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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:We have emails this morning. Jay says, I, in one form or another, have been listening to your podcast for nearly as long as it has been streaming, but this is the first time I, as myself, have written in. It's not that I haven't wanted to so early on in response to many of the poignant episodes you shared. It's just, you know, hard sometimes. Absolutely.
Speaker 1:We get it. We get it. I hear you. Thank you for writing in, and thank you for sharing. They said, I'm not entirely sure you could ever fully comprehend the gift that your system continues to give me and mine through this podcast.
Speaker 1:It's the only podcast I care to listen to, honestly. The quality of your guests is superb and so informative and useful for me as someone who needs to start at the intellectual level before even trying to broach the emotional one. And believe it or not, listening to the episodes you spend reading and responding to emails is one of the best ways for me to feel not so alone. Bonus benefit is that it's helpful to share certain episodes with friends to help them get me and DID a little bit better. If I may indulge a bit of your time to share my appreciation of a few episodes in no particular order.
Speaker 1:Mother hunger. Holy cats. I have listened that's gonna be my new thing. Holy cats. I have listened to that episode over and over again, feeling almost simultaneously traumatized and lovingly cared for for the entire duration of the interview.
Speaker 1:I could be wrong, but I think you have upgraded the trigger warning for the episode since you first posted it, and I tip my hat to you for doing so. This is a kind of tectonic plate shifting episode without a doubt. Trigger warning be damned, though. I still listen to it every so often and will likely do so on Mother's Day. Oh my goodness.
Speaker 1:It's so intense. Right? Michael Salter. The biggest takeaway for me on this episode was the mention of vicarious resiliency. I carry a debilitating amount of shame for the messiness I throw at my therapist's feet.
Speaker 1:And though I would never claim to be one who inspires her, I do appreciate the thought that others she treats could and do. The worst day. I recognize the immense amount of privilege I have had to have a therapist I trust as much as I could trust anyone for going on sixteen years. Wow. That's amazing.
Speaker 1:The thought of losing her devastates me beyond belief in large part because the relationship is just so unconventional when you throw grief from death into the mix. Thank you for sharing your pain so honestly and with such insight into why this is such a different kind of pain. I am deeply sorry for your loss, for all of the therapeutic relationships you've lost. I'm in awe of your strength to keep fighting. The last I heard, you have had five meetings with a new therapist, and I have my fingers and toes crossed that this one sticks.
Speaker 1:Yes. We still have her. We've been working with her, I think, since the January, and it's really going very well. And I'm grateful we have made it to this place and with her and that we're able to start moving forward. Anything and everything with regards to shame.
Speaker 1:Whenever shame comes up on an episode, I do feel like I am learning more and more about my own and just how deeply rooted it is in my own DNA. Oh, that's so true. It's really rough, that shame stuff. I can't even. Iris and Bogart's.
Speaker 1:After listening to Iris, I wanted to give you a standing ovation. I am sorry that sounds out of touch with the tone of that episode, but without giving too much away, it was the first time I heard someone else express my own thoughts like that without it actually being me saying them out loud. And while I appreciate that the listener who responded was likely coming from a place of concern, I'm siding with you a % that sharing that episode was the right thing to do. Recovery is effing messy, people. Why compound the shame we already live with about this god awful process right when we are trying to stand in our own truth?
Speaker 1:Oh my goodness. Thank you for that. So well stated. I will step down from my soapbox now, though I could go on and on about other episodes as well. Thank you again for all you do for yourself, your family, friends, colleagues, and for all of us out here in podcast land.
Speaker 1:Should you ever find yourself struggling to maintain the podcast due to financial concerns, please contact me. I do already donate monthly, but would be more than happy to bolster support to keep this going. All my very best to you and yours. Oh my goodness. Thank you, Jay.
