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Faith and masculinity meet kingdom living to help Christian husbands rebuild their confidence and masculine strength, so they can enjoy attraction-filled and passionate marriages.
You want to live a life on fire and on mission.
You want to be filled with such conviction and drive that you stop caring about what ANYone thinks.
You want to face each day alive, authentic, and fully present in every moment: with your wife, kids, on the street, at the gym, at work.
You want to bring yourSELF to the table, and to stop bringing the watered-down, nice, what everyone wants version of you.
You want that self to be a man who is burning in passion for Jesus, unafraid to bring his kingdom to anyone in your path, no matter the cost.
You want to love the one in front of you without fear, without needing love back, and without reserve.
You want to experience God for real, to not just believe, but to KNOW that he’s got you and that he’ll show up on your behalf. That he’ll show up THROUGH you.
You want to get to the end of your race and say, “Yep…I gave it everything. Jesus, you know I’m all in.”
...And you want to know just how to get there.
Welcome to Man Warrior King. Congratulations. You are among the violent taking the kingdom by force. You are among the chosen, answering the call to rise above your self. You are in the forge being stripped down and strengthened—and you WILL rise stronger, solid, unshakeable.
You are a man. You are a warrior. You are a king.
Matt (00:00)
You were told to serve her more.
to sacrifice harder.
Be the good Christian godly husband that you're supposed to be.
But here's the problem. If your marriage is anything like mine was, you've realized that now she's colder than she ever was before. She's more distant. She has less desire for you than she had at the beginning. All the effort to serve and sacrifice hasn't been resulting in the fairy tale ending, the magical fireworks between you and her that you are hoping it would result in.
And you're, frustrated and you're discouraged because you're doing things what you thought was God's way. And so where's he at? Why isn't he backing you up? Why isn't he providing the results that you expected?
Either you just suck and he doesn't care about you, so he's not going to meet you in your effort, or he's not faithful to bless and honor his children and those who are loyal and faithful to him.
But what if there's another option? What if the church has been teaching you a version of masculinity that God never designed for you? And so you're trying to position yourself to receive blessing and favor from him. You're trying to position yourself to see breakthrough in your marriage, to see miraculous transformation in your wife and how she feels towards you. But you are using the completely wrong methodology.
In today's episode, we're going to talk about the nice guy lie that our church culture doesn't teach us about and how you can get rid of this thing once and for all.
Good afternoon and welcome to another episode of the Man Warrior King podcast. I'm your host, Matt Hallock. I'm the author of the DNA of a Man and I'm the founder of the Man Warrior King movement and I'm the creator of the Masculine Husband Transformation Program, where I take men from frustrated and pent up, disappointed,
in the outcomes of their life, the way their, their sex life has, has died off the way their wife doesn't look at them with desire anymore, but she looks at them with criticism. I take men from that place into a place of confidence, into a place of knowing their identity, knowing their worth, knowing who they are going, attacking life.
with fierce grit and determination and awakening their wife's desire again, intriguing her, capturing her interest. I'd love for you to be a part of it. But for today, what we're talking about is this nice guy lie that church never told you about. So if you, if you do a search online for biblical masculinity or biblical men,
You'll find a ton of information out there. And there's a good deal of good information. And a lot of it, I'm not about to say that it's all wrong.
And in fact, it's so good and what you will find is so biblical that you can hardly fault it. And it's very hard to find anything truly wrong with what's said.
And that's why this idea of the nice guy lie is so insidious and deceptive because you can hardly even find it. And I don't even believe, I don't believe that you're, that the teachers, the authors, the pastors, everybody's trying to do a bad thing here. Nonetheless, we have high divorce rates in the church. We have of those who are not divorced, we have,
a very large portion of marriages, Christian marriages where sex is, ⁓ minimal or, unexciting. Maybe the most common is where the wife is not all that into it. And she's gotten into a routine where she just feels the obligation to do it because she knows that her husband needs it. So we have a marriage situation that's not exactly
full of passion and fire. And if marriage is supposed to be a picture of Jesus and his church, and here we are telling people that, you know, the physical attraction just fades over time and that, that, ⁓ the passion eventually gives way to just friendship and companionship. I don't know that that's presenting the best.
⁓ image or example of what the marriage between Jesus and the churches to be. that, is his plan for that excitement to fade over the course of eternity? That eventually we're just going to become, yeah, there's Jesus over there. That's cool. And he's going to be like, yeah, there's my, there's my bride, the old ball and chain. Are we going to start nagging him and criticizing him?
