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Mortem Corp is an anthology series written by the students in Rob Roznowskis script development class presented by Impact 89FM. Every episode exists in the same world of the “Mortem Corp. Lab” but each episode consists of different characters and is a different story. All actors are students at Michigan State University. Directed, produced, and sound designed by Tessa Kresch.
Mortem Corp. Episode 2. Promotion Commotion
Welcome to Mortem Corp, Impact 89FM’s first Audio Drama Podcast. Mortem Corp is fully written, produced and sound designed by students at Michigan State University (glitch)
Founded in 1836, Mortem Corp was the worlds leading experimental research laboratory which we are now discovering may have had questionable ethics. After their mysterious destruction, audio recordings have been found throughout the ruins of the Mortem Corp facilities. Throughout the next few episodes, you will be hearing some of the discovered recordings. Sit back and relax and enjoy the ride.
(PA JINGLE)
PA ANNOUNCER
Hello MORTEM Corp. employees, We are sad to say that After 182 years at our esteemed company, Head Research Chief for the Department of Categorical Oddities Thaddeus Thunberger has decided to retire. We ask you to join us on
Saturday July 25th
at
8:21 AM
to celebrate him and all of the great things he did with our organization.
-
ELI
Is this on? This is Dr. Eli Swimmer, here to record my progress on what could be a never before documented breakthrough in micro covalent bonds-
(He is cut off by a door being carelessly slammed open, revealing the faint sounds of hallway bustle as someone enters the room and lets out an exaggerated gasp.)
REGGIE
Is that Eli I spy over at the water cooler?
Hey man, how’s it going?
ELI
Oh. Hello Dr. Grossbeck
Can I help you with
(Slap on the back)
REGGIE
Please, you know to just call me Reggie! Man, I feel like we haven’t worked with each other in ages!
ELI
I mean… I helped you with the dissection of that alien sea slug two weeks ago.
REGGIE
Really? I’m pretty sure that I did that alone…
ELI
No, no I remember I was handling all of the plutonium goo so now I’ll die if I go under ultraviolet lights
REGGIE
Oh… anyways, I assume you heard all that news about Chief T.T. leaving huh? I’d say it was quite a shock for me. The guy is so spry you almost forgot that he’s at pension am I right?
ELI
Well… I mean it’s not that surprising considering-
REGGIE
Yeah sure… Listen, I want you to be completely honest with me. Do you think that as the Research Assistant for the Department of Categorical Oddities, I would be good as Big T’s replacement?
ELI
I don't know you might be…
REGGIE
Be honest with me man…
ELI
It’s just that you…
REGGIE
Honesty man!
ELI
(sighs) You’d be a great fit
REGGIE
That’s what I’m talking about man! I knew I had it in me and-
(The door opens, much gentler this time as the sounds of the hallway are heard once again)
LUCY
Excuse me, gentlemen you’re blocking the cooler
ELI
Oh, sorry Dr. Whitehall
REGGIE
Well if it isn’t Luce the Caboose herself, gracing us at the water cooler I see, and here I thought your temporal wormhole project at the Bermuda Triangle wasn’t over for another week.
LUCY
Yes, well we were stuck inside a wormhole for a whole year so we got back early. Not that I’d expect you to understand regardless.
REGGIE
Right… Well, Eli here was just telling me how he thinks I would be a great replacement for Big T. when he leaves and I mean, you can’t deny that I have the skills to-
LUCY
You Dr. Grossbeck? Feh! You have only half the qualifications I have and you think a leech such as yourself could get his position? Ha! The writing on the wall is clear and that promotion is mine. I am the Head Research Assistant for the Department of Categorical Oddities after all.
REGGIE
Yeah, for the last five years! It’s clear you’re right where Mortem wants you. Meanwhile, I’ve been promoted four times in two years. Now, it’s which one of us they want running the show and it’s not you Luce, isn’t that right Eli?
(Slap on the back)
ELI
Well… I mean…
LUCY
I have spent the last two years of my life containing and categorizing the shrieking wormholes of the Himalayas. I doubt in your two years of schmoozing you’ve been responsible for an anomaly that impressive, Dr. Grossbeck.
REGGIE
Of course, I have… It was part of a top-secret project but I think I can show it to you.
LUCY
Certainly, you can, considering that despite everything I still outrank you. Now I’ll be on my way and when I return here for another drink at the same time tomorrow, I’m positive that you will still be spewing hot air like a WAZZOCK.
