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Kamini Wood works with high achievers on letting go of stress, overwhelm and anxiety that comes with trying to do everything, and trying to do it all perfectly
Kamini Wood: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. Thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend here with me. And you know, before I get started, I wanna just say that today's topic might feel heavier. Um. For, for many of us.
But it's something that we actually need to talk about because pretending that everything is fine doesn't make it fine. Now, recently, Brene Brown said something at the Fortune Most Powerful Women Summit that [00:01:00] stopped a lot of people in their tracks, and what she said was, if you're leading people, you probably know people are not okay.
People are emotionally dysregulated, distrustful, and they're disconnected, and I really want us to just sit with that for a minute. Because whether you're leading a team or you are teaching in a classroom or running a household or just simply trying to hold yourself together in what kind of feels like a pretty chaotic world right now, you've probably felt what she said with the deep truth of what she said.
We are living through a time of. What feels like chronic uncertainty and economic instability, burnout, loneliness, division, it's all taking a toll, and yet there's this expectation that we need to continue to show up and stay productive and keep it together. So I wanna just really talk about what it means to lead and live when I.
People ourselves, we don't feel okay. I mean, how do we hold space for others without burning out ourselves? And how do we lead with a sense of [00:02:00] compassion without also losing our boundaries in the process? How do we rebuild trust and connection in a world that really feels like we're kind of losing both?
And I don't think that this is just about workplace leadership at all. I do think it's about humanity, the human race, you know? Leading just humans. Right. Um, so let's start with what Brene called out. So directly she said people are emotionally dysregulated and that means that many of us are living in a constant state of our nervous system being overloaded.
It's constantly switched on. It's overstimulated, it's overwhelmed, and for some people they actually, uh, lean into numbing through that process. But that pace of life has really. Stripped us of our ability to process what's happening. You know, every headline, notification, every trigger creates this micro stress that creates this chronic anxiety.
You know, at work, people are trying to focus while they're silently also trying to deal with the fatigue and fear. And at home, families are multitasking and they're managing emotions and bills and responsibilities that never seem to [00:03:00] end. So when people feel that sense of. Unsafety emotionally that I'm talking about.
They become guarded and distrust grows, and that's when disconnection happens. And that's the emotional climate that I think we're kind of in right now. It's not calm. It feels very chaotic and turbulent, if you will. So if you're a leader of any kind, you've probably noticed how it's showing up. Maybe you're noticing that, um.
Your team seems more on edge, maybe communication feels shorter, or patience is thinner. Maybe you only, you feel, you know that you're shorter. You may, you know, we're noticing that people are misreading tone and tension and it's not that they don't care, it's that their emotional bandwidth is depleted.
You know, we used to talk about burnout, like it was this temporary thing that we could quickly fix with more sleep. Um, but I think what we're realizing is that burnout is. Scarily becoming more of a baseline and conscious leadership. Um, you know, really can't rely on just old motivation or old tools like motivational speeches.
It's really about awareness and empathy. It requires leaders who can regulate [00:04:00] themselves before trying to regulate others, because the truth really is that the most grounded nervous system in the room is the one that's gonna set the tone. So when you lead from a place of calm presence, you know, you lead from that place instead of panic or chaos.
What you'll do is you'll help others start to regulate too. So. Now we talk about burnout and stress, like they're individual problems, but they're actually pretty relational. Uh, emotions are contagious. Neuroscience shows that our nervous systems will sync up with people that are around us through what's called co-regulation.
So if your manager, for instance, is really anxious or having that chaotic energy. You're gonna feel that as well. Um, if your parent is constantly tense, your body's gonna start to mirror that tension too. If your partner shuts down, your own nervous system is gonna start to pick up on that distance. And that's why leadership isn't about forcing positivity, but it's about really paying attention and managing your [00:05:00] own energy.
When you can stay grounded, others can borrow from that steadiness. And when you practice emotional honesty, it gives them permission. To do the same thing. And that's not weakness. That's really actually building emotional safety. It's creating psychological safety in that present moment. So I wanna talk about now about the I'm fine culture.
