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Kamini Wood works with high achievers on letting go of stress, overwhelm and anxiety that comes with trying to do everything, and trying to do it all perfectly
Hi there, and welcome back to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. I just wanna say thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend with me and I wanna. Dive into a topic. It's been coming up more and more in my coaching sessions with my one-to-one clients, and it's around conflict and conflict avoidance.
But I want to see if we can flip the script slightly today and look at conflict, not as a problem, but as an opportunity. [00:01:00] When you hear the word conflict, I wanna have you check in with stuff. If you, when you hear the word conflict, do, do you feel tension, anxiety, dread. The answer is yes, that's totally understandable.
I think most of us do because most of us were never really actually taught. How we can handle conflict constructively. But again, the shift that I wanna offer you here is that conflict is not the problem. It's simply meeting two different perspectives. And how we approach conflict can actually determine whether it can be an enriching experience or whether it can actually destroy the relationship or the situation at hand.
Now, conflict does often feel threatening because. Generally speaking, when we feel conflict arising, it's because we have our own emotional triggers happening, whether that's fear of rejection, fear of inadequacy, a feeling of disrespect or not being heard. And if we've grown up in an environment where conflict meant yelling or silence, [00:02:00] or.
Withdrawal, whether it be emotional withdrawal or just physical withdrawal. These past experiences teach us that there's this, this cost to addressing the conflict, and it actually leads us down a path of conflict avoidance. But when we avoid conflict, what we're also avoiding is the potential for connection.
There is the potential for authenticity and also authentic connection. When we have these unresolved issues that are piling up, what really ends up happening is it, it leads to resentment, it leads to stress, it can lead to burnout, and it can also lead to really superficial relationships and really distant relationships.
And eventually it drains your energy. It drains your own joy, your own enjoyment of the other person. And so what I wanna offer is, could we actually look at conflict as an opportunity for growth? And as an opportunity for connection and as an opportunity to potentially understand somebody else as [00:03:00] well as ourself on a deeper level.
Could it potentially strengthen our relationships instead of bring us further apart? Because when we actually have those real authentic conversations, it offers a chance for personal growth, it offers a chance for growth with each other, and it actually pushes us outside of our comfort zones that we actually can grow.
And maybe it offers us the opportunity to become more emotionally intelligent or to. Offer the ability to understand somebody on a deeper level and also understand someone else's perspective. It opens up our own mind and our own viewpoint if we're willing to sit in the discomfort of having some conflict with somebody else.
So maybe if we could shift from judgment to curiosity. So instead of thinking about the other person or thinking about the situation is like, why are they doing this? Or why are they doing this to me? Asking yourself, I wonder what's maybe important for them that's leading them to this behavior. That's that curiosity instead of judgment and using I statements [00:04:00] instead of you statements like, I'm feeling hurt rather than you are making me feel X, Y, z.
The other thing is to listen actively. Like really, truly sit and listen to what the other person is saying before trying to respond. It reduces defensiveness, but it also gives yourself the ability to hear what they're actually saying. And I do say taking breaks, you know, when you are emotionally charged, taking a break from the conversation.
There's a reason why we offer timeouts to children. A lot of times I think people equip timeouts to punishment, but actually what we're trying to do is allow for space to calm down and to emotionally regulate, and when we are feeling like we're in conflict with somebody, I. Taking a timeout makes total sense.
It's, you know, allowing yourself to reregulate to actually reconnect yourself from that emotional perspective. And so that when you're having the conversation with the other person, you're not responding from an emotionally charged space. 'cause really what we're trying to do when we're in those conversations, instead of react to the [00:05:00] other person, it is about slowing down and taking time to respond to the other person.
So let's sort of imagine if we were to put this in more of a workplace situation. You know, imagine a coworker who is consistently missing deadlines, and when they consistently miss the deadlines, they're affecting your workload and there's the option to silently stew and avoid the conflict. Well, I don't wanna bring this up to them because that would be uncomfortable.
I don't wanna bring this up because I don't wanna upset them, right? So we, we will avoid the situation. But instead of doing that, what if you initiate. A direct conversation, but it's not an accusatory conversation. So maybe it's something like, Hey, I've noticed that deadlines have been tough to meet lately, and I'd love to have a better understanding of what might be standing in the way or what might be going on and, and how might we be able to support each other so that we both can meet the deadlines that we've been missing in that situation.
We're using I statements? No, you statements, there's empathy. We're not saying that this, we're [00:06:00] not shaming the other person, but we're also addressing the situation directly, but with compassion and curiosity rather than judgment, and that allows for a pathway to solutions rather than just resentment and accusatory language.
So it is about remembering that conflict isn't about avoidance, and it's also not about just agreeing, right? So I'm not out here saying just agree with the other person. What we're really trying to do is have honest conversations that we can build emotional safety and mutual respect with each other.
Because when we navigate conflict with that, we're also building empathy. And when we do these things, we're building your own. Emotional intelligence for building your own confidence and your own resilience. And when you're capable and you teach yourself that you're capable of having these tough conversations with kindness, you're actually building your own self-esteem at the same time, and you're building yourself leadership skills and the ability to connect with people on a deeper level.
If this is something that has resonated with you or you feel like this would be a conversation that would be helpful [00:07:00] for somebody else, please feel free to share this episode with them. Or on the other hand, if you would like to explore how coaching could help you navigate these tougher conversations and how to have more direct communication with people, by all means, feel free to book a time with me at any time with coach with Kamini.com.
Until next time, stay well.