Is he going to feel but hurt and wounded because we don't desire him anymore?
Or is there a problem with what's happening in marriage today? I would argue the second there's a problem. There's a big problem. And unfortunately,
so much of our marriage advice that comes to us men is good sounding and even good in some ways. So it's not like we hear bad advice and we're like, Oh, I'm never doing that. We hear bad advice. We're like, Yeah, I definitely should do that because I want to be a good godly husband because I want to be a good Christian man. I want to love my wife the way that Christ loved the church.
And yet for too many of us, when we step into trying to husband in that way, we find that we actually push our wife further away.
We find that she is losing interest from day to day.
And you might even, you know, maybe, maybe you stumble upon her on the phone, having a conversation with a friend or something and just sharing her heart and frustration of like, I just like, I love him, but the fire's not there. And I, and a lot of times wives feel actually pretty guilty about that. I don't mind it. She felt really guilty.
Because she did love me, but she could almost not even stand being around me and she hated that fact.
And you might think, well, that's her problem. What a jerk. mean, you were trying to love her well and be a good Christian man. That's her heart issue. And I will say this. You can settle there if you want and then keep getting the same results in your own marriage, or you can ask a question and search for an answer and maybe get a different result. And the question is this, is she just broken?
Or am I operating under a broken Christian husband system?
So what is this broken system? Well, it can, it can, it's comprised of
many different pieces of Christian husband advice that
lead us into this place where we are constantly sacrificing.
to build up our wife, to make her happy, to try to make her feel loved. And we are in the process losing our individuality.
In fact, so let's, let's take a few of these top pieces of advice. One, you just need to love her the way that Jesus loves the church. Okay. So when a Christian man hears that he typically will think to himself, okay, so Jesus ⁓ gave up everything and he came to earth for us, right? And then he gave up even more. He gave it all. He died a brutal,
horrific death sacrificed himself for our good, even though we didn't even love him at the time. And so we think, okay, so, ⁓ this is my problem. I haven't been selfless enough. And so I need to learn how to love her more selflessly and give up even more. Even when she's not loving me in return. And maybe then I'll draw her to me.
Another piece of advice would be to lay down your life, which is pretty much just a different angle on the first one. Okay. Another piece of advice would be more thoughtful, to be more thoughtful, to be more, to serve more. Oh yeah. So yeah, I'm going to sacrifice and I'm going to lay down my life for her. I'm going to give up so much for her. Now here's, I'm going to another layer to that. I'm going to serve her the way that Jesus.
And I'm going to...
end up, this is what it looks like in reality, I'm going to end up using most of my time, my waking hours, when I'm not working and stuff, thinking about how I can serve her next.
And here's what happened for me. I began to serve her in such a way that I lost her respect.
because my serving and my sacrificing came from a place of low self worth. Those things came from a place of weakness rather than strength.
And this nice guy thing, it applies even beyond marriage.
If you find that you are.
Afraid to what?
You're afraid to have a desire and then to pursue it. That's absolutely nice guy energy, right?
If you find that
You say yes to people when you really want to say no. And you almost never say no. It's nice guy energy.
See, here's the problem. All the Christian advice for husbands.
pretty good. can't argue that we're not supposed to love our wives like Jesus did. The Bible says it. You can't argue that we're not supposed to serve. The Bible tells us to. Other elements of biblical masculinity is to be a protector, to be a provider, to be a man of integrity.
these are good.
But if I had to boil everything down.
in such a way where I could give you just a few things that would move you out of nice guy energy and into confident kingdom man warrior energy.
It would be these. First.
resurrect your desire.
See all those advices.
They are being given in an atmosphere that has permeated the church.
of your desire is bad. So if you are not allowed to desire, then you disappear as a man.
Your desire is intricate or sorry, intimately involved. It's entangled with your identity. I don't believe that you can extract your desire from your person and still live from a place of identity.
Does your desires are unique to you and they are integral to who you are.
And I know that what I'm saying doesn't get taught much in church. What you get taught is it's not about you anymore.
lay down your desires. But if we're to love our wives the way that Jesus loved the church, okay, he is our example of a husband, then how can we lay down our desires? And how can you justify it when scripture tells us that he, for the joy set before him, endured the cross?
