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What if you could get more of what you want in life? But not through pushing, forcing, or pressure.
You can.
When it comes to money, time, and energy, no one’s gonna turn away more.
And Kate Northrup, Bestselling Author of Money: A Love Story and Do Less and host of Plenty, is here to help you expand your capacity to receive all of the best.
As a Money Empowerment OG who’s been at it for nearly 2 decades, Kate’s the abundance-oriented best friend you may not even know you’ve always needed.
Pull up a chair every week with top thought leaders, luminaries, and adventurers to learn how to have more abundance with ease.
I wanted to be as raw and real and honest in this book because to me there's nothing worse than a polished book about grief. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because we connect through story. My pain when you read it, you can be like, it's not the same, but I understand.
Kris Carr:I didn't know that I could give myself permission to feel it, blah, blah, and talk about it.
Kate Northrup:Today, I have my dear friend, Kris Carr, with me. She's the New York Times bestselling author of Crazy Sexy Diet and many others as well as her brand new book, It's Not Dope, It's a Euro. I'm not a morning person. Kris has been seen on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday and more, and she is here today sharing with us the incredible experience of really going to the places that she didn't wanna go before and the guidance for those moments when life pulls the rug out from under us, which we have all experienced. So please lean in and enjoy this conversation with Chris Carr.
Kate Northrup:Welcome to Plenty. I'm your host, Kate Northrup, and together, we are going on a journey to help you have an incredible relationship with money, time, and energy, and to have abundance on every possible level. Every week, we're gonna dive in with experts and insights to help you unlock a life of plenty. Let's go fill our cups.
Voice Over:Please note that the opinions and perspectives of the guests on the Plenty podcast are not necessarily reflective of the opinions and perspectives of Kate Northrup or anyone who works within the Kate Northrup brand.
Kate Northrup:Hey, Chris. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me, Georgie. I'm so happy. Okay.
Kate Northrup:So something so I've known you for a long time. I don't know if you remember when we met, but I do. And it was at Donna Karan's Urban Zen, and it was at the same time that Gabby introduced me to you and Latham, and you were, like, sitting in the back of some kind of wellness event there. Anyway, so I'll never forget it. And, over the years, I have witnessed you and that was, like, I don't know, at least 15 years ago, if not more.
Kris Carr:Yeah.
Kate Northrup:Over the years, I have really witnessed you have this beautiful evolution to primarily talking about the body in the 3 d, like what we put into our bodies in terms of what we eat, which is super important and, you know, and, like, more of the 3 d to really, like, moving into the inner inner inner inner workings, not just the organs, but, like, all the other stuff in there. And it's been beautiful.
Kris Carr:Thank you. And this book,
Kate Northrup:I'm not a morning person, really took us to a place that I felt like as a long time reader of yours and also as a long time friend of yours, it was new. Like, this book about your heart and really beautiful. So first of all, I just wanna say congratulations. It's really brave and beautiful.
Kris Carr:I appreciate you. Thank you so much, Haneen. And we have known each other a long time. And, you know, it's funny because I I often say that the first part of my career, I was really focused on what you're eating.
Kate Northrup:Yeah.
Kris Carr:And now I'm focused on what's eating you.
Kate Northrup:Yes.
Kris Carr:And to me, that's what holistic wellness is all about. And starting with my diet and my lifestyle was really easy because when I was newly diagnosed as a cancer patient 21 years ago, I was terrified. And, you know, I wanted some sense of control. And so I could control how I was taking care of myself. I could control my food, I could control, you know, just some of the basics in a world that was so chaotic.
Kris Carr:And once I started to feel a little bit better, it's like you go deeper and deeper and deeper. And when you're ready, you go to the places that really scare you. But those places are where, you know, the cliche freedom lies. And it's unfortunately, it's true, because I've tried every way to avoid it, to hustle, to disprove it, to rebel against it. And I'm here to tell you,
Kate Northrup:it's true. You just gotta feel. You gotta go in. So you were diagnosed with cancer when you were 3rd 31. Yes.
Kate Northrup:Valentine's Day. Mhmm. What year? 20 2,000,000.
Kris Carr:293. 2
Kate Northrup:great. I'm like, I don't even know
Kris Carr:what time is. Okay. 220
Kate Northrup:ago. 2003. So and you have tell tell for folks who don't know who you are, which would be hard to imagine, but it's possible. What have you you've been a cancer thriver for 20 21 years now.
Kris Carr:So I live with stage 4 cancer. I have a rare sarcoma, and my disease can be slow growing or aggressive, and it can change at any time. So I've just been on a watch and wait, let cancer make the first move technical approach, but a watch and live, what can I do to participate in my well-being empowered approach? And that's what I've been practicing for 21 years, and my practice has changed over time as I have changed, as my life has changed. But I teach very basic principles because I think that so many of us get caught in the shiny object syndrome with the latest trend hack fad, whatever, you know, the influencers are doing, and we lose sight of the basics.
Kris Carr:And so I teach people how to create a very basic wellness plan that they can come back to like a home base that's forgiving and flexible and does have freedom in it, but has those basics of lifestyle medicine that is the essential, you know, components to a sustainable wellness practice.
Kate Northrup:Yeah. What do you think, I mean, you you and I like, one of the things I love about you is, like, you and I have pretty different, like, spiritual views, I because I remember we were talking well, first of all, I'll just ask you a straightforward question. What do you think about God? You know? Just an easy one to answer.
Kate Northrup:Listen.
Kris Carr:Let's go straight in. I, I have a fickle and feral faith. Yeah. So yeah. I, was raised by a bunch of wildlings, and I was allowed to kind of go my own way and and really figure out what spirituality meant for me.
