give and so much more life.
And she wanted to experience new things.
And so with us, she was able to do that.
And we all were really happy that she joined us.
She was a lot of fun.
And I enjoyed talking to her.
And she did share with me about her friends and family.
Nobody wanted to be adventurous anymore.
And she was a little bit intimidated because she herself
has had some health issues in recent years.
And so she's not as able to do some of the things as quickly or as fast or as easily as
she could before.
And so we're like girlfriend, just come on.
We've got you.
And the younger women, they were all very, very considerate with all of us in helping
us.
And she told me toward the end of the trip, Eddie, that she thanked me.
She said, thank you.
And I thank everybody for being so warm and welcoming to me.
And for not making me feel like I was a burden.
She said that was her biggest worry is that the group would feel why is this old lady
on the trip with us?
And she's such a burden.
We have to slow down for her and do things differently.
She said, and I haven't felt that way all week.
And I felt good about that.
Yeah, that was good.
I was really proud of all the young women because they made decisions that I didn't even
make, because it was like she couldn't walk, I'll go, I'll just walk slower.
And they're like, she needs a wheelchair.
Yes.
And they went and got the wheelchair and they're pushing it.
Even when we went to the hot springs, they were like, do you all have a wheelchair for
her?
And they got somebody with a wheelchair to come and help it all of that.
Except they got to a point where he couldn't get her up to here, either, huh?
And well, what happened is the hill was so dinged on steep that these young men in great
health and great shape, they were struggling with getting up the hill.
So they were pushing her in the wheelchair until we got halfway up.
And the guy said, I'm sorry, ma'am, but you got to get up.
That's not funny, but he said, you've got to get up.
I was looking over at him thinking, are you crazy?
But I mean, she's able to walk, but she said, because I can no longer push you, not one
more step.
So then we just went slower, a little bit slower, which I didn't mind, because I could
barely make it at that point.
And we just kept going, everybody kept going, they kept going and they were able to make
it up the guys.
And she was able to make it up.
And we all got on the van the most, really people in the universe.
We were so very, we had to pinch ourselves to see if we were still alive.
I know, I know.
I'm certain that we could have used a little mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but we chose not
to have that because the guys were so young.
Or maybe we should have added.
We should have done that.
But it was a great trip.
It was really a very, very spiritually uplifting trip and just a lot of fun.
So again, as Teddy says, defining your people and just trying, I went to a conference last
weekend.
I happened to, of an organization that I've been a number of, over 50 some years.
But it was up in an area that is pretty far away from where our local chapter meets.
And I decided to go by myself because it was closer going from my daughter's house there
than from my home, which would have doubled the time to get there.
So I went up and when I got there for breakfast and everything walking around, I ate breakfast
with a few ladies that I knew in the breakfast area, then went to the meeting room.
And all the tables that had people that I knew were full.
And my chapter members, and then I was waiting on my good friends.
And of course, they're a little bit late most of the time.
But they were quite a bit late, so I went and sat at another table.
There were two ladies out of the 10 people at the table that I knew only two.
And, but I felt like, oh, a little uncomfortable at first, but the rest of the table filled
up.
And just meeting people from different chapters, they weren't in the same part of the city.
A couple of them were even further out than my chapter.
And just had a good time, but again, that being out of your comfort zone, not being even
at my age, not being able to sit with your crew was a little bit uncomfortable at first.
But when I left the conference, I had met about five or six new people that I hope will keep
in contact with each other because I really enjoyed them.
Well, you know, and even if they don't, just to know that you had the experience for the
day, I mean, some things we have to let go of, you know, some people coming from the
people call.
But so it's funny.
We were talking about something yesterday.
We had breakfast, me and one another group.
And again, we started this group with somebody just saying, well, we're retired.
Let's have some coffee together and we started with a boiled egg and a piece of toast and
coffee.
As you know, grown into a full blown breakfast, it started yesterday about 10, 31 and went
to 5, 30.
So it went on all day.
Well, we were talking about how people in church sometimes get their spot, their seat.
And if someone gets there before them and takes their seat, how they will say, oh, that's
Mrs. So, so seated, that's Mrs. So, there's Uncle Buddy seat.
You got to move.
And you know, well, how does that endear someone or why is that necessary?
Why are you sitting in the same spot?
And I felt like, and feel like, you know, I said, well, I think ministers should get
up, you know, every now and then once a month or something.
So, okay, everybody up, everybody change, one end of the pew to the other, forward backwards,
do something different.
Because you know, you're in a church filled with people and especially if you're not active
in a lot of the activities that may be sponsored by the church, you can go there for years
in decades and not really get to know people.
Because I've gone to my church for years and I don't know anybody up in there because I
go in and I go out.