(The door is gently opened and hear the quiet bustle on the hallway)
LUCY (Continued)
I hope you don’t disappoint me.
REGGIE
God she’s the worst!
Everything is an issue with her just because she wants an excuse to flaunt what little authority she’s been able to muster up after a life of groveling. Maybe I don’t live my life as rigidly as she does but she doesn't have to act like she’s my mom everytime she sees it!
ELI
But uh… if you don’t mind me asking, what’s this secret anomaly you’ve been put in charge of?
REGGIE
We’re gonna find out when we get it.
ELI
Wait… we?
REGGIE
That’s right Eli, my man! Now come on we have all night tonight to find something that’ll make Luce’s head spin.
ELI
Wait! I left my tape recorder-
-
REGGIE
Guess who’s back baby!
LUCY
Well hello, Dr. Grossbeck, I see you have a special containment unit with you.
REGGIE
Oh you better believe!
LUCY
I hope it’s large enough to carry all of your broken aspirations in it (laughs).
LUCY (Continued)
Are you doing well Dr. Swimmer? You look positively dreadful.
REGGIE
Dude just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, isn’t that right?
(Slap on the back)
ELI
Yep! All good!
REGGIE
Let’s get on to the main attraction then, behold!
(The sounds on the container being clicked open followed by a whoosh of air as the humidity is released.)
LUCY
Is that-
REGGIE
The Ancient Gorilla’s Foot of Mesopotamia! When you cut off one of its toes it brings about a terrible disaster that leads to the greater good. For example, say if you lopped off a toe while taking it from its ancient tomb, it may cause part of it to collapse on your assistant researcher.
It opens up a way out. And as the researcher who discovered it, you are now looking at the self-appointed arbiter on how to use these toes to help the world for the greater good from right beneath their noses! Surely that tops whatever you and your little vortexes are doing.
LUCY
Well.. that is an… impressive duty but I can assure that that pales in comparison to the new anomaly that I have been put in charge of. One that I will show you tomorrow, same time, same place. And then even you’ll know the clear choice to replace Dr. Thunberger. Now if you’ll excuse me I must be on my way.
(She leaves)
REGGIE
Ha! Good job Eli my guy! I gotta say all those death traps were more than worth it to see the way the color drained from her obnoxious face once she laid her eyes on this little beauty of ours wouldn’t you say?
ELI
Well… I wouldn’t go that far
(The door gently opens once again.)
LUCY
Oh! And one more thing. Dr. Swimmer, would you come with me? I have a… special assignment for you.
ELI
Oh, uh sure, uh… What do you need?
LUCY
You’ll see soon enough.
-
LUCY
Where is that lazy…
(The door is frantically opened and shut as Eli rushes in, huffing and puffing.)
ELI
Dr. Whitehall! Sorry for-
LUCY
Ah! Dr. Swimmer there you are, You really have to work on your punctuality you know. Now do you have the anomaly that I requested?
ELI
Uh… yeah, It took all night though considering I had to dig it up and then it kept biting me with it’s marble teeth and then-
LUCY
I’m not interested in how you got it, only if you have it with you.
ELI
Oh right here you are.
LUCY
Excellent! Just the sight of this is sure to wipe that smarmy grin off of Dr. Grossbeck’s face. Ha! He’ll know for sure that I’m the one who deserves that position, not him. I’ve worked my way from the ground up and became Dr. Thunberger’s favorite, while all he’s done is freeload his way into a comfy position just because his uncle is the head of the Department of Overthrowing Shadow Dictators. But with this he’ll have no choice but to concede this position to me!
Is there a reason you’re still here?
ELI
Oh right! Sorry I’ll just- oof
(The door opens and an oof as Eli and Reggie bump into each other.)
ELI
Sorry-
(The door closes.)
LUCY
Dr. Grossbeck! For once you're right on time, perhaps your colleagues should take some notes on that.
REGGIE
Well come on Luce, humiliating yourself to one up me is something I couldn’t possibly be late for! So what’s this ‘big important anomaly’ that you have to show me?
LUCY
Well… In order to prove to you who is best researcher, I present to you:
(The sounds on the container being clicked open followed by a whoosh of air is the humidity is released. Followed by Socrates' scream that increases in volume.)
LUCY (Continued)
The disembodied head of Socrates that knows all of the secrets of the universe
SOCRATES
THE MOON IS ACTUALLY A SPACE TUMOR! LOBSTERS ARE JUST UNDEAD CRABS! 1+1 ACTUALLY EQUALS 2.673!
(A beat filled to the brim with Socrates’ unintelligible screams of existentialism.)
