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“Let them walk away. Let them have their opinion. Let them underestimate you. You’ve got better things to do.”
— Mel Robbins
The Moonshots Podcast goes behind the scenes of the world's greatest superstars, thinkers and entrepreneurs to discover the secrets to their success. We deconstruct their success from mindset to daily habits so that we can apply it to our lives. Join us as we 'learn out loud' from Elon Musk, Brene Brown to emerging talents like David Goggins.
hello and welcome to the Moonshots
podcast It's episode
275 I'm your co-host Mike Parsons and as
always I'm joined by the man himself Mr
Mark Pearson Freeland Good morning Mark
Hey good morning Mike Good morning
Moonshots listeners subscribers members
and everyone in between We're so glad to
be bringing you an action-packed episode
Mike when you said that number I think I
did a really deep inhale I thought blime
me is it 275 now it is a lot of shows
And it's crazy to think that we are
doing actually what I believe to be one
of the
hottest writers in the sort
of self-improvement personal development
space and an
absolute screamingly popular person on
our show Um and she has got a lot of
snappy direct wisdom to give us today
Yeah you're right Mike bingo on all of
that approach because this week uh
listeners and members we're getting into
one of our favorite authors who we've
had uh covered on the show before and
that is Mel Robbins And as Mike's just
said her brand new book Let Them So
we've covered a couple of the books in
the past Mike and even for our members
we put together a show on the master
series on Mel Robbins just a couple of
weeks ago But this new book Let Them has
a
fantastic transform transformational
approach I would say Mike in the sense
of how you could look at it and think
"Oh it's pretty
simple." If you boil it down I think
there's a lot of really juicy sort of
bits within this stew isn't there
there's there's a lot of metaphor in
there I know that maybe that was too
much but I will let you Don't worry
Um so yeah I just want you to imagine
Bnee Brown and Ryan Holidayiday got
married and had a child It would be Mel
Robbins and she has this capacity that
is quite unique She can take very
fundamental spiritual emotional almost
psychological patterns to improve your
quality of life the way you work at home
the way you get along with people at
work and make them snappy memorable and
highly relevant to the sort of
challenges we have socially uh
postco So I put a right up in the
pantheon with Simon Synynic Mark I think
she is an amazingly talented condenser
of wisdom and she can make it highly
usable as well So she's got some of that
deepness of Bnee She's got some of those
epic storytelling and writing skills of
Ryan Holiday and she's got her unique uh
flavor as well So if you find yourself
getting a little bit frustrated with
others annoyed at others heaven forbid
angry at others and that causes you a
lot of emotional turmoil Whether that's
at home in the office this book and this
show is for you because we're going to
break down the wisdom that is in the
book Let them And we're also going to
find out how Mel Robbins can guide us
through these tricky social emotional
situations and make sure that not only
ourselves but the people around us are
better off for it I mean if you're
pitching it like that Mike I don't know
how we can you know promise anything
else to our listeners um combination of
Ron Holiday Simon Senate Brenne I mean
come on We got to get into it right i
think you've just got to press the big
button my friend Right Well look if none
of that has uh hook line and sinker our
members and listeners let's let Mel do
the job for us So this first clip Mike
for this brand new book Let Them We're
kicking off our show today 275 is Mel
breaking down this let them theory for
us a little bit more in detail so that
we can set our sights on what exactly it
is that we've got ourselves in for
today I have something so cool to share
with you and I know you're going to love
it because I shared something called the
let them theory in an Instagram post
less than a week ago and I just looked
it up There are over 14 million views of
this thing which always tells me when
something goes that viral that it
strikes a nerve And in this post it's
just a quick selfie video And I'm
explaining what's called the let them
theory It is a game changer And that's
what we're going to talk about in
today's episode But to just tee this up
since this went so viral I want you to
hear what I said in this selfie video on
Instagram Check this out I just heard
about this thing called the let them
theory I freaking love this If your
friends are not inviting you out to
brunch this weekend let them If the
person that you're really attracted to
is not interested in a commitment let
them If your kids do not want to get up
and go to that thing uh with you this
week let them So much time and energy is
wasted on forcing other people to match
our expectations And the truth is if
somebody especially somebody you're
dating or who's a friend or somebody
you're trying to partner with in
business if they are not showing up how
you need them to show up do not try to
force them to change Let them be
themselves because they are revealing
who they are to you Just let them And
then you get to choose what you do
next The let them theory It's so obvious
And once you learn it you are going to
use it so many times a day you will it's
just going to blow your mind because the
let them theory is going to allow you to
detach yourself from the things that
cause a lot of struggle and angst and
emotion to come up when you get
controlling The let them theory also
allows you to let go of the res
let them do it And finally what you're
going to learn is that the let them
theory it is incredible because when you
let somebody just be who they actually
are and you stop trying to make them
