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You’re tired.
Not just physically; though yeah, that too.
You’re tired in your bones. In your soul.
Trying to be a steady husband, an intentional dad, a man of God… but deep down, you feel like you’re falling short. Like you’re carrying more than you know how to hold.
Dad Tired is a podcast for men who are ready to stop pretending and start healing.
Not with self-help tips or religious platitudes, but by anchoring their lives in something (and Someone) stronger.
Hosted by Jerrad Lopes, a husband, dad of four, and fellow struggler, this show is a weekly invitation to find rest for your soul, clarity for your calling, and the courage to lead your family well.
Through honest stories, biblical truth, and deep conversations you’ll be reminded:
You’re not alone. You’re not too far gone. And the man you want to be is only found in Jesus.
This isn’t about trying harder.
It’s about coming home.
Alright friends, we are on our last episode of the Wilderness Series and I wanted to have one of my closest friends in the world, Seth Baumgartner, on with me. This is Seth. Seth, say hello. Hello everybody. Do you wanna say anything about yourself? Seth's a Montana boy, born and raised. He's not a dad yet, so Nope.
That's why you never met him. Um, but he's engaged and so we're excited about that. I've been praying for years now for Seth to have a wife, and here it comes. He's in for. A blessing and a trial. Amen. Speaking of blessing and trial, I wanted to have Seth jump on with me. One of the, like, one of the things I believe about friendship in particular, having friends that walk with the Lord with you and spur you on is that like, dude, it's so helpful to the past books, back and forth and to, um, be discipled in a particular area, read a biography and then, and then pass it and have a friend push back and forth and so.
As we kind of wrap up the idea of wilderness, I wanted to talk about a book, um, called The Diary, the Life and Diary of David Raynard that we read. How long ago do you think we read it? Five or six years ago. I think it's probably 10 now. And, uh, I had it first and then I passed it to Seth who had it and passed it to our friend Zach.
And we do this thing where we write our name in the book and then you scratch it out and now it, so it said Caleb and then it said Seth, and then it said, I think Zach has it now. But in since then, Seth has bought us. So whenever you hit a really good one, then you have to go back and buy everyone a copy.
So now Seth has bought us hard copies and here he has it. Um, but the season of life where we were reading the Life and Diaries of David Brenard were really interesting for me. I. Um, because his life was super messy, and so I wanted to lay out just kind of quickly his life. And then he, he kind of is, I mean, I think you would agree, like the epitome of WA wilderness person according to all the wilderness lessons.
Yes. And wrestled. Yes. He is one of the, the. The men that anytime anybody goes in the missions field, it's a book that, um, most missionaries are told this is a requirement for you to read. Yeah. It was a requirement for a lot of people for a long time. And, and it was a, it was a collection of his journals and entries that Jonathan Edwards collected.
Yeah. Um, Jonathan Edwards knew him personally and had him in his house, even on his deathbed. And so, um, I'm, I'm very thankful for this book. I'm very thankful for this insight into a life of a young man. Um, who has given his life to the Lord, but really had a lot of struggles too, and was messy and, um, but persevered through the end.
Yeah. Lots of struggles. So he, he dies of tuberculosis at 29 and so it's super interesting because he influences like every major missions movement, but he doesn't lift to reach 30. Right. So super interesting. So it was just some like, let me fill you in on his life a little bit. So you're along with us.
He loses both parents by 14, I think his dad dies at nine. Mom dies at 14. I think I'm right about that. Um, he goes to Yale after he becomes a believer and seems to want to be a pastor and wanna be a minister. And at Yale, he's kicked out. It's that season of like the first great awakening I. Um, you wanna tell that story?
Yeah. It's kind of interesting. So there was a, an awakening or revival taking place in the, uh, Americas at that time. And so we have, um, during this time lots of pastors and preachers, um, who were well known, like George Whitfield going through and preaching in thousands of people getting saved. And, um, it was during this time that I think David Beard was passionate about seeing the revival take place in his life and Yale and his school, and was kind of poking maybe a little bit about why they weren't able to have some of these.
