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Shame is a weapon that perpetrates Intergenerational Trauma, destroying Self Worth in the process.
Even the most well-meaning parents can unknowingly use shame as an unconscious strategy to get their kids to behave or comply.
Whether you have kids or not, if you've been noticing that you're a perfectionist who has been leaning hard into Self-Hate you will want to grab a pen and listen into this conversation.
We are dealing with cycles of "Small T" traumas that didn't even start with you, and I believe it's been creating an endemic anxiety in the collective.
Welcome to the TriggerProof podcast.
This is the first season of the Podcast which are audio renditions of
Facebook Live Video Transmissions done for the “TriggerProof” Facebook Community.
These were set up by request of our community members who wanted an opportunity to listen
to insights, tools, and strategies to help heal relationship dynamics, deepen intimacy,
and master the fine art of Autonomic Nervous System Regulation so that we can build resilience,
heal from the past, and become active operators of our mind, body, and life.
This first season wasn’t designed to be a podcast, so you’ll notice the audio isn’t
Professional Studio Quality (like it is on season 2 as we’ve upgraded incrementally).
These trainings are designed to introduce and deepen you to the most critical 2 skills we’ve never been taught:
1) The skill and practice of taking our triggers (Nervous System Activations) and turning them into deeper safety and self-love,
2) The skill and practice of taking conflict (that happens in any relationship) and turning them into deeper intimacy between the parties involved.
Not learning these two critical skills at this time in history costs us dearly: Physical and Mental health is on the DECLINE.
Doing this deep level of healing work can break the cycle of Intergenerational Trauma that didn’t start with you.
It didn’t start with you, but it can end with you,
#Cyclebreaker.
______________________________________________________________________
Join my Facebook Group to help you understand yourself, control your triggers, regulate your nervous system and know what's keeping you stuck in these times of crisis:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/triggerproof
Hello! Hello! What is up? My beautiful peeps! I'm excited about this. I'm kind of nervous talking about this, talking about... I just wrote the description in the Facebook live thing. Tit the "go live" button and all of a sudden, I just started kind of laughing at the fact that I'm actually talking about this stuff. I can't believe that I'm actually talking about this stuff. I was trained as a chiropractor so what business do I have talking about parenting and shame because talking about parenting and shame today and I want to help demystify this and help awaken you, if you're a parent, to what potentially you could be unknowingly doing to your kid because everybody, especially if you're listening to my content, it's because you want to be more conscious in your life. You wouldn't be listening to this if you didn't have a desire to have more conscious awareness in your life. That's why you're here. So if you found yourself in my kind of container, you're in my container right now. If you're in my container, it's because you want to be... you might be single but you might have kids. You might... you know but you want to be a more conscious parent and so when you really get what I'm about to say, hopefully it it might trigger you. So I really want you to pay attention to what's happening in your body as you're listening to this conversation and please do give me the feedback because I'm very curious... you know! as far as engagement goes, I really prefer a live audience because I can feel you and I can see your you know facial expressions. It really gives me a lot of information as to it's a two-way conversation. So I really want you to engage with me and let me know what comes up in your body as I'm sharing this with you because I never imagined myself talking about this. I'm a chiropractor and I discovered that people coming in to see me. I retired this year in my 20th year of practice because I realized about 10 years ago, everybody coming to see me was coming in for a stress related problem and so I started teaching about stress because that was the level that I was at. I was like oh chiropractor! neck pain, back pain, general vitality, health and vitality... you know! expansion of energy, people who are generally sick and nervous systems you know! not really working well and my job was to get them better and then I make a discovery. Stress is what brings most people in to visit any doctor or healthcare provider or coach or whatever and so when I discovered that about stress I realized that I wanted to actually be the one to help get to the root cause. So I was like hey! the root cause is stress but the interesting thing was the deeper I went in my own healing, I realize that stress, most stresses come from rupture. Like ruptured attachments. All right! Ruptured attachments and so what does that mean? It means... think of the relationships in your life and when you have a breakdown in them, you experience a stress because the attachment... especially if you're attached to this person and you actually give a [ __ ] about this person. When you have a rupture with them, is any argument, any what they call in somatic work "misattunement"