something else you realize in so many
friendships and so many relationships
you actually are in love with their
potential You're not in a relationship
with who the person really is and you've
been so busy controlling and trying to
change them that you don't even
recognize that you're in a relationship
with their potential And when you let
somebody be who they actually are
wow it allows you to understand who
you're actually dealing
with Mark um key word key word I want us
to all get like very focused on
detachment
Now when I first came across the idea of
detachment and what I think many of us
might have the habit of doing is
thinking detachment means not giving up
about anything right detached I don't
care whatever
um I think I've kind of discovered that
it's a little bit a little bit more than
that and let's like what I really want
to do
is get into this idea of what she's
talking about but also expl explain how
she's doing it and how it is rooted in
ancient spiritual and emotional
well-being
So when what she's not talking about is
like not giving a hoot not
caring It's not about that at all It's
really much more about practicing what
Steven CVY talked about these circles of
influence right what is in your circle
of influence and then knowing what is
out of it Now the catch in contemporary
life is we often stress a lot about the
things on the outside
uh of our control outside of our circle
of influence For example you might be um
trying to fix the global economic trade
imbalance with with tariffs Now I think
unless you're an adviser to President
Trump you might not be able to influence
that But you could spend a lot of time
and energy
stressing about these things worrying
about these things getting angry about
these things And I would say that what
we can do inside of this is understand
that that's a waste of energy because
you're deploying a lot of emotion um a
lot of your personal energy and it's not
having any outcome It's not having any
uh result
So what is she really talking about is
mindfully detaching meaning be
present letting go of the outcome that
you wish for others that you don't
control Notice those thoughts and let
them go And if they don't invite you to
brunch or don't want to be a partner
detach from your ego and sense of how
dare they who do they think they are or
I hate them now because I didn't get
invited to
brunch Detach from that because I think
the the big thing is that's a trap
The trap is spinning endlessly on that
fear anger frustration hatred anxiety
and stress on things that you do not
control
And what she's really saying is practice
non-judgment If that's what they choose
maybe you've made your case for let's go
have brunch and they don't invite you Oh
you did your best Maybe if you go out
and maybe you go to the cafe by yourself
take a good book you might have a
fantastic brunch and immerse yourself in
that book which is deeply rewarding
So don't get
stuck in
that
judgment
frustration on others and things that
you don't control Let that go Let them
go do that And then give yourself that
clean slate to work on something you do
control I'll go for a walk I'll eat
healthy I'll take a rest I'll sit in the
sun I'll write I'll do something really
productive I'll do some meaningful
tidying up in the house Whatever it
is I believe what's so beautiful about
this is if you read the
Stoics if you read a lot of Buddhism if
you read a lot of mindfulness books they
talk about detachment and non-judgment
as pillars to emotional well-being What
Mel just did for us Mark is she gave us
this mantra this affirmation They don't
invite you to
lunch let them
I think this as she called out simple
you know or misleadingly simple idea
this affirmation is helping us inject a
little bit of realism into the way that
we think You know it's so easy to get
very very settled into your own mind
isn't it very easy to only think about
the work that you're doing the
priorities that you have Hey I've got
this deadline for later today Everybody
needs to get out of my way I am only on
one track today and that's to deliver
whatever it is that I've got to go and
do Anybody who's slowing me down in
traffic on the bus whatever they are
actually just living their lives And I
think what Mel does really nicely in
that clip is and you picked on it as
well Mike this idea of detachment So
what I like about trying to detach
yourself from the um pressures of others
is quite physical You know you really do
if you remove yourself from the
pressures of uh uh judging others You
can feel a little bit more free You're
untethered aren't you if you let them
get in your way if you let them be
themselves And obviously we'll explore
that concept a little bit more in the
rest of the show as well letting people
others letting others be themselves I
think it helps you really focus and
prioritize the time that you do have so
that you can go out and do the really
good deadline and the delivery that
you're trying to get done rather than
turning up hot and sweaty and frustrated
by the actions of others You know try
and just stay in your lane Forgive them
for what they might be doing They might
not even know what they're doing Right
That's right I mean that's that famous
saying that most people are too busy to
care about you and um the point there is
you don't assume malice on the part of
others is often they're just living
their life doing their thing with their
blinkers on doing their thing and you
know sometimes you're just not a
priority in that So back the question
here is
like let's
say somebody doesn't invite you to
brunch The biggest
instinctual temptation is your ego will
run wild You'll be you'll be hurt You'll
have hurt
feelings Uh you'll be a bit sad Maybe
that quickly flips as a defensive
mechanism into anger and judgment of
them Well I didn't want to have brunch
with them anyway I don't I don't like
the shoes they wear you know Um jealousy
How do we stop that running wild because
