The Relationship Lift - Entitlement and Discontentment to Gratitude (Brick 5)

We will get more of what we focus on in life. Are you focused on what you're discontent about in your marriage or are you focused on the things you are grateful for?

Today’s conversation is part of the Bricks and Hammer series where we talk about building our relationships with the bricks that will lead to a strong and lasting relationship and putting down those hammers that cause destruction. Today we focus on building with gratitude and learning how to be content. 

 

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Encouraging and uplifting conversations to help strengthen your family relationships.

Wynand: 00:10

We will get more of what we focus on in life. Are you focused on what you're discontent about in your marriage? Or are you focused on the things you are grateful for? You're listening to the relationship lift, a short conversation brought to you by family life New Zealand to help you grow together as a couple. Join us for a topical discussion designed to keep you encouraged and equipped on the growth journey.

Wynand: 00:37

We know that great marriages don't just happen. So let's journey together as we pursue oneness so that you too can make a great marriage your reality. Today's conversation is part of the bricks and hammer series, where we talk about building our relationships with the bricks that will lead to a strong and lasting relationship, and putting down those hammers that cause destruction. Today, we focus on building with gratitude and learning how to be content. Enjoy the discussion.

Andrew: 01:12

And hey, there's a bit of it about actually. It's that mid winter meh, that winter of our discontent where there's a little bit of a lurgy hanging around. I don't know. It's just over halfway through the school holidays, and it's raining outside, and it's it's easy to feel a little bit discontented. But but here to put things in perspective, to put a smile on our face and help us build stronger and healthier marriages, Vayan Jacobs from Family Life.

Andrew: 01:36

Wynand Kia Ora, good morning.

Wynand: 01:37

Kia ora. Good morning, Andrew. How are you?

Andrew: 01:40

Very very good. I've improved since we we were initially chatting, actually, because this this happened off air. You you started with the, you know, the appropriate Kiwi greeting. So how are you doing? And instead of going, yeah.

Andrew: 01:55

I'm great. Thanks. I went, yeah. I'm okay, which is possibly too honest. It wasn't what you're expecting, was it?

Wynand: 02:02

Well, I think, you know, the the the follow-up question to that was, oh, so so what's happening for it to to just be okay?

Andrew: 02:09

Yeah.

Wynand: 02:09

And and and isn't that where we find ourselves often? Right? We we can we can get stuck with the the the the reasons why we're just okay and not great. Of course.

Andrew: 02:20

Although, honest honestly, I was okay with okay. You know? Exactly. And some days, I'm okay with not really okay, but, yeah, doing doing alright. And it is, well, here's a conversation that I've got in trouble for a few times, and it's a phrase which I push back against and should probably just bite my tongue.

Andrew: 02:40

When people say, you know what? I'm not a 100%. Apart from Jesus, I'm not sure anybody's ever been a 100%. And

Wynand: 02:49

and That's right.

Andrew: 02:49

I'd I'd set off a 35% on a good day. I mean, seas get degrees, Vaynerd. I mean, any day above ground. Right? Am I set?

Wynand: 02:57

Well, you know you know, if I had a battery charged at 35%, and I put it in my son's remote control car

Andrew: 03:04

Yeah.

Wynand: 03:04

That car will keep going, and, it will give my son a 100% joy to drive around his remote control car even though it's running on a 35% battery.

Andrew: 03:14

Yeah. Exactly. And and, hey, maybe I don't know. Maybe we aspire too much. Maybe unless everything is absolutely perfect, unless everything is 100%, unless our spouse meets our every need, that sense of, yeah, well, I deserve it, and everything should be perfect.

Andrew: 03:33

And if it's not perfect, I'm gonna be grumpy and miserable and make everybody else's life miserable. You can see where that goes. Right?

Wynand: 03:40

Yeah. Well, that's the conversation we wanna get into today. We're in the bricks and hammers analogy, and the the brick we're talking about today remember, bricks are those things that destroy our relationship.

Andrew: 03:52

Hammers destroy. Yeah.

Wynand: 03:53

Oh, thank you. Thank you for helping me out there. The hammers destroy our relationship. Yeah. You can see the hammer that I was holding out.

Wynand: 03:59

Right?

Andrew: 04:00

That's why I was confused. Yeah.

Wynand: 04:01

Yeah. Yeah. And then the brick is the right one. That's the brick. Yeah.