And sometimes it's in the money, sometimes it goes in and drop off the money and go out
there.
But, you know, but I do think that it's up to the leadership, to sponsor and to change
things up, but to make certain that everyone is being seen and heard and have an opportunity
to meet other people.
You know, I like these little clippings and these little sayings and I have another one.
This is, I don't know if you guys have heard of this collection, but it's something like
they make bookmarks and they have little stickers and they put them everywhere.
And it's advice from all these different sources like there's advice from a refrigerator,
advice from a moan.
Well, this one is advice from a coyote.
And a coyote says, be curious.
Adapt to your surroundings.
Stand up for your friends.
Travel under the stars.
Keep your eyes and ears open.
Know when to make tracks.
Have a howling good time.
And I think that's what we all should do.
Yes.
And it's, I have been in groups, Eddie, where they have tried that, where they mix people
up and they don't allow you to sit with your crew and they make you sit at another table
or you move every so often and switch people out.
I've even done that in workshops that I've given and where the tables change every so
often.
And as a, as a participant, it's very uncomfortable for me.
I don't like it.
And I get angry about it like go back up there and do what you're doing.
Why do we have to change our seats?
I am that person that goes to my sorority meetings.
Our chapter is 404 people.
Now not all 404 come to every meeting, but we're pretty packed wall to wall.
And I do have my seat that I sit in every month.
There's in there, I sit around the same people like we're on the bus somewhere going to
the same destination.
And we sit there and it's comfortable.
And I don't like it if I come and my area is, if I'm late.
So I always get there really early to make sure that I get my special section.
But I have been there a couple of times where I've had to sit other places and that's been
very uncomfortable for me.
But those are my challenges.
Those are my lessons.
I think that I need to not be that person, that I need to be more open and more available
to learning new things and experiencing new people.
And so that is my challenge, I think, in life.
One of my challenges is to push myself.
I think an open world and open mind is better than an open mouth.
Yes, it's just open your eyes, open your ears, open your heart.
Take a chance on people.
I don't understand why people walk around with this bitterness.
Oh, people aren't friendly.
People aren't just, are you friendly?
Yes, I think it's the fear though, don't you?
Well, if they reject you, it's kind of like their loss.
I always think, oh, well, too bad for you.
It's even like in families where sometimes people have a lot of them, they want to keep
their kids or they don't like this person so they're not going to let their kids go see
an aunt and uncle grandparents.
Well, it's kind of the kids' loss because maybe the kids won't like me, they'll go on
their own and say, I don't want to go back to auntie T's house or whoever.
But on the other hand, maybe they will be inspired by them or find something different
in them.
Maybe that person will find something different in those children that they find in you.
They're older relative.
I just think we have to keep being open to new opportunities to learn about new things,
new people and new places.
I think it broadens us, it keeps us from being narrow and it allows us to grow.
And as long as you live, you're going to grow one way or another, you're going to grow
in your solitude, you're going to grow in your ineptness because life will continue to
change and new challenges will come.
If you don't learn how to use these new challenges or these new equipment or whatever, you
just become more inept at it until they finally phase you out.
It's like now, I write checks here and there sometimes now, a sudden target is not accepting
checks.
A few other places are not accepting checks.
So you're going to get to learn how to use this stuff.
I had a guy painting my hallway a couple of years ago and he was laughing.
He said, you know, it just really took him out because his grandson didn't know what a
check was.
And he said something about writing a check and he's like, what's that grandpa?
He said, boy, you don't know what a check is.
And he said, no, grandpa, I have no idea what a check is.
And I thought, wow, do kids not know what checks are, but they don't.
They don't know what a lot of stuff is.
And I also want to go get a tie grind or ribbon and they're like, what's a tie
for I write?
Right.
First of all, well, I needed to help to find the ribbon because when I got to the store
I was supposed to have it, nobody there knew that they even had it.
So I mean, everything, you know, the funny thing is that the banks will tease you and
the other place will tease you for 10 years.
I remember when they first started with the credit cards, everybody got one.
Remember?
Yes, yes.
They sent them to everybody, whether you asked for it or not.
They sent you no, and there was no charge for using it.
Does that know the next thing you know, it was this credit card.
And it depended on you giving all of this information before if you had an account at a bank,
they just sent you one.
And then later on, they just sent you this ATM card and then you learn how to use it.
Now, you got to pay fees, you got this, you got that.
All kinds of ways for them to make money.
We used to use a telephone, a landline.
Now, everything is so you'll learn.
Yes.
So you're the phone that came out where the size of a chair practically.
My husband had one.
He was working for AT&T or Illinois Bell maybe at the time.
And his was, it was like a brick.
It was heavy.
And it was a brick.
And then he got one in the car.
He got a car phone.