REGGIE
It’s… impressive… and loud.
SOCRATES
ASTHMA IS CAUSED BY ALIENS HIDING IN YOUR THROAT!
REGGIE
But why is it so important?
LUCY
Somebody has to be in charge of all of the secrets that the universe holds in one big screaming head, it’s only natural that such a task would fall to me!
SOCRATES
ELI SLEEPS WITHA STUFFED OCTOPUS AT NIGHT! A SECRET GROUP OF COWBOYS KNOWN AS ‘THE UNION RIDERS’ WHO FROZE THEMSELVES TO SURVIVE A DUST STORM STILL EXIST TODAY AND RIDE ACROSS THE NATION TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT FROM THE SHADOWS!
LUCY
Okay that enough out of you, back into the box who you
SOCRATES
NO! NOT THE DARKNESS! IT REMINDS ME OF-
(Socrates’ screams are cut off as the container is closed and clicked shut.)
LUCY
He’s a bit of a handful, sure, but I’m sure you’ll agree that such knowledge that he holds must only be in the hands of somebody trustworthy. Somebody competent and knowledgeable to protect these truths. Somebody perfect for the position of Head Research Chief for the Department of Categorical Oddities, wouldn’t you agree?
REGGIE
Well that’s… you… ugh!
Don’t think you’ve proven yourself yet! You’ll always be the same brown-noser who’s been stuck in the same position for five years because nobody wants to deal with you more than they already do!
LUCY
And you’ll be the same pathetic floater who's been surviving off of handouts all your life and too deluded to realize. Once I get that promotion I’m going to enjoy sending you to work in the extraterrestrial mail room where you belong.
REGGIE
THAT’S IT! I hope you’re ready Luce, cause this is war!
LUCY
The fact you didn’t think it was war already proves that my win is in the bag.
REGGIE
Just you wait! Just! You! Wait!
(The door is ripped open and then slammed shut then a beat, followed by it being sheepishly reopened.)
REGGIE
Uh.. Do you know where Eli is? I need his help with a couple of projects.
LUCY
I’ll make sure that he gets to you… After he assists me with an assignment.
-
REGGIE
Introducing Liquid Courage! The embodiment of the feeling of courage juiced into a liquid that you can consume and tastes like papayas. Pretty important, right?
-
LUCY
I present the Ouroboros snake! If it stops forever eating its tail then it will devour the world so it takes dedication to keep it distracted.
-
REGGIE
Behold! The Voodoo Globe! Touch anywhere on it and create a natural disaster! Such a dangerous artifact can only be in trusted hands wouldn’t you say.
(CRASH)
REGGIE (continued)
Oops
-
LUCY
The- *ugh* The Dagger of Decimation is a- *no ugh* is a dagger that it launches itself- *ugh come on* towards the enemies of its wielder and- and- *hold still* will not rest until they are sliced into- *ugh* into thirty billion pieces exactly *oh come one stay*. Lucky I have such a- *ugh* such a deadly artifact under control isn’t it?
-
REGGIE
Well look who still showed up. I thought that you’d take this last opportunity to suck up to Big T. considering today’s his last day and all.
LUCY
Well that means I would skip our final duel on who is the most competent researcher, and I won’t lose to you in the eleventh hour.
REGGIE
A bold claim to make considering you haven’t seen what I have to offer.
LUCY
Perhaps so, but I doubt it could hold a candle to the anomaly that ends all anomalies I have to show you today. Eli!
ELI
I mean, yes?
LUCY
Would you go fetch what I prepared for today?
ELI
Oh okay. Ow, ow, ow, ow,
(Eli continues to groan in pain with every step as he opens the door.)
REGGIE
One truly thinks one is about to win, huh?
LUCY
Of course, Though I’m sure you think the same about the trinket you brought in.
REGGIE
You know it!
(The two laugh, a lot fonder than any previous time they have done so.)
REGGIE
You know… I think I’ll miss these little spats of ours in some weird way.
LUCY
Perhaps… I might as well
(The door opens again. Eli grunts with every heavy measured step)
LUCY (Continued)
But this is not the time to think about such matters, the eve of my victory is at hand after all. For I found an anomaly so out of place in our world that its mere existence breaks down every law our universe has created. Said to be the result of a druid curse placed upon a sacred stone in Dublin, I give you: The world’s most unmovable object!
LUCY (Continued)
Really? Nothing?