Kris Carr:And, and over the years, it's meant many different things. And there have been times when I felt very connected to a force greater than my knowing, and there's been other times where I haven't. And I think the freedom that I allow myself is not to feel the stress or to to push, myself to believe something that not may not always resonate. And, I think faith is something that that can change and evolve over time, especially if you allow yourself to pursue it without any dogma or any, judgment. I also have a lot of I get a lot of connection and reward from learning how to appreciate my own company.
Kris Carr:And I I'd say that's probably been the greatest source of my practice, like that the greatest, result of a practice where, you know, we come here alone, we leave here alone. There's gonna be so many times along the way where we're terrified, where we don't know what to do, where we're lost, and we're out of sorts and even out of sorts with ourselves. And to be able to come back to that place where you truly are, you know, your heart your own heart stone has been so profound for me, especially, you know, it started outside of my oncologist office, quite honestly. You know, it's those moments where I'm there to find out, okay, has it gotten aggressive? Has it changed?
Kris Carr:Is now the time there's still no cure? Like, what's gonna happen where that deep practice of self friendship was born? Like, hey. You know what? We're gonna go in together.
Kris Carr:No matter what happens, I got your back. We'll figure it out like we always have, and I love you. Let's go do this. Let's go rock this, kid.
Kate Northrup:Yeah. Yes. It's like how you're talking to yourself, how you're relating to yourself. 100%. Because for
Kris Carr:me I mean, each and each and every one of us, you're gonna spend the most time on this planet with you. If you don't like you, we got a problem. You can pray to anybody you wanna pray to. Okay? But if we don't if you don't like you, we got some deep work to do.
Kris Carr:And I think that it's okay because there's gonna be times in your life perhaps where you don't like you. Yeah. And that is okay, but how can we then tend to that relationship? So when you as you,
Kate Northrup:not when you, because it was not one moment in time, but as you've made that transition to you know, you started out with your career with what are you eating, and it's transitioned so that you're also talking about what's eating you, although you were talking about that before, but it's, like, a little bit more. Right? What were some of the things that were eating you that you were not wanting to tend to? I you know, of course, you talk about them in the book, so I'm not, you know, I'm not, like, spilling any.
Kris Carr:It's okay.
Kate Northrup:But, like, yeah, what were some of those things that you didn't you were, like, maybe wanting to, like, work to avoid or did it you know, because we all do it. Right? Like, we all have our mechanisms that we're, like, I would rather not go there. I'm gonna I'm gonna work. I'm gonna drink.
Kate Northrup:I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna do whatever. I'm gonna date inappropriate people. I'm gonna you know, we've got our stuff. So, like and and I think probably at the end of the day, those things we're wanting to avoid are universal, which is why your book is so good. Thank you.
Kate Northrup:But, like, yeah, like, what
Kris Carr:were what was some of that just for you? Grief, trauma, and rage. Okay. Small stuff. Yeah.
Kris Carr:Really small stuff. It it's interesting because I started to write this book during the pandemic, and I was on another journey, and this was the journey of my chosen father's diagnosis. And the anticipatory grief of knowing that he wasn't gonna make it, but he was still here and being very connected to my parents and also, you know, very present for that period, very intentional about that presence. And I knew that to write this book, I would have to go to the places that scared me. And the truth is is that I think our publishers probably wanted me to write something different because it's a big topic.
Kris Carr:And a lot of times when people write about grief, I think the the assumption is is that, oh, people won't buy that book because even if you are grieving, it's too hot to touch. You know? And so I thought long and hard about that. Well, maybe I could write a cheerleading, you know, you got this. You're awesome, you know, book, which I still might write.
Kris Carr:Yeah. But nothing in my body could do it because it just wasn't where I was, but, also, I knew I wanted to go someplace deeper.
Kate Northrup:Mhmm.
Kris Carr:And so I tend to tackle difficult topics. It's part of who I am. Right? And I write about cancer. I write about vegetables.
Kris Carr:You know what I mean? For some people,
Kate Northrup:that's terrifying. You know? And,
Kris Carr:and I and then this book is about the the big messy emotions that happen when life falls apart. So when I started the process, I realized that there truly was a hole in my education. And even though I've been in the wellness world for 2 decades, and I've had the privilege of speaking on some of the greatest stages with the greatest people I was avoiding, as you said, you know, hustling harder doing all of my own things that I do to avoid the big stuff. And grief was number 1. And my therapist said something interesting.
Kris Carr:She said, you know, when the grief train pulls into the station, it brings all the cars. It brings the stuff that you thought you were over, the the stuff that you how does this still trouble me? I thought I grew beyond this. And it brings up past traumas too, that maybe have been buried in your body or buried in the bones of your psyche, the graveyard of your psyche. And it's all coming up for healing for your own benefit.
Kris Carr:And what I didn't understand in each chapter in the book is kind of focused to a different focus on a different behavior or experience that you may happen when the rug gets pulled out from under you. What I didn't understand was some of the other trickier emotions that would also come up when I was brave enough to invite these feelings in. And, like, for example, one of the chapters is on rage.
Kate Northrup:Yeah.
Kris Carr:And so that chapter. You did? Thank you.
Kate Northrup:I mean,
Kris Carr:a lot yeah. It was spicy.
Kate Northrup:Was very spicy. Very spicy. Yeah. It
Kris Carr:was scary to write, actually. I bet. You know, it was very vulnerable, very transparent. I wanted to be as raw and real and honest in this book because to me, there's nothing worse than a polished book about grief
Kate Northrup:or a polish very
Kris Carr:hard to read. Pain. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because we connect through story.
Kris Carr:My pain, when you read it, you can be like, it's not the same, but I understand. I didn't know that I could give myself permission to feel it, let alone talk about it. Yeah. So, yeah, I I was the night before it came out, I was it was one of those books where this is my 7th one, and there's only been 2 where I'm like, really?
Kate Northrup:What was the other one?
Kris Carr:My first one because I didn't know what I
Kate Northrup:was doing.