Speaker 1:Truly, thank you so much. The podcast always needs support, and we are grateful for your support and your encouraging email. It is hard when we are extra vulnerable and extra raw to keep sharing or to know that the sharing is of any benefit, and we don't want to hurt people. And so hearing feedback like this helps us learn that it is okay to be vulnerable in healthy ways and share in appropriate ways that help others feel seen and heard and valued as we are learning in therapy and to experience that attunement, even just through the podcast of other people feel this way and other people have been through this. So thank you so much for sharing with us.
Speaker 1:Amanda says, just checking in to let you know I'm here and I care. No reason, just that I'm thinking of you and sending your love your that I'm thinking of you and sending love your way. I hope the sun is warm and the clouds are soft and the chickens are friendly this morning and that however you are, you feel loved and valued. You are amazing. Oh my goodness.
Speaker 1:There's that therapy stuff again with feeling loved and valued. Why is it so terrifying? It's so hard, but we are doing it. We are working hard on that in therapy. Thank you for the encouragement, and we will keep working on it in therapy.
Speaker 1:A different Amanda also wrote in, and she donated a book to a survivor. So this is actually a thing. There's a waiting list of people who are unable to buy books but want to do so. And if you want to donate to the podcast or donate a book, you can go to systemspeak.org and click on the link to buy the book, and it will take you, and you can choose to buy the book or buy it for someone else or donate to the podcast. And all of that is so helpful.
Speaker 1:Thank you, Amanda. That's so kind of you, and we got it sent out today. Crystal says, we are still reading your book, and I just read the part about the house burning down. Oh my gosh. I am so sad for you.
Speaker 1:Again, not like sad that's hard for me, sad like I care. In some ways, I imagine that could be worse than some of the other stuff because just when this little kid starts to trust, starts to think that maybe they're safe, all of that gets taken away. Oh my goodness. Exactly. Do you see how that works and why it's such a big deal?
Speaker 1:And this is why we were asking about reenactments and studying transference because we kept acting this out where we get the friends that are safe and then we lose them or we get therapy that's safe and then it's taken away and then it's lost or we sabotage things without meaning to or friends offer us care and we don't know how to receive it, or we start to feel loved, but that feels scary. And there's so many layers to it, Crystals. I so appreciate you pointing this out because it goes back all the way to when we are four. It was not even about right now. It's about when we were four and before that and other times this happened, and it gets so tangled up and in this pattern to where it's like these things get equated with each other that should never have happened in the first place, and no wonder it's so messed up and hard.
Speaker 1:Thank you, crystals, for getting that piece. They said, the image of going past the balloons and streamers and then the balloons popping is so powerful and vivid. It's no wonder birthdays are hard. I can totally see, and maybe I'm projecting. Right?
Speaker 1:Right? And then the same thing basically happened when people came and had our birthday the first time since then last year. And what happened? The pandemic happened, which wasn't anyone's fault. I don't mean that they did anything wrong.
Speaker 1:And my poor friends, like, I only talked about it so much because it was a safe example to use, but I don't mean to throw them under the bus and I shouldn't have, like, just kept harping on it. But we were working through these deep, deep issues, and it's much safer to talk about that birthday party than the first one. Right? And so it's super painful, and it's super difficult, but it felt like it happened again, the same thing, even though it didn't. But that's why it was such a big deal on top of everything else.
Speaker 1:Thank you, crystals, for getting that. Seriously, that means so much to us. They said, I can totally see, and maybe I'm projecting, but I imagine that it could be scary to have friends give you a birthday party when the last time there was going to be a party, the people who cared about you died, and it was somehow made to be your fault. Yes. Exactly.
Speaker 1:Thank you for putting it into words. Crystals. Oh my goodness. This email is so powerful for us. I can't even tell you.
Speaker 1:They said, I could see how that would make any birthday party a potential trauma or trigger. What I'm saying is it totally makes sense all of what happened in 2020 and how hard it was given the context of that house burning down and the lows dying. I can't even. I wanna be honest right now about the things that I'm feeling and be authentic in my response, and I want to share that parts of me, very little parts, are really scared because of this content. The content is very triggering.
