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That’s Not Very Ladylike is the podcast for every woman who was told to be polite, stay calm, or stop being so dramatic, meanwhile her hormones, boundaries, and sanity were quietly falling apart.
Hosted by Tracey Willingham, licensed social worker and the voice behind That Hormone Girl™, each episode starts with one rule: Ladies don’t…and then they do it anyway.
Together, we unpack the unspoken expectations, the emotional labor, the generational BS, and the hormone chaos modern women are carrying and we get honest about what it actually takes to feel like yourself again.
If you’re ready to question the rules, trust your body, and stop shrinking to make everyone else comfortable, you’re in the right place.
You're listening to That's Not Very Ladylike, the show where every week, we start with one rule, ladies don't, and then we do it anyway. I'm Tracy Willingham and you might know me as that hormone girl. In today's episode, we're staying loud and raising a little hell by talking about ladies don't say they don't want kids. They say maybe later. Welcome back to another week of That's Not Very Ladylike.
Tracey:This episode, I am so excited to talk about this one. I don't think it's talked about more than like twenty years ago when I was walking this path, but there's still a lot that I want to talk about today about this topic. So what are we talking about? We're talking about ladies don't say they don't want kids. They say maybe later.
Tracey:And I want to make sure before we just jump into this episode, I want this to be said so clearly. And we're going talk about this later in the episode. But this is where women get pitted against women. I love women who are mothers. And I have a lot of dear, dear friends who are exceptional mothers.
Tracey:And I respect motherhood deeply. Quite frankly, I don't know how you all do it. You have a human being that you have to keep alive and hopefully raise to be a great citizen. I believe mothers do essential, meaningful, and world shaping work. So I want to be 100% clear.
Tracey:This episode is not anti motherhood. It's really pro truth and it's pro women because I am a woman that's on the other side of the aisle. And I think there's room. And I think as most of the time women do, there's room for all of us in that room. And so I just want to talk about what it's like to be on the other side of the aisle.
Tracey:So I am pro women and having space to name their lives honestly. I want all women to have value. All women have purpose. It doesn't matter what you do, who you birth, who you don't birth. We all have value and purpose.
Tracey:And women have significant roles. And there's room for all of us here, so we're going to talk about that today. Because women are rarely asked if they want children. I want you to think about it. Rarely are you asked, Do you want children?
Tracey:It's when are you going to have children? It's treated as like a milestone. It's like you're the prom or retirement. It's treated as a given. And motherhood is even framed as the natural next step, not a choice, but a timeline.
Tracey:So when the answer is no or not yet or not ever, it suddenly requires an explanation. And that's a huge red flag because yes is allowed to be simple, but no, you better have a PowerPoint presentation. And it also better include things like a justification, a defense or a softened answer that keeps everyone else comfortable. So it should be things like I can't medically have children. Oh, oh my goodness.
Tracey:Okay. And so many women learn quickly that the easiest way to avoid discomfort is just to keep the door cracked open. So instead of just speaking your truth of that motherhood is not for me. I don't think I'm going to have children. It's, well, maybe someday or not right now or we'll see.
Tracey:But that's not the truth. So I want to talk to you about when my husband and I decided to be child free. I expected questions because it's not the norm. So I wasn't surprised by that. I did not expect universal understanding.
Tracey:But what I surely didn't expect was the judgment disguised as concern. And I can't even say that 100% of the time it was men. A lot of times I got some rough tongue lashings from women. I was called selfish. I was asked deeply intrusive questions about my body, my marriage, and my future.
Tracey:I mean, that people would never ask. Like, I would never turn to my friend who's like, I'm going to have a baby, and be like, Why? Explain it to me. That's horrible. That's selfish.
Tracey:But I got the same thing back, and I was shocked. I was offered unsolicited advice that neither my husband nor I had asked for. And then came the part that I hate. I just hate the most. And I'm going to tell you why, because how it defines children, it just really frustrates me.
Tracey:So then started the questions of, well, who's going to take care of you when you're older? What if you are 45? What if you're 55 and you regret it? What if something happens to you and there's no one there because you're all alone? And this is where I'd get frustrated.