If that's happening, you experience a distress reaction. You go to fight flight freeze and fawn. You know! this is all childhood wounding. This is all kind of patterns and cycles since you were a little baby and so here you are with them now and they're showing up and then these ruptured attachments from the relationships that have broken down cause stress which then lead to illness problems. General low vitality think anything chronic problems: digestion, immune, you know chronic pain. We see all of it like fibromyalgia, like they're the ones that come in and they realize wow! I've done everything but I never went really upstream to these ruptured attachments. When we look at these ruptured attachments, break up, separation. We have so many people asking questions about you know, dating and this person that I'm seeing or my husband this and that and so there's usually what stresses you out is ruptured attachments and so these ruptured attachments aren't new. These... They're not new experiences. They are something that you've been carrying in your body since you were a child so naturally as I went deeper into my own healing, I had to go further and further, upstream and it I realized that I had been totally missing out of my healing because I was dealing with a lot of anxiety. I went through a divorce. I went through one relationship challenge after another and I was stilling staying on the cognitive level to kind of do my my inner work was you know, cognitive. You know changing the story around and then I realized holy [ __ ] as I kept going upstream, I realized it all comes down to a ruptured attachment within ourselves. Eureka! Everything and I realized, I started listening to patterns. Every single person that DM's me. Every single person that's dealing with a challenge a relationship issue. "Should I stay or go? They literally are dealing with everything that I was struggling with and not only am I the president. I'm also a client so I decided I wanted to teach people how to get to the root cause and so here I am now, having a conversation about shaming and parenting. I never thought I would be talking about that. I turned 46 in a couple weeks and I have a beautiful son who's almost 14 months old and I'm learning so much about parenting and I'm super duper grateful that you know even though I'm late and I had a one-year-old. I'm grateful that I, this second time around because I'm divorced in the second half of my life. I'm starting kind of from scratch. It's kind of like a after you go through your mid-life experience. Whatever that was for you. You have a second chance if you play your cards right. What I've discovered and learn how to use what you learned from the first half of the journey to your advantage and pick up the skills you never learned in that first half of the journey that kind of caused you to survive you know, you learned how to survive but those same survival mechanisms from childhood, they don't work. They don't serve the same purpose in your relationships in the second half of life and in other words, there's some unlearning that we must do if we want to have a different experience in the second half of life and so when I looked at that and I looked at myself I realized wow!
I was the product of intergenerational trauma and because of those unresolved attachment traumas of how I was born through my you know. childhood and adolescence and all the experience that I had with oppression, with sexuality, with religion. They shaped who I am and trauma does not necessarily have to have a capital T Trauma. I spoke to somebody today. He was like "I didn't really have a lot of trauma. I had small t trauma. Lots of those and I'm going to explain what that is but it was just one big T Trauma that I think about like every week, you know! and he's dealing with depression and addictions and
his mother has mental illness and he does comedy now because that's you know kind of like Billy Crystal. He loved to make his mom laugh because she had mental illness and so now he's a comedian. He's going into psychotherapy and and learning how to be a therapist and so, he's kind of you know it's just an interesting dude that I just met and so I thought okay! uh. He said I have a lot of small t traumas and I'm like you know what! I'm going to do a Facebook live about this because after listening to this, after hearing this, you're going to actually realize that it's actually almost impossible if you were born today, if you were born in the last you know, 50 years. It's impossible to not be at the effect of some form of trauma. So today I'm going to talk about a little t trauma called Shame. Shame, big T Trauma, you know physical violence, you know it hurts. It hurts for a while. You might have some bruises, sexual stuff you know but it's the...
and they leave their mark. Right! but you can also experience "little t traumas" like little by little on a consistent basis enough times that it actually results in a shifting of your nervous system state, to becoming more kind of like what we call into a freeze response. Right! Shame is the experience of thinking that you're bad. Like there's some badness in you. You know, deep down in your core you have badness to you and so this comes from parents who really mean well and so I want you to pay attention to what comes up what triggers come up for you in this conversation. I'm genuinely curious. I would love to hear it. Just share in the comments. Also share where you're listening from because I'm curious where our community is and if you're brand new, hey welcome! I'm a chiropractor who turned into a interpersonal trauma specialist so that I could figure out why my relationships weren't working.