Boy, we thought that was magical.
That was so cool.
Yeah.
But I dragged my feet a lot on a lot of things because I don't know.
I'm just like probably a half form, not more of the population.
It's uncomfortable.
Well, I think what happens is we lose our childhood curiosity.
As children, we're inquisitive and we're curious about things.
And that's the greatest time you know this as an educator for children learning is, you
know, at this age that is so young, they learn and they learn and they learn.
At some point, the opportunity to learn doesn't change.
We cut off our desire to learn.
I've actually heard people say, I don't want to learn anything else.
I don't want to do.
And I was always raised to believe that we are all lifelong learners.
That we have to continue to learn in order to continue to be relevant.
We have to continue to learn in order to continue to love life.
I mean, if you never knew how to, you know, operate anything, a car because you didn't
want to learn or you didn't know how to work, you know, maybe a car is not a good idea
because you got buses.
But suppose you didn't have buses and you're somewhere where you got to walk ten miles
every day, that's great when you can do it, but what about when you can't?
And you don't, you know, you can have three vehicles there and you can't operate any of
them because you never learned how to do it or with the new phones, you never learned.
You know, it's like I said on this, we were talking about earlier getting on dating apps
and trying to figure out at some point if we were interested in dating, you know, some
gentlemen and maybe meet someone.
We both widows.
We've been widows for some time, meet four years, twenty six.
And the thing that flourished me is I get on there and they're these old men taking
their picture with the phone pointed towards the mirror and you can see them pointing
the mirror looking like they're scared to death and the mirror reflection on them.
And I just laugh, I'm like, why don't they know that there's a timer on every phone?
And even if they don't know that, why don't they know or have a kid or somebody else take
their picture?
And you can see some of them are there with their mouth hanging wide open and I'm thinking
I noticed man does not expect to get a date looking like that or they're taking a picture.
You know, so it's like when did they stop learning?
It's scary to look at someone who does it like that.
But you have to give them grace because two things probably are ahead.
Two things are happening there.
Papa has not asked the grandchildren for help because he doesn't want the grandkids
to know he's on the dating app.
And there's no other way he wouldn't know how to do that.
So he has to try and figure it out from what his friends have told him or what he can
figure out himself.
And that's really what's happening there because if he could ask the grandkids, they'd have
him doing it just fine.
He'd be great.
But right now he's testing out the dating app.
He feels a little bit some kind of way about getting on a dating app at his age.
And he doesn't want the grandkids to know.
Wow.
Well, I think that that is probably a lot more truth in what you just said than what I might
have considered.
But you know, the other thing is you can trick the grandkids.
You can always say just teaching me how to use the camera as a camera was the best way
to do this or that.
They'd say why?
Why, Papa?
Are you trying to get on the date mat?
You're not going to say that.
You're never going to say, oh, OK, I mean, I have found the most help from young people
about how to do things such as that.
And it's just amazing.
But they're always willing to help you.
And that's another thing.
Sometimes our lives don't change because we're not willing to ask for help.
Yes.
Very true.
It's like we can learn new things if we're willing to admit that we don't know how to do
this, willing to admit we'd like to learn it maybe.
Yes.
I've always taken lessons for this.
I'm not saying I learn a lot, but I learn how to sit in the room and be sociable.
I'm going to take a piano lessons for three years.
I still barely carry a note.
But I tickle myself and I love trying to learn.
And I'm always inspired when I talk to people and say, oh, it took me 10 years to learn.
I go, OK, I got it.
I got this.
I never talked to anyone that says it only took me a year.
But if it did, they probably played night and day.
So it's really interesting.
But anything that we choose, we can still do.
We just may have to adapt.
But the main thing about it, Tony, is we have to believe in ourselves.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Because I'm a lifelong learner.
However, my challenge is I will read anything.
I will research anything.
I will watch things.
I will do it by myself.
That's my comfort level.
And so my challenge is not to be by myself, but to interact with others.
And that's a real challenge for me.
But the more I do it, the more comfortable I become, the more I'm OK with it.
And I feel good about it.
And I have a good time.
But for me to push myself to do with other people or include other people or be in the
mist of other people sometimes is a challenge for me.
So that's what I'm really trying to push myself out there to do.
So there you have it.
Here we are, the two dancing widows.
And we've confirmed for you that you've got to do something to stretch yourself, to
make yourself grow.
It starts with believing in yourself.
And then it ends with trying something new.
OK.
And then on that note, are you going to help me with that dating side?
Let's ask our audience if they think you deserve my help.
Of course they do.
All right.
Thank you for listening as always.
To dancing widows in the depths of life and praise, finding rhythm at the loss in time and space.
With every step a new story unfolds in their journey.
A beauty of life this tall is tall.