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Strict Fathers vs Nurturant Parents
The biggest lie I heard from progressive politics is one you probably heard, too.
If only the other side knew the facts, they would understand. If only they saw our pain, they would stop.
Bull****.
Those are two lies, and they both mean the same thing: for some people, facts and feelings will never matter as much as obedience to conservative standards.
So when my queer friends share their joy, I can’t help but smile. But a part of me feels scared.
When my trans friends describe what helps them shed dysphoria, I’m instantly filled with compassion. But a part of me is already moving to protect them from a new assault.
Because for some people, a queer person’s happiness is an infectious joy.
But for others, it’s like a predator catching the scent of blood.
Don’t think of a conservative
In George Lakoff’s groundbreaking book Don’t Think Of An Elephant (Amazon), the author divides political identities not according to their arguments, but according to the frame in which a person makes those arguments.
To sum up a book that’s not that long anyway, Lakoff divides political frames into two groups: Strict Fathers vs Nurturant Parents.
Strict Fathers believe that obedience trumps all. Rules exist for a reason. Our inner selves are wicked and must be resisted at all cost.
To teach children to always obey without question, a parent must always be prepared to make the pain of disobedience worse for their child than if they had simply obeyed.
Discipline and punishment are vital tools for a Strict Father.
Anyone is welcome into the fold if they are willing to repent and obey.
Nurturant Parents believe that your inner self is your best self. Each person merely needs appropriate support and resources to thrive. Parents teach children how to thrive in the face of people who will hurt them for being different.
While discipline and punishment may be part of a Nurturant Parent’s toolset, children are raised to believe in their inherent self-worth.
Uniqueness and individuality are treasured as parts of an interconnected whole.
Empowering your authentic self will always be better than submitting to a Strict Father’s cruelty.
Order and power are worthless if they rob each person of their authentic selves.
For a Strict Father, men will always be more powerful than women
A woman will never have more power than a man because in the Strict Father frame, power flows in one direction.
God → Man → Woman → Child → Animal → All else
For society to thrive, power must never violate that continuum. For each individual to thrive, they must respect the order that got us this far.
While innovation is encouraged, you’ll only do well so long as you respect a Strict Father’s definition of each label (eg Man, Child) and the flow of power that keeps Man at the top.
You can quickly see how queer people end up being a Strict Father’s most common target.
When you tell a Strict Father what makes feeling queer feel good, you’re telling them how to hurt you
For a Strict Father, if what you’re doing feels good but doesn’t empower the conservative hierarchy, it’s not really helping you.
Consider, for example, you tell a Strict Father — maybe your actual father — that despite being raised as a boy, you knew before your first memory that you were a girl. Now you want to grow your hair out. You beg for his support. You need medical help to fight the same kinds of biological obstacles most women face regardless of the configuration of their genitals.
Your father keeps a careful list of each helpful item. Not to help you, but to identify what you can never have. Getting those things would make you more yourself, and that can never happen. Not when that true self doesn’t conform to what would be best for everyone.
The Strict Father must now use discipline and punishment to ensure you never have access to what makes you feel more like anything other than what you’re supposed to be.
In time, the pain of disobedience will teach you to stop reaching for wholeness. Your wholeness just leads to a Strict Father’s cruelty.
That cruelty will stop — they promise — as soon as we accept our place and learn to obey.
When you show a Nurturant Parent your pain, you’re showing them how to help
Does the Nurturant Parent despise discipline and punishment? Well, no. The Nurturant Parent will also utilize discipline and punishment. But the impact is as distinct as the intent.
Nurturant Parents believe their kids are inherently good. Discipline and punishment aren’t used to train children to resist their inner impulses — but they are used. Rather than for punishment, boundaries and limits form the foundation for each person to explore what makes them unique.
The inner self isn’t what must be defeated. It’s the obstacles we face that turn us upside down.
Even obstacles called Matt Walsh?
Yes, readers. Even obstacles called Matt Walsh.
But the first step to resisting harmful behaviors from people like Jordan Peterson and JK Rowling is to see through the fog they use to disguise their bigotry.