Discovered what it was, went upstream, shifted the story, not just cognitively but finally for the first time I shifted it in my body and now I've been able to break that cycle of intergenerational trauma and create a secure relationship. That's a really great indicator of how well our trauma healing work is, is that... We feel safer in relationships. Before this work, you know my relationships were pretty transactional. My relations with men were not great. My relations with my parents, it was based on you know, hiding because of shame and for a good reason I'm going to explain to you the five unconscious shaming tactics that parents use unconsciously with all the right intentions which is to have you behave and be good so that you know, they don't have to you know because because they live they were raised in a world that belonging and having you know so because our were hardwired for social engagement and social interaction so if we suffer there is a great deal of suffering in your biology to suffer the detachment from belonging, from the collective. Right so the social norms right. So especially if you're Indian, if you're you know East Indian, Indian. If you're Persian, if you're Asian, Greek, Italian. I usually use cultures where society and family dynamics Arab, like where family enmeshment is big. Where you know it's all about you know, fitting in and belonging and having everyone's approval because not having it meant you know, withdrawing of love and not belonging so it's a threat to our nervous system to not belong and so unconsciously because we know this and we were raised this way. If we don't get this right we will unconsciously use these strategies to raise our children and I'm committed that my one-year-old does not have the experience of being shamed with one of these five common shaming tactics so I'm going to write them down and I want you to tell me if you resonate with any of them. Which one of these relate to you the most? I want to know which one of these shaming strategies or whatever which one resonates the most and I'm gonna write them down. Those of you who are on, I'm not sure if you can hear me properly over there on Clubhouse that might I have a clubhouse chat going on. So I'm just trying it on simultaneously a Facebook live. JJ I see that you're there. If you want to jump on Facebook live and watch, let me know if you can hear it. You know I'm just trying it on. So this is just a test for a Clubhouse but I want want to go over these five shaming parenting with shame. So the real reason why these shaming strategies happen is, let me see there it is, the real reason is obedience. Why do parents raise with shame? It's because of obedience. Because we can get... Especially if they were parented that way. They were parented with shaming. You know and I'm going to give the five in a moment but tell me which one predominates for you. So the shaming strategy number one.
My name is Dr. Nima Rahmany and you've been listening to the trigger proof designed to teach you the most important skill necessary for a dramatically changing world which is nervous system regulation and becoming trigger proof doesn't mean trigger less. It means learning how to regulate ourselves to bring us back to center so that we can then be governed by our purpose rather than from our wounds. Anytime there's reactivity, there's a wound and if your curious and inspired to learn more join us at Breathwork and Badassery or the overview experience. There's a difference between listening to a podcast and actually showing up live and doing the work with a badass community who's all about breaking cycles of intergenerational trauma. It didn't start with you but it can end with you. If you're willing to do the work. See you at the next perfect time.
I'm just gonna..
Number one... Number one is called "Know better shame".
Know better
Know better
So in other words you should know better. If you have this belief and you kind of have this in your body and you see your child. They react to you or you experience, you should know better. You should know better. In other words what will happen is, the kid then doesn't realize that you know they're not allowed to make mistakes. So then what happens is, if you were raised with the belief, the core belief that a parent had was you should know better what will happen is you will then interpret that mistakes mean that I'm bad. So I can't make mistakes. Right and so what happens is you will then start to find perfectionistic strategies and like for example working with somebody who has this kind of small t shame and maybe it was you should know better and I'm gonna start pounding on you if you you had the small t trauma you should know better shaming and then violence added on to that. Now which is what this one person did and she she used to work for me. When she would make a mistake and I would tell her, I'd say hey! you know... There was a huge reaction. She would just get triggered and she would just burst into tears and if you've ever had that experience where you know at the workplace, this becomes very disruptive to your work environment because we all make mistakes. I mean making mistakes is part of the game.