Speaker 1:But that being said, there is also a lot of attunement in someone validating how they feel and how scary that is and how difficult that is. And there is a lot of comfort and tending to that we feel when someone else recognizes it. And I think that this is an important part because that's how healing happens. Right? So it's a really scary thing to share things with a friend or to put things into the book or out in the podcast and people not respond to them.
Speaker 1:It's very unsettling and feels dangerous even if everything's okay. But what crystals are doing here, what they are doing here is so attentive and responsive that that's why it means so much to us when you all write in about the episodes you hear or about reading the book or about things that we share or things that you're experiencing. It's so powerful when others feel when there is attunement, when you are seen and heard and valued as the therapist says, and when you are tended to because what you went through is acknowledged and someone says, that makes sense, instead of just, why are you being crazy, or why is this so dramatic? It's dramatic because people died. That's why.
Speaker 1:Is that what you wanna talk about? Because then let's talk about that. But, of course, you can't go to those layers if people aren't around for the simple stuff. And so how can you deepen a friendship if people aren't responsive or tending to the easy things that you share? Right?
Speaker 1:Like the book. Like, we say that all the time, that the book was, like, the easy things to share, only not really. That not that those things were easy, but there's boundaries and the levels of intimacy and how you share these things first. And if people respond to those and you feel safe, then you share more things or deeper things. And not that it's always about trauma, but when there are trauma triggers or a reason that things are difficult, that's part of being authentic in the relationship.
Speaker 1:If you really want to be friends with this, that is all of me, then that is part of our experience that you need to know about. And this is an example, and I know Crystal's really well, so I don't I feel comfortable sharing this. And and we asked if she we could read her email about the book. But this example of what Crystal's is doing here is that attunement, is attending to so, yes, the content is difficult, but we're also not overly focused on the trauma. There's good boundaries around it.
Speaker 1:There is tending to how we are in the present and how it has impacted us now and the parts of us now in the present and what that looks like and what that must have been like and how it impacts things now in different situations that are not about that, and yet that's still, like, in the background. It's so powerful. Thank you, crystals. And then she asked about how we're doing this year with our birthday. And let me just answer that because we did talk about making plans for our birthday this year where we wanted to go on a walk with our friends.
Speaker 1:We decided that that would keep us grounded enough and safe enough, but still be interactive enough, but in a way we could hear, in a way we could feel safe, and in a way that would keep us moving in our body so that we could process. So we decided that would be the best way. Right? And it also now that you've read the book, it also gets us away from some of that environment of the gathering or of the people or of the party scene itself. So we thought that would be great.
Speaker 1:We did not do this on our birthday because, first of all, I think our friends have our birthday down wrong, and that's our fault. I think we have to tell them our correct birthday, but maybe that's why we haven't because of those same trauma triggers. But our friends did come on the day that they know is our birthday, which, again, we have to fix that. They did come on the day that they know is our birthday, and they sing happy birthday in sign language, which was super sweet and not at all triggering. That's an example of tending too.
Speaker 1:Right? Like, it's meaningful and sweet and thoughtful, and it takes some effort. Right? Because that's not their language. It's our language.
Speaker 1:But it takes some effort, and they did that, and it was so sweet, and they brought treats for the children, and all of that was very tender. But because of the weather, we could not go on a walk on our birthday. We also were not vaccinated yet. So we did not go on a walk on our birthday exactly. But you know what happened?
Speaker 1:Our friend did not forget that that's what we wanted to do. And so we did later when the weather was better and we were both vaccinated, we did mask up and go on a distant walk just like in our street that goes out to our land. So just nice and close at home, not where there were other people at the park or anywhere we were unfamiliar. It was very safe. It was very tender.
Speaker 1:It was very thoughtful. It was very sweet. We felt seen and heard and valued, and that's a great example of it. There was no birthday drama at all this year, and it was really a fantastic thing and wonderful that she remembered, and we got to do it. So that meant a lot to us and absolutely is an example of progress and healing.