Wynand: 04:05

The bricks are the things we wanna build into our relationship. Yeah. And so today, we're talking about the hammer of discontentment Mhmm. Or entitlement.

Andrew: 04:13

Mhmm.

Wynand: 04:14

Remember, these these are the things that break down what we're trying to build. Yeah. And the brick of gratitude. Okay?

Andrew: 04:21

Okay.

Wynand: 04:22

Now we've spoken heaps on gratitude. You know? So so we're gonna land our conversation there today, and there's lots of other conversations for for our listeners to listen into. But I wanna spend a bit of time on this this hammer that we probably too often employ in our relationships. Yeah.

Wynand: 04:37

Right? Discontainment and entitlement. Now probably nobody's gonna say, I'm I'm I'm not entitled, you know, because that's usually how we think when we're entitled. It it just it just happens. So So let's read the definition, of entitlement.

Wynand: 04:53

Right? A situation in which you have the right to do or have something. Okay? So there's that rights thing. You have the right to do or have something.

Wynand: 05:02

You're entitled. What about discontentment?

Andrew: 05:05

Mhmm.

Wynand: 05:06

This is a feeling of not being satisfied. Wow. So tying that back, it's maybe the the right to be satisfied. Okay? So it's a feeling of not being satisfied with your situation or the way you are being treated.

Wynand: 05:21

Okay? So there's an expectation. I need to be treated a certain way. This thing needs to run a certain way. I need to be I need to get get get.

Wynand: 05:30

Right? Yeah. That's that's that's that's why we have the lens of entitlement or discontentment.

Andrew: 05:37

Mhmm.

Wynand: 05:37

It's our expectations. I'm not saying lower your expectations. I'm saying align your expectations with what the Bible actually teaches us is true about marriage.

Andrew: 05:48

Mhmm.

Wynand: 05:48

Okay. I'll get to that in a minute. But let me let me go back to the story. You know, when I started, when I learned started to learn how to drive a car Yep. I actually find it found it quite difficult to judge how far the car was from the sidewalk.

Wynand: 06:03

And, you know, you need to keep it on the side of the road, like in on the left side of the road where I learned how to drive, and, not go too far in the middle, but also not go too close to the to the sidewalk. Yeah. You know, I really struggled with this because I would keep looking at the sidewalk, and the more I looked at the sidewalk, well, guess where the car was going.

Andrew: 06:23

Yeah. Exactly. Scraping against the curb.

Wynand: 06:27

And so how did I learn to actually keep the car on the road? I started looking.

Andrew: 06:33

To the middle?

Wynand: 06:34

Can you guess?

Andrew: 06:34

Is it to the middle?

Wynand: 06:35

To the middle.

Andrew: 06:35

To the middle. Okay. Cool.

Wynand: 06:37

And and this is the principle of life. We will move in the direction we are looking at.

Andrew: 06:42

Okay.

Wynand: 06:42

Or said a different way, we will move towards and get more of what we focus on. Mhmm. Wow. So guess what you're gonna get more of if you focus on everything that you're not getting in the relationship?

Andrew: 06:58

Yeah. More of

Wynand: 06:59

what you're not getting Exactly. Or more of what you what you don't want. Yeah.

Andrew: 07:03

Yeah. Okay? I can see how this is going. Yeah. Exactly.

Wynand: 07:05

So so so focus really matters. Mhmm. And and guess guess what it breeds? It breeds more of what I'm focused on. Yes.

Wynand: 07:13

This discontentment, this entitlement of what I'm not getting. Yeah. Okay. So let's let's look at what what the Bible says about this. So in Philippians 4, Paul actually writes this sentence, and it's always baffled me.

Wynand: 07:26

It says, I have learned to be content in all things.

Andrew: 07:30

Mhmm.

Wynand: 07:31

And he talks about him being in prison, and he talks about him having enough for the journey. He talks about both having and both not having. Mhmm. But then this phrase, I have learned to be content. Yep.

Wynand: 07:42

Meaning, contentment isn't a natural thing. You know, if we're being discontent, we're dissatisfied with the situation. If we're content, we're satisfied with the situation. And and and the the principle of growing in our walk with Jesus as a disciple is highlighted here by Paul when he says, I have learned to be content in all situations.