Right and so making mistakes when I'm doing a Facebook live, making mistakes when I'm in a relationship, making mistakes as a parent. If I don't allow myself to make these mistakes because of this unresolved shame that's deep in my body because I was shamed then when I'm a parent I see a kid, my kid, I'll say you should know better and the truth is that I'm now reflecting to my kid, my son, Dominic. Let's say I turned him Dominic you should know better. What I'm doing is I'm downloading my intergenerational perfectionistic self-abandoning trauma that came from being shamed from a parent who himself was at the effect of the exact same thing.
Know better is, you know, the internal voice that I should know better "I 'm not allowed to make mistakes" becomes really painful. We become perfectionists and it creates anxiety and that's a small t trauma. Right! So I want you to pay attention to your use of language and this is the only thing is... is you could say this to your kid or you could... this is not so much saying the words "you should know better". You know what I'm talking about? When you get a look from a parent that looks at you like "you should know better". If I'm believing that about my son, he's gonna feel it. It's very nuanced here. We're talking about the nervous system. Our nervous systems are very contagious. If I have that "you should know better" trauma in my body and I haven't done my trauma work, I'm gonna download it onto Dominic. So my work is to be very mindful of that. Number two... but number one is to actually deal with the internal shame that I was raised in and and heal those attachment traumas. That's my inner work to do. You know in an ideal world, everyone does their trauma work before they get married and have kids but just didn't work out that way for many of us. Right! I'm lucky that happened for me. My second marriage. First marriage, of course I didn't do my trauma work, hence the divorce. Right now I have the skills and the awareness that's why you know, I really want to help you break that cycle too. So that's why this this conversation is so important. So the number two is "comparative shame".
Comparative shame. So this is when you know you should do better. You know what! Why couldn't you do this? Like all of my cousins are medical doctors. Specialists. You know and so when I became a chiropractor. It was like oh look at all of your cousins! Look at all of your cousins! I don't see any of your cousins doing what you're doing. Leaving your work to go and become like Phony Tony Robbins... like dad! I'm not trying to be Tony Robbins. I want to teach people how to resolve the [ __ ] that was downloaded onto me from you.
The comparative shame is real, right! So I want you parents to be really mindful of this, right! Now you can be mindful but if you've been downloaded comparative shame in your body. By the way, I'm a twin. It doesn't get more comparative than that. If you find yourself that kind of person, you're Persian, you'll definitely have that. If you're a [ __ ] Persian, you have it, my Persian friend. Hello! Salam! You are holding on to comparative shame and you will have it and then you'll see other kids and you'll be like, I gotta do that for my kid. Oh they have a Fendi. A handbag. My four-year-old daughter, Persians would say, my four-year-old daughter... that four-year-old has a Fendi handbag. Well I gotta get one for my daughter, you know! You're downloading this unconsciously. You don't even know it. You know, it's like I've been to households you know, where... oh it was one of my cousins. I went to his house and my cousin's kid looks at my ring and goes oh you have diamonds. Yours is better than my dad's and I'm like, oh my God. Comparative shame is real yo! So number two. Let me know if that resonates at all with you. The third one is "a desire shame."