that's really ego
Um how do we stop that that quick
judgment of others well I think we've
covered some of it when we did the
happiness advantage and I know you
referenced the Daly Lama as well Um and
I think a lot of that is just trying to
uh assume the best of
people trying to focus more on what
maybe you can do for others rather than
what others are doing to you Yeah So
instead of getting on a bus and there's
no seat and you kind of cursing in your
head thinking why doesn't anybody know
that I'm tired instead you think okay
well if I was on the bus and somebody
else came on Yeah I would give them my
seat So instead of trying to focus only
on the negative aspects of it try and
spin it into a way of thinking
positively and thinking yeah this is
what I would do What about you Mike what
what comes to your mind when you're
thinking in this train of thought i
don't know if I'm as highminded as
you up my seat on the bus Um but I would
admit that like one of the things very
practically is I try and just say don't
waste your energy Yeah Right I find that
really cuz like okay so someone did
something
um and it is what it is I can like stew
on it or I can just plow my energy into
something new and just let that other
thing go like I I had one interesting
thing uh with a business partnership at
the beginning of the year and it
surprised me and I was like huh that was
a bit
disappointing
and what I really focused on is saying
okay the universe is going to open up
something new for me that I can't quite
see yet right and um that really helped
in just like moving on and not like
complaining that you didn't get invited
added to brunch but just moving on Yeah
So I like that Like you know don't waste
your energy Trust that the universe is
going to present something else to you
Maybe you didn't get a brunch invite
Maybe someone invites you to dinner Mhm
You don't know right now cuz you just
got the no on brunch Maybe this is a yes
for dinner So I think there's a bunch
there that you can do But I think it's a
if we can catch ourselves at that moment
where we want to get all upset that we
didn't get invited to brunch and just
say honestly what's the use of me
spending this 5 minutes ruminating and
and being like Darth Vader or you know
the dark storm clouds of Sauran Yeah
exactly Mordor is just move on Be a
happy little hobbit You know what you
you've reminded me Mike there's a great
saying that you have more luck when you
work hard And what I think that speaks
to me about is is having gratitude for
the current situation Yeah So you know
oh poor me When you're feeling down
everything's rubbish You get hit all the
red lights and so on and so forth But
sometimes when you're in a good mood and
you're feeling you know thankful for
things and you have gratitude suddenly
you notice hey I've hit all the green
lights and trusting the universe I think
is another way of kind of saying oh you
know I'm going to go out with the best
intentions to be positive be open and
willing Yeah But on that point I think
we fall also into the habit of thinking
it's a direct reciprocal one-on-one do
something good for you and like a like a
ping pong ball comes straight back But
life doesn't work like that Sometimes
you can give for days weeks months and
years and you never get a direct
response from that individual or that
entity But the thing is I think when you
go about with gratitude and
generosity it makes you available to
connect with others who come across you
and go Mark is like what a great guy
Like I really enjoyed that meeting I'd
like to have another meeting with Mark
or I think we can do something with Mark
And it is because you're coming with
this sense of generosity I think it's
basic chemistry really It can either be
closed and judgmental or open and and
giving and paying it forward So I think
it's a really big choice much like the
choice to become a member of the
moonshot podcast Mark yeah these
individuals who you know pay it forward
every week It is not something that goes
unnoticed You know much like I think a
lot of the opportunities that we see
every day Mike to do some random acts of
kindness and to support others really
really does help and it makes a big
difference for you for me for all of our
Moonshots family and for the show itself
and all of our listeners So I'm
digressing Mike let's pull out the dusty
old trumpet and bring it out for all of
our members who we pull this show
together for every week Bob Datmar
Marian Connor Lisa Sid Mr Bonju and Paul
Berg Calman Joe Christian Samoella
Barbara Deborah and Lassie Steve Craig
Ravi Evette Raul Nikawa Ingram Durk
Venata Jet Roger Steph Roar Diana
Kristoff and Denise Laura Mike Antonio
Zachary Austin and Ola Andy Diana Margie
Jasper Fabian Guhong Eddie Lars Sabiha
and Samyak Guys it really uh goes
without saying how much we appreciate
your ongoing support with the Moonshots
podcast Yes we really do And if you are
not a member i.e
99.9999% of all our other hundreds of
thousands of listeners please go to
moonshots.io click on the button become
a member support us help us pay the
bills And as you do that you can
consider a shift in your energy Cuz if
you thought we went deep in the first
clip we are going very deep in this next
one I think this is breaking news This
is the deep dive coming up Mark what
have you got for us as we delve into the
let them theory well some of that Mike
you mentioned was detachment And
ultimately what we learned from Mel as
well as some of our other authors
previously is that energy is finite Time
is your most valuable resource So we
need to know how to channel that
correctly We need to know where to spend
our time and as well as our focus So
building on the let them theory let's
hear from Mel now Tell us a little bit
more about what the steps are in order
to help us shift our focus
See when you say let them you stop
giving your time and energy to other
people into situations that you can't