Like George Whitfield's come and, and preach Yale. Yeah. So they had like, kind of decided that Whitfield was not gonna be allowed to come to Yale. You have to remember that in this period too, like all Yale and Harvard in particular, they were established essentially as seminaries to raise up Christian pastors.
And so, um, Edwards has preached sinners in the hands of the angry God. And, uh, there's this revival taking place all on the east coast and, uh, Whitfield is coming to the Americas and they kind of decide Whitfield's not gonna be allowed to come. And he gets frustrated. Which is interesting because we've talked some about people who are particularly passionate, seem to, well, bra is a classic.
Highs and lows. Yes. Big highs. Big lows. That's a good way to put it. And, and that can lead to the lows is where things get hard. Um, but he was a big high, big low. And when it was decided that certain preachers couldn't come to Yale, he said of one of the faculty members. Do you remember how he said it? You are.
As stiff as a chair. He's, I think he said in a private, he didn't say to the faculty member who was talking to his friends. Mm-hmm. But he said, do you have no more grace than a chair? Chair? Meaning that like, he's no more saved, he's no more a Christian than the chair is. And when he said that he was, they had to passed a rule that you couldn't talk bad about faculty members.
Right. And so he was kicked out of Yale, kicked outta Yale, which was really important. Significant because. To become ordained, to be a pastor, you had to have a degree from one of these Ivy League. From a seminary. From a seminary. And so because he was booted from Yale, he was never able to be ordained as a pastor, which he tries to apologize.
Yeah. To his credit, he repents, um, multiple times, tries to go back and apologize to the faculty member, um, to, to essentially get back into Yale so that he can fulfill what he had in his heart to do ministry. Um. But they said, no, never clicks. No. Yeah, never clicks. Um, so that spun him on this trajectory of, um, becoming a missionary, so the i to the Native Indians.
So the idea of being a missionary to the Indians was still pretty uncommon. Um, but he, he wasn't able to be ordained because he didn't have a license, but he was able to preach. Um, so. He was, uh, I'm trying to think of the word you would use. He's not ordained as a minister, but he's, we sometimes use the word license, like he's given the bridge to preach.
And so as a preacher, he could be a missionary and he spends his life as a missionary to the natives, which sounds awesome, but was super tri. No, it was a lot of, a lot of times in that time it was, um, days upon days riding on a horse. Yeah. From town to town, but then. And the Native Americans trying to go into essentially a real wilderness, real permeable wilderness.
Um, and where they were living in the camped, um, and to try to build some sort of relationship with language barriers. Yes. He, he did speak the language. So he was super lonely. Yes. And he, he, I don't know that he used the word tuberculosis at Yale, but at Yale he started coughing up blood. Wow. So, Hmm. His whole ministry experience.
He's sick, like really sick, coughing up blood fevers and shakes, lonely. And what's fascinating, so what we're talking about is he kept a diary, a journal, like every day. And on his deathbed, uh, he's, he died under Jonathan Edwards' care of Jonathan Edwards after he died. Pieced this diary together. So we have the stories, we have the day-to-day of.
His missionary experience, and that's what became so popular. Yes. So you, he talks about days of like, like waking up, coughing, blood, feeling super. He would use the phrase melancholy, which is we talk about depression that way, feeling super melancholy and then getting up and preaching while he's sweating and dripping and not really experiencing God or no salvation, but he just keeps pressing.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it, it is one of the things, we were talking about this book earlier and we were saying that. 90% of this book is really, you're catching these day-to-day excerpts of his life and him just saying, my soul has been in the, the pits today. I am my, my soul is grieving. I am. Below. Below. And, and so it feels like the 9% of the book is just really like, kind of like, again, up ups and downs, um, and sad and, and sorrowful.
But you were saying at one point, like, if you open his diary to any page, you're gonna find depression. Yes. Yes. Anguish of soul. I, I read this morning at one point where you were saying, um. I woke up with melancholy and prayed and it seemed as if I had no God to answer me. In other words, he's saying like, I'm praying and praying and praying, but I just don't sense God.
And that's shocking to hear from a man who literally changed the world with his right. Perseverance in work. It's shocking because I think that there's this idea for probably, um, most of my life of when you come in prayer, when you come in journal, when you come and try to process for the Lord. That there should be this, some sense of, and I, I think that there's a, a, a rightfulness, I'm being thankful and grateful.