Desire shaming. This is where you have the, you know, good girls... sorry! this is when you say, you shouldn't be bad. You know, you shouldn't want. You shouldn't be so selfish. You know, when you see a child and they want this and they want that and then you kind of like have the desires within you. Like smacked away. You shouldn't want that. You should be grateful for what you have. What happens is deep down inside there's a child within all of us that desires. That has desires but then you get the messaging through body language, through a withdrawal, through a kind of a dissociation and a shutting down of connection and the child all of a sudden feels it inside. The child feels it and the child says, um okay well! I shouldn't be so selfish. I shouldn't have desires. It's not right for me to have desires. So how many of our students, when we're working on, you know, helping them, you know, expand and what they want in their lives, they're like oh! I can't do that and it's deep in the body. It's in your body. If you've ever experienced feeling guilt for asking for what you want then you likely are holding on to desire shame, within your body and if you don't actually address that at its root, you know you'll constantly be feeling unfulfilled because you're going to blame the outside world for not fulfilling you but there's a part of you that doesn't believe that your desires are worthy. So if you even somebody offered those desires to you, you'd push it away because you're not worthy. Because of the desire shame that you've experienced and guess what's going to happen? If you don't resolve that and then you see your child starting to want something, starting to have desires, when you see your child reaching for the stars then you'll be the one that tells them "Don't! you know you should be very happy with very little. You know you don't dream. You're just dreaming." I remember telling my mom what I wanted to do...
Choking on my water there...
and she's like "you're just dreaming. You're dreaming." And I'm like [ __ ] yeah! I am and so before that used to piss me off. Now I realize...
She was only desire shaming me because that was her experience. This is how small t trauma gets passed down. Does this resonate at all with you? Right! So number four is "moral shame"...
Let me know if you've experienced that moral shame! God damn my cough!
There we go. I don't have Covid. It's okay.! Moral shame. Good girls don't do that! oh bad bad bad! you know! Good boys don't do that! good girls don't, you know... don't touch themselves like that! oh talk about moral shame and sexuality. Pretty much most people that I know or women that I had dated in the past, have some sort of a story of morality regarding their sexuality. I certainly did. You know I had to have chastity before marriage. Right? So when I had my horny teenager, whatever going on, and you know, it wasn't you know... I had to sneak around because it wasn't good. You know! I wasn't being good so lo and behold moral shame it runs in the body. now I see the value of it, you know. It's like some of you... you know with your religious fundamental beliefs and or religious beliefs. It's kind of like a little boundary you know, just to kind of as a guideline because humanity and our animal nature can get pretty buck wild, right! We can get worse than animals in our behavior so I see the value of religious doctrine and guidance and everything like that. I hundred percent see it and I'm not questioning that. I was raised in it. There is a fine line however between that and then the experience giving children the experience of shaming for their own natural impulses, right! and so that unconsciously gets downloaded onto the kids. It's important for me to let you know because you know I run programs that focus helping people who are dealing with relationship dynamics. Who are dealing with sexual dynamics, intimacy issues and their marriages and all that stuff and they've gone to counseling and all of this stuff and tried talking
through it but what they don't realize is you know, all the talking doesn't address this unconscious shame that we're all holding on to in our own unique way. That's been left unaddressed through these unresolved attachment traumas which have us detaching from ourselves. So if you want to do couples counseling, that's fine. Have at it but deal with your [ __ ] you know, trauma work. That's in your body... you know! You can't talk your way out of that. There's that involves a different skill and no one can do that for you. A therapist can't do that for you and here's the other conundrum of it within our nervous system. We need one another. I can't do it alone. You know even though I teach this stuff, I certainly can't do it alone. We can't do it alone and no one can do it for us. There's the conundrum, isn't it? So moral shame! that's a biggie... Ouch! What has been the impact of moral shame on your life? and we have desire shame and the fifth one I wanted to mention what we call reflective. What I call "reflective shame".