Kris Carr:You know what I mean? Yeah. And it was also called crazy sexy cancer tips, and everybody was like, don't call it that, and I was like, no. I will. Going to.
Kris Carr:Yeah. And that was also a very raw and real book. It it's sort of like you go back to the beginning. Yeah. No.
Kris Carr:And that's what I did.
Kate Northrup:So I grew up in a WASPI household where, like, we just didn't, like, do rage or yelling or, like, any sort of, like, large emotional expression. I know that you and I have, like, different upbringings, but there's some, like, similar threads. So why do you think for you, where was that gap in your education? Was it from modeling? Was it just, like, that wasn't done in your household?
Kate Northrup:What was the deal?
Kris Carr:I think it's probably a bit of everything. You know, I think as children, when you don't have words to describe your emotions, and you're, you don't have those words, and maybe you grew up in an environment where you're walking on eggshells and you're scared to rock the boat and, and, you know, mess with the energy in the house, it's already quite tenuous. Then you're you're very worried about how your emotions will be perceived, and you don't even know how to describe them. As I said, the same you bring that through to adulthood. So for me, it's always been the difficult, the big difficult conversations that I will shy away from.
Kris Carr:Or when I'm flooded by emotion, I'm very inarticulate, and it to it it brings me back to that place. It's like we have to reparent ourselves. And even our if our parents did the best that they could, we And even our if our parents did the best that they could, we all have to reparent ourselves in some way. You know? You modeled it the other day when you and I were talking on the phone, and I said I had I hadn't gotten back to you and I was, you know, filled with all the things that I have to do just like we do.
Kris Carr:You know what I mean? And I said, oh my gosh. I feel so guilty. And you had made space for me to come on the show, and you had to move some people around. And I said, I feel so guilty.
Kris Carr:And you said, I'm so sorry you feel that. You know? But you didn't try to fix it. I'm sorry you feel that. You didn't say you have no reason to feel guilty.
Kris Carr:You just literally I thought about that on drive here. You held the space for me to share that I felt guilty, and you held that. And, you know, and then we dealt with it, and you made space for me. But if you couldn't have fit me in, we wouldn't have done it. You know what I mean?
Kris Carr:And it was so refreshing. It's those little moments and those little opportunities throughout the day, not just the big conversations. Like, I I was adopted my by my biological my by my chosen father and, rejected by my biological father. And so, you know, you think about the big moments in life or the big rejections, the big abandonments, the big ruptures. And those conversations, of course, we shy away from them because they put us into fight, flight, freeze.
Kris Carr:It's literally a mental and and full body experience. And so we'll do whatever we can to keep ourselves safe. Right. But I'm not talking just about the big moments. I'm talking about the little moments that make up a friendship, a relationship, healthy relationship to your own emotions, your ability to articulate what's happening for you.
Kris Carr:These are huge victories. And I think that so many of us, we don't stop to recognize how important it is when we're brave enough to do it Yeah. Let alone to have a friend or a relationship who's willing to meet us. You know, it's it's it's always, to me, in the details of the little moments.
Kate Northrup:One of the things that that story you shared actually makes me think of one of the things I love about the way you write this book is it is not tied up in a pretty bow, and it really is it's a very healing book to read. So I won't say it's not helpful. It's, like, actually hugely helpful. And in fact, right when you sent me It's, like, actually hugely helpful. And, in fact, right when you sent me the galley, my cousin, who's, like, my sister, lost her mother unexpectedly.
Kate Northrup:So I was able to read the book and then pass it to her immediately, and it was it was very, as someone who loves someone who is grieving, it felt so good to be able to pass something along that I thought could meet her where she was because we don't know what to say when people are going through something. Right? And, what I love is that this this your body of work around loss and grief and, is not about fixing it. It really is about being with it, and that takes a lot of courage because we really wanna fix to make it go away. And I'm curious what are some of the practices that you leaned into when the train, the grief train, rolled into the station with the rage train and figure out, like, all the trains to actually stay and feel perhaps some of the feelings that Yeah.
Kate Northrup:Had been around for a while that there wasn't space for before? Like, what were some of the actual things that you did to have allow space to feel those things? Not to pretend that that's, like, a one and done. Like, obviously, it continues.
Kris Carr:It's it really would depend on what the day called for. You know, I remember when we were talking about dying for the first time, my dad and I. And I was so scared. I didn't know how to talk about dying with somebody who was dying. And we're all gonna die, and yet we are walking around totally useless.
Kris Carr:We're so useless when it comes to death. You know, it's like everybody knows what to do when a baby is coming. I I don't know what to do, but I know how to buy presents.
Kate Northrup:You are a fucking amazing aunt,
Kris Carr:though. Thank you. When they get a little older. Like, I don't really know what to know to do with them when they're little and you could really hurt them
Kate Northrup:Yeah.
Kris Carr:By just being you know? It's just babies are
Kate Northrup:so much more durable than you think.
Kris Carr:I don't know. But there's all of this pomp and circumstance when a kid comes into the world as it it should be because it's really special, but it's also really special when you leave. And but we we we are domesticated in this grief phobic, messy emotions of our society, so we institutionalize it. We commercialize it. We we put it someplace else because it's too ugly to look at or it's too terrifying because we're afraid we're gonna get it wrong.
Kris Carr:That's the kind of stuff that I made the intention that no matter how badly I felt, I was not gonna do that. And so we started with conversations, like my therapist said to start by talking about talking about it. Right? So I said, hey, dad. I don't know if you wanna have this conversation, and and he's already in the hospice.
Kris Carr:Well, not quite in the hospice stage, but I said, I if you want to, I'm I'm here for it, but I want you to know that I'm gonna fall apart. Maybe I'm gonna say something dumb. Maybe I'm gonna cry and feel uncomfortable, maybe. And if all of that's okay, you name the time. And he was like, I'd really love that because it's so lonely because everybody else is moving forward, and I'm dying.