Yeah. But, but it, but also maybe like a, a fake it till you make it mentality of like, I'm not gonna acknowledge maybe where I really am right now in my life. I'm not gonna acknowledge the season on my end or how I feel because I can't allow that part of me to be exposed to the Lord for some reason. Yeah.
It's like the idea too, that we've embraced, which is not a Christian idea. Mm-hmm. That like you can't. You know, we talk about like, be careful what you claim or what you speak over yourself. And sometimes that gets really funny because it's like, if you never acknowledge that you're sick, how can, how can you ask?
Like when Jesus, it's not like people are saying to Jesus, uh, my daughter's dying, but she's not really dying. Mm-hmm. Um, well, so it's like, my daughter's dead. I need you to fix it. Mm-hmm. And so there is like a, an honesty that we have to have and that's what I, why I was thinking about this for you guys and talking, thinking about the wilderness season.
Series is that as I read this book, I remember going like, oh, I don't have to lie about how I'm feeling. And it's not ungodly to acknowledge or to say to my journal or friends, this is what I'm going through. Mm-hmm. Um, I was telling Seth that recently we were in a setting where. I kind of off the cuff, someone made a comment about my anxiety, the fact that I like wrestled through anxiety, depression, and in some way it was, Seth never reads into anything he like, is you could tell him that he's completely ugly and he'd buck your, so the ice.
But we were in a setting where someone kind of like, from my perspective Yeah. Popped me for mm-hmm. The fact that I've struggled. Um, and so from time to time it feels like it's something I should be ashamed about. And I was thinking as this person was popping me, like you've never read the journals of David Brand.
Mm-hmm. You've never read anything from Wesley. Like one of the beautiful things about having journals of these men of God is to see the common experience. And the common experience is there are going to be our days pressing days. And you're gonna feel dryness, you're gonna feel wilderness at some point in your Christian life, and you can lie about it and fake it till you make it, or you can wrestle with the Lord through it.
And that's what I think brand's doing every day. Yes. Don't you think? Yes. And I think that that's, that's a healthy Christian life. That's a healthy and meaningful walk with Jesus is to let those parts of our lives not be hidden from him and for those to be parts as men. That, um, for our families and for those that we love to see us walk through and it be surrendered and submit to the Lord.
Um, 'cause I, I mean, I, I read a, a, a, a diary of this man who struggled with it, and it, it, it gives me encouragement to know that in seasons of depression or darkness, that he, his life was incredibly used for the Lord and that. That doesn't, that that becomes an invitation for me to also like, allow the, the things in my life that I struggle with to be something that the Lord can use in my life, if that.
Does that make sense? Yeah. And it's like the fact that you are in a wilderness season does not mean that you're not a useful vessel to the Lord. Yeah. So you can take your wilderness season, submit it to God and say, this is Brainerd. Right? Like, I'm sweating with fever, I'm frustrated, I'm lonely, I'm still gonna preach.
Mm-hmm. Like every opportunity he gets mm-hmm. He's still preaching. Still ministering. Yeah. And the fact that you don't feel filled with joy and peace right now doesn't mean that you're any less useful in the kingdom. Like get after it, get out there and love people and serve people and share the gospel and be a great dad even when you don't feel like you're overflowing with peace and yes.
Does that make sense? Yes. I think that's somewhat the testimony of his life is that he perseveres Yes. Perseverance through. Um, through, through the weaknesses of his heart, through the weaknesses of his life, and, and was doing it for not just like the mo, like the, the, the good benefits of I think ministry, but was doing it because one, I think he, he really loved the Lord and really sought and, and sought the kingdom, um, but also did it because he really, I think you'll, you'll notice in his life too, he had a care and a desire for the souls of the Native Americans for the church.
To really walk with the Lord in, in a right, beautiful way. Um, yeah, and that all leads us to, we were saying this, like when you read the journals of David Brenard, it's long and for, there's like a solid couple days of reading where you're just like, I have no idea why I'm reading about this guy's depression every day.