It's when... so we have "Know better shame". We have "comparative shame". We have "desire shame". We have "moral shame" and the fifth one is called, what I call "reflective shame" and "reflective shame" is when let's say I have Dominic. He's my son and I believe which I can't help but believe because that's in me, that he's a reflection of me. Right! Well! first of all he is a reflection of me the little [ __ ] looks exactly like me and somebody messaged me earlier and said don't call... don't use it that term little [ __ ] when you're talking about him and my wife and I kind of jokingly, we... it's a playful thing so I understand if that term, you know, especially if you've been sworn at as a as a parent and stuff. I do believe that our nervous system state plays a big part. So when I say it I don't say it in a in any way other than in a heart open safety and it's received very... I can feel that he's receiving it really well and so I do appreciate the parenting advice that many... I get when I hear that stuff. I really thank you. I appreciate it. and it pisses me off. So reflective reflective shame is when I think that he's a reflection of me and he's an extension of my ego. So when I believe that his behavior is a reflection of me then I start to police him and monitor him and start using shaming unconsciously because I'm shaming my because I have shame within myself as a parent so the antidote to this is to really
live... really deal with my own internal shame of how badly I need for everybody to validate me through my son and that comes from my childhood. That's my trauma work. If I don't do that, then my son becomes an extension of my ego and I then... I'm not impartial and uh what's the word I'm looking for? "Unbiased" when I'm parenting him. I am trying to groom him to make me look good. So I use my son as a tool to kind of reflect my own ego. Have you ever experienced that from a parent? Have you ever had the experience where you were kind of pushed into something that looked good so that you could be bragged about right...
It's not a terrible thing and it and the intention isn't bad. It comes from parents that are not okay with their shadows. That's it. It's a parent that hasn't really dealt with and integrated and felt and faced and owned their own shame and so we then downloaded onto our kids. This is the insidious nature of intergenerational trauma. These five kind of shaming beliefs we have the moral... what do we have... here we had... we had "know better shame", we have "comparative shame", we have "desire shaming". Know better, you should know better. "Comparative" oh look at so and so you know you're too old for that... "desire shaming" or don't be so selfish. "Moral shaming" is good girls, good boys don't do that! You should do better, you know and then there's "reflective shame" where you're judging them based on... where you're being judged where you are uh seen as a embarrassment to them. Oh you're just I'm so embarrassed! I remember one one time I was... oh this is a very very distinct memory for me... I was at with a friend and we we went and he's a rapper and this is when I was kind of putting some rap songs together and I went on the street with him, with his little microphone and beatbox and I just started freestyling and then people came and put money into his little kitty thing, whatever into his little hat and I went and told my dad about that and he goes what! What! You're begging on the street? What would my sisters think, if they saw you? Right boom! that's reflective shaming. Right? Now that made me feel like absolute [ __ ] because the impact on the child is "I'm bad" you know "I'm a bad person"... I'm unworthy of love, you know and so it causes us to in order to belong we have to fragment and separate from ourselves and so this begins the coping strategy to belong that begins in childhood that leads you into a life of living separate from your truth and this is where anxiety begins. Anxiety is the fracture from the self. It's a soul condition that causes an alarm in the body because of trauma and I'm talking little t trauma like shaming over and over and over again. It doesn't necessarily mean physical violence. If you've been compared all that... if you have a parent who has this comparative shaming trauma within himself and his family members, well then he's going to download it on to you and says "oh! your cousins are doing this... you should be doing that too." Right? And so deep down there's this deep inherent abandonment and judgment and blaming and shaming of ourselves because we then start to parent ourselves the way that we were parented. It's very painful when you first realize this because this is normalized to you. You don't know that this is an insult, an assault to your nervous system but it very much is and that's my... that's my son and he's fully self-expressing right now in the midst of my little... so I'm uh he's really cute... So what do you do? what do you do about it? That's really the next question and what you do about it is a dedicated practice... It's not going to happen by talking about it. Listening to this video, I'm sure will give you insights. Let me know if there's been any insights that are relevant for you. I'd love to hear your feedback and definitely invite people into the community. Just invite several people that you know that need to hear this because I want to help... I'm here to help break family cycles and most places we go are trying to hash it out at the story based level. He said this... she said that... Mom this... and what if nobody