Speaker 1:So thanks for asking, crystals. Then they say, I highlighted this in the book. Quote, no one will believe me. No one will help me. No one will listen.
Speaker 1:She decided then that maybe she would save all her words for someday when people would listen and would want to hear the things she had to say. Then she would broadcast everything to the whole world, end quote. And she writes, and then the podcast was born and that's exactly what happened. You share your story, and from that, we can have vicarious resilience. We are all stronger because you share.
Speaker 1:You are helping so many people, but I will never say that's the reason these horrid things happened. Those things should never have happened. No matter how many people you help because of them or whatever good can come out of it, it never should have happened. Crystals, thank you so much. This was a beautiful email.
Speaker 1:I printed it and put it in our copy of the book so that we would remember these things and so appreciate your sharing. Thank you so much for attending to us in this way. Our friend emailed the podcast, and I don't wanna read all the personal details, but they asked about a stellate ganglion block. And that is something we have no experience with. And so if that's something that someone has experience with and wants to come on the podcast and talk about it, just let us know, and we'll get that set up because we can't really answer questions about it because we don't know anything about it other than just the same things everyone else can read.
Speaker 1:So it would be really helpful if if there's anyone willing to come on and share their experience. Thank you. Anne says, I have inhabited the world of multiples since January 2005 when I met my first DID friend. It has been an honor and a privilege to have them in my life. It can be hilariously funny or heartbreakingly sad.
Speaker 1:I tell people if they meet someone who is a multiple, please know that they have survived absolutely horrific abuse. They are hurting people, not freaks. I am glad that I found your podcast. I have already subscribed to it. Well, thanks, Anne, for listening to the podcast and for knowing we're not freaks.
Speaker 1:That's awesome. And I appreciate your support, and I'm so glad you connected with us. Thank you. Amanda says, I'm still here, still listening, and still caring. I know things have been a bit wild there in terms of weather and access and all the things that go along with your family situation.
Speaker 1:Our family situation is always wild for sure. Right now, I'm reading emails in the van while the children roller skate in the driveway. So we're just getting it done in the ways we can. They said, let me read through. My default is that I'm annoying or interfering.
Speaker 1:I think every survivor feels like that. We always think we're interfering or that we're annoying or that we're a burden. That's all that shame. Right? So it's helpful to confirm or refute that I can adjust to be supportive in ways that are actually supportive.
Speaker 1:I'd like to be supportive without being intrusive. Hope you and your family are doing well inside and out. Our family's doing great. The four adults, that husband's parents and husband and I are all vaccinated. And so he's being able to go back and forth a little bit while he's caring for them, and that is helpful.
Speaker 1:He's been gone since Valentine's Day. So, yes, of course, he left in a snowstorm on Valentine's Day because, of course, that's what happens to us. Right? So he's been gone since then and, is able to visit some now that were all four vaccinated. And they've just this week said that the FDA will be approving vaccines for 12 year olds.
Speaker 1:So I know that's not for everybody and I'm not talking about that, but for our family, because of our daughter's medical condition, we are in quarantine until all eight of us are vaccinated. So to hear that the triplets are gonna get vaccinated soon is like a huge relief for everybody. It's also more progress towards safety and knowing that we're caring for the children in the best ways that we can. And so that is good news. It is not good news in time to send them back to school this year.
Speaker 1:And so we'll just keep going with homeschool for six. Two years later, right? That's what it feels like. So it's true that things have been hard in lots of ways and things are chaotic just because there's so many people in our family, but also, you know what? Everything's okay.
Speaker 1:And we're doing well, and we're happy. We're good. We're functioning. The kids are doing great. We have a new family therapist for the kids finally.
Speaker 1:She is a lovely, intelligent, skilled black woman. The girls are very excited about her. She's very helpful with the boys with some of her clinical experience that is specific to them. And so it has just been the perfect match, and we are very grateful for her. And so things are going really well, actually, for all of us.