REGGIE
Big whoop it’s a friggin rock! I got thousands of them in my gravel driveway. Hey Eli Why don’t you bring in my anomaly and we can prove I’m the superior researcher once and for all.
ELI
Oh okay. Ow, ow, ow, ow,
(Eli continues to groan in pain with every step as he opens the door.)
LUCY
You missed the point entirely! This rock breaks the laws of physics. It literally can not be moved. We had to bring it in by picking up the dirt underneath it.
REGGIE
So what? It’s still as dull as… as dull as a rock! My anomaly is the result of a Russian scientist taking a perpetual motion machine and powering it up with a nuclear reactor! We have to keep it contained or else it would destroy this whole room in seconds!
(The door reopens will Eli struggling. There is a constant rhythm of a small object bouncing around the walls of its small container.)
REGGIE (Continued)
I present to you… the unstoppable object!
LUCY
A slightly faster than average children’s toy? That’s your trump card? You had me worried for a second there.
REGGIE
It’s certainly better than your rock! I did the work and found a better and more important anomaly than you, why can’t you admit that I’m fit for the job
ELI
Uh, guys?
LUCY
Because it’s clear you don’t actually want the job, you just want to get promoted! I’m the only one keeping you from destroying this department with your slacker ways!
ELI
Guys?
REGGIE
Like you want it for completely unselfish reasons. We all know this is just one big ego trip for you! To prove to yourself that you’re not as worthless and meaningless in the world as you know you are.
LUCY
SHUT UP!
(It shatters and the object is released. We hear it smash into walls and shatter glass)
ELI
IT’S LOOSE! GET DOWN!
LUCY
Oh shoot!
REGGIE
Don’t let it touch the unmovable object it could create a-
(The crack as the two objects meet the world around them dissolves and suctioning winds blow.)
REGGIE (continued)
Black hole!
(The room is torn asunder as we hear objects such as pens, papers, computers, tables, even the water cooler ripped from their place in the room.)
ELI
AAAAAAAH
(Eli’s scream vanishes into thin air.)
REGGIE
ELI!
LUCY
NO!
(The two audibly struggle against the black hole’s pull.)
REGGIE
We have to stop that thing before it sucks up the whole compound! You’re the one who works with wormholes, what do we do?
LUCY
Those are completely different from a black hole! The only way to contain an emerging black hole is for something to plug it and counterbalance the space warp, but there’s nothing in here that would work for that!
REGGIE
What if I went in?
LUCY
Dr. Grossbeck you can’t be serious-
REGGIE
I gotta clean my mess after all.
LUCY
This is as much my mess as it is yours.
REGGIE
Even still… If I can fix this and make sure nobody else suffers because of my pettiness, well I don’t have a choice there do I?
LUCY
Even if you went inside your mass alone is not enough to completely balance the black hole, so I’ll go in too and that should be enough.
REGGIE
Luce…
LUCY
I did say I’m the only one keeping you from destroying this department after all, and I intend to keep that promise.
LUCY
Anything more to say… Reggie
REGGIE
Not much Dr. Whitehall, just that I think that with this kind of resolve you might be a good fit for the position after all.
LUCY
I was about to say the same about you.
-
(PA JINGLE)
PA ANNOUNCER
Hello MORTEM Corp. employees, two members of ours from the Department of Categorical Oddities, Head Research Assistant Lucille Whitehall and Research Assistant Reginald Grossbeck, have decided to leave MORTEM Corp. to pursue other opportunities beyond the fifth dimension. We thank them for their time with us and wish well on all of their future endeavors. With these two esteemed employees leaving, Thaddeus Thunberger’s replacement as Head Research Chief for the Department of Categorical Oddities falls to the third highest on the chain, intern and black hole survivor Eilias Swimmer, who will now say a few words.
(Heavy breathing as Eli struggles to get any words out.)
ELI
What the - beep
-
You just listened to episode 2 of Mortem Corp on Impact 89FM. This podcast was written by the students in Rob Roznowskis script development class at Michigan State University. This episode was written by Nathaniel Myers.
Produced and sound designed by Tessa Kresch
Co-Directed by Tessa Kresch and Henry J
Music in this episode: Galaxy Shard by Blue Dot Sessions
Performed by
Lane Straub as Lucy
Bobby Conlan as Eli
Josh Sowers as Reggie
Ben Barber as Socrates
Joie Culligan as PA Announcer
Special thanks to Lucas Nunn, Rob Roznowski, Jeremy Whiting, Libby Lussenhop, and the entire Impact team.
Tune in next week for episode 3 of Mortem Corp…