was to blame. What if we took the word fault and blame out of it and acknowledge that there was a lot of harm and a lot of pain and acknowledged how bad that sucked and that no, it wasn't fair and I 100 agree with you. Let's acknowledge that step one and then go, okay now! what can we do that's going to be productive. That helps guide me from this feeling of victimhood that I've been carrying all my life that's causing me anxiety that I'm repeating again and again and again in these cycles in relationships because I'm shaming myself. I can't get a... It's impacting all of my relationships. It's impacting, definitely impacting my parenting and you know, you're in a position maybe you want you're single and you want to heal and then you want to have a secure relationship. Great! now is the time to do our trauma healing work so that you can now have a secure container for a secure relationship to thrive and then maybe have kids and not pass those shaming tactics down because I can tell you this but these shamings, these unresolved shamings are still in our body. So without tools of consistently being able to regulate ourselves through them, to integrate them, on an ongoing basis. It's a skill. We can take these ruptures, if we do that, we can take these ruptures that will happen in our parenting. I'm going to have ruptures and misattunements and arguments and challenges with with my son. I guarantee it. I'm going to make a lot of mistakes but I'm committed to repairing. That's the key because everybody, every one of us likely have had these shaming strategies growing up but how many of us actually had the experience of having those ruptures repaired that's where the magic happens. That's where relationships become stronger over time and growth happens if you're committed to the practice. So the practice is great. I mean if you're doing counseling in therapy, you you're at an advantage because you're in the conversation and you've probably heard it you know, it's just a skill you haven't yet mastered. So if this is relevant for you and this is something you actually see and notice, I'm curious right in the chat box here those of you are on Facebook live right now or um if anyone had a question, I'm going to invite the peeps that are in the room that I just started spontaneously. I didn't think anybody would come but we have a few people. Anybody has a question you just put up your hand and hopefully my peeps in Facebook live can hear if you want to jump on and ask a question and receive some guidance on it I'd love to... I'd love to to help. Let me know. Just put your put your hand up and I'd love to hear but are there any questions let me know...
My mission is to help teach this community on how to kind of break free from these enmeshment dynamics. These enmeshments where we kind of merge with other people's emotions and there's no real boundaries between the definition of who we are and other people in our family members, our friends. We don't really know who we are! The big battle cry of enmeshment trauma is I just don't know who I am anymore. I've been pleasing all my life. I just don't know who I am. I keep getting into the same patterns in relationships. Should I stay or should I go? I'm tired of feeling anxious all the time. I just want to have some freedom. I don't know what my purpose is. Why do my partner and I keep getting into the same arguments again and again and again? Why is it that I can't get over my ex? Why is it that I take things so personally and I can't get over the opinions of others. All of these I discovered... Eureka has the same source. These unresolved ruptures and so I created a a modality that is both cognitive and body based so that we can you know, change the narrative. Like right now, this is the cognitive stuff we're talking about. It's you know, it's you're digesting it in your brain. You're probably getting triggered quite a bit and maybe you want to run away from this conversation and this is uncomfortable for you but well I'm going to encourage you and invite you to lean into that because whatever has been activated in this conversation is a part of you that's calling for some reunion. Saying hey hey! Finally, I feel validated right now. Please help me and so it's not wrong to ask for help. It's one of the trauma responses is... you know hiding and fawning... Sorry hiding and running. So many of you that I've kind of encountered reach out to me and ask for help and then say give me your backstory and then I say okay here you go! Click on this and let's go ahead and all of a sudden, you're like I can't do this anymore. I'm gonna... I gotta do something and then I'm like sure. Here... Click on that "apply" there. You gotta be, you know, have some sort of evidence that you're wanting to invest in a solution that you have had some sort of this is one of our one of my stipulations now you have had to have done some personal development. We used to open these applications up for everybody and it turns out people, you know, just really haven't invested in their mental health. Their their emotional well-being yet. You know, we prefer then the people who've gotten those results are the ones who've actually done personal development, have leaned into facing their shadows a little bit. They know that it's going to be scary. They know that it doesn't, you know, they know that it's their responsibility. They're willing to invest in it and so that's how you know, that a person is serious. So if you've done therapy or you've done years of therapy, years of personal development, Landmark, Demartini, all