Um, but he has these high moments where he is like. It was an awful day. I was sick and dry and lonely. And then God came when I preached. Like there's these high moments where you're like, all right, we'll get something out of this. Yeah. But sometimes that's what life feels like to me. It's like it's, it was an awful three weeks, but God met me, but God met me.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but what, so you read for days and it's like, oh man, I'm just dragging through this. And then you get to his deathbed, which was a long season because mm-hmm. They thought he was gonna die on several occasions. Yes. And you kind of bounce back. Yes. Um, but on his deathbed, you get all of this like life and crazy encouragement that that's where the, the diaries get super interesting.
Yes. If you can make it to the end of the book, it's worth it because you then, it, like, it explodes with this almost like a revelation of what his life work was leading up to. Everything made sense on his death. Yeah. Wow. And isn't that like what, what the of wives were trying to live where everything will make sense on, on your deathbed.
Amen. Yes. And what, what he. I was saying to Seth is what's super interesting about his deathbed is he's all of a sudden, so if you think about him in his younger years, critiquing the faculty member of Yale because he was, didn't have any grace and there's like, I think what he said was true, but he's a little bit critical.
Harsh, yeah, harsh, harsh is maybe the right word. But on his deathbed, he's like so concerned with the his pastor friends and he's worried about how they're doing. He's worried about their hearts and he's super concerned with. The, the church, there's one church in particular that he planted, um, in New Jersey.
Mm-hmm. That did really well. Um, so the congregation of Indians in New Jersey, he talks a lot about on his deathbed, he's concerned at one point they're like, the doctors are convinced that he's gonna die on a particular day and he spends the whole day writing letters trying to raise money for a school, um, for these Native Americans.
And it's like, man, that's profound. Like you're literally breathing your last coughing up blood. But he's not, he. In the wilderness. He comes to this place where like, life's really not about him. Yeah. It's about the people he loves, like he really learned to love. Mm-hmm. I think the wilderness helps with that.
Mm-hmm. He, um, he like is so desperate to see other pastors, but I was telling ETH too, there's a point too where he is talking about in his diary, like the church, the, the kind of the, the big C church and he's concerned with the staleness and he's praying for them to come alive and all this sudden he's not necessarily critical of everybody, but he's.
His heart's broken for. Mm-hmm. And leaning in and, mm-hmm. It's super interesting to think about, right? This position of selflessness that he, that he comes to. Is it selflessness? Is that the right way to think about it? Selflessness? Yes. Um, because I've, in, in contrast to where I think you mentioned earlier in his life that there was probably a little bit of maybe selfishness of wanting something to happen where he was, because he was zeal full, um, in his youth.
But in his, in the later days of his life, all of a sudden it flips and there's just this like profound expression of love and, um, desire for other people to know the Lord, um, on the, on the last days of his life. And yeah. Yeah, that, um,
I guess for, for me and in my life, uh, there are a couple thoughts. Um, I don't have it as bad as David Brander had it, you know what I mean? Tb, I don't have the tb, I'm not coughing up blood. Um, but I do feel some days depression or melancholy or anxiety. And so there's a, I look at David Brander and I go like, he was faithful through it.
Yes. Like there, there's a path, there's a life to be lived that's faithful to the Lord through wilderness. That's super encouraging that there is a, there are people who have gone before us who have cried and wrestled and felt alone, and who ran their races. Well, I. And that's maybe the Hebrews 11 idea of like remembering the great crowd of witnesses.
Yes. Yes. And that's helpful for me. Mm-hmm. It was also helpful for me to be able to say that out loud, like, I'm struggling. Good. And people to say like, you know, in modern Christianity, it's like, if you don't fake, like your life's perfect, then you're not a real Christian. And I'm going like, oh, you, you actually don't, you never read the diaries of the real Christians.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, you, you don't know anything about, um, yeah. The c our Christian heritage. Mm-hmm. So on one hand you see. Like a vulnerability and a perseverance through hardship. And that's helpful to see that you can struggle and prevail. Mm-hmm. And then on the other hand, I think you see the idea that I think for all of us, like on our deathbeds, when we've lived in our life, well, it'll all make sense.