Tracey:It wasn't even about me, but I was like, When did children become a retirement plan that they owe you and that love only counts if it's biological and that care is guaranteed just because someone shares your DNA. Because here's the thing that we all know. That narrative can fall away and fall apart pretty quickly when you look at real life and how some relationships turn out between children and parents. Plenty of people have children who don't or who can't show up in adulthood. Relationships change.
Tracey:Circumstances change. Life is unpredictable. So the idea that having kids guarantees care, companionship, or security later in life, that's just not honest. And that really would frustrate me because I'm like, I want kids to mean more than a retirement plan. And what struck me most wasn't that people were asking me these things out of concern.
Tracey:It was the entitlement. It was the assumption that our life choices that two adults made and agreed upon required public approval and that our decision needed to serve someone else's idea of purpose to be valid. I had people say, Well, what are you going to do with your life? What purpose do you have here? I have a lot of purpose.
Tracey:I love my community. I love people. I chose a career that helps others. I just don't have a biological little me. That's it.
Tracey:And I wasn't asking people's permission. And I was trying to state my truth. But I was censored. And so for many people, a woman choosing not to have children, it does feel threatening because it challenges a story that maybe they've never been asked to question. And so I want to talk about this.
Tracey:I have some super amazing, super powerful women in my life. I mean, am surrounded by some pretty badass women, and I am so thankful. But I have been surrounded by some women who have done more damage to me than any man could ever do. So I want to pause here and name something that matters. And this is the part where I do get frustrated with the system, and even some men will use this where they pit women against each other.
Tracey:And it's always, I swear, when it comes to motherhood, that's such an easy one for them to be like, Oh, go. And it turns into a boxing match. Mothers are sometimes told that they're being judged by women without children that women without children are told they're selfish, immature, or incomplete. But both of those narratives are lies. They're lies.
Tracey:All they do is keep us divided, they keep us defensive, and they keep us busy proving our worth instead of just looking at each other and recognizing each other's worth. Because I want to say it loud and proud right here today, there is no hierarchy of womanhood. And we're not going to let people put us in a hierarchy anymore. We are not moving up levels anymore, my friends. I am my own level.
Tracey:You are your own level. We don't go up. We don't go down. We exist. And motherhood is not always the highest calling.
Tracey:And being child free is not a rejection of care, contribution, or responsibility. All they are are different paths, and they're not to be in competition of each other. Because let's think about this. Women, mothers carry immense emotional labor, responsibility, and love. I think the most beautiful thing I've heard some of my friends say, having a child is literally like having your heart outside of your body.
Tracey:How beautiful is that? I don't necessarily I don't feel that, but I think that is a beautiful expression. I also imagine that's the most terrifying feeling of all because you've to let them go. You've got to let them get hurt. You've got to let them live a life.
Tracey:Women without children, we often do carry different forms of emotional labor, care, leadership, creativity, and we both need that support. It's all necessary. There are so many times in my career where I've had another female manager say to me, So and so has kids and needs to go pick them up. You can stay till six tonight because you don't have a child. Which had you asked me differently, I would have stepped up for a friend because I get it.
Tracey:I was raised by a single mother. Let me help you out. I will cover for you. But when you tell me because I don't have a child that anything I do after five p. M.
Tracey:Is not worthy, you don't know what I've committed to outside of this office. And even if it's, I'm going go home and sit on my couch and watch TV, that was my life choice. Just like I'm going to honor anyone who wants to be a mother, I honor that life choice. And at the end of the day, what we need the most is we need each other. We need women raising children and women raising ideas, systems, communities, families of choice, movements and futures.
Tracey:And guess what? We can all do that. It doesn't have to be, Oop, you're a mom. You only get to do these things. Like, you can't be a mother and show up for your community.
Tracey:But guess what? You can be child free and not raise a human being and still show up for your community. Guess what? We both can do the same. And the moment we stop treating this like an eitheror, we get to ask better questions.
Tracey:We get to look each other in the eye and say, how do I support you better? How do we build lives that honor different capacities and callings? And how do we stop measuring worth by one narrow definition? I know it is such a powerful definition to be a mother, but I also know that you are a woman at one time that did not have a child, and your worth is the same as someone who produced a child. You are always going to be a woman who matters outside of that role as a mother.