control And you know what that allows
you to do it allows you to take your
time and energy back and figure out
what's going to work for you Now I've
been using the let them theory for
months and I got to level with you about
something Before the let them theory I
cannot believe how much time and energy
I had been wasting allowing myself to
get so frustrated by stupid things or
how much energy I was burning through
trying to control other people And trust
me you start using it you're going to
see And I can't wait for you to
experience it It's It's truly insane And
I want to tell you the story about how I
discovered this particularly in case
you're brand new to the Mel Robbins
podcast and this is the very first time
that you're hearing about this let them
theory And so I'm going to tell you
quickly the moment that I discovered
this thing and I need you to brace
yourself okay because this is such a
stupid story but I'm going to tell it to
you because it really drives home this
point that you and I waste so much time
and energy trying to make the world
match our expectations and it's going to
stop today And you're doing the same
thing in your relationships and that's
what's causing so many problems in your
relationships And so here's the story So
it was our son Oakley's junior prom and
I was just getting all worked up about
so many dumb things I mean from the
moment we got to the party you know
where you're supposed to take all the
photos before prom all I could think
about was all of the things that I
wanted to be happening that weren't
happening I I I just got myself so
worked up You know how this happens in
life where you just think things should
be going a certain way and then you get
annoyed that things aren't going a
certain way and then you start to try to
control things or you're judgy about
things Well that was me So we walk into
this pre-prom party Holy cow this is
like a tongue twister We walk into this
party right and I'm like why doesn't his
date want a cr why didn't all the
parents dress up for this party why are
the kids driving to the prom and not
taking a bus to the prom why is it
raining out right now why didn't our son
bring an umbrella and get ready for the
really really big thing that got me all
like you know twisted up into a knot why
are these kids going to a taco stand and
not going to a fancy restaurant for
dinner before prom and that's when my
daughter Kendall reached over and ever
so gently grabbed my arm and said
"Mom it's Oakley's prom not
yours If they want to go eat tacos in
the pouring rain before prom let
them." And when she said "Let them," I
don't know what happened It's as if she
clobbered me with a magic wand Let
them let them get soaked Let them eat
tacos And as I said those two words let
them It was wild I felt the frustration
leave my body And here's the other thing
I felt and this is really important I
felt my focus shift It shifted from
controlling my son and from having an
opinion about everything that was going
on around
me and all of a sudden I shifted back to
myself I mean let them eat tacos Who
cares let them get soaked Who cares mel
why not think about what you're going to
have for dinner instead of getting all
worked up about what they are and here's
what's crazy about this Once I learned
these two words let them I started
repeating let them every day in almost
every situation to unhook myself And the
more I used the phrase to just let my
emotions rise and fall in a stressful
situation the more I realized that you
know what the things going on outside of
me they don't have to make their way
inside of me
Okay Mark this uh a key word for me that
just jumped out was the shift and
actually making that shift more
pronounced because I think we can play a
game Mark
I like games I think what we got to do
is we've got to capture the shift that
this represents Like it all it's all
making sense right if they want to eat
tacos in the rain before prom just let
them right it's not your It's not your
problems That is okay So we know what
we're talking about But I think in order
for us to adopt something like this we
need to unpack what is this shift she's
really talking about I'm going to hit
you with five shifts that this might
represent Mhm You tell me which one you
think this represents the most All right
You ready okay Okay Will you let me i
will let you Thank you mate Okay Here we
go Um shift number one from control to
surrender
Two from ego to selfrespect
Mhm From reactivity to calm
response From
overthinking to
peace and lastly from fear to freedom
You know what stands out to
me the reactive to a calm mind Yeah How
quick do in my
experience how quick do I jump from you
know zero to 100 because I'm actively
sorry I'm reactively responding to a
given situation What I think and tell me
if this is standing out for you Mike I
want to hear your point of view is um
she's asking us to be kind of practicing
this way of thinking regularly put into
your daily mantras you know almost think
about it actively rather than reactively
Yes So before somebody upsets you just
think I'm going to let everybody do
their thing today Yeah So yeah I'm with
you on that third one which was from
reactivity to a calm response Uh what I
I have another one as well but what I
did like about the reactivity towards
being calm in your
response it's just the simple act of
just pause before you
respond before you answer And I think
especially I think that there was um
I've told this story before on the show
There was an emperor that was told to
recite the alphabet before making any
decision because he was rather quick to
make bad decisions So his advisor said
just I want you to say the alphabet
before you make your your decision How
cool is that just help them um be less
reactive Right Yeah Yeah That's I think
we do live in a culture of overreaction
And if you think about weirdly I know
this is tangental so you and the
listeners need to forgive me but I think