How many times have you asked someone how they're doing and they say, I'm fine, but you can tell by their vibe that they aren't, or even you yourself have said, I'm fine. You know, we live in a culture that rewards composure over honesty. We're praised for resilience, but we're. Rarely ever taught repair. We celebrate productivity, but we also neglect rest.
And so people keep showing up when they're actually internally falling apart. And that's why leaders and parents and our colleagues have to learn to ask, you know, how are you really, you know, don't just say I'm fine. The difference between burnout. And belonging often comes down to whether people feel seen and whether they feel heard.
And sometimes the bravest [00:06:00] act of leadership is to create a moment where someone feels safe enough to tell the truth. Brene's words also touched on something deeper. She mentioned distrust. When people don't feel safe, they stop sharing ideas. And they stop being creative and they stop being vulnerable.
And the root of distrust often isn't betrayal, it's inconsistency. So when leaders say one thing, but then they do another thing, so those that they're not their action, the words don't match. That leads to, it chips away at that sense of, of emotional safety and psychological safety. So the antidote isn't just transparency, it's about actually aligning, you know, words match actions, that alignment between what you say and what you do between your values and your behavior.
That's how we start to build trust. And, you know, people don't need perfect leaders, but they do need leaders that they can trust. You know, our kids need parents that they can trust. [00:07:00] So let's widen the lens. Right? So the emotional disconnection isn't, it isn't just happening at work, it's happening in friendships, it's happening in communities, it's happening in families.
Many of us are physically present, but we're emotionally not. Um, you know, we're constantly like on our phones or scrolling. Instead of really engaging in our lives, we multitasking conversations. We're half listening, um, because we think that we're being more efficient, but really what we're doing is taking away that intimacy.
You know, we're wired for connection, but without, without it, we experience that isolation and our brain feels, feels it, right? It feels that disconnection. And so when she says We're disconnected, she's not exaggerating. It is both emotional and neurological. Um, so the invitation is to actually come back to the present moment.
You know, not to perform togetherness, but to actually fully be present together in this moment. So you might be saying, okay, great, so now what do we do with this? Conscious leadership means becoming really in charge of, you know. [00:08:00] How you are emotionally, you know, paying attention to what's going on for you so that then you can start to lead others.
It means understanding that everyone you lead carries their own invisible stories. That behind behavior is actually something deeper that we can get curious about. So when some of them withdraws, it might not be disrespect, it could be just exhaustion. When someone overreacts, it might be fear and not defiance.
When someone underperforms, it might be disconnection and that they're not, it's not that they're not interested, you know? Being a conscious leader, we ask questions, what's happening underneath the behavior? And when we lead with empathy and account self accountability, you know, both are needed, that's when we can really lead our team.
Whoever it is that we're leading, you know, empathy says, I see you. And accountability says, you know, I own my part and I also believe you can grow. And that balance is where we start to build trust with one another. You know, when Brene Brown is talking about distrust, that's how we start rebuilding that sense of trust.
It's impossible to [00:09:00] lead others when you yourself are depleted though. So before you can truly hold space for other people, you gotta, you gotta hold that space for yourself. And that means developing tools for self-regulation. You know, it could be. Micro actions. Again, pausing to breathe before responding to something, grounding your body.
When your emotions start to spike, you really take the time. I mean, putting those feet on the ground and grounding yourself, taking breaks instead of just pushing through the entire day. Setting boundaries so you know you can give yourself time, and you're giving yourself a little bit of self-compassion too.
You really, I mean the old adage, right? You can't pour from an empty cup. So self-regulation, it's not selfish, it's self full. And when you are doing that, it can create sustainable leadership because when you're calm, your clarity returns, and when you're clear, your compassion will deepen and you're able to really pay attention to how you're reacting to people.
When leaders ignore their emotional truth, what happens is that's when the dysfunction grows. [00:10:00] I, we see this in organizations that prioritize productivity over people. We can track high turnover or low trust, and innovation starts to get stifled and we see it in families, um, where they avoid hard conversations.