Kris Carr:And I just wanna see how everybody's story ends, and I feel like, you know, everybody's speaking quickly, and I'm slowing down cognitively. And I would appreciate that. And and we wouldn't you know? In the past, I might have been like, it's just too heavy to talk about. I don't wanna make the moment depressed.
Kris Carr:You know what I mean? I don't wanna mess with the vibe. Oh, the vibe. Wow. You know?
Kris Carr:Keep it high. Yeah. Guess what? You know how you keep the vibe vibe fucking high? You talk about it.
Kris Carr:Yeah. You talk about what is necessary to to speak of, and that to me was such a huge lesson just even in that simple dialogue. And then we talked about it, and I was incredibly inspired by the conversations that we had. And so get support. I couldn't have done this without my true blues, without my therapist, without movement, because there's a lot of times where I had to discharge energy and go for a walk or a run or a hike, even lift some weights, which you inspire me so much.
Kris Carr:Oh my god. This girl. Oh my god. When you're lifting those big barbells, and I'm like this, I'm like, that's amazing. But I did this.
Kate Northrup:You know? So good. Yeah.
Kris Carr:Getting in your body. Totally. And then, honestly, there's 2 other tips. There's a ton of tips in in the book to kinda help you go through the waves that we'll hit. But going back to what you said earlier is we don't have to fix anything.
Kris Carr:Yeah. And I love fixing things because I you know, I'm a Virgo. I'm very controlling. Like, I I got the plan, and I probably know better than anybody else what needs to happen. At least that's what this brain tells me, which is so false and puts so much work on my plate.
Kate Northrup:Yeah.
Kris Carr:And so it's like deprogramming and saying, I don't have to fix anything. I just have to listen and be present. Right. And then the other thing is whenever I was truly lost, I would ask myself, well, what would love do? What would love say?
Kris Carr:How would love respond? And I know I wasn't always able to do it, but it it would it would be that guiding question that would get me back into a place where I was connected and hopefully doing something positive.
Kate Northrup:Yeah. And how did walking your dad walking with your dad through this experience, you know, very closely, how did that impact the way you show up in other areas of your life that also have to do with, like, grief and loss? You know? I know that you spoke a little bit about your diagnosis in the book. And, like, obviously, like, any any major thing in life comes with any yes comes with no's, and any new path also comes with like, it all like, we're we're losing things all the time.
Kate Northrup:Mhmm. Right? But we're not usually present to that. So, yeah, I'm just curious, like, how it helped you relate to other areas of your life. I'm more stress hardy.
Kris Carr:I'm I'm definitely more stress hardy, and I'm less, reactionary. I'm less triggered by stress and catastrophe. You know? It it's it really was a grounding experience, but also, I think it gave me the opportunity to deal with some of my own trauma from my own diagnosis. And, you know, somebody has talked about her diagnosis for 20 years and used it as a springboard for the teachings that I do.
Kris Carr:It can become very, like, nonchalant part of everything. It's it's not something I'm scared of talking about. And yet there was definitely a much deeper reservoir of sadness for the life that I thought I was gonna have but didn't have. Even though I very much love my life, there was some untended to grief, that needed addressing there. And so that was a real gift for me in I'd say the other thing is that I've noticed that you have there's moments where we have these big wake up calls in life, and maybe maybe for some out there, it might not be a wake up call.
Kris Carr:Maybe it's a warning sign. You know, but you know that the there's something up that you have to tend to. Things are not going in the direction you want them to go. For me, it was a full blown wake up call. But as time goes on, it's easy to go back to sleep.
Kris Carr:Yeah. Because life happens and great things happen and change happens and busyness happens. And we can't stay in this constant place of consciousness, enlightenment. You know, we're gonna go in and out. And I think this experience woke me up again.
Kris Carr:And instead of punishing myself or being difficult on myself or judging myself for going back to sleep, I realized sleeping and waking is just about shrinking the amount of time between the 2. And what I had gone back to sleep about was impermanence, truly, because so many of us have more days behind us than in front of us. And we all want to have that feeling where we're living fully. We're feeling good in our bodies, in our lives. There's flow.
Kris Carr:We feel connected, freedom, passion, all of those things. But it's easy to lose sight of what truly lights us up and and sort of breeze that life force into us in our everyday Michigas. You know what I mean? I don't think I said that right. Michigas.
Kris Carr:Michigas. Gas. Oh, I know. You know, let me
Kate Northrup:know. I am not fluent in Yiddish.
Kris Carr:But it's easy to lose sight. Yeah. You know? And my my dad gave me so many wisdom bombs throughout the book, and the the fatherly advice ratcheted up as his days wound down. You know?
Kris Carr:Like, make sure you get your oil changed and make sure you trade your car in 50,000 miles. You've been going way too far with that car. Like, you know, you make sure you do this and make sure you do that. And I was taking all these notes frantically about all the things, mostly because I just didn't wanna miss anything. And so but one of the things that he said was, you know, we have it all backwards, love.
Kris Carr:We were just sharing a gin and tonic. We were in, you know, I think we were in Martha's Vineyard, and we were, just really enjoying this summer break around his birthday. And he's like, I never would have given myself something like this this summer break because like many of us, he owned his own business, and the summer was his busy season. And he said, we work so hard for later. For once this is over, then I'll then I'll play golf with my brother, then I'll do all the things once I retire.
Kris Carr:But all of those summers, I didn't give myself this experience. And here I am dying, and I don't have many more of these experiences. And he said, you have to make your golden years now. And that was the reawakening for
Kate Northrup:me.
Kris Carr:And and what I've been trying to do on every single interview that I've done is pass that wisdom on because we can we can weave golden moments into every single day of our lives. And those golden moments add up over time like a beautiful necklace, and that is what makes a life, a fully lived life, or those everyday golden moments.