of the the good stuff then you're prime ready to go deeper because this is a little bit... it's more advanced stuff. We used to open it up to the public and then I realized wow! Not everybody's ready because I just you know, I want to be that rescuer for everyone and then part of my trauma work is being able to set boundaries and say no! that you know, we're not a fit. You know I used to bend and cave and become whatever to accommodate and that was part of my own kind of fawning response and the more defined I get with my work and break these cycles that didn't start with me, I'm able to go "no we're not the right fit". You got to have, you gotta be coachable, you gotta be willing to get uncomfortable, you gotta be willing to receive feedback and you gotta be willing to just you know own your [ __ ] not to take the blame but to understand you've been harmed. You've been hurt. It's unfair and the story is now overtaken your life and you're ready to kind of change that story. You're ready to take that identity that you've had as a survivor of something horrible that you're carrying with you for the rest of your life. You've got to be willing to let go of that old identity, you know! And that's scary because the scariest thing is because if you've been identified as a specific victim of something and you've been labeling yourself as a survivor of that thing, way to go. It sucks that you went through that. I'm so happy that you've gone through but a lot of times people in that situation when faced with the opportunity to let go of that identity freak the [ __ ] out. Their ego defenses go up and they're like... "no! who would I be without this entanglement with that trauma? Who would I be?" It's a trauma bond. You kind of get bonded. It's called a trauma bond. You kind of get bonded to that trauma and what happens is every relationship you go through it kind of like because you're still bonded to that trauma, you're gonna keep finding it another, another thing. Another trauma bond. The same thing. Same things until the person we can tell in the application they say, "Enough! I'm done. I'm done." Like there's a knowing that comes in their language. Right? It's like look! I'm gonna spare you the story. There's two types of people. One story story story story story story story. Do you have any advice? In which case I'm like, they're not likely ready because sometimes we become very addicted to the story then there's type 2, which is I've watched your content. You trigger the [ __ ] out of me. You piss me off. I want to turn it off. All these horrible things and it's exactly what I need because I'm ready to [ __ ] get over this story. I've been going to therapy for 10 years. I've done all the things and I'm tired of constantly being in that state and I'm looking to... I know that it's in my body now. It's not my fault. I don't want to blame anybody. I'm not even blaming myself but I'm really shaming myself a lot and what you're saying is making sense and I don't want to look I want to look in the mirror and actually love what I see. The end!
Except, like regardless of anybody else out there. I'm like boom! That person is ready. Let's do this. So I hope I gave you some food for thought. Thoughts are great. Action is better. So if you're actually ready to learn how to create that secure relationship by healing the ruptures that happen to us because when we're children, we're shamed in these very insidious ways, with small t trauma plus add on the big t trauma and now we feel stuck in our lives, not able to move forward, being run by resistance and procrastination and disconnected from our purpose and feeling unfulfilled in our relationships and lack of ability to be present. Health and vitality going err... anxiety going err... You're not alone. You're supposed to feel this way with unresolved attachment wounds but the good news is... you don't have to. If you're willing to just get a little uncomfortable, lean in, find a guide and a community to help you, you know! I know, I'm not everyone's cup of tea. That's fine. There's a great guides out there that merge with community and one-to-one type of work. So there's a huge benefit from leaning in and knowing that you're not alone. So the cycle breakers are the people that I like to hang out with and I'm training a new group to learn how to break cycles in their communities. So I'm now kind of training trainers now and so we need people to step up and let me know if you're ready and send me a DM and I'll put a link down there. Also putting a link for the upcoming breath work. So if you want to know where to begin, breath work and badass or everyone's like... okay! okay! What do I do? Well if you're really ready, I'll put a link for application but if you're kind of like still petrified of me and you know, you want to... you don't trust and all that stuff, breathwork and Badassery is a great event... where you can kind of practice being led because at some point when you go through trauma and the shame, we stop trusting so we don't trust what we see on the internet and stuff. Is this real? Is this guy, you know, just out to get my money? Is this a scam? All of those resistances are normal. They're supposed to come up and that's going to be the excuse we use not to trust but the truth of the matter is "I can't heal from my traumas until I take the risk and trust". We have to because we can't do it alone. I certainly didn't. So sending a little link... those links down there. Let me know if you have any other questions and I'll see you at the next perfect time. Big love!