Tracey:So there's room for all of us, and we don't get stronger by competing, tearing each other down, questioning each other's life decisions, mocking each other's life decisions. We get stronger when we stand together. And guess what else happens? The next generation gets even more. They get even more competent and stronger because they see women as, I mean, it's a statement that's used a lot, they see women fixing each other's crowns, not ripping crowns off each other's heads.
Tracey:And that makes a future generation of women so much healthier and stronger. So let's consider this. Because this topic can be heavy because there's some women listening right now that are like, I want to be a mother and I can't be. And so I get it. There's room for all of us in the room.
Tracey:But I want you to understand that what I'm talking about today, it isn't just personal. It's cultural. From an early age, womanhood is linked to motherhood, and purpose is implied and fulfillment is assumed. And choosing any differently or not being able to partake in that, People make assumptions that you're selfish, sad, immature. It's something you're going to regret later.
Tracey:But most of the time, it's coming down to is deviation from the norm, deviation from what society has said, This is what women should do, it makes people uncomfortable. Women who do want children, they're rarely asked to justify that choice. But women who don't are asked to defend theirs constantly. And that imbalance tells you everything. And here's something else that doesn't get said enough.
Tracey:What's exhausting isn't the choice. It's the defense of it. The reassurance, the explanations, the pressure to leave the door open so no one else has to sit with discomfort and saying maybe later when you mean no. Offering medical details that you don't owe. It is nobody's business if you can or cannot have children.
Tracey:And quite frankly, it is not worth the constant retraumatizing of digging up and explaining to someone why you can't have children. None of my business. I am not in your relationship. I have no vote. You do not owe me any explanation.
Tracey:And downplaying certainty to protect someone, you're trying to protect someone else from their expectations. That's emotional labor. And it teaches women to mistrust that they can make their own decisions. And also, not wanting kids is not one single experience. So some women feel peaceful and certain about it.
Tracey:Some women feel very clear but will still grieve. Some women feel deeply ambivalent. I don't feel either way. Some women actually don't want to be pregnant, but they would consider other paths. And some women would want kids in a different world, a world with more support, less burnout, less pressure, I had the right partner, if I had a healthier family, if my childhood experience hadn't informed me the way it did, if it didn't form me the way it did.
Tracey:So when people demand a clean, simple explanation, a lot of times it can't be, and nor is it your right to ask what that is. And so your truth might be layered. And that's okay. So here's the thing I want you to hear very clearly. You do not owe anyone a reason that sounds acceptable to them.
Tracey:You're not in this decision making role. I don't care. It's a no. Your life does not need to be justified by being pleasing. And I want you to know, no is a complete sentence.
Tracey:And so is I'm not sure. And so is I don't want that life. So I'd want to have a special note for my ladies out there that are considering a child free life. And I'm going to tell you, man, it gets rough for a little bit. It's not anything that anyone else does to you, but you do enter this phase in your life where everybody's having children and suddenly you realize, I can't wait till Friday at four and call you and say, Do you want to do dinner at six?
Tracey:Your life changes. Your friends are busy raising a family and 100% absolutely understand it, but it can be very lonely. And there are things you can do. Be aware of your friends, make plans farther out, give them time to work around. If it's something that's child appropriate, bring the kids along.
Tracey:I mean, there's just a lot, but also you need to be aware that as you enter a certain stage, at times it can be very lonely. Baby showers can be the most uncomfortable place. So do some deep breathing and ready. But I just want to say this, if you're listening and you're in that in between space, you're not decided, you're just thinking about it, I just want to speak to you gently for a moment. And I want you to know this, that you don't have to rush to make that decision.
Tracey:You don't owe anybody a decision today. Take your time. You don't have to make a permanent decision to be allowed to think about it. So guess what? You at 23 can say, I don't want kids.
Tracey:And guess what? At 25, you can say, Well, maybe I do. Once you say it out loud, it's not like you have now signed a form, I will be child free. You can change your mind any time you want. And you do not have to be 100% unbothered to be valid.