Kate Northrup:Yeah. I have seen that shift in you. Really? For sure. Oh.
Kate Northrup:Like, for sure for sure. He that wisdom is absolutely living on in you. I appreciate that. It's really beautiful.
Kris Carr:Thank you.
Kate Northrup:Yeah.
Kris Carr:Yeah. Thank you.
Kate Northrup:Yeah. And I'm curious because you are a very successful business owner and because it can be tempting. You know, there's never an end to all the possibilities that we could be creating. There's never an end to the to do list. Like, you know, there never is.
Kate Northrup:Like, we're gonna die with a long to do list. So long. That's just gonna be what it is. Yeah. It's gonna take so long.
Kate Northrup:So we're never gonna get it all done. And so I'm curious how has the the experience with your dad shifted your relationship to work? I mean, you spoke to it there some, but, is there anything else you would wanna share about that and your relationship with your business?
Kris Carr:Yeah. I mean, honestly, that's my fertile ground. That's where I go to Naughtytown USA. You know? That's that's the place where all the wisdom goes to die.
Kris Carr:Amazing.
Kate Northrup:Thank you for your honesty. It's true.
Kris Carr:It's like I I have seen myself flex it in other areas, and then when I'm conscious and when I have that awareness of, like, oh, but this is the place where, you know, you really need to bring this practice. This is the place where you you can flex these muscles more. And I think I I tend to be somebody who gets into the weeds. I get into the, you know, down. I'm like the janitor with the plunger, and then I grab the golden mic and, you know, and just sort of re retraining myself to stay up, and really focus on the things that matter and that that move the needle, not just for the business, but for our happiness in the business, for the culture.
Kris Carr:The people that work with me are the people I spend the most time with.
Kate Northrup:Yeah.
Kris Carr:And so when when we think about it that way, it's like just like the energy that you bring into a space with somebody who's going through a difficult time or somebody who's dying really matters. The energy that you bring to your business and the people that you work with and the customers that you serve really matters. And if your energy is off, it's depleted, you're running on empty, it's very difficult to create that energy that magnetizes more abundance and more flow and more ease. And so, you know, again, it's just about saying, okay. I'm out of alignment.
Kris Carr:How do I recalibrate? And you're such a great mentor for me with that because you are always, like, prim, do less. Do less. You don't need that. Get rid of that.
Kris Carr:Don't do that. You know what I mean? And it's such a freedom because I think, you know, especially in a world that's all about more Yeah. The freedom to do less and to have friends and colleagues who are on you know, very dedicated to that is so smart because that means we can go deeper
Kate Northrup:Right.
Kris Carr:With the few things that we do. Yes. And I think that it's just it's that's where the riches are.
Kate Northrup:It is where the riches are, and we also all do have our own fertile ground where we go to. What did you say, Graham?
Kris Carr:Naughtytown USA. K. The town in the USA. It's called Naughtytown.
Kate Northrup:Like, we all have our place where we go to go unconscious, and I'm so glad you called yourself out on that. I mean, I certainly can do that in my work life. I can do that in any manner of of ways as well. But having friendships that can reflect back and be you know, like, our mutual friend, Marie, like, she's really good about saying no. She just says no to pretty much everything, and so I always think, like, what would Marie do?
Kate Northrup:She would definitely say no. Yeah. Do I wanna do that? I don't know. This is my naughty town USA.
Kate Northrup:It's, like, saying yes to do many things. So I tell you to do less, but then I go turn around, and I say yes to do many things. But I'm curious, like, you and you also, like, you keep it tight in terms of your social circle.
Kris Carr:Yeah.
Kate Northrup:You're more of an introvert. You know? And, for you, what was helpful during this time of grieving in terms of that tighter circle being supportive? Because as I mentioned before, so I have experienced, obviously, some loss. I mean, like, I couldn't be human without that, but not a major key player in my life at this point, which is kind of amazing, actually.
Kate Northrup:And my time will come, obviously. Mhmm. But, like, as a as a friend to people experiencing loss, what was the most helpful, supportive thing that people could do, and how could they they could be around you at this time?
Kris Carr:You know, just that checking in and not having expectations, because I was so flooded. And and, honestly, it's flooded for years. Yeah. It it wasn't just like, oh, a couple weeks later, bounce back. No.
Kris Carr:Grief and love are two sides of the same coin. The more you love, the more you're gonna grieve, and there isn't a timeline on it. It softens. Yeah. It definitely softens, but as I'm sharing stories about my dad and, you know, some of the the the traumas that I've experienced in my life, emotions there.
Kris Carr:Yeah. Right? And that's part of it. And so just having people that would check-in, of course, that bring me a lasagna. Just just bring me a lasagna.
Kate Northrup:So lit just taking notes. So lasagna.
Kris Carr:It's very simple. It it's it's those little things. I have a chapter in the book that's called awkward times, awkward people, and it's Oh, good.
Kate Northrup:It's the things that we say. It's so good.
Kris Carr:And sometimes we say weird shit. Yeah. Right? And I've said weird shit, and I'll say it again. Right?
Kris Carr:Because, again, we we grow up not having language for this. And so, I remember, like, I I talk a little bit about cancer faux pas and grief faux pas too. You know, like, I I was recently recently diagnosed. Oh, how long do you have to live?
Kate Northrup:People said that to you?
Kris Carr:Oh, yes. It's it's it's like a car crash. You know? It's like rubber necking. Is that what it's called?
Kris Carr:Rubber bumping? I don't know what it's called.
Kate Northrup:Rubber necking. Rubber Rubber baby bumpers? Yeah. I don't know what it is.
Kris Carr:But it's like you slow down to see see you can see a femur or something. You
Kate Northrup:know what I mean?