about when a big sports event has
happened and like I'm a Golden State
Warriors and San Francisco 49ers fan and
what I marvel at is the amount of
reaction videos after a big game Like
there's so many talking heads doing
reaction videos but it gets even worse
man There's reactions on the
reactions So people who will take the
reaction from YouTube by a famous person
and do their own reaction to their
reaction like that's getting a little
meta Yeah Yeah Yeah What the point what
I'm trying to make is I think we're in a
highly instant reactive uh
universe So we might make the mistake of
thinking uh like a quick
overreaction is is normal But um I would
say back again to my energy efficiency
idea don't waste your energy getting all
hot and sweaty about a topic if you
don't have to Right
I think the other thing was the second
one Yeah I I was about to circle back to
the game and pull out ego Yeah To uh to
self-respect
So what was it about that one for you
because I think ego is a word that you
know we talk about a lot on on the show
maybe specifically with regards to
stoicism and so on But I think we often
punish ourselves through the over
reliance as well as the over stimulation
of ego You know for me what ego means is
uh my own personal opinion of
myself And what I found and I you know I
often think about it regularly now when
I'm journaling or talking to my wife and
so on is I'm not that loving or
respectful to myself Instead what I'll
do is I'll criticize to a point where
actually the ego is um so important that
actually making decisions gets in the
way Sorry the ego gets in the way
decisions Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah So
with a little bit more selfrespect and a
little bit more love so to speak Yeah Uh
and forgiveness and so on I think
decision-m would be a lot easier because
the e I'm less worried about the ego I'm
less worried about what people think of
what I think of myself Very interesting
because there was a clip This is going
to be tangental so brace for impact I'll
let you down Thank you
Um we did a show on Jordan Peterson and
I remember distinctly you really
appreciating one of his ideas which is
don't compare yourself to others rather
to who you were yesterday I think that's
a very powerful um again daily mantra
You know I often think of of that
concept You know this idea again I think
it lends itself quite nicely into this
topic with let them Don't compare
yourself to others Uh maybe he's driving
a nicer car or he's got a more
interesting job or whatever it might be
Oh he's on TV Instead stay in your lane
Compare yourself Are you getting better
than you did yesterday are you 1% less
distracted by the success of others
because if you are hey good news That
atomic habit of James Clear is maybe
starting to work And that 1% that you're
better today than you were yesterday is
growth maybe more so than somebody else
has done Yeah So so I'll give you a
practical example of of this I think a
lot of people truly measure themselves
by the amount of social interaction they
get when they share things um socially
either professionally or personally
Um somebody I heard this uh saying
recently Someone was in a meeting and uh
they met someone and they said uh that
um one of their strengths was that their
uh LinkedIn posts get a lot of likes
And what I found very interesting of
that is how little a like on LinkedIn
means But they mentioned that as like a
big personal strength and it shows you a
little bit they're biased in the search
for validation from others right i
always have this feeling well if I've
done the work and people know it that's
only a bonus But the one thing I can
really always count on is the
selfrespect of doing the work and
knowing that I did it Regardless of the
outcome regardless of whether everybody
knows I was responsible for it or not I
did the work And I feel good when I've
wrapped up my day knowing I did the work
I don't need everyone to know about it
Right I think you're totally right Mike
And you know what that I think is where
Mel's kind of coming from You know I
think she is calling out that we
probably do care too much about what
others think of us Yeah And instead by
receding your pressure on yourself to
impress others or uh wish that they were
more considerate you know wish that they
were more generous whatever it might be
instead hey forget about them Just focus
on yourself because actually that's how
you can be happy You don't chase those
likes those Instagram posts those
followers and so on I think you're right
We often and even thanks to you know
video
conferencing you have let's say a really
important meeting and suddenly it ends
and instead of all walking out of a
meeting room and sort of seeing a bit of
a vibe of how people are reacting I
think a lot of people probably feel like
I have done in the past a little bit
paranoid and you think did that go well
were they just saying it I can't read
how people have reacted here totally
totally so there's a little bit of I
suppose digital paranoia that comes from
this postcoid world as well that maybe
let them can can inspire us around as
well Absolutely Uh now just to spice
things up of course the creativity that
oozes from Mark Pearson Freeland is when
we're doing a Mel Robbins show he brings
in clips that are not from Mel Robbins
Yeah Look I do like to keep uh yourself
Mike guessing but also our members and
our listeners And we've teased this
concept of of stoicism a little bit in
the show today And we I think all know
that maybe the um work of Mel Robbins is
leaning towards that way of thinking So
let's hear a little bit now from Ryan
Holiday another absolute hero within the
Moonshots archive and library Talk to us
a little bit about I think this concept
that Mel's really speaking to us and
that is let it be
I don't know who needs to hear this but
Marcus Aurelius's reminder is a
life-changing one He says "You don't
need to have an opinion about this." He