Tracey:So it's okay if you feel curious, conflicted. It's okay if you're relieved at the thought of not becoming a mother. In my opinion, for some women to be brave enough to say, I just know I don't have the capacity to be a mother, that is the most loving and bravest thing you can do because a child deserves a loving and just a wonderful life with a mother. And if you know that's not in your skill set, that's beautiful. That's love.
Tracey:It's okay to feel sad about the life you assumed you'd have. And it is definitely okay to feel afraid to disappoint your family. And let me tell you, my family went through some disappointment. I'm an only child. That was hard.
Tracey:That was really hard on some family members. But guess what? They came around. And it is okay if you feel unsure whether you don't want kids or you just don't want the version of motherhood that you witnessed. So I want you to know that's not confusion, that's discernment.
Tracey:So try asking yourself questions that aren't designed to produce the right answer, just truthful ones. So I want you to think about these. When I imagine having kids, do I feel expansion or contraction? When I imagine a child free life, do I feel relief, fear, or both? Do I want a child or do I want approval?
Tracey:If no one had an opinion, what would I want my life to feel like? And guess what? You don't have to decide today. But you do get to allow yourself to acknowledge the truth when it appears. So let's do some reflection.
Tracey:I know this one's running a little longer, but like I said, this is like one of my favorite topics. And I have to tell you, this is a really quick story. I want to say as a child free woman, there are moments in my life where I've thought like I wonder what our kid would look like. Like would we have pretty kids or we have like scary kids and there was this machine for a while at Dave and Buster's if any of you know that it was like it's like an adult arcade where you could two people could take their picture and it would blend it and make a child. And so our friends went first and they came out and I'm like your child is like perfect.
Tracey:And so I went in and then my husband went in and at the last minute I think he like sneezed. I don't know. But he moved. Our child's picture was like a freak of nature. I have since lost it because we've moved a few times and I am so sad because we laughed so hard.
Tracey:I'm like, we should not have children. This thing is frightening. It should be released into the woods. So I always think about when I talk about being child free. I'm like, listen, if y'all saw what we saw, we probably shouldn't have a child.
Tracey:So just some fun there. I was like, I wonder if that machine is still around. I'd love to go back and do it. Our kid would now just look old. So if this episode is landing for you, here are some reflections to sit with.
Tracey:And again, as we always say, we're not solving, we're not defending, we're just noticing. So where have you been using maybe later as a peacekeeping strategy? And who feels entitled to your decision and what happens in your body when they ask? What story were you taught about womanhood and motherhood? And where have you been pressured to justify your life in ways that others aren't.
Tracey:And if you stripped away everyone else's expectations, what would be left? What are you afraid will happen if you are honest? And what would it feel like to let your answer be enough, even if someone else is uncomfortable? So here's some things I want to leave you with. One, why don't we all just reach out to another woman?
Tracey:So maybe if you're child free, you're reaching out to a mother. And if you're a mother, maybe you're reaching out to one of your child free friends. And I don't want you to ask about motherhood. Instead, let's go way back to the basics and just ask how that woman is doing. How are you?
Tracey:So if you were asking me, how are you, Tracy, as a woman, not a mother, not anything else, how are you? And let's support each other. Let's understand each other. So not wanting children is not a rejection of love, legacy, or meaning. It's a decision about how your energy, body, and life are best used.
Tracey:And no one else gets to decide that for you. So you don't owe anyone access to your body. You don't owe anyone a future that fits their values. And you don't need a reason that sounds acceptable to be whole. So saying I don't want kids isn't cold.
Tracey:It's clear. And it's your form of self trust. So if this episode resonates with you, let this be your invitation. Stop shrinking the truth to protect other people's expectations. And stop apologizing for knowing yourself.
Tracey:Because choosing your life the way you want it without apology is brave. And that is the most unladylike thing of all. Thanks for joining me today for that's not very ladylike. If today's episode lit a fire, pushed your buttons, or called a little BS on the stories we've been sold, share it with another woman who's tired of being told to tone it down, smile more, or play nice. And help a girl out by making sure you subscribe, leave a quick review, and catch me on Instagram at that hormone girl.
Tracey:And until next time, keep getting loud, messy, and raising hell because being ladylike is overrated.