What does that mean for the joy set before him? Because you can't, you can't tell me you can't do mental gymnastics and convince me that he had no desire at play there. No, he saw something in the future that he wanted and it brought him joy to think about when he would get to that place. When those things that he was wanting would come to pass, namely,
that he would be united with his bride, that he would be united with us, his church. It brought him joy. It brought him joy, the thought of seeing us pure and spotless.
And so he didn't just endure the cross getting rid of all desire. He endured the cross because it got him what he wanted.
There's no way around that. It got him what he wanted. So he didn't lay down his desires.
He laid down comfort.
He laid down ease.
but not his desires.
He laid down the need to do things the easy way.
because this was the path to get what he wanted.
See, this lack of desire in our theology has made us doormats. It has made us become shadows of a man. And worse, for a married man, it's made us become shadows of our wife.
You've got to live from desire.
if you're going to be effective in this life.
Because when you live from desire, then you have this fire and this drive to also live according to duty and principle.
Your desire does not negate living by the principles that God has laid forth for you. Your desire fires it, it fuels it.
So what is it that you want in your marriage? See, when, when a husband lets go of his desires in his marriage, here's what happens. The wife begins to be the dominant ⁓ presence. She begins to be the leader because when you don't have any desires that are driving you a direction, you don't have any desires that are causing you to establish guidelines for the family, for your life.
you don't have desires that are giving you motivation and fuel, then you're leaving a vacuum and women are wired.
to fill that vacuum. They are fierce and powerful creatures. They will fill the vacuum that you leave if you slay your own desires. And their desires will be ⁓ the dominant forces. And here's the problem with that. A woman who is filling the vacuum that her man has left, her desires are not what you would want them to be. Because most men want their wife to desire passionate sex.
Most men want to feel wanted by their wives, but when you have let your desires fade, you are no longer the most attractive version of yourself to your woman. And so when her desires come to the forefront and they begin to drive the ship, they also are morphing into desires that you don't
actually want her to have because these desires become more like, desire to lead us. desire to, ⁓ that, that he do things exactly this way. They begin to come out as criticism. They begin to come out as contempt for you. They begin to, ⁓ well, they begin some for some to come out as I don't want sex anymore. I just,
want you to be happy without it.
None of us want that.
See, it's not right that a man should have no desires, but then his wife has all her own. Not at all.
So.
when you don't have desires, you constantly cave in conversation to hers. And if you, you know, see, I say when you don't have desires and that's kind of a misspeak because you are trying to not have desires, but in reality you can't get rid of them. You just can't. It's not possible. And it's not meant to be possible. God never wanted you to get rid of your desires.
So you try to like, I've had plenty of men that I've worked with that have like tried to convince themselves they just don't need sex anymore. They don't want it.
And yet that never works. Often they try to suppress that and then it comes out in other sinful ways or it comes out in arguments. It comes out in bitterness. comes out in pouting. It comes out in withdrawing. The desire is still there.
But when a man doesn't own his desires and he doesn't believe in the rightness of his desires, then when there is a bit of a conflict, he will always cave to his wife. He'll always doubt himself. He'll always doubt that, maybe I shouldn't have advocated for this.
And then he loses even more respect and it's subconscious for her, but it's true. She, she, she will respect him less when he caves and doesn't advocate for what are good and right desires.
⁓ Okay, resurrecting your desires is one thing that's needed to break out of the night skyline. Second thing that's needed.
is to get in touch with your worth and your identity. So one of the, one of the most iconic passages where Jesus demonstrates servant hood for his bride is in the washing of his disciples feet. And I am going to recommend gentlemen that you don't literally do that. Now there might be some
wives out there who actually would love it. And if that's your wife, great, fine. ⁓ But, but you know, then maybe do it because that's something that she would really love and it would speak to her. But I'm telling you what, if you find yourself in a position where your wife is losing desire and respect for you, washing her feet is not going to earn it back. It might even make it worse. I speak from experience. I tried it once and I'm never doing it again.
Okay, that's a side note. So in this passage where Jesus washes his disciples' feet.
We find him getting low, humbling himself, doing things that were quote unquote possibly beneath him.
And so we get encouraged to imitate him in this way. But what we don't get taught is something else found in that same chapter of John chapter 13. And in that chapter, it says this, Jesus knew that the father had put all things under his power and that he had come from God and was returning to God.