Kris Carr:It's people do it.
Kate Northrup:It's crazy. No way. No.
Kris Carr:But I think we don't know what to say, and so weird stuff comes out of our mouth. The same thing happens with grief. Oh, he's in a better place now. Oh, why are you so sad? It was just a dog.
Kris Carr:Oh, you'll have another child. Like, you know, all of that stuff. Again, oftentimes, we just wanna make the person feel better.
Kate Northrup:Because it's back to the same thing we're trying to fix.
Kris Carr:We're trying to fix. Or we're we want them to feel like, hey. You know what? I get it. Yeah.
Kris Carr:So what I'm gonna do right now is center myself and make it all about me. Oh, this happened to you? Get a load of this. Listen to what happened to me for 37 hours until you're exhausted. You know?
Kris Carr:And you're wondering when the conversation is gonna come back to you is not, and that's exhausting.
Kate Northrup:So don't do
Kris Carr:that. Don't do that. Yeah. Right? And, obviously, I'm being cheeky right now.
Kris Carr:But it's also accurate.
Kate Northrup:Like, I mean, you are being cheeky, but, you know, cheeky because it's based in truth.
Kris Carr:It's true. And but and then here's me. This is my problem. Right? Because I'm a wellness coach.
Kris Carr:I'm a thought leader, so get ready for the advice. Yeah. Oh, it's coming. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Kris Carr:And you have to be able to say to somebody who's going through a difficult time, do you want advice? Yeah. Or do you you wanna brainstorm, or do you just want me to be an ear? Totally. Because as my wonderful husband will will say when I share advice unsolicited, nobody paid you for that.
Kris Carr:Nobody was looking for that strategy session. I'm just curious why you think anyone wanted it.
Kate Northrup:Nobody paid you for that.
Kris Carr:You know?
Kate Northrup:Oh, yeah.
Kris Carr:But that's that comes from my own discomfort. Yeah. So so we all have our ways, and and I'd say it really just comes back to being present, being willing to go to the places that scare us. Right? Being willing to sit in places that are difficult with your person, with somebody you care about.
Kate Northrup:I know. And the thing is, like, because you have had the courage and continue to have the courage to sit in those places of yours, you have become somebody who can sit there with other people. It's like when we are trying to fix, it's because it's our own discomfort, and maybe we haven't grown the capacity to sit with it being uncomfortable. And one of the things, when we moved to Miami, our oldest was just having a hell of a time, and she would wail sometimes for hours at bedtime like she had been possessed. And it was so intense, but trying to fix it for sure made it worse.
Kate Northrup:And so I would just sit with her and rock her as she would just, like, scream and say one word over and over again. I mean, it was, like, hell. I mean, it was awful. However, I really was, like, could find a place in there that I could just be, and I was able to, like, feel a literal physical feeling of an increased capacity
Kris Carr:Yeah.
Kate Northrup:To just sit with discomfort. And I'm curious. Did you have that similar feeling during this of, like like, you actually can feel physically more space
Kris Carr:At times.
Kate Northrup:For discomfort sometimes?
Kris Carr:Yeah. Absolutely. I think whenever I wanna know more about something, it always starts with curiosity for me, and then creativity kicks in after that. And so it's a it's a great way to be sneaky too because you can trick yourself. You know what I mean?
Kris Carr:If you know that there's something a place in your life where you could use some growth, get curious about it. And, that curiosity is what led me to really go, okay. There are a lot of emotions that I actually don't have a lot of literacy around. And, first of all, what are emotions? Yeah.
Kris Carr:And and and it just came back to this idea that our emotions are energy, and energy needs to go someplace. If it doesn't move, it becomes stagnant. Our emotions are also information, and yet so many of us wanna amputate our emotions so that we can fit in. And we wanna amputate our emotions, but in the same breath, we wanna be whole. And so you can't amputate any part of yourself and expect to be whole.
Kris Carr:It's like if if so I have tumors and, as you know, in my liver and both of my lungs, if I was like, you are unbecoming. Okay? You are inappropriate. You need to go I can't it doesn't work that way. Right?
Kris Carr:There's a lot of information that if I get curious about my tumors, they can teach me things. Same thing with our emotions. And so I've grown the capacity by staying connected to that curiosity and by also learning how to self soothe more. I bet you I know you are very good at this because I see you on Instagram, and I'm always so ex like, when you float with people, do you know what I mean? Like, how what is going on?
Kris Carr:It's just amazing. There's people floating in your arms. You know? You know how to regulate the nervous system, but guess what? It's a superpower Mhmm.
Kris Carr:To know how to regulate your nervous system. So the fact that you can sit there with pee and help her regulate her nervous system, there's no doubt in my mind that when the shit hits the fan internally for you, you also know what to do to care for yourself.
Kate Northrup:Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes.
Kris Carr:Yeah. And if you don't
Kate Northrup:And if I don't, I, you know, I phone a friend. You phone a friend and you come back in. Exactly. Yeah. What are some of those self soothing things that you turn to?
Kate Northrup:I know we're all different, and we all have our own things that we do. But I'm just curious, like, what are some I mean, I know you're a meditator Yes. And a mover.
Kris Carr:A meditator and a mover. I'm also a journaler. I I often ask myself questions. How do you feel? What can I do for you?
Kris Carr:What's happening, sweetheart? Are you okay? Yeah. You know how much I love you? You're doing a great job.
Kris Carr:I know it doesn't feel that way. I know you feel like you totally fucked up, but you didn't. And you know what? The sun is gonna rise tomorrow, and it's all gonna be over. You're fine.
Kris Carr:Would you like a tea? Would you like a wine? What would you like, darling? How can I help you? A little chocolate?
Kate Northrup:Oh, good.
Kris Carr:It's literally I just speak to myself.
Kate Northrup:Out loud or inside your head?