Resentment builds under the surface. And then of course, we see it in everyday individuals when we suppress our emotions Eventually. Our body's gonna tell us. So ignoring emotional reality doesn't make it go away. It just moves it underground, and that's where it starts to build and fester, and it creates things like stress, disconnection, illness.
So conscious leadership means naming what's real, even when it looks kind of messy. And rebuilding Trust does start small. It's again, micro actions will build it's consistency, it's follow through, it's listening. It's, you know, making repair, apologizing when maybe you do misstep. You know, trust doesn't return because we demand, you know, you can't say, you know, trust me and demand it.
It returns when we earn it with. An honest interaction, you know, one honest interaction at a [00:11:00] time. So if you're leading a team, building rituals of connection, of check-ins, shared reflections, spaces to actually talk and share. And if you're leading your family, making time for actual emotional presence, you know, whether it be shared meals or listening, just listening without fixing, just truly connecting.
Trust grows when we're allowed to be imperfect individuals. And so if you are leading people here are just a couple things to, to maybe take with you. Um, you know. In the moment, normalize being human. Admit. When you're struggling too, it doesn't erode your authority. It actually builds authenticity. Really put some prioritization on emotional and psychological safety.
Create a space for disagreement without punishment. Um, pay attention to modeling boundaries, you know, showing that rest is respected. It's not shamed. And replace judgment with curiosity When someone reacts strongly, ask. To yourself, you know, okay, what could be underneath this? And truly celebrate small wins in dysregulated times, even small progress.
Is so important and it [00:12:00] deserves recognition. You know, leadership today isn't about being the hero. It's about how can we contribute to like this overall idea of healing. And I will say that I think right now, compassion fatigue is a real thing. You know, you can care deeply, um, for somebody and still kind of feel empty.
And leaders often absorb what everyone else is feeling without replenishing their own. Their own selves. So over time, what that does is it leads to irritability. It can also lead to detachment. So if you've reached that point, as a leader, again, it's not that you failed. It means that you too also need some support.
You do need to take some time to rest and reconnect and refuel because your own human being right, you, you need that to be a capable, trustworthy leader yourself. Now. Some things are outside of our control, like we can't control global instability or economic uncertainty, but we can have ownership of how we treat ourselves and how we treat others.
And connection is built in those micro moments. So, you know the text that says, thinking of you, the manager who checks [00:13:00] in after a hard week, the parent who admits, okay, I don't have all the answers. I don't really totally know how to do this, but I'm here with you at those moments. They don't solve all of that instability, but they anchor us together and they anchor us in common humanity.
And right now that humanity is leadership. So I just want you to maybe take a moment to reflect, um, on a couple things that you might, might just journal on or just think about, you know, where am my life? Am I leading people who might not be okay right now? And how am I showing up when others are emotionally dysregulated?
What helps me regulate my own emotions when things feel uncertain, and where might I need to rebuild trust. Through my actions or you know, through my actions, and maybe not just my words or maybe where are my words? And actions not matching up. Leadership doesn't require a title. It just requires us to be aware and to be present.
So if you're feeling the weight of this moment, I just wanna say you're not alone. I think a lot of us are feeling the [00:14:00] heaviness and if you're leading in a time when people just. Seem tired and exhausted. This is when optimism feels most fragile. What you can really anchor back into is your own awareness, your own compassion, and your willingness to stay in this present moment.
Those can be your anchors and you don't have to fix the world. Um, it's important to just recognize like what is within my control? How can I show up and how can I connect with the people that either I'm leading or that are. Closest to me. Being the calm and the chaos doesn't mean that you don't feel it.
Uh, it just means that you choose to not let that chaos define you, and you're willing to put the effort in to stay in the present moment and to stay connected to your own humanity and your own honesty. So when you look around and you notice that people aren't okay, don't turn away. I really invite you to lean in, but lean in with that sense of awareness.
Lean in with that sense of steadiness, lean in and listen in with empathy. Because leadership today isn't about having all the answers. It's about helping people feel safe enough to find [00:15:00] the answers within themselves. If you wanna chat about how coaching can help maybe even support you in that process, or just how coaching can help move you forward.
Feel free at any time to book a time to speak with me at coachwithkamini.com and until next time, stay well.