says "You always have the power of
having no opinion." If it's pointless
gossip if it's trivia if it's something
that doesn't concern you if it's
something you have zero control or
influence over just let it be Don't have
an opinion You don't have to say it's
positive or negative Epictita says you
know it's not things that upset us It's
our opinions about those things It's our
judgment about those things So we have
the power to not think about it to tune
it out to focus on what really matters
to try to put our energy and our
intention on where we can make a
difference on where we do have control
And if other people want to be concerned
with them if other people want to be
riled up or have opinions about them if
it's their job to do it leave it to them
Meanwhile you let it float on by like
the clouds and you stick with what's up
to you
Well you know that is the
deeper profound philosophical layer
under the let them theory is this idea
of letting it go And I think that
becomes even easier when we've done our
very best
So if you've woken up in the morning if
you've made your
bed if
you've got your head
straight worked hard done some generous
things kind things been grateful along
the way taken a breath appreciated the
day
you finish up and you've done your very
best then whatever the outcome of that
day's work that day's efforts and toil
just let it be Like you can do no more
And I think this is truly what you see
with the let them theory from Mel and
the greatest stoic and philosophic
practices often when we struggle to let
them or when we struggle oursel to let
it be it's because we haven't put in the
effort or the best of intentions So I
believe that regardless of the storm
around you if you did your best and that
was very much what Churchill did during
the Second World War every day he did
his best to make a difference and fight
for what he thought was right
And you know there was a war but he
could go to bed knowing he'd done his
best and gradually he chipped away and
was pivotal and such a great outcome
Similarly we can do that every single
day ourselves And that's the special
gift here What we see is this ancient
philosophy of you don't have to have an
opinion You don't have to judge You
don't have to be attached to anything
That is all your choice And actually it
is our attachment and our ego latching
on to things for way too long Reliving
past
grievances Oh back in 13 years ago that
boss did this thing to me and I still
haven't forgiven him Oh jeez you are
spending a lot of energy on 13 years ago
You know what I mean yeah I I like that
insight a lot Mike I think you're you're
spot on there I think this um ownership
I guess is something that we we can lean
on when we feel a little bit uh down in
the dumps You know a bit like the David
Gogggins cookie jar Uh I think where
selfrespect can flourish is when you do
give yourself the permission to you know
just try your hardest and know that
that's enough And if things are out of
your control remember that they're out
of your control and don't be put off by
the weather or the boss 13 years ago who
offended you You know I think for me how
I try and remember to do that to think
like that
is well how do you do it Mike
so
um I think it's having a deep awareness
of the ego and the monkey mind right in
the power of now by ekat we talked a lot
about how our ego runs rampant as does a
monkey mind continuously thinking things
and in fact I think it was maybe even
someone like Michael Salinger
who who talks about like this crime that
we all commit on ourselves right and he
gave this example Let's say you walk
past an alley and there's all this
rotten food right and you smell it and
it's terrible So much so you almost can
feel the bile in your stomach You're
like "Oh I feel terrible Quick." And you
run away Right now here's the
interesting thing
When you think about that physical
response to rotten food and and how it
makes you feel like actually vomiting we
never want to actually think back to
that because what happens you kind of
feel that unease in your stomach again
right you relive it sensorally Mhm Mhm
Okay Here's the big thing in letting
things be If you don't let them
be you go back to a moment and relive
the hurt the pain the suffering and
disappointment And here's the crazy
thing We go back time and time again for
no improvement on the now You go back
into the past to go back and smell that
rotten food And all right And so this is
when people have and I'm I'm not saying
that you know it's not a legitimate
thing to have trauma I've had it We've
all had it right but we do have the
choice of am I going to go back to that
alley once a day or once a week and
relive that smell and like dash to the
to the restroom
You don't really want to do that But
that is a choice you know And so I find
like practices like writing a letter to
someone
You don't actually have to give it to
them but writing that letter like here's
what happened I felt bad terrible hurt
from that and saying this topic is done
for me
Drawing a line underneath it It's done
Yeah I'm not I I have no need to go back
So so putting ceremony to and
ritualization to saying it's over It's
done I'm going to let this be I think
this is a really powerful way to let
things be to address them to address
that person to write them a letter to
analyze that situation and say "What can
I get out of it?" And make your peace
with that
I like that ritualization idea a lot I
think if we are able to celebrate the
things that go really well for us in
life causes for you know opening a
bottle of champagne whatever I think
you're right why don't you acknowledge
the times when you have managed to move
on from something that's pretty painful
you know at the time an email bomb
that's concerning your heart rate spikes
you're sweating you know you might think
about it later that night maybe you'll
think about it next week or even longer
in the future but by ritualizing the