Kris Carr:Sometimes sometimes I walk down the street saying it, and people are a little taken aback. Yeah. Like, is this person in need? So sweet. Yeah.
Kris Carr:I do it in the mirror. I do it on my walks. I do it, you know, in my journal. I
Kate Northrup:Wow. I love that.
Kris Carr:Brian will say, like, who are you talking to? Oh, never mind. You say never mind? He says. Oh, he said that.
Kate Northrup:He'll he'll
Kris Carr:catch him.
Kate Northrup:Because he's like, well, I'm aware of what's happening over you too.
Kris Carr:Coaching herself.
Kate Northrup:Doing self coaching, buddy. Do you ever talk to Brian that way?
Kris Carr:A little bit, but he's not really for it.
Kate Northrup:Yeah. He doesn't really seem like his vibe. Hey, Julie.
Kris Carr:I'll be like, see, what's on your heart? Do you wanna talk about it? You know? And he's like, no. I put everything in the man jar on my shelf, and I close it up.
Kate Northrup:Oh my god.
Kris Carr:I'm like, should we open the jar? He's like, no. We shouldn't open the jar.
Kate Northrup:All is well.
Kris Carr:But occasionally, I have actually taken that advice. Like, sometimes when it's just a bridge too far, he'd be like, put it on the man shelf for now. I actually like, so Close that up right now.
Kate Northrup:I think that we can absolutely swing the pendulum. Maybe not you. I will speak for myself. I can swing the pendulum too far into the feelings.
Kris Carr:Too much feelings.
Kate Northrup:And I think that I could absolutely take a tip from Brian, and Mike is over there shaking his head yes on set. I could absolutely put it in the jar and just throw it up on the shelf. And just like you know, I I think I was on a psilocybin journey when I got the download that, like That's good. I need to just, like because sometimes my feelings come with a lot of thoughts. And, like, I think so I'm curious.
Kate Northrup:I got this download about, like, especially when I'm with my husband, I need to be, like, less talking, more feeling, and less, like, thinking you know, less thinking, more feeling. But I find that, like, sometimes, like, talking about my feelings, like, amps up a thing versus actually feeling them. Like, that's actually 2 different things. Can you talk about that in your experience of your emotional journey over the last couple of years becoming emotionally literate?
Kris Carr:That's so good. That I've never been asked this question, and I'm still piecing it together. So let's see what comes out. Great. Yes.
Kris Carr:I can get myself into a lather. Okay? If because sometimes it tips over into complaining and ruminating. Yeah. And that's really the that's the anatomy of anxiety.
Kris Carr:It's about a worry about something that may or may not happen. It's a place where we're spinning out, and, you know, it's almost like thinking about if you've ever seen a dog with a hot spot, and they're licking, licking, licking. Right? And you have to sort of break the pattern in that moment. And for me, when I'm in those lathers, that's a clear sign I'm in my head, or maybe I'm even, like, having an out of my mind experience,
Kate Northrup:and
Kris Carr:I gotta get back into my body. So I have to breathe, I have to cook, I have to go and work out. I have to just lie on the floor and moan. Like, I have to get back into my body, which brings me back to that present moment. And, you know, the the joke of the man jar.
Kris Carr:I think that's from a Bill Burr comedy special. Perfect. And, you know, maybe and so, but it's not gender specific. It's literally, like, there are times when maybe your emotions will flood you out, and so you know that you can take them in doses. Yes.
Kris Carr:You you you don't wanna make it so that the jar explodes. I remember one time when I was little and I was home by myself, and I wasn't supposed to do this. I think I was 8, and I put chef boyardee ravioli in the oven Mhmm.
Kate Northrup:In the can. Yes. Not optimal.
Kris Carr:Oh my gosh. The oven door blew off and across the room, and there was ravioli like a death scene, like a murder all over the walls.
Kate Northrup:Oh my god.
Kris Carr:I was only left alone for a little bit, and that happened.
Kate Northrup:Uh-huh.
Kris Carr:And when I my mother's coming home from working 2 job jobs, and I've got a sponge making it so much worse. Do you know what I mean?
Kate Northrup:Well, I can imagine because I have an 8 year old, and I'm imagining her cleaning up this mess, and it would be an adventure.
Kris Carr:It was it was a serious adventure. And so it's kinda like that jar. You can't let it get. I'm gonna bring it back to the jar. You can't let it get that much pressure that it explodes.
Kris Carr:No. You can't. Sometimes you don't have to feel it all.
Kate Northrup:I was so in the visual that I even forgot what we were talking about. I was just with the can of where he oh, that's intense. No. But it's true. And in, you know, in nervous system world, we talk about titration, which is, like, small doable pieces because the flooding, like you said, really can be too much.
Kate Northrup:And if somebody does have a history of trauma, that can be retraumatizing, actually, to feel so many things at the same time without the proper resources or support. So I love the feelings, Jar. Sometimes you just put the lid back on. It's great. Go for a walk.
Kate Northrup:Lie on the ground and moan. I I like your tool of lying on the ground and moaning. That one never occurred to me, but I'm adding it.
Kris Carr:It's so good.
Kate Northrup:It to my toolbox. So good. Yeah. Okay. So, Kris Carr Ma'am?
Kate Northrup:This book has been out for a year. What have been some of the most beautiful conversations you've had? Some of the most beautiful ways meaningful ways that this has landed on people's hearts?
Kris Carr:So many conversations that, that I've had. I've I think I've done probably about a 100 or so interviews, and it's I was counting. I think that's a
Kate Northrup:lot, Chris.
Kris Carr:It's been fun, actually. Oh, great. For the introvert.
Kate Northrup:Yeah. Yeah. I'm coming up. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Kate Northrup:We played that song earlier.