And that yes, I think is huge. It's, it's also interesting to think he's 29 on his deathbed and all of a sudden in life like. Comes rushing to this beautiful, yes, Christian, he never makes it to his thirties, but the things that he probably saw the Lord accomplish in his life is something that I, I, I pray that if my life is able to be used in that sense, like that, there's an ounce of that in my life.
But, but it is a perseverance of going, like all the days of my life, the highs and the lows, um, belong to Jesus. I'm, I'm living for Jesus. Yeah, yeah. Belong to Jesus fully. Yeah. And that I think is the, like again, the. The purifying that the wilderness brings, that wilderness seasons bring are like it. Life is just not about how comfortable I get to live, or even if my, like one of the things is Brainard Curley wanted to be a pastor, like he's never gonna be a pastor, uh, even if my personal ambitions aren't fulfilled.
But he comes to this place where life is just about serving Jesus every day. Um, I was telling Seth that there was one quote that really made me laugh. Uh, I'll, I have it written down somewhere, but he said. On his deathbed, at one point he said, I've experienced more joy today than all the trumpets in the world.
In other words, he's saying like, um, on his deathbed, like, I, I feel alive. I feel like I'm fulfilling God's plan. He says, at one point, like heaven for me is serving Jesus. And he, so he's like, heaven is not necessarily comfort and peace and laughter, but. Heaven or fulfillment is the fact that I get to, I get to give my life to Jesus as a living sacrifice.
I get to put myself on the altar. Um, and so that's super profound that we can come to the place in the wilderness where life's not about me, it's about giving myself to Jesus every day. Mm-hmm. And on a secondary, it's about really finding compassion and being able to give my life to other people. Yes.
Yeah, I think those are all. Incredible reminders that I need every day. Like I need to be re reminded that the pleasures of walking with Jesus and having my life filled with faith are more than the pleasures of sin and the world. Um, and, and even just comfort. Yes. And, and that like having a easy life is not in the goal.
No. And I, I need, I need to be reminded of that. I need to, I need to read and see and talk with other men and, and people. That are, are being honest about that, but also saying, honestly like the, the best thing that I can do is to experience the sweetness of God in prayer, even when I'm not feeling on top of the world too.
And I, I need to be reminded of that. I'm thankful for, for that. I think that, um, to like put a bow on that, we were talking about the James one, two, the Rejoice brothers, uh, when you have various trials or trials of various kinds. For you know that in testing your faith produces steadfastness and let's set fastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing.
The like, to me, David Brenner becomes the epitome of that. Yes. Text like rejoice in trials of various kinds because in testing and in the pressing, you're being perfected or sanctified and it really is like, I think what I've wanted you guys to take away from the wilderness series, this idea is that again, like life is just not about.
How much comfort we can have. Life is about putting ourselves on the altar for Jesus every day. Yes, serving and loving Jesus every day, and some days that's gonna be hard. Some days it's gonna be awesome, whatever the day brings, just keep getting on the altar. Keep giving your life to Jesus. And it's only there that.
You can lay on your deathbed one day and go like, my life was worth it. Yes. And it will be. Yeah. And, and the part about David Brander that's fun is that again, Jonathan Edwards collects his diaries, publishes his diaries, and, um, he's dead and, and still like super fruitful. Sure. Because every missionary, literally every mission around the world, around the world.
For a long time it was a requirement to read Bra. The Wesley's read Brainerd, like you can, Winfield reads Brainerd, like they, they all at some point were marked by his devotion and no one said in history like, Hey, that man struggled with depression and anxiety and being lonely. He sucks. Like everyone in history said, dude, that dude burned through it.
Yeah. I wanna do the same. Yeah. And that, and that's what I wanna say to you guys is like, yeah. On your deathbed, no one's gonna say, Hey, your life got really hard and you are a weak Christian. Like burn through it. Yeah. Like serve Jesus through it. And what people are gonna say is, I want to, I wanna run my race the, the way that he, amen.
That's how I feel. Amen. Brainer. I wanna say run my race well. Yes. Amen. Alright guys, I hope that's helpful for you and I love you and I'm praying for you. Reach out if you need anything. Um, and I'm in your corner. Life's gonna have highs and lows and in the lows, man, just remember that Jesus is using it.
He's refining you. He's, he's gonna. Also redeem it. Alright. Be blessed.