sort of untethering yourself from it you
know not scratching that wound so it
scars over but instead confronting it
dead on thinking about it But I like
your idea Writing the letter to an
individual or you know saying it out
loud into your dictaphone whatever it is
that sort of helps you purge and move on
I think is a productive way of being
able to learn from you know that
discomfort And truly like in this
practice I think writing to it speaking
to it to the point where you can say
there's no more left in this experience
for me to reflect on like I've analyzed
it I've addressed it and now I'm just
going to let it go It's done It's
complete And truly ritualizing this is
done Like I I I have had times in my
life where I go this is done period in
my journal Next line And sometimes I'll
do it for 10 lines This is done I'm just
saying to I'm ritualizing to myself I'm
done with this thing because I notice
myself going back to it and I don't want
it You know what I have noticed you're
totally right I will utilize journaling
as the way to put a pin or close a door
on something for me as well I'll think
about it I think about it I think about
it I must journal here I must journal
there Eventually when I go and write it
down that is the ritual to close that
book and think okay well I've journaled
about it now that has purged it from my
brain I can move on I notic that when I
don't journal then it starts building up
a little bit more and more and more like
the pressure sort of needs to be
released Yep So um what's quite
interesting and what you can see this
journey that we're going on here is
there's definitely kind of a shift in
how we want to respond to the world and
that's within our power and if things
don't work out let it be And in the case
where you may rightfully or not
say somebody did wrong by me or somebody
was not fair kind and considerate
towards me
One of the things that we've we've
touched upon is that the great
temptation to
judge maybe to get
angry but there is a part of this shift
There is a choice Um and that's seeing
others in a different light So I think
what's very exciting Mark is this last
clip you've got sets us on a very
optimistic path that helps us get very
far away from judgment of others Look
we've Yeah like you said Mike we've made
the pitch and the case about the concept
of letting it be as well as letting go
So let's hear from Mel one more time
today in our show 275 on let them and uh
help us understand yeah like you say end
on a bit of a high but also help us
understand a little bit more about our
work with others and how we can be
selfless and we should do a job of
helping um and recognizing the work that
others put into it So let's hear from
Mel Robbins one more time Today's show
all about let them It's the hardest way
is when you recognize the potential in
somebody and you see them struggling And
when you recognize that somebody that
you love deeply is in pain when you're
saying let them you're not abandoning
somebody You're actually recognizing
their
ability to meet these difficult moments
in their life with you by their side
And I think when I think about
supporting versus enabling because the
more you kind of step in and rescue
people from their feelings or from the
consequences of their decisions or their
inaction the more people continue to
drown and their problems I really
believe that I do too I really believe
that And it's a very very difficult
balance because you're going to hit your
frustration and rock bottom and worry
with somebody before they do And
somebody said something in the addiction
community I can't remember who said this
but it just is so true that somebody
only gets sober when getting drunk is
harder than facing the thing that they
don't want to face Mhm And the same is
true with anything like really
motivating yourself to get in better
shape
Recognizing that you have a pattern of
dating people that are emotionally
abusive and taking a break and really
digging deep into the issue that keeps
coming up for you That's really hard
That's why we avoid it Yeah And so when
you see somebody that you know is
capable or who deserves better wanting
that for them is a form of loving them I
like you should want the people in your
life that you care about to be doing
better and you I hate seeing somebody
with so much potential squandering it
Mhm But again I'm going to come back to
something that I learned from Dr Stewart
Avlon at Mass General
Hospital People do well when they can
And I want you to start to assume that
if somebody in your life is not doing
well or if they're going through a
challenge there is a skill that's
missing or there is emotion that needs
to be processed or there is pain that
needs to be felt before they can
galvanize the ability to do the very
difficult work to change
Personal change Oh I'm just trying to
control myself and not going on too many
tangents And
uh so um okay Okay Uh let's let's do
simple stuff first I think a golden rule
here is always search for the goodness
inside of others right
And something we touched on earlier is
sometimes that is harder with some
people right m um and if they
are like everybody's got a unique talent
everybody's got some sort of inner
genius And when we look at some
people few people ever really get in
touch with what they're really truly
born to do
Most of us are spent kind of in the dark
shades of the side of the road scrapping
around looking for the path right maybe
we come across it
occasionally or fleetingly but I think
like if you think about if you have this
fundamental belief in humans and
humanity and in people then when
someone's not on track all you have to
do is ask yourself well what might their
track be and how could you and this is a
very important definition not enable
them but how could you support them
climbing out themselves right don't give
a man a fish teach him how to fish right
and I think this
is a very long way away from the anger