Kris Carr:Yes. Just to have heartfelt conversations and to go to deeper places with people and to see, quite honestly, a lot of tears coming from the people who interview me and are willing to have the conversation. And, meeting all these incredible humans where they are without the polish Yeah. And without the walls that we put up. Yeah.
Kris Carr:And then also having a lot of conversations with people after the fact saying, I didn't know I was gonna need this. And then a few months later, my dog passed, or I lost my job or I had a miscarriage. And so loss happens, as you said earlier, in so many different ways all throughout our days and lives. And I love manifesting, and I love all of the, like, spiritual candy. Do you know?
Kris Carr:Like, who doesn't want to get high on spiritual candy? It's so fun.
Kate Northrup:Yeah.
Kris Carr:Like, give me a dream planner all day long. Absolutely.
Kate Northrup:You
Kris Carr:know? And it's just fun. But I gotta say, this is the work that really clears the way Yeah. For the life you wanna live and the life you wanna create. Yeah.
Kris Carr:And so if you're afraid of having these conversations, this is a great guide. I'm funny. You know? I You are.
Kate Northrup:It's it's one of my favorite things about you.
Kris Carr:I try to make the the medicine go down a little easier with joy and laughter, because it is my intention to really touch people. Yeah. I know that this book is the most important book I will ever write, and, it changed me. So I'm so grateful to it, and I'm also grateful for every part of my life, even the difficult parts that allowed me to be who I am.
Kate Northrup:Yeah. Do you, do you, like, ever talk to your dad?
Kris Carr:Do you feel him? Does he show up? I do. I that's why I say I have with faith, I'm fickle, feral, fluid. Yeah.
Kris Carr:You know what I mean? Like, every single day, I'm changing what I feel about it. Yes. I have put I I mean, a lot of you know, after he died, I had a really profound moment where we were walking on the beach, my mom and I. He died on February 11th, and my my cancer bursary is February 14th, as you said.
Kris Carr:And so A big week. Yeah. It was really big, and that was my 20 year. And so I was only given 10 years. So it it it's a milestone, and yet I was in such deep grief.
Kris Carr:How can I celebrate my life when his life in physical form is over? So it was very, very difficult. And, you know, he used to get us roses. And I remember Brian that morning on Valentine's Day said, should I get your mom roses? Is that weird?
Kris Carr:I don't know what to do. And he was him and hon, and he felt so uncomfortable. And I said, look. If you feel this uncomfortable, they're not yours to give. It's okay.
Kris Carr:Yeah. And so my mom and I went to the beach, and we went for this very long I mean, we're still shell shocked A 100%. You know, Even though the his actual passing was quite beautiful. And we're walking further and further down the beach, and we're talking about him, and then I see these 2 red roses standing up in the sand. And I said to my mom, I like, mom, oh, my gosh.
Kris Carr:And we took pictures. And we, you know, we just sat there for probably I don't know, it felt like an hour. And it really felt like it was him. And so we we took them back to the car. We get to the car, and there's this little apartment complex, and I see this guy getting ready to watch a show on Netflix and getting into his lazy boy and then looking up and peering into his apartment.
Kris Carr:Like, what are you watching? And have I seen
Kate Northrup:that show?
Kris Carr:I like my shows. And and it says surviving death. And I you know what
Kate Northrup:I mean?
Kris Carr:And I just said, okay. Okay, dad. And so I talk to him all the time. I I really I see him in all of the places that we used to go. I bought a house here in Florida near my mom, and he got to spend time at the house.
Kris Carr:And he was also such a great businessman. And I always asked him advice, and I've continued to ask him advice. I put him in charge of HR because we had some HR issues, and he is a smooth operator. Like, he always knew what to say and how to say it. And so I was like, you know what?
Kris Carr:You take this one, dad. And he's helped me make some really big decisions.
Kate Northrup:That's so great.
Kris Carr:Yeah. And whether or not it's him actually helping me make the decisions or the idea of him or the essence of him, the one thing I know is that energy never dies. It transforms. And he's made such a huge impact on me that I can summons him. Yeah.
Kris Carr:And that's one of the ways I keep him alive, and I also keep him alive in this book.
Kate Northrup:Yeah. I really felt like I got to know him through the book. It was beautiful.
Kris Carr:Thank you, honey. Yeah.
Kate Northrup:I love you, Chris. I love you. Thank you for being here. So, obviously, people should get themselves a copy of I'm Not a Morning Person as well as all your other books if they don't have them. I mean, they're amazing.
Kate Northrup:But is there anywhere in particular people should come to connect with you? This will be out after your podcast is launched. Yes. Can we talk about that?
Kris Carr:Oh my gosh. I'm finally doing it, Kate. Okay. Great. Thank you.
Kris Carr:Yeah. So many years of encouragement in cheerleading. I have my own podcast.
Kate Northrup:And it is called Made to Thrive, which you are. Thank you. Yes. Yeah. Made to Thrive.
Kate Northrup:Okay. And then kriscarr.com. Yes.
Kris Carr:And all the places the books are sold.
Kate Northrup:What's your store? Yeah. What's your store?
Kris Carr:I'm at crazysexykris. Okay. Great.
Kate Northrup:Yeah. At crazysexykris. All the places books are sold. Get yourself a copy. I love you.
Kate Northrup:Thank you for being here. I love you. Thanks for listening to this episode of Plenty. If you enjoyed it, make sure you subscribe, leave a rating, leave a review. That's one of the best ways that you can ensure to spread the abundance of plenty with others.
Kate Northrup:You can even text it to a friend and tell them to listen in. And if you want even more support to expand your abundance, head over to katenorthrup.comforward/ breakthroughs, where you can grab my free money breakthrough guide that details the biggest money breakthroughs from some of the top earning women I know, plus a mini lesson accompanying it with my own biggest money break throughs and a nervous system healing tool for you to expand your abundance. Again, that's over at kate northrup.comforward/breakthroughs. See you next time.