Speaker 1:Thanks for checking on our family. Kate says, hi, system speak. Thank you for the update on how therapy is going for all of you. Hearing the talk about the inner critic reminds me of the chapter in coping with trauma related dissociation about negative core beliefs. Oh my goodness, you guys, we have not even gotten to tell you.
Speaker 1:Guess what? She knows about this book. Our therapist knows about this book. And if you remember, we went through this book, the Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation. We went through this book for like a year on our own in the notebooks, like three or four years ago, and we were not in a place to talk about it yet.
Speaker 1:We never talked about the notebooks in therapy. We never talked about all the work we did in the workbook. We didn't talk about anything. I don't even know what we did in therapy because we didn't talk about anything. That's for sure.
Speaker 1:But we are finally in a place of actually engaging in therapy. It's a huge change for us, a huge shift. And she knows about this book and was like, we're gonna work through this together. Oh, man. I can't even believe it.
Speaker 1:And so here we go. So far, we have spent three weeks just on the introduction to the book, like the letter to clients or whatever it's called, preface or I don't know. The introduction. We spent three weeks just on that. We're not even to chapter one yet.
Speaker 1:And so, I can't even. It's so hard. It's so hard, but we are familiar with it. And so it feels safe enough, and we are ready to sort of practice some of what we have learned about or to talk about what feels right to us and what doesn't fit us. There are some things we disagree with or some things that are not beneficial to us, but most of it is really, really good stuff.
Speaker 1:And we will be working through that allegedly, with the therapist. But so far, you guys, she has been very responsive, which has been important for us after the dissociation level of not being able to engage and not having people who were responsive. Now we have both things. We have someone who's very good with presence and someone who's very responsive. And I think it's where we are ready for what we are ready for, and it seems to be a good fit.
Speaker 1:She responds to us about what she listens to on the podcast, what she reads in the book, what we write to her, what we talk about. She gives us other books to read, and we talk about those. Like, we're actually talking carefully, slowly, carefully, but we are doing it. We are participating in therapy, we're working really hard at it. And so I think we're making progress and I think it's a good fit.
Speaker 1:And not that all therapy was bad before. I don't mean that at all. I just mean we are in a new phase, stage, whatever you wanna call it. We are in a new place in therapy that we've never been before of having to actually deal with some of these things. So that is great, and we are making progress.
Speaker 1:So, yes, we know that book, and it is good stuff. Kate also says, I'm currently reading adult children of emotionally immature parents, how to heal from distant rejecting or self involved parents by Lindsay Gibson. Just wondering if you have heard of it. We've not heard of that one, but we can look into it. There were two others about mother daughter relationships that we just were referred to as well in a talk or a conference or a workshop or something.
Speaker 1:And so we will look those up as well and talk about them on a different podcast. So thanks for telling us about this one. Kate says, A little part of us would like to send some stickers to all of you. Not sure if you still have the box at the post office or if you would prefer a PayPal donation to pick up your own. That's so sweet, and that's very tender, and it's really good timing actually because some of those parts are starting to surface again, which is really anxiety provoking for the rest of us.
Speaker 1:It's very I don't know. It's new. It's been a long time. Things have been on hold because of grieving our other therapist and trying to reengage, but we are reengaging. It's starting, and so it's actually really good timing to tend to them.
Speaker 1:And so that's very kind and thoughtful of you. The PayPal donations, can do on the website at systemsspeak.org, and our PO box is still PO Box 3792 Beeville, Oklahoma 74006. Thank you so much, Kate. We appreciate it, and thank you everyone for your encouragement and for continuing to listen and for your support as we try to do the podcast. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing. One of the ways we practice this is in community together. The link for the community is in the show notes.
Speaker 2:We look forward to seeing you there while we in practice caring for ourselves, caring for our family, and participating with those who also care for community. And remember, I'm just a human, not a therapist for the community, and not there for dating, and not there to be shiny happy. Less shiny, actually. I'm there to heal too. That's what peer support is all about, being human together.
Speaker 2:So yeah, sometimes we'll see you there.