So he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing and wrapped a towel around his waist. And he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples feet. That is crucial. Jesus knew that the father had put all things under his power and he knew that he had come from God and was returning to God. And that's why he served. That's what motivated him. See today,
We don't have an understanding of our own worth. In fact, the huge focus in church world is how messed up we are. It's how lowly we are. It's how...
broken and screwed up what sinful creatures we are. And so we get taught over and over and over that we are broken and messed up and we can't trust our own thoughts. The human heart is deceitfully wicked. We get told that we're sinners. Sinner, sinner, sinner, sinner, sinner, Stop sinning, stop sinning, stop sinning.
And then we're told to serve.
That's not the model that Jesus established for us. He knew that the Father put all things under His power. And He knew that He had come from God and was returning to God. So He knew His authority and His standing. He knew His royalty. He knew the power available to Him. And He knew where He belonged. He was secure. He knew His sonship.
He knew his father would welcome him.
And he said, it's good that a servant be like his master, meaning that we be like him. And the word says that as God sent Jesus into the world, so he sent us.
Well, Jesus himself said, as the Father sent me, so I send you.
The word says as he is, so are we in this world.
So we're to be like him. So if Jesus knew that the Father put all things under his power, you, my friend, need to know that Jesus has put all enemies under your feet according to the word. You, my friend, need to know that he's given you the authority to trample serpents and scorpions. You are a force to be reckoned with. You are fierce. You're powerful.
You need to know that you're a son and that you're royalty. You are a lowercase K king.
And you know this about yourself and it fills you with confidence and security and self-worth. And you can look in the mirror and like who you see.
if you serve your wife in that place.
That's gonna mean something.
You see what I'm saying?
Service out of weakness and lack of identity is more annoying, irritating, and smothering to a woman.
Service out of strength is powerful.
So you've got to resurrect your desires and you've got to embrace your worth, your value, your God given identity.
If you do these two things, it's gonna help you with the third.
Stop worrying about what other people think, including your wife.
Christian men are fantastic at this. We are fantastic at worrying about hurting other people's feelings, offending other people, putting other people into an inconvenient position, putting them out.
So we want to be polite. We want to be courteous. We want to be gentle and kind. And some of those things are good, but not if I'm doing at all with no backbone.
And sometimes you've gotta ruffle feathers just to know that you've got a back.
Some people aren't going to like what I'm saying there, but it's true. It's actually more of virtue to be disagreeable as a man than it is to be agreeable.
So.
when you are too agreeable in your marriage.
then you're constantly always available for your wife and there's no, there's no opportunity for her to miss you or to need you. Is she just always available at her beck and call? All right. So you're, imagine that the attraction in your marriage is like a rubber band. And when you are continually right at her side, ready for anything that she might need that rubber band around both of you.
That's around both fingers here. Hypothetically, it's slack. There's no tightness pulling her to you. There's no draw to you. But when you're disagreeable and you say no sometimes and you're not always available and you don't like certain things that she likes and you don't want to do certain things that she wants to do. Now you're distancing yourself and that rubber band to get poles and gets taught and it's pulling.
her to you. Now I'm not telling you to just be a jerk all the time. In fact, if you're a husband who's been completely disconnected and you haven't ⁓ cared for your wife and been been kind and wanted, you know, to serve her and love her, then this advice is not going to work for you. You need to start serving her and loving her. But if you're like me and you were a, what I call a hovering puppy dog kind of husband where you're just always panting at her feet, ready for the next treat she might give you.
then you've got to stretch that rubber band. Get some distance going. Be disagreeable.
Because if you don't, you're going to make her feel smothered. You're going to make her feel annoyed. You're going to make her feel like she just wants to get anywhere but there where you are. And that's not what I want for you.
My friend, you need help with this, have two resources for you. The first one is the DNA of a man. It's the book that I wrote. It's got a couple hundred reviews on Amazon. It has changed many men's lives.
It walks you through the process. It walks you through how to become a man of identity, a man of principle and a man on mission. It helps you step into your God given masculinity so that you can flow with these things that I'm talking about. Because what I'm talking about here can feel like you're trying to put on something totally different. That's not natural in any way. And how's it going to stick?
I want encourage you to pick up my book and pick up the tactical guide, the DNA of a man tactical guide that goes with it, that will help you embody and walk out the principles in the book. will help you do the work to actually see change come from you, not like you're just forcing new behaviors.
And the second resource I have for you is completely free. It's called Frustrated to Desired. It is a masterclass with its own workbook on the five keys for a Christian husband to magnetically attract his wife. Completely free. It's all yours. I want you to pick that up as well. The links are in the description.
All right. Thank you for joining me today. Until next time. Love you. Peace.