and frustration when that same person is
not delivering maybe upsetting you
making you angry there is a flip
Just recognize there a human who has yet
to find their path doesn't have the
skills or the capabilities to totally
unlock There's probably a
blocker that they need to themselves
unpack and move through Right obstacle
is the way And um if you can help them
focus on the obstacle and overcome it
that's a great gift to give them And you
can only get there if you recognize
their abilities recognize their
potentials But going back to what we
talked about earlier it is the ego that
will prevent you from seeing that
because you'll be too busy being pissed
off frustrated angry at them as opposed
to I could share something with them
that might help them Yeah Find their uh
their ability I mean I think that desire
to intervene at least in some of the
cases in my life it comes from my own
fear of something happening you know oh
uh if I don't do it it's not going to be
right Or oh no I can't let so and so do
it because I'm going to be judged for
not teaching them well enough or
managing them well enough or you know oh
you know what I'm worried about them
failing and I don't want them to have a
a crisis so I better do it instead You
know that fear of delegating or enabling
somebody to learn from discomfort to
learn from failure to learn from
judgment and so on Yeah like you say it
comes from learning how to fish
We've got to be able to let them go out
and do it But at the same time as you
said like with ego let ourselves kind of
get over our own insecurity of letting
them go And you know maybe they're on
just a different timeline to you and I
right they're not it's not going to
happen in a day in a week or maybe even
in a year And you just have to respect
that And which is why what what it
brings to me is like this classic thing
in a higher fire situation in a company
I think it's fundamentally not about
they're bad we're good I think it's
about there is not a fit right
And that's the stepping point to saying
okay like if you take that situation in
a workplace where someone's really not
working out and floundering despite the
support maybe it's time for a new
challenge but in doing that you support
them to figure out what their talent is
and how they might unlock it maybe a
couple of key things they could do to
improve the chances of living their best
life Like that's a much different way to
do it So um there's just so much um work
to do noise inside our own monkey minds
to get to the point where like
hey seems like you're struggling What I
want you to know is I think you have
great potential to do this you should
maybe consider tackling this skill or
this behavior in order to help you bring
your skill to the world Right Yeah
Exactly Communicate it in a way that
maybe appeals to your own sense of um
handling how you're going to delegate
hand it over whatever but at the same
time do it in a peaceful supportive way
without judgment Without judgment
Because at the end of the day Mike I
would have prefer to be in that position
if I was the receiver It's a great
opportunity to learn somebody with
experience coming to you with a little
bit of advice Hey what an amazing
opportunity Yeah How rare is it that you
actually have a meeting where someone
says when I think about what you could
be the best in the world at I think it's
this We rarely if ever hear this So if
you can say that and say look in order
to live that more fully you do need to
tackle your emails your communication
your timelines your expectation man
whatever it is right um what a what a
what a gift in seeing the possibilities
in someone
Amazing It's been a roller coaster ride
Mike You know we saw a little bit of
stoicism We felt that ability to let go
and handle things for letting others
handle things rather than
ourselves Let me be the question master
this week Mike what's your homework
going to be with regards to these four
clips that we've heard of
today i think the letting it be is my
homework
like
truly finding that detachment I mean I
have a little bit of advantage This is
actually an air of improvement for me So
I've actually kind of been stumbling
through this myself So yeah I I'm I'm
definitely thinking true detachment Like
it is what it is you know don't don't
let your ego get in the way Just you
know do your best every day and then let
it be
I like that a lot I like that a lot Now
I'm going to break with tradition and
not choose the same one Um I know for
the last few weeks you've chosen all
four clips
Well I'm number three today So I'm You
got number three So that that's uh I'm
going to we'll we'll let you do that So
that's fine I um was also going to
choose three actually So instead I'm
going to choose number four This idea of
celebrating recognizing the ability of
others and giving people space Oh that's
something I I've never been particularly
good at myself Um delegating was always
an area for me to work on And I think
this is a a timely reminder to uh see
opportunities to let others take over in
more than just work spaces Yes it could
be anything Yes Gosh big big homework
activity Almost like an activity for a
lifetime of homework Oh my gosh Thanks
Mel
Mark I want to say thank you to you for
pulling together this show And I want to
say thank you to you our listeners our
viewers and our members too Here for
show 275 where we once again return to
the work of Mel Robbins and her brand
new book it's a smash hit Let Them And
it starts in fact with the theory of Let
Them and then moves into this shifting
of your focus And this is a massive
shift And if you make it well there's so
much goodness for you and others But the
key is avoid the ego Let it be And when
it's really critical recognize the
ability of others and you will find a
way to shine as will all the people
around you You'll be living your best
life And that's what we're all about
here on the Moonshots podcast That's a
wrap