Andrew: 08:04

Yeah. I mean, it's

Wynand: 08:06

Right. So the

Andrew: 08:06

I I don't wanna use, you know, human nature as an excuse or our society and culture, but it is countercultural, isn't it? It's it's countercultural to go to not always want more, to have this aspirational goal that if we're 80%, well, gosh, we're dissatisfied. We're focused more on what we don't have than what we do have. Our society pushes us to be bigger, better, faster, stronger, but that doesn't mean we have to go along for the ride.

Wynand: 08:34

Well, that's it. That's what that's what it sells. It sells this idea that unless you have this, that, and the other, you're not enough. You're not. So this is what you need to strive for.

Andrew: 08:45

Mhmm.

Wynand: 08:45

And I don't have anything against striving for for bigger and better. That that that is fine within context. Yeah. But our call for discipleship and our call for marriage, if we remember that marriage is actually to be a reflection of Christ and his bride Mhmm. Is one of learning to be content.

Wynand: 09:01

Yeah. And let's take it a little step further because learning to be content is hard enough as it is. Like, being content in a in a difficult situation is is something that I need to practice. I need to retrain my brain from baby mentality. We took we spoke about the selfishness and service.

Wynand: 09:19

1, we need to retrain our mind from baby mentality. I want, I need, I'm entitled to to adult mentality, where I have a different view. Right? And and and so Paul actually takes it a step further when he writes to the Thessalonians. In 1 Thessalonians 5, he says, rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and give thanks in all circumstances.

Wynand: 09:43

Yeah. For this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Okay? So let's go even beyond contentment, but actually say, how do we rejoice and give thanks? Now there's the gratitude part in there.

Wynand: 09:59

Yeah. So not only are we required in our walk to rejoice when we don't get things our way, we're actually called to give thanks in all things. Not necessarily for all things, but in all things.

Andrew: 10:11

Yeah.

Wynand: 10:11

So I wanna suggest to our listeners today that instead of focusing on the things that we don't have, but we really need to have and and look, you might have a a strong case for what you're you're contending for. Yeah. That's fine. But I'm contending for a higher way today, actually, and let's build with the brick that is gratitude. Mhmm.

Wynand: 10:30

Because some of the most the top performers in this world will will talk to you about how they prime the pump, you know, how they get their brains ready for a good day by starting with the things they are grateful for. Yep. So real practically, how about we start with 3 things we are grateful for

Andrew: 10:45

for

Wynand: 10:45

our spouse every single day?

Andrew: 10:47

Mhmm. That's that sounds like a fantastic idea. And it is that, I mean, another phrase we talked about, they're not a 100%. That actually less than ideal, that's just normal. That's that's another way of saying, hey.

Andrew: 11:03

Things aren't absolutely perfect. We should be grateful for the blessings that god has given us. Grateful for, for the person that our spouse is. I think this is the scripture about, rejoicing in the bride of your youth, rather than looking looking to either improve your spouse or, looking at other people and comparing them favorably to your spouse. That's a that's a dangerous place to live.

Wynand: 11:31

Yeah. Yeah. Right. And, look, guess what joy begets? More joy.

Wynand: 11:37

Yeah. Gratitude begets more gratitude and more joy, and more of the things that you really wanna get into your marriage. Yeah. But the thing is, you'll have to start by sowing that seed. Don't wait until you have everything that that you find that, is categorized your definition of being happy or being grateful.

Wynand: 11:58

Marriage is not about your happiness. It's actually about your holiness. Right? So take this opportunity to become holy, just like our, our savior, Jesus is holy, and say, hey. I am gonna pump gratitude into my marriage, not because my spouse deserves it, but because this is what I'm called to.

Wynand: 12:19

And see the results and see the change it has on your marriage. Put down the hammer. You're not entitled to anything.

Andrew: 12:27

Exactly.

Wynand: 12:28

And take take up the brick. Let's breathe some gratitude into our marriage, into our relationships.

Andrew: 12:33

I love that picture of how you you grow what you focus on as well, that that if you wanna be grateful for more things, be gratitude be grateful for the things that you do have. Wonderful, Practical Wisdom as always. Loving these the series on bricks and hammers. And you can find out more at familylife.nz. Vayner, thank you for the work you do.

Andrew: 12:53

Thanks for joining us.

Wynand: 12:54

Thanks for having me. Thanks for listening. I'm Veynard Jacobs from the Family Life New Zealand team, and this has been another oneness resource to help you grow together in your marriage. Check us out online at familylife.nz for more information on events, training, and other amazing resources. Let's fight the drift, move towards each other in oneness, and impact our corner of the world together.

Wynand: 13:22

See you next time.